Small Town Girls

We've finally reached the voting rounds, when "the most discerning critics of all" (Trained Seal) get to weigh in on the contestants. I guess if you consider "discerning" to include who is the best looking, who is potential fantasy date material, and who the cougars would like their tweener daughters to bring home for dinner, then Ryan could not have been more spot on.

Trained Seal also mentioned in his intro that it has become a "tradition" to have viewers vote on the contestants, which sounded rather odd to me. Captain Jack, who loved everything that was "current" must be turning over in his grave even though he's not dead. It occurred to me that there are 3 fewer voting rounds this year compared to previous seasons. The semi-finals that usually featured 2 voting rounds to get from 20 to 12 now only has one, and instead of a Top 12 going into the finals instead Idol is jumping straight to the Top 10. So much for tradition. I guess that means that the cougars, the tweeners, and the Vote for the Worst fans will get only 1 chance to decide on who goes on the summer tour.

The opening playful banter between the judges and Trained Seal featured Mr. Kidman bragging about how they are offering the voters diversity, Sole Survivor bragging about how it's a chick's year this year (hmm, when have we heard that before?), and Glitter Girl rambling on about how Idol has been "this amazing vehicle" for developing talent, which sounds fine except that she was asked to compare the contestants' experience breaking into the music business with her own. I'm finding it more and more difficult to write down what Glitter Girl is saying because she just goes all over the place with her comments, kind of like what Drunk Chick used to do but not nearly in as entertaining a way as Paula was.

Oh how do I miss Paula...

Speaking of wacky, kooky chicks, first up tonight was Zoanette Johnson, who was singing for all of the kooky people in the world. Her comments, not mine. She took on Tina Turner's "What's Love Got to Do With It" with all the flamboyance that we've come to expect, and in some cases love, from Ms. Johnson. At least it wasn't a ballad; she gets bonus points for being the only performer not to sing a ballad tonight. The vocal was just OK, not awful but not stellar. After praising this chick for weeks the judges turned on poor Zoanette tonight, even though this performance wasn't much different from all her other ones. Perhaps they were trying to influence the vote. Mr. Kidman didn't like the song choice but praised her "exhibitionism." No, Zoanette didn't strip naked thank goodness, though she was wearing a short skirt. Jaws flat out told her "that wasn't it" and got booed. Sole Survivor dropped 5 YOs on Zoanette and praised her for being the spiritual leader of the locker room and then declared her performance tonight to be a mess. Glitter Girl talked about Zoanette's "struggles" and her energy but didn't want to talk about the performance tonight. Trained Seal admired Zoanette's wig.

Next was Breanna Steer, the small town girl from Louisiana who sang about busting some dude's car windows last week. Tonight she sang about train wrecks. She missed a couple of notes here and there but was otherwise OK, albeit boring. Mr. Kidman urged her not to be another Beyonce'. Honestly, he could say the same thing to every other contestant except for the 2 country chicks and Zoanette. Jaws dissed both Mr. Kidman and Breanna's performance. Sole Survivor was still searching for the big moments. Glitter Girl just rambled on about various things. Trained Seal, as he has done to at least one contestant every season, pushed Breanna to name the person she was thinking about as she was singing the song. The most she would reveal was that the person was "sort of" in the audience.

Eye candy Aubrey Cleland was the first of two contestants to be given the Coca-Cola treatment tonight. In her intro she talked about being from a small town in Oregon and how she was inspired by Kelly Clarkson to try out for the show. She wore another tight fitting dress tonight, too bad the voters who would have cared about this haven't watched Idol in years. She sang the one Fergie song that I've actually heard before. It was safe, boring, and flat but on pitch. I guess so anyway since I wasn't paying much attention to her voice. Mr. Kidman thought that the melody was too restrictive, kind of like her dress. Jaws loved Aubrey's humility since she doesn't act like she's attractive, and then criticized her for holding the mic too close to her mouth. Sole Survivor named dropped Rihanna. Glitter Girl thought Aubrey had multi-platinum potential.

Country chick Janelle Arthur thought the reason she was the last one sent through last week was because the judges were hard on her for her song choice. So naturally she picked an Elvis song to sing this week, "If I Could Dream". She sang the song as a slow country ballad which was fine for what is was, but to me that was the last song in the world outside of a Metallica song that you want to sing as a slow country ballad. Elvis sold that song with more passion than Jaws in heat but there was no passion in the way Janelle sang it. So of course the judges loved it. Mr. Kidman dropped 4 "loves" on Janelle, followed by a YO from Sole Survivor. Jaws called her a marshmallow and wanted to eat her. Sole Survivor also named dropped Patsy Kline to go with the YO. Glitter Girl thought Janelle was America's Sweetheart. Trained Seal got all punny by asking America to vote for Janelle "if you want s'more" of her. Ryan then tried to excuse it by claiming he was "born with this much cheese."

