That Don't Impress Me Much

It is country with a twist this week, as the contestants will be singing country songs from only one artist, though, as Trained Seal points out, it is from “a very special songbook.” So let’s saddle up and ride and see which artist has been hiding their hidden country all this time.

I have to be careful now since my girlfriend is reading this blog. She called it “snarky” and I took it as a compliment. At least I hope it was…

Trained Seal begins the show by pointing out the pre-Idol lives of the remaining 6 contestants. The only one that I did not know about was that Casey James is a construction contractor. That explains why I hate him so much. Ryan then thanks America for donating $47M during the Idol Gives Back love fest. No mention of the departure of Tim Urban, who is probably back home still smiling.

Tonight’s tormentor is Shania Twain, “the biggest crossover artist ever” according to Trained Seal. Did not Elvis sing country songs? The dissing of the King continues. Crystal continues my royal theme by calling Shania “The Queen of Country.” Shania wants the contestants to live and breathe these songs because she wrote them and lived them herself, though her ex Mutt Lange may beg to differ. Shania is a little concerned about the dudes singing her chick songs and is really concerned that the loser voted off tomorrow night will blame her for it. She worries almost as much as Lee. During her interview segment with Trained Seal Shania seems disappointed that no one chose to sing “Feel like a Woman”, especially one of the dudes.

Lee DeWyze, “You’re Still the One”: Shania fell in love with Lee back at his Chicago audition that she sat in on in place of Drunk Chick. She did not want to get into his pants like she wanted to do with John Lee, but obviously that did not get poor John that far in this competition. Lee starts out low, monotone, and kind of shaky. The chorus is more spirited but a bit on the pitchy side. Shania was concerned that Lee was going to bury himself in his guitar but she need not have bothered because I cannot hear it. It was a decent performance, not one of his best but nothing bad either. Big Sexy utters 2 yos, 4 check it outs, and claims that this is one of his all time favorite songs. Randy has one long list of favorites. I swear he says that at least once a week. He must need 2 or 3 iPods to hold all of his all time favorite songs. He did agree with me that Lee was a little pitchy. Chicken Little E strains to be punny since Shania's last name sounds like “train,” then tells Lee that he was good and looks cute. Horny Chick thought his voice was so relevant (to what? Beats me) but that she did not think Lee related to the fact that he was singing a love song. To her. Captain Jack thought it was the perfect song choice though he (Lee) was a little hesitant at first. Simon then makes the mistake of pointing out the funny faces Lee makes when he sings, a mistake since Horny Chick jumped all over him trying to claim that Lee was only smiling. Kara takes up so much time with her smile claims that Captain Jack just gives up and hands the spotlight back to Trained Seal.

Instead of pimping the iTunes Trained Seal plugs the summer tour tickets that will go on sale May 14. Better go get in line now.

Michael Lynche, “It Only Hurts When I’m Breathing”: It is love at first sight between Big Mike and the tormentor. I guess Shania forgot that Mike’s wife would be sitting 10 feet away from her in the audience. She advises Mike not to take his silky voice for granted. The big guy starts the song on the stairs and struggles a bit to find the melody, but that does not deter Shania from leading the tweeners in the arm waiving. As usual Mike has a good soulful voice though I had a hard time connecting emotionally to this break up song. Maybe it is because I’m a dude. Shania is in the house and she is in tears. Big Sexy utters 3 yos and claims that Michael is “in the zone of who you are.” Chicken Little E name drops Luther Vandross and felt Michael got into the song. Horny Chick sucks up to the tormentor by talking about how connected Shania seems to be when she sings her songs and then claims that Michael has the same kind of magic. Captain Jack apparently is the last person in America to not make the connection between Michael and Luther but agrees with the analogy. Simon then confuses all of America by describing Michael’s performance as “wet,” which he first explains as “the opposite of dry,” and then as “a little bit girly.” He earns a chorus of girly boos with that last comment. Trained Seal tries to explain the wet comment by noting that Captain Jack usually wakes up in London where it is usually wet.

Casey James, “Don’t!”: Trained Seal warns us in advance that Casey was going to tap “into his inner country cougar.” Perhaps Trained Seal is jealous that Casey prefers Horny Chick to him. During his Coca-Cola treatment Casey admits that Simon and Kara were correct to criticize him for not doing anything new last week. Last week, how about the last 4 months? And again Big Sexy is ignored as he was the one who actually pointed out last week that Casey sings the same way every week. Shania actually claims that Casey is missing some inner confidence. Go figure. Casey is positioned in front of the main audience with a gauntlet of adoring tweeners ordered to stand there and look admiringly without moving their arms. Casey still sticks to the same 3 chords but shows a little more emotion than usual. I can actually kind of imagine hearing this on the radio. He seems to do better with ballads than with the allegedly blues songs that Casey likes to sing. Big Sexy utters 1 yo and thinks this is best performance of the season. Chicken Little E also thinks it was Casey’s best performance of the season and name drops Bob Segar. Horny Chick claims that true artists do not hide their vulnerability and Casey was a true artist tonight. Captain Jack claims that Casey learned from his wake-up call from last week and that he finally sounded sincere. Dude ain't fooling me though, he is still a poser. Simon then encourages Casey to give Shania a big kiss on the lips for her good advice. Casey eagerly runs down for his prize but only gets a hug from the tormentor.

Crystal Bowersox,”No One Needs to Know”: Crystal is still a bit star struck with Shania even though this is the second time the two have met. As she points out to Trained Seal in her Coca-Cola treatment Shania was at Crystal’s audition in Chicago and signed her now famous guitar. Crystal also points out how Shania is always glowing. Must be that scientifically proven perfect face of hers. Since Crystal will be dedicating her song to her boyfriend Shania encourages Crystal to smile more when she sings. Crystal sings the song with a pure country arrangement, the only artist to do so on ostensibly Country Week. As usual Crystal is in fine voice but she stumbled a bit with the rhythm at the bridge. OK but not her best. Big Sexy utters 2 yos, name drops Nickel Creek (not Nickelback mind you), and was happy that she sang a country song even though it was not his favorite. Chicken Little E compares this performance to the least favorite color of the rainbow. Much like her predecessor Ellen cannot bring herself to say anything negative. Horny Chick agrees with the “guys” but claims that Crystal cannot help but be good because of how honest she is. Leave it to Captain Jack of course to bring on the pain and the boos from the audience. He thought Crystal’s performance was limp and had no conviction and strains to compare it to a lousy coffee house performance that no one wants to hear. Crystal tries to justify her performance by claiming twice that “bigger is not always better.” So much for that Viagra endorsement deal. Simon then goes after the tormentor by telling Shania that it was a forgettable song. Trained Seal slips back into lunatic mode by first advising Simon to not leave at the same time as Shania and then pressures Crystal’s dorky boyfriend to propose to her.

Aaron Kelly, “You’ve Got a Way”: It looks like Aaron is flipping us the double bird as we go to break. I rewound the DVR twice just to be sure. Shania thinks Aaron is preoccupied with hitting the notes. Kind of like a kid rehearing for his high school musical. It is another sappy ballad from this kid, technically good but lacking in emotion no matter how hard he tries. He seems a little angry actually. Big Sexy utters 1 yo and declares that Aaron is this year’s country artist even though it was not a country arrangement. Indeed I do not recall Aaron singing any country songs this year, just sappy ballads and “Blue Suede Shoes”, which I guess is sort of country. Chicken Little E still cannot get over the idea that Aaron is only 16, oops, make that 17 years old. She also thinks Aaron has lots of emotion and depth. Horny Chick agrees with Ellen and then forces Aaron to point out that he changed the lyric that referred to making love, which was (and a quote) “very smart because it’s not something… you know…” Nervous laughter from the audience and snide comments from the dude judges follow. Aaron then justifies the lyric change by claiming that he sang the song for his mom, eliciting ahhs from Horny Chick and the audience. Captain Jack felt that Aaron was sincere and believable for a change and was a different artist from the one that was in danger of elimination the last 2 weeks.

Siobhan Magnus, “Any Man of Mine”: After taking on Mariah and Whitney last week Siobhan attempts to use the closer spot tonight to tackle the only song that I recognize. Shania tells Siobhan that this song is all about attitude and that she has to play a character to make it work. That shouldn't be too hard for Siobhan. She starts out singing well but then when she strolls into the tweeners Siobhan loses the initial key and slips into something else. Not her clothes though, which are only slightly quirky this week. Siobhan sounds distracted as she tries to bond with the chicks, but then regains her groove when she returns to the stage. Another thing that returns is Siobhan’s big scream at the end, which is the best one she has belted out this season. Big Sexy utters 2 yos and declares his love for Siobhan’s country punk look and sound. Chicken Little E strains to close the show with another pun about trains. Horny Chick is happy that the screaming Siobhan has returned in place of the singing Siobhan of the last few weeks. Captain Jack liked the song choice and compared the screaming to someone giving birth. Trained Seal wonders how Simon would know anything about that.

Glee starts now.

The Final Score: 11 shots at Big Sexy Randy; 10 shots at Captain Jack Simon; 10 shots at Horny Chick Kara; 10 shots at Trained Seal Ryan; 8 shots at Chicken Little E Ellen; 0 shots at Ricky Minor and the band, 6 shots at the audience, and 13 shots at Shania Twain the tormentor. There was 1 reference to a former Idol contestant, 7 references to other non-Idol performers, and 2 references to Drunk Chick Paula. 2 Coca-Cola treatments, 0 iTunes plugs (must be saving them for tomorrow), 3 name drops, 0 K-word utterances or kayfabe violations, 11 yo’s from Big Sexy, 3 returns, 2 strained puns about trains, 2 birds, 1 strained analogy, 1 country arrangement on Country Night, 1 reference to a male enhancement drug, 1 song dedicated to mum, and no goose bumps.

Your 3 Stars of the Night: Everyone was pretty much on the same page tonight so it is hard for me to discern who deserves a star. I have to give Casey one star because he realized he needed to at least stop acting like a poser if he wants to stay on the show. Michael connected with Big Sexy and the chicks so he gets star #2. I’ll give Siobhan star #3 for bringing back the big scream and keeping it in tune.

Idol Gives Back: Many years ago I had one great craps run at a Tahoe casino, where I rolled for over 90 minutes before crapping out. The whole table was alive with excitement and glee. I will never forget that night because I have never been that lucky like that, either before or since. I would guess Tim Urban feels the same way right now. That was one hell of a lucky roll he was on. Is it any wonder that he smiled all the time? While it was something of a surprise to see Tim leave I was not surprised to see both Aaron and Casey join him in the relegation zone, and not a moment too soon.

The Fearless Prediction: Ellen was correct for once, this will be another challenge since the two worst performances were from the two front runners, Crystal and Lee. Pretty much anybody can be in the bottom 3 at this point. Since it is late I’ll take a wild crap shoot and guess that Michael and Casey will be in the bottom 3 and that Aaron will be sent home. Just a hunch, nothing more.

Idol Brings Back the Inspiration

Let us start by jumping into Captain Jack’s time machine and travel back 3 years time to the first Idol Gives Back week in Season 6. The theme then, as it is tonight, was songs of inspiration. Things looked promising with Bono as the tormentor and Sanjaya Malakar kicked off the show the week before, and for the most part the contestants did not disappoint. Phil Stacey, who embraced his country side the week before, took it to the next level with Garth Brooks “The Change”. Melinda Doolittle out sang Faith Hill on her own song. The grand finale was eventual Season 6 winner Jordin Sparks’ version of “You’ll Never Walk Alone” that was so good it left the audience in tears. Big Sexy declared it the best performance in the history of the show and I actually agreed with him. The producers were so inspired that they decided that no one was going home that week, though Trained Seal almost gave Jordin a heart attack by waiting until the very end of the show to tell her that she was safe along with everyone else.

