Idol Brings Back the Inspiration

Let us start by jumping into Captain Jack’s time machine and travel back 3 years time to the first Idol Gives Back week in Season 6. The theme then, as it is tonight, was songs of inspiration. Things looked promising with Bono as the tormentor and Sanjaya Malakar kicked off the show the week before, and for the most part the contestants did not disappoint. Phil Stacey, who embraced his country side the week before, took it to the next level with Garth Brooks “The Change”. Melinda Doolittle out sang Faith Hill on her own song. The grand finale was eventual Season 6 winner Jordin Sparks’ version of “You’ll Never Walk Alone” that was so good it left the audience in tears. Big Sexy declared it the best performance in the history of the show and I actually agreed with him. The producers were so inspired that they decided that no one was going home that week, though Trained Seal almost gave Jordin a heart attack by waiting until the very end of the show to tell her that she was safe along with everyone else.

Now let us flash forward one year later to Season 7, also known as David Cook and the Plants. The group of professionals that the producers planted into the Top 12 could not find it within themselves to even fake some sincerity. Big Sexy and Michael Johns got into an argument about whether or not Aerosmith’s “Dream On” was inspirational. Syesha Mercado sang the same “inspirational” song, Fantasia’s “I Believe”, which LaKesha Jones sang the year before and got blasted by Big Sexy for that too. Carly Smithson sang an angry version of Queen’s “The Show Must Go On” and got called out by Captain Jack for being too angry on Inspiration Night. Not even Season 7 winner David Cook was all that inspirational even though he wrote “give back” on his fingers. The producers were so uninspired that they surprised Michael Johns by telling him that a contestant was getting eliminated that week and that contestant was him. It may also be why the producers chose not to have an Idol Gives Back night last season.

So now that the producers decided to give inspirational songs one more try will it be more like the inspirational Season 6 or the uninspirational Season 7? The world awaits this life changing answer…

Trained Seal begins the show with his usual dramatic flair by talking about changing and saving lives. The announcer has been retired for the season so Ryan is left to introduce the judges, though thankfully we are spared the forced, awards show-like banter. Trained Seal reminds us that there are still tickets available for tomorrow’s Idol Gives Back spectacular in Pasadena, so hurry now!

Tonight’s tormentor is Alicia Keys, who Trained Seal claims has “changed the dynamic of R&B forever” with her powerful and uplifting songs. Alicia talks about how she wants to inspire the contestants to bring out their emotion. This is pretty much all she says to each performer tonight rather than give any actual singing advice. Come to think of it, none of the tormentors this season have been providing much technical advice. This is what happens when the producers select tormentors that are “hot”, “current”, and young enough to be Horny Chick’s kids as opposed to singers who actually know how to sing.

Casey James, “Don’t Stop” by Fleetwood Mac: Casey chose this song because it is “me being in the song, me being present.” Me, me, me, me, me, that is all it’s about with this poser. Once again Casey sticks to the same three chords and the same standing in place that he has done with every song except perhaps “Jealous Guy.” The only difference is that this time there were 2 self-indulgent guitar solos instead of just one. Again, it was OK but boring and uninspirational. Big Sexy utters 2 yos and points out that Casey keeps doing the same thing every week and he is getting bored with it too. Chicken Little E feels compelled to be tougher on the contestants and tells Casey that he was good but not great. That’s telling him Ellen. Horny Chick is getting frustrated with Casey doing the same thing every week and accuses Casey of playing “jam band.” It sounds like Horny Chick now believes that Casey is gay. Not that there is anything wrong with that, unless you are a sexually frustrated cougar. Captain Jack gets booed for accusing Casey of making a lazy song choice and showing 0 emotion and 0 originality. Trained Seal wants to know if Casey was surprised to hear the criticism and of course the poser claims that he was not. I am surprised that it took the judges this long to recognize that Casey is a dull, boring poser.

