Case Summary S12-2013 Part 5: The Fearless Predictions

To close out my Season 12 recap here are my fearless predictions for the Top 10 contestants and the departing, perhaps departing, and perhaps not departing members of the American Idol cast and crew.

Curtis Finch, Jr. will return the computer that he got arrested for stealing in order to cleanse himself of his sins.

Paul Jolley will be cast by Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber in his next Broadway musical, "He’s a Little Bit Country".

Devin Valez will first kiss and make up with Nicki, then will come out of the closet by kissing and making up with Lazaro, literally.

Burnell Taylor will honeymoon in France with his new bride Candice and show off his French speaking skills to the locals.

Lazaro Argos will be part of a goodwill mission to Cuba and won’t be allowed to return by the Cuban government that is desperate for role models with special powers.

Janelle Arthur will be the lead singer for a Goth rock group after she discovers she’ll make more money in that genre than in the country genre that is too saturated with blonde former Idol contestants.

Amber Holcomb will be the understudy for Season 7 contestant Syesha Mercado in her role in the travelling cast of Book of Mormon (and not Rent, which I had predicted for Syesha 6 years ago).

Angie Miller will team up with her twin sisters Angela Miller and Miley Cyrus to star in a remake of Disney’s The Parent Trap.

Kree Harrison will sincerely thank Jimmy Iovine for everything he did for her after he dumps Kree from his label.

Candice Glover might actually have a decent career, unless she follows Nicki’s advice and records a dance music album in Geechee.

Randy Jackson will call Simon Fuller next year and beg for his job back, only to be told that the show is being cancelled and that he should beg Simon Cowell for a job instead.

Mariah Carey will order her bodyguards to track down and beat up Jennifer Lopez, then enjoy a strong drink with fellow reality show judge reject Britney Spears.

Nicki Minaj will join the cast of Survivor and eat one of the other contestants, thereby bringing down yet another former #1 reality TV show. Dancing With The Stars will refuse her phone calls.

Keith Urban will be waiting by the phone.

Jimmy Iovine will contact Clive Davis and beg him to buy out Jimmy's contract.

Nigel Lythgoe will take Madonna’s advice and hit the dance floor to try and escape the pain of life that he knows.

Ken Warwick will deny any knowledge of his actions over the last 12 years.

Ryan Seacrest will be named the new executive producer of American Idol, completing his decade-plus long quest to become absolute ruler and master of his domain.

The Armchair Idol Judge will return to the gym, work on that 2-person thing that Mariah hates, recycle my 50 pages of notes that I took while watching Idol this season, attempt to find the life I lost in 2006 when I started watching American Idol, watch my blog stats for the false hits from spam sites, and will wait and see who the judges and producers will be next season before deciding if I want to update the photos and do another year of this.

Have a great Summer and Fall everybody! We are adjourned.

Case Summary S12-2013 Part 4: Things We Learned From Idol This Year

We learned so much from American Idol this year that I felt this deserved its own post.

Things we learned about Mariah Carey, aka Glitter Girl: Mariah had a singing camp in the woods, knows how to say hello in Hebrew, starting writing songs at Age 6, was a beauty school dropout, could identify with shy kids who use music as "escapism", knows the words to the National Anthem, knows that Elvis had a guitar, had nerve damage in her arm, has a little bit of soul in her, digs Arkansas accents, can recognize an Aretha song, knows what Randy will say before he says it even though she can’t interpret it, talks to angels, doesn't care if contestants have fits on pianos, thinks songwriters are the most successful people in the music business and songwriting is the key to a long career, hates doing the 2-person thing, doesn't know what it means when a song is too big for someone, thinks Randy is holding back emotionally, can see auras, wears skirts that are so tight that she can't stand up, can relate to overcoming obstacles even though she may never have faced any, is afraid of doing cover songs because people will complain, knows what "tour de force" means, wants Garth Brooks' forgiveness for not knowing all of his songs, is an American, isn't afraid to steal arrangements from Idol contestants, doesn't sing "Without You" in the USA, prefers sorrow to anger, couldn’t come to terms with the fact that Candice was a travel agent, is proud of America because of how they voted, and was Idol's best rambler since Paula Abdul.

