Don't Look Back

We begin the ninth season of American Idol with a quick recap of the Season 8 finale, “the most spectacular finale in history” according to Ryan. We’re only 30 seconds into the new season and Trained Seal is already in mid-season form. The opening sequence also briefly mentions Paula leaving and Ellen’s pending arrival during Hollywood Week. Ryan also throws some sob story previews at us.

After the world famous intro, including Season 8 winner Adam Lam…, I mean Kris Allen, we are in Boston, where 9,000 potential American Idols wait in the rain at Foxboro Stadium for the opportunity to come back later when it is nice and sunny to perform for the fab four in some downtown hotel. Trained Seal later attempted to explain the difference in weather between the stadium and the hotel by claiming that the weather cleared up. I love how the producers still try to keep up the illusion that the auditions and the judging are on the same day and at the same place.

Tonight’s guest judge is Posh Spice, also known to football fans as Mrs. David Beckham, to her many fans as Victoria, and to her friends as V. I’ll go with V because it is easier to type and I would like to be her friend.

Our first contestant of the evening is Janet McNamara, a 26 year old accountant from Somersville, MA. If I have learned anything from doing these Idol recaps it is that the first contestant of the season is always bad, and Season 9 was no exception. Janet claims that she learned how to sing from the American Idol video game, and then promptly makes the programmers look real bad. Captain Jack looks ready to jump out of the back window, which unlike last season in New York doesn't fall on him. After Horny Chick critiques Janet’s performance she claims that Paula always liked her in the video game, which comes as no surprise to anyone except Kara, who believes from that comment that Janet thought she was Rehab Girl.

Contestant Number 2 is 16 year old Maddy Curtis from Bluemont, VA. Maddy is the 9th of 12 children and has been taking care of her Down’s Syndrome older brother along with two younger brothers with Down’s that her parents adopted. I think I will stop there with the snide comments and instead point out that she did a nice job with Leonard Coen's “Hallelujah”. All 4 judges liked her authentic sound despite the nervousness that I for one did not hear. Maddy got 4 yeses and the first Season 9 golden ticket to Hollywood.

Pat Ford, 17, from Derry, NH, took time out of entertaining the crowd in the waiting room with white guy break dancing to dance and holler in front of the judges. Horny Chick likes Pat’s moves but no one was thrilled with Pat’s singing, especially Captain Jack who is again ready to jump out of the window. Pat of course thought that he “did awesome”. Big Sexy makes his first appearance of the season to tell Pat that he should quit singing forever. He was just keeping it real of course. Pat gets a hug from Horny Chick but no ticket to Hollywood.

The Ford moment of the day featured Jennifer Hirsh, Claire Fuller, and Jess Wolfe, three chicks who didn't do enough to get lots of TV time but did enough to get Hollywood tickets. Well, it worked for Kris Allen.

28 year old Amadeo Diricco brought a big Italian family from Providence, RI, and a big Italian attitude to his audition. He belted out Muddy Waters’ “Hoochie Coochie Man” with lots of passion but with not so much singing talent. However, all of the judges liked Amadeo's spirit and gave him 4 yeses. Maybe it was because Amadeo invited them all to dinner with the family along with the rest of America. I’ll give him credit for singing a Muddy Waters song on American Idol. Amadeo got a big family hug from his brothers when he came out of the audition room, so big that they almost strangled both him and Trained Seal.

Next up was Derek Hilton, a 19 year old “spiritual kind of guy” from Bellingham, MA. He claimed his voice was a cross between Chris Brown and The Eagles, and while he had 1 or 2 good notes there were hundreds of others that were not even close to either Chris Brown, The Eagles, or anyone else. I've never heard Chris Brown but I bet he doesn't sound like Derek. After getting four no’s Derek leaves the hotel disappointed, thinking that he could have “touched America in a totally different way.” I’m afraid to imagine what he meant by that.

After a parade of losers and tears, we are introduced to Mary Doyle, a 24 year old amine freak from Walpore, MA who makes her own kimonos and claims to have auditioned hundreds of times. She rushed though Janis Joplin’s “Piece of My Heart”, but apparently it was not fast enough for Captain Jack. After hearing Simon’s criticism Mary whines that “you can’t really say that to me” because “everyone says that I’m good,” including 2 vocal judges. Big Sexy is surprised to hear that she has had vocal coaching. Captain Jack reveals that he wanted to go to the moon but didn't and that Mary should follow his good advice, that is if she can figure out what Simon was advising her about. Indeed, Mary is not buying it and by doing so she put herself in the running for Psycho of the Night.

We quickly see Luke Shafter from New York City and Ben Bright from Rome, NY, get golden tickets.

Then comes 25 year old Andrew Fenlon from Boston. Andrew is full of anger from having to wait all day in the holding room for his audition. At least he didn't get sent back out in the rain like those other scmucks back at the stadium. Captain Jack reads Andrew the riot act after Andrew acts like a smart ass during the Q&A. After stumbling through “House of the Rising Sun” Horny Chick rips into Andrew for being upset about waiting so long to audition and attempts to make him feel guilty for his bad attitude. Andrew thinks Kara was reading too much into his attitude. After Captain Jack claims Andrew has “bad energy” Andrew wants to have a little conversation about his attitude, claiming that his anger was in fact confidence. After some more yelling from Horny Chick she, V, and Big Sexy say no. Captain Jack then provokes Horny Chick further by voting yes before Andrew is escorted from the audition room.