Lee DeWyze, “The Boxer” by Simon and Garfunkel: Trained Seal promotes Coca-Cola’s ties to Idol Gives Back before asking Lee about losing his new BFF Andrew Garcia last week. Lee seems more bothered by the delay to the start of his intro video than he was about losing his roommate. Lee starts the song a little pitchy and fast but then settles in when the audience starts waiving their hands. He has clearly been working on his stage presence since he is looking more at the audience that he is at the mic. It is a bluesy little ballad that was very good once the pitch kicked in. I think we have found ourselves a dark horse. Big Sexy declares 2 yos and channels Drunk Chick when he predicts that Lee will have a great career. I had to work one Paula reference in now that Andrew is gone. Chicken Little E shows some tough love by declaring it to be beautiful. Horny Chick thinks this performance was better than the life changing performance Lee had a few weeks ago. Captain Jack also has a Drunk Chick moment by declaring it the best of the night so far, and then quickly realizes that there have only been 2 performances so far. He also thought Lee was brilliant, current, and emotional.

Captain Sully is in the house. Let’s hope he can inspire something besides Trained Seal’s iTunes plug.

Tim Urban, “Better Days” by The Goo Goo Dolls: Alisha “likes it in him,” the song I guess. Tim starts in a pitchy low register, and then switches to a pitchy middle register. There are some decent moments but his pitch is all over the place, so much so that it took me a couple of minutes to realize that I have heard this song before, but then that has never stopped Tim’s screeching fans from power texting their votes for him. Big Sexy utters only 1 yo and gets booed for calling it “OK karaoke.” Chicken Little E strains to make a joke comparing Tim to the “soup of the day” and then gets tough when she tells Tim that she did not like today’s soup. Horny Chick raves about the “new Tim” but then says that tonight’s performance was not his best. Captain Jack thinks that Tim has improved but took a step too far this week, changing tactics yet again to try and get Tim voted off the show. Trained Seal compares Tim to gazpacho soup because Tim is cool. Not to be outdone by the host two tweeners in the peanut gallery declare that “Tim, you rock!”

Aaron Kelly, “I Believe I Can Fly” by R. Kelly (from that Michael Jordan, Bugs Bunny basketball movie): Aaron claims he has been singing this song since his preschool graduation a few years ago. Alicia thinks we will know if Aaron did well if he is crying at the end of the song. We find out later that she may have mistaken Aaron for another contestant. Aaron is back to the sappy ballads that have gotten him this far along with his boyish looks and lack of a girlfriend. He is clearly trying very hard but his little voice falls flat when he gets to the big chorus. I give him an A for effort but only a C for performance because he is not crying. Big Sexy utters 1 yo and thinks Aaron has a huge voice for a giant song. Chicken Little E strains to make a joke about thinking she can fly in the 70’s, implying some illegal drug activity to make her appear tougher. Horny Chick thought Aaron took off and flew. Captain Jack claims he would have turned the radio off if this song came on it, a reference the MP3ers in the audience likely did not understand. Even still, he thought it was “quite good” and admired Aaron’s guts for taking on such a big song, a reference I do not understand.

Siobhan Magnus, “When You Believe” by Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston (from some movie that I have not seen): Siobhan’s creativity in wardrobe continues as she comes up with some feathery butterfly thing that could poke someone’s eye out. Again we get the emotionally restrained Siobhan and not the screamer that the judges love. It was a valiant effort of a song that Siobhan really had no business singing. Big Sexy uttered only 1 yo and gets booed for saying it was just OK, which means he would have thought that it was really good had it not been a Mariah/Whitney song. Chicken Little E disagrees with Randy but does not say why. Horny Chick of course thought it was technically good but is still confused about who Siobhan is, the technically good singer that she hates or the wild screamer that she loves. Captain Jack thought it was odd and old fashioned and was distracted by the butterflies, maybe because he thought they were leaves. Siobhan again fires back, telling the judges that she was not scared by who recorded the song and that the judges are idiots for trying to compare her to Mariah or Whitney. I have to say that Siobhan has thus far this season provided the best responses to the judge’s comments than any contestant in recent memory.

