Case Summary S08-2009

So the tweeners have spoken and the soft voiced nice guy Kris Allen is this year’s American Idol champion. It certainly was unexpected, not just by me but also by the American Idol producers. I think Kris is the first Idol winner who was not profiled during the audition shows. Indeed as I remember we only saw about 5 seconds of Kris singing as part of a montage with Felicia Barton, Ryan Johnson, and Sheva Lawrence from the Louisville auditions. Yes, I took notes. And then Kris was completely unseen or unheard at the Hollywood shows and only had 5 seconds of air time on the chair show when he was told he made the Top 36. Who knew then that 3 months later Kris would be the darling of the preteen set and walk away with the Idol title? Certainly not me. Hard to complain, though. Kris seems like a genuine nice guy and it’s nice to see nice things happen to nice guys. Too bad he’ll now be burdened with that record deal.

So now that another season of American Idol is in the books… Wait, let me check to make sure the show is not still going on… It is time to recap the trials and tribulations of Season 8, when a soft spoken unknown from Arkansas, a theatrical screamer from San Diego, a widower from Milwaukee, a pink haired teenager from Los Angeles, and so many others went from mild mannered kids to international sensations in 5 long, long months. To avoid being repetitive I will use the judge’s real names instead of their horse racing nicknames. This should also help those of you who are reading this blog for the first time or are reading this post to find out what happened this season.

This season the auditions were held in Phoenix, Kansas City, San Francisco, Louisville, Salt Lake City, Jacksonville, New York City, and San Juan, Puerto Rico. Louisville won the audition crown by producing 3 of the Top 13, including winner Kris Allen. New York City was the only audition site not to produce a Top 13 finalist, though it did produce Nick Charles, aka Normand Gentle.

The season began with a quote from David Foster and Ryan dangerously close to the rim of the Grand Canyon. The Phoenix auditions were featured first, where it was 106 degrees at kickoff in Jordin Sparks’ hometown. Emily Hughes cancelled her band’s European tour to audition, only to get cut at Hollywood Week. Michael Gurr sang a Carrie Underwood song like Bette Davis. Paula suggested that Elijah Scarlett use his deep, deep voice for voice-over work. Bikini Girl Katrina Darrell and Kara got into a sing-off while Randy and Simon pulled their eyeballs back into their sockets. Katrina then sucked the sexual tendencies out of Ryan. Sexual Chocolate Eric Thomas gave Randy a nickname that lasted about three months. Alex Wagner Trugman invented his own country, Akazia. In the end 27 people went to Hollywood from Phoenix, including Top 13ers Scott McIntyre and Michael Sarver.

Next up were the auditions from David Cook’s hometown of Kansas City, which is where we first met Danny Gokey and his BFF Jamal Rodgers. Ryan “accidently” ran into David Cook’s parents at a random KC street corner. Simon thought Chelsea Marquardt sounded like a cat falling from the Empire State Building. Bubble tea maker Casey Carlson bubbled through “A Thousand Miles”. Von Smith and his goofy hat shouted his way to Hollywood. Jason Castro’s brother Michael made it through too, despite his pink Mohawk and his brother in the next room. Welder Matt Breitzke later gave us one of this season’s most memorable moments when he interrupted Paula’s tease in Hollywood Week with “it’s a no, right?” Jessica Paige Furney’s grandma talked about her “crazy pills.” Sisters Asia McClain and India Morrison raped about food. Andrew Lang brought two cheerleaders with him and still did not get a golden ticket. Dennis Brigham thought he sang “very, very, very, very, very good.” Mia Conley damned the judges to Hell for rejecting her. In addition to Danny Gokey the Kansas City auditions produced 26 golden tickets, including Top 13 finalists Anoop Desai and Lil Rounds, who ironically were both eliminated on the same night 4 months later.

Next up were the San Francisco auditions, which aired on the same day as President Obama’s inauguration, the first of many connections between the new president and his daughters’ favorite show. At least I’m assuming it is their favorite show. The potential contestants were transported by the magic of television from the Cow Palace to the Mark Hopkins Hotel across town. Tatiana Nicole Del Toro and her hyena laugh begged her way into a starring role during the Hollywood Week broadcasts. Jesus Valenzuela used his two sons to get a golden ticket. Akilah Askew-Gholston constant singing was so bad that Paula left the set in frustration, and it was at Babylon By The Bay where we were first introduced to Broadway Boy Adam Lambert, who belted out a version of Queen’s “Bohemian Rhapsody” that Paula thought was “awesome” and Simon thought was too theatrical but was pressured to say yes by then-new judge Kara, who earned her nickname Horny Chick on this night. Only 12 golden tickets were distributed in San Francisco, including one to Allison Iraheta, who got so little screen time that in my recap I only mentioned that she sang “Natural Woman”.

The next night we were off to the races in Louisville. Simon compared Tiffany Shedd to a donkey racing against thoroughbreds, which so traumatized Tiffany that she ran off to college. Joanna Pacitti was quickly passed through to Hollywood because of her connections with the producers and her former record deal with A&M. Mark Mudd, Jr. told the judges to “be careful at whatever you do,” which led Paula to call for security. Brett Smith inspired Kara and Paula to do some nasty things under the table and inspired Simon to use the word “buskerish”. Matt Giraud reminded Simon of Elliott Yamin. Kara urged Alexis Grace to have sex with her fiancée to dirty up her image. Aaron Williamson led the cast and crew in a shout fest. Leneshe Young, who claimed to be from the poor side of the tracks, was the first auditioner in Idol history to get a golden ticket by singing her own composition. 19 contestants made it to Hollywood, including: “Kris Allen from Conway, AR; Felicia Barton from Virginia Beach, VA; Ryan Johnson from Cincinnati, OH; and Shera Lawrence from Bowling Green, KY. Each got about 5 seconds of air time so there’s no way I can comment on their performance or the judges’ comments, though they all had nice voices.” Little did anyone know that the next American Idol was embedded in that 20 second montage, least of all Kris.