Things we learned about Nicki Minaj, aka Jaws: Nicki wanted to be a bus driver, doesn’t dig Justin Bieber, eats turkey bacon every day, sometimes thinks her hair is edible like cotton candy, has special powers whenever she has a towel over her head, likes Oklahoma accents, is a closet romantic, can see greatness in dudes who forget their lyrics, likes to jack around with guys who are tired, is turned off by dudes that are nervous, is no fan of pity parties, likes to eat contestants, hates it when the contestants sing what the judges want to hear, thinks Cortez is a sexy name, is not interested in eating crab legs, knows about 4 words in Spanish including “nervous”, thinks "Iris" is one of the greatest songs of all time, would buy blankets with Elijah Liu's face on it, loves to eat buttermilk waffles, forgot that the shows are broadcast live and thus cannot be fashionably late to the show, was at war with Fox's censor, wants Smokey Robinson to be her sugar daddy, has a clothing line, wears a size 5 shoe, does her own makeup, has everything she ever wanted in life thanks to Amber, cried when she first heard the Whitney/Mariah duet, is made happy by "Straight Up", thinks we're all part of this diva game, secretly married Jimmy after Kree broke off their engagement, and rumor has it might worship the devil.

Things we learned about Randy Jackson, aka Sole Survivor: Randy wanted to be a NASCAR driver, thinks chicken gets a bad rap, thinks "you're allowed to feel on Idol," was born in Baton Rouge, is the captain of his ship, can get indigestion from hearing people sing, thinks "Coca-Colas are good," has a Twitter handle with YO in the title, finally realized that Idol is not a singing competition, thinks that prayer works and that last season was a different time in our lives, is searching for the big moments, is annoyed by ballads, has ears that are shaped slightly different, thought that he never mentioned tone on this show, thinks Nicki is funny, would wear a vest with fringes, thinks the secret to singing rock songs is having the right attitude, wanted to see more cookies from Janelle, loves Vince Gill, thinks Idol inspires people, felt free to criticize "the boss" since he was leaving, and still gets no respect.

Things we learned about Keith Urban, aka Mr. Kidman: Keith once sang on a train, wants an alter ego, never heard Billie Holliday while growing up in Australia but still managed to hear the Jackson 5’s “I’ll Be There”, has an astrological sign of Confused, likes the nickname "Urban", is in favor of "more mass slaughtering," thinks "wrongest" is a word, can bring a man to tears with just a comment, can read Nicki’s mind, needs more time for adjectives, figured out how to keep the audience from booing him by mixing in praises with his criticisms, felt honored when contestants butchered his songs, thought Idol was a “connection competition” rather than a singing competition, once had a girlfriend that could have busted out his car windows, thinks real artists ignore critiques that don't pertain to them, has a lot of favorite Beatles songs, can't critique a chick who irons other people's shirts, thinks Billy Joel wrote some cool songs, can spot physical ailments from a distance, realized how good of a song "Straight Up" is, wanted to cry every time he heard Angie's voice, thinks of Richard Harris whenever he thinks of disco, is looking for someone to throw a mic stand and show some "frickin emotion" that will break his heart, thinks it's pretty bizarre for people to sing in front of an audience, doesn't pay attention to the pre-performance videos, and is the Stig, though nobody cares what the Stig is.

Things we learned about all the judges, aka The Judges: All the judges were confused by a ventriloquist, had some tense words during their deliberations, and not only disagreed with Jimmy but also were afraid of him.

Things we learned about Ryan Seacrest, aka Trained Seal: Ryan learned how to say "superstar" in sign language, found joy in the music sung on the streets of San Antonio, can see fake dead people, thinks the judges are tough on country singers, likes contestants that are only 5 feet tall, forgot that the live elimination shows are before a live studio audience, craves masculinity, is looking for places in the Philippines to hang out, needs help dealing with bad boys, was born with a lot of cheese, follows Carrie Underwood, has the same swerve as Randy but doesn't want to talk about how to work a skirt, is 5'-8 1/2" tall, forgot that Mariah was in a movie, can't do attitude faces because he's short, is no longer pimping the iTunes because Carson Daly is pimping them on The Voice instead, can spot chemistry from a distance, knows the full name of "Satisfaction", is stronger than he looks, is not impressed that Idol is in the broadcasting hall of fame, can do the shoulder bounce, wanted to beat up Jimmy, wasn't sure if 1 or 2 chicks were going home after no one was eliminated the week before, has been a victim of swatting, wonders how the performers can sing songs that they've never heard before, thinks AT&T is your lifeline, and has a future as a psychotherapist if this hosting thing doesn't work out for him.

