Sexual Healing

It is back to the future night, as Idol goes back to the original format for the semi-finals. Instead of two people getting voted off three people will be voted forward to the Top 12. No explanation as to why the Idol producers choose to do this, though one could make a guess. It is a lot harder for the forces of evil to keep contestants like Tatiana Del Toro on the show when they have to overcome 9 other contestants instead of just 1 or 2. Just a thought….

So from now until the grand finale I will be typing this as I watch the show instead of taking notes for later broadcast. The idea is that I can get to bed earlier and provide my faithful readers with a more lively experience. Well, it is a fine idea anyway. I will probably still end up going to bed late and only you can say how lively this thing will be.

In keeping with the theme Trained Seal has ditched the suits in favor of the more casual wear he used to wear back when he had a co-host. The judges, of course, are keeping it casual as always. Horny Chick is nervous appearing on live TV for the first time, especially after Drunk Chick starts suggesting that they get under the table again. Ryan looked uncomfortable listening to chicks talk about sex, and then looked even more uncomfortable when Captain Jack compliments his new hair-do.

Jackie Thom - “A Little Less Conversation” by Elvis Presley: Rather than try and imitate The King Jackie gives it a Tina Turner-like treatment, complete with the hot pants. She has a lot of spirit but it’s not exactly a stellar vocal performance. Still, she certainly has her own style and was not afraid to show it here. Randy and Kara both agree with me so I won’t make fun of them, for now at least. Drunk Chick reminds Randy that he used to fit in hot pants. Now that’s a visual that I did not need. Simon thought Jackie played the clown and was “ungamly”, and already the crowd is all over Captain Jack for using one of them foreign words. Jackie’s parents are in the house and Ryan points out that they were staring a hole into Simon while he was criticizing their daughter. We also now know where Jackie gets her off the wall attitude.

Ricky Braddy – “A Song for You” by Leon Russell: This is our first introduction to Mr. Braddy, which in past seasons has usually been the kiss of death. However, last year Quiet Man Jason Castro wasn't seen until the semis and he made it all the way to the Final Four, giving hope to cannon fodder like Ricky. Since Idol never bothered to introduce us to Ricky during the auditions I won’t bother with doing so here unless he makes it into the Top 12, except to note that he used to work in a chicken fast food place. He is a North Carolina guy, home of many an Idol star in seasons past. He has a good voice but he starts this ballad out kind of bland. Hopefully for him he’ll have a big finish. He drops in the falsetto at the chorus and remarkably stays in tune. All in all it didn't blow me away but it was pretty good. I wonder why they have been hiding this guy for so long. Randy and Kara are even more blown away than me. Paula also wonders why Ricky wasn't featured until now. Why don’t you ask the folks who sign your checks, Drunk Chick? Simon attempts to offer an explanation by claiming that Ricky doesn't have any star quality and gets booed for his troubles. Drunk Chick tries to cancel out Captain Jack’s comments by shouting “you’re brilliant!” To Ricky, not Simon.

Forgive me for bouncing back and forth between past and present tense. I’m warning you now that from this point forward I’m not going to bother with correcting myself as I go, otherwise I’ll be here all night and I still have a job to go to tomorrow morning.

Trained Seal brings back the iTunes plugs.

Alexis Grace – “Never Loved a Man” by Aretha Franklin: This is the chick that was advised to get dirtier by have sex with her boyfriend after her audition. Still no mention of the boyfriend but his picture is still in her living room so I guess he’s still around. Alexis claims to be taking a chance with her song choice, even though about 100 prior contestants have sung this song on this show before her. The audience cheers on her shouting, but it’s clear to me that this is not the best song choice for her. She should have gone with a Janis number instead I think. She does have a nice bluesy voice that would be better served by a Janis number compared to an Aretha number. The dress choice was much better though, and at least she didn't pick a Whitney song. Sexual Chocolate is in love with the new dirty girl. Horny Chick is similarly turned on and takes credit for inspiring Alexis to dirty up her image. Drunk Chick is amazed that a 21 year old can display so much soul and confidence after claiming Alexis had neither at her audition, and then tries to go on to keep Captain Jack from saying anything. Simon surprises us all by saying that he liked her performance, even comparing her to Kelly Clarkson.

