It's Not Les Miz!

One thing that I love about the finals, and yes my darling these are the finals, is that I only need to stay up late one night a week instead of two since I don't recap the results shows. I tried doing that one season but it just proved to be too difficult to stay awake, not just the next morning but also during the show.

Habemus Papem everyone! Latin for "we have a winner!" Trained Seal should try something similar at the Idol finale this season: Habemus Idolum!"

In lieu of Trained Seal spewing out cliches to pimp up the show and the contestants the opening tonight was a video of each contestant spewing out cliches about how wonderful it is to be in the Top 10. It might have sounded more interesting if it had been in Latin.

Jaws was late to the studio tonight; Trained Seal claimed she was stuck in traffic on the 405, though Sole Survivor thought it might be the 101 instead. Would you like a little inside baseball in honor of spring training starting? The closest freeway to the studio where Idol is taped is neither the 405 nor the 101 but rather the 10. There, now you know enough to be an Idol judge, but only if you say your prayers and eat your vitamins.

First up was Curtis Finch, Jr., who wants to be the next Luther. Andy Cap warned Curtis instead to "not get yourself too caught up in the past." Too late for that I think. Curtis sang Fantasia's finale song "I Believe", an obvious song choice I suppose given Curtis' day job as a worship leader. No one was cleansed of their sins this week though. His singing was shaky at the start but picked up a bit at the end when the 8, count 'em, 8 back up singers appeared behind him. Mr. Kidman loved the song choice though, as well as Curtis' red jacket that had a pattern that reminded me of a carpet that was in my parents' house until the puppy ruined it. Sole Survivor dropped a YO and suggested that Curtis try to sing something different next time. Glitter Girl suggested that Curtis ignore Sole Survivor's advice.

Just before the break Nigel crept up behind the judges and signalled to Trained Seal to come backstage and retrieve Jaws, who had finally showed up from whatever freeway she was driving on.

During her Coca-Cola Treatment Janelle Arthur talked about meeting Jagger Lite and that guy from Rascal Flatts at the hotel she is staying at. How can we miss Steven Tyler if he never stays away from the show? Now that I think about it no one has name dropped J-Lo even once so far this season. Andy Cap advised Janelle to separate herself from all the other blonde female country artists that are out there. I'm assuming he was referring to Carrie Underwood but I'm beginning to think that Janelle is the second coming of Kellie Pickler instead. She sang "Gone" like Scotty McCreery did 2 years ago. I knew this because the word "GONE" was posted in big letters on the jumbotron behind the stage. She sang a spirited vocal, the only one tonight that wasn't a ballad, but it was just OK for me. Mr. Kidman name dropped a couple of country singers. Jaws looked like she was hung over with her hoodie and big sunglasses, but still got booed because she told Janelle that she wanted her to sing something prettier. Sole Survivor dropped a YO and thought everyone was gone. He got booed too. Glitter Girl admired Janelle's aura. Must be that beauty school training that she had. Trained Seal talked to Janelle afterwards about cotton mouths.

Devin Valez admires Andy Cap because he once worked with Madonna. Funny that Jimmy's bio doesn't mention that. Devin told Jimmy that he doesn't want to do a ballad every week, so naturally he sang a ballad tonight, "Temporary Home", previously sung by Carrie Underwood. It was well sung though, nice and controlled but a bit boring. Mr. Kidman hated the song choice and got booed by the audience and the evil eye from Jaws, who then praised Devin for mixing it up by not singing a lyric in Spanish. Sole Survivor thought it was too safe. Glitter Girl didn't like the song choice either but was afraid to say so.

Angie Miller bragged about how much Andy Cap likes her, only for Jimmy to tell her that he thinks of beauty pageants whenever he sees Angie sing. She can't understand why but I would bet her dentist does. She sang the first Kelly Clarkson cover of the night, "I Surrender", and like a pageant contestant she sang it with a short skirt and a big smile. The performance was alright, technically good and all, but honestly the song was too big for her. Angie doesn't have the pipes that Kelly Clarkson has and it was painfully obvious tonight, to everyone that is except the judges who fawned all over her yet again. Sole Survivor dropped 3 YOs and the other judges reacted likewise, using words like "perfection", "amazing", "stellar", and "I surrender."

After Trained Seal pimped the web site we heard Andy Cap compare Paul Jolley to a Broadway singer because he oversings his songs. "It's not Les Miz" he tells the WG. Apparently Nigel has gotten to Jimmy and asked him to compensate for putting Paul through by now trashing him. Paul tried another Scotty cover, "Amazed" since he's still trying to convince us that he is a country singer. Dude, I'm telling you, forget the country and go find a guitar instead. Tonight Paul was flat and actually not theatrical enough. The judges all praised him for listening to their advice. Jaws revealed that she was "finally" sexually stimulated by Paul.

Trained Seal Coca-Cola'd Candace Glover into talking about her family, who flew out from South Carolina on their first ever plane trip to see her sing. She sang "I, Who Have Nothing", the song that Trained Seal claimed Jordin Sparks won Season 6 by singing. Personally I still remember her performance of "You Never Walk Alone" as being the one that won her that season. I also remember Sole Survivor asking Jordin how a 16 year old who never had a boyfriend could possibly relate to that song. Candace assured us that she had no such trouble relating to this song, and then proved it by emoting big time during her performance. Wow it was good, not just best of the night but best of the season so far. No question I felt goosebumps this time. Mr. Kidman named dropped Shirley Bassey, who I discovered is originally from Wales. Jaws thought Candace sang it so well that no one should ever sing that song on Idol ever again because it would pale in comparison. Sole Survivor dropped a YO and fist pumped the air. Glitter Girl claimed that she would have given Candace a standing ovation but couldn't because her skirt was too tight to allow her to stand up. This revelation inspired the first "Is Trained Seal Gay" banter of the season when Mariah claimed that Ryan knew how to work a skirt.