Things we learned about Jimmy Iovine, aka Andy Cap: Jimmy is not only is still in the Idol cast but also has a speaking role, once worked with Madonna, gets nervous talking to the contestants, thinks everyone in the world has heard "Let It Be", likes his singers restrained, believes Nicki is in love with him, thinks the other judges favored Amber, wonders how the performers can sing songs after watching emotional videos, and thinks John Lennon could have used some psychotherapy.

Things we learned about Nigel Lythgoe, aka The Producer: Nigel permitted original songs to be sung after the auditions, didn't have time for Jimmy Iovine, was willing to sacrifice the ratings to get a chick winner, and was indeed picking the contestant's songs.

Things we learned about the contestants: Nobody seemed thrilled to meet Randy in person. Johnny Keyser learned that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Burnell Taylor was infatuated with Amber Holcomb and had a NOLA accent so strong that none of the other contestants could understand what he was saying. Lazaro Argos has special powers and impressed la chicas with his bright clothes but is not Elvis. Janelle Arthur is "counnntree", is a drama queen, got laughed at by Burnell, and wears a size 6 cowboy boot. Amber talks to herself, loves taking pictures of herself, has a sister in the Army, and was uncomfortable about Burnell's infatuation. Angie Miller is a champion speed clapper and can stare down anyone. Kree Harrison appeared on Rosie O'Donnell's show when she was a kid, knows "everyone", is a hugger, liked to iron the other contestant's shirts, and was born in the same hospital as Janis Joplin. Candice Glover tried out in Seasons 9 and 11 but not Season 10 as I had thought, had her own room, and a love/hate relationship with both Burnell and Nicki.

Things we learned about American Idol: Idol had a small bus tour and raised the age limit from 27 to 29. A contestant can forget his lyrics and still move on to the next round. The Idol audience was so anxious to boo any criticism that they would even boo ones that are a joke. The Idol reject appeared on The Tonight Show the next night. Idol is much more fun to watch while drinking a full bottle of wine.

Things we learned about life: PLWJ is a lousy nickname. Victoria's Secret makes DDD bras. Amazon has its own clothing line. Mars' red surface is because it's made of iron oxide. There are apparently small towns in the suburbs of Boston. Too many kids today have never heard a Beatles song. Not everyone from New Orleans knows how to pronounce French words. There's a dialect known as Geechee. The mini-series The Bible is based on a book. Togo's mission is to save the world, one sandwich at a time. Fake Vikings think Alec Baldwin can act. JC Penney has learned from their mistakes. VMS has incompetent employees. Levi's business is doing so well they could pay the San Francisco 49ers millions of mullah to slap their name on their new football stadium. Nationwide Insurance tails its customers with helicopters. Erica had a rough day. Hyundai's cars can email you and tell you how they feel. There's yet another movie coming out that includes the White House getting blown up. In the pursuit of fabulous the savvy always win.

Things we learned about other celebrities: Emma Stone has a raspy voice because she screamed for 6 months straight when she was a baby. Jennifer Hudson hates getting up in the morning. Kim Jung Un and Dennis Rodman are friends for life. Charles Barkley has large drawers. Joy Behar has been on The View for 17 years. Shirley Bassey is Welsh. Kate Moss is eating better, or at least eating. Ashley Judd was apparently contemplating running for the U.S. Senate. Smokey Robinson grew up around the corner from Aretha Franklin, was the first to record "I Heard It Through The Grapevine", and doesn't know how many hit songs he's associated with. Rihanna is taking on the world. The Rolling Stones are coming to town. Anthony Hopkins loves the lady birds. Mr. T's work is done. Nate Montana has his father's eyes. Patrick Willis' feelings are hurt. Miles Davis gave Randy advice about singing even though Miles never sang on any of his recordings. Harry Connick Jr. wants to look like Candice if she were a man and wasn't there to blow smoke up the contestant's asses. Don Cheadle likes nature shows with penguins. Carly Rae Jepsen was a finalist on Canadian Idol in 2007.

