My Kind of Town Disney World Is

No, I have not abandoned you all. I was busy with other cases the last two nights, but thanks to the DVR I can still give you my insights into America’s favorite television program only a day or two later. Yeah, like you all care. Since I watched both audition shows tonight you get a 2 for 1 special. I thought about mailing this in and just giving you a list of winners and losers, but that would not be fair to the 2 or 3 regular readers out there who might actually care.

Let us start in Chicago, the Jewel of the Midwest (among other names it seems) and apparently the home of a lot of angry people, at least that is what the Idol producers want us to apparently believe since they start the show with a bunch of swearing and one-finger salutes. Trained Seal then tries to use the fact that President Obama lived in Chicago to promote the show as if Obama was the guest judge. 12,000 contestants try to follow in Obama’s footsteps by lobbying the judges for the right for American voters to vote for them.

Tonight’s guest judge is Shania Twain, heralded by Horny Chick as someone who “wrote some of the greatest pop songs” in history. Now wait, Trained Seal just told us that Shania was a country singer. I am so confused. Shania enlightens us by revealing that she once peed her pants during an audition. Thanks for sharing Shania.

First up is 19 year old Katelyn Epperly from West Des Moines, IA. Katelyn immediately campaigns for Sob Story of the Night when she tells us that her dad had just left her and her mom and that she was auditioning to cheer her mom up after this tragic event. Katelyn has a decent voice and blonde hair, so take a guess what happens. That’s right, it is in your face dad, Katelyn and her mom are going to Hollywood!

Broadway baby Amy Lang from Westchester, OH, is next, and she is 10 tons of fun with her dancing boobs. Yes, dancing boobs, but hey, she only wants to have a good time. Amy also told Ryan that she had a wet dream about him, which along with Shania’s revelation about her on-stage “accident” is something I would have preferred not to know. Amy butchered an Aretha Franklin song and got three no’s, though she impressed Horny Chick with her “boob-boxing.”

Charity Vance, 16, from Little Rock, AK, was encouraged to try out for Idol by the customers at her parents’ hair salon. The judges are surprised by her good rendition of “Summertime”. For the umpteenth millionth time Big Sexy is surprised that a 16 year old can sing that well. After 9 seasons of 16 year old baby divas parading before him you would think Randy would have figured out by now that kids that young can actually sing.

After a parade of losers that the Idol producers love to show us during the audition shows, we are introduced again to Angela Martin from Chicago. I actually remember this chick who tried out in both Season 7 and Season 8. She was cut during Hollywood Week in Season 7, which she implied was due in part to her dad being killed before she left home. Then in Season 8 she made it to the Top 50 but had to drop out to because she had to go to court for a “traffic violation.” I guess they don’t have traffic school in Chicago or something. You would think that if it were only a traffic violation then Angela could have just applied for traffic school or at least get a postponement until after the chair show, but I guess not. Angela promises that this time it’ll be different. She works her way through a decent version of Mary J. Blige’s “Just Fine” that was not great, but then it probably did not need to be since she was more or less automatic to go to Hollywood anyway. Horny Chick is impressed that Angela “actually listened to the criticism” from the judges in seasons past. Yeah, that is why she is going to Hollywood, and if you believe that then I have a bridge I can sell you.

Day 2 begins with Curley Newbern, a 26 year old “parent” from Chicago. Unemployed I would guess. Untalented for sure. The singing sounded like steam from a kettle, and during his audition Captain Jack was laughing, Horny Chick was daydreaming, the guest judge was sleeping, and Big Sexy was looking out the window. Even Curley did not think he was very good as he walked out of the audition room before the judges voted.

Hot on Curley’s heels is 19 year old Alannah Halbert, a bookstore employee also from Chicago. Alannah has a hard time finding the key to her song so the judges of course try to give her one, which Big Sexy thought was just “wild.” When you need singing lessons during your audition then your chances of getting a golden ticket are not very good. It did not seem to matter to Alannah though, since she told Trained Seal afterwards that she had already forgotten what the judges had tried to teach her.

