She's a Little Bit Country

For the fifth time in nine seasons American Idol has come to Atlanta for auditions. It is Trained Seal’s hometown, which may explain why American Idol has been there more than any other city. Perhaps my dad is on to something about his theory about Ryan taking over the entire entertainment industry.

By the way, I refuse to refer to Atlanta as Hotlanta, and this will be the only sentence that you will see this mutant word. Just so you know.

It is with a heavy heart that I write this as I am watching the footage from Haiti. It is just indescribable.

Tonight’s guest judge is Mary J. Blige, the Empress of Soul who has actually sold some records recently, unlike almost of the other judges both permanent and guest, not to mention the tor-mentors the producers have paraded out in recent years. I imagine Mary J is the Empress of Soul because the Queen of Soul name has already been taken and is still very much alive, though it was hard to find Aretha Franklin behind that hat she wore at the Obama inauguration.

But I digress…

10,000 auditioners arrived at an unnamed sports facility to do some group shouting and try and bribe the producers to let them come back a month or two later to entertain the judges and all of us. The judging was held at yet another unnamed hotel, but this time the contestants had to travel up a glass elevator to the 27th Floor to meet the judges. Of course this unique feature was played to the hilt by Trained Seal throughout the show.

Our first contestant is Dewone Robinson, a 27 year old sales associate (i.e. retail salesman) from Atlanta. Dewone has music in his blood, or so he says. He claims that his great uncle discovered the Pips, though no mention of former Idol guest judge Gladys Knight, and that another relative was a drummer at Motown. Dewone attempts a self-written number that is almost always (with 1 exception last season) the kiss of death. Sure enough that was the case here, though Dewone blamed his shaky performance on Captain Jack’s interruptions when he started. Simon, to be fair, gave him another chance and it was obvious that it wasn't the interruptions.

During the first break there was a Kris Allen sighting. He’s in a new Ford commercial for all of about 10 seconds. But at least he was there.

Our first good contestant was Kela Johnson, 26, from Memphis, TN. Kela won the Miss Congeniality prize at a Miss America warm up pageant and it was clear that it was because of her nice, pleasant personality. Kela has a nice voice too, though her choice of one of Celine Dion’s Titanic songs was not one of her brighter decisions. She still got 4 yeses and a golden ticket though. Horny Chick said yes because Kela didn't make funny faces when she sang.

Miriam Lemnoimi, Noel Reese, and Tisha Holland all got 10 seconds of air time and tickets to Hollywood.

26 year old church singer Jermaine Sellers from Joliet, IL, told us about his mother with spinal bifida that he has been taking care of. Despite his attempt at a sob story Jermaine impressed the judges with good voice by putting an R&B groove into Joan Osborne’s “One of Us”. Horny Chick was in love (though Jermaine did not ask her out), Big Sexy thought he had “skillz,” and Mary J thought Jermaine was anointed. All Captain Jack said was that Jermaine was going to Hollywood.

Christy Marie Agronow just turned 25 and told us about her job as a TV hostess for a local Atlanta show “411: The Show”. One wonders why a show with a title like that is not nationally syndicated. Christy does an over-emotional version of Pat Benetar's “Love is a Battlefield”, which Horny Chick sympathized with. Captain Jack told Christy that she should change her TV show name to 911. I wonder why no one advised Christy to try out for Trained Seal’s job.

19 year old Vanessa Wolfe comes from the smallest town in Tennessee, Vonore. Vanessa spends her time in Vonore jumping off bridges, thankfully into water. If you think Vanessa needs to get out more she would be the first to agree with you. Vanessa walks into the audition room very nervous but still manages to sing a decent version of some country song with an authentic country twang. All 4 judges like her authenticity and give her a ticket to Hollywood. Vanessa is so excited that she will be flying in an “aero-plane” for the first time in her life. Hmmm, that sounds familiar...

I wondered if Jesse Hamilton had even been on an aero plane after he talked about how he almost died three separate times, including one time when Jesse’s cousin almost shot him. We know this thanks to the cheap dramatizations put together by the producers. Horny Chick apparently didn't read her notes because she got all upset at Captain Jack when he asked Jesse to confirm that he almost died. The 26 year old from Anniston, AL, was too scared to sing Garth Brooks “The River” so Big Sexy suggests Jesse sing “If Tomorrow Never Comes” instead. Jesse still struggles with that, leading Mary J to break down in either tears of laughter or tears of sadness. It was hard to tell since Mary J hid behind Horny Chick to get out of sight of the camera and from Jesse. Even though Jesse finally got some words out it was not enough to go to Hollywood.

