Über and Done With

We have finally reached the end of another American Idol season, and just like previous years and my Size 34 pants it seems like the audition shows were decades ago.

Last week I dismissed the idea that the Hannah Montana set was controlling the show, but after pre-season favorite Danny Gokey was eliminated in favor of pre-teen idol Kris Allen I am beginning to think that my assessment was wrong. Then again, the last two seasons have seen the pre-teen favorite (Blake Lewis and David Archuleta) make it all the way to the finale before other forces eventually prevailed. One reason for this may be that while the pre-teeny boppers unite around one contestant the rest of America split their votes among the other contestants, and only when one candidate emerges from the pack are they strong enough to take on the tweener’s choice. Another possibility is that the tweeners lose their power just before the finale when their parents receive the $300 phone bill their daughter has rung up power texting their favorite and exercise their power to take the cell phones away. Will that happen to Kris Allen this year? We’ll soon find out.

We are live from the Nokia Theatre as the Idol producers diss the Kodak Theatre for the second straight year. With the Lakers-Nuggets game going on next door at the Staples Center one can only imagine the traffic jam around Downtown Los Angeles today. Then again, it is probably not all that different from what is usually the case, one reason why I no longer live there. That and the constant coverage of live car chases on L.A. TV stations that just annoy me. Just to remind us that there were auditions the show starts with a flashback to the audition videos of both Adam and Kris. Of course, the producers did not think that Kris was interesting enough to feature in the auditions. He still is not all that interesting but you have to give him credit for making it this far despite the producers’ best attempts to put Danny Gokey in the finale instead.

Trained Seal welcomes the multitude of celebrities in the house who are not attending the Lakers game and strains to come up with catchy nicknames for Adam and Kris, deftly skating around Adam’s orientation. Captain Jack is wearing the one sports coat that he owns and only wears for the finale. Big Sexy is decked out in a suit this year too instead of his usual trendy black. The chicks are dressed as usual. Trained Seal then goes over the rules and pimps tomorrow’s results show. He was nice enough to warn us in advance that the 2 hour show will go long and to set your DVRs accordingly. Good job, Ryan, now here’s a mackerel.

Adam Lambert – “Mad World” by Tears for Fears, chosen by Adam himself for Year You Were Born Week: In his intro video, sponsored by Coca-Cola, Adam’s parents talk about how he screamed all the time when he was a kid. Even Adam admits that he is still the same way now. Adam does the stair decent again, only this time he is smothered by an über-active fog machine. Interesting that after all of his screaming this season Adam chooses the one song that he did not scream through. Once again it is a haunting rendition of the song, though this time Adam doesn't look like he is about to have a nervous breakdown. I did not blow me away like last time but it was still decent. Big Sexy loved that Adam sang something that he sang during the season and gave him an A+. But, were not the contestants required to choose a song they sang this season? Big Sexy must not have been paying attention when Trained Seal read the rules. Maybe he was too busy trying to finish fitting into his suit. Horny Chick is all serious as she proclaims that this song, when Adam sang it last time, was a game changer. Only at the end of her rant did she say that she liked Adam’s performance tonight. Adam and Rehab Girl trade compliments about their looks. Captain Jack thought it was a little over theatrical and a little too Phantom of the Opera like because of the coat Adam is wearing and the fog machine on overdrive. Big Sexy thought Adam was Twilight-theatrical instead.

Anthony Hopkins is in the house!

Kris Allen – “Ain't No Sunshine” by Bill Withers, chosen by Kris himself for Pimp iTunes Week: Kris reveals in his Coca-Cola video that he was too shy to sing in front of his family when he was a kid until they started paying him. Yes, he is ready for that 19 Entertainment contract. Kris is on the piano tonight. I have to look up what he played when he did it the first time (yes, he did). I can sort of hear it this time, only because Ricky Minor and the band are a mile away at the Kodak. Like last week Kris is laying it out there. Somebody must have flipped a switch on this kid because once Kris realized he had a chance to win he has turned up the intensity in his singing. I think he actually did better than his last performance of this song, at least as I remember it, so for me Round 1 goes to the Tender Dawg. So check it out, Big Sexy name drops the Lakers and thought that this was one of Kris’ best performances. Horny Chick has to agree with Randy and thinks there is something wrong with us if we do not feel the intimate bond with Kris that she feels. Rehab Girl’s spirit has been awakened by Kris’ ability to “Allenize” (complete with the hand quote gesture) the song. Simon admits that he was unsure last week that Kris even belongs in the finale but now he feels like Kris does belong. Because he had not yet used the boxing analogy the producers pushed last year Trained Seal asks Simon which guy won Round 1. Captain Jack stutters like Drunk Chick used to before declaring that Kris won.

