The Most Aggressive Idol Episode Ever

One of the Idol commentators writing for the L.A. Times maintains that the tweener girls and their superhuman texting abilities have seized control of Idol this season, as evident by Allison Iraheta’s departure last week and the continued presence of boy toy Kris Allen. I for one do not think that this is the first time the Hannah Montana set have attempted to seize control of the show. After all, there was Jason Castro last season, Blake Lewis & Chris Richardson the season before, and Ace Young the season before that, all of whom were helped in their quest for Idol glory by their good looks as much as their singing ability. So to me this season is no different from any other that I have paid attention to. Now that I think about it, this may explain why Paula has been so accurate in her predictions on who will make it to the finale. She thinks like one of them.

Speaking of Drunk Chick, because she has finally admitted that she was addicted to pain killers and has sought out treatment I have decided to honor her honesty by changing her nickname to Rehab Girl, even though Vote for the Worst.com has reported that she went on a Dallas radio show and denied everything. Since it was reported only by Vote for the Worst.com and was allegedly on a morning show in a mid-size media market I am willing to give Paula the benefit of the doubt and consider the possibility that it was made up, at least until she inevitably proves me wrong.

Speaking of inevitability, it has seemed almost inevitable since the semis that Danny Gokey and Adam Lambert were going to be in the finale, so the smart money says that Kris Allen is going home tomorrow. However, Danny Boy has been getting sloppy in recent weeks and a little bit cocky to boot, so if he is not careful tonight Kris and his tweener army could sneak past him and into the finale next week. Did Widower’s Peak look back at the playback and see why the judges dared to criticize him, like he said he would? Has he learned his lesson? We shall see.

Trained Seal introduces the final three heroes with the spotlight trained on all four of them. The screams from the crowd almost drown out the theme song, the first positive contribution the audience has made this season. Ryan then introduces the people who “discovered them.” No silly, not the producers, the judges. He then refers to the chick who rushed the stage to squeeze Adam when he was in San Diego, promising that we will learn more about this tomorrow night. Trained Seal is such a tease. Of course the real question will be whether or not Trained Seal will ask Adam how he felt about being the object of adoration by a teenage girl and how honest Adam will be with the response.

Milwaukee, Wisconsin’s Danny Gokey – “Dance Little Sister” by Terence Trent D’Arby, chosen by Rehab Girl: Rehab Girl chose the song because she thinks Danny has the same magical quality as Mr. D’Arby. The band kicks it straight up with a Latin beat, even though I think Terence is not from Spain, and Danny is belting away with the first note. He is doing alright until the chorus when the back-up singers start to drown him out. I would have thought that the producers would have fired the sound mixer for the crappy job he did last season but I perhaps he knows a secret about Simon Fuller. I wish I did with the amount of money he is making these days. To increase the challenge for Danny the sax player then tries to drown him out too. No glory note this time, just lots of beat and bombast from beginning to end. Still though, it was one of his better efforts in recent weeks, in the sense that he sang all the lyrics and kept it to just one key. And he and the band certainly had a lot of energy. Randy loved the energy and Danny’s hoarse sound. Horny Chick praises Paula for the song choice but then disses Danny’s dancing to a chorus of boos and declares that she doesn't think she will remember the performance tomorrow. Suddenly Horny Chick is channeling Captain Jack. Maybe I should change her nickname too, to Captain Jackie or something like that. No, one change is enough for one week. Rehab Girl, speaking from her expertise as a professional choreographer, thought Danny danced really good and also praised Danny’s magic. Horny Chick, you've just been served! Captain Jack reminds the chicks that Idol is a singing show and not the stupid dancing show going on next door. Nigel Lythgoe, you too have just been served! Simon liked the singing but didn't like the sax solo and thought Danny’s dancing was “desperate”, which serves as a catalyst for lots of mindless banter between the judges and for Danny to say that the most important thing for him is to have fun. Dude, only losers say that. The banter only ends when Captain Jack starts mugging Rehab Girl. The producers refuse to show “the second base sexual harassment” on camera while Trained Seal struggles to give out the phone numbers.

