Dallas, Texas, Hollywooood, I Ain't Asking For Much

Night 2 of Season 7 brings us to Dallas, Texas, where auditions are being held for the first time since Season 1. The Season 1 auditions produced the first Idol winner and NASCAR spokesperson Kelly Clarkson, a fact that viewers were reminded about over and over for the next two hours.

One thing you can say about Clarkson; no matter how many Idol winners delude the pool she will always be the first. I wonder how she feels about Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson?

Like last night's show from Philadelphia our first contestant is a good one, 24 year old Jessica Brown. She's a recovering meth addict who entered rehab just two years ago and appears to have cleaned herself up pretty well. She sang "I'll Stand By You" from The Pretenders pretty well too. Hopefully she won't be tempted to relapse when she arrives at that seedy Hollywood, because she's going.

Next we have big ol' country dude Paul Stafford from Crosby, Texas. He shows a lot of enthusiasm but little talent while singing Elliott Yamin's "Wait For You." Paula thinks it's one of the most joyful auditions she has ever heard (that short term memory loss again). So far we've seen someone sing a Elliott Yamin song and saw Taylor Hicks' back-up singer, but no one has tried a Chris Daughtry song yet even though he's outsold both of them combined. Yeah, not like he cares.

Singing waitress Beth Maddox is a big Kelly Clarkson fan but doesn't do her idol justice with a screeching rendition of Clarkson's "Beautiful Disaster." Simon asks if she ever gets any tips.

Following a parade of losers we see Elena Whitaker, who's a big fan of not Kelly Clarkson but Carrie Underwood. She must not be a Cowboys fan. She sings Faith Hill's "Stranger" and handles it well. Simon finds her to be a little too arrogant (pot, meet kettle) but votes her to Hollywood anyway, along with Paula and Randy.

Bruce Dickson is a 19 year old virgin through and through. He's never kissed a girl and is so naive he's willing to admit it on the most watched show in America. Randy asks "on purpose?" in reaction. He tries Bill Withers' "Ain't No Sunshine." It's OK, kind of borderline, but gets a no. He asks for advice from the judges and gets this from Randy: "Kiss some girls;" and this jewel from Simon: "Avoid Ryan on the way out." Yes, Simon still seems to think that Ryan Seacrest is gay. Not that there is anything wrong with that.

Pia Easley is a model and musician with an interesting hair style. She sang an unidentified Gladys Knight tune. She has an interesting voice to go along with her interesting look, particularly at the bottom end. She gets 3 yeses and is headed to Hollywood.

Brandon Green grosses out Ryan by revealing his hobby of collecting his fingertip clippings and carrying them around in a baggie. When asked why he's auditioning he says that it's because he doesn't want to be like Britney Spears. I suspect Britney doesn't want to be like Britney any more either. He sings Hall & Oates' "Rich Girl" with a Southern tone to his voice. He defends Simon when Simon says no, which Randy starts teasing Green about for about a full minute. Simon asks Randy "are you playing with someone's career with your ego?" Ultimately no, 2 yeses from Randy and Paula and he's off to Hollywood.

2 yeses also for the next auditioner, Kayla Hatfield from Campbell, Texas, though you might be surprised by the breakdown. Kayla survived a nasty car crash and lost sight in one eye, but despite that she has this really happy attitude. Her squeeky speaking voice is replaced with a deep throated Janis Joplin medley. Simon defies stereotype and says yes because she's "slightly mad." Not to be outdone, Paula also defies stereotype and says no. Randy breaks the tie and sends Kayla into a dance to Hollywood.

The final auditioner on Day 1 was Kady Malloy, an 18 year old from Houston. She proclaims that she can imitate Britney Spears and does a decent job of it. Then after imitating some other singer that I couldn't identify (let's be honest, I don't get out much) she does a couple stanzas of "Unchained Melody" and does them well. She's by far the best looking female we've been allowed to see. She could pass for Jessica Alba's sister. Simon proclaims her audition to be the best he's heard so far. I don't know if it was that good but with the looks and a decent voice she may go far.

Day 2 starts with Douglas Davison, a 28 year old student. Douglas apparently considers Christina Agulera to be his voice coach and refrains from talking until he walks into the audition. Then, after a brief but awkward warm-up he warbles through Bon Jovi's "Livin' On A Prayer." He clearly needs more lessons but he doesn't give up. He starts warming up again and tries to sing some other song that no one is able to identify. He repeats this pattern at least twice more before security escorts him out. While Randy and Simon try to get him to stop Paula, as usual, tries to accentuate the positive, telling Douglas that he projected his voice better on the latter unidentified song. Davison proclaims later that he thought he was pretty good, sealing his award as Psycho of the Night.