Things learned by Me, aka The Armchair Idol Judge: The Armchair Idol Judge learned which channel Oprah's network is on, how to use an app that syncs photos between an iPhone and an iPad, how to edit HTML to get the fonts to show correctly, that "boggled" and "croaky" are real words, that there are Beatles songs that I have never heard before, that there was a singer named Emeli Sande, and that Idol has a cute Asian chick backup singer. Though if Cheyennis Doom is still out there….

The grand finale for the season recap will be my fearless predictions for the Top 10 finalists, plus now apparently 3 judges that are leaving. Perhaps 4. Perhaps 5?

Case Summary S12-2013 Part 3: The Second Half Recap – Nigel’s Dream, Fox’s Sacrifice, and the Last Man Standing

The first live Hollywood show began on the same day the new Pope was elected and featured songs performed by former Idol winners. Naturally Nicki was late. Jimmy Iovine had his first starring role of the season, telling Angie that he thought of beauty pageants when she sang, telling Paul not to sing like he was in Les Miz, telling Lazaro that he (Jimmy) gets nervous talking to the contestants, and telling both Amber and Burnell to not sing R&B ballads every week. Naturally none of the contestants took his advice seriously. The heavy pimping of Amber began this week when Nicki declared her just decent performance of Kelly Clarkson’s finale song as the best of the night and Mariah dropped her first #POW on her. Candice established her ground by singing “I, Who Have Nothing” better than Jordin Sparks did, but at the time there were still doubts about her chances of winning. Curtis Finch, Jr. was voted off the next night even though Nicki threatened to leave the show if he did.

Week 2 was Beatles night when Burnell, Amber, and Lazaro all sang songs that they had not heard until 4 days before the show, though Lazaro claimed that he had heard his song only 1 day before as an excuse for why he sang his song worse than Burnell and Amber did theirs. Keith claimed that all the Beatles songs sung that night were his favorites. Janelle sang a Beatles song that I had never heard before. Angie claimed to be from a small town because all the other girls were from small towns, even though her town was a suburb of Boston. Devin’s decent performance of “The Long and Winding Road” was marred by Nicki who used one of the 7 Dirty Words within her critique to make fun of the Fox censor. Paul's performance of "Eleanor Rigby" was a haunting rendition that looked and sounded like something out of Phantom. He got the boot the next night, eliminating the last WG still in the competition. For the only time all season I correctly predicted the Bottom 3 and the one who got eliminated.

The contestants in Week 3 could sing any song by a Detroit artist, but sadly no one sang a Kid Rock, Bob Segar, or Ted Nugent song. Smokey Robinson appeared as the first tor-mentor. The lowlight was when the 3 remaining dudes’ rendition of The Four Tops’ “I Can’t Help Myself” became a train wreck because Lazaro forgot the lyrics. Burnell mispronounced the French words in “My Cherie Amour” even though he was from New Orleans. Kree sang Aretha Franklin’s “Don’t Play That Song”, the only non-Motown solo of the night that earned praises from The Queen of Soul herself. Amber gave her best performance of the season when she sang an obscure Stevie Wonder song in a short dress and inspired Mariah to utter another one of the 7 Dirty Words. Angie and Jimmy debated the merits of My Fair Lady. Janelle performed with a guitar, the only time all season that anybody did that after 5 years of Idol winners who all played guitars. Only Devin Valez sang a Smokey song in front of the tor-mentor and his courage was rewarded by being eliminated the next night.