All the dismissed Idol contestants are in the house!

Adam Lambert – “A Change is Gonna Come” by Sam Cooke, chosen by über-producer Simon Fuller: I am willing to bet Adam will sing this differently than Syesha Mercado did last year when she had her Come to Martin Luther King moment. Let’s be honest, Adam does not have the legs for that. Adam is accompanied by a single guitarist at first, and then starts blasting away with the band. After playing it cool in his first number Broadway Boy is back to the emoting and screaming that has gotten him to this point. Well that is one thing that Kris can’t do. Ditto Syesha Mercado. Adam finishes with one of his patented glory notes and gives props to the guitar guys next to him, though no props for the rest of the band. Perhaps it was not Adam’s best performance but it was better than his first song, if you are into this sort of thing. So listen, Big Sexy praises the song and thought Adam sang his face off. Horny Chick disagrees with me and says that it was Adam’s best performance and best “interpretation of a song from beginning to end” in this competition, and then she praises Adam for “using both sides of yourself.” There she goes, showing off her song interpretation skills again. She even has a proud look on her face as she says this, as if she is trying to prove to the über-producer that she should be brought back next season. Rehab Girl thought it was the best she had ever heard Adam sing “ever, ever, ever, ever!” Not only that, she though Adam looked like a superstar and that he will be iconic. Big Sexy cannot contain his laughter. Simon declares Adam to be back in the game. Trained Seal declares that “Paula is into the herkey,” and unless this is a new cocktail I have no idea what he is talking about.

Katie Holmes and über baby Sari are in the house!

Kris Allen – “What’s Going On” by Marvin Gaye, chosen by Clive Davis substitute and 60’s soul fan Simon Fuller: Kris dismissed Ricky and the band again and starts the song with just his guitar, eventually joined by a small trio. Once again Kris has changed up the arrangement to make it sound like a Jason Mraz tune. Good thing I finally figured out how to spell Jason’s last name. Kris is struggling a bit with keeping the melody until he reaches for the glory note at the end. Overall it was not as good as his first performance or as good as Adam’s just was. That weak voice of his betrayed him again. At least he is not trying to scream over the band or Danny Gokey this time. Kris’ wife is in the house! Did you see that tweeners? Check it out, Big Sexy thought it was a great song choice because of what is going on in the world today but he thought that Kris’ arrangement was a little too light for the Nokia. Maybe it would have sounded better at the Kodak. Naturally, Big Sexy gets booed by the crowd of 7,000, though not as loudly as the crowd of 700 usually does back in the studio. The stars appeared to have pushed out the usual audience riff-raff. I doubt the riff-raff are at the Lakers game because they cannot afford the tickets. Horny Chick praises Kris for being true to himself and praises Simon Fuller for picking a socially uplifting song for him. She is kissing some major ass tonight. Paula thinks Kris did Marvin Gaye proud. Since it is the finale, Captain Jack attempts an analogy and declares the song “was like three friends in a bedroom strumming along to Marvin Gaye.” It has been a long season, hasn't it? Captain Jack has finally reached the bottom of this analogy bag. Simon also disagrees with Horny Chick again and complains that Kris did not make the song his own and essentially declares him a lightweight without using the L-word. No, not that L-word. Trained Seal tells Simon to leave his bedtime stories out of this and talks about all the symbolism on tonight’s show, and now I am wondering if Rehab Girl gave him Ryan her remaining stash now that she is in rehab. Maybe I should start calling him Drunk Dude. Simon declares Round 2 for Adam and Kris nods his head in agreement. He is such a nice guy; no wonder the tweeners love him so much.

Some unknown celebrity’s child is in the house!

Adam Lambert – “No Boundaries” by Horny Chick and two writers who don’t get credit: Trained Seal reunites with the dismissed Idol contestants as he introduces Horny Chick’s song, which is destined to be the first single to bomb for the Idol winner. The more things change, the more they stay the same. Adam starts out rather plain but kicks it up with the shouting chorus. I will say this, Horny Chick’s song is better than the songwriting contest winning song that last year’s contestants had to endure. Not that this makes it any easier to listen to. The song is as bland as anything Big Sexy has produced but Adam is milking it for everything he’s got. Big Sexy has said it before and he’ll say it again (no, not “this is a singing competition and you can sing”), he thinks Adam can sing the phone book but that this performance was just alright, even though it sounded like Horny Chick stole the lyrics from the phone book. He even claimed that it was a little pitchy in spots. Big Sexy is not lying there; he has said that before, just not to Broadway Boy. Horny Chick looked at Big Sexy expecting to get praise for the song choice and instead got nothing, kind of like the rest of us have gotten from Randy this season. Horny Chick actually name dropped the other writers of the song and tells Adam how proud she is for Adam giving her “that moment at the end.” Since it is the season finale Horny Chick will take whatever she can get. Adam thanks her for the song because he is such a nice guy. Paula cannot find the adjectives to describe what Adam has brought to the show this season. Captain Jack trashes the song as expected but he still thinks that Adam is one of the most original contestants the show has ever had and predicts that Broadway Boy will be a worldwide star. Adam tells Trained Seal that he thought he was up to the challenge tonight, especially for the Sam Cooke song since he had never done a song like that on the show. This from the guy who was the first to break the Led Zeppelin barrier.