Conway, Arkansas’s Kris Allen – “Apologize” by One Republic, chosen by Big Sexy and Horny Chick: I may be wrong about this, but I think this is the first time that Kris Allen’s hometown has ever been mentioned on the show. So much for Idol producer Ken Warwick’s promise that they would feature more of the contestant’s background this season. While in Arkansas Kris was awarded a new AT&T phone. Big Sexy wanted Kris to sing this “big song” because he has a “big voice” and I’m wondering if Big Sexy has pulled a Drunk Chick and mistaken Kris for another contestant. Horny Chick picked “Apologize” because it is a song that everybody knows, even though I for one have never heard this song before. For the first time Kris is at the keyboards tonight but that does not stop him from trying to swallow the mic again. If anything Kris has shown more musical ability than any other contestant this season, even though most of the time, including tonight, we can’t hear the instrument he is playing. Still, overall his performance was pretty good. His voice is still not very strong but I think he sang his song better than Danny sang his. Big Sexy praises his own song choice. Horny Chick thought Kris was only competent and did not give the groundbreaking, out of the park performance that she was hoping for. He just couldn't get it up in her eyes I guess. Rehab Girl thought she heard one bum note but she is still proud of Kris and gets polite applause from the audience. Captain Jack cannot understand why Rehab Girl can say that she is proud of Kris and at the same time point out that he sang a bum note. As if that is the nuttiest thing she has said this season. Captain Jack then trains his guns on Horny Chick, calling her a cope out for choosing the song for Kris and then criticizing him for singing the song competently. The cheers from the crowd try to drown out Horny Chick’s witty defense: “You’re going to criticize me for interpreting songs? Have you ever interpreted a song in your life? No, I don’t think so.” Honey, he has been making millions for interpreting songs in his own special way the last 8 seasons, where the heck have you been? Simon finally gets around to critiquing Kris’ performance, calling it competent like Kara did. The Captain then goes back to criticizing both Horny Chick and now Big Sexy for not telling Kris how they wanted him to arrange the song before he sang it. Through all of this Rehab Girl is just giggling like there is no tomorrow. Trained Seal asks for a clarification of Captain Jack’s critique of Horny Chick’s and Big Sexy’s efforts and all four judges chime in with a response. Finally we hear from Kris when Trained Seal asks him about how he feels about Captain Jack’s criticisms of Kris’ “quiet confidence.” Kris attempts to answer in a calm manner but then gets drowned out by Horny Chick, who is screaming “don’t listen to him” while holding her hands around Captain Jack’s mouth. It took me ten minutes to write this paragraph, almost all of it after Kris finished singing his song.

San Diego, California’s Adam Lambert – “One” by U2, chosen by Captain Jack: Speaking of featuring the contestant’s personality more, I find it interesting that the Idol producers have been very mum about the one aspect of Adam’s personality that makes him interesting, unless you count his parents’ comments a few weeks back about Adam’s affinity for dolls. Before asking Simon why he chose the song Trained Seal declares tonight’s show to be “the most aggressive Idol episode ever.” Tell me about it, I’m going to up all night typing this damn thing because of the judges’ antics. Adam learns of the song choice while standing in front of an AT&T store and declares to Simon that “it’s on.” Adam has clearly learned the importance of product placement on this show. Captain Jack name drops Bono while bragging about how he had to personally get permission from U2 for Adam to sing this song. Adam starts the song even slower than the original version, turning it into something like a ballad from Cats. He is carrying this alternate arrangement through the whole song apparently. Eventually Adam gets to the emotional screaming and yet another very long glory note. Another thing that Adam has clearly perfected is what I only describe as method singing, method acting with a song, where he acts like he really feels the emotions in the song. Imagine Camelot with Al Pacino as King Arthur or something wild like that. Sure it is phony in a way, but for him it works. That Broadway training has sure come in handy. It might even win him this thing. Big Sexy thinks that Adam is still in the zone but didn't like how Adam went “off the melody,” and he gets booed by the crowd and by Captain Jack. But hey, he’s just sayin’. Horny Chick loves how Adam is such a strategist by changing everything up and making it unbelievable. She then claims that Simon’s previous point about how she cannot interpret songs was just “unproven.” You go, girlfriend. I guess Horny Chick thinks that what she said was an example of song interpretation, but to be honest I think even Rehab Girl could have said what she said even when she was Drunk Chick. Rehab Girl then declares that her life is miserable right now because Captain Jack is gloating and not because she is off her medication or is forced to listen to Horny Chick’s babbling. Captain Jack of course thought it was a brilliant song choice and a brilliant performance and thinks it would be the biggest upset in Idol history if he is not in the finale next week. But of course Captain Jack is not playing favorites or anything. Trained Seal tries to get Adam to say that Simon had nothing to do with the arrangement of the song but Adam does not take the bait and instead says that Simon “showed a lot of heart with this one.”

