Rose Parade of Losers

Yes, I know I am late with this recap. The 1 or 2 of you out there who know me know the reasons why. I won’t subject the rest of you to the details. I love you all but some things are best kept to one’s self. However, thanks to the miracle of modern technology known as the DVR I recorded last week’s auditions for review at a later time. I’ll be doing the same this week so that I am not up until 2 am three nights in a row. I love you all but I don’t love all of you that much…

The Los Angeles auditions began with Trained Seal promoting his L.A. radio show, followed by some meaningless old style Hollywood promo. Perhaps it goes without saying that neither the mass gathering of 11,000 auditioners at the Rose Bowl in Pasadena nor the real auditions at an unknown hotel in Marina Del Rey were actually in either Los Angeles or Hollywood, though you could see the Hollywood sign from the hotel.

Our guest judge for Day 1 is Avril Lavigne, the young Canadian who is still under the age of 28 and perhaps may end up trying out for the show next season unless her next album actually sells. For some reason Avril is supporting a hoodie with horns on the hood, which Captain Jack finds attractive and the rest of America finds confusing.

Our first contestant is 19 year old Neil Goldstein, a data entry tech from Redlands, CA who claims to have an IQ of 168. If he really is as smart as he claims he is Neil would not have a) tried out for American Idol and b) have a job as a data entry tech. 19 year olds with an IQ that high are usually studying at Cal Tech, not ITT Tech. Neil starts by forgetting the second lyric of Meatloaf’s “Rock and Roll Dreams Come True”. He finally remembers his lines and would have had a decent audition if he didn't sound so much like a goat. Once Captain Jack starts into his usual search for bad analogies Neil declares that he is “not going anywhere.” Simon tells Neil that he needs a reality check, to which Neil replies “Simon Cowell, there is no reality except for what we make for ourselves man.” Now there is that high IQ at work. Avril thinks Neil is awkward and bizarre, and with that Neil is off and away; the closest we came, it turned out, to Psycho of the Night.

Next up was Jim Ranger, a 27 year old pastor from Bakersfield, CA. In addition to his ministry Jim also has a wife and three kids that get the full sympathy treatment from the producers. He attempts his own composition, “Drive”, which prompted Trained Seal to warn Jim’s family about the dangers of singing an original song. I guess Ryan forgot to tell Jim. Jim actually does a decent rendition of the song, sounding a lot like Season 5 winner Chris Dau... oh, sorry, Taylor Hicks. Avril says no, thinking that Jim won’t be able to deal with life on the road as a singer and still be a pastor with 3 kids. So here we have some kid singer wearing a hoodie with devil horns telling an older pastor that his ministry and his kids are more important than a singing career. Now I am really confused. The other judges are more impressed by Jim’s singing voice and as a result he is off to Hollywood despite Avril’s concerns.

After a parade of losers we are introduced to 27 year old Damien Lefavor, a sandwich maker from Seattle. Damien claims to be a pacifist with an addiction for martial arts, which suggests to me that a) his audition will suck and that b) he is a potential Psycho of the Night candidate. His rendition of “You Lost That Loving Feeling” did in fact suck but rather than act all psycho about it Damien admitted that he screwed up and left the room without so much as a whimper of protest.

The next montage was of the little kids who were at the audition. One of them was an 8 year old girl who really liked Simon because he was the negative one. Her mother, 28 year old Mary Powers from Burbank, CA, was hoping that her daughter was wrong. Mary has the rocker chick look and matches it with her rocker chick rendition of Pat Benatar's “Love is a Battlefield”. Captain Jack was negative about Mary’s clichéd look but voted yes anyway, as did the other judges because of the Idol rule that there has to be at least one rocker chick in the competition, and Mary is the best one that the producers have allowed us to see so far.

After the break there was yet another montage, this time of all the auditioners pretending to be Adam Lambert. The only one of the imitators to get any screen time was 20 year old A.J. Mendoza from Upland, CA. A.J. is a theatrical performer (now there is a surprise) who claimed to have received positive feedback from Broadway Boy after A.J. sent Adam a demo tape. After a sloppy theatrical production of Living Colour’s “Cult of Personality” A.J. won’t be getting a callback, though both Big Sexy and I admired the song choice. Captain Jack reached into his bag of analogies and pulled out this zinger that really impressed Avril: “It sounded like you've gone to the dentist 10 minutes ago with a ton of anesthetic.” Both Randy and Kara (yes, they were actually there) noticed that A.J. barely opened his mouth and were disgusted when he finally did.