Kris Allen – “No Boundaries” by, coincidentally, Horny Chick: For his sake I hope Tender Dawg changed the song arrangement, if not the lyrics. Kris starts out in a race with the band to try and get this thing over with. Slow down kid, it’s not that bad. He did not change the arrangement, perhaps for the first time this season, and he is appears to be making an earnest attempt to belt this thing out straight. Finally towards the end he gives up the shouting and just sings it, perhaps realizing that he has nothing to lose now. Yeah, it was alright. The song still sucks but Kris treated it well even though it was more tailored for a screamer like Adam. Let him just say this, Big Sexy thought Kris should be proud of what he has done this season. He also thought the song was better for his voice than Adam’s even though the key was too high. It has been a long season for Big Sexy too. Horny Chick does not look happy now that Big Sexy is, like Simon, critiquing the song more than the singer. Horny Chick thinks that Kris should be judged on his body of work this season and not just this song. Then why, my dear Kara, did you write this song for him? We have the entire summer to think about this conundrum. Maybe she wrote it for former boy toy Matt Giraud instead. Rehab Girl says nothing about this performance and instead praises Kris for the entire season. I sense a trend here. Captain Jack too ignores this performance, and instead talks about how much Kris has changed from the audition that we never got to see. Trained Seal tries the boxing analogy one final time before introducing the recap videos.

Carrie Underwood carries on the tradition of making a live appearance on the finale to perform the good-bye song as a video recap of the season is shown. Another tradition being upheld is the producers’ decision to show us more of the singer than the video. Then unlike past weeks Fox cuts the broadcast off halfway through Carrie’s performance to bring us the new show they are promoting. How the mighty have fallen.

And now, the series premiere of Glee. Viewer discretion is advised. Don’t stop believin’!

The Final Score: 18 shots at Horny Chick Kara thanks to her sappy song; 16 shots at Big Sexy Randy; 12 shots at Drunk and Trained Seal Ryan; 7 shots at Captain Jack Simon; 5 shots at Rehab Girl Paula (she didn't say much so I didn't jab at her much); 6 shots at Ricky Minor and the band (my goodness, more shots at the band than at Paula, that has never, ever, ever, ever, ever, happened); and just 3 shots at the star-studded yet well behaved audience. 13 references to former Idol contestants and 11 references to other non-Idol performers. Lakers 105, Nuggets 103, 9 tweener references, 5 über-somethings, 3 references to the Nokia Theater, 3 disses of the Kodak Theater, 3 rounds, 2 Coca-Cola videos, 2 iTunes plugs, 2 name drops, 2 nice guys, no K-word utterances, 1 L-word utterance, 1 waist measurement from long ago, and I am ready to put this season to bed.

Your 3 Stars of the Night: Kris Allen’s redux of the Bill Withers’ song was the best vocal of the night. Adam Lambert’s attempt at Sam Cooke was the best performance of the night. I cannot bring myself to give any stars to Horny Chick’s song so I will declare it a tie for the third star between the other two performances I didn't mention.

Idol Gives Back: I could kind of see this coming even though I didn't think it would actually happen. Like Allison Iraheta the week before Danny Gokey joined an elite list of former Idol contestants, favorites coming out of the semis who did not win. Chris Daughtry, LaKesha Jones, and David Archuleta all emerged from the semi-finals as the morning line favorite to win only to fall short, and now Danny Gokey has done the same. Like Chris and LaKesha before him, Danny seemed to peak early and could not sustain it over the über-marathon known as the American Idol season. His trajectory was tending downward while Kris Allen’s, like Elliott Yamin, Jordin Sparks, and David Cook before him, only went upward.

The Fearless Prediction: The finale reminds me a lot of last year’s season ender at the Nokia, when the tweener’s choice did OK but the choice of the rest of America did just a little bit better. That same thing happened tonight, which is why Horny Chick was begging America to ignore Kris Allen’s performance of her song. The tweeners will be pounding away for Kris like they have all season, but I am going to take a leap of faith and predict that Broadway Boy Adam Lambert will be acquitted of all charges tomorrow night after the two plus hours of fluff promised by Trained Seal. Then I can finally get back to the gym.