Case Summary S12-2013 Part 4: Things We Learned From Idol This Year

We learned so much from American Idol this year that I felt this deserved its own post.

Things we learned about Mariah Carey, aka Glitter Girl: Mariah had a singing camp in the woods, knows how to say hello in Hebrew, starting writing songs at Age 6, was a beauty school dropout, could identify with shy kids who use music as "escapism", knows the words to the National Anthem, knows that Elvis had a guitar, had nerve damage in her arm, has a little bit of soul in her, digs Arkansas accents, can recognize an Aretha song, knows what Randy will say before he says it even though she can’t interpret it, talks to angels, doesn't care if contestants have fits on pianos, thinks songwriters are the most successful people in the music business and songwriting is the key to a long career, hates doing the 2-person thing, doesn't know what it means when a song is too big for someone, thinks Randy is holding back emotionally, can see auras, wears skirts that are so tight that she can't stand up, can relate to overcoming obstacles even though she may never have faced any, is afraid of doing cover songs because people will complain, knows what "tour de force" means, wants Garth Brooks' forgiveness for not knowing all of his songs, is an American, isn't afraid to steal arrangements from Idol contestants, doesn't sing "Without You" in the USA, prefers sorrow to anger, couldn’t come to terms with the fact that Candice was a travel agent, is proud of America because of how they voted, and was Idol's best rambler since Paula Abdul.

Things we learned about Nicki Minaj, aka Jaws: Nicki wanted to be a bus driver, doesn’t dig Justin Bieber, eats turkey bacon every day, sometimes thinks her hair is edible like cotton candy, has special powers whenever she has a towel over her head, likes Oklahoma accents, is a closet romantic, can see greatness in dudes who forget their lyrics, likes to jack around with guys who are tired, is turned off by dudes that are nervous, is no fan of pity parties, likes to eat contestants, hates it when the contestants sing what the judges want to hear, thinks Cortez is a sexy name, is not interested in eating crab legs, knows about 4 words in Spanish including “nervous”, thinks "Iris" is one of the greatest songs of all time, would buy blankets with Elijah Liu's face on it, loves to eat buttermilk waffles, forgot that the shows are broadcast live and thus cannot be fashionably late to the show, was at war with Fox's censor, wants Smokey Robinson to be her sugar daddy, has a clothing line, wears a size 5 shoe, does her own makeup, has everything she ever wanted in life thanks to Amber, cried when she first heard the Whitney/Mariah duet, is made happy by "Straight Up", thinks we're all part of this diva game, secretly married Jimmy after Kree broke off their engagement, and rumor has it might worship the devil.

Things we learned about Randy Jackson, aka Sole Survivor: Randy wanted to be a NASCAR driver, thinks chicken gets a bad rap, thinks "you're allowed to feel on Idol," was born in Baton Rouge, is the captain of his ship, can get indigestion from hearing people sing, thinks "Coca-Colas are good," has a Twitter handle with YO in the title, finally realized that Idol is not a singing competition, thinks that prayer works and that last season was a different time in our lives, is searching for the big moments, is annoyed by ballads, has ears that are shaped slightly different, thought that he never mentioned tone on this show, thinks Nicki is funny, would wear a vest with fringes, thinks the secret to singing rock songs is having the right attitude, wanted to see more cookies from Janelle, loves Vince Gill, thinks Idol inspires people, felt free to criticize "the boss" since he was leaving, and still gets no respect.

Things we learned about Keith Urban, aka Mr. Kidman: Keith once sang on a train, wants an alter ego, never heard Billie Holliday while growing up in Australia but still managed to hear the Jackson 5’s “I’ll Be There”, has an astrological sign of Confused, likes the nickname "Urban", is in favor of "more mass slaughtering," thinks "wrongest" is a word, can bring a man to tears with just a comment, can read Nicki’s mind, needs more time for adjectives, figured out how to keep the audience from booing him by mixing in praises with his criticisms, felt honored when contestants butchered his songs, thought Idol was a “connection competition” rather than a singing competition, once had a girlfriend that could have busted out his car windows, thinks real artists ignore critiques that don't pertain to them, has a lot of favorite Beatles songs, can't critique a chick who irons other people's shirts, thinks Billy Joel wrote some cool songs, can spot physical ailments from a distance, realized how good of a song "Straight Up" is, wanted to cry every time he heard Angie's voice, thinks of Richard Harris whenever he thinks of disco, is looking for someone to throw a mic stand and show some "frickin emotion" that will break his heart, thinks it's pretty bizarre for people to sing in front of an audience, doesn't pay attention to the pre-performance videos, and is the Stig, though nobody cares what the Stig is.

Things we learned about all the judges, aka The Judges: All the judges were confused by a ventriloquist, had some tense words during their deliberations, and not only disagreed with Jimmy but also were afraid of him.

