That Don't Impress Me Much

It is country with a twist this week, as the contestants will be singing country songs from only one artist, though, as Trained Seal points out, it is from “a very special songbook.” So let’s saddle up and ride and see which artist has been hiding their hidden country all this time.

I have to be careful now since my girlfriend is reading this blog. She called it “snarky” and I took it as a compliment. At least I hope it was…

Trained Seal begins the show by pointing out the pre-Idol lives of the remaining 6 contestants. The only one that I did not know about was that Casey James is a construction contractor. That explains why I hate him so much. Ryan then thanks America for donating $47M during the Idol Gives Back love fest. No mention of the departure of Tim Urban, who is probably back home still smiling.

Tonight’s tormentor is Shania Twain, “the biggest crossover artist ever” according to Trained Seal. Did not Elvis sing country songs? The dissing of the King continues. Crystal continues my royal theme by calling Shania “The Queen of Country.” Shania wants the contestants to live and breathe these songs because she wrote them and lived them herself, though her ex Mutt Lange may beg to differ. Shania is a little concerned about the dudes singing her chick songs and is really concerned that the loser voted off tomorrow night will blame her for it. She worries almost as much as Lee. During her interview segment with Trained Seal Shania seems disappointed that no one chose to sing “Feel like a Woman”, especially one of the dudes.

Lee DeWyze, “You’re Still the One”: Shania fell in love with Lee back at his Chicago audition that she sat in on in place of Drunk Chick. She did not want to get into his pants like she wanted to do with John Lee, but obviously that did not get poor John that far in this competition. Lee starts out low, monotone, and kind of shaky. The chorus is more spirited but a bit on the pitchy side. Shania was concerned that Lee was going to bury himself in his guitar but she need not have bothered because I cannot hear it. It was a decent performance, not one of his best but nothing bad either. Big Sexy utters 2 yos, 4 check it outs, and claims that this is one of his all time favorite songs. Randy has one long list of favorites. I swear he says that at least once a week. He must need 2 or 3 iPods to hold all of his all time favorite songs. He did agree with me that Lee was a little pitchy. Chicken Little E strains to be punny since Shania's last name sounds like “train,” then tells Lee that he was good and looks cute. Horny Chick thought his voice was so relevant (to what? Beats me) but that she did not think Lee related to the fact that he was singing a love song. To her. Captain Jack thought it was the perfect song choice though he (Lee) was a little hesitant at first. Simon then makes the mistake of pointing out the funny faces Lee makes when he sings, a mistake since Horny Chick jumped all over him trying to claim that Lee was only smiling. Kara takes up so much time with her smile claims that Captain Jack just gives up and hands the spotlight back to Trained Seal.

Instead of pimping the iTunes Trained Seal plugs the summer tour tickets that will go on sale May 14. Better go get in line now.

Michael Lynche, “It Only Hurts When I’m Breathing”: It is love at first sight between Big Mike and the tormentor. I guess Shania forgot that Mike’s wife would be sitting 10 feet away from her in the audience. She advises Mike not to take his silky voice for granted. The big guy starts the song on the stairs and struggles a bit to find the melody, but that does not deter Shania from leading the tweeners in the arm waiving. As usual Mike has a good soulful voice though I had a hard time connecting emotionally to this break up song. Maybe it is because I’m a dude. Shania is in the house and she is in tears. Big Sexy utters 3 yos and claims that Michael is “in the zone of who you are.” Chicken Little E name drops Luther Vandross and felt Michael got into the song. Horny Chick sucks up to the tormentor by talking about how connected Shania seems to be when she sings her songs and then claims that Michael has the same kind of magic. Captain Jack apparently is the last person in America to not make the connection between Michael and Luther but agrees with the analogy. Simon then confuses all of America by describing Michael’s performance as “wet,” which he first explains as “the opposite of dry,” and then as “a little bit girly.” He earns a chorus of girly boos with that last comment. Trained Seal tries to explain the wet comment by noting that Captain Jack usually wakes up in London where it is usually wet.

Casey James, “Don’t!”: Trained Seal warns us in advance that Casey was going to tap “into his inner country cougar.” Perhaps Trained Seal is jealous that Casey prefers Horny Chick to him. During his Coca-Cola treatment Casey admits that Simon and Kara were correct to criticize him for not doing anything new last week. Last week, how about the last 4 months? And again Big Sexy is ignored as he was the one who actually pointed out last week that Casey sings the same way every week. Shania actually claims that Casey is missing some inner confidence. Go figure. Casey is positioned in front of the main audience with a gauntlet of adoring tweeners ordered to stand there and look admiringly without moving their arms. Casey still sticks to the same 3 chords but shows a little more emotion than usual. I can actually kind of imagine hearing this on the radio. He seems to do better with ballads than with the allegedly blues songs that Casey likes to sing. Big Sexy utters 1 yo and thinks this is best performance of the season. Chicken Little E also thinks it was Casey’s best performance of the season and name drops Bob Segar. Horny Chick claims that true artists do not hide their vulnerability and Casey was a true artist tonight. Captain Jack claims that Casey learned from his wake-up call from last week and that he finally sounded sincere. Dude ain't fooling me though, he is still a poser. Simon then encourages Casey to give Shania a big kiss on the lips for her good advice. Casey eagerly runs down for his prize but only gets a hug from the tormentor.