Andy Cap revealed to Lazaro Argos that he gets nervous talking to the contestants. Lazaro tried Kelly Clarkson's "Breakaway" and it was flat and dull. He looked good while doing it though in a nice blue jacket. Just like Angie earlier Lazaro just doesn't have a voice that matches up with the power of Kelly's. Mr. Kidman apparently forgot that Lazaro has a stuttering problem, as he asked Lazaro why he picked that song and he took about 5 minutes for Lazaro to get out all of the words in response. Jaws showed off a few more Spanish words that she learned and name dropped Ricky Ricardo. Yes, it's a character name instead of a real person but it still counts. Sole Survivor dropped a YO and got booed for agreeing with me. Glitter Girl once again talked about Lazaro's courage and how much she can relate to his overcoming obstacles. I was hoping at tht moment that Jaws would slap Mariah silly and scream about pity parties again.

Andy Cap thinks Kree Harrison oversings her songs too, though because she's being pushed up and Paul's being pushed down Jimmy didn't harp on this nearly as much. She sang Roy Orbison's "Crying" since Carrie Underwood once did too. No short skirt again, but for the first time on the show she's wearing make-up. It helps a little bit. Kree does have a nice tone to her voice which we heard yet again, though I wasn't too crazy about the song choice. Jaws compared Kree's singing to eating buttermilk waffles with Aunt Jemima syrup.

Burnell Taylor was advised by Andy Cap that his chances of winning will be DOA if he sings nothing but R&B ballads. But what if everybody else does? Burnell of course chose to sing an R&B ballad, "Flying Without Wings" that was covered by Ruben Stoddard. Burnell ditched the Steve Urkel glasses tonight, good thing too since the smoke machine was working on overdrive during his performance and would have fogged up this glasses. He strained to hit the high notes but was otherwise OK. Mr. Kidman channeled his inner Nicki and admired Burnell's eccentric, magnetic "Burnellisms". Jaws name dropped india.arie. Glitter Girl talked about their history as if they were former lovers. Trained Seal strained to make a joke about the Vatican and the smoke machine.

Tonight's closer was Amber Holcomb, who sang Kelly Clarkson's finale song "A Moment Like This." Andy Cap wanted Amber to sing it up tempo, and while she promised the audience that there would be a beat she sang the song like a ballad just like Kelly did. I do have to say though that she sang it well. Of the 3 contestants who sang a Kelly Clarkson song Amber was the only one who could favorably compare with the Original American Idol. The fact that she did this while a fan on steroids was blowing her hair and dress around made it even more remarkable. Jaws forgot about Candace's performance and declared this one this best of the night, then name dropped Whitney and begged Amber to buy some pink lipstick instead of the bright red lipstick that she's been wearing. There was 1 final YO from Sole Survivor, in between his laughing of Nicki's critique. Glitter Girl spoke in Twitterese ("#Pow") and bragged about how she too has to deal with singing while a fan is blowing everything around.

Things We Learned Tonight: Shirley Bassey is Welsh. Sole Survivor wonders where everybody went and thinks Jaws is funny. Jaws learned a few more Spanish words, loves to eat buttermilk waffles, has finally been sexually stimulated by all the male contestants, and forgot that the shows are broadcast live and thus cannot be fashionably late any more. Glitter Girl can see auras, wears skirts that are so tight that she can't stand up, and can relate to overcoming obstacles even though she may never have faced any. Andy Cap once worked with Madonna and gets nervous talking to the contestants. Trained Seal has the same swerve as Sole Survivor but doesn't want to talk about how to work a skirt. No one wants to talk about Jennifer Lopez.

Your Three Stars of the Week: Candace Glover blew right past Jordin Sparks and ventured into Shirley Bassey territory, and in the process established herself as the early front runner. Just amazing. Amber Holcomb came the closest to Kelly Clarkson and in the process established herself as a potential dark horse. I have to admit, Kree Harrison really does have a nice voice.

The Final Score: 9 ballads; 9 big notes (only Janelle had neither); 2 short skirts; 7 YOs from Sole Survivor; 2 mention of former Idol judges; 1 mention of a former Idol contestant; 1 Nigel Lythgoe sighting; 7 name drops: 4 by Jaws and 3 by Mr. Kidman; and the final count of former Idol winners was 3 for Kelly Clarkson, 2 each for Scotty McCreery and Carrie Underwood, and 1 on each for Fantasia Barrino, Jordin Sparks, and Ruben Stoddard. Funny how no one chose to sing a Taylor Hicks or Lee Dewyze song. No one took on Phillip Phillips' "Home" either but I'd bet he'll sing it tomorrow night.

The Fearless Prediction: OK, which of the chicks are going home? My guess is that it'll be Janelle that'll at least be in bottom 3, as the other chicks were either a million times better (Candace and Amber) or getting a million times stronger push from Nigel (Angie and Kree). I have a feeling that Devin and Burnell will be joining her. None of the dudes had a standout performance tonight but Curtis should still be getting some after effect love from his performance last week and both Paul and Lazaro are getting too many shrieks from the tweeners to think that they'll be sent home this early. Because I'm still not yet convinced that the tweeners and cougars will allow a chick to win this season I predict that Janelle will be the first recipient of Phillip Phillips' going home song this season, especially since Nigel likely wants to save the judges' save for either Angie or Kree.

Please stay tuned to your local news. Good night everyone!