Between singers Trained Seal and Sole Survivor talked about going to the buffet after the show. So that they could avoid the long lines and the outrageous prices Sigfried and Roy instead sent a plate of crab legs to the judges table. Jaws was not at all interested in eating one.

Teena Torres, apparently the only chick tonight not from a small town (unless you consider Queens to be a small town), complained that Jaws' comments last week were focused on her hair instead of on her singing. Tonight she tried to avoid that by doing lots of crowd pleasing shouting of a Faith Hill song instead of singing. Her hair looked good though. Mr. Kidman thought she sang it like a cabaret singer when the camera was close up on her but was more emotional when the camera was far away. Keith is getting really good at cloaking his criticisms to avoid getting booed. Jaws loved Teena's hair and her boobs, then criticized Sole Survivor for being a goody too-shoes because he was surprised that she said the word "boobs" on live TV. Nicki also liked Teena's "fullness", as did Glitter Girl, which of course Trained Seal felt compelled to comment on since he's still under orders to promote the feud between the chick judges.

Angela Miller now wants to be referred to as Angie to distinguish her from the chick who sang the original song during Hollywood Week. Angie was back at the piano tonight to sing a Colton Dixon song, yes the same Colton Dixon that was one of last season's early voting round eliminations. It might as well have been another original song. Angie sang it like Angela did during Hollywood Week, the best performance of the night so far. I find her rather annoying but I can't complain about her singing. Mr. Kidman asked if he could call her Angie. Jaws hears trumpets whenever Angie walks into the room and urged Nigel to sign her to a record deal right now. Sole Survivor dropped 2 YOs and declared that a star was born. Only Glitter Girl brought up Angela's Hollywood Week performance, though she thought this one was as good. Trained Seal told Angie that Colton was watching but didn't tell her what he thought about his song getting stolen. It reminded me of what Otis Redding said when he heard Aretha Franklin's version of "Respect", "that girl done stole my song!"

Trained Seal used Amber Holcomb's Coca-Cola Treatment to remind her mom that she slugged him during Amber's audition, though Nigel or someone off camera apparently told Ryan that it was Amber's stepmom who did that. Oh, the joys of live television. Amber is another small town girl who claimed that she was more than just some legs, so of course she wore another short skirt tonight. Tonight she was the first contestant to take on a Whitney song, and there were some notes that she sang that were really good. There were others though that were just OK. Still, not bad overall. Mr. Kidman thought it was a great song choice, which you don't often hear Idol judges say whenever someone tries a Whitney song, but then he's new to this gig. Jaws wanted to call her "Ber" and was so impressed that she started making up numbers. Sole Survivor thought Amber was "in it to win it" and bragged about how Amber took his advice from last week to be more confident.

Kree Harrison thought that everyone on Idol was amazing, even the band and her vocal coaches. Just wait until she meets Andy Cap. She too did a country song, Faith Hill I believe, and it was pretty decent. Much better than Janelle's country song. Mr. Kidman channeled his inner Paula and told Kree "the first two words of Idol are 'I do' and I do love to hear you sing." This guy has potential. Keith then name dropped Trisha Yearwood, Faith Hill, Carrie Underwood, Martina McBride, and Patsy Kline, all in one breath. Dolly Parton must have shouted "hey what about me?" at her TV set after that. Jaws tried to one up the name dropper by revealing that she was Kree's wife and that Kree in her jeans and loose fitting blouse was even sexier than last week when she also wore jeans and a loose fitting blouse. Kree wanted "to do my wife proud." Glitter Girl made a back handed criticism of Nicki by saying that she couldn't top those comments because she was married. Trained Seal offered to take Jaws and Kree to the drive-thru wedding chapel.