Next comes newlywed Angela Reilly, whose professional model hubby picked out the songs for her audition. She tries The Supremes' "Baby Love" and it is bad, bad karaoke. Hubby Chad, who Randy invited into the room, proclaims it to be "awesome". The guy looks like a model and apprarently has the IQ to match. The judges ask Chad for another song for Angela and he picks Pat Benetar's "Hit Me With Your Best Shot". Sadly, she does that one just as bad. Chad still thinks it's great and proclaims that he would buy that song if he could. Did I mention that Chad is a professional model? To prove that vanity runs in pairs Reilly asks "was that really bad karaoke?" One wonders what grade point averages their children will have.

Kyle Ensley is introduced as a wanna-be politician studying at Oklahoma State University. Ensley is a geek-lookin' feller so I wonder how well he'll do in the political arena. Paula, for reasons never explained, is "so optimistic" about Ensley even before he sings a note. After he sings the Queen version of "Somebody to Love" Paula is not some optimistic, but Simon apparently now is. After proclaiming that it was "not as bad as I thought it would be," Simon surprises Paula and Randy and votes yes. Randy's a no, so Ensley starts politicking Paula until he convinces her to say yes. Maybe he's got a future in politics after all.

After seeing contestant after contestant with all the enthusiasm one can stand we get Tammy Tuzinski from Grapevine, Texas, who appears to have OD'd on Prozac. She sings Celine Dion's "The Power of Love" as if she is channeling Steven Wright, then shows almost no emotion when she is told no by all three judges. At least she didn't go off on a rant about how the judges got it all wrong and how she will one day be victorious. I'll give her credit for that.

Fuzzy haired guitarist Colton Swan from Oklahoma sings "Boondocks" by Little Big Town. I like his voice even though he has some funky mannerisms. All three judges do too and he's off to Hollywood. The judges and Colton then conspire to fake out his parents and Seacrest by at first pretending that he was rejected.

After the break, we see a bunch of guys in dresses. I'll let that sink in for a second.

Then we meet their polar opposite, farm boy Drew Poppelreiter from Saltillo, Mississippi. He could pass as the brother of fellow Mississippian Brett Favre. His parents, sittin' on their porch, say that all Drew wanted to do was farm until he discovered singing. They make it sound like it was a bad thing. He sings George Strait's "Check Yes or No" and he has that old tyme country thing goin' on. Randy's diggin' it but that English feller Simon doesn't. Paula wavers for a bit before finally saying yes, likely just to upset Simon.

Kyle Renick is a child counselor that wants to be the next Chris Daughtry, complete with the "guy-liner" around his eyes. He sings a rather demonic version of Kelly Clarkson's "Never Again" that would scare small children as well as all three judges. Hard to fathom that this guy is a counselor to kindergartners. Three no's to go along with the looks of fear.

Tonight's Medley of Losers, as you could have probably guessed from the moment the show started, was Kelly Clarkson's "Since You've Been Gone." This group included a woman dressed as a witch (complete with the green skin paint). What some people won't do to get on TV, even for 2 seconds.

The Kelly Clarkson theme continues with contestant Nina Shaw, whose connection to Clarkson is their shared home town of Burleson, Texas. Shaw looks a lot better than Kelly though, I must say. She does a night club version of Whitney Houston's "Run To You," which Simon immediately pans, but Randy is so taken by her looks that he, along with Paula again, vote yes.

Finally, we have Renaldo Lapuz, the "Birdman" from Reno, Nevada. He walks in with a white suit, a silver cape, and a white hat with wings on it. He also has Simon's name on the hat, and when Paula asks why he says that it's because Simon is famous all over the world. Lapuz has another reason but Randy doesn't want to hear it. He sings his own composition, "We're Brothers Forever," which consists of the about 8 lyrics that are repeated over and over and over some more. The judges can't maintain their composure and start to join in the singing. Randy brings Ryan in and they start singing and dancing with Lapuz. Paula tries to do some fake sign language interpretation that you might expect someone with a few drinks to do, then starts to bust some moves that you would expect only Paula could do. Simon never leaves his seat but encourages him to continue and gives Lapuz a hug at the end. Renaldo then continues to heap praise on Saint Cowell, proclaiming him to be "heaven's chosen." Because my recap just cannot do it justice I found this clip.



Final Score: 24 contestants going to Hollywood, 10 comments about Simon, 6 about Paula, 4 about Randy, 6 references to Kelly Clarkson (though the show itself had about a dozen more), 2 references to Britney Spears, 2 references to Chris Daughtry, and 1 song that I still can't get out of my head 2 hours later.

The Stars of the Night: Not too many this go around. I have to agree with Simon that Kady Malloy was the best. Others that positively stood out were Jessica Brown, Elena Whitaker, and to a lessor degree Colton Swan. Not a big night for the dudes, except for maybe Birdman.

"I am your brother, your best friend forever..."