Revolution Number 9

OK boys and girls, it's January, it's cold, Fox has aired it's last BCS bowl game, so that can only mean one thing; this will be the last Tuesday night that I'll be able to go to bed at a reasonable hour because American Idol is coming back.

Yes, the singing sensation that has swept the nation survived an offseason that saw one of the judges leave, another of the judges threaten to leave, the previous season runner-up embarrass himself on national television, and the previous season winner pretty much disappear, just as I predicted back in May. Yes, I know Tender Dawg's debut album debuted at #11 on the Billboard charts back in November, but where it is now? Try #59. Meanwhile, the frumpy Susan Boyle from Captain Jack's other show has the #1 album in America right now and last season's runner-up Adam Lambert's album is at #29. In other Idol news Chris Daughtry's second album is at #53, David Archuleta's Christmas album is at #80 (I'm still waiting for that rehab stint I predicted 2 years ago), Kelly Clarkson's album is at #144, Carrie Underwood has 2 albums on the charts at #146 and at #156, third place finisher Alison Irahata's album is at #165 (and no, I haven't bought it), Daughtry's first album is still on the charts at #173, and Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon is at #91. I know Pink Floyd has nothing to do with Idol. I am just amazed that it is still on the charts. I thought it was like an urban legend or something. No sign of Katherine McPhee (though rumor has it that she has an album out) or David Cook, who I have not heard any rumors about since he stopped dating that reality TV star whose name escapes me at the moment.

Yes, I did try and add in as many former Idol contestants as I could into that last paragraph. I have to rehearse too, you know.

Speaking of Pink Floyd, that is about where my knowledge of popular music ends, so one of the things that I like about Idol is that I get to learn about all the pop stars that the kids like but don't make the news for cutting their hair off or going into rehab. Jason Mraz and Snow Patrol are just 2 examples of artists that I would have never heard of had I not been watching Idol and taking notes as I did so.

I suppose the reason why all of last year's contestants except for Broadway Boy have disappeared into the mist is because the media attention paid to Idol this summer and fall has been the circus going on behind the judges' table. My favorite judge Paula Abdul officially left the show back in the summer for reasons that to this day she refuses to fully explain. Or perhaps she is just unable to. In her place came a parade of celebrity fourth judges during the auditions, and come February we will see the debut of Ellen DeGeneres as the full time judge. The biggest challenge for Idol this season will be to try and justify having a stand-up comic/daytime talk show host who cannot sing judging a singing competition without having it look like the show jumped the shark. The second biggest challenge will be for me to figure out a politically correct nickname for her.

But seriously, how did the producers pull Ellen's name out of the hat? Was Oprah not interested? Was Tyra Banks too busy? You mean to tell me that out of the thousands and thousands of female singers out there they could not find a single one willing to be paid millions of dollars to make incoherent comments and serve as a comic fodder for Simon Cowell? This sure smells like a jumping the shark moment to me.

And now the rumor mill is filled with stories that Captain Jack will be leaving after this season in order to blackmail Fox into greenlighting his singing competition show The X Factor. Some have speculated that this is why Simon has not said anything about the Ellen hiring, given how often he got on Kara DioGuardi's case last season for being a bad judge of singing ability. Horny Chick has been silent about the Captain Jack rumors but both Randy Jackson and Ryan Seacrest (who my dad still thinks is trying to take over the world) have coyly suggested that there are no truth to them. Like Simon would tell either of those two. Piers Morgan, who does a decent Captain Jack impression on America's Got Talent, is the odds-on favorite to replace Simon should he decide to leave, though Morgan seems more interested in promoting The X Factor than campaigning to take the captain's place. Second choice right now is Sean Combs for reasons that I have no clue about. I don't ever remember Puff Daddy/P Diddy/Puffy/P Buffy ever even being a guest mentor on Idol. At least Ellen appeared on the Idol Gives Back shows. I wonder what the odds are on Ted McGinley?