The audition tour moved to Jacksonville, FL, where Ryan pretended to get lost in the swamps and Ford ad star Cheyennis Doom made her first appearance in my recaps. Paula and Kara made out during Sharon Wilbur’s audition. Paula almost quit the show on the spot during Miss Florida Latina USA Julissa Velez’s audition. Naomi Sykes hit the high, high note of “Loving You” but none of the others. Simon told Anne Marie Boscovich to go find a stylist before auditioning, and miraculously she found one right there in the hotel. 16 tickets to Hollywood were distributed in the Sunshine State, including one to early Top 13 elimination Jasmine Murray.

The Salt Lake City auditions began with Donny and Marie Osmond’s nephew David. Simon was mugged by a guy in a pink bunny suit, but even that was not enough to earn a ticket for the bunny’s friend Chris Kirkham. Megan Joy, then known as Megan Corkrey, told America about her divorce and her life in a travel trailer. Taylor Vaifanua reminded Randy of Jordin Sparks because she was tall and had dark skin. Orphan Rose Flech charmed the judges with her tawdry dress and her rendition of “I Feel the Earth Move”. 12 auditioners made to it to Hollywood but only Megan made it to the Top 13 from this group.

Fulfilling the promise of Idol producer Ken Warwick to reduce the number of audition shows the New York City and San Juan auditions were combined into one show. Simon got Adeola Adegoke her banking job back after she failed her audition. Paula would not say sí to Jorge Nunez until he sang a song in English. Melinda Camille turned both Randy and Kara on when she revealed how much she loved to dance naked. I must admit, me too. The window to the Hudson collapsed on the judges during Jackie Thom’s audition. Roquero Loco Jose Contreras dressed like an iPod and played with finger puppets. A kinder, gentler Alexis Cohen returned but still got turned down. And it was in New York that America was introduced to Nick Charles’ alter ego Normand Gentle, who earned a Hollywood ticket after this witty exchange with Simon:

Simon: “You told me you weren't going to make this funny.”
Nick: “You hurt me where, you get kicked sometimes. That was very hard.”
Simon: “I’d thought you’d quite like that.”
Nick: “You mean the way you like it when Seacrest does it?” (With a dramatic pose)
All the judges: “Woooh!”
Nick: “What do you say now Simon?”

Jorge Nunez and 9 other San Juan auditioners earned golden tickets. 26 tickets were issued in New York City, though none of them made it into the Top 13 and only Normand appeared in the finale.

Another promise from Ken Warwick was more Hollywood Week shows, so instead of the customary one we got three. Hollywood Week was actually in Hollywood this time, as the producers showed the Kodak Theater some love after abandoning it in favor of the Nokia Theater for last year’s finale. 147 contestants went through Idol boot camp with stylists, coaches, and super tor-mentor Barry Manilow, who offered this piece of advice: “What makes a star? Preparation meets opportunity.” Each contestant took the stage in groups of 8, where they sang their little hearts out for a few seconds and then quickly melted back into line. Lil Rounds got a standing ovation from the chick judges. Dennis Bingham told the judges that they sucked after he was dismissed. Nathaniel Marshall, who would become a star on the next Hollywood show, explained to the judges that he didn't know why he burst out on stage so much. Stephen Fowler had his one good performance doing a Stevie Wonder song and then went all downhill from there. Simon told Von Smith that his performance was “indulgent nonsense.” Nick Mitchell claimed that he left Normand Gentle back in a New York City trash can, but then brought him back in all his glory in Hollywood, including calling out Ryan while he was hiding up in the balcony. Paula told Danny Gokey that he was ready to record records. Bikini Girl and Kara got into another cat fight. FBI Agent Erika Wesley provoked the biggest drama of the night when she was at first rejected and then begged the judges for another chance because it was her cousin’s birthday. Paula declared that she wanted to give Erika that chance until Simon asked her why when she had just voted no. The two kids then had a cat fight of their own that put the Bikini Girl-Horny Chick skirmish to shame.

104 contestants survived to Day 2 and the return of Group Night, which began with Ryan promising tears, screaming, emotion, pathos, and “out and out sabotage.” Three groups were the stars of the show: Team Compromise, The Divas, and whichever group Tatiana Del Toro was in. Tatiana kept switching back and forth between two groups trying to find the one that will tolerate her antics and support her quest for the Idol crown. One of the groups was Team Compromise, comprised of drama queen Nathaniel Marshall, Kristen McNamara, and Nancy Wilson, which turned into Team Turmoil when Nancy bitched at Tatiana for loving them and then leaving them, then bitched at Kristen after she wanted to take a break at 2:30 am. Nathaniel got into the act by bitching at anyone who would listen about all of the other bitching. The team ended up settling on Duffy’s “Mercy”, but their performance was so awkward that Simon accused the three of deliberately singing bad to sabotage the others in their group. Nancy was the only one of the three sent packing and on her way out she bitched at Kristen some more. The one group that Tatiana didn't try and join was The Divas, which included Bikini Girl Katrina Darnell, Top 13er Jasmine Murray, and orphan Rose Fleck. At 2:30 Katrina went to bed while the other girls continued rehearsing and then was a no-show for breakfast the next morning claiming that she was sick. Just when the other girls were ready to go on without her Katrina showed up looking like she is in another time zone. They too attempted to sing “Mercy” and it too was a train wreck. The other girls threw Katrina under the bus claiming it was all her fault and this time both Randy and Simon believed them and not Bikini Girl, who was cut but took Rose down with her. Tatiana and her group were cut off mid song and the drama queen, fearing the worst, began pleading so much that Randy told her to shut up. But then the judges unexpectedly announced that Tatiana and her court were all through to the next round. Tatiana thanked everyone except her teammates, who didn't seem to care about Tatiana any more now that they were through.

