A Mess of Blues

Like many of the contestants this season, both real and alleged, I am suffering from a nasty virus. However, since I do not have Trained Seal here to make excuses for me I feel that I must press on and get this recap out despite the feeling that I would be much better off going to bed early. At least the show ended 32 minutes early; it gives me at least the chance of getting to bed before Craig Ferguson comes on.

Trained Seal begins the show from “Idol Headquarters” with his usual dramatic flair, talking about how this week is the “big payback” after Big Mike was saved by Captain Jack last week. After the usual drama that is the opening title sequence, Trained Seal greets the tweener screechers with high fives and wassups. Even Ryan knows who the key demographic is for this show.

To save time for Glee the producers tell Trained Seal to skip the pleasantries with the judges and jumps right to the video on “one of music’s biggest icons,” Elvis Presley. Note my emphasis on “one,” especially after Trained Seal called the Rolling Stones “iconic,” heralded Usher as an “ultimate” R&B artist, and talked about how Miley Cyrus “conquered all corners of the entertainment world.” To further add insult to the King of Rock and Roll the producers have chosen Adam Lambert to be this week’s tormentor. Mind you there were no tormentors worthy enough to tutor the contestants on Rolling Stones and Beatles songs but somehow a guy with one year of professional experience and zero number one songs or albums is worthy enough to give advice on how to sing Elvis songs.

Yes, I am a bit sensitive, but somebody needs to stand up for the King, especially when the producers are using him to jump not just the shark but the entire tank.

Broadway Boy agreed to be a tormentor in honor of the King and somehow I strangely believe him. Adam is the first former contestant to reappear as a tormentor, and somewhere Taylor Hicks is asking “why him and not me?” It would not surprise me to learn that the producers had asked Chris Daughtry, Kelly Clarkson, and Carrie Underwood to be tormentors and got blown off, so they had to settle on Broadway Boy. I wonder why they did not ask Kris Allen, who actually beat Lambert last season. I give Adam credit for honesty when he tells us that he thinks this year’s contestants are boring and need some spicing up. After the video Trained Seal expresses his admiration for Broadway Boy’s talented tongue and the audience laughs at the ambiguously gay reference.

Crystal Bowersox, “Saved”: Crystal starts the night by talking about how she likes how Elvis combined gospel and the blues and expresses her hopes that she can do the same. Adam encourages Crystal to go with the electric guitar instead of the autographed acoustic one and to toss her dreads around more. She starts with an unusually off key big note but then settles into a nice groove. Crystal is shouting more than singing, again differing from her usual style. It was OK but not great. Big Sexy utters 3 yos; name drops Bonnie Raitt, and repeats himself by saying how great she is without saying why. Chicken Little E once again cannot offer any constructive comments so instead she goes for the cheap laugh and asks the audience if anyone in it is having a birthday. Horny Chick liked that Crystal sang a song with “controversial lyrics” and also admired how Crystal created drama with her rhythm change. She must have mistaken Crystal with one of the other contestants who always create drama and tension when they attempt to change up a song. Captain Jack admired Crystal for choosing a song that suited her voice and talked about how he could relate to the lyric about lyin’ and cheatin’. He must have mistaken this song with “You’re So Vain.” Simon also warns us that the rest of the contestants will likely sing karaoke versions of their songs while Crystal somehow managed to avoid doing this.

Andrew Garcia, “Hound Dog”: Andrew poked his nose when Trained Seal first introduced him, not a good omen. In his Coca-Cola treatment Trained Seal pressures Andrew to talk about the pressure he felt last week when he was in the bottom 2 and had to watch Michael sing for his life. Andrew’s response was bland and not worth repeating. Something about also being a father and some other stuff. Broadway Boy thought Andrew’s first performance was boring and encouraged him to change things up big time. Sadly Andrew took Adam’s advice and changed the song into the B-side of “Bossa Nova Baby.” He also seems to singing to the mic, which he carries with him, stand and all, around the stage and into the audience. Andrew sang mostly in tune but the vocal was flat, and the arrangement was really weird. Big Sexy utters 6 yos (most of the night), 2 check it outs, 1 K-word, and 1 angry “not good.” Chicken Little E liked the arrangement but wanted to see more swagger. Horny Chick did not feel enough from Andrew and thought he was using the mic as a crutch. Insert the sexual innuendo of your choice here. Captain Jack thought it was lazy, pulled out the throw-away song from a musical analogy again, and gets booed for saying that Andrew had sucked all of the coolness out of the song. Andrew responds by thanking the booers for backing him up. Trained Seal asks Ellen why her opinion is so different from Simon. Meanwhile Big Sexy is sitting there realizing he is still the forgotten man on this show. Don’t worry Randy; next season this show will be all yours, though it will be much like a hand-me-down from your older brother.

