The Ex-Crew She Ate In

I am getting a late start to this because I wanted to see the end of the USA v. Mexico futbol match, so let’s see if I can get this posted before the clock strikes midnight.

So we have reached the final audition show for Season 7, the “best of the rest” as Ryan calls it. The “we need one more hour of Idol audition shows” show as Fox considers it. Maybe they should have another audition instead, but then there aren’t too many Southern cities left for Idol to go to.

First out of the chute is a quickie audition by 26 year old Luke Reeder from Hollywood, Florida. He’s singing a song that sounds familiar but I can’t quite figure out which one it is, mostly because he’s going into spasms and shouting incoherently as if he's become possessed by evil spirits. Simon thinks he’s mad, but at least he’s not acting like a stalker like some others did this year.

Then we get our first real singer, 25 year old Amy Davis from Lowell, Tennessee. She claims that she’s from a lower than lower middle class background, which usually bodes well for a contestant’s chances on Idol. She doesn’t disappoint, singing Linda Ronstadt’s “Blue Bayou” with a rich tone, good projection, and a bit of a working class edge to it. Randy’s digging the possibility in her voice, but only agrees to send her to Hollywood if she promises to work hard. No problem for a workin’ woman like her, so she’s off to Hollywood.

21 year old gospel choir singer Tiffany McCampbell from Anderson, Indiana proclaims that God has given her the singing voice. Randy’s all excited about that. Simon, though, heathen that he is, wonders why God “just decided to one day give it to you.” She shouts out “Hallelujah” but not the version you hear at Christmas. Simon wonders if God has a return policy. “If I was given that I’d give it back,” he advises McCampbell, who takes Simon’s witticisms without any resistance. God bless her.

After a parade of duos we get our only trio of Season 7, twins Corey and Chris Lane, 22 from Kernersville, North Carolina, and their friend Ashley Larring, 19 from (I hope) nearby Maiden, North Carolina. Seems a love triangle has developed between these three. Ashley first fell for Chris but now prefers Corey, though Chris still seems to pine for her. She is kinda pretty and came to the auditions in a short black dress so I can see why the guys are falling for her. Not much upstairs, it first appears, with any of them though. The twins are on first and do an original rap song about another pair of twins from another season. I couldn’t catch the name of the other twins but it doesn’t matter because Chris (I think) can’t remember the lyrics to his own song. So they get 3 no’s and in comes Ashley with a puppy. When Simon threatens to keep the dog (“Panda”) Larring tells Simon that he can have “whatever you want” in a classic Southern accent if she is put through to Hollywood. Since the last audition proved how much Simon values religion you can imagine the look on his face when he heard that. Ashley’s got a lot of Kellie Pickler in her and sure enough she sings Picker’s song “Red Heels”. She may have Pickler’s accent, attitude, and perhaps IQ but sadly not her voice. She wonders why Simon thought it was “ex-crew-she-ate-in” and asks “is it opposite day?” Opposite to what? In a surprising sign of brilliance the twins outside admit that Larring isn’t a good singer and that she only has her looks going for her. As the three leave the audition Larring thinks that the judges are “dumb, they don’t know talent," though apparently her boyfriends do.

We are then introduced to Carlin McKinney, a 20 years old waitress from Nashville. She looks about ten years older than she really is and sounds that way to. But I mean that as a compliment. She radiates a lot of maturity for a 20 year old. She keeps it Old School with “When I Don’t Leave” from Dreamgirls. It’s a little pitchy but she has a nice range. It’s all a little too mature for cradle robber Simon, but both Randy and Paula say yes.

After the break we meet plus size model JoAnne Borgella, 25, from Hoboken, New Jersey. She’s got a Queen Latifah look about her, and not just because she’s a plus size model. We hear that she sang The National Anthem at Madison Square Garden before a college basketball game, impressing both Randy and Paula. Maybe Paula was impressed because she’s never performed at the Garden. Oh, that’s right; she was a Laker Girl once so I guess that counts. Borgella sings “I Love You” by Celine Dion and it’s clear that the song is too big for her voice. She’s got a good tone, though, and she has a very pretty face. Simon says no with no explanation. Some might say it’s because Borgella isn’t thin and blonde but he’s been passing on a lot of them this year so I don’t know. Randy and Paula say yes, though, and she’s through to the next round. I kind of like her.

