Death To Disco

So last week the producers changed up the format and had only two judges make comments after each performance and they still ended up going several minutes past 9, just like the week before when they had one more contestant and all four judges babbling. So what will the producers do now that the judges exercised their save power and kept the contestant number at 7? Perhaps it is too much to ask for Trained Seal to do one less plug for iTunes or one less Coca-Cola interview.

You remember how the producers promised to feature the contestants more this season? Neither do I. Honestly, the only difference I have noticed is that there are fewer tor-mentors this year compared to last year, but other than that I do not feel like the producers have made any additional effort to feature the contestant’s personalities, at least since Tatiana Del Toro was sent home. Here is what I remember about each contestant:

Allison Iraheta is 16 years old, her parents are immigrants from El Salvador, and she has pink hair.
Anoop Desai is studying southern American culture at the University of North Carolina, is an only child, and his parents are immigrants from India.
Adam Lambert has appeared in touring productions of Broadway musicals and is probably gay.
Danny Gokey is from Milwaukee, auditioned with his best friend, and his wife died last year.
Kris Allen is handsome.
Lil Rounds has two young boys and saw her apartment damaged in a tornado last year.
Matt Giraud makes a living playing a piano in a bar and sang in a church musical when he was a kid.

I think I knew more about the bland, plastic contestants last season than I do about the ones this season. Perhaps this is a good thing, but it is not what I was promised. Well that and flying cars.

Last week everybody except Broadway Boy sang their songs the same way. Start slow, build up to a loud section finished off by a long glory note, and then either end the song there or do a quiet verse or two to finish it. I said last week that I would have thought better of Kris Allen’s performance, which many other commentators thought was good, if only everyone else before him had not done their songs the exact, same, way he did. Even Allison Iraheta, who I had high hopes for at the start of the finals because she had a unique singing style, has drunk the Idol Kool-Aid and succumbed to this nonsense. I am no fan of Adam Lambert’s screeching, but at least he is daring to be different and that alone may be enough for him to win this singing competition. Hopefully since tonight is disco night we might see some more variation in the arrangements but my hopes are not high. If it gets too bad I’ll switch to recapping the Sharks-Ducks game.

Instead of a live dramatization by Trained Seal to start the show we get a video recap of last week’s history making save by the judges. At the time I didn't notice how strongly Horny Chick reacted to the saving of her boy toy but in retrospect it does make a lot of sense. It also appears that the unseen announcer has been laid off because for the third or fourth straight week there are no intros after the opening theme. The audience boos the fact that two people are going home tomorrow thanks to the judges saving Matt Giraud last week. Don’t those morons understand the premise of this show? Somebody has to go home or else this is just an exhibition, and who the hell wants to see that?

Lil Rounds – “I’m Every Woman” by Chaka Khan: Since Mary J. Blige doesn't do disco this is probably as close as Lil can get to selecting an artist that the judges might approve of. I guess the producers were not happy with Lil’s back talking last week so they put her in the curtain jerking spot tonight, or perhaps they want to give her more time to make a scene again without the pressure of pre-empting Fringe. Lil starts cold without an intro video and has a pretty standard outfit and hair-do this week. She shows lots of energy as she parades around the stage but it is not exactly an impressive vocal. Ricky Minor’s band and the back-up singers seem to have the more challenging parts. Despite the fact that the song is not a ballad Lil still manages to get a glory note in at the end. Big Sexy is once again not happy with the song choice, claiming that Lil still has not demonstrated her alleged vocal skills. It is pretty much the same thing he has been saying every week, only this time there was no Mary J. name drop. Kara was happy that Lil chose a Chaka Khan song but didn't think that the wait was worth it. She then says that Lil has been every woman except herself in this competition. Neither Lil nor her parents are pleased (no surprise there) but for once Horny Chick is right on the money (big surprise there). Drunk Chick tries to defend Lil by claiming that she had no voice yesterday, and then she criticizes Lil for not showing her inner goddess. Captain Jack thinks Lil looks sad, prompting Lil to defend herself and claim that she had fun and was happy since she got to show herself as an artist. The Captain is not impressed and tells Lil that this is the last week that we will see her because the performance was pure copy-cat. The producers prompt Trained Seal to ask Lil to defend herself and Lil obliges by defending her artist choice and claiming that she was “not karaoke” tonight, though none of the judges said the K-word in their criticism. Basically she once again blew off the judges and claimed that America will back her up. The only difference this time is that Lil showed a small degree of honesty by not promising to do better next week.

