Project Runaway

Hey, guess what, I got to see the entire show, so lucky for you I’ll have two full wrap-ups this week for the first time since January. Of course I am late with this recap. I am not as young as I used to be and it is not as easy for me to stay up late on multiple nights typing these things up. Let’s face it, the show is getting younger and I am getting older.

I am not entirely sure that I will do this blog next season if my non-Idol life stays as busy as it is now, especially now that Captain Jack has already declared his intention to leave the show. Maybe I will do an armchair X-Factor blog instead, though it does not have quite the same ring to it. Until then, though, I will do my best to keep you informed and entertained.

Trained Seal lays down the gauntlet to the girls, challenging them to answer back to the dudes who went the night before. I don’t really see that being that big of a challenge right now given how most the guys have not exactly stood out, except for the perhaps the guy who can bench press 5 Trained Seals and the guy who did the Paula song during Hollywood Week.

After the title sequence Ryan introduces the girls and then checks in with Crystal Bowersox, who is still on the show after spending last night in a hospital bed. She appears to be doing fine. Ryan then goes to the judges for their thoughts. Big Sexy thought the guys were hot and had fire in their eyes. Ellen mimics Randy and Simon and talks about song choice. Trained Seal asks Horny Chick why she seems to be cozying up to Captain Jack. Kara immediately denies any attraction to Ryan and then mimics attraction towards Simon to the extent that makes Trained Seal too uncomfortable.

Crystal Bowersox, “Long as I Can See the Light” by Creedance Clearwater Revival: Crystal bats leads off tonight after getting the closer spot last week. I’ll let you speculate as to whether or not her health scare has anything to do it this. Crystal has a twin brother Carl that she thinks is too square. In response to Captain Jack’s comments last week that she sings like a million singers in subway stations Crystal reveals to no one’s surprise that she had in fact used to perform in subway stations in Chicago. This is why Simon has more respect than the other judges, the dude knows his idols. Crystal starts the song with a gospel organ accompaniment, just as she promised in her intro video. She then adds some country twang to the song after the band jumps in. Crystal showed off a fine gravely voice and made the song her own. Nice job. Big Sexy lovers her and then reminds us that “truth is reality.” Little E was scared for her while she was in the hospital but was glad she came back to show off her “pure, raw, natural talent.” Horny Chick thinks Crystal personifies “Americana rock.” Captain Jack apologizes (as he has been known to do every once in a while) for underestimating Crystal and thinks she has become a serious contender like Kelly Clarkson did at this stage of the competition. Crystal flashes two fingers while Trained Seal reads the phone numbers, and then quickly changes to one finger when she realizes that she was on first.

Haeley Vaughn, “The Climb” by Miley Cyrus: Haeley likes to make hair accessories in her spare time and cannot form a mean face for the camera. She seems pretty nervous talking to Ryan and she initially carries that nervousness into her performance. Her nerves tempered a bit when she got to the big note chorus. The cameraman moves up from below and gets dangerously close to the bottom of her mini-skirt. Be careful dude, she is only 17. Her performance had a few decent moments but it was all over the map. Big Sexy wants to keep it real by telling Haeley that is was excruciating. While Haeley takes it with a smile the audience of her peers did not. Ellen compliments Haeley on her smile and gets cheered, and then she declares that she agrees with Randy and gets booed. Horny Chick thinks Haeley has an “Alex Lambert factor” that the other contestants can learn from. Simon wonders what she meant by that. I wonder if she means the “Adam Lambert factor” instead. Horny Chick tries to get serious and tells Haeley that she really needs another year of seasoning before she gets on the big stage. So why my dear did you put her through? How many other contestants did you and your cohorts send home after telling them that they were not ready yet? Captain Jack agonizes over telling Haeley that her performance was a mess, and then when her cohorts boo he asks them what song they were listening to. I've heard that tweeners hear different frequencies than older people, maybe that explains why they heard something different. Captain Jack then tries to be ironic that she fell while singing “The Climb,” which really irritates Trained Seal to the point where he openly challenges Simon to justify the usefulness of the comment. Ryan quickly drops the banter when Captain Jack refuses to reply.

Lacey Brown, “Kiss Me” by Sixpence None the Richer: Oh, so that’s who sings this song. Lacey likes to refurbish antique furniture, and like my dad who likes to refurbish old cars she sells them rather than use them. However, Lacey seems convinced that she is born to do this. Singing, not the furniture thing. Yeah, that is what they all say. Just ask Jermaine, who thinks God wants him to stay on the show. Horny Chick suggested that Lacey sing this song after she butchered the Fleetwood Mac song last week. I must admit that this song does match her voice better than any Stevie Nicks song would. Still, her performance seems lackluster to me. Big Sexy dares to utter the K-word and gets booed. Ellen thought it was adorable and gets cheered. Horny Chick likes Lacey’s “special tone” and the fact that she listened to her and did not choose another depressing song. Still, Kara thinks Lacey needs to step it up. The scary part is that this may be the best that Lacey can do. Captain Jack criticizes Lacey for treating this as a competition and will sing whatever is suggested to her, in other words doing what the judges want.

Katie Stevens, “Put Your Records On” by Corinne Bailey Rae: Katie is embarrassed to tell us that she can say “give me a kiss” in 6 languages. I’m not sure why, she should appreciate that gift because she might lose it one day. I once could count to 10 in 6 different languages, but now I can barely speak one. Katie got criticized for acting too old last week so tonight she chose what she thinks is a more youthful song. She starts with a nice low register, but gets a bit pitchy when she starts shouting. Usually it works the other way around. It was mostly OK but a rather dull song choice. Big Sexy of course disagrees with me and tells Katie that her shouting was better than her singing and that she should use that big voice for bigger songs. Well, I must admit that I agree with the latter comment. Little E still cannot believe that Katie is only 17 but at the same time wants her to be even younger and chose a song that Little E would not hear in her dentist office. Well, I must admit that the dentist thing was a good comment. If Katie sings a Miley Cyrus or Taylor Swift song next week then we’ll know that she was truthful when she said that she listens to the judges. I am not sure she can get much younger than that. “ABC” maybe? Horny Chick is frustrated that Katie seems confused by the contradictory comments from the judges. It is real simple; Katie should stop listening to the judges like all the other contestants are already doing. That’ll clear that up real quick. Captain Jack is frustrated too because Katie is not telling the audience what type of artist she wants to be. Perhaps this is because the judges can’t seem to agree on what type of artist they want Katie to be. Simon advises Katie to do some research to find out which artist she should imitate next week. It likely won’t be any teenage artist, since Katie could not name any when Trained Seal asked her to name just one.

Didi Benami, “Lean on Me” by Bill Withers: In addition to praying before her performance like most of the other contestants seem to do, Didi meows to calm herself down. It sounds like she would be a natural addition to the cast of “Cats”. Didi had to look up “indulgent” after Captain Jack accused her of being that last week. Has see not been paying attention the last 9 years? Didi starts out slurring the lyrics but found a little bit of soul at the end, just a little. She still sounds like Megan Joy Corkrey and acts like Brooke White, which means that she’ll be shoehorned into the Top 12 but will flame out sometime around “Idol Gives Back” week. Randy hated the song choice because it displayed Didi’s weaknesses more than her strengths. It is hard for me to think of a song right now that would do the opposite. Little E thought everything was “great” except for the song choice, which was great but not as great as the other great things. Horny Chick utters the K-word and thinks Didi is missing both consistency and uniqueness, and I think she just uttered an oxymoron. Captain Jack thought it was screeching and got booed by one girl in the crowd who I guess thought her friends would back her up. Not this time, though. Captain Jack shoots the girl a mad glance and Big Sexy accuses her of booing everybody. Didi is on the verge of tears and cannot bring herself to respond to Trained Seal’s comforting comments.