My fingers need a rest so Trained Seal comes back from the break with an Idol Gives Back update. Carrie Underwood took a break from her awards tour to travel to Angola on ExxonMobil’s dime to check in on a malaria clinic paid for by the Idol Gives Back fund. And here I thought they weren't going to do Idol Gives Back this season. I guess it’s better that they brought this back instead of the song writing competition.

Danny Gokey – “You Are So Beautiful” by Joe Cocker: We are now into the singer’s choice portion of the program, which of course means it’s time for the Coca-Cola treatment and Trained Seal’s pimping of the web site. If you read my last post (and you know you should) then you would know that Big Sexy selected this song for Taylor Hicks on the Season 5 final 3 show. So given how often Danny has been imitating Taylor Hicks this season this selection makes perfect sense. Trained Seal and Danny both play up how tough the song choice was, when I just explained to you how easy this choice really was. Now I am the one breaking kayfabe. Unlike Taylor, Danny changes up the arrangement and turns it into a melodic ballad with only string accompaniment. Danny is trying very hard to sing this song as soft as he can with that hoarse voice of his and is only somewhat successful, but eventually the screamer in him comes out. Once again Danny is pouring out the emotion with the chorus, and no I am not going to accuse him of using his late wife as inspiration again. Instead I am just going to enjoy the rest of the performance. There, that wasn't so bad. Danny has picked up his game this week and not a moment too soon. Even the tweeners are screaming for him. Big Sexy name drops Billy Preston and again praises Danny’s “mad vocals.” No mention of Idol being a singing competition though. Horny Chick uses her powers of song interpretation and declares Danny’s performance as “stunning.” Rehab Girl is breathless and loves the fusion of gospel and R&B that Danny put into the song. Captain Jack didn't think the song needed rearranging but because, “and what Randy said this is a singing competition”, he declares Danny’s performance to be a master class in singing. Danny reveals to Trained Seal that his secret to his success this week was that he came on stage with an open mind and ignored all of the advice he had been given. He is smarter than I thought.

Kris Allen – “Heartless” by Kanye West: Without so much as a break Trained Seal leaves Danny and runs across the stage to ask Kris how difficult his song choice was. Unlike Danny Kris does not play along and instead tells Ryan that the song just came to him. Trained Seal looks disappointed, so naturally he works in an iTunes plug before introducing Kris’ performance. Kris is back with the guitar for Song 2 but starts the song a-capella. He then starts to play the guitar and this time I can actually hear it because the band is not playing with him. I think this is the first time this season that a contestant has dared to sing an entire song without Ricky Minor and the band drowning him out. This kid has some guts, not only because he is performing without the band but also because he is trying to actually sing a rap song. It sort of worked. The singing sounded a bit awkward in spots and that might end up dooming his chances for survival. Still, it is hard to criticize him too much. He knew he had to take a chance to have any hope of getting past Danny and Adam and into the finale and he went for it. Big Sexy thought Kris’ version was better than Kanye West’s version and that he was “in it to win it.” I agree with the latter and have to take his word for it on the former. Horny Chick wanted to know why Kris didn't do that with the song she chose for him and make her look good. She again shows off her song interpretation skills by praising Kris for his perfect tone, pitch, and phrasing. Rehab Girl thinks Kris is brave for singing a song about Captain Jack, who rolls his eyes as he often does when Rehab Girl speaks. Having said that Paula commends Kris for being different. Captain Jack goes back to criticizing Randy and Kara’s lame song choice to clarify why he had written Kris out of the competition, but then declares that after this performance Kris is back in the mix. Kris’s mom breathes a big sigh of relief. Trained Seal reminds the judges that it is all about the singers and then pimps the results show tomorrow night.

