Tradition with a Small t

Continuing the director’s milieu this season of including behind the scenes shots we start the semi-finals with a shot of the director cueing Trained Seal from the booth. After the traditional manufactured drama from Ryan and the traditional main theme, we are set to begin the live portion of Season 9 from the traditional Coca-Cola studio.

The theme being pushed by the producers is that this is a girl’s year, so right away Trained Seal asks Captain Jack to elaborate on his statements to that effect. We’ll see if there is anything to back that up as this chicks get to go first tonight. The judges have played musical chairs tonight as Ellen is on the end instead of Randy and Kara occupies the Drunk Chick seat next to Simon. Captain Jack of course is in his traditional aisle seat. Ellen claims that she moved to the other end of the table because Simon groped her during Hollywood Week, and even has some manufactured video to prove it. It was not as good as the manufactured video of Paula and Simon kissing a few seasons back but it is on par with the fake videos that the producers featured during the auditions.

Tonight the contestants got to choose from the Billboard charts, so with virtually every song ever recorded over the last 50 years available to sing I would expect that there will be a lot of dull and unoriginal song choices.

Paige Miles, “All Right Now” by Free: Paige is a preschool teacher who was on another planet during Hollywood Week when she got to sing with Michael Jackson’s ex-backup singers. Paige starts out flat, and then picks it up a bit when she starts shouting. She finishes with the traditional big note finish. Quite honestly, it was the wrong song choice. Captain Jack agrees with me, accusing Paige of choosing a “wedding reception song.” Simon still thinks she has the best voice in the competition. Of course the rest of America hasn't been able to judge this for themselves thanks to the producers’ decision to not feature her during the auditions shows. Horny Chick disagrees with Simon and thinks that Paige “slayed” the verses. Randy basically agrees with Simon, and then tosses it to “E,” who thought Paige was “there.” Trained Seal pushes Paige to admit that her dress was so tight that she hasn't been able to pee for 5 hours. Thanks for that, Ryan, what a way to promote one of your contestants.

Ashley Rodriguez, “Happy” by Leona Lewis: Ashley is the Berkeley music school student from Boston that Vote for the Worst.com thinks is one of the producers’ favorites to win. She doesn't help her cause by talking about how big of a Jordin Sparks fan she is. Ashley attempts a slow ballad and hits some good notes when she is not breathing into the microphone and trying so hard to show some emotion. Horny Chick was not impressed and told Ashley that she should sing something different. Big Sexy thinks Ashley should attempt more diva songs, completely the opposite advice he would tell most of the other contestants later on. E repeats what Kara said. Captain Jack thought the performance was clumsy and that Ashley was regressing backward from her audition. Unlike the others Simon thinks she may be in trouble. Trained Seal attempts to give her some banal advice that belittles his standing as America’s most popular host.

Janell Wheeler, “What About Love” by Heart: Immediately I question the song choice. This is a big voice song and typically thin blonde chicks don’t have big voices. A few seconds in and Janell does not disappoint. Ann Wilson she clearly is not, in more ways than one. Janell has a nice little country twang in her voice but that does her no good here. Likewise her looks. Big Sexy still has vibes though he too didn't like the song choice. E thought a couple notes were off. So much for her not being able to make any music comments. Captain Jack gave her an A for effort but only a C+ for performance. He really gave it a 65% but we are grading on a curve here. Kara agrees with me that the song was too big for her. Trained Seal asks Randy what song he would have chosen, and rather than be specific Big Sexy vaguely talks about originality, if you know what he is saying.

Lilly Scott, “Fixing a Hole” by The Beatles: Of all the songs that The Beatles placed on the Billboard charts Lilly picked this obscure one for her first live performance. I’ll give her points for originality. She is playing a guitar that of course we cannot hear, but that worked pretty well for Kris Allen last year so who am I to criticize? Lilly has some scary eye make-up on with a scary singing voice to match. She is an original, which means that she has no chance to win but will be fun to watch. E declares “that’s what I’m talking about.” Captain Jack thought it was the best so far because it was original but also felt that Lilly does not have enough star power. The screams in the audience of course turn to boos. Horny Chick likes Lilly’s believability and compliments her for bringing her street musician experience to Idol. Yeah, that’s what this show needs, more street performers. Big Sexy likes that Lilly is an indie artist who is not a sound-alike, unlike many of the copy cat performers from last season. Yes, he really did say that. Trained Seal does some trash talking about Horny Chick while she is flirting with Simon.