The final 75 survivors from Group Night went through one more round with the judges and were allowed to play instruments for the first time. It was also the first time I heard from Cheyennis Doom, who confirmed that her name was real and that she did own a Ford Focus. After their last performances the contestants were grouped into 4 separate rooms. Adam Lambert did a ballad version of Cher’s “I Believe”. Scott McIntyre got a standing ovation from Paula for an off tune rendition of Chris Daughtry’s “Home”, either because Scott was blind or Paula was deaf. Steven White tried the stop and start approach Brooke White perfected last year before finally abandoning his song all together. The producers played mind games with Tatiana Del Toro, moving her from one group to another that also happened to have Nick Mitchell. Imagine the fear in the room among the other contestants when they realized who was in the room with them. Simon used his Britain’s Got Talent gig to excuse himself from the room announcements, leaving it to the other three judges to tease the contestants yet again. Only one of the three groups was sent home, and to the shock of everyone in the room (including Matt Breitzke, who I mentioned above asked Paula “so it’s a no, right?”) the group with Tatiana and Nick/Normand was not one of them.

The contestant pool was down to 54, who were invited to the “judge’s mansion” for the Chair Show. A new wrinkle was the sing-offs, where 10 of the 54 had to compete one on one with another contestant for a slot in the semi-finals. Alex Wagner-Trugman beat Cody Shelton, a high school guy who made horror movies. Kristen McNamara defeated Jenn Korbee even though Simon told her that Jenn was more attractive. Jessie Langseth beat Frankie Jordan, who was told by Simon that she would not have won anyway just to cheer her up. Nathaniel Marshall defeated Jackie Midkiff, a dude we had not seen until this show. We also learned that Nathaniel has been bouncing around from family member to family member after his mom was sent to prison on a drug charge. Blue collar guys Matt Breitzke and Michael Sarver battled to a draw as both dudes were put through. From this group only Michael Sarver made it to the finals. Danny Gokey’s BFF Jamal Rodgers was sent home to Milwaukee, much to the dismay of many viewers who wanted to see Tatiana Del Toro sent home instead. Nick Mitchell shocked the world by being put through. Steven Wright was put through even though he abandoned his last performance. Joanna Pacitti was put through because she was the designated ringer. We were finally introduced to Allison Iraheta, who Simon declared to be the dark horse of the competition. The real dark horse though, Kris Allen, only got 5 seconds of air time when he was told that he was through.

The semi-finals began with the surprise announcement that Joanna Pacitti was removed from the competition because of her connections with the Idol producers. The surprise was how long it took them to do that since this connection was common knowledge since her audition in Louisville. Just to mess up Vote for the Worst.com, the producers changed the format such that the top vote getters moved on instead of the bottom vote getters being sent home, making it harder for the worsters to manipulate the results since their pick, Tatiana Del Toro, had to overcome 9 other contestants instead of just 2. The first show began with Simon calling Jackie Thom “ungamly” and comparing the newly sexed up Alexis Grace to Kelly Clarkson. The producers sabotaged Brett Keith’s chances by playing Stevie Wright’s promo video instead. Stevie Wright’s mom expressed her frustration at the judges to Ryan, wondering why they criticized her daughter for sounding too young after they told Stevie in Hollywood to do exactly that. Ryan claimed that he and Michael Sarver were twins, then he got thrown off track by Anne Marie Boscovich after she sat on a hard spot on the couch. Tatiana Del Toro sang “Saving All My Love for You” for the first time and then claimed that the wacky chick featured on the audition shows was not the real her. Danny Gokey got the coveted closer spot and won the most votes in this group and a seat at the finals table, followed by Alexis Grace and Michael Sarver.

The second semi-final show was delayed 24 hours by a President Obama speech, which would happen again during the finals. Matt Giraud sounded like David Archuleta imitating Chris Martin while singing “Viva La Vida” and got panned by the judges. Nick Mitchell made love with the judges table, traded more sexual banter first with “sassy pants” Simon and then with Ryan, and was finally sent home after Paula refused to answer Ryan’s question about whether or not she would vote for Nick based solely on his singing. Perhaps for the first time ever, Ryan was honest with a contestant and told Nick that he didn't belong in the Top 12. Megan Joy Corkrey unveiled her tummy shimmy for the first time, inspiring Ryan to invite Paula to see his “cold hearted snake.” Jessie Langseth challenged Randy to be specific about what he did not like about her performance and what he would rather have her do instead. To his credit Randy actually had a coherent answer. Paula justified Mishavonna Henson’s cold performance of “Drops of Jupiter” by explaining to Simon that the song was about “drops, from Jupiter.” Both Paula and Simon complimented Jeanine Vailes’ legs. Jeanine then slammed the producers for hurting her chances to move on because she was not seen at all during the audition shows, a rather ironic statement considering both Kris Allen and Allison Iraheta both sang right after her. Kris modified the arrangement of Michael Jackson’s “Man in the Mirror”, a harbinger of things to come, and earned praise from Simon, who by doing so earned a kiss from Paula. Allison sang Heart’s “Alone” and was the best of the night by a country mile even though Kara thought she was too serious and Simon thought she was too boring during her Coca-Cola interview. Talk about your harbingers. Adam Lambert got the closer spot and brought down the house with his screaming rendition of “Satisfaction”. Adam was the top vote getter of the second group, followed by Allison Iraheta and Kris Allen. In retrospect the second group of semi-finalists was by far the most talented of the three.

Ryan began the third semi-final show by describing how the contestants abandoned their families to be on the show. Von Smith finally stopped shouting his songs and got compliments from all four judges including Simon, who compared Von to Clay Aiken. Kara criticized Taylor Vaifanua for not showing through her singing what it would be like to go shopping with her. This analogy got the judges babbling for about 10 minutes and almost brought Taylor to tears. Another analogy that got the judges babbling was Simon’s comparison of Alex Wagner-Trugman to “a hamster trying to be a tiger.” Arianna Afsar got tired of the judges constantly telling her that she was cute so she went all serious with an ABBA song and got trashed by the same judges. Ju’not Joiner needed a cortisone shot to his butt to make the show. Turns out he didn’t need to bother. The judges trashed Kristen McNamara’s clothes and did not bother to talk about her singing. Kara wanted to go sing karaoke with Nathaniel Marshall while he exchanged homo-banter with Ryan. Joanna Pacitti’s replacement Felicia Barton did well but not well enough to overcome the fact that she was brought in at the last minute. Simon predicted that Scott McIntyre would make the Top 12, a pretty safe bet at this stage of the competition. Simon and Paula debated whether or not Jorge Nunez should have sung with an accent. Lil Rounds got the closer spot and performed a Mary J. Blige tune for the only time in the competition, despite the constant pleas from Randy for her to do so every week after that. Lil and Scott were the top two vote getters from this group followed by Jorge Nunez.