Week 4 was Rock and Roll Week when the contestants were told that they were not allowed to sing any ballads. Lazaro and Amber managed to find a loophole in the law and got away with singing ballads by selecting “rock” ballads. Candice sang “Satisfaction” with a toe that she broke while trying to play a joke on Lazaro. Kree sang a Janis Joplin song motionless because she had a pinched nerve in her back. Lazaro forget the lyrics again in his duet, this time with Angie, and received a death stare from her in reply. Nicki and Randy borrowed Janelle’s clothes after her performance. Angie’s closing performance of "Give Me to Life" by Evanescence was her best of the season as she finally found a song that she could be as dramatic as she wanted to be. This was despite the fact that the stage fan almost blew her blouse off. Burnell sang the only rock song he knew, Queen’s “Crazy Little Thing Called Love” and got voted off, much to the surprise of Ryan who couldn’t believe that the judges didn’t use their save on him. I guess he didn’t get Nigel’s memo. Also during the results show we learned that only Mariah had Candice in her top 3, which may have been the catalyst for the magic that happened the following week.

In Week 5 Anthony Hopkins was in the house and told Ryan about how he loved the “lady birds.” The contestants were asked to sing two songs for the first time. The first songs were from the Burt Bacharach - Hal David song book. None of the performances were spectacular, giving credence to the speculation that Idol’s ratings were down because the show’s themes were too outdated. Candice and Kree both did fine with their songs. Lazaro, on the other hand, destroyed “Close To You” so much that even Mariah was critical, well sort of. The second songs were those that the contestants wished they had written. Angie sang a Christian rock song behind a piano and got praised. Amber danced through a Beyoncé song and got praised. Kree sang a country song in a short skirt and got praised. Janelle sang her little ol’ heart out on a Garth Brooks song and got praised, but not as much as the other chicks. Lazaro didn’t get criticized, but still finally got himself booted off and in the process fulfilled Nigel’s goal of having a chick winner this season.

Then Candice closed the show and blew them all away with the best performance of the season, transforming The Cure’s “Lovesong” from an alternative rock song into a torch ballad and in the process outsung not just the other contestants but also Adele, whose arrangement Candice used for the performance. Not even the sound gremlin who jumped in at the 1/3 mark could muck it up. The audience screamed from the first note until the closing credits, Keith got on his knees and bowed in respect, Nicki was speechless, Randy declared it the greatest performance in the history of the show, and Mariah sprinkled Candice with glitter. But don’t just take my word for it, see for yourself (after the ad):



Candice followed up “Lovesong” with of all songs Paula Abdul’s “Straight Up”, a song that Janelle picked for her and was released in her birth year of 1989. Drunk Chick herself appeared the next night to praise Candice and sit in her old chair. The show was two days after the Boston bombing so Angie made the “smart choice” (Nicki) to dedicate her performance of The Pretenders’ “Stand by You” (1994) to her “hometown” (Beverly, MA). She later was shown playing hockey with the L.A. Kings’ mascot. Amber sang one of Mariah’s songs that Mariah doesn’t perform in concerts in the USA, though Mariah was still proud to be an American. Candice one-upped Amber in the tribute to divas half of the show by singing the Mariah-Whitney duet and bringing Mariah to tears. Ryan gave Candice a hug for America. Amber sang a Barbra Streisand number and the judges criticized America for not supporting her as much as they and Nigel wanted them to. Janelle took my advice and sang a Dolly Parton song, though “Dumb Blonde” wasn’t quite what I had in mind. The audience felt the same and sent Janelle home.

The first theme the following week was "contestant's choice", which ended up being a bunch of ballads that I had never heard before. The second was the theme chosen by you in the AT&T contest, "One Hit Wonders", which ended up being a bunch of ballads some of which I had heard before. In between were two duets without a theme, likely chosen by Nigel. The judges pimped Amber and put down Candice after both performances even though Candice was better. Jimmy agreed with them on the first performance but disagreed with them on the second because he thought Amber’s choice of one-hit wonder “MacArthur Park” was too corny. Jimmy’s disagreement was so pronounced that he emerged from his holding cell back stage and openly accused the judges of showing favoritism to Amber, exposing the rest of Nigel’s grand plan for this season. Nicki contributed to the downfall of Nigel by telling Kree after her first performance that she was longer going to blow smoke up Kree’s ass like everyone else on the show was. Kree herself was so exhausted that she confused Percy Sledge for Procol Harum before she sang “A Whiter Shade of Pale”. Angie pounded piano keys while singing a Jessie J song and then closed the show by singing a one hit wonder first sung by the nurse on Emergency. Ryan surprised no one except Amber by declaring that no one was going home that week because the judges hadn’t used their save this season.