Kris Allen – “She Works Hard for the Money” by Donna Summer: Kris’ performances thus far have been mostly safe and boring. However, unlike Lil Rounds he has been showing some creativity in his song choices, like this one for example. Trained Seal has time to give Kris the Coca-Cola treatment. Kris was worried about this week’s theme and then claims that he chose this song because he has “something to say.” About what no one is sure, not even Kris. Trained Seal then sneaks in a plug for the summer tour before throwing it to Kris. An intersecting start to an interesting song choice, as Kris is going all acoustic and turning the song into an unplugged emo-esque number. I can even hear his guitar this time. David Cook is probably at home thinking that Kris stole his act. His singing is decent but not spectacular, but he deserves kudos for the original arrangement. Horny Chick is in love with the risk that Kris took with the song and cannot understand how Kris did that. Well, you start by writing some notes, then working with the musicians, and do all the other things that Kara claims to do for a living. Drunk Chick name drops Santana and then compares Kris’ performance to guys shopping in the women’s department. To their credit the audience is actually laughing at Drunk Chick even though Paula looks very serious as she said babbles on about shopping. This is not an example of laughing with somebody. Simon asks for a translator and Drunk Chick accuses him of shopping in the women’s department. Captain Jack then back handed insults Lil again by saying that Kris’ performance was the exact opposite to “the last performance”. Randy thinks Kris knows who he is and that he is ready for the big time. Trained Seal translates the judges’ comments by telling Kris that they like him.

Danny Gokey – “September” by Earth, Wind, & Fire: Danny comes out and channels Taylor Hicks, complete with the dancing and odd shouts. I bet that Danny will be dropped by his record company and end up in a touring Broadway production too. Unlike Taylor he is taking a lot of liberty with the lyrics. Danny has tweaked the arrangement and taking some of the disco out of the song and replaced it with a whole lot of shouting. Then when they get to the bridge Danny and the back-up singers suddenly start singing the lyrics to “I Can See Clearly Now” instead of his chosen song. David Archuleta’s dad is probably at home thinking that Danny stole his son’s act. Danny and the band are clearly having a good time but from a singing standpoint it was not all that good. I am impressed though with how he worked in about four different songs into his performance. Big Sexy starts by expressing his doubts about Danny’s song choice, so we all know what is coming next so I won’t bother to repeat it. Horny Chick was worried about Danny this week but thought Danny was an incredible vocalist with right-on pitch. I am wondering how Kara could have possibly heard which pitch Danny was singing. Drunk Chick admires Danny’s brilliance and, as a woman, she thinks Danny has one of the sexist voices she has ever heard and that woman of all ages will agree. I will have to take her word on that. Captain Jack thought the performance was technically good but that he didn't catch any star power from Danny. Drunk Chick of course has to interject to declare that she will see Danny in the finals. For some unexplained reason Danny forms a heart with his hands as Ryan gives out the phone number. Did he dedicate that song to his dead wife too or has someone else entered his life? Of course Trained Seal does not bother to ask.