Michael Lynche, “Hero” by Nickelback (from one of the Spiderman movies): Trained Seal forces Michael to reveal his 200 song playbook that Michael chooses his songs from. In his video Michael talks about being outside of his comfort zone and I recall the last time he did that he needed Captain Jack to save him from elimination. He starts singing in tune but his guitar is noticeably out of tune until the string section overpowers it. Soon the song begins to overpower Big Mike and his semi-big voice, though his big note at the end was bigger than Siobhan’s. Big Sexy utters 4 yos dawg, and then talks about how Mike worked it out despite being worried about Mike’s song choice because band songs are more about music than vocals. You know what he’s sayin’? If you do please let me know. Horny Chick tells Michael that he did not have the voice for this song, and then earns a shot from me for apologizing when the audience boos her. Captain Jack felt that the performance was artificial because it was about Spiderman, a charge Big Mike denies rather than take like a man. Trained Seal then recommends that Mike and Simon have some one-on-one time to talk about their mutual love of the masked web slinger.

Crystal Bowersox, “People Get Ready” by The Impressions: I immediately admire the song choice not only because it is not from a movie but also because you cannot go wrong with The Impressions, even if you are a subway singer. Not only does Crystal start without her signature guitar, she starts out with no musical accompaniment at all and hits it out of the park on the first pitch. Best of the night so far and she has just started. The quality stays there when Ricky and the band finally join in, and by the end everyone, including Crystal and me, have goosebumps and are in tears. It’s Jordin and “You’ll Never Walk Alone” revisited. Big Sexy utters 4 yos and gives Crystal a standing ovation, though he stops short of calling it the greatest performance in the history of the show. Chicken Little E admires Crystal’s looks and personal mic stand but says nothing about the vocals. Horny Chick thinks Crystal schooled the other contestants and thanks Crystal for listening to her by putting the guitar down. Captain Jack was finally inspired and thought she sang it “fantastically.” Trained Seal wants to know why Crystal was crying at the end of the song, and it was because Crystal’s dad was in the audience for the first time. The producers break kayfabe by showing Crystal’s rehearsal performance during the replays, when she was not crying at the end, instead of the crying end that all of America had just seen.

And now, Glee’s tribute to Madonna. Parental discretion is advised.

The Final Score: 9 shots at Big Sexy Randy; 9 shots at Captain Jack Simon; 9 shots at Horny Chick Kara; 7 shots at Trained Seal Ryan; 7 shots at Chicken Little E Ellen; 2 shots at Ricky Minor and the band, 8 shots at the audience, and 6 shots at Alicia Keys the tormentor (to be honest, she deserved a lot more but I got so bored hearing her say the same things over and over that I stopped keeping notes). There were 13 references to former Idol contestants, 10 references to other non-Idol performers, and 2 references to Drunk Chick Paula. 2 Coca-Cola treatments, 1 iTunes plug with an Idol Gives Back twist, 0 name drops, 1 K-word utterances, 1 kayfabe violation, 15 yo’s from Big Sexy, 7 performances with the string section, 1 dark horse discovery, Sharks 2, Avalanche 1, 3 songs from movies, 2 strained jokes from Chicken Little E, 2 comic hero references, and 2 goosebumps this week, one for the Sharks and one for Crystal.

Your 3 Stars of the Night: Crystal showed tonight why she is the class of the field, that is until the tweener chicks get bored with her. Lee is now officially the dark horse in the field and has the tweener chicks on his side. The rest were all just about the same, so I’ll give half a star to Aaron for trying really hard to be emotional and Siobhan half a star for giving the judges the business without sounding like she was whining.

Idol Gives Back: I was 2 for 2 with my prediction of the elimination of Andrew and Katie. So now we are down to Crystal, Siobhan, and all but one of the guys, as I had more or less predicted a few weeks ago. So much for Big Sexy’s claim of this being a chick’s year, though there is still a chance that Crystal may end up outlasting the guys if she keeps up her pace.

The Fearless Prediction: I am getting tired of predicting Tim’s departure every time there is not an obvious loser, as is the case this week, so I’ll take a chance and not predict it this time. I can easily see him in the bottom 3 though. Michael’s post-save grace period should be close to ending so I foresee him in the relegation zone also. However, I think this week I feel inspired to predict that Casey will be the lowest vote getter this week now that everyone else is starting to see my point about how his is a boring poser. There were also fewer screeches for him compared to the other dudes. Now the real question is whether or not the producers will be inspired to send him home or instead try to give Crystal and Lee heart attacks by making them think they will be sent home before declaring everyone safe for another week.