Day 2 begins with a new guest judge. Avril is out and Katy Perry is in. Katy may be a one-hit wonder but unlike Avril she actually has had a hit record recently and also promised to be brutally honest to the contestants. I read today that Katy and her groom to be plan to get married naked so this promise took on some extra meaning. One benefit of typing this a week late is that I can incorporate this important piece of information.

First up is Austin Fullner, a 19 year old water treatment tech from Glendale, CA. I think two techs in one night is a new Idol record. Austin waltzes in wearing a shinny stripped shirt and does a decent impression of Jim Carrey impersonating Mick Jagger while yelling out Cheap Trick’s “Surrender”. Katy too saw the Mick Jagger impression but thought it was Iggy Pop doing Mick instead of Jim Carrey. Austin starts to beg when Captain Jack disagrees with Austin’s claim that his purpose in life is to sing, and goes into full begging mode when Big Sexy starts to agree with Simon. Finally Austin leaves, though without the need for security. After his departure Katy wonders if the contestants get frisked before being let in. I believe that is one of Trained Seal’s jobs along with teasing the breaks, saying what the producers tell him to, and plotting to take over the entire entertainment industry.

After yet another parade of losers, these ones crying, we meet 23 year old musician Andrew Garcia from Moreno Valley, CA. Like the pastor before him Andrew is a dad too but in his intro we see more of Andrew’s mom and dad, who were both former gang members in Compton but moved away to keep their son out of them. Also like Pastor Jim Ranger Andrew does a decent Taylor Hicks impression including hitting some good high notes. This sends chills up Katy’s spin and sends Andrew to Hollywood with 4 yeses.

Another Idol first was set when the second minister of the night, 26 year old Tasha Layton from Granada Hills, CA, enters the room. Two ministers, two dads, and two Taylor Hicks impersonators all in one night has got to be a first. Tasha sings Josh Stone’s “Baby, Baby, Baby”. I have not heard of Josh Stone but this is one reason why I watch this show, so I can find out about all the singers the kids are digging these days. Tasha has a decent voice but appears somewhat self-indulgent. Captain Jack surprised me by not pointing this out. Instead Simon guarantees that there will be an “Oh Happy Day” medley if Tasha makes the Top 12. Since I don’t usually watch the results shows I’ll never know. Tasha received 4 yeses and a gold ticket.

Trained Seal promised us that the next featured contestant, 21 year old student Jason Greene from Los Angeles, would be the exact opposite from Reverend Tasha. Jason does a creepy version of “I Touch Myself” that Horny Chick cannot resist singing along to and grouping Big Sexy at the same time. Jason gets on his knees and invites Captain Jack to join him, which of course Simon respectfully declines. Katy declares that she “feels dirty” after the performance, which prompts Jason to sass back “I’m sure it does, especially with that top.” Mind you Katy was wearing a standard issue pink blouse. Horny Chick proudly claims that “it’s hard for girls to get dirty,” which surprised both Big Sexy and me. Jason threatens the judges by promising to try out again next season and gives Trained Seal his phone number, telling Ryan that he can call him “anytime, I’m serious.” Ryan sternly tells Jason that “as much as you may believe what you read” he doesn't want the number and instead gives it to one of the bodyguards. See, it’s not just me and Captain Jack that questions Trained Seal’s ambiguous sexual preference, unless Ryan is actually reading this blog.

The last contestant of the evening is our Sob Story of the Night. 25 year old shoe salesman Chris Golightly grew up in 25 different foster care homes and claims that he just wants to be loved and accepted. Chris sang the now classic “Stand by Me”. He has a decent tenor voice though he too seems a little bit self-indulgent. Horny Chick declares that Chris was her favorite from the L.A. auditions mostly because he can “really connect with” his back story, kind of like the blind guy that Kara and Paula fell for last season. Katy reminds Horny Chick that Idol is a singing competition and “not a Lifetime story,” leading Kara to complain that Katy is not teaming up with her like all the other guest female judges have done. It also leads me to wonder why Katy was not asked to be the full time fourth judge instead of Ellen. Katy and Simon give Chris a small “y” yes while Big Sexy agrees with Kara and gets a big hug from Horny Chick. Chris is off to Hollywood and gets beaten up by his 2 buddies while he tries to leave the hotel.

In all 22 golden tickets were handed out during the L.A. auditions, though for some reason the producers only felt like showing 5 of them.

The next auditions are in Dallas, where Trained Seal promised us a Barney appearance. Ooh, I should go fire up that DVR right now.

Your Three Stars of the Night: The two dads, Jim Ranger and Andrew Garcia, both stood out as did the apparently designated rocker chick Mary Powers. Honorable mention goes to the other minister, Tasha Layton.