After some more losers we hear from Ashley Rodriquez, a 21 year old Berkeley School of Music student from Boston. She does a nice version of an Alisha Keys song and has both the look and the sound, or “It” as Captain Jack calls it. 4 strong yeses and a ticket to Hollywood.

19 year old Tyler Grady from Nazareth, PA, comes into the audition room with both of his wrists taped. Apparently he fell out of tree and broke both of them, but that doesn't stop Tyler from pursuing his big break. Tyler is a drummer who wants to be a front man, and if you ask Horny Chick and V he’s ready for that role without singing a note. Big Sexy asks Captain Jack “are we even here?” a question I've wanted to ask Randy for years. Tyler has a decent voice to go with the look and gets 4 yeses to Hollywood.

Day 2 begins with a lame attempt by Trained Seal and Idol’s graphic artist to explain the history of Boston using caricatures of the judges. No sign of Paula sadly. This is followed by Lisa Olivero, a 24 year old waitress from Billerica, MA, who has a nice booty but a nasty voice, which she shows off by screaming her way through Mariah Carey’s “Vision of Love”. Well, if you are going to scream a song you can’t go wrong with Mariah Carey. Captain Jack thinks it was the craziest rendition of a Mariah Carey song that he had ever heard, which is saying something given how many Mariah songs have been butchered on this show over the years. Horny Chick, showing off her impressive talent evaluation skills, tells Lisa that she should practice more as if that would help.

18 year old Mike Davis, an actor who performs on a speedboat named “Codzilla” in Boston, performs a decent though unspectacular version of The Beatles' “Yesterday”. Horny Chick tells Mike that she wants to hang out with him, and the cheeky guy actually asks Kara out for a date. While Big Sexy was not happy with his voice, Mike gets yeses from the other judges. Trained Seal broke the news to Mike later that Horny Chick says that to all the male performers and that he really has no chance of getting anywhere with her.

90 minutes in and we finally get to the first contender for Sob Story of the Night. It is 16 year old Katie Stevens from Middlebury, CT. Katie takes care of her grandmother who is suffering from Alzheimer’s. She even learned Portuguese in order to talk to her grandma who is from Portugal. Katie wants to do well on Idol while her grandma still remembers who she is. Now that’s sweet. Katie does her grandma proud by singing a strong rendition of Etta James’ “At Last”. After 4 equally strong yeses Katie is greeted at the door by about 50 people, all except for grandma who hears the news over the phone and still remembers who called her.

Joshua Blaylock, a 28 year old from New York City, does a bit pitchy but decent rendition of an unidentified song (there were plenty of those tonight). V likes Joshua’s little voice, but Captain Jack was bored. Both Simon and Big Sexy urge Joshua to be a little more assertive. Randy asks Joshua to tell Simon to shut up, while Captain Jack asks Joshua to get on Big Sexy’s case when Randy says that he sees Joshua as a Spandau Ballet type singer. The assertiveness training seemed to work as Joshua was given a Hollywood ticket.

Katie’s rival for Sob Story of the Night is Justin Williams, a 27 year old vocal coach from Sandy, UT (David Archuleta’s home town I believe) who was diagnosed with cancer 7 years ago. He’s cancer free now and impressed the judges with his torch singer voice. 4 yeses and a ticket to Hollywood soon followed.

After a short montage of V just to remind us that she was the guest judge tonight, we meet 18 year old Norbeto Guerrero from Reading, PA. Norbeto is sporting a big puffy hairdo, a beard, and some interesting attire. He does a dirge rendition of some song and then forgets the lyrics because he is so nervous, or so he claims. Big Sexy gratuitously allows Norbeto to try again but it is not much better. Norbeto inspires Captain Jack to utter tonight’s Line of the Night, saying that Norbeto “sang like a 3 year old girl, dressed like LaToya Jackson, you've got a beard, the whole thing was just too weird.” V tries to make Norbeto feel better by telling him that she too forgets the lyrics sometimes, but then behind his back she tells Captain Jack that she thought Norbeto was dressed like Janet Jackson instead of LaToya.

Bosa Mora, a 22 year old from Columbus, OH, is the son of immigrants from Nigeria. Bosa's mom wears a traditional Nigerian headdress to the audition that elicits a smart ass comment from Trained Seal. Bosa has a decent voice but some goofy facial expressions that Captain Jack thought was boring. V finally shows some Rehab Girl sassiness by questioning why Captain Jack always rolls his eyes. After telling Big Sexy that he is “ready to work,” on what we don’t know, Bosa gets a ticket to Hollywood.

Our last contestant of the evening is Lea Laurenti, a 22 year old from Medford, NY who claims to have lived a sheltered childhood. She belts her way through “Big Skies”, which I thought drowned out the soul of the song but the other judges thought was a soulful rendition. Well, what do they know? That being said, Lea had one of the better voices of the night and is going to Hollywood.

All in all 21 of the 9000 auditioners in Boston are going to Hollywood, or are in Hollywood right now if the Idol dream machine is to be believed. Tomorrow it’s the Atlanta auditions where we were promised some more swearing than what we had to endure tonight.

Your Three Stars of the Night: Ashley Rodriguez was the best of the night, which naturally leads me to wonder if she is a ringer. Maddy Curtis and Katie Stevens followed close behind, with honorable mentions to Justin Williams and Lea Laurenti.