Tim Urban, “Can’t Help Falling in Love”: The legend continues for another week. Broadway Boy thought Tim’s voice and smile were “pretty” and surprisingly Tim does not seem worried about this. Adam tries to convince Tim to sing the last lyric in falsetto, part of me hopes he does not do that and another part hopes that he does. Trained Seal talks to his mom and introduces “turban” from the audience. Tim starts out without the band and his rhythm is all over the place. Too fast one lyric, too slow the next. The chorus is more in rhythm but pitchy. None of this seems to bother the waiving arms in the peanut gallery or Trained Seal, who is seen dancing with Season 8 contestant Michael Sarver during the song. Michael must have been laughed off the oil rig if he is hanging out with Broadway Boy now. Thankfully, or unfortunately, Tim did not sing the last lyric in falsetto. I liked the arrangement but was not impressed by the vocal. No surprise there. Big Sexy utters 2 yos, 2 Tim’s, and claims that he surprisingly likes it. Chicken Little E implies that she needed 4 tequila shots to like the performance but then says that it was beautiful, and somewhere Drunk Chick Paula is claiming she understands what Ellen is saying. Kara claims this was Tim’s best performance ever. Captain Jack says that Tim has gone from zero to hero in 2 weeks, and then gets cut off by the producers from saying any more positive things about Tim when they play the bumper music over his comments.

Lee DeWyze, “A Little Less Conversation”: Broadway Boy thinks Lee is a good singer but that there is nothing going on with his face. Maybe it is because the microphone glued to Lee’s face does not allow for any other movements. The best that Adam could offer is for Lee to smile more. Lee starts out with the acoustic guitar accompanied by overhand hand claps from the peanut gallery. It turns into an Phil Collins produced, Eric Clapton-like arrangement when the band kicks in. Ricky Minor gets to work in a solo. The arrangement is kind of flat but Lee’s vocal is very good. Lee is beginning to remind me of Elliott Yamin, who also started slowly but got better as he gained confidence and earned a third place finish in Season 5, knocking off Chris Daughtry in the process. Big Sexy utters 5 yos and thinks Lee is in the zone. Horny Chick thought Lee “went for it” vocally but wanted to see more playfulness. Captain Jack questions Kara on the playfulness comment, asking her if she expects him to skip around the stage or something. Horny Chick rambles on trying to justify her comment, and instead justifies my doubts about her songwriting expertise. Captain Jack lets her ramble on, and then dismisses all of it and just tells Lee that he nailed the vocal. Lee reveals to Trained Seal that Broadway Boy’s advice about smiling more actually inspired his performance. Wow, a tormentor’s advice that looked meaningless was actually helpful.

Aaron Kelly, “Blue Suede Shoes”: Aaron promised last week that he would not sing a slow ballad, and unlike that poser Casey James Aaron was true to his word, though even he was not sure about the song choice. Broadway Boy tells Aaron to growl more and to “grab” the song. I’m surprised that Aaron stood there rather than run and hide when he heard that. Aaron is trying his best to sing like Elvis in the low register but there is not a whole lot of depth there. He found some depth when he broke down the second half of the song, but still it had a lot of high school musical feel to it. At least it was not another sleepy ballad. Big Sexy utters 2 yos and learns from Aaron that the reason Aaron was uncomfortable with the song choice was because of the lyric about drinking liquor from the old fruit jar. Randy has a hard time believing that excuse but does not have the courage to challenge the teenager on his reasoning. Chicken Little E does show some guts though by asking Aaron if he had chose the song or if David Archuleta’s dad chose it for him. OK, just the first part, Ellen did not have the courage to make a joke about the stage dad. Horny Chick liked that Aaron ventured out of his comfort zone and that the lack of courage worked for him. Captain Jack, never lacking in courage, utters the K-word and shares my thought that it seemed like a put-on high school concert. Some tweener chick in the audience has the courage to scream “no way” at Simon at the end of his comments. Aaron is coughing and wheezing as Trained Seal reads the phone number but has the courage to not use it as an excuse.