Now let us flash forward one year later to Season 7, also known as David Cook and the Plants. The group of professionals that the producers planted into the Top 12 could not find it within themselves to even fake some sincerity. Big Sexy and Michael Johns got into an argument about whether or not Aerosmith’s “Dream On” was inspirational. Syesha Mercado sang the same “inspirational” song, Fantasia’s “I Believe”, which LaKesha Jones sang the year before and got blasted by Big Sexy for that too. Carly Smithson sang an angry version of Queen’s “The Show Must Go On” and got called out by Captain Jack for being too angry on Inspiration Night. Not even Season 7 winner David Cook was all that inspirational even though he wrote “give back” on his fingers. The producers were so uninspired that they surprised Michael Johns by telling him that a contestant was getting eliminated that week and that contestant was him. It may also be why the producers chose not to have an Idol Gives Back night last season.

So now that the producers decided to give inspirational songs one more try will it be more like the inspirational Season 6 or the uninspirational Season 7? The world awaits this life changing answer…

Trained Seal begins the show with his usual dramatic flair by talking about changing and saving lives. The announcer has been retired for the season so Ryan is left to introduce the judges, though thankfully we are spared the forced, awards show-like banter. Trained Seal reminds us that there are still tickets available for tomorrow’s Idol Gives Back spectacular in Pasadena, so hurry now!

Tonight’s tormentor is Alicia Keys, who Trained Seal claims has “changed the dynamic of R&B forever” with her powerful and uplifting songs. Alicia talks about how she wants to inspire the contestants to bring out their emotion. This is pretty much all she says to each performer tonight rather than give any actual singing advice. Come to think of it, none of the tormentors this season have been providing much technical advice. This is what happens when the producers select tormentors that are “hot”, “current”, and young enough to be Horny Chick’s kids as opposed to singers who actually know how to sing.

Casey James, “Don’t Stop” by Fleetwood Mac: Casey chose this song because it is “me being in the song, me being present.” Me, me, me, me, me, that is all it’s about with this poser. Once again Casey sticks to the same three chords and the same standing in place that he has done with every song except perhaps “Jealous Guy.” The only difference is that this time there were 2 self-indulgent guitar solos instead of just one. Again, it was OK but boring and uninspirational. Big Sexy utters 2 yos and points out that Casey keeps doing the same thing every week and he is getting bored with it too. Chicken Little E feels compelled to be tougher on the contestants and tells Casey that he was good but not great. That’s telling him Ellen. Horny Chick is getting frustrated with Casey doing the same thing every week and accuses Casey of playing “jam band.” It sounds like Horny Chick now believes that Casey is gay. Not that there is anything wrong with that, unless you are a sexually frustrated cougar. Captain Jack gets booed for accusing Casey of making a lazy song choice and showing 0 emotion and 0 originality. Trained Seal wants to know if Casey was surprised to hear the criticism and of course the poser claims that he was not. I am surprised that it took the judges this long to recognize that Casey is a dull, boring poser.

Lee DeWyze, “The Boxer” by Simon and Garfunkel: Trained Seal promotes Coca-Cola’s ties to Idol Gives Back before asking Lee about losing his new BFF Andrew Garcia last week. Lee seems more bothered by the delay to the start of his intro video than he was about losing his roommate. Lee starts the song a little pitchy and fast but then settles in when the audience starts waiving their hands. He has clearly been working on his stage presence since he is looking more at the audience that he is at the mic. It is a bluesy little ballad that was very good once the pitch kicked in. I think we have found ourselves a dark horse. Big Sexy declares 2 yos and channels Drunk Chick when he predicts that Lee will have a great career. I had to work one Paula reference in now that Andrew is gone. Chicken Little E shows some tough love by declaring it to be beautiful. Horny Chick thinks this performance was better than the life changing performance Lee had a few weeks ago. Captain Jack also has a Drunk Chick moment by declaring it the best of the night so far, and then quickly realizes that there have only been 2 performances so far. He also thought Lee was brilliant, current, and emotional.

Captain Sully is in the house. Let’s hope he can inspire something besides Trained Seal’s iTunes plug.

Tim Urban, “Better Days” by The Goo Goo Dolls: Alisha “likes it in him,” the song I guess. Tim starts in a pitchy low register, and then switches to a pitchy middle register. There are some decent moments but his pitch is all over the place, so much so that it took me a couple of minutes to realize that I have heard this song before, but then that has never stopped Tim’s screeching fans from power texting their votes for him. Big Sexy utters only 1 yo and gets booed for calling it “OK karaoke.” Chicken Little E strains to make a joke comparing Tim to the “soup of the day” and then gets tough when she tells Tim that she did not like today’s soup. Horny Chick raves about the “new Tim” but then says that tonight’s performance was not his best. Captain Jack thinks that Tim has improved but took a step too far this week, changing tactics yet again to try and get Tim voted off the show. Trained Seal compares Tim to gazpacho soup because Tim is cool. Not to be outdone by the host two tweeners in the peanut gallery declare that “Tim, you rock!”

Aaron Kelly, “I Believe I Can Fly” by R. Kelly (from that Michael Jordan, Bugs Bunny basketball movie): Aaron claims he has been singing this song since his preschool graduation a few years ago. Alicia thinks we will know if Aaron did well if he is crying at the end of the song. We find out later that she may have mistaken Aaron for another contestant. Aaron is back to the sappy ballads that have gotten him this far along with his boyish looks and lack of a girlfriend. He is clearly trying very hard but his little voice falls flat when he gets to the big chorus. I give him an A for effort but only a C for performance because he is not crying. Big Sexy utters 1 yo and thinks Aaron has a huge voice for a giant song. Chicken Little E strains to make a joke about thinking she can fly in the 70’s, implying some illegal drug activity to make her appear tougher. Horny Chick thought Aaron took off and flew. Captain Jack claims he would have turned the radio off if this song came on it, a reference the MP3ers in the audience likely did not understand. Even still, he thought it was “quite good” and admired Aaron’s guts for taking on such a big song, a reference I do not understand.

Siobhan Magnus, “When You Believe” by Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston (from some movie that I have not seen): Siobhan’s creativity in wardrobe continues as she comes up with some feathery butterfly thing that could poke someone’s eye out. Again we get the emotionally restrained Siobhan and not the screamer that the judges love. It was a valiant effort of a song that Siobhan really had no business singing. Big Sexy uttered only 1 yo and gets booed for saying it was just OK, which means he would have thought that it was really good had it not been a Mariah/Whitney song. Chicken Little E disagrees with Randy but does not say why. Horny Chick of course thought it was technically good but is still confused about who Siobhan is, the technically good singer that she hates or the wild screamer that she loves. Captain Jack thought it was odd and old fashioned and was distracted by the butterflies, maybe because he thought they were leaves. Siobhan again fires back, telling the judges that she was not scared by who recorded the song and that the judges are idiots for trying to compare her to Mariah or Whitney. I have to say that Siobhan has thus far this season provided the best responses to the judge’s comments than any contestant in recent memory.

Michael Lynche, “Hero” by Nickelback (from one of the Spiderman movies): Trained Seal forces Michael to reveal his 200 song playbook that Michael chooses his songs from. In his video Michael talks about being outside of his comfort zone and I recall the last time he did that he needed Captain Jack to save him from elimination. He starts singing in tune but his guitar is noticeably out of tune until the string section overpowers it. Soon the song begins to overpower Big Mike and his semi-big voice, though his big note at the end was bigger than Siobhan’s. Big Sexy utters 4 yos dawg, and then talks about how Mike worked it out despite being worried about Mike’s song choice because band songs are more about music than vocals. You know what he’s sayin’? If you do please let me know. Horny Chick tells Michael that he did not have the voice for this song, and then earns a shot from me for apologizing when the audience boos her. Captain Jack felt that the performance was artificial because it was about Spiderman, a charge Big Mike denies rather than take like a man. Trained Seal then recommends that Mike and Simon have some one-on-one time to talk about their mutual love of the masked web slinger.

Crystal Bowersox, “People Get Ready” by The Impressions: I immediately admire the song choice not only because it is not from a movie but also because you cannot go wrong with The Impressions, even if you are a subway singer. Not only does Crystal start without her signature guitar, she starts out with no musical accompaniment at all and hits it out of the park on the first pitch. Best of the night so far and she has just started. The quality stays there when Ricky and the band finally join in, and by the end everyone, including Crystal and me, have goosebumps and are in tears. It’s Jordin and “You’ll Never Walk Alone” revisited. Big Sexy utters 4 yos and gives Crystal a standing ovation, though he stops short of calling it the greatest performance in the history of the show. Chicken Little E admires Crystal’s looks and personal mic stand but says nothing about the vocals. Horny Chick thinks Crystal schooled the other contestants and thanks Crystal for listening to her by putting the guitar down. Captain Jack was finally inspired and thought she sang it “fantastically.” Trained Seal wants to know why Crystal was crying at the end of the song, and it was because Crystal’s dad was in the audience for the first time. The producers break kayfabe by showing Crystal’s rehearsal performance during the replays, when she was not crying at the end, instead of the crying end that all of America had just seen.

And now, Glee’s tribute to Madonna. Parental discretion is advised.

The Final Score: 9 shots at Big Sexy Randy; 9 shots at Captain Jack Simon; 9 shots at Horny Chick Kara; 7 shots at Trained Seal Ryan; 7 shots at Chicken Little E Ellen; 2 shots at Ricky Minor and the band, 8 shots at the audience, and 6 shots at Alicia Keys the tormentor (to be honest, she deserved a lot more but I got so bored hearing her say the same things over and over that I stopped keeping notes). There were 13 references to former Idol contestants, 10 references to other non-Idol performers, and 2 references to Drunk Chick Paula. 2 Coca-Cola treatments, 1 iTunes plug with an Idol Gives Back twist, 0 name drops, 1 K-word utterances, 1 kayfabe violation, 15 yo’s from Big Sexy, 7 performances with the string section, 1 dark horse discovery, Sharks 2, Avalanche 1, 3 songs from movies, 2 strained jokes from Chicken Little E, 2 comic hero references, and 2 goosebumps this week, one for the Sharks and one for Crystal.

Your 3 Stars of the Night: Crystal showed tonight why she is the class of the field, that is until the tweener chicks get bored with her. Lee is now officially the dark horse in the field and has the tweener chicks on his side. The rest were all just about the same, so I’ll give half a star to Aaron for trying really hard to be emotional and Siobhan half a star for giving the judges the business without sounding like she was whining.

Idol Gives Back: I was 2 for 2 with my prediction of the elimination of Andrew and Katie. So now we are down to Crystal, Siobhan, and all but one of the guys, as I had more or less predicted a few weeks ago. So much for Big Sexy’s claim of this being a chick’s year, though there is still a chance that Crystal may end up outlasting the guys if she keeps up her pace.

The Fearless Prediction: I am getting tired of predicting Tim’s departure every time there is not an obvious loser, as is the case this week, so I’ll take a chance and not predict it this time. I can easily see him in the bottom 3 though. Michael’s post-save grace period should be close to ending so I foresee him in the relegation zone also. However, I think this week I feel inspired to predict that Casey will be the lowest vote getter this week now that everyone else is starting to see my point about how his is a boring poser. There were also fewer screeches for him compared to the other dudes. Now the real question is whether or not the producers will be inspired to send him home or instead try to give Crystal and Lee heart attacks by making them think they will be sent home before declaring everyone safe for another week.

A Mess of Blues

Like many of the contestants this season, both real and alleged, I am suffering from a nasty virus. However, since I do not have Trained Seal here to make excuses for me I feel that I must press on and get this recap out despite the feeling that I would be much better off going to bed early. At least the show ended 32 minutes early; it gives me at least the chance of getting to bed before Craig Ferguson comes on.

Trained Seal begins the show from “Idol Headquarters” with his usual dramatic flair, talking about how this week is the “big payback” after Big Mike was saved by Captain Jack last week. After the usual drama that is the opening title sequence, Trained Seal greets the tweener screechers with high fives and wassups. Even Ryan knows who the key demographic is for this show.