Michelle Delamor, “With Arms Wide Open” by Creed: Michelle thinks that what the judges say is important but that she needs to be true to herself. She should talk to Katie. Michelle wants to create a “wow” moment, so of course she picks a dull Creed song. Then she chooses to sing it in some odd pitch that I bet even the music expert Horny Chick does not recognize. She looks good though. Big Sexy is in one bad mood tonight as he admits to repeating himself with his negative comments. Little E forgot that Michelle was singing a rock song and I think she meant that as a compliment. I forgot that it was a rock song too but I am not so complimentary. Horny Chick liked Michelle’s believability and really likes that she listen to the judges and their confusing comments. Captain Jack agrees with Kara and admits that the judges give confusing comments, but that won’t stop him from spewing them out. He then asks fashion designer Vera Wang, ironically in the audience tonight, about Michelle’s nice outfit.

Lilly Scott, “A Change is Gonna Come” by Sam Cooke: During her Coca-Cola treatment Lilly talks about how she has been working with the Idol vocal coaches to be more of a rock star, and then she mentions in her video how happy she was that Big Sexy recognized her as an indie artist. I think she uttered an oxymoron. Lilly brags about all of the instruments that she can play, though they all look like either a guitar or a keyboard. I am not all that impressed. Now if she pulled out a tuba or an oboe then it would be impressed. Despite being proud of her independence Lilly chooses a song that has been done about a million times on this show. Just like last week, Lilly has scary eye mascara and hair-do to match her scary voice. She was generally in tune and on pitch, though she slurred some of the words. It was OK for what it was. Big Sexy name drops Bjork, Bob Dylan, and Lucinda Williams in quick succession and then for good measure utters the first “worked it out” of the season. What was that about broken records Randy? Little E thinks Lilly has “it” even though she doesn't know what “it” is. Since the last girl who had “it”, Ashley Rodriguez, was sent home last week I wonder how Lilly feels about being tagged. Horny Chick thinks Lilly will inspire all the other “mismatches” out there to try out for Idol. They’re going to need it after Captain Jack leaves. Speaking of the captain Simon thought it was OK but not as good as fellow indie queen Crystal.

Katelyn Epperley, “The Scientist” by Coldplay: This goofy girl is studying to be a recording engineer in case this Idol thing does not pan out. Far from thinking that Horny Chick was a bitch, Katelyn actually listened to Kara and went with a more natural look this week, and for once I think Kara’s comments were highly productive. I am digging the bare shoulder blouse and the mini skirt. I am not so crazy about the singing. Her voice is OK but it is reallllllly…reallllllly…sloooooow. It has to be really hard to stay on pitch when someone is singing that slow because Katelyn is having a hard time trying to do that. Maybe she is focusing too much on her piano playing, even though she is only playing basically three chords. Randy agrees with me so I won’t insult him. Little E was so sleepy that she thought Katelyn was playing a guitar instead of a piano. She also points out to us all that “people can’t vote if they’re asleep.” Now I understand better why the producers jumped the shark and hired her to replace Drunk Chick. Horny Chick thinks Katelyn is kinda hot, and somebody should wake up Casey and tell him that his cougar girlfriend is thinking of trying a different flavor. Captain Jack name drops Natasha Bedingfield and compliments Katelyn by describing her performance as “corny.”

Paige Miles, “Walk Away” by Kelly Clarkson: It used to be that it anyone who tried to sing a song recorded by a former Idol winner was asking for trouble, but these kids today are either fearless or reckless. At least they are not singing as many Whitney Houston songs. Paige likes to color with crayons before her performances. I wonder if she also orders grilled cheese sandwiches from the kid’s menu like that guy in the Carl’s Jr. commercials. Paige starts out rather weak, to the point that the backup singers are drowning her out. She finally starts to find her voice during the bridge. Trained Seal points out to Paige that Horny Chick wrote the song, which I am not sure Paige knew beforehand. At least she pretends like she did not know. Big Sexy liked the performance but thought there were too many words in Horny Chick’s song to show off Paige’s supposedly wonderful voice. Ellen really liked it but made no comment about the song. Horny Chick surprises no one by declaring that Paige could have a hit with that song, though as Captain Jack points out Kelly Clarkson was not able to do that. Horny Chick then pointed out that she wrote the song about an ex-boyfriend that she was pissed off with and that Paige showed bad form by smiling the whole time she was singing it. Maybe if Kelly Clarkson had smiled when she recorded the song then she might have had a hit with it. Simon agrees with Randy and tells Paige that he thinks the songs are overtaking her rather than the other way around. Trained Seal goes back to Horny Chick’s comments about how it was supposed to be an angry song, and asks Paige if she was happy being angry. He also warns Horny Chick’s husband that he has an angry wife in addition to a horny one.

Siobhan Magnus, “Think” by Aretha Franklin: Siobhan adds to her quirky persona by telling us that she gave herself a Mohawk last year after a slip up with her hair clippers. She doesn't want to be predictable so of course she chooses an Aretha Franklin song. She starts out alright but a bit pitchy, then shows some good intonation with the fast moving bridge before finally unveiling the mother of all big notes at the end. I have no idea where that came from. Big Sexy thought the big note was dope and fearless. Little E compares her to a snuggie. She tries to explain her analogy but it was so inconsequential that I did not bother to write it down. Kara can’t get over the big note. Captain Jack thought the big note was terrific but the rest of the song was horrible. Funny what one note can do. Siobhan explains her ability to belt out big notes comes from singing Kelly Clarkson songs in the shower. Maybe Kelly can have a hit with that.

The Final Score: 19 shots at Horny Chick Kara; 17 shots at Captain Jack Simon; 11 shots at Big Sexy Randy; 10 shots at Trained Seal Ryan; 8 shots at Little E Ellen; 1 shot at Ricky Minor and the band, and 6 shots at the audience. 3 references to former Idol contestants, 4 references to Kelly Clarkson, 8 references to other non-Idol performers, and 2 references to Drunk Chick Paula. 1 Coca-Cola treatment, 2 iTunes plugs, 5 name drops, 4 mini-skirts, 4 skirts paired with leggings, 2 pants, 2 K-word utterances, 2 oxymorons, 1 reference to a Broadway musical, and 1 fashion designer shout out. Where is Heidi Klum when you need her?

Your 3 Stars of the Night: Crystal Bowersox emerged from her hospital bed to give the best performance of the night, the second night in row that the leadoff batter defied the producers who like to put the cannon fodder in that slot. Siobhan Magnus gets a shout-out for that big shout-out, and it is a tie for third between Katelyn Epperly’s outfit and Lilly Scott’s mascara.

Idol Gives Back: So much for Ashley Rodriguez being the female favorite coming out of Hollywood Week. I did not expect her to be allowed by the producers to be bounced out so quickly. I was more disappointed than surprised about Janell Wheeler leaving. She was the prettiest girl in the Top 24 and her performance was no worse than any of the other girls last week, so I am at a loss as to why she was given the boot so quickly. It must be those evil tweener girls. Those chicks are going to ruin my batting average this season, I just feel it.

The Fearless Prediction: From my post earlier today: Based solely on who I think should be sent home I predict that Didi and Michelle will be the ones sent packing. I cannot even begin to predict who the tweener girls who control the voting on this show will choose to dismiss, but then again this is supposed to be a "fearless" prediction, right?

A Quick Prediction

I retired for the evening after getting about a third of the way through the recap of last night's show. When my head started bouncing off of the computer screen I took it as a sign that perhaps I should stop typing and pick it up tomorrow. The recap will be posted later this evening, but I wanted to get my fearless prediction out now so that you won't think I'm cheating later.

