You Oughta Be In Pictures Part 1

So as it turns out I am not yet fully recovered from the virus that attacked me last week. It seems to have morphed from the flu to tonsillitis. But I am still hanging in there and the virus is, unlike some of the losers we saw tonight, showing signs of going away. So, now that we've taken care of business let us get on with the show.

It’s Hollywood Week on American Idol, and if it is anything close to the hype that Trained Seal and the Idol producers have been pushing for the last few months it should be one of the best ones ever! OMG! 147 unbelievably talented (Ryan’s words, not mine – he did stop short of “most talented ever” though) contestants arrive in Hollywood and discover that the Hollywood tryouts would not be held in some back alley warehouse in Pasadena but at the Kodak Theatre in Hollywood, where all of the finals except, for reasons left to be explained, last season’s were held. The auditioners got the usual spiel from the judges, including Captain Jack’s vain attempt to put the fear of God in the contestants by saying that it was without a doubt the most important day in their lives. Well, let’s see, some of these folks have kids and there are a lot of high school and college grads in the house, so I don’t know about this most important day stuff. Besides, if today was the most important day ever then what did that make tomorrow? Or the next day? Or for one of the 147 the Idol finale?

Turned out the venue was not the only new twist for Hollywood Week. The producers set up a boot camp where the contestants meet with stylists, make-up artists, and vocal coaches. Kind of like junior college. They even have a mentor, Barry Manilow. I was so syked at first about this since I've never had a mentor to bash this early in the season before, but as it turned out after acknowledging his presence and letting him say a few words we never saw Barry again. He did leave us with one juicy tidbit of advice: “What makes a star? Preparation meets opportunity.” This dude should write a book.

For this first round the contestants appeared on stage in groups of 8, sang a short ditty a capella, dealt with comments from the judges, and then learned their fate. Unlike last year when there was a loser’s bracket after the first round, it was go or go home right from the beginning. In the first group were possible ringer Lil Rounds and the mildly entertaining Dennis Bingham, both from the KC auditions. Lil was the woman whose apartment was taken out by a tornado, and Dennis was the one whose begging actually succeeded in getting him a golden ticket. Lil was an easy green light but Dennis was sent home. This came as a surprise to him and this time the begging didn't work. Naturally Dennis’ opinion of the judges did a complete about face from the auditions as he ranted about their competency and questioned their wardrobe as he ran out of the theatre.

Nathaniel Marshall, Anoop Desai, Jasmine Murray, and Rose Flack were all part of a group of 8 who all passed. Rose, the orphan from the Jacksonville auditions, almost had a nervous breakdown during boot camp but still managed to get through Round 1. We got our first look at Nathaniel, who was so full of music that he couldn't help himself but to sing, otherwise it would just burst right out of him. That would not be a pretty sight I’m sure.

Stephen Fowler, who I don’t remember from the auditions, pulled a rare trick and out sung Stevie Wonder on one of Stevie’s songs. I’m keeping my eye on this cat. VFTW favorite Von Smith was so over the top in his two minutes that it was actually funny watching him do it. Despite Captain Jack’s disgust for Von’s “indulgent nonsense” Von still went though.

After we learned that Nick Mitchell had promised to leave “Norman Gentle” back in New York, Norman was back and fully unfurled in Hollywood. He did some high energy shtick that included a shout-out to Trained Seal hiding up in the balcony and got everyone but Captain Jack laughing. Sexual Chocolate seemed to think that “Nick Norman” actually had a voice. Drunk Chick wanted to hear Nick sing a song “all stripped down” but quickly corrected herself when Nick reached for his shirt buttons. Not even Horny Chick wanted to see that. Nick will be back for another round, with or without Norman or his shirt.

After a video full of product placements for Ford we heard Jackie Tohn channel Amanda Overmyer again, this time wearing a panther print and acting like a flake. BFFs Danny Golke and Jamar Rodgers from Milwaukee both made it through and we again heard about how well Danny is getting over the death of his wife.

During the break we saw another of those new commercials for Las Vegas. Apparently Vegas is so desperate for tourists now that they are appealing to stoners who want to burn the place down.

The first round had been a pretty dull one with the exception of Norman and angry reject Dennis Bingham. Business picked up, though, when Bikini Girl Katrina Darrell stepped onto the stage. She did not come nude as Horny Chick asked her too in the Phoenix auditions. Instead she wore a black summer dress with a high hem line to show off her still tanned legs. Katrina warbled through Faith Hill’s “Breathe” and then the predictable hijinks behind the judges’ table began. Kara started with a complement but then said that Katrina’s performance badly deteriorated towards the end. Katrina had told Trained Seal how rude and insecure Horny Chick had been before and tried to frame Kara’s criticisms as being that again. Katrina had a partner in Captain Jack, who started making rude cat hissing sounds in the middle of Kara’s comments. Drunk Chick tried to explain to Kara what Simon was doing but as usual it made so little sense. Horny Chick was so desperate to get Katrina out of Hollywood that she begged Paula to back her up. Paula sort of did but in her usual disjointed way. Perhaps someday Kara will see the futility of this request and learn how hard it is to get Drunk Chick to say anything negative about anybody except Simon (and sometimes she even struggles with that). Randy and Simon both praised Katrina and bought her excuse that it would have sounded better if she had musical accompaniment. Bikini Girl was sent to the next round, and this time Horny Chick wanted Katrina to bring a pole with her. I so hope this girl makes it to the Top 12.

Jeremy Sarrer, the oil rig guy, got through as did Donny and Marie’s nephew David Osmond and the blind guy Scott McIntyre. However, Jesus Valenzuela, the dude with the two cute little boys, was sent home. Emily Hughes, who scuttled her band’s European tour to come to Hollywood for Idol, changed her song at the last minute from “I Put a Spell on You” to No Doubt’s “Excuse Me Mister.” The judges, even Paula, saw through Emily’s attempt to play it safe (and anytime you switch from Nina Simone to Gwen Stefani you are playing it safe, even I know that) and got all over her for it, but Emily still got through anyway.

Our last featured contestant was Erika Wesley, an FBI agent from Portland, OR who was not shown in the audition shows. She was rejected (in favor of Emily among others) and she too begged and pleaded with the judges. Paula pointed out that she had voted yes for Erika and thus attempted to absolve herself from blame, until Captain Jack showed Drunk Chick the paper that she had written “no” on. You see, Paula has the ability to see into the future but can seem remember something she did 5 minutes ago, and she claims not to be an alcoholic despite showing the classic signs that get people into AA meetings. Rather than accept her amnesia Paula fought back “tooth and nail on this one.” No one, not even Captain Jack, had the guts to tell Paula that it didn't matter how she voted because Erika was going home anyway since all the other judges had voted no. G-woman Erika saw an opening during Paula’s rant and went into full begging mode, including claiming that it was her cousin’s birthday and that no one should be voted off American Idol on their cousin’s birthday. I don’t even know when my cousin’s birthdays are. The judges stood firm though, except for Drunk Chick who still insisted that she had voted yes even after Erika had left the theatre.

43 contestants were cut in Round 1, a rather disappointing low number for me since there are still 104 contestants I have to write something about. Tomorrow night is my least favorite part of Hollywood Week, the return of Group Night! Everybody stays up all night and bitches at each other! What fun! I think the over/under on the number of attempts at an Aretha Franklin song is around 7.