To save time for Glee the producers tell Trained Seal to skip the pleasantries with the judges and jumps right to the video on “one of music’s biggest icons,” Elvis Presley. Note my emphasis on “one,” especially after Trained Seal called the Rolling Stones “iconic,” heralded Usher as an “ultimate” R&B artist, and talked about how Miley Cyrus “conquered all corners of the entertainment world.” To further add insult to the King of Rock and Roll the producers have chosen Adam Lambert to be this week’s tormentor. Mind you there were no tormentors worthy enough to tutor the contestants on Rolling Stones and Beatles songs but somehow a guy with one year of professional experience and zero number one songs or albums is worthy enough to give advice on how to sing Elvis songs.

Yes, I am a bit sensitive, but somebody needs to stand up for the King, especially when the producers are using him to jump not just the shark but the entire tank.

Broadway Boy agreed to be a tormentor in honor of the King and somehow I strangely believe him. Adam is the first former contestant to reappear as a tormentor, and somewhere Taylor Hicks is asking “why him and not me?” It would not surprise me to learn that the producers had asked Chris Daughtry, Kelly Clarkson, and Carrie Underwood to be tormentors and got blown off, so they had to settle on Broadway Boy. I wonder why they did not ask Kris Allen, who actually beat Lambert last season. I give Adam credit for honesty when he tells us that he thinks this year’s contestants are boring and need some spicing up. After the video Trained Seal expresses his admiration for Broadway Boy’s talented tongue and the audience laughs at the ambiguously gay reference.

Crystal Bowersox, “Saved”: Crystal starts the night by talking about how she likes how Elvis combined gospel and the blues and expresses her hopes that she can do the same. Adam encourages Crystal to go with the electric guitar instead of the autographed acoustic one and to toss her dreads around more. She starts with an unusually off key big note but then settles into a nice groove. Crystal is shouting more than singing, again differing from her usual style. It was OK but not great. Big Sexy utters 3 yos; name drops Bonnie Raitt, and repeats himself by saying how great she is without saying why. Chicken Little E once again cannot offer any constructive comments so instead she goes for the cheap laugh and asks the audience if anyone in it is having a birthday. Horny Chick liked that Crystal sang a song with “controversial lyrics” and also admired how Crystal created drama with her rhythm change. She must have mistaken Crystal with one of the other contestants who always create drama and tension when they attempt to change up a song. Captain Jack admired Crystal for choosing a song that suited her voice and talked about how he could relate to the lyric about lyin’ and cheatin’. He must have mistaken this song with “You’re So Vain.” Simon also warns us that the rest of the contestants will likely sing karaoke versions of their songs while Crystal somehow managed to avoid doing this.

Andrew Garcia, “Hound Dog”: Andrew poked his nose when Trained Seal first introduced him, not a good omen. In his Coca-Cola treatment Trained Seal pressures Andrew to talk about the pressure he felt last week when he was in the bottom 2 and had to watch Michael sing for his life. Andrew’s response was bland and not worth repeating. Something about also being a father and some other stuff. Broadway Boy thought Andrew’s first performance was boring and encouraged him to change things up big time. Sadly Andrew took Adam’s advice and changed the song into the B-side of “Bossa Nova Baby.” He also seems to singing to the mic, which he carries with him, stand and all, around the stage and into the audience. Andrew sang mostly in tune but the vocal was flat, and the arrangement was really weird. Big Sexy utters 6 yos (most of the night), 2 check it outs, 1 K-word, and 1 angry “not good.” Chicken Little E liked the arrangement but wanted to see more swagger. Horny Chick did not feel enough from Andrew and thought he was using the mic as a crutch. Insert the sexual innuendo of your choice here. Captain Jack thought it was lazy, pulled out the throw-away song from a musical analogy again, and gets booed for saying that Andrew had sucked all of the coolness out of the song. Andrew responds by thanking the booers for backing him up. Trained Seal asks Ellen why her opinion is so different from Simon. Meanwhile Big Sexy is sitting there realizing he is still the forgotten man on this show. Don’t worry Randy; next season this show will be all yours, though it will be much like a hand-me-down from your older brother.

Tim Urban, “Can’t Help Falling in Love”: The legend continues for another week. Broadway Boy thought Tim’s voice and smile were “pretty” and surprisingly Tim does not seem worried about this. Adam tries to convince Tim to sing the last lyric in falsetto, part of me hopes he does not do that and another part hopes that he does. Trained Seal talks to his mom and introduces “turban” from the audience. Tim starts out without the band and his rhythm is all over the place. Too fast one lyric, too slow the next. The chorus is more in rhythm but pitchy. None of this seems to bother the waiving arms in the peanut gallery or Trained Seal, who is seen dancing with Season 8 contestant Michael Sarver during the song. Michael must have been laughed off the oil rig if he is hanging out with Broadway Boy now. Thankfully, or unfortunately, Tim did not sing the last lyric in falsetto. I liked the arrangement but was not impressed by the vocal. No surprise there. Big Sexy utters 2 yos, 2 Tim’s, and claims that he surprisingly likes it. Chicken Little E implies that she needed 4 tequila shots to like the performance but then says that it was beautiful, and somewhere Drunk Chick Paula is claiming she understands what Ellen is saying. Kara claims this was Tim’s best performance ever. Captain Jack says that Tim has gone from zero to hero in 2 weeks, and then gets cut off by the producers from saying any more positive things about Tim when they play the bumper music over his comments.

Lee DeWyze, “A Little Less Conversation”: Broadway Boy thinks Lee is a good singer but that there is nothing going on with his face. Maybe it is because the microphone glued to Lee’s face does not allow for any other movements. The best that Adam could offer is for Lee to smile more. Lee starts out with the acoustic guitar accompanied by overhand hand claps from the peanut gallery. It turns into an Phil Collins produced, Eric Clapton-like arrangement when the band kicks in. Ricky Minor gets to work in a solo. The arrangement is kind of flat but Lee’s vocal is very good. Lee is beginning to remind me of Elliott Yamin, who also started slowly but got better as he gained confidence and earned a third place finish in Season 5, knocking off Chris Daughtry in the process. Big Sexy utters 5 yos and thinks Lee is in the zone. Horny Chick thought Lee “went for it” vocally but wanted to see more playfulness. Captain Jack questions Kara on the playfulness comment, asking her if she expects him to skip around the stage or something. Horny Chick rambles on trying to justify her comment, and instead justifies my doubts about her songwriting expertise. Captain Jack lets her ramble on, and then dismisses all of it and just tells Lee that he nailed the vocal. Lee reveals to Trained Seal that Broadway Boy’s advice about smiling more actually inspired his performance. Wow, a tormentor’s advice that looked meaningless was actually helpful.

Aaron Kelly, “Blue Suede Shoes”: Aaron promised last week that he would not sing a slow ballad, and unlike that poser Casey James Aaron was true to his word, though even he was not sure about the song choice. Broadway Boy tells Aaron to growl more and to “grab” the song. I’m surprised that Aaron stood there rather than run and hide when he heard that. Aaron is trying his best to sing like Elvis in the low register but there is not a whole lot of depth there. He found some depth when he broke down the second half of the song, but still it had a lot of high school musical feel to it. At least it was not another sleepy ballad. Big Sexy utters 2 yos and learns from Aaron that the reason Aaron was uncomfortable with the song choice was because of the lyric about drinking liquor from the old fruit jar. Randy has a hard time believing that excuse but does not have the courage to challenge the teenager on his reasoning. Chicken Little E does show some guts though by asking Aaron if he had chose the song or if David Archuleta’s dad chose it for him. OK, just the first part, Ellen did not have the courage to make a joke about the stage dad. Horny Chick liked that Aaron ventured out of his comfort zone and that the lack of courage worked for him. Captain Jack, never lacking in courage, utters the K-word and shares my thought that it seemed like a put-on high school concert. Some tweener chick in the audience has the courage to scream “no way” at Simon at the end of his comments. Aaron is coughing and wheezing as Trained Seal reads the phone number but has the courage to not use it as an excuse.

Siobhan Magnus, “Suspicious Minds”: Siobhan and Broadway Boy compared their over-moussed hair dos before the break. Trained Seal asks Siobhan during her Coca-Cola treatment about the report on Elvis that Siobhan wrote in sixth grade, and then tries to get her to confess that her parents wrote the report for her. Siobhan is proud to tell Broadway Boy about how proud she is to be compared to him, presumably before Adam told Siobhan that her first rehearsal was sleepy and boring. He wants to see more rhythm and “oomph.” Siobhan starts the song at a faster pace than the original but the vocal is still sleepy. She then breaks down the song to a slower pace and interjects the screaming that the judges want to hear, though again she avoids the big note and saves the maintenance guys from another week of cleaning up the glass. It was a good vocal but only an OK arrangement. Big Sexy utters only 1 yo; name drops The Supremes, and thinks the song came alive when she started screaming. Chicken Little E liked the screaming more than the singing and acknowledged that the judges have been giving her mixed messages about whether or not she should tone down or pick up the screaming. Horny Chick is still confused about Siobhan’s two voices, the singing one and the “crazy screaming thing,” and expresses her preference for the screaming one. Captain Jack claims that Siobhan sounded like she was put into a time machine and came back 20 years later, and 2 hours after hearing this I still do not understand what he was trying to say with this strained analogy. The audience seems confused too because no one booed. Simon then rips into Siobhan for being terrible, erratic, screechy, and lost. Trained Seal challenges Simon to tell Siobhan what she should do next week, and he responds by saying she should choose a song that suits her “in the real world.” Ryan nods his head as if he understood that comment. At least it sounded sincere. This puts Siobhan over the edge, as she explains to Trained Seal that she cannot pinpoint or label what kind of artist she wants to be and does not welcome the judges’ attempts to put her in a nice, tidy box like they do with everyone else.

Next week is Idol Gives Back Week, sponsored by ExxonMobil. Trained Seal teases us by first saying that his old sidekick Brian Dunkelman will be hosting the pseudo-entertainment portion of the show, then after only getting one or two laughs from the one or two people who actually know who Brian Dunkelman is Ryan confesses that Queen Latifah will be co-hosting instead.

Michael Lynche, “In the Ghetto”: Michael chose this song at Siobhan’s suggestion, and after the reaction she got from singing “Suspicious Minds” Siobhan may be regretting giving that song to Big Mike. Broadway Boy wants Michael to ignore Captain Jack’s advice and be more dramatic, which Michael expresses doubts about since doing so last week left him singing for his life. Michael sings the whole song sitting on the stage with only minimal accompaniment from Ricky and the band. After last week’s experiment Michael has embraced his R&B-ness and does the song as a soft R&B ballad. Outside of being a bit rushed it is the best vocal of the night so far. The arrangement was beautiful like Tim Urban’s but sung 10 times better. Big Sexy utters 4 yos, 3 check it outs, and thinks the vocals were hot but a little sleepy. But that is OK because this is a singing competition. The producers rush the chicks through their positive comments but give time to Captain Jack to say that this performance was “million billion times better than last week.”

Katie Stevens, “Baby, What You Want Me To Do”: Katie chose this song because the title reflects how she feels about the judges. Seriously, this is what it has come to for her. Broadway Boy wants Katie to express her anger in her singing and to sell her anger more. Katie is back trying to look younger with the mini-skirt and black leggings outfit and avoidance of the low register song openings. She expresses her anger much like Whitney Houston does, with lots of head shifts and little expression in her voice. She tries to bond with the brass section but it still is not quite selling me, though it was a decent vocal. Big Sexy utters 1 yo and was entertained by Katie’s sassiness. Chicken Little E thought it was a horny song, but when the audience laughs at her instead of with her she explains that it was horny because there were a “lot of horns in it.” Horny Chick fakes sincerity by saying “you showed us judges.” Yeah, like that is going to stop Horny Chick from making conflicting comments about what box Katie should be stuffing herself in. Captain Jack gets booed for saying that the song was loud, annoying, and not his thing, which Horny Chick thought was an expression of confidence. Katie asks the obvious question but gets no answer.