Siobhan Magnus, “Suspicious Minds”: Siobhan and Broadway Boy compared their over-moussed hair dos before the break. Trained Seal asks Siobhan during her Coca-Cola treatment about the report on Elvis that Siobhan wrote in sixth grade, and then tries to get her to confess that her parents wrote the report for her. Siobhan is proud to tell Broadway Boy about how proud she is to be compared to him, presumably before Adam told Siobhan that her first rehearsal was sleepy and boring. He wants to see more rhythm and “oomph.” Siobhan starts the song at a faster pace than the original but the vocal is still sleepy. She then breaks down the song to a slower pace and interjects the screaming that the judges want to hear, though again she avoids the big note and saves the maintenance guys from another week of cleaning up the glass. It was a good vocal but only an OK arrangement. Big Sexy utters only 1 yo; name drops The Supremes, and thinks the song came alive when she started screaming. Chicken Little E liked the screaming more than the singing and acknowledged that the judges have been giving her mixed messages about whether or not she should tone down or pick up the screaming. Horny Chick is still confused about Siobhan’s two voices, the singing one and the “crazy screaming thing,” and expresses her preference for the screaming one. Captain Jack claims that Siobhan sounded like she was put into a time machine and came back 20 years later, and 2 hours after hearing this I still do not understand what he was trying to say with this strained analogy. The audience seems confused too because no one booed. Simon then rips into Siobhan for being terrible, erratic, screechy, and lost. Trained Seal challenges Simon to tell Siobhan what she should do next week, and he responds by saying she should choose a song that suits her “in the real world.” Ryan nods his head as if he understood that comment. At least it sounded sincere. This puts Siobhan over the edge, as she explains to Trained Seal that she cannot pinpoint or label what kind of artist she wants to be and does not welcome the judges’ attempts to put her in a nice, tidy box like they do with everyone else.

Next week is Idol Gives Back Week, sponsored by ExxonMobil. Trained Seal teases us by first saying that his old sidekick Brian Dunkelman will be hosting the pseudo-entertainment portion of the show, then after only getting one or two laughs from the one or two people who actually know who Brian Dunkelman is Ryan confesses that Queen Latifah will be co-hosting instead.

Michael Lynche, “In the Ghetto”: Michael chose this song at Siobhan’s suggestion, and after the reaction she got from singing “Suspicious Minds” Siobhan may be regretting giving that song to Big Mike. Broadway Boy wants Michael to ignore Captain Jack’s advice and be more dramatic, which Michael expresses doubts about since doing so last week left him singing for his life. Michael sings the whole song sitting on the stage with only minimal accompaniment from Ricky and the band. After last week’s experiment Michael has embraced his R&B-ness and does the song as a soft R&B ballad. Outside of being a bit rushed it is the best vocal of the night so far. The arrangement was beautiful like Tim Urban’s but sung 10 times better. Big Sexy utters 4 yos, 3 check it outs, and thinks the vocals were hot but a little sleepy. But that is OK because this is a singing competition. The producers rush the chicks through their positive comments but give time to Captain Jack to say that this performance was “million billion times better than last week.”

Katie Stevens, “Baby, What You Want Me To Do”: Katie chose this song because the title reflects how she feels about the judges. Seriously, this is what it has come to for her. Broadway Boy wants Katie to express her anger in her singing and to sell her anger more. Katie is back trying to look younger with the mini-skirt and black leggings outfit and avoidance of the low register song openings. She expresses her anger much like Whitney Houston does, with lots of head shifts and little expression in her voice. She tries to bond with the brass section but it still is not quite selling me, though it was a decent vocal. Big Sexy utters 1 yo and was entertained by Katie’s sassiness. Chicken Little E thought it was a horny song, but when the audience laughs at her instead of with her she explains that it was horny because there were a “lot of horns in it.” Horny Chick fakes sincerity by saying “you showed us judges.” Yeah, like that is going to stop Horny Chick from making conflicting comments about what box Katie should be stuffing herself in. Captain Jack gets booed for saying that the song was loud, annoying, and not his thing, which Horny Chick thought was an expression of confidence. Katie asks the obvious question but gets no answer.