The youngest chick in the competition is Adriana Latonio, the Pinay from a small town in Alaska. She dedicated her song tonight to all the people of Alaska who she wants to flood the phone lines and the Idol iPhone app to vote for her. She wore a nice looking dress tonight, black with a wavy dark red feature down the front and a modest (i.e. below the knee) hem line. She started the song low and ended with some big notes. I thought it was pretty good actually, so of course the judges trashed it. Mr. Kidman gave a shout out to Anchorage and felt nervous about the song choice. Jaws thought the song was too big and too pageanty for Adriana and got booed. Nicki threatened to keep talking if the audience kept booing, which shut the audience right up. Jaws also flat out told Adriana that she should start practicing and come back next year. Sole Survivor also thought it was pageanty and complained about the ballads again. Glitter Girl teased Randy for holding back on his emotions, teased Jaws by claiming that she didn't know what Nicki means when she says that a song is too big for someone, and then finally got around to telling Adriana that she thought the performance was too produced.

Tonight's closer was Candice Glover from the small town island in South Carolina. Like all the other performers except for Zoanette Candice sang a ballad, though it was a little more up tempo than the others. Also unlike the others she brought a little bit of 'tude to the vocal. A very solid performance that got 3 SOs from the judges. It reminded me of how Melinda Doolittle from Season 6 sang. Melinda was my favorite contestant that year and I have a feeling that Candice will be my favorite this season, provided that she survives this vote. Mr. Kidman thought Candice was an old soul that was also current. Jaws just saluted. Maybe it was because the show was running out of time, but I sensed there was something more to it than that. Sole Survivor gave her 2 YOs and thought he learned how to sing from listening to Candice perform. I think he said something similar to Melinda too. Glitter Girl thanked Candice for sharing.

Trained Seal declared tonight's show one of the most talented ever and said good night at 10:01.

Things We Learned Tonight: Amazon has its own clothing line. Mars' red surface is because it's made of iron oxide. Sole Survivor is still searching for the big moments and is still annoyed by all the ballads. Glitter Girl doesn't know what it means when a song is too big for someone, thinks Sole Survivor is holding back emotionally, and is Idol's best rambler since Paula Abdul. Mr. Kidman is a master of the subliminal criticisms. Jaws is married to Kree Harrison and wants to eat another contestant but is not interested in eating crab legs. Trained Seal was born with a lot of cheese and will do whatever it takes.

Your Three Stars of the Night: Candice Glover received the only standing ovations from the judges and they were well deserved. Angie Miller allowed us to forget about Angela Miller's Hollywood Week performance. I thought Adriana Lotorio's performance was much better than what the judges thought, so I'll give her the nod over Amber Holcomb and Kree Harrison.

The Final Score (Vegas Semi-Final Edition): 9 ballads (only Zoanette didn't sing one); 8 big notes; 6 short skirts; 6 small town chicks; 10 YOs from Sole Survivor; 2 mentions of former Idol winners; 2 mentions of former Idol contestants; 3 mentions of former Idol judges; 2 Nigel Lythgoe references; 7 name drops by Mr. Kidman, 2 by Sole Survivor, and 1 by Jaws; 10 rambling critiques from Glitter Girl; and 2 soul legends mentioned in a recap of American Idol even though it wasn't a soul theme night. Go figure.

The Fearless Prediction: OK, this is not going to be easy, not only because I haven't done this in almost 3 years but also because I have to predict 5 losers instead of just a bottom 3. The only 2 sure things that I can predict going through are Angie Miller and Kree Harrison, especially since these two appear to be Nigel's favorites. Based on her singing ability alone Candice Glover should be a sure thing but since even Sole Survivor knows that Idol is not a singing competition I can't say she is a sure thing. I will say yes to her anyway just because I like her. I suspect that the country votes will gravitate towards Kree so Janelle Arthur is likely a goner. Breanna Steer and Teena Torres are both rather boring, though competent singers, so I suspect that they will be leaving also. Aubrey Cleland is by far the most attractive contestant so that likely means that she will be going home. Adriana Latonio has the traditionally strong Pinay fan base behind her, not to mention an entire state, so she should move on even though the judges trashed her tonight. That leaves Amber Holcomb and Zoanette Johnson. Amber is by far the better singer and the more traditional Idol contestant, but I have no doubt that Zoanette will get a lot of votes from the sympathetic and the sarcastic. In the end though I don't think that Zoanette appeals to the cougars and tweeners enough to convince them to power vote for her, so I think Amber will go through and Zoanette will be the last one sent home Thursday night. It would be fun if she stayed though.

Predictions for staying: Angie, Kree, Candice, Adriana, & Amber.
Predictions for leaving: Janelle, Breanna, Teena, (sadly) Aubrey, (even more sadly) Zoanette.

I'll be posting the recap of the dudes show on Thursday as the Judge has another obligation to attend to tomorrow. Sometimes I just love to refer to myself in the third person...