Casey James, “Lowdy Miss Clawdy”: Casey again chooses a song that no one knows to avoid being exposed as a poser. He claims that he chose the song because it is “old school Elvis” but I am not buying it. Adam actually gives Casey some advice on his singing, the only contestant tonight to get any from Broadway Boy, but it does not sound like “very sexy Casey James” (per Trained Seal) took that advice to heart because the vocal is very flat throughout. It was in tune and on pitch but only at the end does Casey actually express some emotion. The arrangement was very new country, Garth Brooks like and not the bluesy number Casey promised it would be. He must have hid the blues in that box of his that he has still not told us about. Bug Sexy utters 2 yos and thought it was a solid “soulful bluesy thing,” though he mutters under his breath that it was nothing different. Chicken Little E thought it was not exciting but that he looked good singing within the sea of tweener girls in the audience. Horny Chick thought the performance feel short and that there is “so much more” in Casey, then searched for that extra prescription for Viagra. Captain Jack thought the vocal was good but that it was forgettable and a waste of the opportunity that comes with being in the closer spot. Casey did not look happy that the judges were critiquing his awesome performance.

Trained Seal is told by the producers to stall for time since they actually finished early for once, so Ryan exaggerates about how there will be no more saves or second chances after Michael was saved last week, and then plugs Glee again to close out the show.

Glee out!

The Final Score: 19 shots at Trained Seal Ryan; 13 shots at Big Sexy Randy; 13 shots at Captain Jack Simon; 11 shots at Horny Chick Kara; 6 shots at Chicken Little E Ellen; 4 shots at Ricky Minor and the band, 8 shots at the audience, and 12 shots at Broadway Boy Adam Lambert the tormentor. There were 10 references to former Idol contestants (not counting Lambert) including 2 references to Chris Daughtry, 12 references to other non-Idol performers, 1 reference to Drunk Chick Paula, and 1 reference to a former Idol host. 2 Coca-Cola treatments, 1 iTunes plug (Steve Jobs must have called), 2 name drops, 2 K-word utterances, 25 yo’s from Big Sexy, 3 song breakdowns, 2 over-moussed hair-dos, 1 ambiguously gay reference to talented tongue work, 1 AT&T shout-out from Trained Seal, and no goosebumps this week, maybe because no one tried "Viva Las Vegas" even though the sessions with Broadway Boy were in Vegas. At least no one tried to sing "Trouble" again.

Your 3 Stars of the Night: Michael was clearly scared by having to be saved by Captain Jack last week and went back to the R&B ballads that he does so well. Crystal was her usual solid self, though someone pointed out last week that she is in danger of falling into the trap Melinda Doolittle feel into where the tweener voters got bored by her consistency and voted instead for Blake Lewis because he was cute. Lee DeWyze is starting to emerge as a dark horse who could steal this thing if he keeps this up.

Idol Gives Back: Last week’s bottom 3 was a surprise to me except for Andrew. While Aaron was not very good I figured his appeal to the tweener chicks would keep him out of the relegation zone for longer than this. I was very amused by how the judges’ save came about. While Michael was singing for his life the other judges, in particular Horny Chick, were frantically waving their arms about while all the while Captain Jack was just sitting there, suggesting to me that the other three bozos wanted to save Michael but Simon was refusing to say what his vote would be until he had to. Classic stuff that will be greatly missed after Captain Jack leaves the show after this season.

The Fearless Prediction: 2 contestants have to go tomorrow so I guess I have to select a bottom 4. Michael and Tim seem safe after their performances tonight, and Casey’s looks should buy him a few more weeks. Crystal is still destined to be the last chick eliminated, and Lee is steadily building a larger fan base if the screeches from the audience are any indication. So that leaves Katie, Siobhan, Aaron, and Andrew as your bottom 4. I suspect that after last week’s scare that the tweeners will save Aaron, and while I have sneaky suspicion that Siobhan may now be in danger, especially with the judges’ save gone, I do not want to see her go just yet. So my prediction is that Andrew and Katie will be sent home on double elimination night and miss out on next week’s fake telethon.

Imagine There Will Be An Answer

There is a way to fix this you know. All of you preparing to go on hunger strikes and burn effigies of Tim Urban, there is a way to fix this without resorting to violence or voodoo. Just get rid of the text voting. It is faster to place a text vote than a phone-in vote, even for a clumsy txtr like me, so just imagine how quickly a 12 year old girl who has been texting her entire life can place a bunch of votes while her cougar mom and grandma are waiting for the busy signal to end. Then imagine how many votes the tweener can make when you realize she will never see the 4 figure phone bill like mom and grandma do. Of course, for the reasons I outlined last week there is no way the Idol producers will alienate their most loyal audience that also happens to be an advertiser’s favorite, even though the rest of America is turning the channel to Dancing with the Stars.

This recap is dedicated to one, perhaps the only one, of my faithful readers who is about to go to war with the Big C. This one is for you Lil; it is for you that I am staying up until 2 AM each Tuesday night writing these things.

Trained Seal begins the show from the control booth, even though we can still hear the screeches from the peanut gallery as Ryan plays director as well as star. After the traditional opening credits, deep voice announcer, and the look from Chicken Little E that suggests she is still amazed to be here, Trained Seal wishes departed contestant Didi Benami well with a bit of a smirk on his face. Didi’s bitter comments to the press this past week may explain why the producers asked Trained Seal to try and pretend that he was sort of sincere.

Tonight’s theme is the songs of John Lennon and Paul McCartney. Rather than serve as a tormentor Sir Paul sends his greetings via video from somewhere far, far away. Trained Seal asks Randy how tonight’s contestants can possibly follow up the “standout night” the contestants in Season 7 had when they too sang Lennon/McCartney songs. I did not hear what Big Sexy said because my phone rang, but if it was anything close to agreeing with Trained Seal’s assessment of the butcher job the Season 7 contestants did with this theme I did not want to hear it. Chicken Little E said nothing of note, a technique she would use after every contestant tonight. Horny Chick uses her vast knowledge and expertise in songwriting to talk about why she thinks Lennon/McCartney songs are so good. Captain Jack agrees with Kara and says some other meaningless things.

Aaron Kelly, “The Long and Winding Road”: Tonight each of the contestants get roasted by the others, which Trained Seal bills as “inside information.” The other contestants talk about Aaron’s awesome Yoda impersonations and how Aaron’s maturity and knack for Jedi mind tricks reminds them all of the little green master. Once again Aaron has selected a slow, boring ballad and once again he sings it more or less on pitch and in tune. Once again the peanut gallery is waving their arms to the keep themselves awake during Aaron’s performance. But hey, it’s working for him and for the tweeners who keep voting for him. Big Sexy utters 3 yos; name drops Rascal Flatts, but did not like the sleepy arrangement and did not get booed. Chicken Little E thought Aaron was “fantastic” but that it also seemed like “the long and winding song.” That earned her a boo or two. Kara complains that Aaron keeps singing the same song every week and wants to hear him sing something more up tempo. Aaron responds by vowing to sing something faster next week. Captain Jack asks “sweetie” why he chose that song, and Aaron talks about how this show has been a long and winding road for him. The captain starts talking about how boring and afraid to change Aaron is when he gets interrupted by a loud and direct “BOO” from some guy in the audience. More from him later. Aaron tells Trained Seal about how he “definitely” believed in the song and hears a loud “I love you!” from a different member of the audience. Last time I remember hearing that shouted at a contestant the contestant in question ended up winning the show.

Katie Stevens, “Let It Be”: Trained Seal asks Katie about the 5 prom date proposals she has received from some adoring fans. Katie promises to accept the proposal of the guy who has voted for her the most, as long as they can prove it with phone records. The other contestants talk about how she is everyone’s little sister and how she is a master of the “single lady dance.” I must admit it is pretty darn cool. Katie goes back to the low register start to her song but it is more in tune than usual this time. For the first time I can actually hear the country in her voice that Captain Jack has been claiming exists for several weeks now. Her louder notes are actually pretty good and pretty close to good pitch. I can even feel some emotion from her for once, though I would guess the judges will again whine about how too old and old-fashioned it sounds. Big Sexy utters 3 yos and declares that it was Katie’s best vocal ever. Chicken Little E tells Katie that she won’t be in the bottom 3 this week, without hearing the 7 other contestants yet. I cannot help by reminisce about how Drunk Chick used to say those kinds of things between shots. Horny Chick thinks Katie is blossoming because she is finally listening to what the judges have been telling her. Captain Jack thinks Katie has finally gotten it right by not listening to Horny Chick and instead listening to him and his advice for her to sing country. Horny Chick and Big Sexy of course defend themselves and make fun of Captain Jack and this country thing. Trained Seal joins the fun by asking Katie which country she thinks Simon is referring to.

Andrew Garcia, “Can’t Buy Me Love”: Apparently Andrew is the resident class clown and no one can understand why Captain Jack keeps claiming that Andrew has no personality. Andrew promises to sing this song with a little bit of a twist, and instead throws about 5 or 6 major twists into the song. It was an OK vocal though the ever changing arrangements left me all confused. At least he did not do a ballad version of a hip hop song this time. While none of the judges mention the Drunk Chick song someone in the audience holds up a sign saying “We’re straight up for Andrew!” Big Sexy utters 1 yo and while he thought it was solid he also thought it was corny. Chicken Little E can only say that “you can buy love,” a statement that Horny Chick quickly gets behind. Horny Chick cannot bring herself to love Andrew’s performance though and does not love the smattering of boos either. She did love the breakdown though, which must have been one of the many arrangement changes Andrew made that I lost track of after about the 5th one. Captain Jack goes after Ricky Minor and the band, saying that they overpowered the song and made it all irrelevant. Andrew claims had fun though.

Michael Lynche, “Eleanor Rigby”: As expected there were lots of comments from a number of contestants about how big Mike is and how he greets everyone and everything with a high-pitched “hey.” It appeared at first to me to be an unusual song choice for Mister R&B, but Mike explained that he used to sing this song all the time with his family band The Lynche Mob. Now that is corny. Michael lays out the drama from beginning to end, though it sounded a little awkward to me. It sounded like he was trying to fight the urge to turn the song into another R&B number. At the end it sounded like Mike just gave up on the R&B thing and just sang the song. It is no coincidence that this was the best part of his performance. Big Sexy utters 2 quick yos and tells Mike that he has the license to sing whatever he wants even if it does not all work like this time. Horny Chick heaps all kinds of praise on Michael’s fiery vocals and claims that this is what the show is all about. Between her and Big Sexy I have lost count of the number of claims they have made about what the show is all about. Captain Jack gets booed by the audience and a funny face from Michael for claiming that the performance was right out of a musical and was over the top. Big Sexy retorts by claiming that Michael’s performance was current because it would fit right in with Glee. The Fox folks slide some more Benjamin’s into Big Sexy’s pocket for that plug. Horny Chick agrees with Randy but then claims that she is not saying the same thing as him. She repeats this to Trained Seal just to make sure everyone knows that she is an idiot. Michael cannot seem to figure out what to do about Captain Jack’s comment except to challenge him to a pec contest. Typical jock, resorting to chest puffing when standard logic fails.

Crystal Bowersox, “Come Together”: During her Coca Cola treatment Crystal talks about the new city sign her dad put up in her hometown of Elliston, Ohio. Trained Seal also asks about her little cold, but unlike the others Crystal does not used it as an excuse and later tells Trained Seal that she will sing from her death bed if she had to. Now that is honesty. All of the contestants brag about Crystal “Mama Sox” motherly instincts and honesty. The song starts with a note from a didgeridoo, which I am pretty sure is a first for this show. Crystal bops along to a pretty nice groove and kicks it up a notch towards the end. She even cracks a smile. This performance is mixing in a little Melissa Etheridge with her standard Janis Joplin sound. Best of the night so far and the best song choice of the night. Big Sexy utters 3 yos and thinks that it is solid though he was distracted by the Aussie instrument. Chicken Little E loved the didgeridoo and later claims to Trained Seal that she has actually played one before. Most have been on own of her shows that I have never watched. Horny Chick name drops Bonnie Raitt and thought Crystal was slinky and sexy. Hopefully Crystal will keep ignoring Kara’s comments. Captain Jack does too and tells Crystal that her act is working because she is honest. The didgeridoo player, Ernie Fields, Jr., gets a shout out and accompanies Trained Seal’s reading of Crystal’s phone number.