Based solely on who I think should be sent home I predict that Didi and Michelle will be the ones sent packing. I cannot even begin to predict who the tweener girls who control the voting on this show will choose to dismiss, but then again this is supposed to be a "fearless" prediction, right?

See you tonight.

Dropping Frustration

Just in case the DVR wanted to be uncooperative again I watched the show live, or as live as it gets in the West Coast. But at least I don’t have to stay up past midnight to see the end of the World Series games. I only have to stay up past midnight to type these recaps.

From Hollywood, this is the Ryan Seacrest Show. Trained Seal begins by telling us that the remaining contestants have seen “two of their own sent home.” Ryan then explains why the dudes were on stage instead of the chicks. Girl contestant Crystal Bowersox was taken to the hospital earlier today and was under doctor’s orders not to perform tonight, so to help her get into the Top 12 the producers decided to switch the schedule and pressured the dudes to “agree” to sing tonight instead. Ryan did not bother to say why Crystal was in the hospital nor did he speculate as to whether or not she will be able to perform tomorrow night. As soon as I post this I’ll check the Net and find out. I’m sure somebody has spilled the beams.

Randy and Ellen have switched seats from last week so I guess Little E is a little more comfortable sharing a stage with Captain Jack. I saw some reviews of Ellen on CNN.com and most of them felt that she was too nervous and tense and that she should just be herself. Kind of like the contestants. In reference to Crystal’s absence Trained Seal asks Little E if she ever missed a show, and Ellen tries to be humorous by saying that she missed American Gladiators and Bewitched but not her own show except for the day she spent in the hospital with Ryan. She was so much funnier when she was tenser. Horny Chick is sporting an 80’s style boofy hair-do reminiscent of some of the classic dos her ex-running mate Drunk Chick used to sport. Captain Jack is still holding the company line that the girls are better than the guys this season, though he concedes that the gap is “only a smidge.”

Michael Lynche, “It’s a Man’s World” by James Brown: For the second straight week Big Mike bats leadoff. Michael admits that he is big into musical theater and that he can bench 505 pounds. He wants to prove Simon wrong and be the main event by making an interesting song choice. Michael is as expressive as he was last week but his voice is much better. He is showing some soul for once. He is a little out of synch with Ricky and the band but overall it was well done. Randy gives Mike a standing O. Little E thought the song was “educational,” apparently offended by the song title, but she still liked the song choice. Horny Chick is now finally getting Michael and wonders what he ate that caused him to change so much. In his case that could be a dangerous question. Captain Jack attempts to compare Michael’s transition to that from a pussycat to a lion. I am pretty sure he has used that one before. Trained Seal tries to follow up on Kara’s comment by asking Michael if anything has changed in the last week. Turns out his wife and new baby will be flying out on Friday. He must be pretty confident that he’ll be back next week.

During the first break we learn that NASCAR driver Carl Edwards wants to call Kanye West from his new Ford and that K-Mart has layaway. Hello!

John Park, “Gravity” by John Mayer: John gets the first of three Coca-Cola treatments tonight. Apparently John is a member of an a-capella group at Northwestern called “Purple Haze.” You see, Northwestern’s colors are purple, and… oh forget it. John’s secret is that Korean is his second language instead of English. I’m not sure how secret that is. If he has said that his first language was Farsi, then I would have been more surprised. John promises that tonight he will be “honest and relevant.” Turns out he only batted .500 on that front. His performance was better than last week’s but his voice was too breathy and he had a hard time staying in rhythm with Ricky and the band. Big Sexy thought his performance lacked spice. I thought he was on a diet. Little E wanted more soul, or should I say Seoul (sorry, I could not resist). Kara did not think it was believable enough. Captain Jack thinks John is a goner after his “so what performance,” and Trained Seal quickly challenges him on that comment. In the meantime Horny Chick tells anyone listening to her that all the judges agree with her.

Casey James, “I Don’t Wanna Be” by Gavin McGraw: Casey claims that he never watched Idol before he auditioned, so he wasn't aware that Bo Bice, Elliott Yamin, and Chris Richardson all sang this same song on the show. Casey also claims that he has not watched TV since the age of 7 and that he bought and restored his own house. Now isn't he special, and all this time I thought he was on the show because he was eye candy. Casey also mentions his pre-show ritual but he won’t tell us what it is unless he makes it to the Top 10. Now I really dislike this guy. Casey rocks it out with the electric guitar but his vocals are flat and nasally. If this was America’s Got Talent he would earn 4 stars but this is a singing competition. Big Sexy has apparently forgotten about this and compliments Casey for his Hendrix, Stevie Ray channeling. Little E thinks Casey is there “on paper” but was too stiff on stage. Speaking of stiff, Horny Chick is still a fan but thinks Casey took two steps back and then reminds Big Sexy and Little E that Idol is supposed to be a singing competition. Simon accuses Casey of being a poser and claims that Casey does not have enough grit in his voice. Trained Seal tries to provoke Casey to disagree with Captain Jack’s comments but Casey is too savvy to fall for that. I now question Casey’s claim that he had never seen the show before.

Alex Lambert, “Everybody Knows” by John Legend: During his Coca-Cola treatment Alex admits to Ryan that he was so scared last week that he threw up before the show. Alex has perhaps the most interesting secret of the night; he invented a language when he was in 6th grade. It sounded like a cross between Spanish and Japanese. Alex has his comfortable guitar this week and he sounds a little more confident, though perhaps starting the song unplugged was not the best idea, especially for someone who claims to suffer from stage fright. Alex is better than last week but it is still kind of flat. I am still waiting to hear the great voice the other judges claim that Alex has. Big Sexy bonds with Alex over the language thing and thought he was “way legit tonight.” Little E thought Alex’s ripe banana ripened during the past week and then tries to convince Alex that she meant the banana thing as a compliment. She also compared Alex to “Sam Cooke with a mullet.” Horny Chick thinks everyone would die for Alex’s tone, if only he were not so scared every time he tries to sing. Captain Jack thought it was a million times better than last week and then drops this tidbit of advice: “the only time you should be nervous is if you’re useless.” Words to live by. Simon still thinks Alex is missing a killer instinct. Trained Seal tries to draw that out of him but the best that Alex can muster is a weak “I really want to be here.”

Todrick Hall, “What’s Love Got to Do with It” by Tina Turner: During his Coca-Cola treatment Trained Seal asked Todrick about all of the heat he took last week for monkeying up a Kelly Clarkson song. This week Todrick promises that he won’t be compared to the original artist, and chose a Tina Turner song specifically for that reason. I see, the dude chose a song by a woman so that he would not naturally be compared to the original singer. Can’t fault the logic, even though it makes no sense in reality. Todrick also promises to sing to Ellen’s “baby blue” eyes, even though her eyes are actually hazel. To top it all off Todrick compares himself to Drunk Chick, a singer who can also dance instead of a dancer who happens to sing. Oh deary deary. Todrick’s performance is OK but pales in comparison to the original singer, but then I am not supposed to compare Todrick to Tina Turner. It sounded like a lounge act. Randy liked Todrick’s falsetto but not the “wild arrangement.” Instead Big Sexy wanted Todrick to “just sing” the song rather than change the arrangement. Ellen wanted Todrick to dance more and didn't like the song choice and got booed by the tweeners in the audience. Horny Chick still thinks Todrick is likeable by openly wonders where the Todrick from the auditions went. Perhaps he left with the pants on the ground guy. Simon thought it was a theme park performance and that Todrick has got it all wrong. Trained Seal tries to reconcile Big Sexy’s comment that Todrick was “one of the best that we found” with Captain Jack’s comment that Todrick has got it all wrong. Todrick then asks Ryan why the judges are upset about him changing the song arrangements when they tell all the other contestants that they want them to do just that. Dude, you should know by know that you are playing with fire if you actually listen to the judges’ comments. Except mine of course. I’m straight up with you buddy.