The wild card show was brought back the following night, but this time only the judges got to choose the last entrants into the finals. 8 contestants were brought back to plead their case to the judges and sing for their very lives. Jesse Langseth made the mistake of listening to Randy’s advice and got panned for it by Randy himself. Kara proclaimed her lust for Matt Giraud. Not even a big screech at the end of her song could keep Simon from shoehorning Megan Joy Corkrey into the finals. Von Smith got too dark and serious for the judges’ taste and was sent home. Teenager Jasmine Murray unveiled a big voice and a small dress and worked her way into the finals. Ricky Braddy jeopardized his chances of advancing by taking on “Superstition” and for revealing that he found out two weeks before that he was going to be on the wild card show instead of the night before as Ryan claimed. It took me an entire page to write about what Tatiana Del Toro did during her performance, including: singing “Saving All My Love For You” again, passionately arguing with Simon after he called her out for singing the same song, dropping to her knees when Kara said that she thought she was watching “The Adventures of Tatiana,” and staying on her knees after Ryan asked her too, a watershed moment on the show according to Simon. When she was finally told by Paula that she was going home Tatiana collapsed in front of the judges table and forced Ryan to go to break to give time for the producers to coax Tatiana off the stage. Anoop Desai also chose to repeat a song he did in Hollywood Week, “My Prerogative”, but unlike Tatiana Simon did not call him out for doing so. Randy actually complimented him for doing so. The show ended with a surprise announcement from Simon, both Matt Giraud and Anoop Desai were in the finals as the Top 12 was going to become the Top 13.

The scene shifted to the Idol Theatre for the start of the finals, where I made this bold statement: “As we enter tonight’s final group Danny Gokey is the favorite to win it all, judging by the buzz I have heard and the amount of Google searches that have brought many of you to this site. However, if the last 3 seasons are any indication being the favorite coming out of the semis does not guarantee a recording contract in May. Just ask Chris Daughtry, LaKesha Jones, and David Archuleta.” Too bad that I could not use this same foresight to predict Kris Allen’s victory. Ryan and the judges were introduced by an unseen announcer, a trend that lasted until Fox refused to give the producers more time for the show. To help pay for Wacko Jacko’s mortgage the theme was songs by Michael Jackson. Sadly the King of Pop did not appear as a tor-mentor. Simon offered to straighten out Lil Rounds’ wardrobe choices and then told Scott McIntyre “It’s fine being artistic, just not on this show” after he chose to sing “Keep the Faith” to show off his artistry. Paula followed up by telling Simon that “Keep the Faith”, was the biggest selling single in Norway ever. Danny Gokey sang and danced his way through “PYT” and Paula predicted that Danny would be in the finale, a pretty safe bet at this stage of the competition. Michael Sarver dissed his old co-workers on the oil rig, too bad since he was going to soon join them. Paula got very technical critiquing Jasmine Murray’s performance of “I’ll Be There” and sure enough Jasmine was voted off the next night. Kara and Paula talked about Kris Allen’s sexiness even though Kris’ wife of 5 months was sitting 10 feet away from them. Simon openly wondered if Kris’ wife would jeopardize his chances of winning. I guess not. Kara also complimented Kris for being a mentor to the other contestants that week. Allison Iraheta unveiled her tough chick look with “Give It to Me” and received unanimous praise from the judges. Anoop Desai dared to take on “Beat It” and even Paula was critical of his song choice. They had the same reaction to Jorge Nunez’s choice of “Never Can Say Goodbye”. Megan Joy Corkrey cemented her place as the choice of Vote for the Worst.com by selecting “Rockin’ Robin” and adding a crow caw at the end of the song. The performance was so bad that it led to Simon to finally admit that he thought that Megan was “the great hope of American Idol” until that moment. After Adam Lambert’s performance of “Black and White” Paula predicted that Adam would join Danny Gokey in the finale. Well, she was half right anyway. After Matt Giraud’s performance of “Human Nature” Randy named dropped Justin Timberlake and Robin Thicke in record time. Alexis Grace took Kara’s advice and dirtied up her look for “Dirty Diana” but took it too far for Simon’s taste. On the results show Simon revealed that the judges would have the opportunity to save one contestant before the Top 5, but sadly for both Jasmine Murray and Jorge Nunez that power was not used on the first night.

Week two of the finals was Grand Ole Opry Week, or as they used to call it Country Week. Randy Travis was brought in as the first tor-mentor of the season. Randy advised Michael Sarver and Lil Rounds on their lickin’, wished that he had Danny Gokey’s soulfulness, urged Megan Joy Corkrey to pick up her game, and admitted “I don’t know what to say about this boy” when talking about Adam Lambert. Michael Sarver raced through the 10,000 or so words of Garth Brooks’ “Ain’t Going Down Until the Sun Comes Up”, and then scored some big points with the audience by telling Randy that country music was not about singing well but about having fun, and telling Simon that “if we were all perfect we wouldn’t need this show.” Paula urged Allison Iraheta to choose songs that make her sound more vulnerable after she rocked up “Blame It on the Heart”. Kris Allen brought out the tender side of Garth Brooks’ “To Make You Feel My Love” and for the first time Simon declared that Kris had a chance in this competition. Lil Rounds tried to “honor the country” with “Independence Day” and received criticism about the song choice from both Randy and Simon, a trend that would continue until she left the show. Randy Travis was left speechless by Adam Lambert’s Middle Eastern rendition of “Ring of Fire”, after which Simon tactfully asked “what the hell was that?” Simon and Paula got into another heated debate, this time over whether or not Scott McIntyre should perform without a piano after his so-so performance of “Wild Angels”. While those two were sniping at each other Randy mentioned that Idol was a singing competition for the first time this season. Kara wanted Alexis Grace to sing something hornier than Dolly Parton’s “Jolene”. Paula claimed that Carrie Underwood would buy Danny Gokey’s version of “Jesus, Take the Wheel”. Anoop Desai went from zero to hero with “You Are Always on My Mind”. Megan Joy Corkrey missed about 10,000 notes of “I Go Walking after Midnight” but because she was sick with the flu the judges were nice to her about it. Kara told Matt Giraud that “there ain’t nothing small about you, that’s for sure,” after his performance of “So Small”. Apparently the rest of America agreed with Kara’s assessment of Alexis Grace’s dirtiness because she was sent home the next night.