Tim Urban, “All My Loving”: No surprise, all of the contestants brag about Tim’s smile because, let’s face it, they all know that is all his has going for him. Tim seems to know this too, so he picked a song that he could sing with a smile. Tim has traded up from an acoustic guitar to an electric one, but it does not seem to make any difference. He is still pitchy and I still cannot hear the guitar. Is it plugged in? Funny, I did not see a single smile the entire song, except from me. I could not keep myself from laughing at the end of this. It was no train wreck or anything but it is clear he has no business still being on this show. Big Sexy utters 4 Tim’s but no yos, and then says it was a good “Tim performance” because he has given up saying anything critical about this kid. Randy also admires Tim’s mop top hairdo and talks about getting one himself. Chicken Little E thought it was his second best performance this season (first being Tim Buckley’s “Hallelujah”) and gives another reason for the tweeners to screech. Horny Chick praises Tim for enduring the judge’s criticisms but saying nothing worth noting about his performance tonight. Captain Jack actually claims that it was good on its own merits and does not qualify it like Big Sexy did, and then praises Tim for taking the judge’s criticism like a man rather than whining and making funny faces, except for the funny faces that he makes when he sings. It seems the dude judges have gone into full Sanjaya mode, heaping false praise on Tim in the hopes that the tweeners will stop feeling sorry for him and vote for someone else. Tim apparently did not watch Season 6 because of instead of seeing through this ploy he acts stunned that the judges actually praised him for once. Trained Seal tells the screamers to stop interrupting him and works in a promo for the summer tour by telling the screamers that they can scream all they want if they buy a concert ticket.

Casey James, “Jealous Guy”: Leave it to the poser to choose a song from Lennon’s solo career instead of a Beatles song. The other contestants talk about how Casey acts like a playboy and a soap opera star. See, it is not just me who sees this guy as a poser. I am just the only one willing to call him on it. The contestants also make fun of his goldilocks hair. At least I have not done that. Casey has switched guitars with Tim, using the acoustic guitar this time instead of his self-indulgent electric one. Casey sings the whole song acoustically with only a cello accompaniment, and stays in tune and on pitch the whole time. I hate to say it, but Casey was actually good. His vocal showed some soul and was his most authentic performance to date; and there was no self-indulgent guitar solo to be found. Big Sexy utters 1 yo; name drops Stevie Ray Vaughan, and proclaims that he felt Casey up. Chicken Little E makes a quick joke about Casey’s hair and drops some boring words of praise. Horny Chick talks about how Casey finally showed some depth and vulnerability that his performances have been lacking so far. See, even the Horny Chick thinks this guy is a poser. Captain Jack thought it was the best performance of the night so far and was impressed by the “ginormous” difference from last week. Casey tells us that the emotion came from “thinking about being a jealous guy.” Trained Seal thought that was believable, and so do I.

Siobhan Magnus, “Across the Universe”: The other contestants were unanimous that Siobhan is “amazingly weird,” unique, and can hit some crazy ridiculous notes. Siobhan promises something different in her video and I wonder if that means she will be a regular person tonight. The paper mache skirt would suggest otherwise, though her hairstyle is much more subdued than her usual coif. Siobhan has changed up the song a bit and turned it into a pure ballad that sounds like it is from a musical. I am very impressed by her beautiful tone and control. Even her usual big note was in tune and low key. All in all it was very delicate and beautiful. I had tears in my eyes instead of goosebumps on my arms at the end. Big Sexy uttered 1 yo and thought it was too sleepy, but he loved the tenderness and artistry. Chicken Little E name drops Rufus Wainwright and supports Siobhan’s weirdness, but says nothing about the performance worth repeating. Horny Chick is having a hard time processing the fact that Siobhan actually sang the song instead of screaming it like she usually does. Kara does not seem to like the fact that Siobhan hit all her notes and showed control and restraint. Captain Jack wants to know what Siobhan was connecting too while singing the song. Siobhan starts to get emotional as she talks about how she was competing for her baby sisters and that she connected to the lyric that nothing was going to change her world. Simon started talking about how much better she was than last week and how he likes that Siobhan is confusing Horny Chick when he gets interrupted by the same guy that loudly booed him during Aaron’s critique. The judges demand that the heckler stand up and identify himself. Earl seems to like Siobhan’s performance so Trained Seal invites him to the stage and give Siobhan a hug while her phone number is read.

Lee DeWyze, “Hey Jude”: I guess it makes sense for the dude in the closer spot to sing the same song Paul McCartney closes his show with; at least I think he does. “Hey Jude does seem like a natural encore song though, kind of like”Freebird”. Lee is the resident worry wart who is always worried that he will be booted off the show no matter how good his performance is. As long as Tim stays on the show Lee should have nothing to worry about. The contestants also take about Lee’s bromance with Andrew. Crystal gets line of the night honors by saying that Lee and Andrew should get married and make “Danny Gokey babies.” Lee starts the song in a higher chord than the original version and has a hard time hitting all the new notes. Ricky and the band slide in during the second verse but it does not seem to help Lee’s pitch. That is until Lee gets to the shouting part of the song. Things seem to be going fine now and then a bagpipe player walks down the stairs and accompanies Lee for the rest of the song. At least the bagpipe player pretended like he did until he scurried off the stage at the end because I could not hear it over Ricky and the band. It had some good moments and some bad ones, but nothing that will change someone’s life. Big Sexy utters 2 yos; thought the bagpipes were funny, thought Lee was hot, and urges Lee to “please believe.” Chicken Little E strains to make a joke about the bagpipes. Horny Chick says the same thing as Big Sexy except for the yos. Captain Jack thought Lee was doing great until the distracting bagpipe showed up. Trained Seal strains to make a joke about Jude being Scottish and questions Lee on why he wanted a bagpipe player to perform on his song. Lee’s simple response: “why not man!” Why not indeed.

Play “Freebird!”

The Final Score: 20 shots at Horny Chick Kara; 16 shots at Big Sexy Randy; 16 shots at Captain Jack Simon; 15 shots at Trained Seal Ryan; 10 shots at Chicken Little E Ellen; 2 shots at Ricky Minor and the band, 13 shots at the audience, and no tormentor to take a shot at. There were 4 references to former Idol contestants, 9 references to other non-Idol performers (including Yoda), and 3 references to Drunk Chick Paula. I would guess this number will drop to 0 as soon as Andrew Garcia leaves the show. 2 Coca-Cola treatments, 3 name drops, 0 K-word utterances, 16 yo’s from Big Sexy, 2 blossoming contestants, 2 foreign instruments, 1 “sweetie” contestant, 1 pec contest challenge, 1 call for an encore, and a tear instead of a goosebump.

Your 3 Stars of the Night: Crystal Bowersox earned her place back in this paragraph after taking a week off to get Horny Chick to stopping whining about how Crystal would not wear high heels. Siobhan Magnus brought me to tears in a good way. And yes, I have to give Casey James a star for his performance. Hopefully I will feel better in the morning about this. Honorable mention to Katie Stevens for pulling out her best performance of the season when she desperately needed to have any chance of staying on the show.

Idol Gives Back: The ESP was on overdrive last week. Not only did I correctly predict that Didi would be sent home, not only did I predict that Katie and Tim would join Didi in the relegation zone, but I also foresaw the lame Clash of the Titans promo. Release the Kraken! Sadly, this accurate prediction also confirmed my suspicion that tweener girls have hijacked the voting.

The Fearless Prediction: I have resorted to trying to gauge the level of screeches from the audience after each contestant’s performance to try and guess who will be sent home. I cannot see how there would not be at least one chick in the relegation zone, so I would guess that Siobhan will be there because Katie sang her way out of it and Siobhan got criticized by the judges for not screaming. Aaron deserves to be in the bottom 3 but there is no way he will be placed there until at least Idol Gives Back week, or until all the chicks are eliminated. I keep predicting that Andrew will end up in the bottom 3 so I will try that again. I do believe, though, that this is the week that Tim Urban will finally be voted off the show, despite the smile and the screeches. There are just not that many chicks left that can be voted off before him.

And if Katie or Siobhan get voted off this week then I will consider giving up this blog and finding another outlet for my wit and sarcasm. Well, since Broadway Boy is going to be the tormentor next week I might wait a week before doing that.

Please believe!

Stress and Strain

Imagine the possibility that the final 7 could consist of Crystal Bowersox and all 6 guys, or that the final 8 could consist of Crystal, Siobhan Magnus, and all 6 guys. This is a very real possibility given how things are shaping up, and this after both Big Sexy and Captain Jack claimed that this was a “girl’s year.” It would also be a clear sign (as if Kris Allen was not enough) that the tweener girls have hijacked the voting and potentially alienated the rest of America. The real question is whether or not the producers of American Idol or the folks at Fox even care. Tweener girls are a highly sought after advertiser’s demographic after all, and the Fox folks know that they have Captain Jack’s X-Factor show to fall back on if their current cash cow runs dry.

“OK guys, here we go,” declares Trained Seal as he starts the show back stage with the contestants standing at attention and the judges pretending to make out. Ryan then takes the stage to a standing ovation from the peanut gallery as the opening credits roll. Trained Seal asks the audience to call out the name of who they think will win, and the expected cacophony occurs. The only names Ryan claims to hear are Clay Aiken’s and Simon’s.

Tonight’s tormentor for Soul/R&B night is Usher, a “big gun” with the ultimate R&B show, at least according to Trained Seal. Whatever happened to tormentors like Stevie Wonder who does not have to pretend that he is a big name in the business? Usher asks the contestants for permission to hurt their feelings, a consideration that I have never bothered to consider in the 4 seasons I have been recapping this show. Maybe I can learn something from the tormentor for a change. After the promo video Usher and Trained Seal bond in the audience and promote the new Usher album, shades drawn of course. I guess wearing shades indoors is Usher’s “thang”. Trained Seal tries to provoke Usher to admit that some of his songs may offend people he knows. Usher of course dances around the question. A number of contestants did this tonight when pushed by Ryan to respond to personal questions, so perhaps they too learned something from the tormentor this week.

Siobhan Magnus, “Through the Fire” by Chaka Khan: Siobhan admits that she has been a big fan of Usher since she was 6 years old; a funny thing to say considering Usher looks about 5 years younger than Siobhan. Usher comments on Siobhan’s outfit but does not say much about her singing except that she has a surprisingly loud voice. He does not bother to mention the large tattoo on Siobhan’s right shoulder that she has been hiding all this time. Siobhan tells us that she just cannot wear regular dress and heels, one week after she admitted that she is a little bit strange. At least she is honest even if she is a little bit, well, weird. Siobhan starts the song slow and still in a pair of “Missy Elliott” boots as described by Trained Seal. The first verse sounds kind of muffled and tentative, not what we usually hear from Siobhan. The choruses have the usual big, long notes from her, but they sound even more strained than the big notes Siobhan sang last week. The final big notes are a little better but seem forced. Big Sexy utters 1 yo and then claims it was a “little” pitchy. He still liked Siobhan’s courage and her big boots, because this is a singing competition. Chicken Little E still likes Siobhan but thinks she wandered off of the trail and got scared, one of many analogies that Ellen strained to get out tonight. Horny Chick is still in love with the screaming parts, because again this is a singing competition and Kara is an expert in singing, and then tells Siobhan that she is entitled to an off night. Captain Jack of course disagrees and tells Siobhan that it sounded like she was running a marathon while singing the song. This of course earns Simon a chorus of boos, who in turn earn a rebuke from Captain Jack. He is not only bored with the boos but also with the screaming from Siobhan that Horny Chick is in love with. Trained Seal questions the judges on their comments, which sets off a second round of critiques from them. Siobhan told Ryan that she wanted to try something different even if she did not “kill it,” and everyone looks at Captain Jack to point out the irony of that sentence. Simon did not disappoint, calling Siobhan’s performance “manslaughter.” I think you can get parole for that, though. Chicken Little E adds a comment about “gilding the lily” and I am too tired to comment on the other comments. I swear if they are going to do this double comment thing after every contestant I am going to up all night again.