Holly Harden, 20, from Rockmort, GA, walked into the audition room as The Human Guitar. Holly wore the outfit for Halloween and because her friends liked the costume so much she thought it would work for Idol too. Holly looks and sounds just like Kellie Pickler, the second one tonight to lead me to think of the country girl from Season 6. Holly too has a decent country voice. If only the guitar sunglasses were not so distracting. Horny Chick voted yes because Holly is “ballsy” for wearing the costume. Both Mary J and Big Sexy voted no, leaving it to Captain Jack to decide Holly’s fate. The next shot is Holly dancing out of the elevator with a golden ticket.

20 year old Mallory Haley from Winner, SD, lives up to her name by earning a ticket to Hollywood, even though she was the one-millionth contestant to sing “Piece of My Heart”. Mary J thought it was the best vocal of the audition.

Antonio “Skiiboski” Wheeler, 22, from Orlando, FL, waltzed into the audition room full of confidence and smooth moves. His shirt even had his name on it, though until Big Sexy pointed it out he didn't know that the printer left out the second “i.” Skiiboski sang a decent version of “Grapevine” (his name for “I Heard It through the Grapevine”) with a couple of extra moves and words thrown in. He tells the judges that he is “like a dollar store… you can have everything you want in one package and it ain't gonna cost you more than a dollar.” Seriously, I don’t make this stuff up. Horny Chick can feel him and says yes. After that line I am not surprised. Mary J likes the voice but not the image yet still says yes. Big Sexy is lost but still says yes, meaning Skiiboski is off to Hollywood even though Captain Jack said no.

BFFs from Baxley, GA, 19 year old Carmen Turner and 18 year old Lauren Sanders, come together into the audition room and engage in some silly banter with the judges. Before heading up the elevator Trained Seal asks them how they would feel if one of them made it and the other did not, all but guaranteeing that this would in fact happen. Lauren goes first and threatens to sing “ in My Pants”, but instead chooses a more standard number and does OK. Carmen is louder and according to the judges a little better. Guess which of the two the blonde is. Captain Jack doesn't want to break up the “Ditz Sisters” but the other three judges all say yes to the blonde Carmen and no to the brunette Lauren. Afterwards with Trained Seal Carmen seems more upset about this development than Lauren.

Captain Jack leaves the room to take a powder, leaving the remaining three judges to deal with a bunch of sour sounding Southern belles and The Singing Cop. Bryan Waller, a 25 year old police officer from Sevierville, TN, sang “Superstar” in the style of former Idol winner Ruben Stoddard and leaves the remaining judges stunned. Apparently none of them ever thought that a cop could sing (Didn't they ever see "Cop Rock"?). This one could and so he is off to Hollywood.

20 year old Lamar Royal from Goldsboro, NC, promises us that he will respect the judges’ opinions and that he welcomes constructive criticism. Yes, I’m sure you can see what is coming too. Lamar shouts out some unknown song that Big Sexy thought was torture. Horny Chick doesn't want to say that Lamar is a bad singer and Lamar clearly doesn't want to hear it. Both Randy and Kara try to give Lamar some good advice but Lamar doesn't want to hear that either, so instead he starts singing again. Lamar finally shuts up to hear this piece of advice from Mary J: “You have to find some humility in order to do this, and pull back and stop trying to exalt yourself and that’s what you’re doing. You’re running.” I’m not sure what it means but it must have been good because Lamar looked seriously hurt by it. It did sound nice and thus it is the Line of the Night. Lamar starts singing again so it is time for security to make its nightly appearance. On the way out Lamar shouts out some curse that Horny Chick did not think was cool. Lamar continuing that cursing while travelling down the elevator, storming through the lobby, and then strutting out into the street. It is hard to believe that someone could earn Psycho of the Night honors without Captain Jack in the room, but anything can happen on American Idol.

Our final “contestant” is General Larry Platt, a 62 year old veteran from Atlanta who was let in solely to close the show with an original song, “Pants on the Ground.” It’s a catchy little tune that puts the judges in tears and inspires both Big Sexy and Captain Jack to go buy a belt afterwards. General Platt also managed to do the splits not once but twice. Like “Brothers Forever” two seasons back this song is destined to be relived at the finale in May.

25 Hollywood tickets were issued in Atlanta, and they all were asked to sing the pants song before going home to pack their bags.

Next Tuesday American Idol goes to Chicago with Shania Twain as the guest judge. Hopefully it’ll only be an hour show and I'll be able to finish the recap before midnight, though these recaps have allowed me to see Conan and Dave crack jokes about Jay Leno.

Your Three Stars of the Night: Jermaine Sellers, Mallory Haley, and The Singing Cop Bryan Walker were the best of the evening. Kela Johnson was pretty good, and if you like country you can send some love to Vanessa Wolfe and The Human Guitar Holly Harden.