Brent Keith – “Hick Town” by Jason Aldean: This is the busker that put the two chicks under the table during the auditions. Let’s see if he is similarly inspiring tonight. It doesn't start well for Brent as the director cues up Stevie Wright’s promo instead. Trained Seal tries to improvise but is saved when the correct promo starts rolling. Brent is the first to stake a claim for the country spot, smart move considering how many country singers Idol has produced. It’s a decent Garth Brooks impression, though I don’t think Garth did this song. I’ll need to look it up during the break. After hearing Brent’s performance Sexual Chocolate is ready for a chili cook-off. Horny Chick thought he played it safe and wasn't rangy enough. That’s country music in a nutshell my dear. Paula conjures up the ghost of Bucky Covington. Simon thought it was unoriginal and Drunk Chick can’t believe it. Brent disagrees with Captain Jack and doesn't think country fans will forget his performance. He’s probably right but I doubt it’ll be enough to move on. He continues that thought in the red room with Trained Seal, and in the process pulls a Tony Stewart and refers to himself in the plural first person. We love Smoke and like this guy but we find this very annoying.

Stevie Wright – “You Belong with Me” by Taylor Swift: She doesn't think Captain Jack likes her, so she’s going to act young from this point forward to try and impress him. She starts off kind of shaky with the low notes, but kicks in the spirit with the chorus. The second verse is even shakier than the first, but again she does better with the chorus. I don’t know about this one. Probably the worst vocal of the night so far. Randy is not pleased and gets booed. Kara agrees with Randy and no one boos her. Paula agrees with them and me and no one boos her either. Captain Jack thought it was terrible and gets booed, then gets the other judges on him for saying that she has no chance of moving on to the next round. Stevie’s mom wonders why the judges criticized Stevie for being too young now after they urged her in Hollywood to be younger. Right on, sister.

Anoop Desai – “Angel of Mine” by Monica: Apparently he likes to go by “Anoop Dog.” If Anoop makes it to the Top 12 I’ll need to come up with a better nickname than that for him. A very interesting song choice, I wonder how he will pull this off. He shows off the good voice that we heard during his audition, but to me it was kind of bland. The tweener girls in the audience love it though, as does Drunk Chick. Sexual Chocolate has mad love for Anoop but was not turned on by the song choice. Horny Chick yet again agrees with Randy. Drunk Chick thinks “America has connected with you” but I don’t know if they will remember him after tonight. Simon thought the song was too grown-up and serious for him, but he still likes him. The other judges quickly agree but not Anoop, who instead defends his song choice. I’ll offer up an early fearless prediction, this dude won’t move on tomorrow but will instead be one of the wild cards.

Trained Seal works in iTunes pimp #2 as his makes his way up the stairs. This would seem to be an impossible task but Ryan is a trained professional. I bet you he even does it at home.

Casey Carlson – “Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic” by The Police: Oh yeah, this is the bubble tea girl and it is a song I actually own, though apparently she wants to sing it in another key. At least I hope it’s another key. She shows a little 'tude to get the audience on her side and gets no reaction. No wait, there are a few people clapping along. Randy says the magic word “karaoke” and a duck falls down from the ceiling. No, wait, that was another reality show, sorry about that. For a second there I was channeling Dennis Miller. Kara wonders why Casey even went near a Police song. Drunk Chick compliments Casey’s looks but eventually gets around to saying something critical. Simon seconds the magic word. Casey acknowledged to Trained Seal that the judges were right but that she still had fun, and isn't that why we are all here?

There’s my girl Cheyennis again, this time with a new commercial about her Ford Focus. And thanks to that reference there’s another 15 hits to this site. And on their next shows House M.D. has a heart attack and Chef Ramsey promises to cause one! Let’s see if that gets me some more hits…

Michael Sarver – “I Don’t Want to Be” by Gavin Degraw: Trained Seal calls Michael his twin. In your dreams homeboy. I guess it’s true that ambiguously gay guys love the roughnecks. Michael is having fun too but is more in tune than Casey. Up in the red room Stevie is in the groove but the other contestants look worried, maybe because he’s doing pretty well. Randy wanted to hear more soul and less bounce. Horny Chick again agrees with Randy. Drunk Chick drops her usual compliment and gets cheered, and then she name drops a number of former male contestants who sang the song and in the same sentence complains about how distracted she was by Mike’s mike tossing. Simon was on the fence but still likes him.

Anne Marie Boskovich – “Natural Woman” by Aretha Franklin: Hail is falling outside as I type this so I’m hoping the TV signal doesn't go out, or else this is the end of tonight’s recap. She has a nice voice and really nice legs but this song seems too big for her. That’s the danger of picking an Aretha song. The crowd gives her a standing O and she thought she did well, but then Sexual Chocolate disses the song choice and claims that Anne Marie is confusing him. Kara wanted her to sing a fun girly love song, “that’s not as good” Anne Marie replies. Touché! Drunk Chick thought Anne Marie did better than she did in Hollywood Week not because she sang better but because she took a chance. Captain Jack pulls out the hotel singer voice analogy and then gets back at the audience by accusing them of being easily pleased. Touché times 2! Anne Marie takes the awkwardness into the red room by complaining that she sat on a hard spot on the couch. Trained Seal, perhaps still distracted by the roughneck or the vague sexual reference, loses his train of thought and goes straight to giving out the phone number.