After the break we see Siobhan sulking at the green room buffet table and getting a big sympathy hug from Mike. We got to see and hear all of the contestants back stage after their performances, though Siobhan’s is the only one that warrants a comment.

Casey James, “Hold On, I’m Comin’” by Sam and Dave: Casey promised during the semis that he would reveal his pre-show routine and what is in his box if he reached the Top 10. Well, we are still waiting poser. Casey thinks this week is perfect for him because he is such the R&B/soul artist. Usher thinks he is a rock star even though Casey cannot seem to remember the lyrics. The tormentor also likes Casey’s swagger. I do not, if this is not obvious to you by now. Casey starts solo but quickly Ricky and the band kick in and have a rollicking good time with this song. Casey seems to be too, which as you all know is the most important thing to the contestants on this singing competition. Casey’s singing is decent though very staccato. I also think he made up the words to the second verse. That is one way to avoid getting called out for forgetting the lyrics. Captain Jack would normally call him on that but he clearly does not care any more. And once again Casey finishes with a self-indulgent guitar solo. Funny you don’t hear Horny Chick asking Casey to drop his guitar like she is doing with all the chick singers. Big Sexy utters 3 yos, says Casey’s name twice, name drops Sam Moore, and says nothing else worth noting. Ellen loves the vocals and the consistency but gets booed by describing the performance as safe and generic. She is clearly straining to be both funny and positive and I am really missing Drunk Chick now because Paula never had to try to be both; she was just naturally that way. Horny Chick thinks Casey is holding back and wants him to show her everything he’s got. Yes, Trained Seal did make a snide comment about this later. Captain Jack just wants to be honest when he tells Casey that it was his best performance to date and showed a new side as an artist. Casey promises Trained Seal that he will play acoustic guitar next week instead of the electric strings. Maybe that is what he has in that box.

Michael Lynche, “Ready for Love” by India Arie: Usher gives Big Mike his best advice of the night after Mike tells him that he will be playing a guitar this week: “chicks dig a guy who can play a guitar and sing.” Perhaps to some of you this is obvious but Mike treats this as words of infinite wisdom. Usher shows off his ability to look into the camera and connect with the audience and urges Mike to do the same. Mike starts his song slow and sitting behind the judges with his eyes closed instead of making love at the camera as Usher suggested. He does not seem to need Usher’s advice, though, as Mike is getting very romantic all on his own. The mosh pit does the hand waiving thing again but because Mike has his eyes closed and his back turned to the peanut gallery it is not a distraction. It is a nice, silky vocal. For once Michael was a singer and not so much of a performer. Big Sexy utters 1 yo, 2 looks, 2 Mikes, and thinks Mike is “in the zone” with the “sensitive thing.” Chicken Little E thought it was beautiful and strains to make a joke about people singing behind her back. Horny Chick had never heard this song before, even though she is a trained professional, but thought that Mike found the true emotion in the song even though he is “so far away from that.” So far away from what? Captain Jack can finally take Michael seriously as an artist instead of being a “silly karaoke singer.” Trained Seal solicits a positive comment from the tormentor in the audience before reading the phone number.

Didi Benami, “What Becomes of the Brokenhearted” by Jimmy Ruffin: Didi tells us that this song struck a nerve with her and gets all emotional after she sang it to Usher. Usher tries to urge Didi to use that emotion in her singing, though Didi is not sure that she can control it for a full 90 seconds. She bounces in and out of pitch while singing the first verse. The chorus is a little better but the second verse is even pitchier than the first. Didi keeps the emotion in check but she is clearly struggling to do so. She is wearing a nice dress though. Big Sexy utters 1 yo and thought the song was flat line. Randy gets booed but is still keeping it real. Chicken Little E strains to call it “dramatic” and can’t think of anything else to say. She gets booed for her troubles too. Horny Chick I think says “it’s over dumb girl,” but because no one booed her I wonder if I heard that correctly. Kara then babbles on about her confusion because Didi refuses to stay in the singer/songwriter box Horny Chick wants to put her in. Captain Jack prompts some more boos by telling Didi that her performance was over the top, old fashioned, off melody, no longer contemporary (was she ever?), and sounded like she was swimming in jelly and like a song from a dancing show. Big Sexy wants to know if Simon was referring to that goofy dance show across the hall with the screaming chick or the other dancing show that will soon overtake Idol in the ratings. Trained Seal asks Didi to elaborate on why the song struck a nerve with her. Didi dances around the question so Trained Seal rephrases it and asks her why she was crying after she sang the song to Usher. Again Didi deflects the question and then tries to distract Ryan by saying that it was because of him. Finally Trained Seal gets the hint and tells us that Didi was thinking of someone specific when she sang the song.

Tim Urban, “Sweet Love” by Anita Baker: Teflon Tim gets the first of two Coca-Cola treatments tonight. Trained Seal asks Tim about his new nickname and he thinks its all good, for while he respects what the judges say he is just out there to have fun. If I had a dime for every Idol contestant who has ever said that. I would be a millionaire from this season alone. After Tim’s first performance Usher does not believe that Tim has ever been in love, so he asks Tim to pretend that he is in love with him. When that does not work Usher suggests using an imaginary lover as motivation. This does not seem to work that well either but both Tim and Usher feel more comfortable about it. Tim takes a chance and puts down the guitar and sits on a chair. He has changed up the arrangement to get around how weak his voice is compared to Anita Baker’s and has only marginal success. He actually looks kind of sad, and this is supposed to be a love song. Tim sang a decent vocal for him, the key phrase being “for him.” Big Sexy utters 1 yo, 1 dog, and thinks there were both plusses and minuses in the performance. Randy then goes into detail on the minuses, straining to compare Tim’s performance to a singing waiter and saying that it was pedestrian and without swag or “looove” with a vibrato. Do you know what I’m sayin’? Chicken Little E claims that there is a drinking game out there that requires players to take a drink when she says “adorable.” I think she is not nearly as popular with college students as she thinks she is. Ellen wonders why in the world Tim chose that song and thought his walking around stage was like someone sneaking into a bedroom. Horny Chick thought it was Broadway at times, Vegas at other times, and thought Tim took the soul out of the song on R&B/Soul night. Kara then gets all upset when Tim starts laughing instead of standing there pretending like he is listening. Captain Jack pulls out the mouse pretending to be an elephant analogy again and then talks about how it does not matter what the judges say because Tim and his tweener girl fan base do not care. Simon has clearly gone into Sanjaya Malakar mode here with Teflon Tim. I can only imagine what the folks at Vote for the Worst.com think about this.

Andrew Garcia, “Forever” by Chris Brown: Usher thinks Andrew is nervous as all out during his first performance, so he pulls off the shades to be sincere, urging Andrew to believe in himself and believe in the acoustic version of the song. The strings are back but are hiding in the mosh pit. Andrew is pulling another “Straight Up”, taking a hip hop dance song and turning it into a ballad. At least this time it is a song originally sung by a male artist. And like his performance of the Drunk Chick song Andrew has a strong vocal and is making the song his own. Well done. Big Sexy utters 6 yos (tops for the night) and declares that Andrew is back from wherever he has been the last several weeks. Chicken Little E thinks Andrew finally competed with that “other song.” Horny Chick is happy to declare that Andrew has taken “one giant leap” from wherever he has been the last several weeks. Captain Jack thought this performance was miles better from where Andrew has been the last several weeks but still thinks Andrew is boring. While Trained Seal threatens to get in his grill again Simon strains to explain that contestants cannot be boring if they hope to win, right after saying that Tim Urban has no chance to win even though he is getting by only because of his personality. Trained Seal does finally back away but then mentioned the Drunk Chick song again and provokes Andrew’s mom to come forward and give Simon a piece of her mind.

Katie Stevens, “Think” by Aretha Franklin: Katie claims that she had a brush with Usher at a concert some time ago. Usher of course blew her off then but is reluctant to admit it now that Katie is all famous and stuff. Usher urges Katie to adopt a diva attitude and to try and personalize the song by singing it to one guy in the audience. Pretty much the same advice he gave Michael except with the other gender. For once Katie does not start the song in her low register but she is still pitchy. Katie is certainly dressed like she is trying to convey an attitude with her sleeveless blouse and short skirt. She is more or less in tune and her pitch got better as the song went along, but it was flat for me. I kept waiting for her allegedly big voice to bust out and it never did. Not a good thing to happen when you are trying to sing an Aretha song. Big Sexy utters only 1 yo and thought it was disconnected vocally. Even so, he thought it was the best vocal of the night because Katie sounded like Christina Aguilera. Chicken Little E annoys me by mentioning the snuggie poof again and whining about how Katie is acting too mature. Earth to Ellen, the girl is 17, get over it will ya? OK, enough of that. Horny Chick thought it was Katie’s best performance to date and that she is finally where she belongs, but she is still not acting young enough. Captain Jack cannot believe that Big Sexy compared Katie to Christina Aguilera. In response, both Randy and Horny Chick claim that Big Sexy did not mean to compare Katie to Christina, only that Katie has the potential to be as good as Christina. That is not what I heard though. Captain Jack then tells Katie that her performance was good but cold, robotic, and like someone from Star Search. Ironically Christina Aguilera got her first break appearing on Star Search, a fun fact you can share with your friends. He finishes his comments by again claiming that Horny Chick is an idiot and that Katie would be foolish to listen to her. Horny Chick again claims that Captain Jack thinks Katie should be a country singer, while Big Sexy chimes in to say that he sees Katie as a pop singer with an R&B lean. No wonder Katie is so lost. The judges still cannot agree on what box they want to force Katie into. Katie tells Trained Seal that she only listens to herself and not to any of the judges, but I am still waiting to see proof that Katie actually believes this.

Lee DeWyze, “Treat Her Like a Lady” by Cornelius Brothers and Sister Rose: Lee gets the second Coca-Cola treatment of the night and still looks and sounds like he is scared. Trained Seal plays the sympathy card and tells us that Lee has walking pneumonia. Usher is impressed by Lee’s voice but can smell the fear. “If you don’t believe it they won’t,” he advises Lee, who treats this like something from Socrates. It did the trick though, because Lee is showing lots of energy in this performance. He is showing good range, decent vocals, and he is not trying to swallow the microphone. Wait, is that a goosebump? And Crystal is not performing? How about that! Big Sexy utters 2 yos, 3 check it outs, 2 bombs, and 1 unbelievable. Ellen thought it was the best of the night. Horny Chick thought Lee brought the song into his world, whatever that means. Captain Jack gets all serious when he tells Lee that he has always believed in him even when Lee did not believe in himself and that tonight Lee finally justified that belief by giving a performance that will change his life forever. I told you he was all serious.

Crystal Bowersox, “Midnight Train to Georgia” by Gladys Knight and the Pips: Crystal promised some surprises this week and unalike that poser Casey she actually delivered. Not only is Crystal wearing high heels for the first time she is also playing a piano instead of a guitar. Usher thought it was a grand idea (pun semi intended) even though Crystal has not played a piano in years. Her rustiness at the keyboards is evident when she starts the song as Crystal keeps looking at the keyboard instead of at the hand waving audience. She finally gives up and gets off the bench to sing the chorus. The chick back-up singers are a little odd for a song famous for male back-up singers but Crystal is still working the room fairly well. It was not her best performance but she did change up a lot of things and still managed to give a decent performance. She even wore a dress if you can believe it. Big Sexy utters 2 yos, loves the outfit, and name drops Gladys Knight, who Randy is apparently working with right now, or so he says. Chicken Little E thinks Crystal is “in it to win it,” a revelation the rest of us had over a month ago. Horny Chick is happy that someone is actually listening to her. Captain Jack thought the female back-up singers were “old fashioned” but that it was still a great song choice for her. He then gets serious for the second contestant in a row when he tells Crystal to not listen to the idiot next to him and not let “the process” suck her identity out of her. He clearly wants Crystal to win and justify his claim that this is supposed to be a girl’s year. Trained Seal does not think that Crystal would take a bigger risk and wear a one shoulder blouse like the one Horny Chick is wearing. Crystal thought it was cute but did not commit to wearing something like it.