Yes, it is all about the judges, isn’t it?

Paula began Motown Week by hitting Ryan up for a date while the other judges paid their props to Barry Gordy and the tor-mentor for the week Smokey Robinson. Matt Giraud makes mad love with the microphone while singing “Let’s Get It On” and the judges declared Piano Man to be one of the front runners. Kris Allen sang a James Taylor version of “How Sweet It Is” without even knowing it was a James Taylor version, and Simon complained that Kris did not have enough self confidence. Paula and Simon bickered about Scott McIntyre again and this time Paula pulled a crayon box and some coloring books out from under the table and handed them to the “6 year old” sitting next to her. After the break Ryan asked Paula if she had anything else hiding under the table, and to everyone but Ryan’s surprise Paula replied that she still had something hidden under her skirt. Smokey proclaimed Megan Joy Corkrey to be “one of the most original contestants in the history of the show,” until Megan butchered “For Once in My Life” and Simon asked Megan to fire whoever was advising her. Anoop Desai’s version of “Ooh Baby Baby” left Randy wishing for the return of the dude who sang “My Prerogative”. Michael Sarver tried to church up “Ain’t Too Proud to Beg” and Paula almost had a heart attack because she could not say anything positive about it. Kara has no trouble finding the courage to tell Michael “that at this point in the competition it is not about the singing, it is about the artistry,” only two weeks after Simon said that artistry had no place on this show. Lil Rounds went with a retro version of “Heatwave” that Randy thought was torture and gave Simon another excuse to whine about Lil’s song choices. Lil was still diplomatic at this point but that would soon change. Adam Lambert pulled a surprise and sang an emotional and subdued version of “Tracks of My Tears”. Kara was wrong about the Tears for Fears song at the finale, it was this performance that was a game changer and almost single-handedly put Adam into the finale. Danny Gokey brought back the shouting and the clumsy dancing for “Get Ready”. Allison Iraheta rocked up the closer spot with “Papa Was A Rolling Stone” and Kara had an orgasm while telling Allison that she sounded like she had been singing for 400 years and that her talent came directly from God. Michael’s lack of artistry sent him packing, though he survived long enough to be on the summer tour.

Idol paid the bills the next week by using iTunes as a theme, essentially telling the contestants to sing whatever they wanted. Naturally questionable song choices became the theme of the night. Because Steve Jobs was otherwise unavailable Ryan pretended to be the tor-mentor and invited the kids to his big time radio show. Anoop Desai followed Randy’s advice and tried Usher’s “Caught Up” with not so good results. Despite that Anoop still declared that he wanted to be an R&B artist. Megan Joy Corkrey alienated what few sincere fans she had left by trying the reggae song “Turn Your Lights Down Low”. One of those sincere fans, which turned out to be Megan’s brother, shouted “broken record” at Kara while she was applying her negative comments about past Megan performances to this one. Danny Gokey earned some of his sincere fans back with Rascal Flatts’ “What Hurts The Most”. Allison Iraheta dug out a hideous red outfit and a guitar to stumble through No Doubt’s “Don’t Speak”, and Paula proclaimed that she only then realized that Allison had an edge. Scott McIntyre stayed behind the piano for Billy Joel’s “Just the Way You Are”, and instead of bickering with Simon Paula reminded us about Scott’s blindness with this gem of a compliment: “Out of all of the contestants that have graced this stage, I’m most proud of you. And I want the audience to know, it has nothing to do about your challenge but everything to do that makes me forget about that challenge.” Matt Giraud, fresh from his first bottom 3 appearance of the season, tried to sing The Fray’s “You Found Me” from the audience and left the judges searching for several different ways to say “karaoke.” Lil Rounds thought that by selecting the Celine Dion song “I Surrender” that the judges would stop whining about her song choices, but she was grossly mistaken. Ryan sent Lil’s sons to the judges table to beat up Simon but instead they gave Randy a big bear hug. Adam Lambert came back with the shouting of Wild Cherry’s “Play That Funky Music” but this time got nothing but compliments from the judges. Kris Allen got the closer spot for the first time and yet again put a creative spin on his song, Bill Withers’ “Ain’t No Sunshine”. After the one and only airing of The Osborne’s variety show/water boarding torture session Megan was finally sent back to her travel trailer.