After a parade of losers shown like a silent movie, we meet 27 year old Army vet Brian Krause from Pittsburgh, PA. Brian wants to show his former staff sergeant that he will be the next American Idol, though singing Tiny Tim’s “Tiptoe through the Tulips” is probably not the best way to do this. After Captain Jack questions his sincerity Brian assures us on his mother’s life that his appearance was not a joke. I do not know what is scarier, that Brian is a substitute teacher or that Brian once carried a rifle.

Trained Seal whined about the lack of golden tickets in Day 2, and it only gets worse when 25 year old construction worker Harold Davis claims that he has spirit and soul and that he will blast off like a rocket in the audition room. Sadly his rocket was a dud. Harold claimed that it was because of his allergies but Big Sexy was not buying it. This leaves Harold in tears, so Randy tries to cheer him up by saying that he hoped Harold learned a lot from his audition.

Finally, we get a new loser’s medley that was such a highlight from last season’s auditions. In honor of the guest judge the losers attempt to sing Shania’s “Impress Me Much” with expected results.

John Park, a 20 year old student from Northbrook, IL, finally breaks the loser streak by showing off a nice, smooth voice that sends Shania into a cascade of sexually laced metaphors that turns Big Sexy on. Shania thought John had “a beautiful bottom end,” “nice lips,” and a “good head.” Afterwards Shania has no regrets and Randy needs a cold shower.

Trained Seal tries to pump up the remaining contestants and introduces us to our final contestant, 21 year old Paige Dechausse from Morris, IL. We had a sob story to start the show and now here is one at the end, as Paige talked about how she almost died after a bad asthma attack when she was 15. She does a decent rendition of Sam Cooke’s “A Change is Gonna Come.” Captain Jack thought it was too indulgent, probably because Paige closed her eyes during the entire song. Horny Chick and the guest judge both say yes and then lobby a wavering Big Sexy to give her a Hollywood ticket.

13 auditioners received tickets to Hollywood, including Justin Ray, Keith Semple, and Marcus Jones, who we hear for only about 5 seconds. The only reason I mention them is because after Kris Allen’s victory last year you never know if one of these unknowns will end up winning this thing.

We are off to Orlando for the second audition show, where 10,000 auditioners arrive on the same day as the launch of the Space Shuttle. Thus Trained Seal treated us to a number of space analogies along with a number of unnamed references to Disney World. Since Idol is on Fox instead of ABC I guess Ryan cannot use the name of any Disney property, at least until he takes Disney over as part of his plan to rule the world.

Trained Seal tempts fate by revealing that the judges are not at the audition. Could it be that kayfabe will finally be broken and Ryan will tell us that the initial auditions and the judging are not held on the same day? Nope, guess again. Instead Trained Seal follows his marching orders and claims that he, Simon, and Randy flew in after a short vacation in Miami.

Orlando’s guest judge is Kristen Chenowith, who immediately bonds with Horny Chick. Apparently Kara really does miss Rehab Girl after stealing Paula’s job because she claims that she needs another chick to bond with, even though all of the guest judges so far have been fellow chicks.

The first contestant from Orlando is 22 year old Theo Glinton, a hairdresser from Fort Pierce, FL, who vamps into the audition with a cape and silver discs glued to his face. He sings Pat Benetar’s “Heartbreaker” with a better voice than someone wearing a cape and silver discs should have, but not good enough to convince the judges to give him a yes. Like so many other contestants this season Theo thought he was another Jennifer Hudson, who apparently has become the patron saint of Idol losers judging by how often they evoke her name after they get rejected.

We see a parade of no’s highlighted by someone in a chicken suit and another person dressed as a gargoyle. Trained Seal then brags about the bond the two chick judges have formed in just a few short hours together.

Seth Rollins, 28, from Lakeland, FL, is the first of three promised sob stories of the night, as he tells us about his son with autism. Other than that Seth seems like a normal guy, quite odd for this program. Seth shows off a good voice while singing “Someone to Watch over Me,” which impressed Kristen the Broadway vet. Kara wants to keep hearing him while Randy wants more vibe. Seth gets 4 yeses and a big hug from his son.

24 year old student Jermaine Purifoy from Cleveland, TN auditioned in Season 7 but was rejected, and now is back for more. He has a decent voice that I thought was a little pitchy, but pitchy man Big Sexy thought it was the best audition of the season. Kristen likes the purity, Horny Chick likes the honesty, and this time Jermaine is off to Hollywood.