Aaron Kelly, “Ain’t No Sunshine” by Bill Withers: Usher thought Aaron was incredible and pushed him to make the famous “I know’s” in the song “personal and theatric,” his “personalized moment.” Is it just me or has Usher gotten personal with pretty much all of the contestants? Trained Seal reminds us that Aaron is ditching high school to be on this show, though this time he made no claims that Aaron was sick. He starts out kind of rushed, though he does sell the “I knows” pretty well. No shrieks from the mosh pit though so I am wondering if they were just muted or if there is something wrong. It was your typical Aaron Kelly performance, a decent vocal of a nice and easy ballad. I wonder if Aaron will ever have the courage to defy the judges and the tweeners and do another type of song. Big Sexy utters 2 yos and sort of says that Aaron worked it out. Chicken Little E strains to make another joke about Aaron’s age. Kara liked it but did not love it. Captain Jack thought it was OK but it was a cupcake compared to Lee’s main course, and again utters he belief that the tweener girls will keep in on the show for another week.

We’re out 2 minutes late with only 10 contestants. Release the Kraken!

The Final Score: 22 shots at Trained Seal Ryan; 18 shots at Captain Jack Simon; 16 shots at Horny Chick Kara; 15 shots at Big Sexy Randy; 11 shots at Chicken Little E Ellen; 3 shots at Ricky Minor and the band, 10 shots at the audience, and 21 shots at Usher the personal tormentor. There were 3 references to former Idol contestants, 6 references to other non-Idol performers (not counting the tormentor), and 5 references to Drunk Chick Paula. 2 Coca-Cola treatments, no iTunes plugs yet again, 3 name drops, 1 K-word utterance, 20 yo’s from Big Sexy, 2 references to dance shows, 2 references to Star Search, 1 tattoo, 1 manslaughter charge, 1 claim about a drinking game, 1 Greek philosopher, 1 broken promise, 1 kept promise, 1 cupcake, and the first goosebump not generated by Crystal.

Your 3 Stars of the Night: Lee finally stopped singing like he was in front of a firing squad and was the best of the night. I am forced to agree with Horny Chick that if Lee can do this next week he’ll be back in the title hunt. Andrew finally got the judges to stop comparing his performances to the Horny Chick song by doing the same thing to a Chris Brown song. Michael managed to be romantic without being dramatic and gets the third star.

Idol Gives Back: No surprise that Paige Miles ended up being sent home. None of these chicks can afford to crash and burn like she did last week and expect to stick around. Just as Katie, who found herself again on the hot seat. I avoided picking Teflon Tim because of fears that he would embarrass me as much as he did Captain Jack last week, but I was not surprised to see him there.

The Fearless Prediction: A safe bet is that the bottom 3 will be Tim Urban and 2 chicks, the only guess is which 2 girls will be on the cold seats and which one of them will be sent home. We could see Katie back there again and it would not surprise me if Siobhan shows up there for the first time. Her weirdness can only be overcome if she sings well and she did not do that this week. However, I think there will be another first timer, Didi Benami, who will end up in the bottom 3 and finally sent home tomorrow night. Of course I fully expect that now that I have predicted her departure she will be declared safe to bore us to tears for yet another week.

As If It Is A Big Deal or Something

OK, let’s see if I can finish this before 2:30 AM so I can show up at work on time tomorrow.

I was thinking of writing up a white paper on why I think the tweeners who have taken control of the voting are accelerating the path Idol is taking to cancelation, and why the Idol producers won’t do anything about it, but now I realize that a) it probably doesn't matter what I think and b) it would double the time it will take to write this recap. So I’ll just do my job and save my ranting to perhaps another time.

The remaining 11 contestants are lined up on stage while Trained Seal looms over them from the video board. Downright scary if you ask me. Another scary thing is Trained Seal’s claim that last week the contestants were successful in rocking the Stones. The judges and Ryan are again introduced by the ominous announcer that is never heard from again. Little E walks out on stage looking around in amazement as if she had never been on stage before. Either that or there is a fly buzzing around her head.

Trained Seal breaks kayfabe for the first time this season by saying that the show is live from “Los Angeles” instead of “Hollywood.” There he goes, shattering the dreams of millions of tweeners worldwide who still think Hollywood is some magical place instead of the slum section of L.A. that it really is. Big Sexy reminds us that the loser this week misses out on the summer tour as if it is like a big deal or something. Little E talks about the importance of voting as if it is a big deal or something. Trained Seal tries to provoke Kara to criticize Simon for criticizing her song writing critique. Horny Chick babbles on about how much she knows about song writing though no one can hear her because Captain Jack is talking over her. Looks like Trained Seal plan backfired. After Trained Seal talks about Simon’s revealing V-neck sweater Captain Jack warns Ryan to stay away from his grill. More homo-banter ensues until Trained Seal and Little E exchange a safe kiss. Captain Jack then talks about how being kicked off this week is like getting 5 out of 6 numbers in the lottery, as if it is like a bad thing or something. Personally I would love to get 5 out of 6 numbers in the lottery. Captain Jack may not need the money but I sure do.

Another first of the season is this week’s tormentor Miley Cyrus. Trained Seal tries to dismiss the questions about whether or not a 17 year old can mentor contestants older than her by claiming that she has “lots of experience” and has “conquered all corners of the entertainment world.” Well Miley has not appeared on Dancing with the Stars yet so there is at least one corner of the entertainment world that she has not conquered yet. Miley talks about how seriously she takes her work and how she wants to tell the contestants to just be comfortable and have fun. Is it possible to be both serious and comfortable? Must be that lots of experience talking. Unlike most tormentors Miley actually has the guts to show up in the audience and listen to the contestants sing. Perhaps it is because none of them chose to sing one of Miley’s songs.

Lee DeWyze, “The Letter” by The Box Tops: Miley points out that Lee has not shown any stage presence so far. Glad to see that Miley is providing such sage advice, especially since every American over the age of 13 already knows this. Lee lays out a number of excuses for why he has been so vanilla on stage but in the end he admits that Miley is right. Even though it was announced as a Box Tops song Lee is singing the Joe Cocker version instead, complete with the horns but without the spastic motions. Lee is more or less in tune and on pitch, though he is adding a bunch of new words into the song and flubbing them at that. It was decent but not great, more or less average for him, though Lee showed more personality than usual. Big Sexy utters 2 yo’s, 2 Lee’s and then claims that Lee “knocked it out.” Little E struggles to compare Lee to her favorite pen that started to run out of ink but then starts to write again. Kara claims that Lee has raised the bar for himself. Captain Jack gets the first of many boos tonight but claiming that Lee’s performance was corny and “not a recording performance,” whatever that means. Trained Seal asks Lee about Captain Jack’s comments from last week when he said that Lee was thinking too much on stage. Lee assures us that he was not thinking at all tonight. Take that for what you will.

During the break we learn that Kris Allen’s car tells him where he can get gasoline in Napa. Glad to see that he is still keeping up the kayfabe and having us believe that he actually drives to his own gigs. When we return Trained Seal brags about how 26 songs by former Idol performers have reached #1 on one of the infinite number of Billboard charts. The real question and the real indicator of how much influence Idol has on the charts is how many of those #1s were not sung by Kelly Clarkson, Carrie Underwood, or Chris Daughtry. I will take the under on that wager.

Paige Miles, “Against All Odds” by Phil Collins: This is the first of two songs tonight that remind me of an ex-girlfriend. Thanks guys, I needed that pick me up. Paige shows off a ring that she stole from a tweener in the audience, which Trained Seal tries to pawn off on Captain Jack. Miley follows the company line by bragging about the power in Paige’s voice, but then breaks kayfabe by pointing out how pitchy Paige is. Paige attributes it to her nervousness. Listen, if you’re nervous singing in front of a 17 year old then there is not much hope that you’ll be comfortable singing for 20 million viewers. Sure enough, Paige is very pitchy right from the first note. She is also racing ahead of the band as if she knows how bad she is singing and wants to get it over with as soon as possible. The pitch gets a little better when she starts shouting the chorus, but then, oops, there goes that note. Oh this was not good, our first train wreck of the season, and not the type of performance someone who was in the final two last week should have. Big Sexy utters 2 yo’s and declares Paige’s performance to be “honestly…terrible” to only muted boos. Little E compliments Paige for not falling down from her high, high heels but then defers from further comment. Chicken. Hey, I can call her Chicken Little E! Horny Chick complains that Paige stopped listening to the judges, as if it is a big deal or something. Captain Jack asks Paige how she thinks she did. Usually this is a sign that Simon is going to be very negative and wants to avoid being booed. Usually the contestants who are asked this admit that it was not great but that they had fun, as if that is important or something. Neither Paige nor Captain Jack deviated from the script. Paige claimed that she had fun and Captain Jack claimed that the performance was terrible and killed her chances of winning.

During the break we learn that Olive Garden has a cooking school in Tuscany. Tuscany? Really? Is this the Tuscany in Italy or the one in Ohio?

Tim Urban, “Crazy Little Thing Called Love” by Queen: The tweeners screech when Trained Seal announces his name and now I know why he is still on the show. Miley seems to think that the negative reviews Tim has been getting are because he sings the song straight instead of changing up the arrangement like the others do. So I guess Miley has been watching the show. So of course Tim sings this song straight, though instead of standing still and looking foolish he instead runs around the stage and looks foolish. His electric slide and venture into the mosh pit excites the tweeners though. It was an average vocal but a more animated performance from Tim than usual. Big Sexy utters 1 yo and 1 K-word and then complains about how this is supposed to be a singing competition. Chicken Little E prompts screeches from the audience by claiming that they will love the performance, but she thought it was corny and right out of High School Musical. That explains the screeching. Horny Chick gets booed for claiming that Tim is acting like he is an established artist instead of the loser that she thinks he is. Sounds like someone got rejected “airmail special” to quote the late, great Chick Hearn. Captain Jack says that the slide distracted from the song as if it were a good thing, trashes the song in general, and then tells Tim that he has no chance of winning unless he starts taking singing lessons. Like I've said many times the contestants should stop listening to the Idol vocal coaches if they want to have any chance of winning.

Aaron Kelly, “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing” by Aerosmith: The string of oldies is broken by the youngest competitor. At least I still recognize the artist. During his Coca-Cola treatment we learn that Aaron has caught the laryngitis bug that Paige claimed to have last week and a bout of tonsillitis as well. Aaron is just a little bit intimidated by Miley, being that she is such a big star and everything and he sang Miley’s song “The Climb” at his initial audition. Miley makes a face when Aaron starts singing but then claims it was because she was surprised of how good he sang. It did not look like that kind of face to me. Aaron at least got a hug from his crush. Aaron starts off with a decent low register. He is no Steven Tyler but he is working this song out. Ballads are clearly his thing, especially since the tweeners love the chance to waive their arms. Big Sexy utters 2 yo’s, 2 check it outs, and while it was not perfect it was much better than the previous 2 singers. Chicken Little E thought it was the perfect song choice, blames the pitchiness on Aaron’s various illnesses, and talks about how she can see his career already even though he is still in the third grade. Horny Chick loves Aaron’s consistency, his country twang, and something else that I missed because the piano player decided to start rehearsing at that moment. Captain Jack gets booed for saying the performance was old fashioned but gets cheered for saying the obvious, that Aaron has “zero chance of going home.” Trained Seal introduces Aaron’s phone number by saying “if you want to vote for David Archuleta here.” That only confirms to me that Aaron is destined for the Top 5 no matter how bad he sings.