Jermaine Sellers, “What’s Going On” by Marvin Gaye: Jermaine rocks his “onesee,” which I guess is the new name for a one piece pajama. Jermaine then tells us how he could not believe how harsh the judges were last week. He trashed the band during Hollywood Week and then trashes the judges now. This will not score him points with the producers who control his fate. Jermaine turned this classic soul song into a really slow miasmic ballad straight from a wedding reception. He tries to change it up a bit at the end but by then it is too late. Big Sexy is frustrated that Jermaine butchered a Marvin Gaye song. I am just mad. Ellen got cheered for liking the onesee but got booed for saying that the performance did not work for her. These tweener chicks are way too fickle. Kara challenges Jermaine to find the meaning in the songs. As frustrated as Jermaine clearly is to hear this he refrains from challenging Horny Chick to find the meaning to her songs. Captain Jack is also frustrated and disappointed and thinks Jermaine is watering down his songs. In this case he sure did. Jermaine asks the judges to tell him what to sing next week as if that will actually help, and only Little E steps up to challenge by suggesting Maze. Jermaine also challenges the judges to come to church with him on Sunday, supposedly so that they can really hear him sing, and Captain Jack immediately accepts. Jermaine claims to be a God fearing person and that God will ensure that he will be back next week. Jermaine, let me tell ya, God has a plan for all of us, but it is obvious to everyone but you that God’s plan does not involve you sticking around for much longer.

Andrew Garcia, “You Gave Me Something” by James Morrison: For the second week in a row a singer confuses me by selecting a song that I first thought was performed by The Doors. Like everyone else tonight Andrew took in the judges’ comments from last week, a polite way to say that he blew them off. Andrew starts out with a decent imitation of Taylor Hicks but soon thereafter he starts to get a little pitchy and flat. He has a great voice if he ever learns to sing in tune. Big Sexy name drops Jason Mraz and gets booed for pointing out the pitchiness. Little E wants to tattoo Andrew’s name on her neck but then brings up his performance of Drunk Chick’s “Straight Up” again. Horny Chick also brings up the Drunk Chick song and claims that it has been all downhill for Andrew since then. The same could be said for American Idol. Captain Jack is still frustrated with Andrew and wants him to go back to changing up the arrangements, only 15 minutes after he told Todrick Hall not to do that. Trained Seal carries on the Drunk Chick theme by asking Andrew which Paula Abdul song he will sing next week.

Aaron Kelly, “My Girl” by The Temptations: The youngest dude in the competition talked about his love for photography and how awesome he felt after Captain Jack urged Aaron to believe in himself more. This must be the Backstreet Boys version of the song because that is what this performance sounds like. He has a decent voice and there were no major mess-ups but it was not all that impressive. Big Sexy amazingly did not bring up the age thing but got booed for saying that the second half of the song was not very good. Little E channels Captain Jack and says that the performance was forgettable. Now she is trying too hard. Horny Chick makes up for Big Sexy and brings up how much control he has for a 16 year old. Captain Jack thought Aaron was all over the place and, to Big Sexy’s approval, name drops Justin Bieber. Who the heck is Justin Bieber? I looked him up on line and he is one of those evil Canadians like the ones that took our hockey gold.

Tim Urban, “Come on Get Higher” by Matt Nathanson: Since I was already online looking up Justin Bieber and went ahead and did the same for Matt Nathanson since I had never heard of him either. As I said before, part of the reason why I watch this show is to learn about who the kids are listening to these days. I’m proud to say that he is one of us. This is my first opportunity to hear Mr. Urban’s voice and I am not all that impressed. It is decent but he is a bit pitchy. Big Sexy pulls out the K-word for the first time this season and got booed. Little E got booed for saying that Tim would be better off acting on Glee rather than sing on Idol. Horny Chick is frustrated because it is not adding up for her yet. Idol has apparently become a math competition in her eyes. Captain Jack shocks everyone, especially Tim, by saying that he liked the performance and his work ethic after telling Tim last week that he should not even be on the show. Trained Seal embarrasses Tim by asking him why he was exhaling during Kara’s critique. It’s called breathing Ryan.

Lee Dewyne, “Lips of an Angel” by Hinder: After 9 performances of songs that I heard before the last 3 contestants required me to look up the artist online just to find out who they are. Thanks for the education guys. Lee talked about the bad decisions that he made as a youth without going into any details. Dude, if you are going to use your experience to win this contest then we deserve to know what you got busted for. Lee shows off a nice deep voice, one of the few dudes that actually have a deep voice that would sound even better if he stopped trying to shallow the microphone. Big Sexy liked that Lee took chances, basically by choosing a song that was a bigger hit in Canada than it was in the USA. Little E interprets his nervousness as “intensity.” Horny Chick thinks he can sing on the radio right now, as if she would know. Simon thinks that he would be the one to beat if he can only lose the nerves. Trained Seal tries to help out by recommending that Lee get to know the mic stand.

The Final Score: 14 shots at Captain Jack Simon; 12 shots at Little E Ellen; 11 shots at Trained Seal Ryan; 10 shots at Big Sexy Randy; 7 shots at Horny Chick Kara (seriously? Only 7? I thought with that haircut there would have been more); 3 shots at Ricky Minor and the band, and 5 shots at the audience. 6 references to former Idol contestants, 8 references to other non-Idol performers, and 4 references to Drunk Chick Paula. 3 Coca-Cola treatments, 3 artists that I had never heard of before, 2 iTunes plugs, 2 references to old TV shows, 5 name drops, 1 NASCAR driver, 1 church invitation, 1 K-word utterance, and 1 reference to an evil Canadian.

Your 3 Stars of the Night: Michael Lynche defied the producers by being the best of the night even though he went first. Lee Dewyne had a decent voice once he figured out the mic was not a lollipop. Alex Lambert was not all that good but gets the award for most improved performer of the night.

Idol Gives Back: I think I need to have my 7 year old niece help me with these predictions because I clearly do not think like the 10 year old girls who dominate the phone lines. I was surprised that eye candy Tyler Grady was voted off last week, and I was really surprised about the girls who were sent home, which I’ll discuss in my next post. I was not surprised about Joe Munoz because I had no idea who he was.

The Fearless Prediction: Alright, I’ll try this again. I suspect that God has other plans for Jermaine Sellers and so that he will be one of the two dudes sent home on Thursday. Besides, he is starting to annoy me. Any number of dudes can join him tomorrow, but I suspect that Captain Jack is right and John Park will be rejoining his singing group back in Chicago.

An Abbreviated Session

First, a warning. I walked into the courtroom a little after 9 PM tonight thinking that my DVR would allow me to still see the entire show. Well, the blasted machine had other ideas and decided it did not want to work tonight. Not only did it not record but it would not allow me to rewind to the beginning of the show. So the bad news is that the first 8 recaps are based only on the replay at the end of the show. The good news is that I get to go to bed early.

I came in when John Park was getting trashed by the judges for his song choice, which he told Ryan later he selected as a tribute to his parents. Boy don’t the judges feel bad now.

Michael Lynche, “This Love” by Maroon 5: It is an interesting song choice for the new papa. I found lots of picky things to criticize, such as his nasally somewhat monotone voice, his slurred lyrics, his pitch problems, and a guitar that could not be heard. Still, it was OK but far from amazing. Little E loves Michael’s personality so much that she does not think his pitch problems matter, then later warns him not to get cocky. Big Sexy bonds with the fellow big fella, but then he whines about how Michael’s hug injured his back. Horny Chick thought it was good relative to the other performers so far, so perhaps my DVR was doing me a favor. Captain Jack thought Michael sang like a supporting act instead of a leading one, provoking Michael into some subtle “ahhs” and “come ons.”

