I Coulda Been A Contender, I Coulda Been Somebody

Tonight's American Idol auditions were from Omaha, Nebraska, the first Idol visit to the city that Ryan Seacrest proclaims is "famous for its corn." The corn theme continues on for a few more minutes, thus neglecting someone of the other things that Omaha is famous for like its steaks and the insurance company that sponsored Marlin Perkins' Wild Kingdom. I always loved how Perkins would narrate from his cozy study (complete with a fireplace) while his assistant Jim Fowler had to do the dirty work like wrestle a tiger or something. Kind of like Ryan Seacrest's job.

Omaha is also the hometown of Marlon Brando, the inspiration for tonight's title. If I need to explain the connection, or for that matter Wild Kingdom, then I'm getting too old to be recapping this show.

We begin without the lovely Ms. Paula Abdul, whose plane is fashionably late, leaving only the boys to judge 25 year old Chris Bernheisel from Fremont, Nebraska. He says that this audition is the greatest moment of his life because he finally gets to realize his dream of being insulted by Simon Cowell. He arrives on set bearing gifts for the judges and unveils a picture of himself with Kelly Clarkson. Even with Clarkson as inspiration he still butchers her famous song "Since You've Been Gone." His audition, though, was spirited if out of tune, complete with a sloppy handstand. After the judges pan him Bernheisel offers to audition for Seacrest's job, doing a "live from the red carpet" spiel. Simon tells Bernheisel to contact the Fox affiliate in Omaha and ask them for a job hosting the finals and that Simon himself would endorse it. Bernheisel flips out as if he won a golden ticket and leaves in jubilation. His Dad and grandma trail behind him with a "I can't believe this dork is my offspring" look on their faces.

Next up is another farm boy, 21 year old Jason Rich from Stout, Iowa, population 500. He tries the Keith Whitley version of "When You Say Nothing At All" but can't seem to get past the first line, which is a shame because it sounds like he has a good voice. On the fourth try he finally remembers the lyrics and gets through the audition. Randy and Simon decide to give Rich another chance and award him a ticket to Hollywood.

Rich's performance leads to "You Forgot The Lyrics", featuring a bunch of contestants who can't remember what they are singing but with voices that are far worse that Rich's. One of the unidentified singers, though, gets style points from me for making lyrics up as he went along.

Paula finally arrives to "come to Simmy" from Mr. Cowell. Sure, she may act like she's inebriated half the time but that's no reason to great her like one would a 5 year old. Shame on you, Simon.

Following Paula's dramatic entrance is arm wrestling tomboy Rachel Wicker from Richmond, Missouri. She wrestles Ryan to a draw and then challenges Simon, who will have none of it. She sings "Don't Tell Me" by Lee Ann Womack, another country song that I've never heard of and had to look up on Wikipedia. She's got a decent country voice, though it inspires Randy to complain that all country singers tend to sound like they are yodeling. Even more off the rocker, Simon thinks it sounds like a comeback attempt by someone at the end of their career. Say, isn't Paula coming out with a new album? Simon's of course a no but Randy and Paula say yes. Paula then accepts the arm wrestling challenge and tries to win by distracting Wicker by complementing her on her skin.

Speaking of women with odd physical hobbies, we next see 25 year old Sarah Whitaker from Council Bluffs, Iowa. Iowa is famous for its wrestlers, and sure enough Whitaker wrestled in the pro ranks under the moniker "Lady Moore". Her gimmick includes a goth look, an evil laugh, and a Ric Flair chop to the chest that knocks the wind out of Ryan. She's does some show tune that I can't make out enough to even look up on Wikipedia, and despite a quiet "yes" from Paula (so quiet I had to rewind the DVD twice to hear it) it's two no's from the boys. Perhaps Vince McMahon might be interested, but then again like Simon (hell, like most guys) Mr. McMahon seems to prefer Playboy blondes instead.

Ryan then pops his head in and asks why Whitaker was turned away, leading to a lengthy tête-à-tête between Seacrest and the judges that eventually leads to all three judges challenging Ryan to judge the next contestant. Ryan tries to back away but with his manhood being challenged for the second time in 5 minutes (counting the Flair chop as #1) he decides to take the bet and switches places with Paula.

In walks the unsuspecting next contestant, 22 year old Samantha Sibley from Los Angeles. She does a double take as she walks in when she sees Paula outside and Ryan inside. Ryan is goaded into asking Sibley the standard questions and not following up with the usual mindless banter. Sibley sings Norah Jones' "Don't Know Why" and sounds a lot like Jones, though perhaps a second rate version. Ryan says he likes her voice but criticizes her lack of showmanship and the fact that she kept moving around, drawing more criticism from Randy and Simon and causing Paula to leap back into the room to add in her two cents. Ryan has enough and somehow manages to get out of the room in one piece, though he brings out one final round of guffaws by using the wrong door (the running joke from last season's auditions). After Ryan leaves all three judges admit that they agreed with Ryan on the showmanship thing but they, like Ryan, all say yes. The fact that Sibley stood there patiently while the kids had their fun and still managed a decent performance might have had something to do with it. I wonder if this is the last that we will hear of Judge Ryan Seacrest, especially after Simon ends the bit by saying how horrible it would be if he had to judge with Ryan.