Casey James, “Lowdy Miss Clawdy”: Casey again chooses a song that no one knows to avoid being exposed as a poser. He claims that he chose the song because it is “old school Elvis” but I am not buying it. Adam actually gives Casey some advice on his singing, the only contestant tonight to get any from Broadway Boy, but it does not sound like “very sexy Casey James” (per Trained Seal) took that advice to heart because the vocal is very flat throughout. It was in tune and on pitch but only at the end does Casey actually express some emotion. The arrangement was very new country, Garth Brooks like and not the bluesy number Casey promised it would be. He must have hid the blues in that box of his that he has still not told us about. Bug Sexy utters 2 yos and thought it was a solid “soulful bluesy thing,” though he mutters under his breath that it was nothing different. Chicken Little E thought it was not exciting but that he looked good singing within the sea of tweener girls in the audience. Horny Chick thought the performance feel short and that there is “so much more” in Casey, then searched for that extra prescription for Viagra. Captain Jack thought the vocal was good but that it was forgettable and a waste of the opportunity that comes with being in the closer spot. Casey did not look happy that the judges were critiquing his awesome performance.

Trained Seal is told by the producers to stall for time since they actually finished early for once, so Ryan exaggerates about how there will be no more saves or second chances after Michael was saved last week, and then plugs Glee again to close out the show.

Glee out!

The Final Score: 19 shots at Trained Seal Ryan; 13 shots at Big Sexy Randy; 13 shots at Captain Jack Simon; 11 shots at Horny Chick Kara; 6 shots at Chicken Little E Ellen; 4 shots at Ricky Minor and the band, 8 shots at the audience, and 12 shots at Broadway Boy Adam Lambert the tormentor. There were 10 references to former Idol contestants (not counting Lambert) including 2 references to Chris Daughtry, 12 references to other non-Idol performers, 1 reference to Drunk Chick Paula, and 1 reference to a former Idol host. 2 Coca-Cola treatments, 1 iTunes plug (Steve Jobs must have called), 2 name drops, 2 K-word utterances, 25 yo’s from Big Sexy, 3 song breakdowns, 2 over-moussed hair-dos, 1 ambiguously gay reference to talented tongue work, 1 AT&T shout-out from Trained Seal, and no goosebumps this week, maybe because no one tried "Viva Las Vegas" even though the sessions with Broadway Boy were in Vegas. At least no one tried to sing "Trouble" again.

Your 3 Stars of the Night: Michael was clearly scared by having to be saved by Captain Jack last week and went back to the R&B ballads that he does so well. Crystal was her usual solid self, though someone pointed out last week that she is in danger of falling into the trap Melinda Doolittle feel into where the tweener voters got bored by her consistency and voted instead for Blake Lewis because he was cute. Lee DeWyze is starting to emerge as a dark horse who could steal this thing if he keeps this up.

Idol Gives Back: Last week’s bottom 3 was a surprise to me except for Andrew. While Aaron was not very good I figured his appeal to the tweener chicks would keep him out of the relegation zone for longer than this. I was very amused by how the judges’ save came about. While Michael was singing for his life the other judges, in particular Horny Chick, were frantically waving their arms about while all the while Captain Jack was just sitting there, suggesting to me that the other three bozos wanted to save Michael but Simon was refusing to say what his vote would be until he had to. Classic stuff that will be greatly missed after Captain Jack leaves the show after this season.

The Fearless Prediction: 2 contestants have to go tomorrow so I guess I have to select a bottom 4. Michael and Tim seem safe after their performances tonight, and Casey’s looks should buy him a few more weeks. Crystal is still destined to be the last chick eliminated, and Lee is steadily building a larger fan base if the screeches from the audience are any indication. So that leaves Katie, Siobhan, Aaron, and Andrew as your bottom 4. I suspect that after last week’s scare that the tweeners will save Aaron, and while I have sneaky suspicion that Siobhan may now be in danger, especially with the judges’ save gone, I do not want to see her go just yet. So my prediction is that Andrew and Katie will be sent home on double elimination night and miss out on next week’s fake telethon.