Things we learned about Ryan Seacrest, aka Trained Seal: Ryan learned how to say "superstar" in sign language, found joy in the music sung on the streets of San Antonio, can see fake dead people, thinks the judges are tough on country singers, likes contestants that are only 5 feet tall, forgot that the live elimination shows are before a live studio audience, craves masculinity, is looking for places in the Philippines to hang out, needs help dealing with bad boys, was born with a lot of cheese, follows Carrie Underwood, has the same swerve as Randy but doesn't want to talk about how to work a skirt, is 5'-8 1/2" tall, forgot that Mariah was in a movie, can't do attitude faces because he's short, is no longer pimping the iTunes because Carson Daly is pimping them on The Voice instead, can spot chemistry from a distance, knows the full name of "Satisfaction", is stronger than he looks, is not impressed that Idol is in the broadcasting hall of fame, can do the shoulder bounce, wanted to beat up Jimmy, wasn't sure if 1 or 2 chicks were going home after no one was eliminated the week before, has been a victim of swatting, wonders how the performers can sing songs that they've never heard before, thinks AT&T is your lifeline, and has a future as a psychotherapist if this hosting thing doesn't work out for him.

Things we learned about Jimmy Iovine, aka Andy Cap: Jimmy is not only is still in the Idol cast but also has a speaking role, once worked with Madonna, gets nervous talking to the contestants, thinks everyone in the world has heard "Let It Be", likes his singers restrained, believes Nicki is in love with him, thinks the other judges favored Amber, wonders how the performers can sing songs after watching emotional videos, and thinks John Lennon could have used some psychotherapy.

Things we learned about Nigel Lythgoe, aka The Producer: Nigel permitted original songs to be sung after the auditions, didn't have time for Jimmy Iovine, was willing to sacrifice the ratings to get a chick winner, and was indeed picking the contestant's songs.

Things we learned about the contestants: Nobody seemed thrilled to meet Randy in person. Johnny Keyser learned that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Burnell Taylor was infatuated with Amber Holcomb and had a NOLA accent so strong that none of the other contestants could understand what he was saying. Lazaro Argos has special powers and impressed la chicas with his bright clothes but is not Elvis. Janelle Arthur is "counnntree", is a drama queen, got laughed at by Burnell, and wears a size 6 cowboy boot. Amber talks to herself, loves taking pictures of herself, has a sister in the Army, and was uncomfortable about Burnell's infatuation. Angie Miller is a champion speed clapper and can stare down anyone. Kree Harrison appeared on Rosie O'Donnell's show when she was a kid, knows "everyone", is a hugger, liked to iron the other contestant's shirts, and was born in the same hospital as Janis Joplin. Candice Glover tried out in Seasons 9 and 11 but not Season 10 as I had thought, had her own room, and a love/hate relationship with both Burnell and Nicki.

Things we learned about American Idol: Idol had a small bus tour and raised the age limit from 27 to 29. A contestant can forget his lyrics and still move on to the next round. The Idol audience was so anxious to boo any criticism that they would even boo ones that are a joke. The Idol reject appeared on The Tonight Show the next night. Idol is much more fun to watch while drinking a full bottle of wine.

Things we learned about life: PLWJ is a lousy nickname. Victoria's Secret makes DDD bras. Amazon has its own clothing line. Mars' red surface is because it's made of iron oxide. There are apparently small towns in the suburbs of Boston. Too many kids today have never heard a Beatles song. Not everyone from New Orleans knows how to pronounce French words. There's a dialect known as Geechee. The mini-series The Bible is based on a book. Togo's mission is to save the world, one sandwich at a time. Fake Vikings think Alec Baldwin can act. JC Penney has learned from their mistakes. VMS has incompetent employees. Levi's business is doing so well they could pay the San Francisco 49ers millions of mullah to slap their name on their new football stadium. Nationwide Insurance tails its customers with helicopters. Erica had a rough day. Hyundai's cars can email you and tell you how they feel. There's yet another movie coming out that includes the White House getting blown up. In the pursuit of fabulous the savvy always win.

Things we learned about other celebrities: Emma Stone has a raspy voice because she screamed for 6 months straight when she was a baby. Jennifer Hudson hates getting up in the morning. Kim Jung Un and Dennis Rodman are friends for life. Charles Barkley has large drawers. Joy Behar has been on The View for 17 years. Shirley Bassey is Welsh. Kate Moss is eating better, or at least eating. Ashley Judd was apparently contemplating running for the U.S. Senate. Smokey Robinson grew up around the corner from Aretha Franklin, was the first to record "I Heard It Through The Grapevine", and doesn't know how many hit songs he's associated with. Rihanna is taking on the world. The Rolling Stones are coming to town. Anthony Hopkins loves the lady birds. Mr. T's work is done. Nate Montana has his father's eyes. Patrick Willis' feelings are hurt. Miles Davis gave Randy advice about singing even though Miles never sang on any of his recordings. Harry Connick Jr. wants to look like Candice if she were a man and wasn't there to blow smoke up the contestant's asses. Don Cheadle likes nature shows with penguins. Carly Rae Jepsen was a finalist on Canadian Idol in 2007.

Things learned by Me, aka The Armchair Idol Judge: The Armchair Idol Judge learned which channel Oprah's network is on, how to use an app that syncs photos between an iPhone and an iPad, how to edit HTML to get the fonts to show correctly, that "boggled" and "croaky" are real words, that there are Beatles songs that I have never heard before, that there was a singer named Emeli Sande, and that Idol has a cute Asian chick backup singer. Though if Cheyennis Doom is still out there….

The grand finale for the season recap will be my fearless predictions for the Top 10 finalists, plus now apparently 3 judges that are leaving. Perhaps 4. Perhaps 5?