Alex Lambert, “Wonderful World” by James Morrison: I had forgotten about this guy until his video reminded us that he was part of Rocker Bitch Mary Powers’ group. Since all of the judges later commented that Alex’s voice resembles James Morrison I can only assume that was why he chose a James Morrison song. Sadly, though, this song was such a mess that James Morrison is likely offended by the comparison. Jim Morrison would likely be offended too if he were alive today. Alex was clearly scared out of his wits, so much that by the end I was feeling sorry for the guy. Simon thought it was the most uncomfortable performance of the night and got booed by the sympathetic crowd. Horny Chick wants to give Alex a hug. Both she and Big Sexy thinks that Alex has crazy vocals and great potential but say nothing about tonight’s performance. Little E supports the mullet and compares him to a banana that has not ripened yet. Insert your sexual reference here, not so much for poor Alex but in preparation for our next contestant.

Casey Jones, “Heaven” by Bryan Adams: Horny Chick’s lover boy is back with two shirt buttons undone. Kara is waiving her arms from the first note and it looks like Casey is trying really hard not to laugh. It is OK, not great, but considering the distractions from the judges table it was a stellar performance. The dude judges back away from the table and ask Kara to go first. Horny Chick apologizes to her husband (for now) for drooling over Casey and then turns to Ellen for help, forgetting that Little E is a chick chick and not a dude chick. Rather than correct Horny Chick for her faux paux Little E fires back by accusing Kara of undressing Casey with her eyes. Randy likes Casey’s voice and swagger. Horny Chick tries to be serious by telling Casey that he is ear candy as well as eye candy. Seriously. Simon liked the sincere song choice and thought he did well to overcome the actions of the “cougar” next to him. Horny Chick calls for her lawyer while Trained Seal reads out the number and mentions something about an HR meeting.

Andrew Garcia, “Sugar, We’re Going Down” by Fall Out Boys: The favorite coming out of Hollywood Week naturally gets the closer spot tonight. Again he goes semi-acoustic and changes up the arrangement, but this time it is not as dramatic as when he treated Drunk Chick’s song that way. It was OK but kind of monotone and uninspiring. Captain Jack talks for 5 minutes about how disappointed he is with Andrew’s performance, including some of his traditional buzz words such as “indulgent” and “boring.” The other three judges all thought the performance was strange and that it paled in comparison to the Drunk Chick song.

And now the rest in the closing replay:

Todrick Hall: sloppy;
Aaron Kelly: bland;
Jermaine Sellers: over the top;
Tim Urban: super sub with goofy facial expressions
Joe Munoz: slurred lyrics;
Tyler Grady: Michael Johns like;
Lee Dewyne: decent;
John Park: the judges were right; it was a lousy song choice.

The Final Score: 7 shots at Horny Chick Kara; 3 shots at Little E Ellen; 2 shots at Big Sexy Randy; 1 shot at Trained Seal Ryan; 1 shot at Captain Jack Simon; and 1 shot at the audience. 1 reference to a former Idol contestants, 3 references to other non-Idol performers (1 deceased?), and 2 references to Drunk Chick Paula. 2 iTunes plugs (I assume), 2 sexual innuendos, an unripe fruit, and 8 performances that my DVR would not allow me to see. I suppose I can download the performances from iTunes, but I’m not paying money for stuff like this. If you really want to know how they did you’re on your own.

Your 3 Stars of the Night: Casey James was the best of the 4 that I saw. Lee Dewyne sounded OK for the 10 seconds that I saw him. And that is about the best I can do.

The Fearless Prediction: I don't think I saw enough performances to be able to fairly judge this also, but I will take a chance and predict that Alex Lambert will be one of the two sent home tomorrow. You're one your own for the other.

Tradition with a Small t

Continuing the director’s milieu this season of including behind the scenes shots we start the semi-finals with a shot of the director cueing Trained Seal from the booth. After the traditional manufactured drama from Ryan and the traditional main theme, we are set to begin the live portion of Season 9 from the traditional Coca-Cola studio.

The theme being pushed by the producers is that this is a girl’s year, so right away Trained Seal asks Captain Jack to elaborate on his statements to that effect. We’ll see if there is anything to back that up as this chicks get to go first tonight. The judges have played musical chairs tonight as Ellen is on the end instead of Randy and Kara occupies the Drunk Chick seat next to Simon. Captain Jack of course is in his traditional aisle seat. Ellen claims that she moved to the other end of the table because Simon groped her during Hollywood Week, and even has some manufactured video to prove it. It was not as good as the manufactured video of Paula and Simon kissing a few seasons back but it is on par with the fake videos that the producers featured during the auditions.

Tonight the contestants got to choose from the Billboard charts, so with virtually every song ever recorded over the last 50 years available to sing I would expect that there will be a lot of dull and unoriginal song choices.

Paige Miles, “All Right Now” by Free: Paige is a preschool teacher who was on another planet during Hollywood Week when she got to sing with Michael Jackson’s ex-backup singers. Paige starts out flat, and then picks it up a bit when she starts shouting. She finishes with the traditional big note finish. Quite honestly, it was the wrong song choice. Captain Jack agrees with me, accusing Paige of choosing a “wedding reception song.” Simon still thinks she has the best voice in the competition. Of course the rest of America hasn't been able to judge this for themselves thanks to the producers’ decision to not feature her during the auditions shows. Horny Chick disagrees with Simon and thinks that Paige “slayed” the verses. Randy basically agrees with Simon, and then tosses it to “E,” who thought Paige was “there.” Trained Seal pushes Paige to admit that her dress was so tight that she hasn't been able to pee for 5 hours. Thanks for that, Ryan, what a way to promote one of your contestants.

Ashley Rodriguez, “Happy” by Leona Lewis: Ashley is the Berkeley music school student from Boston that Vote for the Worst.com thinks is one of the producers’ favorites to win. She doesn't help her cause by talking about how big of a Jordin Sparks fan she is. Ashley attempts a slow ballad and hits some good notes when she is not breathing into the microphone and trying so hard to show some emotion. Horny Chick was not impressed and told Ashley that she should sing something different. Big Sexy thinks Ashley should attempt more diva songs, completely the opposite advice he would tell most of the other contestants later on. E repeats what Kara said. Captain Jack thought the performance was clumsy and that Ashley was regressing backward from her audition. Unlike the others Simon thinks she may be in trouble. Trained Seal attempts to give her some banal advice that belittles his standing as America’s most popular host.

Janell Wheeler, “What About Love” by Heart: Immediately I question the song choice. This is a big voice song and typically thin blonde chicks don’t have big voices. A few seconds in and Janell does not disappoint. Ann Wilson she clearly is not, in more ways than one. Janell has a nice little country twang in her voice but that does her no good here. Likewise her looks. Big Sexy still has vibes though he too didn't like the song choice. E thought a couple notes were off. So much for her not being able to make any music comments. Captain Jack gave her an A for effort but only a C+ for performance. He really gave it a 65% but we are grading on a curve here. Kara agrees with me that the song was too big for her. Trained Seal asks Randy what song he would have chosen, and rather than be specific Big Sexy vaguely talks about originality, if you know what he is saying.

Lilly Scott, “Fixing a Hole” by The Beatles: Of all the songs that The Beatles placed on the Billboard charts Lilly picked this obscure one for her first live performance. I’ll give her points for originality. She is playing a guitar that of course we cannot hear, but that worked pretty well for Kris Allen last year so who am I to criticize? Lilly has some scary eye make-up on with a scary singing voice to match. She is an original, which means that she has no chance to win but will be fun to watch. E declares “that’s what I’m talking about.” Captain Jack thought it was the best so far because it was original but also felt that Lilly does not have enough star power. The screams in the audience of course turn to boos. Horny Chick likes Lilly’s believability and compliments her for bringing her street musician experience to Idol. Yeah, that’s what this show needs, more street performers. Big Sexy likes that Lilly is an indie artist who is not a sound-alike, unlike many of the copy cat performers from last season. Yes, he really did say that. Trained Seal does some trash talking about Horny Chick while she is flirting with Simon.

