Undeniable Moments of Brillance

I'm going to try to make this brief since I'm waiting until I finish this review before playing back the results show on my DVR. I don't want you to think that I'm cheating by making my predictions after seeing the results. Judges are supposed to be held to a higher standard after all.

There were lots of interesting signs in the audience, including "Keith is an Urban Cowboy" (very creative) and "What Mariah Says Goes," which sounds great except that no one can figure out just what Mariah is actually saying.

First up was Elijah Liu, the lady killer who is single and available and wants to hit people in the heart. You know, there is a wrestling move called the heart punch that is supposed to momentarily stop an opponent's heart from beating. But I digress. He sang some sleepy Rihanna ballad that the audience clapped along to just to stay awake. His first big note was all fuzzy, probably because he held the mic too close to his mouth. Then it was all downhill from there as he lost the pitch and never managed to get it back. Jaws name dropped New Kids on the Block and would buy blankets with his face on it. Sole Survivor got booed for pointing out that the song was monotonous.

Cortez Shaw was next. He lives for feedback on his singing, especially from Mr. Kidman. He sang a Bruno Mars song and got points for not singing a ballad and for showing some decent dance moves, but the singing was just OK. Competent but boring and karaoke. The judges weren't crazy about it but went to great lengths to avoid saying anything critical and get booed. Glitter Girl name dropped Sting and The Police for no apparent reason that I could tell.

Charlie Askew had no idea what he was doing last week when he sang Elton John's "Rocket Man", so perhaps that explains why this week he sang the Genesis song "Mama" while wearing some odd patterned tank top and some dangling feathered earring thing. He performed the song like he had nothing to lose, I'll give him that, but the vocals were just awful. It was just weird on multiple levels. Mr, Kidman wondered what people at home were thinking and thought Charlie was disingenuous. Jaws thought someone stole her baby, and said a bunch of other critical things that the audience was too busy laughing about to be able to boo her. Only Glitter Girl didn't say anything critical and she really struggled not to. Charlie looked like he was about to have a nervous breakdown, so much so that Trained Seal had to intervene and give Charlie some instant therapy before reading out his phone number.

Nick Boddington got the first Coca-Cola Treatment, where Trained Seal pointed out to everyone that Nick used to have hair. Since is one of only two white dudes (not counting Charlie) still left in the competition I suspect Ryan was asked by Nigel to make a big deal about the hair so the tweeners won't vote for him. Nick was back at the piano to sing the Goo Goo Dolls "Iris", naturally as a ballad. It does seem like the dudes are choosing more songs that I know (i.e. older) than the chicks are. Nick sang with a fair amount of passion, but he seemed to be short on breath quite a lot. He needs a few sessions with Andy Cap to work on his technique. Jaws was upset that Nick turned one of her all time favorite songs into a sleepy ballad. Sole Survivor name dropped Ryan Terry or someone whose name sounds like Ryan Terry.

Burnell Taylor, the guy who lost his house to Hurricane Katrina and then lost 40 pounds so that he could look like Steve Urkel, sang the same ballad that made Glitter Girl cry at his audition. He sang it just as well tonight with a good tone. A great vocal to a boring song. Not only was Mariah crying again but Mr. Kidman was crying too. Sole Survivor finally dropped his first YO.

Paul Jolley was the white guy that Andy Cap saved last week to foil Nigel's plans to have no white guys make it to the voting rounds. He too was given the Coca-Cola treatment by Trained Seal, who bounded with Paul over their mutual obsession with Carrie Underwood. Tonight he revealed that he likes the country and wants to be the dude version of Taylor Swift, which was a surprise to Glitter Girl but not to anyone else. This dude is one smart fella; he knows he's got a shot because he's one of only two white dudes left on the show so he's trying to distinguish himself from the other WG by playing the country angle. Lord knows he ain't gonna impress anyone with his vocals, though to his credit his vocals tonight were decent. Mr. Kidman name dropped Sam Hunt (I think) and Gary Levox, the lead singer of Rascal Flatts. I had to look that one up. One reason I watch Idol is to get up to speed on who the hot performers are nowadays since I don't get out much any more. Jaws tried to get Keith to say something negative and then claimed that she learns so much from his comments, like how to say something negative without getting the audience to boo him.

The leader in the sob story division, the stuttering Lazaro Arbos, sang a Mary J. Blige song ala Martin Fry. This time you can look it up. It was corny, it was cheezy, but it was in tune and not karaoke and the tweeners ate it up. Glitter Girl talked about his overcoming adversity again but then actually said something critical about how the song was too low of a register for him. The audience rewarded Mariah by booing her.

The sole remaining worship leader among the million or so who auditioned is Curtis Finch, Jr., who preferred to be referred to as CJ until he heard how Trained Seal says his full name. Curtis cleansed Mr. Kidman of his sins last week, and this week Curtis turned it up a notch and cleansed everyone with his rendition of R. Kelly's "I Believe I Can Fly". Normally I would trash anyone for picking that song but not this time because he really sang it well. Best vocal of the night. He was in tears, the audience was in tears, the judges were in tears, even I was in tears, though the wine might have something to do it. All of the judges gave Curtis a standing ovation and evoked a higher power when commenting on his performance. Jaws wants Curtis to go out and save the world with his singing because "people are hurting." Glitter Girl was feeling depressed up until now but felt cleansed by Curtis' good energy. I have to admit, I felt uplifted myself.