Katelyn Epperly, “Oh Darling” by The Beatles: Two straight performers choosing obscure Beatles numbers. Rather than play it straight and belt it out like the original blues number, Katelyn instead sings it as if it is the second act at the Moulin Rouge. Katelyn has dressed for the part too with all sorts of make-up and a tight black dress. Captain Jack as expected likes her because she is blonde and wearing a tight black dress even though she screamed part of the song. Horny Chick liked how she switched up the song but is no fan of the make-up. Big Sexy likes the make-up, while E was overcome by Katelyn’s scintillating personality. Tight dress + make-up + dramatic voice = big personality. Trained Seal wants to know what Katelyn was thinking when she was listening to Horny Chick trashing her make-up. Katelyn is too nice to say so Kara jumps in to say that Katelyn was thinking that she was a bitch. In your dreams Horny Chick.

As I type this I’m watching the Olympic giant slalom event, and there is this big voiced guy in the Olympic alpine skiers start house yelling at the US skiers. “Come on, Ted!” “Beat it up!” “Come on Bode, take this thing!” Talk about a vocal coach. The Idol producers should consider hiring this guy after the Olympics are over.

Haeley Vaughn, “I Wanna Hold Your Hand” by The Beatles: Unlike the previous 2 performers Haeley (with an extra “e”) chose a better known Beatles song but then changed up the arrangement. What’s up with these girls that they think that they can actually improve a Paul McCartney arrangement? Who do they think they are, Adam Lambert? Haeley changed the song into a ballad number, and while the arrangement was OK her intonation was very sloppy. Horny Chick jumped on the technical issues but then complimented her for having fun on stage, because after all this is a singing competition. Big Sexy goes further by saying that they high notes that Hayley screamed were “unpleasant.” He also brings up the age thing of course, a theme that E quickly picks up on. Captain Jack thought it was borderline terrible and that she was like a wind-up doll. The audience of wind-up dolls of course boos being insulted like that. Simon then admonishes the audience for booing him for saying “what you’re thinking.” That’s just it, none of them are thinking.

Lacey Brown, “Landslide” by Fleetwood Mac: At first I did not recognize the song title, and after Lacey started singing it still took me a while to recognize it. It is a very textured vocal but sadly Lacey is not a very textured vocalist. Stevie Nicks she is not. She would have been better off trying a Pat Benetar number; it would have matched both her voice and her hairdo. Big Sexy dares to say that “it was terrible,” a rare show of honesty from the big fella. E was not much more complimentary, telling Lacey that she got lost. Captain Jack thought it was depressing, indulgent, and boring, and no one boos. Horny Chick thought Lacey tried to force the notes but she still hopes that America will give Lacey another chance, though Kara doesn't volunteer to offer up someone to take her place. Lacey reveals to Trained Seal that she was surprised that Simon thought it was boring.

Michelle Delamor, “Fallin” by Alicia Keys: Michelle gets the Coca-Cola treatment from Trained Seal, though Ryan allows fellow contestant Katie Stevens to take up some of her air time. Since Michelle got zero air time during the auditions we are allowed to learn that Michelle is a 22 year old from Miami who works at a clothing store and sings at corporate events. Kind of reminds me of Syesha Mercado from 2 seasons back, another corporate singer from Miami. Michelle turns the song into a corporate ballad with the requisite big note at the end, albeit with a nice voice. E acknowledged that Michelle sang a difficult vocal well but felt that Michelle played it too safe. Big Sexy agreed with E, confirming that Ellen has this Idol judging thing already down pat. Simon thought it was OK but lacked “wow.” Horny Chick thought Michelle was too professional and that she seemed to be trying to be a diva. So I guess after 8 seasons of professional divas being put forth by these guys this is no longer acceptable.