Katelyn Epperly, “Oh Darling” by The Beatles: Two straight performers choosing obscure Beatles numbers. Rather than play it straight and belt it out like the original blues number, Katelyn instead sings it as if it is the second act at the Moulin Rouge. Katelyn has dressed for the part too with all sorts of make-up and a tight black dress. Captain Jack as expected likes her because she is blonde and wearing a tight black dress even though she screamed part of the song. Horny Chick liked how she switched up the song but is no fan of the make-up. Big Sexy likes the make-up, while E was overcome by Katelyn’s scintillating personality. Tight dress + make-up + dramatic voice = big personality. Trained Seal wants to know what Katelyn was thinking when she was listening to Horny Chick trashing her make-up. Katelyn is too nice to say so Kara jumps in to say that Katelyn was thinking that she was a bitch. In your dreams Horny Chick.

As I type this I’m watching the Olympic giant slalom event, and there is this big voiced guy in the Olympic alpine skiers start house yelling at the US skiers. “Come on, Ted!” “Beat it up!” “Come on Bode, take this thing!” Talk about a vocal coach. The Idol producers should consider hiring this guy after the Olympics are over.

Haeley Vaughn, “I Wanna Hold Your Hand” by The Beatles: Unlike the previous 2 performers Haeley (with an extra “e”) chose a better known Beatles song but then changed up the arrangement. What’s up with these girls that they think that they can actually improve a Paul McCartney arrangement? Who do they think they are, Adam Lambert? Haeley changed the song into a ballad number, and while the arrangement was OK her intonation was very sloppy. Horny Chick jumped on the technical issues but then complimented her for having fun on stage, because after all this is a singing competition. Big Sexy goes further by saying that they high notes that Hayley screamed were “unpleasant.” He also brings up the age thing of course, a theme that E quickly picks up on. Captain Jack thought it was borderline terrible and that she was like a wind-up doll. The audience of wind-up dolls of course boos being insulted like that. Simon then admonishes the audience for booing him for saying “what you’re thinking.” That’s just it, none of them are thinking.

Lacey Brown, “Landslide” by Fleetwood Mac: At first I did not recognize the song title, and after Lacey started singing it still took me a while to recognize it. It is a very textured vocal but sadly Lacey is not a very textured vocalist. Stevie Nicks she is not. She would have been better off trying a Pat Benetar number; it would have matched both her voice and her hairdo. Big Sexy dares to say that “it was terrible,” a rare show of honesty from the big fella. E was not much more complimentary, telling Lacey that she got lost. Captain Jack thought it was depressing, indulgent, and boring, and no one boos. Horny Chick thought Lacey tried to force the notes but she still hopes that America will give Lacey another chance, though Kara doesn't volunteer to offer up someone to take her place. Lacey reveals to Trained Seal that she was surprised that Simon thought it was boring.

Michelle Delamor, “Fallin” by Alicia Keys: Michelle gets the Coca-Cola treatment from Trained Seal, though Ryan allows fellow contestant Katie Stevens to take up some of her air time. Since Michelle got zero air time during the auditions we are allowed to learn that Michelle is a 22 year old from Miami who works at a clothing store and sings at corporate events. Kind of reminds me of Syesha Mercado from 2 seasons back, another corporate singer from Miami. Michelle turns the song into a corporate ballad with the requisite big note at the end, albeit with a nice voice. E acknowledged that Michelle sang a difficult vocal well but felt that Michelle played it too safe. Big Sexy agreed with E, confirming that Ellen has this Idol judging thing already down pat. Simon thought it was OK but lacked “wow.” Horny Chick thought Michelle was too professional and that she seemed to be trying to be a diva. So I guess after 8 seasons of professional divas being put forth by these guys this is no longer acceptable.

Didi Benami, “The Way I Am” by Ingrid Michaelson: 9 songs in and I finally come across a song that I need to look up on the Internet. Usually it only takes 2 or 3 songs before that happens. Trained Seal claimed that we would learn how Didi has been on a roller coaster journey on Idol but then her video only talks about how she often cried without saying why. It only takes me two notes to realize that she looks and sounds just like Megan Joy Corkrey from last season only without the tummy shimmy. She gives out hints that she has a good voice but it’s buried by her bad phrasing and pitchiness. Captain Jack uses Didi as an example for all of the Adele and Duffy sound-alikes among the female contestants. And this is supposed to be the girl’s year. Both he and Big Sexy thought it was too dreary, too sleepy, and lacked any spark, though only Simon gets booed. E joins the low key bandwagon, but Horny Chick disagrees with all of them and declares that she loves Didi’s originality. Trained Seal asks Simon to elaborate on why he seemed so frustrated. Captain Jack talks about how the first Idol performance should be memorable like a first kiss. When Ryan claims that his first kiss was nothing like that Simon retaliates by claiming that “it probably went both ways.” Captain Jack does show some restraint though and stays away from the ambiguously gay comments.

Siobhan Magnus, “Wicked Game” by Chris Issak: For the record, her first name is pronounced “shi-von”, just like it is spelled. She has the deepest voice among the chicks tonight, but after belting out a Stevie Wonder song during Hollywood Week Siobhan chooses a slow haunting ballad this time. And this is after Captain Jack told her that the Stevie Wonder song was what got her in the Top 24. She has a decent voice, but it was not the best song choice by all accounts. Randy agrees with me. Horny Chick thinks she is quirky and in the moment but says nothing about her voice. E was entertained and also says nothing about her voice, but then unlike Kara Ellen has never claimed to be a judge of musical talent. Captain Jack thinks Siobhan is a “funny little thing” who could be a dark horse in the competition but also wonders why she chose this particular song.

Crystal Bowersox, “Hands in My Pocket” by Alanis Morissette: Crystal admitted that she had not considered auditioning for Idol until she needed money to support her son. Crystal has got the Janis Joplin thing going on and even pulls out a harmonica for a full coffee house effect. Big Sexy loves Crystal’s originality and name drops Springsteen, Dylan, and Melissa Etheridge with three quick blasts. Ellen says that she will vote for Crystal. Captain Jack puts a damper on things by telling Crystal (correctly) that while there are few Idol performers like Crystal there are thousands just like her singing in subway stations all over America. He suggested that Crystal try a David Bowie song instead, a suggestion that Crystal says she will consider. Kara essentially agrees with Simon and tells Crystal that she can be more than a “coffee house performer.”

Katie Stevens, “Feeling Good” by Michael Buble: After getting both the closer spot and a few seconds of airtime during Michelle Delamor’s Coca-Cola interview is there any doubt who the producers are pushing during this “girl’s year”? Katie attempts a slow ballad and sounds like a lounge singer. It was a traditional 16-17 year old performance, a girl trying to sing like a 30 year old. E thought Katie was too conservative and too old of a performance. Captain Jack agreed with Ellen and quipped that it sounded like Katie’s parents picked the song. Horny Chick thought it was pitchy but that Katie still had “ridiculous chops.” Big Sexy goes all technical and talks about how Katie’s pitch was too sharp because she was pushing too hard. Katie nods in agreement, but then again the season is still young.

The Final Score: 9 shots at Horny Chick Kara; 9 shots at Big Sexy Randy; 8 shots at Trained Seal Ryan; 7 shots at Captain Jack Simon; 6 shots at E Ellen; and 5 shots at the audience. 5 references to former Idol contestants, 12 references to other non-Idol performers including the US Ski Team coach, and 2 references to Drunk Chick Paula. 3 name drops (all by Big Sexy), 2 iTunes plugs, 2 tight dresses, 2 extra E’s, 1 Coca-Cola treatment, 1 Moulin Rouge reference, 1 song I needed to look up online, and only 1 contestant who challenges the judge’s comments.