Crystal Bowersox,”No One Needs to Know”: Crystal is still a bit star struck with Shania even though this is the second time the two have met. As she points out to Trained Seal in her Coca-Cola treatment Shania was at Crystal’s audition in Chicago and signed her now famous guitar. Crystal also points out how Shania is always glowing. Must be that scientifically proven perfect face of hers. Since Crystal will be dedicating her song to her boyfriend Shania encourages Crystal to smile more when she sings. Crystal sings the song with a pure country arrangement, the only artist to do so on ostensibly Country Week. As usual Crystal is in fine voice but she stumbled a bit with the rhythm at the bridge. OK but not her best. Big Sexy utters 2 yos, name drops Nickel Creek (not Nickelback mind you), and was happy that she sang a country song even though it was not his favorite. Chicken Little E compares this performance to the least favorite color of the rainbow. Much like her predecessor Ellen cannot bring herself to say anything negative. Horny Chick agrees with the “guys” but claims that Crystal cannot help but be good because of how honest she is. Leave it to Captain Jack of course to bring on the pain and the boos from the audience. He thought Crystal’s performance was limp and had no conviction and strains to compare it to a lousy coffee house performance that no one wants to hear. Crystal tries to justify her performance by claiming twice that “bigger is not always better.” So much for that Viagra endorsement deal. Simon then goes after the tormentor by telling Shania that it was a forgettable song. Trained Seal slips back into lunatic mode by first advising Simon to not leave at the same time as Shania and then pressures Crystal’s dorky boyfriend to propose to her.

Aaron Kelly, “You’ve Got a Way”: It looks like Aaron is flipping us the double bird as we go to break. I rewound the DVR twice just to be sure. Shania thinks Aaron is preoccupied with hitting the notes. Kind of like a kid rehearing for his high school musical. It is another sappy ballad from this kid, technically good but lacking in emotion no matter how hard he tries. He seems a little angry actually. Big Sexy utters 1 yo and declares that Aaron is this year’s country artist even though it was not a country arrangement. Indeed I do not recall Aaron singing any country songs this year, just sappy ballads and “Blue Suede Shoes”, which I guess is sort of country. Chicken Little E still cannot get over the idea that Aaron is only 16, oops, make that 17 years old. She also thinks Aaron has lots of emotion and depth. Horny Chick agrees with Ellen and then forces Aaron to point out that he changed the lyric that referred to making love, which was (and a quote) “very smart because it’s not something… you know…” Nervous laughter from the audience and snide comments from the dude judges follow. Aaron then justifies the lyric change by claiming that he sang the song for his mom, eliciting ahhs from Horny Chick and the audience. Captain Jack felt that Aaron was sincere and believable for a change and was a different artist from the one that was in danger of elimination the last 2 weeks.

Siobhan Magnus, “Any Man of Mine”: After taking on Mariah and Whitney last week Siobhan attempts to use the closer spot tonight to tackle the only song that I recognize. Shania tells Siobhan that this song is all about attitude and that she has to play a character to make it work. That shouldn't be too hard for Siobhan. She starts out singing well but then when she strolls into the tweeners Siobhan loses the initial key and slips into something else. Not her clothes though, which are only slightly quirky this week. Siobhan sounds distracted as she tries to bond with the chicks, but then regains her groove when she returns to the stage. Another thing that returns is Siobhan’s big scream at the end, which is the best one she has belted out this season. Big Sexy utters 2 yos and declares his love for Siobhan’s country punk look and sound. Chicken Little E strains to close the show with another pun about trains. Horny Chick is happy that the screaming Siobhan has returned in place of the singing Siobhan of the last few weeks. Captain Jack liked the song choice and compared the screaming to someone giving birth. Trained Seal wonders how Simon would know anything about that.

Glee starts now.

The Final Score: 11 shots at Big Sexy Randy; 10 shots at Captain Jack Simon; 10 shots at Horny Chick Kara; 10 shots at Trained Seal Ryan; 8 shots at Chicken Little E Ellen; 0 shots at Ricky Minor and the band, 6 shots at the audience, and 13 shots at Shania Twain the tormentor. There was 1 reference to a former Idol contestant, 7 references to other non-Idol performers, and 2 references to Drunk Chick Paula. 2 Coca-Cola treatments, 0 iTunes plugs (must be saving them for tomorrow), 3 name drops, 0 K-word utterances or kayfabe violations, 11 yo’s from Big Sexy, 3 returns, 2 strained puns about trains, 2 birds, 1 strained analogy, 1 country arrangement on Country Night, 1 reference to a male enhancement drug, 1 song dedicated to mum, and no goose bumps.

Your 3 Stars of the Night: Everyone was pretty much on the same page tonight so it is hard for me to discern who deserves a star. I have to give Casey one star because he realized he needed to at least stop acting like a poser if he wants to stay on the show. Michael connected with Big Sexy and the chicks so he gets star #2. I’ll give Siobhan star #3 for bringing back the big scream and keeping it in tune.

Idol Gives Back: Many years ago I had one great craps run at a Tahoe casino, where I rolled for over 90 minutes before crapping out. The whole table was alive with excitement and glee. I will never forget that night because I have never been that lucky like that, either before or since. I would guess Tim Urban feels the same way right now. That was one hell of a lucky roll he was on. Is it any wonder that he smiled all the time? While it was something of a surprise to see Tim leave I was not surprised to see both Aaron and Casey join him in the relegation zone, and not a moment too soon.

The Fearless Prediction: Ellen was correct for once, this will be another challenge since the two worst performances were from the two front runners, Crystal and Lee. Pretty much anybody can be in the bottom 3 at this point. Since it is late I’ll take a wild crap shoot and guess that Michael and Casey will be in the bottom 3 and that Aaron will be sent home. Just a hunch, nothing more.