Crystal Bowersox, “Me and Bobby McGee” by Janis Joplin: I figured it was only a matter of time before Crystal sang a Janis Joplin song. Miley of course thinks this is the perfect song for Crystal but that she needs to be more animated. Crystal gets Miley to sign her guitar and join the other famous female artists who have added their autograph to it. Famous being a relative term. Crystal starts out quiet with only her guitar until the band jumps in at the chorus. Crystal was worried that she would not be able to hit the high notes at the end of the song but she seems to be doing alright to me. She is even a little bit animated. Nice, bluesy performance. I think I even feel a goosebump. Big Sexy utters 2 yo’s and declares Crystal to be a star. Chicken Little E thought of Crystal when she heard this song on the radio but thought she was still a little too reserved on stage. Horny Chick thinks Crystal needs to put the guitar down and just let herself go. Crystal responds by promising something big for next week. With that and Casey’s promise to reveal his pre-performance ritual if he makes the Top 10 next week should be a dosey of a show. Simon basically says that the chick judges are idiots and that Crystal should not change a thing. He then compliments Crystal for not running around and sliding on stage and declares this version to be the best one he has ever heard.

Michael Lynche, “When a Man Loves a Woman” by Percy Sledge: Idol’s resident Casanova is Miley’s favorite because he was the only one who was not afraid to touch her. Instead he gave her two big ole bear hugs. Miley was also impressed that Mike made eye contact with her while he was singing instead of looking away in fear like everybody else. Mike wants to speak to all of the lovers out there, including presumably the 17 year old Miley Cyrus, so he chooses a song that is almost three times Miley’s age. The string quartet is back along with the screeches that both accompany Michael’s torch ballad right from the start. It was the usual from Big Mike, OK vocal, strong performance. He still seems to be the only one who feels comfortable on stage. In a way it reminds me of Adam Lambert, who also had OK vocals but much better performing skills than anyone else in the competition. I bet you didn't see that reference coming. Big Sexy utters 2 yo’s, 2 check it outs, and lauds how Michael knows who he is even though it was only an OK song choice. Chicken Little E is still in love but thought it was safe like driving the speed limit. Horny Chick dares to anger the tweeners but describing Michael’s performance as boring, loungy, and over-indulgent. Horny Chick must be getting frustrated by all of these rejections. Captain Jack actually agrees with Kara for once and then suggested that it would have been better had Michael sung the song without the band. He then babbles on with some more technical stuff that was too boring to write down and then Captain Jack takes a shot at Trained Seal when he says how glad he is that he could talk to Michael without interruption for once.

Andrew Garcia, “I Heard It through the Grapevine” by Marvin Gaye: Andrew thought it was cool to be mentored by Miley, someone “at that level.” Which level he did not elaborate. Miley senses that Andrew was too intimidated being in her presence since he keeps forgetting the words, so she suggests that Andrew put the guitar down by telling him that the chicks will dig him for it. I am not sure that it helped but Andrew at least got a hug from Miley for doing it. It is an interesting arrangement that gets spoiled by Andrew’s pitchiness. Both Andrew and the band are clearly having fun with this song, which as we all know is important to these contestants but seems strangely inappropriate while singing a song about a guy who learns that his girl has been cheating on him. Decent vocal though. Big Sexy utters 1 yo and is disappointed by Andrew and his song choice. Andrew offers to kiss Big Sexy but that does not seem to help. Chicken Little E still loves Andrew but didn't think he would win over any new fans with that performance. Horny Chick feels sorry for Andrew because he seems to have lost himself and feels sick about having to bring up his performance of the Drunk Chick song again. Captain Jack gets booed for saying that Drunk Chick’s song is overrated, but then the audience gets eerily silent when the Captain rips into Andrew for destroying and sucking the life out of the song and for still not knowing what kind of artist he wants to be, except for perhaps making a living singing Drunk Chick songs. Andrew looks really upset about this and claims to Trained Seal that he does know who he is, though again he chooses not to elaborate.

Katie Stevens, “Big Girls Don’t Cry” by Fergie, not The Four Seasons: I would have thought given Katie’s preference for older songs that she would have chosen the Four Seasons song, but I guess the presence of a tormentor who is the same age as her finally inspired Katie to take Chicken Little E’s advice and go younger. Miley offers little in the way of musical advice to Katie; instead they talk about boys and how to deal with criticism. Haven’t I been saying for weeks that Katie should just stop listening to the judges? I am only trying to help. Once again Katie starts the song in her low register, though this time I can actually hear the pitchiness that Big Sexy has been hearing for weeks. When she got to the loud notes her pitch was better though not great. Maybe she was distracted by her hair that kept trying to fall into her mouth. Big Sexy utters 2 yo’s and thought it was too sharp. He did think that it was cool that Katie went young with both her song and her outfit. I think that is a little too creepy. Chicken Little E thought it was the best performance of the night, probably because of the young outfit, and called Katie the Dakota Fanning of American Idol, probably again because of the young outfit. Horny Chick starts her critique by challenging Captain Jack’s assessment that Katie is a country singer. That must have been on one of the audition shows that I missed because I do not remember hearing Simon say that. Captain Jack acts like he does not remember this comment either. Horny Chick then lauds Katie for finally feeling the song and realizing where she belongs, and oh by the way Katie has major pitch problems. Captain Jack thought it was a good performance and that meeting Miley was the best thing for Katie, but he still does not think Katie has found herself as an artist.

Casey Jones, “The Power of Love” by Huey Lewis and the News: This is the second song that reminds me of an ex-girlfriend, and of course it is performed by one of my least favorite contestants. I think he is torturing me in purpose. Casey tells Trained Seal during his Coca-Cola treatment that he will own this song, then after Miley recommends that Casey make more eye contact with the audience Casey claims he was going to do that anyway. Of course you were, Casey. Casey also tries to be funny by saying that he is a big fan of Miley’s dad Billy Ray Cyrus. No hug from Miley for this poser. The electric guitar is back again but Casey again waits until the end for the self-indulgent guitar solo. His pitch is OK but there is no power in his voice, and this after Casey claimed in his video that he chose this song because of its power. The tweeners dig it of course. Big Sexy utters 2 yo’s and declares that Casey is the greatest guitar player in the history of the show. Did he not just remind everybody that this is supposed to be a singing competition? And isn't it a little unfair to declare Casey the greatest Idol guitar player ever when the contestants were not allowed to play guitars until Season 7? Someone is not paying attention here and it is not me. It’s not Chicken Little E either after she says that this was the best performance of the night. Horny Chick thinks that Casey is on another level and in the zone, so I guess there is at least one contestant that is still taking Horny Chick’s sexting messages. Captain Jack does not want to get personal, with Casey at least, but wonders what twilight zone Horny Chick is listening to these songs in. The Captain gets booed by the audience and the other judges when he says that Casey is not current, not different, and sang like an 80’s cover band. But maybe it is because he is English. Trained Seal cannot understand why Captain Jack and Horny Chick can be hearing two different songs at the same time. One word for you Ryan: hormones.

Didi Benami, “You’re No Good” by Linda Ronstadt: Miley loves Didi’s vibrato, which must be Italian for “pitchy”. Didi and Miley talk about how to overcome nervousness on stage, so Didi chose this song to sing at her nerves because they are no good. Seriously, that is what she said. Didi starts the song way off pitch, perhaps Trained Seal’s mispronunciation of her last name made her nervous. The chorus is a little better but not by much. The sultry arrangement is interesting but a very bad fit for Didi’s flighty voice. She is trying very hard to make this work but for me it is not, though if you like her other performances you would like this one too. Big Sexy utters 1 yo but then more or less agrees with me. Ellen more or less agrees with me too. Horny Chick gets booed for accusing Didi of performing instead of singing and for being too dramatic. Captain Jack picks up on the acting theme by accusing Didi of taking Lacey’s role as the resident actress and singing the song as if it were the last act prior to the intermission. He too gets booed for his efforts. The Captain also plays the irony card and claims that it was ironic that Didi was screeching “you’re no good” over and over. Didi plays the desperate card by fighting back; claiming that she chose the song to do something different and to, you guessed it, have fun. That is the problem with this show right now, there is too many contestants having fun and not enough contestants who have musical talent.

Siobhan Magnus, “Superstition” by Stevie Wonder: Trained Seal and the band put on shades to shield their eyes from Siobhan’s 80’s style Flock of Seagulls hairdo. Molly Ringwald called and she wants her haircut back, after she voted of course. Miley likes the swagger in Siobhan’s voice, and judging from Siobhan’s reaction it was probably the first time she heard the word “swagger” used in reference to her. Siobhan also finally admits that she knows she has been different her entire life. I admire her courage to admit that while competing for the votes of tweeners in a singing competition. Other than being more melodic than usual it is a typical Siobhan performance, decent signing, lots of range, good tone, and a big scream at the end. This scream though sounded a lot more strained than the others. I could feel the goosebumps coming but the scream chased them away. Big Sexy did not utter a single yo, the only time tonight that this happened, and instead lauds Siobhan’s inspiring fearlessness. I’m not sure if he was referring to the hairdo or the scream. Chicken Little E tries to be funny by reciting a line for a 40 year old musical, quoting Oliver by asking “more please.” Horny Chick thought the scream at the end was amazing, and I too now wonder what planet she is listening to these performances from. Captain Jack again claims that some people will love it and some people will hate it and suggests that Siobhan considered screaming at the beginning of the song instead of at the end just to change things up a bit. Siobhan told Trained Seal that if she had a choice she would scream the entire song, and here I was just beginning to like her.

The Final Score: 20 shots at Captain Jack Simon; 17 shots at Trained Seal Ryan; 16 shots at Horny Chick Kara; 16 shots at Big Sexy Randy; 16 shots at Chicken Little E Ellen; 4 shots at Ricky Minor and the band, 12 shots at the audience, 1 shot at the Idol vocal coaches, and 13 shots at Miley Cyrus the tormentor. There were 6 references to former Idol contestants, 1 reference to Kelly Clarkson, 1 reference to Chris Daughtry, 10 references to other non-Idol performers (not counting the tormentor), and 3 references to Drunk Chick Paula. 2 Coca-Cola treatments, no iTunes plugs (Steve Jobs must no longer be watching), 1 name drop (almost missed Chicken Little E's dropping of Dakota Fanning), 2 K-word utterances, 17 yo’s from Big Sexy, 10 old-fashioned songs (11 if you count the new song by the old-fashioned artist, yeah I’m referring to you Aerosmith), 2 songs with sad associations for yours truly, 2 kayfabe breaks, 1 kayfabe maintained, 1 struggled metaphor, 1 train wreck, 1 restaurant challenge, 1 reference to High School Musical, 1 reference to Casanova, and another lonely goosebump.

Your 3 Stars of the Night: Crystal Bowersox once again gets the top star for being again the only singer to inspire a goosebump. Aaron Kelly is still far from the best singer in the competition but he has clearly found his niche with the ballads that the tweeners love and his voice can actually sing. I was one scream away from awarding the third star to Siobhan Magnus but that scream scared me into the big arms of big Michael Lynche, who gets the third star instead.

Idol Gives Back: I was not surprised to see Lacey, Paige, and Tim in the relegation zone but I was surprised that Lacey was the one sent home. But because I have not seen most of Tim’s performances I had not noticed until tonight how much the tweener girls screech when they hear his name. After hearing that I am not so surprised to see him still here. I still think Tim has no chance of winning but I suspect he will be on the show for a few more weeks than I had first thought he would be.

The Fearless Prediction: Do I dare tempt fate and predict that Didi will be sent home? No, I’m not going that far, but I would guess that she is relegation zone material. I am going to give Tim a break and not predict that he will be relegated and instead try Andrew again because the screeches for him were less than the ones for Tim. However, all of contestants had to feel like they were playing with house money after Paige butchered the Phil Collins song just a week after being in the bottom 2. If a decent performance last week could not get her out of the relegation zone then I cannot see how an indecent performance this week will keep her from being sent home and off the summer tour, not that it is a big deal or anything.

It's now 2:15 AM, which means I beat my deadline by 15 minutes. Not that this will make tomorrow any easier....