Next comes a thin blonde, 19 year old Alesha Stezel from Ontario, California. She too tries a Celine Dion song, “Surrender”, and to me she sounds a lot like Gwen Stefani. Randy and Paula, though, think she sounds more like Dolly Parton. Simon doesn’t believe it, but maybe because Stezel is thin and blonde Simon says she can try again if she can learn a Dolly Parton song. Neither Stezel nor her mother, who honestly looks a little like Dolly Parton, know any of Dolly’s songs. Ryan tries to teach her “9 to 5” but it’s not sinking in. Must be his delivery. She canvasses the crowd and the Internet and comes back with “Islands in the Stream.” It is a little better. Simon decides to bale out of this one and instead let’s Randy and Paula decide. They both say yes and she gets an unexpected gold ticket to “Dollywood”. After Stezel leaves Simon admits that Paula was right, she did sound like Dolly Parton. Paula’s so overjoyed that Simon admitted he was wrong that she hugs Simon and sits on his lap. For a moment it looked like she would give Simon a full lip lock, but she settles for high-fiveing Randy instead. Simon then goes on to admit that he was disappointed with how that turned out because he was convinced that it would suck and he could make a scene criticizing Stezel, Randy, Paula, Ryan, Dolly, and everyone else.

After a stripper and a cusser we have 25 year old Joshua Moreland from West Palm Beach, Florida, who goes by the stage name “Sjay Smove”. It’s original, I’ll give him that. He claims to be an R&B recording artist but I have the feeling that he’s not a ringer. He tries to impress the ladies with his shimmering red hoodie and by doing pushups before his audition. The ladies sitting with him look unimpressed. He tries out his own song “Beautiful Lady” almost completely in falsetto. The judges, even Paula, are not impressed, even though he added a nice visual touch to his performance by gently tossing confetti while singing. Simon first asks Paula to sweep it up, and being a Modern Woman Paula blows him off. Simon then turns to the next one up the chain of masculinity, Ryan, to come in and do it, but before Ryan can get a broom a young female stage hand comes in to do the sweeping. Simon now comes over and accuses Ryan of being patronizing and instead tries to sweep it up himself, only to fail miserably at the task. Turns out the only reason Simon got up was because the cameras were rolling. I guess he chose to take Vanity 101 in boarding school instead of Floor Sweeping.

More Simon after the break as we get a montage of him gripping, complaining, not knowing what city he’s in, and mangling contestant’s names. I noticed that there’s been no Randy montage so far this season, though Simon pretty much dominated Paula’s as well as his own.

A returnee from last season’s auditions, 22 year old Chekeze Ezze from Inglewood, California (former home of the Lakers) comes in and sings Luther Vandross’ “All the Woman I Need”. He sang it so well I wonder why he was turned down last season. Both he and the judges talk as if he auditioned in front of them last season, but I don’t know. Simon still doesn’t think he’s interesting. Randy watched the whole audition with a mean ol’ scowl on his face and then took a long time to make a decision, leading the audience to think that he would be rejected again, but Randy apparently said yes because Ezze came out with ticket in hand.

Danny Noriega, 17 years old from Azusa, CA, is billed as the last auditioner of 2007. He too is a returnee from last season and admits to the judges that he messed up then and was better now. He sings the Ike and Tina Turner version of “Proud Mary” and like Ezze I wonder why he was turned away last year. He gets 3 quick yeses and the last one in the room gets to go to Hollywood.

The show closes with a highlight package of the auditions, including only 5 seconds of Renaldo Lapuz singing “Brothers Forever”, and then we get a preview of the hell known as Hollywood week where apparently everybody yells at each other. Kind of like my job. (I’m just kidding, in case anyone I work with is reading this)

The Final Score: 163 total tickets to Hollywood. A whopping 7 digs at Simon, but only 2 at Randy, 2 at Paula, and 2 at Ryan. No Psychos of the Night or One to Feel Sorry For. And only 1 reference to a former Idol contestant. But then, it only took me an hour to write this. Can you say “phone it in?”

The Stars of The Night: I liked JoAnne Borgella the best, though she wasn’t the best singer. Amy Davis was pretty good. Both Chekese Ezze and Danny Noriega were good but one wonders given what happened last year if they can duplicate that again. Still they have potential.