The Top 8 show was the songs from the year the contestant was born week, and with Fox starting up Fringe again afterwards the challenge was on to finish the show in under an hour. The producers started by getting rid of the judges’ intros but they held back from deleting the iTunes plugs and the Coca-Cola treatments. After Danny Gokey sang Mickey Gilley’s version of “Stand by Me” (technically cheating since the song was originally recorded much earlier than Danny’s birth year) Randy declared Danny to be a vocal star on “a vocal talent show.” Kris Allen tried an Earth, Wind & Fire version of Don Henley’s “All She Wants to Do Is Dance” and got only negative comments, except for the tweener chick in the audience that shouted “You’re hot” during Simon’s critique. Lil Rounds finally explained the origin of her name (she was named after her grandmother Lilly) and did a reasonable facsimile of Tina Turner’s “What’s Love Got To Do With It”, but because it was not a Mary J. Blige song the judges got on her case about song choices again. Lil was still diplomatic at this point and claimed to Ryan that she was listening to the judges’ advice. Randy was not so diplomatic in saying that Lil was lying about that. Anoop Desai apologized for acting like a spoiled brat the week before and made up for it with a decent performance of Cyndi Lauper’s “True Colors”. Scott McIntyre tried to shock America by ditching the piano and instead playing guitar and singing a Survivor song, “The Search is Over”. Afterwards Scott argued with Simon about the quality of the song and argued with Randy about showing off versatility. Allison Iraheta sang the only 90’s song that night, Bonnie Raitt’s “I Can’t Make You Love Me”, and while Simon like all of the other judges loved the performance he thought that Allison needed a personality makeover. The producers showed Matt Giraud’s scary performance in a church musical as a kid. Matt fortunately recovered to sing a nice vocal of Stevie Wonder’s “Part Time Lover”. Adam Lambert closed the show with an eerie version of Tears For Fears’ “Mad World”. Because it was already 6 minutes past 9 p.m. Simon got to make the only comment and all he did was give Adam a standing ovation. Scott McIntyre’s attempt to shock America was successful, too successful in fact as he was voted off the next night.

Idol went to the movies the next week and invited Quentin Tarentino to be the tor-mentor. I was finally happy to have a tor-mentor that I could torment without guilt. Only two judges were allowed to comment after each performance and the show still went 6 minutes over. Allison Iraheta led off with a gritty version of “I Don’t Want To Miss a Thing” by Aerosmith (from Armageddon) and Simon paid a compliment to her and a backhanded insult at Lil Rounds by declaring that Allison was the chick’s best hope of winning this season. Quentin tried to get Anoop Desai to roughen up “(Everything I Do) I Do for You” by Bryan Adams (from Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves) but Anoop kept it soft and earned a “you worked it out” comment from Randy. Adam Lambert changed things up again by screaming through a techno-Euro version of Steppenwolf’s “Born to be Wild” (from Easy Rider). Paula praised Adam for daring “to dance in the path of greatness” while Simon thought it was a performance right out of the Rocky Horror Picture Show. This was allegedly a compliment. Both Randy and Kara thought Matt Giraud tried too hard to roughen up “Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman?” by Bryan Adams (from Don Juan DeMarco). Danny Gokey dedicated “Endless Love” by Diana Ross & Lionel Richie (from Endless Love) to his deceased wife and even Simon held back on his criticism, even though Simon did work in a comment saying that Danny’s version of a Lionel Richie song paled in comparison to David Cook’s version of Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from last season. Kris Allen again sang an obscure song, this time “Falling Slowly” by Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova (from Once). Beforehand Quentin thought that Kris lived up to the spirit of American Idol more than any of the other contestants. Little did he know how close to the truth he was. Lil Rounds closed the show by belting out “The Rose” by Bette Midler (from The Rose), and then finally released her pent up frustration at Simon after he again criticized Lil’s song choice. Lil tried to argue that she was putting herself into each of her songs, but Simon kept going back to the point that she sang a Bette Midler tune instead of a Mary J. Blige type song. Matt Giraud got the lowest number of votes, but Kara’s boy toy was saved when Simon decided to use the judge’s save power to keep him for another week.

Much like last season’s inspirational songs night when no one was inspirational, this season’s disco week did not include a single song with a disco arrangement. Perhaps it was the fact that the contestants knew that two people were going to be sent home the next night, or perhaps it was just another sign that disco is dead. Lil Rounds showed lots of energy both while singing Chaka Khan’s “I’m Every Woman” and when defending her artist choice and her artistry when the judges again got on her case for the song she chose. Kris Allen went acoustic and emo with Donna Summer’s “She Works Hard for the Money”, which he chose because the song had “something to say.” His performance reminded Paula of guys shopping in the women’s department. Danny Gokey mixed in lyrics from “I Can See Clearly Now”, and possibly two or three other songs, into Earth, Wind & Fire’s “September” and all the judges lauded his vocal prowess. Allison Iraheta changed “Hot Stuff” from a Donna Summer song to a Pat Benetar song, which Randy thought was an over-indulgent move even though he thought Allison sang it well. Adam Lambert took Yvonne Ellman’s “If I Can’t Have You” and turned it into a ballad from a Broadway musical. If anyone ever turns Saturday Night Fever into a musical Adam should be a frontrunner for John Travolta’s part. Kara likened his performance to “that guy from Saturday Night Live meets Clark Kent” while Paula was so overcome with emotion that she could not say anything coherent, even more so than usual. Matt Giraud turned the Bee Gees’ “Stayin’ Alive” into a white soul song and more or less took the soul out of the song. Paula compared Matt’s decision making process on songs to the way she bowls: “sometimes you pick gutter balls and sometimes you pick strikes,” while Simon told Matt that if he looked outside of “Idol World” he would see that his performance sucked. Anoop Desai ran out of breath before he could sing the glory note of Donna Summer’s “Dim All the Lights”. Sensing that his dawg was in trouble Randy reminded us yet again that Idol is a singing competition and that in his opinion Anoop can sing. The rest of America didn’t agree though, as both Anoop Desai and, as Simon predicted, Lil Rounds were both sent to the showers.