We then get short snippets of good auditions by Elizabeth Erkert, Denise Jackson, and Michael Sanfilippo. I guess they were too good to get any lengthy camera time.

After the break we meet 17 year old Angelica Puente from Kenosha, Wisconsin, this week's One to Feel Sorry For. It seems Puente and her parents had a falling out and she moved out of the house to live with her grandma. All ties are not lost, though, as her father agreed to pay for her trip to Omaha for the audition. She's visibly nervous as she walks in. Simon advises her to imagine Randy in a bikini. Now there is a mental image that neither Puente nor I nor the rest of America needed. Puente sings the Celine Dion version of "The Power of Love" (funny, no one ever sings the Huey Lewis & The News version) and Simon's advice didn't seem to help. She's got a good voice but you can literally hear the nerves. Both Randy and Simon think it was a poor imitation of Dion but still think she has promise, so it's 3 yeses and a trip to Hollywood on American Idol's dime. Ryan makes the Sync Call of the Night, sponsored by Ford, to give Dad the good news.

I haven't had much opportunity to make reference to Chris Daughtry like I used to, so the producers decided to help me out by featuring a number of rockers apparently inspired by The Man, though most of them look more like Bo Bice than Chris Daughtry. One of them is 24 year old bartender David Cook from Tulsa, Oklahoma. He's sporting a Mohawk haircut with hair on the side, because you can only go so far towards the wild side in Tulsa. He sings Bon Jovi's "Livin' On A Prayer" like a dirge but still shows off a good voice. Again the judges say he needs to work on his presentation, something Daughtry didn't seem to have a problem with when he was on the show, but still gets 3 yeses.

18 year old Scottsbluff, Nebraska resident Johnny Escamilla's inspiration comes not from Chris Daughtry but from James Brown, complete with a flashy gold jacket that the Godfather of Soul would be proud to wear. At the start of his audition Paula suddenly launches into a hiccup fit that sends Simon into a tissy fit. Adding to the plethora of physical comedy, Escamilla sings "Shout" by "Otis Day and The Knights" while jumping around on the stage, perhaps trying to imitate James Brown in some way. Poor James must be spinning in his grave right now. Now I know I'm too old to do these recaps, because I know that "Shout" was by The Isley Brothers and not Otis Day and The Knights, who were a group of singing actors in the movie Animal House. And let's not forget that a group from Liverpool, England called The Beatles did a well known cover of this song too. Not only did Escamilla get the singers wrong but he butchered the song too. The only good thing about his performance was that it cured Paula's hiccups. He comes close to Psycho of the Night material by telling Simon "that's how I perform it in Scottsbluff" as if that were a good thing. Betcha the folks in Scottsbluff might have another opinion. By default he wins the psycho award because that's as close anyone came to vowing to show the world how talented they really are.

Tonight's Medley of Losers, for some odd reason, is Stealers Wheel's "Stuck In The Middle With You". Wikipedia claims that the song is "mistakenly attributed to Bob Dylan", but I've always thought the lead singer sounded like George Harrison. Here I am showing my age again.

The final auditioner from Omaha is Leo Marlowe from Charlotte, Iowa, population 200. He's apparently very popular in Charlotte as he tells the judges that his mom wanted to raise a Homecoming Queen and got him instead of a girl. I'm not sure what that means, though I could venture a few politically incorrect guesses. Marlowe does a good rendition of Donny Hathaway's "A Song For You", which no doubt Paula will make him sing again if he makes it into the final 3 (see my Season 5 recaps for an explaination if you need one, I'm in full Dennis Miller mode tonight). His performance was the best of the night, eliciting a touchdown signal from Paula (yes, the football one), a "you rockin' the bells" from Randy (another thing I'm not sure of the meaning of), and a more legible "absolutely yes" from Simon.

The Final Score: Lots of love to spread around tonight. 19 tickets to Hollywood, 6 digs at Paula, 5 digs at Simon, 2 digs at Randy (though I neglected to mention his purple glasses), 2 digs at Ryan's manhood (though surprisingly none from Simon), 1 dig each at Huey Lewis and Paula's plane, 4 references to Chris Daughtry (putting me back to my seasonal average), 3 references to my age, 3 references to Wikipedia, 2 references to Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom, and 1 reference to Kelly Clarkson, which is rapidly becoming a regular feature of these recaps, mostly because it's becoming a regular feature of these auditions.

The Stars of the Night: Leo Marlowe, the Homecoming Queen his mom always wanted, was the best of the night. Samantha Sibley deserves kudos for enduring the mayhem between the judges and Ryan and still doing a decent performance. Jason Rich and Angelica Puente show promise if they can somehow calm their nerves, maybe picturing Paula in a bikini might help. Or Marlon Brando.