The Moment You Think You're Mariah Carey, Then Everything Goes Down

My apologizes for being late yet again. I came in late last night and I was too tired to stay up until 3 AM to type up the write up so I'm taking this on tonight before fast forwarding through the results show that's about to air.

The theme was once again The Beatles, the annual Idol tradition for the benefit of Michael Jackson's estate, or whoever now owns the song rights to Beatles songs now that Mr. Jackson has passed on. Jaws was present in a short yellow dress and on time this week, perhaps surprising since she threatened to quite the show last week since Curtis got voted off and one of the other judges didn't want to use The Save on a dude.

Before there was singing there was some business to take care of. Trained Seal brought out Charlie Askew and Aubrey Cleland and announced that America had decided that Aubrey and her short, tight dresses would be joining the summer Idol tour and we had to say a final goodbye to poor Charlie, at least until the finale. Ryan also announced yet another Coca-Cola sponsored contest, this time involving tweener fave Carly Rae Jepsen, who will be performing in the finale with a song and special effects that you, yes you, can vote for on the Idol web site. Maybe you can vote for her to sing a duet with Charlie!

The first performer was Nigel fave Kree Harrison, who I'd guess was put in the death spot because Nigel thinks she'll be safe. We were reminded of her sob story about her parents dying when she was a teenager. She sang "With a Little Help from My Friends" in the Joe Cocker arrangement rather than the Ringo Starr one. Good thing too because as good as singer as Kree is she can't compete with Ringo. She was in fine voice again tonight; she actually managed to overcome another Idol tradition of being drowned out by the 8 backup singers lined up behind her. Mr. Kidman thought that Kree represented "all the cool things about country." Jaws admired the "Kreedom" spin Kree put on the vocal. Both Sole Survivor and Glitter Girl tried to scare everyone by starting their critique as if they would be critical only to instead be complimentary. Trained Seal admired Kree's pumps and thought that Mariah's acting was so good that should be in a movie (umm, she was, hence the nickname. C'mon Ryan, pay attention here).

We next met Burnell Taylor's big family in NOLA, who talked about how he used to pay his sister at 3 bucks a pop to record him singing. There was no mention of Katrina. He chose "Let It Be", which sounded like a great idea to Andy Cap until Burnell revealed that he had never heard the song before. This would turn out to be a common theme the rest of the night. The Urkel glasses were back as was the hand waiving; For me, I didn't like it. His pitch was all over the place and the big notes were more like big screeches. I will though give him props for remembering all the words of a song he had never heard until 4 days before he sang it. Jaws wanted to do the "church stomp" and loved how he caressed the song like a newborn baby. A crying newborn if you ask me. Sole Survivor dropped his first 2 YOs of the night. Mr. Kidman also got the spiritual vibe. Trained Seal got Burnell to admit that he listened to the song "a lot" so that he wouldn't embarrass himself on live TV.

Amber Holcomb told us that people in her tiny town in Texas walk around barefoot. Her dad was featured in the video and said that all he wanted Amber to do was win. Yeah, no pressure there. She sang "She's Leaving Home" and she too admitted that she had never heard the song before. At the time I didn't think I had ever heard it before either but then I checked my iTunes music library and there it was. It was in Sgt. Pepper. Amber's first verse sounded like she had never heard the song before, it was very shaky. The fog machine on overdrive probably didn't help her nerves, as she was probably afraid that she would walk into one of the violinists that were on stage with her. Amber was more sturdy when she got to the big notes. It wasn't one of her best performances but it wasn't a train wreck. Sole Survivor agreed with me after dropping 3 YOs. Glitter Girl admitted that she had never heard the song before either and thus claimed that she could relate to what Amber was going through. Mr. Kidman claimed it was his absolute favorite Beatles song, another thing that would become a common theme the rest of the night; Jaws drew snickers (not boos, snickers) from the crowd by asking Amber where the light color lipstick was. She also broke the first kayfabe bubble of the season when she advised Amber to "toughen up and get through it" when Nigel picks a song for her that she had never heard before.

Nigel added to Lazaro Arbos' sob story by interviewing Lazaro's parents who are Cuban refugees. He chose, or was told to chose, "My Life", and right away Andy Cap saw danger ahead. He urged Lazaro to be romantic with the song and pushed him to sing the song in rhythm, but was afraid to push too much for fear that Jaws would get mad at him for being too critical. Sure enough, Lazaro's performance was very unromantic and the rhythm was all over the place. Rather than caress it like a newborn baby he rushed through it like he was in a hurry to leave. He also sang it in some odd low register, which the judges all jumped on as an excuse for why he sang it so badly. Glitter Girl avoided saying anything critical and instead complimented Lazaro on his courage and perseverance again. Jaws was visibly upset and ordered Lazaro to stop listening to Jimmy. Sole Survivor wondered "where did the vocals go?" During his post-performance therapy session with Trained Seal Lazaro claimed that he had just learned the song "last night", even though Ryan had already revealed that the contestants were given the songs 4 days ago. After the break Trained Seal tried to exercise some damage control by getting all the judges to confirm that Andy Cap is very intimidating and that would explain why Lazaro sang so badly.