Variety is reporting that the Idol producers decided to ditch the 36 semi-finalists idea that they used last season and go back to the 12 boys/12 girls format they used in Seasons 4-7. Apparently this decision was based on focus group research (which may also explain the Ellen hiring) and on the belief that having 36 contestants allowed a few folks to get into the semis last season who perhaps should not have. Funny, using the 12/12 format in Season 6 didn't stop Sanjaya Malakar from getting into the final 12. How soon they forgot about you Sanjaya...

So everyone get your pencil and paper out because here is the Idol Season 9 schedule:

Tuesday, Jan. 12: Season Premiere, Part 1 – Boston Auditions Episode
Wednesday, Jan. 13: Season Premiere, Part 2 – Atlanta Auditions Episode
Tuesday, Jan. 19: Chicago Auditions Episode
Wednesday, Jan. 20: Orlando Auditions Episode
Tuesday, Jan. 26: Dallas Auditions Episode
Wednesday, Jan. 27: Los Angeles Auditions Episode
Tuesday, Feb. 2: Denver Auditions Episode
Wednesday, Feb. 3: “The Road to Hollywood” Auditions Episode (previously known as "The Best of the Rest" episode)

Tuesday, Feb. 9: Hollywood Round, Part 1
Wednesday, Feb. 10: Hollywood Round, Part 2 (a whole night of Group Day, oh, joy)
Tuesday, Feb. 16: Hollywood Round, Part 3
Wednesday, Feb. 17: Hollywood Round, Part 4 – Top 24 Semifinalists Announced (no word on whether or not they'll be using chairs or the judges' mansion again - maybe Paula took the mansion with her in the divorce settlement)

Tuesday, Feb. 23: Top 12 Female Semifinalists Perform
Wednesday, Feb. 24: Top 12 Male Semifinalists Perform
Thursday, Feb. 25: First Results Show – Two Male and Two Female Contestants Eliminated
Tuesday, March 2: Top 10 Female Semifinalists Perform
Wednesday, March 3: Top 10 Male Semifinalists Perform
Thursday, March 4: Results Show – Two Male and Two Female Contestants Eliminated
Tuesday, March 9: Top 8 Female Semifinalists Perform
Wednesday, March 10: Top 8 Male Semifinalists Perform
Thursday, March 11: Results Show – Two Male and Two Female Contestants Eliminated; Finalists Revealed

Tuesday, March 16: Top 12 Finalists Perform
Wednesday, March 17: Top 12 Results Show
Tuesday, March 23: Top 11 Finalists Perform
Wednesday, March 24: Top 11 Results Show
Tuesday, March 29: Top 10 Finalists Perform
Wednesday, March 30: Top 10 Results Show (the Idol summer tour lineup is set)
Tuesday, April 6: Top 9 Finalists Perform
Wednesday, April 7: Top 9 Results Show
Tuesday, April 13: Top 8 Finalists Perform
Wednesday, April 14: Top 8 Results Show
Tuesday, April 20: Top 7 Finalists Perform
Wednesday, April 21: Idol Gives Back returns (Top 7 Results? We'll find out, after the break)
Tuesday, April 27: Top 6 or 7 Finalists Perform
Wednesday, April 28: Top 6 or 7 Results Show
Tuesday, May 4: Top 5 Finalists Perform (1 song or 2?)
Wednesday, May 5: Top 5 Results Show
Tuesday, May 11: Top 4 Finalists Perform (will we see the duets again?)
Wednesday, May 12: Top 4 Results Show
Tuesday, May 18: Top 3 Finalists Perform (without Paula picking the song for one of the contestants how will we know which of the 3 will be eliminated?)
Wednesday, May 19: Top 3 Results Show
Tuesday, May 25: Top 2 Finalists Perform at the Nokia Theater (will they be forced to sing one of Horny Chick's songs again?)
Wednesday, May 26: The Season Finale (the Season 9 American Idol is crowned; lots of confetti is dropped; lots of awkward group and duet performances; followed by a 20 page recap by yours truly)

I have no idea how I am going to find time to write all of these recaps. The judge's docket is a little more crowded this year compared to the last 2, so I cannot promise that I'll have my recap up before the next sunrise or before the Vote for the Worst.com guys do. I can only paraphrase the infamous Idol auditioner William Hung: I'll do my best.