Your 3 Stars of the Night: It was very disappointing that none of the girls stood out when the promos have all touted how talented this season’s girls are. Lilly Scott, Siobhan Magnus, and Crystal Bowersox get kudos for being original. The rest were mostly OK. Perhaps the guys will be better tomorrow.

The Fearless Prediction: Lacey Brown got the most critical comments and while she was not an embarrassment she was not up to par with the others on an overall sub-par night. So my first fearless prediction is that she will be going home on Thursday. There are a number of contenders for the second ticket home, including Hollywood favorite Ashley Rodriguez, Haeley Vaughn, and Michelle Delamor. However, my guess is that Megan Joy Corkrey sound-alike Didi Benami’s roller coaster ride will come to an end before we learn why it has been a roller coaster ride.

After The Break

Because of a number of reasons, some of them legit (like work) and some not so legit (my DVR lost the recording of the Denver audition show) I fell way behind on my recaps so I decided that I was going to skip recapping Hollywood Week. I hate recapping Hollywood Week anyway. All that jumping around from contestant to contestant made it take forever to watch the show, take down the notes, and then rehash it here for your entertainment pleasure. But now that Hollywood Week is over and the Top 24 has been selected I guess that it is time for me to get back into the game.

This year the Idol producers threw a new wrinkle in the Chair Show. Apparently I was right about Paula getting the rights to the judges' mansion in the divorce settlement since this year the Chair Show was staged at the Kodak Theater. Trained Seal of course made all sorts of claims about how historic the Kodak is, even though the theater has only been around for about 10 years or so and Idol hasn't staged their grand finale there in about 3 seasons. I miss the old days when Hollywood Week was at the Pantages and the Chair Show was in some non-descript dance studio in Pasadena.

So far Ellen DeGeneres has not embarrassed herself, thereby increasing the challenge of finding creative ways to insult her. I was going to say that perhaps this is because she hasn't been in a live show yet, but then I remembered that she has already done quite a few live shows already. I guess that means no acid trips from the judges' table this season.

And who among you out there seriously believe that the Idol producers want to hire Howard Stern to take Captain Jack's place next season? If they do that then this blog becomes an archive.

So this season's Top 24 are:

"Big" Mike Lynche, the personal trainer whose wife had a baby during Hollywood Week.

Didi Benami, who sang Horny Chick's song in honor of her deceased BFF at her audition.

Katelyn Epperly, who auditioned for her mom since her dad left town.

Casey Jones, who turned Horny Chick on in his Denver audition by taking his shirt off. He may be the most attractive dude in the Top 24.

Aaron Kelly, a 16 year old with a "difficult upbringing" who got no screen time during his audition.

Lee Dewyze, who got even less screen time than Aaron.

Todrick Hall, who still got through to Hollywood despite singing an original song, did back flips when he was put through, and knows Fantasia personally.

Janell Wheeler, a leggy blonde who was barely mentioned during the auditions but may be the most attractive girl in the Top 24.

Tyler Grady, the drummer with the look from the 70's and who auditioned with 2 broken wrists and may give Casey a run for the chick vote.

Lacey Brown, who was set up to lose to Megan Joy during one of the sing-offs in last season's Chair Show but made it through this season.

Ashley Rodriguez, a Berkeley School of Music student who Captain Jack thinks has "it" and could give Janell Wheeler a run for the dude vote.

Alex Lambert, who is not related to Broadway Boy.

Joe Munoz, who must have auditioned in Denver because I don't remember ever seeing him.

Crystal Bowersox, the harmonica playing mama who may be this season's Amanda Overmyer.

Katie Stevens, the 17 year old whose Portuguese grandma has Alzheimer's.

Lilly Scott, the silver haired girl featured during the Hollywood shows.

Paige Miles, who got some screen time during Hollywood Week.

Siobhan Magnus, who wins the award for most unique name of any Top 24 contestant ever.

Michelle Delamor, who I know nothing about.

Jermaine Sellers, whose R&B groove of "One of Us" Mary J. Blige thought was "anointed."

John Park, the requisite Asian-American (every season needs at least 1 in the Top 24) whose bottom end and "good head" impressed Shania Twain during his Chicago audition.

Haley Vaughn, who could pass for Paige Miles' sister. At first I thought they were the same person.

and last but not least, Andrew Garcia, who gave Katy Perry chills during his LA audition and who blew away Horny Chick with his emo rendition of Paula's "Straight Up" during Hollywood Week.

But wait, if you're keeping score at home you'll notice I've only listed 23 contestants. That is because the 24th contestant, Tim Urban, was not shown during either Chair Show until the goofy dancing bit at the end. He was not even on stage with Trained Seal. Chris Golightly, the shoe salesman who grew up with 24 different foster care families, was on the stage instead but was also mysteriously not featured during the show. According to the AP a Fox spokesperson claimed that they would explain the "switcharoo" after the West Coast broadcast. Well, I'm waiting... Vote for the Worst is reporting that Golightly was disqualified because he already has a record deal. Nice of them to find this out now. We'll see if Trained Seal bothers to mention this next week.

Among the notable auditioners who did not make it to the Top 24 are Maddy Curtis, the 16 year old whose brothers all have Down's Syndrome; Justin Williams, the cancer survivor from David Archuleta's hometown of Sandy, UT; Bryan Walker, the singing cop from Tennessee; Charity Vance, the 16 year old who sings in her parents' beauty salon; Matt Lawrence, who spent time in prison for robbing a bank with a BB gun; Mary Powers, the rocker chick who was the star of Hollywood Week; Shelby Dressel, the girl who suffers from facial paralysis except when she sings; and Angela Martin. This was Angela's third attempt to make it to the Top 24. Two years ago she dropped out during Hollywood Week after her father was murdered, and last year she missed the Chair Show because she was in jail for a traffic violation. This year her mother went missing while she was in Hollywood but she still managed to make it to the chairs only to be sent home, and since Angela is 28 she won't be eligible to compete on Idol ever again. Everyone was in tears, which leads me to wonder why she was cut in the first place. I have to admit, I was sad to see her go to.

So buckle up America, because the live shows begin next Tuesday. Time to start warming up the laptop and that sarcasm machine...

Rose Parade of Losers

Yes, I know I am late with this recap. The 1 or 2 of you out there who know me know the reasons why. I won’t subject the rest of you to the details. I love you all but some things are best kept to one’s self. However, thanks to the miracle of modern technology known as the DVR I recorded last week’s auditions for review at a later time. I’ll be doing the same this week so that I am not up until 2 am three nights in a row. I love you all but I don’t love all of you that much…

The Los Angeles auditions began with Trained Seal promoting his L.A. radio show, followed by some meaningless old style Hollywood promo. Perhaps it goes without saying that neither the mass gathering of 11,000 auditioners at the Rose Bowl in Pasadena nor the real auditions at an unknown hotel in Marina Del Rey were actually in either Los Angeles or Hollywood, though you could see the Hollywood sign from the hotel.

Our guest judge for Day 1 is Avril Lavigne, the young Canadian who is still under the age of 28 and perhaps may end up trying out for the show next season unless her next album actually sells. For some reason Avril is supporting a hoodie with horns on the hood, which Captain Jack finds attractive and the rest of America finds confusing.