Adam Lambert – “Cryin’” by Aerosmith: Aerosmith has become the new Whitney Houston, the artist of choice of Idol contestants. Perhaps next season Big Sexy will tell contestants not to sing Aerosmith songs like he had been doing with Whitney songs, after he reminds them that Idol is a signing competition. Coca-Cola gets the closer spot tonight, but only after Trained Seal pimps the summer tour. Trained Seal cannot believe that Adam chose a song by a band that is no stranger to Idol, so naturally he suspects that Adam is going to change the range somehow. Adam though tries to argue that he is going to sing the song straight, or as straight as he is capable of anyway. Read into that what you will. One thing I love about Adam is that he always selects songs that I have heard of and then sings them in a way I have never heard before. Tonight is no exception. Lots of screaming, lots of theatrics, and lots of method acting disguised as singing. It was more subdued than some of his other performances but still it is Broadway Boy at his best. Big Sexy declares Adam to be one of the best performers to ever appear on the Idol stage, and indirectly insults Captain Jack by saying how this song choice was better than “One”. Horny Chick cannot understand how Adam can hit those screaming notes all the time, because after all she is a professional song interpreter. Rehab Girl thinks that Adam has set the bar so high that he should be collecting frequent flier miles. After that, she asks to restart from the beginning and just say that she thinks Adam will be in the finale. Now if that is not proof that Rehab Girl is off the sauce then I don’t know what is. Drunk Chick would have never corrected herself like that. Captain Jack is not going to suck up to Adam like he thinks the other judges are, but then he urges people not to assume that Adam is going to sail through to the finale and instead vote for him as much as they can. But of course Captain Jack is not playing favorites. The modest Adam pimps Kris and Danny’s performances tonight. Danny would have never praised the others like that.

Just before the replays are shown Horny Chick is seen leaving her chair. I guess she has a plane to catch or something. Nope, the producers ordered her back to her seat for the final shot.

And now, the season finale of Fringe. Viewer discretion is advised. And even with only two performances per contestant they still cannot finish on time. Good thing next week is a two hour show.

As I’m attempting to correct my spelling I’m watching Inside the NBA and let me tell you, Charles Barkley would make one hell of an Idol judge and an even better tor-mentor.

The Final Score: 21 shots at Captain Jack Simon; 18 shots at Horny Chick Kara; 18 shots at Trained Seal Ryan; 15 shots at Rehab Girl Paula; 13 shots at Big Sexy Randy; 4 shots at Ricky Minor and the band; and 5 shots at the audience. All the judges are in double digits tonight and that is why this write up is so long even though there were only 6 songs. 16 references to former Idol contestants and 6 references to other non-Idol performers, including 1 TV character and 1 TV basketball analyst. Lakers 118, Rockets 78, 2 Coca-Cola treatments, 2 iTunes plugs, 2 plugs for tomorrow’s results show, 2 references to Broadway musicals (both during Adam’s performances), 2 name drops, 2 servings, 2 muggings, 2 shouting contestants, 2 references to current Idol producers, 1 reference to a former Idol producer, no K-word utterances, and 3-1/2 hours to write this recap.

Your 3 Stars of the Night: All three of our finalists get a star tonight, Kris Allen for “Apologize”, Danny Gokey for “You Are So Beautiful”, and Adam Lambert for “One.” All three were competent and no one really stunk up the joint so I see no reason to differentiate between them.

Idol Gives Back: Allison Iraheta has joined an elite company that includes Melinda Doolittle, Katherine McPhee, Kimberely Locke, and Carly Smithson, women who were arguably the best singers in a singing competition but did not win. I don’t care what Big Sexy claims, this is not nor has it ever been a singing competition. You know it, I know it, and now Allison knows it. One of these days Big Sexy will figure it out too, but don’t hold your breath.

The Fearless Prediction: Trained Seal got one thing right tonight, tomorrow’s results show is going to be very interesting and not because Jordin Sparks will be performing. (BTW, can you name the one Idol winner who has not appeared on a results show this season? Answer below). Captain Jack’s pimping should be enough to push Adam Lambert to safety so it should come down to either Kris Allen or Danny Gokey. This will be the true test of who has the power, the tweeners who adore Kris or their cougar mothers who adore Danny. The cougars won out last season when they elected David Cook over David Archuleta, so pretty much for that reason alone I’m going to predict that Kris will be going home tomorrow. I also predict that the vote will be so close that like they did in Season 5 when Elliott Yamin just missed out on making the final 2 the producers will reveal the vote count.

(Answer: Season 3 winner Fantasia Barrino. You get extra credit if you can tell me why she is boycotting, because honestly I don't know)