It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

All right now, Season 7 of American Idol has finally arrived so no more blasts from the past. I took 5 pages of notes so that you, my faithful audience of maybe 5 people, can get the best recap that I can offer.

Yeah, I know how lame that sounds. Seriously, these intros are the hardest part to write, since the show recap pretty much writes itself.

I'm going to try a straight recap and see how that goes. If I'm still typing at 1 am (it's 10:45 now) I may reconsider this approach. When Idol gets to the competition stage I'll revert back to writing the recap as it happens. I've also taped the show on my brand new DVR just in case I need to go back and check something.

The first auditions for Season 7 are in Philadelphia, where each member of the biggest crowd ever to show up for an Idol audition proclaim that they are the "next American Idol." The scary part is the 90% of those folks probably really believe it.

Our first contestant is Joey Catalano, who sang Maroon 5's "Sunday Morning." His looks are towards the geeky side but he's got a good voice. He also claims to have lost 200 pounds (no, not for the show), though I didn't see any stretch marks. Still, it's three yeses and a ticket to Hollywood.

Next comes Alaa Youakeem from Egypt, or "Yuka" to his friends which now include, he hopes, every woman in America. He loves the ladies and wants to fall in love from "his head to his nipple." Seriously, that's what he said. I can't make stuff like this up. He also says that he thinks Paula Abdul is a good singer. Paula, noticeably flattered, can't bring herself to say no even though Yuka badly sang the Bee Gees' "How Deep is Your Love". Instead she says that she is impressed with how he "phonetically learned" the song. Like I said, this stuff writes itself. A no for the love machine.

One of Season 5 winner Taylor Hicks' back-up singers, Melanie Nyema, is next. Couldn't catch the song title. She slurred about half the words but she got enough of them right to convince Randy and Paula to say yes.

Then there is Philly tour guide James Lewis, who sang "Go Down Moses." He claims that he sounds like a cross between Paul Robeson and Eddie Vedder. He sounds more like a cross between The Hulk and Frankenstein. Randy and Paula can't stop laughing, they even try to hide their faces from poor Mr. Lewis. When Randy can't bring himself to say anything he starts singing again, which quickly brings Randy to his senses. Even though it's a definite no, so bad that Ryan Seacrest called his audition one of the worst ever, Lewis claims that he'll try again next year and sing something a little more up tempo.

After the break and a few no-name rejects we hear from Junot (pronounced like the movie title, the "t" is silent) Joyner, who sings Elton John's "The Blues." Nothing special but it works, so he's off to Hollywood.

Jose Calendera gets about 10 seconds and a ticket to Hollywood, with an accent.

Jonathan Baines gets even less time but nevertheless another golden ticket.

Then we meet 16 year old Temptress Brown. She's built like a middle linebacker, and sure enough she plays that position on her high school football team (she didn't say if it was the boys team or an all-girl squad). Her mother is absolutely huge. I would make fun of her but she's sick and Temptress is singing for her. Sadly, not very well. She tries "I'm Not Going Anywhere," the song that got Jennifer Hudson an Oscar and LaKesha Jones a 4th place finish last season. The judges are having a hard time telling her no, especially when she starts crying. Simon, Paula, & Randy all walk her outside the audition room and talk to her family. After that I'm finding it hard to say anything bad about her, though I could think of a few harsh things to say to the producer that chose to air her audition.

After a much needed break, more losers. Mark Cohen shows that he can mimic the sound of a cricket. You can probably guess what happens next. Then Uri Sampat does his version of "My Way." He claims his co-workers loved his monotone style but the judges, even Paula, are tending to disagree. Uri tells the judges that he expected to go to Hollywood. Simon tells Uri that he is "nuts." Uri walks out claiming that the judges got it all wrong and that "they weren't feeling what I was feeling." I don't know what he was feeling but I hope that there is a prescription available to get rid of it.

We then get the Medley of Losers that is included in every audition show. This time the butchered song was Joan Jett's "I Love Rock and Roll." If you wondered why so many bad singers pick the same song you are not alone. The folks at Vote for the Worst.com claim that the producers make them sing it.

Another staple of the audition shows is the psycho who goes nuts when the judges reject them. Tonight it's Alexis Cohen from Allentown, PA. In her pre-audition profile she seems relatively calm even though Ryan Seacrest has already labeled her "Philly's scariest woman." She comes to the audition wearing incense perfume and sparkles on her face and sings Jefferson Airplane's "Somebody to Love." She sounds much like Janis Joplin, so much so that Randy Jackson recommends that she join a 60's cover band. Simon thought her performance was a bit possessed and then claims she reminds him of William Dafoe (not to her face fortunately). Alexis leaves the audition and goes on a profanity filled rant, mostly about Simon, and declares that she's now going to try acting. Her mom tries to calm Alexis down by explaining Simon's just that way because he is British, but that doesn't seem to help. She leaves the arena declaring "I will be victorious." God help us all.