Devin Valez impressed the judges last week with his Español verse, so this week he sang half of his song in Spanish, including the big note at the end. It must have been hard to follow Curtis but he did well for himself even though the song was boring. His voice had good tone and he had a nice range tonight, just like he did last week. Jaws tried to give her critique in a Spanish accent but gave up after she ran out of Spanish words that she knows. Sole Survivor dropped 2 YOs and claimed that he never talked about tone on Idol until he was inspired by Devin to do so now.

Tonight's closer was Vincent Powell, who is still trying to figure out the comments from Jaws last week about cougars throwing their panties at him. I would suggest that he talk to Taylor Hicks about that. I imagine though that not even Taylor could help figure out why Zoanette called him Papa Smurf last week. Sadly this week Vincent didn't inspire any such loopy comments. Instead we heard a lot of high pitch screeching that didn't impress the judges or me, though Zoanette was still on her feet for him and Mr. Kidman thought he had a few "undeniable moments of brilliance."

Farewell Vegas, it's back to Hollywood for the rest of the season. Hopefully the mic has made it there from its nationwide tour.

Things We Learned Tonight: Charles Barkley has large drawers. Joy Behar has been on The View for 17 years. Sole Survivor has ears that are shaped slightly different and thinks that he never mentions tone on this show. Glitter Girl needs some good energy and doesn't like to delve into her Beauty School bag. Mr. Kidman thinks real artists ignore critiques that don't pertain to them. Jaws knows about 4 words in Spanish, thinks "Iris" is one of the greatest songs of all time, thinks Mr. Kidman's comments are educational, would buy blankets with Elijah Liu's face on it, and her favorite color is pink. Well perhaps we already knew the last one. Trained Seal follows Carrie Underwood and has a future as a psychotherapist if this hosting thing doesn't work out for him.

Your Three Stars of the Night: Curtis Finch, Jr. brought out the tears and the goosebumps and was the best of the live shows so far. Burnell Taylor wasn't too far behind vocally, though his Urkel look just isn't working for me. Devin Valez sang well in two different languages.

The Final Score: 8 ballads, 0 short skirts, 6 big notes, 4 YOs from Sole Survivor, 2 mention of former Idol winners, 6 name drops (2 each by Mr. Kidman and Jaws, plus 1 each from Sole Survivor and Glitter Girl), 1 negative comment from Glitter Girl (her first in the Vegas shows), 2 K-word mentions, 1 therapy session, 2 Nigel Lythgoe mentions, 1 Urkel mention, 3 crying judges, 1 obscure 80's singer reference, and finally 1 goosebump performance.

The Fearless Prediction: If Curtis Finch, Jr. doesn't go through after tonight's performance then this will be my last recap done while sober. Burnell Taylor deserves to go through so we can see Glitter Girl cry some more. Devin Valez has the Hispanic vote. Lazaro Arbos is the leader in the sob story division and gets the most screeches from the tweeners in the audience so he should be through too. Cortez Shaw is competent but boring so he's likely a goner. Vincent Powell is the third best Brother on the show so I suspect he's a goner too despite his solid performance last week. Elijah Liu has a shot of staying because his fake bad boy persona is bound to impress some of the tweeners, but I suspect he'll scare off the cougars who like their teenagers to have good guy acts. That leaves the three WGs, Charlie Askew, Paul Jolley, and Nick Boddington. After last week I would have picked Paul to go through based solely on him being a WG, but since he didn't play a guitar this week I've changed my mind and now think he's a goner. Charlie's performance tonight should send him home, but his post-performance sobbing is bound to earn him a lot of sympathy votes and help him overtake Nick and stay on for the summer tour.

My Predictions:
In: Curtis, Burnell, Devin, Lazaro, and Charlie.
Out: Cortez, Vincent, Elijah, Paul, and Nick.

OK, let's flip on the DVR and see how bad my predictions are....

1)  Paul Jolley is in. If he knows how to play a guitar then you're looking at the next American Idol.
2)  Burnell Taylor, the Louisiana boy, is in. Jaws is much more excited about this than she was for Paul. Glitter Girl is crying again.
3)  Curtis Finch, Jr. is in. Praise the Lord. Curtis seems genuinely shocked. I'm not.
4)  Devin Valez is in. Dios mio. Mamacita came on stage to give her boy a big hug.
5)  Lazaro Arbos is in. The sob story of the season continues.

OK, 4 out of 5. I'll take that. Charlie's tears kept me from batting 1.000 but .800 will get me in the Hall of Fame if I can keep this up for the rest of the season. I have a feeling though that Paul Jolley will not help my average at all.

Time for the ladies:

6)  Janelle Arthur is in. The third time trying out is the charm for her. Not so much for me. I just hope she doesn't do an Elvis song again.
7)  Candice Glover is in. OK, I feel better now. I'm looking forward to hearing more from her and Curtis, and judging from Curtis' reaction he's feeling much the same.
8)  Angie Miller is in. OK, Nigel Lythgoe feels better now. Trained Seal thought the judges saw this coming. Even I saw this coming.
9)  Amber Holcomb is in. I can't complain.
10)  Kree Harrison is in. Nigel's chicks are both in, he's batting 1.000. I had a moment of doubt when Janelle was announced, but I should have known better.

8 out of 10, not bad if I do say so myself. I will miss Aubrey's legs, Adriana's smile, and of course Zoanette.

OK America, place your bets.