Candice Glover's dad's boss is excited to know the proud papa because his eldest daughter is on Idol. Both Candice and Andy Cap agreed that John Lennon's lyrics for "Come Together" are too esoteric and weird to understand. Candice rocked it out anyway. I have no idea if Candice had ever heard this song before but she sang it as if she did, with lots of rock and roll attitude. Another great performance, best of the night yet again. Mr. Kidman loved the new rock chick sound. Jaws tried really, really hard to say something critical about Candice and finally came up with something about how she doesn't show enough attitude in her face. I get the feeling that Candice is not one of Nicki's favorites. Sole Survivor didn't care what Candice's face looked like and was happy that someone didn't sing a ballad. He then name dropped Tina Turner, Mariah Carey, and Whitney Houston as three chicks with big voices who could also sing up tempo songs. Tina Turner I would agree with, the others not so much. After Glitter Girl rambled on about some stuff Trained Seal wanted Jaws to demonstrate some attitude faces. Randy instead challenged Ryan to do some, which he tried to beg off from doing because guys that are 5'-8 1/2" tall can't do attitude faces. Just before the break Trained Seal proved it by trying to do an attitude face and failing miserably.

Paul Jolley is a perfectionist who grew up in a trailer in rural Tennessee. Andy Cap, who Paul owes his career to since Jimmy was the one who put him through during Vegas week, admired how Paul was picking up the difference between singing and screaming. The fog machine was turned back on for Paul's performance of "Eleanor Rigby", a haunting rendition that looked and sounded like something out of Phantom. It would have been perfect if Paul had come out wearing half a face mask. He hit a few good big notes but the rest of the "singing" was really pitchy. Jaws admired Paul's skinny pants and then slammed him Captain Jack style for being boring, safe, and predictable. Sole Survivor felt that Paul was disconnected from the song and like Jaws got booed for being correct. Glitter Girl danced around the truth Drunk Chick style and then suggested that Paul sing an up tempo dance song like what Paula used to do, or as Mariah still does. Mr. Kidman liked the idea of a pop-rock song for Paul and claimed that "Eleanor Rigby" is another of his favorite Beatles songs. Trained Seal name dropped Taylor Swift and Carrie Underwood to get Paul back into the country thing. Ryan also got Paul to honestly admit that he couldn't in good conscience country up a Beatles song.

During the First Coca-Cola Treatment of the night Angie Miller revealed that she was voted "most likely to be on American Idol" by her high school senior classmates. We also saw that some guy named Kyle O'Connor also got that award because Nigel forgot to blur out his name in Angie's photo. Angie also claimed that she wasn't popular in her small town 30 minutes outside of Boston. I wasn't aware that there were small towns that close to Boston. Andy Cap thought Angie had a tendency to over-sing and just perform and urged her to not sing with as much pretend emotion, because you know this is not Les Miz. So naturally Angie over-sang and performed "Yesterday" with lots of pretend emotion as if she were in Les Miz.  Naturally the judges lauded her for not over-singing because she's Nigel's favorite. I have to admit, she does have a nice voice. She is annoying as hell but I can't find fault with her voice. Sole Survivor dropped 2 YOs and name dropped Hayley Williams from Paramore and "that girl from Evanescence", much to Angie's delight. Glitter Girl thought that Angie's modified arrangement was still respectful to the original, and admitted that she herself is afraid to do cover songs because people might complain that she modified the arrangement. Mr. Kidman liked this song too and was afraid that Angie was still thinking too much, but didn't get booed. Jaws uttered a word that got beeped by the Fox censors and told Angie that she could do Disney songs or perform on Broadway. For once I agree with Nicki. Trained Seal confused Angie by talking about her hair style.