Harry Connick Jr. returned to Idol to tor-mentor the contestants on a theme that he knew nothing about (songs from 2013) and a theme he knew a lot about (standards). Harry and Angie kept trying to be funny by talking about how funny they thought the other one was. Amber again sang a song that she learned the words to only a few days before, Pink’s “Just Give Me a Reason”, even though it was the current #1 song on the charts at the time. Her second song, “My Funny Valentine”, was one that she did know the words but she didn’t know what the song was about, much to Harry’s annoyance. Harry got annoyed with Randy later when Sole Survivor told Kree that should have sung “Stormy Weather” her way and at the same time to have sung it like Etta James, and not sing it like Lena Horne as Harry told her to. Candice defied Harry’s advice and sang Bruno Mars’ “When I Was Your Man” with the masculine pronouns still included. After Angie performed “Someone to Watch Over Me” Nicki compared her to a Disney Princess and then pulled out a Q-Tip and threatened to clean Mariah’s ears after Mariah made comments similar to Nicki’s and then denied that they were similar. Despite all the pimping Amber’s time on Idol came to an end the following night.

The Top 3 show featured numerous tears, multiple Emeli Sande and Pink songs, and songs chosen by Jimmy, the judges, and by Nigel under the guise of the “Idol production team.” Jimmy chose Elton John’s “Sorry Seems to be The Hardest Word” for Angie so that she would play the piano, but Angie chose not to. Jimmy still thought it was the best of the three in Round 1 anyway. Kree’s performance of the judges’ choice for her, Rascal Flatts’ “Here Comes Goodbye” left everyone in tears since it was preceded with a video showing Kree returning to the now abandoned house where her parents raised her before they both passed away. Candice closed the show with Nigel’s choice of “Somewhere” from West Side Story and in the process made both Kree and Angie sound like amateurs. For the second time this season Randy declared a Candice performance to be one of the best in the history of the show. We finally had our first “shocking” elimination of the season when Angie was eliminated the next night.

Kree won the coin toss but elected to allow Candice to go last at the Nokia Theater finale, a decision that she might one day admit was not the wisest choice. Big Kahuna Simon Fuller chose a Sarah McLaughlin song for Kree and an Adele song for Candice and neither were noteworthy. Randy trashed Simon’s song choices because he had already announced that he was leaving Idol and thus was free to criticize the Big Boss Man. Kree and Candice then both sang their first singles, which were actually decent compared to most of the other lame first singles that previous Idol contestants had to sing. That round was pretty much a draw. Kree gave her best performance of the season with her final song, “Up to the Mountain”, only to be one upped yet again by Candice who sang “I, Who Have Nothing” even better than she did 3 months before. Each time Candice got the closer spot she blew away the competition and this time was no exception, as on the next night Candice got the confetti shower when Ryan declared her the winner of American Idol Season 12.