The last contestant from Day 1 in Orlando is Shelby Dressel, an 18 year old waitress from Avon Park, FL, who is sob story number two. Shelby suffers from a condition where the right side of her mouth is paralyzed. Shelby does a nice imitation of Norah Jones while singing “Turn Me On”, despite only singing on one side of her mouth and forgetting the lyrics about two-thirds of the way through the audition. It was good enough for the judges to award her with 4 yeses and a golden ticket.

Day 2 begins with Kristen being summoned back to Broadway so we are back to the classic 3 judge format with Captain Jack, Big Sexy, and Horny Chick in the middle. I guess Kristen and Horny Chick did not bond as well as Trained Seal told us they did. The first auditioner is 25 year old music student Jay Stone from Miami. Despite being a music student Jay chooses to make noises instead of singing “Come Together”. Horny Chick is in ecstasy over the Michael Winslow impersonation and says yes on the spot. Randy challenges him to actually sing a song, but Jay’s singing of Bill Withers’ “Ain't No Sunshine” is drowned out by Kara and Randy making noises. Horny Chick convinces Big Sexy to say yes and he is off to Hollywood.

Janell Wheeler, Brittany Starr Jones, and Kasi Bedford all get 5 seconds of air time and tickets to Hollywood, though they have really cool names.

Cornelius Edwards, 24, from Boynton Beach, FL, tells the judges that he learned how to dance from his friends who are male strippers. After saying that he is going to sing Tina Turner’s “Rollin’” (instead of Ike and Tina Turner’s “Proud Mary”) I’m thinking that he is auditioning for the wrong Fox show. His singing does not change my mind until Cornelius does a split that lands with a big thud on the floor, causing every woman in America to jump and every man in America to wince. Captain Jack admires the sacrifice and says yes for that reason alone. Randy and Kara concur and he is off to Hollywood.

Cherry Hill, NJ, sisters Bernadette and Amanda Desimone stroll in together with tall hair-dos and short dresses. Bernadette, 27, goes first and does a rushed version of “Hit the Road Jack.” Then Amanda, 23, does a less rushed version of Whitney’s “I Wanna Dance With Somebody” that sis mouthed and danced along to from the side. Horny Chick loves the Jersey girls, while Captain Jack thought Bernadette was being “crazy naughty” during her sister’s audition. The sisters beg the judges to say yes claiming that “the show needs us.” Yeah, like a kick in the head, or an actual singer. The begging worked as the judges say yes.

28 year old graphic designer Jarred Norrell from Marietta, GA, prepped for his audition by dancing on the beach to get his buzz on. Jarred sounds like he has a buzz from a different source. Jarred attempts “Amazing Grace” because he has “gotta give it up for God.” The judges wish that he just give up. I thought he sounded like a buzz saw. Horny Chick one ups me by asking “Oh good Lord, what was that?” and comparing his voice to a lawn mower. Jarred starts losing it because he cannot believe Kara is serious. That’s not Rehab Girl sitting there pal; you ain't getting the positive treatment from the chick judge this year. Like other Psychos of the Night Jarred starts to sing again rather than accept his good advice and leave. Unlike other Psychos of the Night Jarred is led out of the audition hall in handcuffs by security and a deputy sheriff.

The last performer in Orlando is 25 year old Matt Lawrence, who manages his father’s trucking company in Starke, FL. Matt is sob story number 3 since he spent 4 years behind bars for robbing a bank with a BB gun when he was 15. The big guy sings “Trouble” with a big ole’ country voice even though he has a hard time staying in rhythm. All the judges love Matt’s authenticity, another common theme of the night besides Disney and the space shuttle, and he gets 3 yeses. Horny Chick then channels Rehab Girl by predicting that Matt will be in the Top 12.

31 Hollywood tickets were awarded in Orlando, more than any another audition site so far. Next week the auditions are from LA with Katy Perry joining the judges. We will see if I will be able to post the recap within 24 hours of its airing.

Your Three Stars of (Both) Nights: Charity Vance and John Park impressed me the most from the Chicago auditions, and normal guy Seth Rollins was the only one who impressed me from Orlando. Honorable mention goes to Katelyn Epperly from Chicago and Matt Lawrence from Orlando.