Didi Benami, “The Way I Am” by Ingrid Michaelson: 9 songs in and I finally come across a song that I need to look up on the Internet. Usually it only takes 2 or 3 songs before that happens. Trained Seal claimed that we would learn how Didi has been on a roller coaster journey on Idol but then her video only talks about how she often cried without saying why. It only takes me two notes to realize that she looks and sounds just like Megan Joy Corkrey from last season only without the tummy shimmy. She gives out hints that she has a good voice but it’s buried by her bad phrasing and pitchiness. Captain Jack uses Didi as an example for all of the Adele and Duffy sound-alikes among the female contestants. And this is supposed to be the girl’s year. Both he and Big Sexy thought it was too dreary, too sleepy, and lacked any spark, though only Simon gets booed. E joins the low key bandwagon, but Horny Chick disagrees with all of them and declares that she loves Didi’s originality. Trained Seal asks Simon to elaborate on why he seemed so frustrated. Captain Jack talks about how the first Idol performance should be memorable like a first kiss. When Ryan claims that his first kiss was nothing like that Simon retaliates by claiming that “it probably went both ways.” Captain Jack does show some restraint though and stays away from the ambiguously gay comments.

Siobhan Magnus, “Wicked Game” by Chris Issak: For the record, her first name is pronounced “shi-von”, just like it is spelled. She has the deepest voice among the chicks tonight, but after belting out a Stevie Wonder song during Hollywood Week Siobhan chooses a slow haunting ballad this time. And this is after Captain Jack told her that the Stevie Wonder song was what got her in the Top 24. She has a decent voice, but it was not the best song choice by all accounts. Randy agrees with me. Horny Chick thinks she is quirky and in the moment but says nothing about her voice. E was entertained and also says nothing about her voice, but then unlike Kara Ellen has never claimed to be a judge of musical talent. Captain Jack thinks Siobhan is a “funny little thing” who could be a dark horse in the competition but also wonders why she chose this particular song.

Crystal Bowersox, “Hands in My Pocket” by Alanis Morissette: Crystal admitted that she had not considered auditioning for Idol until she needed money to support her son. Crystal has got the Janis Joplin thing going on and even pulls out a harmonica for a full coffee house effect. Big Sexy loves Crystal’s originality and name drops Springsteen, Dylan, and Melissa Etheridge with three quick blasts. Ellen says that she will vote for Crystal. Captain Jack puts a damper on things by telling Crystal (correctly) that while there are few Idol performers like Crystal there are thousands just like her singing in subway stations all over America. He suggested that Crystal try a David Bowie song instead, a suggestion that Crystal says she will consider. Kara essentially agrees with Simon and tells Crystal that she can be more than a “coffee house performer.”

Katie Stevens, “Feeling Good” by Michael Buble: After getting both the closer spot and a few seconds of airtime during Michelle Delamor’s Coca-Cola interview is there any doubt who the producers are pushing during this “girl’s year”? Katie attempts a slow ballad and sounds like a lounge singer. It was a traditional 16-17 year old performance, a girl trying to sing like a 30 year old. E thought Katie was too conservative and too old of a performance. Captain Jack agreed with Ellen and quipped that it sounded like Katie’s parents picked the song. Horny Chick thought it was pitchy but that Katie still had “ridiculous chops.” Big Sexy goes all technical and talks about how Katie’s pitch was too sharp because she was pushing too hard. Katie nods in agreement, but then again the season is still young.

The Final Score: 9 shots at Horny Chick Kara; 9 shots at Big Sexy Randy; 8 shots at Trained Seal Ryan; 7 shots at Captain Jack Simon; 6 shots at E Ellen; and 5 shots at the audience. 5 references to former Idol contestants, 12 references to other non-Idol performers including the US Ski Team coach, and 2 references to Drunk Chick Paula. 3 name drops (all by Big Sexy), 2 iTunes plugs, 2 tight dresses, 2 extra E’s, 1 Coca-Cola treatment, 1 Moulin Rouge reference, 1 song I needed to look up online, and only 1 contestant who challenges the judge’s comments.

Your 3 Stars of the Night: It was very disappointing that none of the girls stood out when the promos have all touted how talented this season’s girls are. Lilly Scott, Siobhan Magnus, and Crystal Bowersox get kudos for being original. The rest were mostly OK. Perhaps the guys will be better tomorrow.

The Fearless Prediction: Lacey Brown got the most critical comments and while she was not an embarrassment she was not up to par with the others on an overall sub-par night. So my first fearless prediction is that she will be going home on Thursday. There are a number of contenders for the second ticket home, including Hollywood favorite Ashley Rodriguez, Haeley Vaughn, and Michelle Delamor. However, my guess is that Megan Joy Corkrey sound-alike Didi Benami’s roller coaster ride will come to an end before we learn why it has been a roller coaster ride.