Allison Iraheta – “Hot Stuff” by Donna Summer: Allison starts out the song very slow and sitting on the back stairs and I fear that she is doing the Idol pattern again along with again wearing Alexis Grace’s hot pants. Sure enough the song tempo picks up, but instead of keeping the disco ball spinning as Trained Seal promised Allison has turned this into a Pat Benetar song. After some more tough lyrics Allison ends with the requisite glory note. I don’t know about this one. The vocals were good as usual but the arrangement was so unoriginal that as a whole it felt kind of flat for me. Big Sexy thought the arrangement was over-indulgent but then to quiet the boos he declares that Allison is a great singer. Horny Chick copes out and agrees with Randy on everything he said and gives the singing a 9 out of 10. Drunk Chick thinks that Allison doesn't have compromise in her vocabulary and praises Allison for her authenticity. I seem to remember she said the same thing to both David Cook and Chris Daughtry. She must have a thing for rockers. Anybody know if she said the same thing to Bo Bice or Constantine Maroulis? Captain Jack thought it was a brilliant performance without a trace of irony and Allison is in tears.

Adam Lambert – “If I Can’t Have You” by Yvonne Ellman: I will be surprised if Broadway Boy does this song straight, but Adam has been nothing but surprising thus far this season so it is within the realm of possibility that he will. He is wearing a suit so who knows. But before we find out Adam gets a quick Coca-Cola treatment. Adam starts the song as a slow ballad and shows off his singing skills. Boy is he milking it. He looks like he is on the verge of tears. Drunk Chick has already beaten him to it. Adam tosses in a couple of mild screams but that is all this week, and sure enough he did not sing it straight. Not even close. But you know, that was one good performance, enough for me to forgive him for his screeching for at least a week. Best of the night so far, and yes, I think that was a goosebump I just felt. Big Sexy thinks Adam is ready “right now” but for what he doesn't say. Horny Chick is speechless but still manages to ramble on for several minutes, comparing Adam to “that guy from Saturday Night Live meets Clark Kent.” If you understand who Kara is referring to please let me know. Drunk Chick felt Adam’s pain and is so overcome with emotion (the “pool of Abdul” as Trained Seal put it) to say anything else coherent. Captain Jack thought Adam would do a Donna Summer number and was thankful that he didn't and then gives Adam all sorts of positive comments. Adam credits Michael Orelens, whoever he is, for the arrangement. Good thing since that arrangement may have won this competition for Broadway Boy.

Matt Giraud – “Stayin’ Alive” by The Bee Gees: Perhaps an appropriate choice for the guy who was voted off the show last week but is still alive thanks to Captain Jack. Matt is back with the hat and immediately starts into the shouting. He has also tweaked the arrangement to make it more white soul funky, which is clearly pleasing the ban and is the closest to an original version that anyone has tried tonight. Matt’s singing is a little on the sloppy side but he is staying in tune and on the beat. It was decent but sounded kind of cruise ship like, including the requisite glory note at the end. Big Sexy didn't like the song choice or the arrangement but thinks that Matt can really sing. He then goes on to claim that this group of 7 kids is the most talented group of 7 that the show has ever had, and all this time Trained Seal was telling us that was last season’s group of 7 was the most talented group ever. Horny Chick was happy that Matt brought the disco group back (I guess close counts for her) and compliments Matt on “his moves” because this is a singing competition. Drunk Chick thinks that Matt picks songs like she bowls: “sometimes you pick gutter balls and sometimes you pick strikes.” And this week it was a strike that "saved" Matt’s life. Seriously, I cannot make stuff like this up. Captain Jack puts a damper on things by criticizing the performance, claiming that if Matt went outside of “Idol World” he would see that his performance was desperate and unoriginal, and someone in the crowd besides Drunk Chick and Horny Chick screams in horror.

Before the final performance Trained Seal pimps the Coca-Cola cups but doesn't mention the cup contest. Come to think of it, there has been no mention of a song writing contest this year. Too bad, I loved how Andrew Lloyd Webber trashed it last year during the finale. That alone almost made it interesting, which may explain why there has been no mention of it this season.