We now meet 26 year old Angela Martin from Chicago. She had a baby girl when she was 17 who now suffers from Retts Syndrome. About 10 friends and family come to the audition with her (though noticably her daughter's father is not one of them) as she sings Stevie Wonder's "Signed, Sealed, Delivered" for her daughter. She has some bad singing habits from her job as a wedding singer but she's got the look and some potential. Yeses for Hollywood all around. When she comes out with the gold ticket both she and Seacrest get tackled to the ground by the entourage.

The obviously overage Milo Turk gets into the judges room anyway to sing "No Sex Allowed". He's a social worker that wants to send a message to all the young people watching. With a leopard skin vest he's sending a message all right, though perhaps not the one he's thinking of. Paula's loving it, Simon's hating it, Randy is just amazed.

Back to reality, our next contestant is Cristy Lee Cook, who lives in a log cabin in Oregon. She trains horses and is training in mixed martial arts. Yes, the cage fighting stuff like UFC. After some snide comments from Simon regarding jello wrestling Cristy shuts him up with a nice rendition of "Amazing Grace." Like Angela, she's got the look and a voice with potential, especially in the country genre, so she's off to Hollywood.

Ben Haar walks in wearing a full length cloak, which he takes off to reveal a belly dancing costume. Or maybe a eunuch outfit, it's hard for me to say. Paula says that his chest hair is distracting, so he offers to go get it waxed off. Paula says "sure" like a drunk ordering another beer, and sure enough he takes Paula up on her dare and comes back hairless. He then threatens to sing the Pussycat Girls "Don't Ya" before he is hustled out of the room.

Paul Marurano sings a song that he wrote about Paula, which contains about 30 words that rhyme with "her." Yes, "stalker" is one of them, and he's got that look in his eye to go along with it. Randy can't seem to stop laughing about all the rhymes. In true Paula fashion she thanks him for the song as he is escorted out.

No joke, the next singer is Beth Stalker, a club singer at night who recorded a Jesus album when she was 4 years old. She sings "Bewitched, Bothered, & Bewildered" and was OK. Simon found her indistinguishable and says no but the other two judges say yes and off she goes to Hollywood.

There is a Commerce shoe commercial where "everyone is a star." Insert the words "thinks he/she" and I can hardly think of a better underlying theme for this show.

Chris Watson says that he wants to be a legend and says that Nirvana and the Red Hot Chili Peppers are his influences, though he definitely doesn't look like a grunge rocker. He sings "Follow Me" by Uncle Cracker. He's got the look and a very good voice, so a definite yes. Simon says that the "chicks" are going to like him and he's probably right. Maybe the best audition of the night.

Star Wars fan and admitted "dork" Christina Tolisano comes in wearing Princess Leia hairpieces and a Star Wars fan buckle. She says that she wants to get out of her hometown so that she doesn't have to be a correctional officer. Somehow I think she'd be well suited for a career in law enforcement. She also says that "men love me," though I suspect her opinion is skewed because of the crowd that she probably hangs out with. She does a decent version of "Don't Let the Sun Go Down On Me" but not good enough to go to Hollywood. She then goes off on a rant about how all the contestants look and sound the same and how the show needs people like her that are different. Her 80+ year old grandparents just stand there and smile like all loving grandparents of geeks do.

The final Philadelphia auditioner is Brooke White, a nanny from L.A. who has never smoked, drank alcohol, or seen a R-rated movie. Is she really from L.A.? She sings Corinne Bailey Rae's "Like A Star" and was very good, comparable to Rae herself. Randy likes her purity and innocence, which Simon threatens to lure her away from. She kind of reminds me of someone that I work with actually. She's off to Hollywood.

Final Score: 29 tickets to Hollywood, 7 digs at Paula, 5 Simon paraphrases, 4 psycho singers, 1 reference to The Hulk, and no references to Chris Daughtry, but it is only the first show of the season.

The Stars of the Night: Of the folks going to Hollywood that the producers let us see the ones that stood out were Joey Catalano, Angela Martin, Cristy Lee Cook, Chris Watson, and Brooke White.

It's now 12:22, so we'll try this again tomorrow. Good night.