For the first time the Top 5 contestants only had to sing one song instead of two so that Fox could burn off the rest of their Fringe episodes. That was the good news for the contestants. The bad news was that the contestants had to sing songs from the Rat Pack and that Jamie Foxx was going to tor-mentor them because, as Kris Allen pointed out, all of the original Rat Packers were dead. Naturally all of the contestants except for Adam Lambert sang a song that Frank Sinatra covered, though not even Adam dared to take on Dean Martin’s material. Kris sang “The Way You Look Tonight” more or less straight, inspiring Foxx to declare Kris the best singer still in the competition, Kara to declare Kris the new dark horse, Paula to declare that Kris was a handsome, sophisticated gentleman, and Simon to declare that Kris was “wet.” Allison Iraheta celebrated her 17th birthday by singing “Someone to Watch Over Me”, which Foxx told Allison to dedicate to her family since she was still too young to have a boyfriend. Simon tried using reverse psychology to convince the viewers to vote for Allison by saying that she was in trouble because she was not confident enough. Matt Giraud struggled with the falsetto runs in his rendition of “My Funny Valentine”, though Simon praised Matt’s performance as authentic to justify his decision to save Matt. Foxx got into Danny Gokey’s grill while he performed “Come Rain or Come Shine” for him and Simon thought that brought out the best in Danny that we had seen yet. Randy again reminded us that Idol is a singing competition and that Danny can sing! Adam Lambert impressed Foxx because he was the only one who was not intimidated to stand in his presence. Adam’s screaming of “Feeling Good” started with a dramatic descent down a flight of stairs and ended with the longest glory note in Idol history. Randy thought it was too theatrical, which Simon thought was like complaining that a cow moos. Kara went into another fake orgasm and Paula compared Adam to Michael Phelps. Matt Giraud’s luck ran out as he was sent home, though more people were shocked by the fact that Kris Allen and Adam Lambert were in the bottom three with him, once again leading to claims that the producers were manipulating the votes. Nigel Lythgoe stepped over from his stupid dance show next door to confirm that the producers only knew the bottom three and the one with the lowest votes, and thus were free to manipulate who Ryan would claim had the second lowest vote total. Another myth shattered…

So the final four consisted of three contestants who were expected to be there, Adam Lambert, Danny Gokey, and Allison Iraheta, and one who was not, Kris Allen. Considering that the theme was rock and roll music the clock appeared to be inching towards midnight for the Tender Dawg. Because American Idol is a singing competition guitarist Slash was brought in tor-mentor the students on the finer points of singing rock songs. Adam Lambert dared the unthinkable, singing a Led Zeppelin song (“Whole Lotta Love”) on American Idol, and more or less got away with it. Kara thought that Adam should be “recording classic rock from the seventies and glam rock from the eighties like Nine Inch Nails.” I asked my faithful readers to count the number of errors in this sentence. I counted four: 1) “Whole Lotta Love” was recorded in the sixties; 2) the glam rock era was in the seventies; 3) Nine Inch Nails was an industrial rock band, not a glam rock band; and 4) Nine Inch Nails were a nineties band, though I guess you can give Kara partial credit for that one since their debut album was released in October 1989. Slash thought Allison Iraheta was partial to Janis Joplin material and she did not disappoint, singing “Cry Baby”. Simon was disappointed though because he wanted her to sing “the Queen song” “Somebody to Love”, which Allison considered but only the Jefferson Airplane version. Allison did not consider Kara’s suggestion of “Piece of my Heart” because that song had been sung too many times on Idol already. Kris Allen and Danny Gokey attempted a duet of Styx’s “Renegade” and it came across as one might expect, lots of shouting by Danny and lots of quiet emoting by Kris. Kris was determined to sing a Beatles song because that was the only rock act his voice could sing and settled on “Come Together”, though he got points for changing the arrangement to a bluesy-rock number, for being the only contestant willing to trade guitar licks with Slash, and for not panicking when a tweener girl in the audience shouted “I love you! I love you!” at him. Danny Gokey screamed his way through Aerosmith’s “Dream On”, especially the classic last note that Simon though Danny could use to audition for a horror movie. The other judges also had critical things to say (though Kara immediately contradicted hers), which surprised Danny so much that he thought he had to look at the replay to see if they were right. Allison and Adam closed the show with a rollicking version of Foghat’s “Slow Ride” that Simon thought was good enough to save Allison. Much to my disappointment that was not the case and Allison was voted out of the competition.

The Top 3 show has always been one of my favorites because of the humorous visits the contestants get to make to their hometowns and the interesting song choices the judges make for each of them. Paula, who has never chosen the song for the future winner, chose “Dance Little Sister” by Terence Trent D’Arby for Milwaukee, Wisconsin’s Danny Gokey. Danny danced and shouted his way through the song and over the band to mixed reactions from the judges, which ended when Simon and Paula second base sexually harassed each other off camera. With Kara’s help, Randy chose “Apologize” by One Republic for Conway, Arkansas’s Kris Allen because he wanted Kris to use his “big voice” on a “big song.” Kara thought Kris’s performance was merely competent and Simon got on her case for not telling Kris how she wanted the song to be sung. Kara then went into defense mode and claimed that she was much more experienced in interpreting songs that Simon was. Simon claimed that he personally contacted Bono to get permission for San Diego, California’s Adam Lambert to sing U2’s “One”. Adam turned the song into yet another eerie Broadway musical number. Kara praised Adam for his strategy of changing up songs and then claimed that this showed that she knew how to interpret songs. Ryan tried to get Adam to say that Simon had nothing to do with the performance except choosing the song, but Adam did not play along and admitted that Simon had actually given him advice on how to perform the song. After a break showing Carrie Underwood visiting an Angola malaria clinic, Danny chose to sing Joe Cocker’s “You Are So Beautiful”. Since Danny had been doing a pretty good imitation of Taylor Hicks up to this point this song choice made sense since Taylor sang this song on the Top 3 show too, though in that case Randy chose it for him. Danny must have realized that he actually was in danger of leaving the show so he took his singing up a notch to the delight of all the judges. Thinking that he needed to take a chance to stay on the show Kris Allen chose to sing a rap song, Kanye West’s “Heartless”, also to the delight of the judges. Kara was jealous because he didn’t do that to the song that she and Randy chose for him. Adam Lambert engaged in more method singing with Aerosmith’s “Cryin’” and I wondered why Aerosmith has never been a tor-mentor on this show since the contestants seem to pick a lot of their songs. Paula demonstrated that she was telling the truth about being in rehab by correcting her off the wall statement about frequent flier miles to say that Adam would be in the finale. Simon demonstrated that he still plays favorites by urging viewers to not take it for granted that Adam would make it and vote for him. As it turned out Paula was once again the Angel of Death, as the performer that she chose a song for, Danny Gokey, was eliminated, much to the surprise of the judges and Kris Allen.