Anoop Desai – “Dim All the Lights” by Donna Summer: I bet you that he follows the Idol pattern that I pontificated about at the start of this recap because this song would seem conducive to that kind of treatment, as is Anoop. Anoop is sporting some facial hair for the first time, I guess to show off his attitude. Sure enough, he starts out slow and then picks up the tempo. He is staying more or less in tune but there is not much richness to his voice. It sounds thin to me. I don’t know if this has been the case all along and I just haven’t noticed it or if somehow the mustache has taken away his cajones. Anoop tries to end with a glory note but suddenly stops as if he is out of breath. Big Sexy “thinks that sometimes we forget that this is a singing competition” (everyone take a drink!) before criticizing the arrangement and claim that Anoop is a good singer. I think the count for the number of times Big Sexy has said that Idol is a “singing competition” is up to 5 now I think. Admittedly I have lost track and I am too tired to go back through the old recaps and recount. I’ll leave that to you if you are so inclined. It also sounds like Big Sexy is mailing it in this week. Horny Chick liked the song choice and thinks Anoop’s performance could be on the radio. Talk radio maybe. Drunk Chick loves the facial hair, the beautiful vocals, and Anoop’s pink sweater. Simon disagrees with the others and thought the performance was mediocre at best and Anoop’s worst to date. He was also sad that the tempo picked up, though Captain Jack did refrain from saying anything about the pink sweater. Must be because it is close to 9 pm.

And now the continuation of Fringe. Viewer discretion is advised. And can you believe it; they actually managed to finish right on time even though Drunk Chick commented on every performance.

The Final Score: 13 shots at Drunk Chick Paula; 11 shots at Horny Chick Kara; 10 shots at Captain Jack Simon; 10 shots at Trained Seal Ryan; 9 shots at Big Sexy Randy; 3 shots at Ricky Minor and the band; and 4 shots at the audience. 8 references to former Idol contestants and 6 references to other non-Idol performers. 8 songs by 7 contestants, Sharks 4, Ducks 3, 2 Coca-Cola treatments, 2 iTunes plugs, 2 Fringe plugs, 2 Idol pattern performances, 2 tear appearances, 2 references to imaginary Idol competitions, 2 broken promises, 1 K-word utterance, 1 name drop, 1 shop till you drop, 1 bowling reference, 1 trip outside of Idol World, 1 goose bump, and not a single disco arrangement on disco night. I guess the rumors of disco’s demise are not greatly exaggerated after all.

Your 3 Stars of the Night: Adam Lambert took Danny Gokey’s place as the front runner with his performance tonight. Kris Allen continued with the interesting arrangements and put himself in line for at least a Top 5 finish. I’ll give the third star to Allison Iraheta because her vocals were good even though everything else was not.

Idol Gives Back: Since the judges saved Matt Giraud last week I too was saved from yet another incorrect pick, though again I had him at least in the bottom 3. I don’t know if I were an official judge if I would have voted to save Matt and I have my doubts as to the claim that the decision last week was “historic”, but at least we no longer have to endure the awkward moment on the results show when after the last song the doomed contestant and Trained Seal stand there and watch the audience demand that the judges use their save power. And now that the power has been used it will be interesting to see the audience’s reaction when someone else besides Matt ends up with the lowest vote total the next two weeks.

The Fearless Prediction: Unless Lil Rounds’ appearance in the bottom 2 last week was solely because her rant was cut off by badly programmed DVRs I have to agree with Simon that Lil is on her way out tomorrow, despite her belief that America, or at least fans of Vote For The Worst.com, will once again save her. The second goner is harder to predict. I suspect that Matt Giraud will be back in the bottom group again but won’t need another judges’ save until next week. I would not be surprised to see Allison Iraheta or even Danny Gokey there too, which will cause Captain Jack to worry that he used the judges’ save too soon. However, I will again dare to predict that Anoop Desai will be going home tomorrow night. I figure if I keep predicting his departure I will eventually get it right.