It was back to back Coca Cola Treatments as Devin Velez got Treatment #2, where he revealed that he attended a military high school in Chicago. Devin also pointed out how there are so many contestants this year who claim to be from a small town. In another admission on honesty he commented that he can't think too highly of himself since "the moment you think you're Mariah Carey then everything goes down." He did stop short of saying that Nigel picked his song, "The Long and Winding Road". Andy Cap propped him up by name dropping Brian McKnight and Stevie Wonder. Unlike the last singer who claimed that she should sing in control and then not do it, Devin actually did it. The tone was good, the pitch was spot on, and it was much better than his performance last week that landed him in the Bottom 2. Glitter Girl claimed that she was left speechless but then rambled on for 10 minutes about how it would be a travesty if he were sent home after this performance. She didn't threaten to quit if he was. Mr. Kidman claimed that this song was another of his favorite Beatles songs. Jaws gave a shout out to the background singers, got bleeped by the Fox sensor again for giving a shout out to a male body part, and then bragged that Fox couldn't bleep her shout out to the pianist. Sole Survivor waved to the heavens hoping to deflect the lightning bolt that was about to come down on Nicki. After being relieved that he survived yet another man made disaster, Randy dropped 2 YOs and told Devin that he thought his swagger was back. Glitter Girl had a look that just screamed "I told you so!" when Jaws was getting bleeped. Trained Seal must have seen that since he later asked Mariah if she had any shout outs to make. "Whatever do you mean" was her coy reply, before she gave a shout out to all her "lambs" out there and to Mr. Kidman's tattoo.

Tonight's closer was small town girl Janelle Arthur, who surprised me by not being in the Bottom 3 last week despite being the lowest ranked chick. She sang "I Will", a Beatles song that not only have I never heard before but also one that I don't have a copy of. She continued to remind me of Kellie Pickler by talking to Andy Cap about practicing breathing because otherwise "you'll run out of air." As it turned out, she sang this song pretty darn well with a pretty darn good tone and pitch. I think this it is the first time I've said anything favorable about her singing. Mr. Kidman admitted that this song was not one of his favorite Beatles songs but still liked the fact that Janelle rocked the song with her dress and cowboy boots, metaphorically speaking. Jaws wanted to renew her vows with the "swan goddess" and 57% of Tweeters agreed. Sole Survivor dropped his last YO of the night and admired her "nice thing with her head and chest voice." Glitter Girl admired how Janelle wasn't listening to any of the judges.

Things We Learned Tonight (or Last Night): Carly Rae Jepsen will be appearing in the finale. There are apparently small towns in the suburbs of Boston. Too many kids today have never heard a Beatles song. There are Beatles songs that I have never heard before either. Mr. Kidman has a lot of favorite Beatles songs. Glitter Girl is afraid of doing cover songs because people will complain. Jaws likes to do the church stomp, knows how to say "nervous" in Spanish, and has declared war on both Jimmy Iovine and Fox's censor. Trained Seal is 5'-8 1/2" tall, forgot that Glitter Girl was in a movie, and can't do attitude faces because he's short. Andy Cap thinks everyone in the world has heard "Let It Be", thinks John Lennon could have used some psychotherapy, and is afraid of Nicki. All of the other judges are afraid of Jimmy. And yes, Nigel is indeed picking the contestant's songs.

Your Three Stars of the Night: Hands down Candice Glover is the best performer in this competition, but I'm still not sure that she has a chance to win this thing given what has happened the last several years on this show. I agree with Glitter Girl, it would be shame if Devin Valez was sent home after his performance this week. I'm starting to warm up to Janelle Arthur, though she has no shot of winning as long as Nigel's favorite Kree is still around. I'm still working on getting warmed up to Angie Miller.

Idol Gives Back: At first I was surprised that Curtis got voted off last week because of how well he sang two weeks ago and because he's a dude. Then I was reminded that Curtis picked on little Charlie Askew during Hollywood Week and had a criminal record (he got busted for stealing a computer). Then it all made sense. Curtis is not the first finalist to be bounced off the show once his criminal past was exposed. I had Devin correctly in the bottom 3 but Burnell instead of Paul since I thought more tweeners would support Paul than Burnell. I've learned my lesson. I think.

The Final Score: 7 ballads; 7 big notes, though not all the same songs; 3 short skirts, thanks to Aubrey; 10 YOs from Sole Survivor; 5 Nigel Lythgoe mentions; 2 mentions of former Idol judges; 1 mention of a former Idol winner; 1 mention of a former Idol contestant; 1 kayfabe bubble burst; 8 name drops: 5 from Sole Survivor, 2 from Andy Cap, and 1 from Trained Seal; 2 yellow outfits; 1 hurricane mention; 2 mentions of Broadway musicals; at least 3 singers who sang songs that they had never heard until 4 days ago; and yet another Idol contest. Honestly, I've lost count on how many contests there are this season.

The Fearless Prediction: I suspect Paul Jolley is in danger of being eliminated. The tweener and cougar votes appear to be going to Lazaro and without that bloc Paul has no chance of winning, especially since the other dudes are better singers than him. We could see Amber in the Bottom 3 this week instead of Janelle because her performance was not as good and because she was in the middle of the pack last week and thus may not get many sympathy votes. If Idol were a singing competition then Lazaro would be in the Bottom 3 too but because it's not I believe it'll be Devin there yet again. However, my prediction is that it'll be Paul instead of Devin who will be sent back to his small town.