For the second year in a row the finale was staged at the Nokia Theater, and for the second time in three years producer Clive Davis boycotted the show. Instead Idol über-producer Simon Fuller selected one of the three songs that each contestant sung. Each contestant also had to select one of the songs that they performed earlier in the season and they also had to sing a song written by Kara that, sappy as it was, was still better than what Idol used to get from the songwriting competition. Kris Allen made Adam Lambert go first and Adam chose to re-sing the Tears For Fears song “Mad World”. It was eerie like the first time he sang it but not as good. Kris went with Bill Withers’ “Ain’t No Sunshine” as his choice and it was better than the first time. Confidence will do wonders for your singing voice. Paula’s spirit was awakened by Kris’ ability to “Allenize” a song, and Simon declared that Round 1 went to Kris. Simon Fuller’s choice for Adam was Sam Cooke’s “A Change is Gonna Come”, perhaps to see if it would inspire Adam like it did Syesha Mercado last season. Randy thought Adam sang his face off and Kara praised Adam for “using both sides of yourself.” After Paula thought Adam’s performance was the best ever times 4 Ryan thought Paula was “into the herkey,” whatever that means. Simon Fuller chose Marvin Gaye’s “What’s Going On” for Kris, who chose to turn it into a Jason Mraz song. Kara sucked up to Simon Fuller by praising the song choice, while Randy thought Kris’s singing was too lightweight and Simon thought it sounded like “three friends in a bedroom strumming along to Marvin Gaye.” The final performances were of Kara’s song “No Surrender”, which was about mountains and hurricanes and perhaps rainbows and unicorns too. I don’t know because I didn’t pay much attention to the lyrics. Kara thanked Adam for screaming her song to millions of Americans and then told those same millions not to judge Kris by the way he sung it. On the final results show after 2 plus hours of singing and goofy choreography Simon for once did not attempt to predict a winner. Good thing too since he probably would have picked Adam and, as you now know, Kris Allen got the confetti shower instead.

The Final Score: 229 shots at Captain Jack Simon; 203 shots at Drunk Chick/Rehab Girl Paula; 184 shots at Trained Seal Ryan; 176 shots at Horny Chick Kara; 144 shots at Sexual Chocolate/Big Sexy Randy; 26 shots at Ricky Minor and the band; 55 shots at the tor-mentors (16 at Smokey Robinson, 13 at Randy Travis, 11 at Quentin Tarentino, 9 at Jamie Foxx, and 6 at Slash); and 132 shots at the audience. 89 references to former Idol contestants and 125 references to other non-Idol performers, plus all sorts of name drops, Coca-Cola treatments, iTunes plugs, K-word utterances, kayfabe violations, sports scores, and any anything else I could think of while watching The Late, Late Show. And Randy only reminded us 4 times that American Idol is a singing competition. I could have sworn it was more.

Your 3 Stars of the Season: Kris Allen is an obvious choice because he won. Adam Lambert is an obvious choice because everybody thought he would win, but the only one who I would even consider buying an album from is Allison Iraheta. Adam Lambert’s performance of “Tracks of My Tears” was a game changer. Allison Iraheta’s performance of Heart’s “Alone” in the semi-finals made her my personal favorite. Both of Kris Allen’s performances of “Ain’t No Sunshine” helped Kris overcome the apathy the producers had for him.

Idol Gives Back: Just like last season I aced the semis but had a lousy record in the finals. I was 8-1 in the semis and would have had a perfect record were it not for Jorge Nunez. I thought after he was eliminated on the first week of the finals that I would fair better but I only got 5 predictions correct out of 13. I too underestimated Kris Allen and his tweener fan base, but in looking back Anoop Desai had a larger impact on my crappy record than Kris did. I predicted Anoop’s departure 4 separate times before he was finally eliminated. I did correctly predict his actual departure, along with that of Jasmine Murray, Michael Sarver, Lil Rounds, and Matt Giraud.

The Fearless Predictions:
Kris Allen teen heartthrob status will last until his second album that will bomb, forcing him to go back to college to study whatever it was he was studying. It must be something boring like science or engineering since the producers never bothered to mentioned it.

Adam Lambert will star in the next Broadway revivals of Tommy, Hair, and every other rock opera produced over the last 30 years plus of course the new musical version of Saturday Night Fever. And then publically reveal that he is gay.

Danny Gokey will take Taylor Hicks’ place as “Teen Angel” in the travelling company of Grease and will remarry, perhaps to his BFF Jamal Rodgers.

Allison Iraheta will put out an album that no one but me will buy, go on to college and discover an art class, and tour small houses in New York and L.A. as a bohemian artist and singer.

Matt Giraud will have his forehead mole removed and go back to playing in bars, albeit nicer ones than before. Perhaps he may stop by Carly Smithson’s bar in San Diego.

Lil Rounds will record a Mary J. Blige song that will win her a Grammy, where she will dis Simon Cowell in her acceptance speech.

Anoop Desai will put out an album full of attitude that will bomb, but then he’ll make millions by putting out a brand of spicy southern barbeque sauce full of attitude.

Scott McIntyre will appear in charity events around the country talking about how blind people can do normal things like sing and play instruments, and while on tour will use his special powers to make a blind child see.

Megan Joy Corkrey will go back into drug rehab. There, I said it. It is my last post of the season so damn the political correctness.

Michael Sarver will have to go back to school and study for a new career since his buddies on the oil rig won’t be able to stop laughing at him.

Alexis Grace will finally marry the fiancée that she talked about at her audition and led a relatively normal life, provided that she stops listening to Horny Chick’s advice.

Jasmine Murray will make a cameo appearance on 90210, ride on a float in the Rose Parade, and then will fade back into obscurity, kind of like that teenage girl from Season 5 whose name I cannot remember.

Jorge Nunez is already back in San Juan using his brief time on Idol to impress the chicas.

The Armchair Idol Judge will resume his Tuesday night workouts at the gym, go to bed at reasonable hours, and by doing so lose 15 pounds and improve his life, then gain it all back in January when Season 9 begins. Hope to see you all then!

We are adjourned.