The Final Score (season recap version):
251+ tickets to Hollywood; 15 sob stories that made it to air; 113.5 ballads, including 2 on no ballads night; 57 short skirts; 82 big notes; 148 YOs from Sole Survivor; 54 standing Os; 54 Nigel Lythgoe mentions; 28 mentions of former Idol judges; 32 mentions of former Idol winners; 35 mentions of former Idol contestants; 5 mentions of judges or hosts on either The Voice or The X-Factor; 86 name drops: 27 from Mr. Kidman, 24 from Sole Survivor, 20 from Jaws, 7 from Trained Seal, 6 from Glitter Girl, and 2 from Andy Cap; 6 Glitter Girl songs (including Mariah’s lip-synched medley at the finale); 6 Mr. Kidman songs, including 2 sung by Keith himself; 0 Jaws songs; 10 K-word mentions; 6 cute Asian chick backup singer sightings once I started paying attention; 4 Broadway show mentions; 1 mention of a baseball Hall of Famer; 1 mention of a race car driver and his now ex-wife; 1 mention of a football player and his now fake girlfriend; 1 Urkel mention; 3 Simon Fuller mentions; 1 Gordon Ramsey mention; 3 visuals of TMZ founder and former attorney Harvey Levin; 1 virtual Elvis sighting; 1 Q-Tip sighting; 1 governor sighting; 1 Fox News anchor sighting; 1 bare midriff sighting; 1 reference to a Dickens novel; 2 cat references by Mr. Kidman; 3 Wikipedia references; 2 current Idol judges who threatened to leave and 1 who actually did; 1 death threat left on the editing room floor; 3 British accents (1 fake, 1 real, and 1 in between); 2 late divas; 1 negative comment from Glitter Girl; 3 bleeps of words uttered by a chick judge; 1 split decision; 2 chicks who claimed God told them how to perform their songs and were both still sent home; 1 name drop of Papa Smurf by a current contestant; 6 small town chicks; 3 singers who sang songs that they had never heard until 4 days before they sang them; 1 contestant who took my advice and then got eliminated the next night; 1 one-handed piano player; 1 Trained Seal groupie; 2 shots of people chasing cowboy hats blown away by the wind; 4 dudes who got the chastising of their lives on the most important moment in their lives; 2 soul legends mentioned in a recap even though it wasn't a soul theme night; 1 therapy session; 2 yellow outfits; 2 mispronounced French words; 2 vests; 3 comments about shoes; 1 award announcement; 1 shout out to an LA radio station; 1 former Idol song; 1 pro hockey player with some Fox eye candy by his side; 2 singers I had to look up on Wikipedia; 1 crawfish boil; 2 foreign phrases; 2 singers caught lip synching; way too many Idol contests, Coca-Cola Treatments, Ford plugs, cat fights, manufactured drama, stupid skits starring Trained Seal, rejects from past seasons (including the eventual winner), rambling critiques by Glitter Girl, and mentions of the Boston bombings and Kree’s deceased parents; just 1 performance with a guitar and 1 kayfabe bubble burst; and 5 goose bumps.

The Sob Stories of the Year:
There were a number of strong contenders for the crown this season, including a woman at the New York auditions who lost 80 pounds, a 14 year old kid in the Oklahoma City auditions with cystic fibrosis, a man at the Charlotte auditions whose wife survived Stage 4 cancer, a woman in Baton Rouge who auditioned 3 days after being in a car accident and was scheduled for surgery right after the auditions, and a sailor at the Long Beach auditions who developed a speech impediment after the Navy doctors damaged his nerves while taking his tonsils out. The finalists included Burnell Taylor, whose family lost their home due to Hurricane Katrina; Charlie Askew, who claimed that his parents thought he was autistic because he was so shy; and Kree Harrison, who was orphaned when she was a teenager.

None of these folks though could top Lazaro Argos and his stuttering that magically disappeared whenever he sang. From the Chicago auditions all the way until he was the last dude eliminated Lazaro rode that sob story to victory after victory, impressing the judges and what was left of the tweener chick audience with his magical powers. For that Lazaro wins the Sob Story of the Year Award in a landslide.

Honorable mention though must go to the guy at the Long Beach auditions who told the judges that he was an Iraq War veteran who suffered a severe concussion from an IED attack, then was told by his doctors that the drugs he needed to take for the concussion would make him sterile, but somehow was still able to produce his daughter. Turned out he made the whole thing up. This may explain why he was never seen again.

Your Three Stars of the Year:
American Idol Season 12 was decided on the night of April 10, when Candice Glover closed the show with “Lovesong” and overnight went from an afterthought to the front runner. Easily it was the best performance of the season. Close seconds were Candice’s performances of “Somewhere” on the semi-final show and “I, Who Have Nothing” both on Top 12 week and again at the finale. It doesn’t seem fair to have Candice take all three podium positions so I’ll also give out stars to Kree for “Up to the Mountain” at the finale, Angie for “Give Me to Life” on Rock and Roll Week and for her original song during Hollywood Week, Amber for her tour-de-force performance of “Lately” on the Detroit show, Curtis for “I Believe I Can Fly” at the second Vegas show, Devin for his two half-Español songs at each Vegas show, and Zoanette for just being Zoanette.

Since we learned so much from Idol this season there will be a separate post just for that, followed by my fearless predictions for the future careers of the Top 10 contestants and 1 (perhaps 2) departing judges. After the break...