Our first contestant is 19 year old Neil Goldstein, a data entry tech from Redlands, CA who claims to have an IQ of 168. If he really is as smart as he claims he is Neil would not have a) tried out for American Idol and b) have a job as a data entry tech. 19 year olds with an IQ that high are usually studying at Cal Tech, not ITT Tech. Neil starts by forgetting the second lyric of Meatloaf’s “Rock and Roll Dreams Come True”. He finally remembers his lines and would have had a decent audition if he didn't sound so much like a goat. Once Captain Jack starts into his usual search for bad analogies Neil declares that he is “not going anywhere.” Simon tells Neil that he needs a reality check, to which Neil replies “Simon Cowell, there is no reality except for what we make for ourselves man.” Now there is that high IQ at work. Avril thinks Neil is awkward and bizarre, and with that Neil is off and away; the closest we came, it turned out, to Psycho of the Night.

Next up was Jim Ranger, a 27 year old pastor from Bakersfield, CA. In addition to his ministry Jim also has a wife and three kids that get the full sympathy treatment from the producers. He attempts his own composition, “Drive”, which prompted Trained Seal to warn Jim’s family about the dangers of singing an original song. I guess Ryan forgot to tell Jim. Jim actually does a decent rendition of the song, sounding a lot like Season 5 winner Chris Dau... oh, sorry, Taylor Hicks. Avril says no, thinking that Jim won’t be able to deal with life on the road as a singer and still be a pastor with 3 kids. So here we have some kid singer wearing a hoodie with devil horns telling an older pastor that his ministry and his kids are more important than a singing career. Now I am really confused. The other judges are more impressed by Jim’s singing voice and as a result he is off to Hollywood despite Avril’s concerns.

After a parade of losers we are introduced to 27 year old Damien Lefavor, a sandwich maker from Seattle. Damien claims to be a pacifist with an addiction for martial arts, which suggests to me that a) his audition will suck and that b) he is a potential Psycho of the Night candidate. His rendition of “You Lost That Loving Feeling” did in fact suck but rather than act all psycho about it Damien admitted that he screwed up and left the room without so much as a whimper of protest.

The next montage was of the little kids who were at the audition. One of them was an 8 year old girl who really liked Simon because he was the negative one. Her mother, 28 year old Mary Powers from Burbank, CA, was hoping that her daughter was wrong. Mary has the rocker chick look and matches it with her rocker chick rendition of Pat Benatar's “Love is a Battlefield”. Captain Jack was negative about Mary’s clichéd look but voted yes anyway, as did the other judges because of the Idol rule that there has to be at least one rocker chick in the competition, and Mary is the best one that the producers have allowed us to see so far.

After the break there was yet another montage, this time of all the auditioners pretending to be Adam Lambert. The only one of the imitators to get any screen time was 20 year old A.J. Mendoza from Upland, CA. A.J. is a theatrical performer (now there is a surprise) who claimed to have received positive feedback from Broadway Boy after A.J. sent Adam a demo tape. After a sloppy theatrical production of Living Colour’s “Cult of Personality” A.J. won’t be getting a callback, though both Big Sexy and I admired the song choice. Captain Jack reached into his bag of analogies and pulled out this zinger that really impressed Avril: “It sounded like you've gone to the dentist 10 minutes ago with a ton of anesthetic.” Both Randy and Kara (yes, they were actually there) noticed that A.J. barely opened his mouth and were disgusted when he finally did.

Day 2 begins with a new guest judge. Avril is out and Katy Perry is in. Katy may be a one-hit wonder but unlike Avril she actually has had a hit record recently and also promised to be brutally honest to the contestants. I read today that Katy and her groom to be plan to get married naked so this promise took on some extra meaning. One benefit of typing this a week late is that I can incorporate this important piece of information.

First up is Austin Fullner, a 19 year old water treatment tech from Glendale, CA. I think two techs in one night is a new Idol record. Austin waltzes in wearing a shinny stripped shirt and does a decent impression of Jim Carrey impersonating Mick Jagger while yelling out Cheap Trick’s “Surrender”. Katy too saw the Mick Jagger impression but thought it was Iggy Pop doing Mick instead of Jim Carrey. Austin starts to beg when Captain Jack disagrees with Austin’s claim that his purpose in life is to sing, and goes into full begging mode when Big Sexy starts to agree with Simon. Finally Austin leaves, though without the need for security. After his departure Katy wonders if the contestants get frisked before being let in. I believe that is one of Trained Seal’s jobs along with teasing the breaks, saying what the producers tell him to, and plotting to take over the entire entertainment industry.

After yet another parade of losers, these ones crying, we meet 23 year old musician Andrew Garcia from Moreno Valley, CA. Like the pastor before him Andrew is a dad too but in his intro we see more of Andrew’s mom and dad, who were both former gang members in Compton but moved away to keep their son out of them. Also like Pastor Jim Ranger Andrew does a decent Taylor Hicks impression including hitting some good high notes. This sends chills up Katy’s spin and sends Andrew to Hollywood with 4 yeses.

Another Idol first was set when the second minister of the night, 26 year old Tasha Layton from Granada Hills, CA, enters the room. Two ministers, two dads, and two Taylor Hicks impersonators all in one night has got to be a first. Tasha sings Josh Stone’s “Baby, Baby, Baby”. I have not heard of Josh Stone but this is one reason why I watch this show, so I can find out about all the singers the kids are digging these days. Tasha has a decent voice but appears somewhat self-indulgent. Captain Jack surprised me by not pointing this out. Instead Simon guarantees that there will be an “Oh Happy Day” medley if Tasha makes the Top 12. Since I don’t usually watch the results shows I’ll never know. Tasha received 4 yeses and a gold ticket.

Trained Seal promised us that the next featured contestant, 21 year old student Jason Greene from Los Angeles, would be the exact opposite from Reverend Tasha. Jason does a creepy version of “I Touch Myself” that Horny Chick cannot resist singing along to and grouping Big Sexy at the same time. Jason gets on his knees and invites Captain Jack to join him, which of course Simon respectfully declines. Katy declares that she “feels dirty” after the performance, which prompts Jason to sass back “I’m sure it does, especially with that top.” Mind you Katy was wearing a standard issue pink blouse. Horny Chick proudly claims that “it’s hard for girls to get dirty,” which surprised both Big Sexy and me. Jason threatens the judges by promising to try out again next season and gives Trained Seal his phone number, telling Ryan that he can call him “anytime, I’m serious.” Ryan sternly tells Jason that “as much as you may believe what you read” he doesn't want the number and instead gives it to one of the bodyguards. See, it’s not just me and Captain Jack that questions Trained Seal’s ambiguous sexual preference, unless Ryan is actually reading this blog.

The last contestant of the evening is our Sob Story of the Night. 25 year old shoe salesman Chris Golightly grew up in 25 different foster care homes and claims that he just wants to be loved and accepted. Chris sang the now classic “Stand by Me”. He has a decent tenor voice though he too seems a little bit self-indulgent. Horny Chick declares that Chris was her favorite from the L.A. auditions mostly because he can “really connect with” his back story, kind of like the blind guy that Kara and Paula fell for last season. Katy reminds Horny Chick that Idol is a singing competition and “not a Lifetime story,” leading Kara to complain that Katy is not teaming up with her like all the other guest female judges have done. It also leads me to wonder why Katy was not asked to be the full time fourth judge instead of Ellen. Katy and Simon give Chris a small “y” yes while Big Sexy agrees with Kara and gets a big hug from Horny Chick. Chris is off to Hollywood and gets beaten up by his 2 buddies while he tries to leave the hotel.

In all 22 golden tickets were handed out during the L.A. auditions, though for some reason the producers only felt like showing 5 of them.

The next auditions are in Dallas, where Trained Seal promised us a Barney appearance. Ooh, I should go fire up that DVR right now.

Your Three Stars of the Night: The two dads, Jim Ranger and Andrew Garcia, both stood out as did the apparently designated rocker chick Mary Powers. Honorable mention goes to the other minister, Tasha Layton.