Steven Fowler – “Rock with You” by Michael Jackson: This time Steven promises not to forget the lyrics like he did the last night of Hollywood. I hope so because he sounded good before. Interesting song choice that he did alright with, but he may have been better doing a more soulful song than this one. Randy agrees with me once again. Kara thought he did better when he forgot the lyrics. Paula is disappointed by the song choice. Simon thought it would have been better if he had forgotten the lyrics. Probably in the running with Anoop for a wild card spot.

Tatiana Del Toro – “Saving All My Love for You” by Whitney Houston: And now here is the star of our show and right on cue the hail comes back to threaten my signal. I find it interesting that the other contestants are nowhere to be seen in the red room when Ryan announces that she is next. Tatiana is more subdued than the auditions but she is still determined to win this thing at all costs. Alright! She’s singing a Whitney song; this should be either really good or really interesting. The signal is holding and, well, she is surprisingly good. It would have been so easy to jump on her if she messed this up, but she is determined to make this interesting. Randy was happy with the moments. Horny Chick can’t figure out if she is an artist or a character. “I’m both” Tatiana replies. No doubt about that. Paula points out that she is the most talked about contestant so far and the audience cheers. I guess because Paula said it the audience assumed it was a compliment. Drunk Chick also complains that Tatiana is not acting like a drama queen. Captain Jack out and out calls her a drama queen and thinks that she is as desperate to be famous as Drunk Chick. The judges get on Tatiana’s case about being too reserved and not displaying her goofy laugh. She later tells Ryan that the wacky chick we saw in the auditions was not the real her, but before she convinces us all that she is actually a sane person she makes a classic psycho chick pitch to America to vote for her. I would guess that if Tatiana doesn't make it tomorrow, and there is a decent chance that she won’t, that the judges will get more of the drama queen behavior that they will be able to stand.

Danny Gokey – “Hero” by Mariah Carey: The widower gets the coveted closer spot, to the surprise of virtually no one who thinks the Idol producers are trying to manipulate the vote. Of course we hear about his wife again. I sure hope this is the last time we will. He’s a good singer; he doesn't need the sob story. He’s taking on a pretty big song, even for him. It’s a bit pitchy in spots but he is laying it out there. The judges jump out of their chairs, except for Captain Jack of course. Horny Chick and Sexual Chocolate praise him for saving the show. Drunk Chick pulls out an air lighter and claims Danny can sell out arenas right now. He is good, but not Chris Daughtry good, at least not yet. Captain Jack dowses the audience with realism by saying that Danny is only good and that he’s not ready to jump on the Gokey bandwagon yet. Both Drunk Chick and Horny Chick are ready to punch Simon for being such a hater. Trained Seal then indirectly accuses Simon of not having a heart, “the organ the rest of us have.”

The Final Score: 16 shots at Drunk Chick Paula, 12 shots at Captain Jack Simon, 11 shots at Trained Seal Ryan, 8 shots at Horny Chick Kara, 7 shots at Sexual Chocolate Randy, and 10 shots at the audience. 4 direct and 2 indirect references to former Idol contestants. 2 Aretha songs, 1 Whitney song, 1 Mariah song, 3 ad references, 2 iTunes pimps, 2 weather reports, 1 reference to a NASCAR driver, and 1 channeling of a political comedian/talk show host.

Your 3 Stars of the Night: Danny Gokey took advantage of the closer spot and was the best of the show. Ricky Braddy was better than expected, as was drama queen Tatiana Del Toro. Alexis Grace gets an honorable mention because she was the only one that Captain Jack liked.

Idol Looks Back: Will return next week at this same time and same channel.

The Fearless Prediction: The top dude, the top chick, and the next highest vote getter get through so I can’t take the easy way out and predict that the 3 Stars are all moving on. Danny Gokey is an easy choice to be one of the three. The top girl is much harder to guess. Tatiana Del Toro sang well enough to move on but there are as many people who hate her as those who love her, so I will go with Alexis Grace instead. For the third spot it’s a toss-up between Anoop Desai, Michael Sarver, and Ricky Braddy. Ricky sang the best of the three tonight but Anoop and Michael have already made names for themselves during the auditions. Since I've already predicted that Anoop will be one of the wild cards and I suspect that Ricky has no name recognition thanks to the Idol producers, I predict that Michael Sarver will be the third choice.