Sudden Death, for the First Time Ever

No, I didn’t forget about last week. I had some other cases to adjudicate so I took the week off. Thanks to the magic of modern video technology I was able to view the Hollywood Week chick shows and see who got booted off, who got kept on, and why I hate Group Night so much.

For the “first time ever”, we get a Sudden Death round where the contestants sang in front of a live audience. In his rush to hyper promote the show Trained Seal appeared to forget that all of the performance shows are sudden death rounds in front of a live audience. Tonight’s show was at one of the five billion Cirque du Soleil theaters in Vegas, but unlike last year we probably won’t see one of the judges jump into a pool of water like Jagger Lite did last year.

Trained Seal also told us that these are the “most brutal cuts of the year.” Everybody take their first drink. When Ryan did his usual mindless banter with the judges to start the show he tried to get Glitter Girl to say whether or not she was satisfied with the Top 40. Mariah instead babbled about how she felt attached to certain people who didn’t get through because the other judges didn’t vote for them.

Since the performances were in front of a live studio audience and because Andy Capp was in the house, I’m going to recap this show like a live show. Besides, I could use the practice. I’m a little rusty after taking the last couple years off.

First up was Jenny Beth Willis, a high school junior from Kentucky. I don’t remember her from the auditions and she struggled with finding her pitch. Two words immediately come to mind, “cannon fodder.” She sang some country song that nobody bothered to identify so I won’t bother to either. She enunciated her words well and had a big note at the end, but it didn’t quite work for me. It didn’t quite work for the judges either. Mr. Kidman had mixed feelings, Jaws thought it was dead until the big note, and Sole Survivor thought it was jerky and got booed. Randy should be used to that by now. Glitter Girl thought it was good though.

Next up was Tenna Torres, the chick from Queens who went to Glitter Girl’s summer camp. She sang well in the low register and showed a nice range. Apparently she learned something that summer. It was a good performance that would have been very good if her hand movements weren’t so distracting. Mr. Kidman name dropped somebody. Jaws was scared of her. Sole Survivor dropped his first YO of the season, at least the first one that I caught. The YO count is ON! On a related note, we learned that Randy’s Twitter handle is @Yo_RandyJackson. That’s what I would have guessed. Trained Seal got Tenna to admit that she told her boyfriend to stay away so that she could feel the sadness of the song.

The third contestant was 17 year old Adriana Lotonio from Alaska. Apparently she is the first contestant from Alaska to make it this far. She’s not the first Pinay though, which Jaws felt the need to point out after the performance. I don’t remember her from the auditions either, but she had a nice voice, a big smile, and a built in fan base so she’s bound to go far. Sole Survivor gave her 3 YOs. Glitter Girl instructed us that she sang an Aretha song. Since Adriana is only 5 feet tall Trained Seal was happy to have a contestant that he could look into the eyes of.

Between performances Trained Seal pimped a new AT&T contest where you, yes you, can win 2 free tickets to an Idol taping and sit in special seats, maybe even next to Andy Capp. Unlike past AT&T Idol contests no one has to write a crappy song to win.

Brandy Hotard promised sass but then sang a bland ballad just like all the other contestants. The only thing I remember about her was that she was from Port Allen, Louisiana, a town that I have actually been to. Not only was her ballad bland but it was pitchy too. She has nice legs though. Indeed 9 out of the 10 singers wore short skirts or dresses tonight, no doubt encouraged by Nigel and the other producers who are so desperate to have a chick winner that they will resort to exposing lots of skin to get the dudes at home to start voting again. It won’t help Brandy though. Mr. Kidman delicately pointed out her “emotional connection inconsistency” because she looked happy when she sang a sad song. Jaws felt the same but was more direct, criticizing her “pageant delivery.” Both Nicki and Trained Seal were concerned that Mr. Kidman was in Jaws’ mind.

Shubha Vedula won $35,000 for her school in some singing contest, but because she competed as an amateur she wasn’t allowed to keep any of her earnings. I only remember her from the auditions because of her musical name. Her performance was mildly entertaining only because part of it was not a ballad. She sang a Lady Gaga number so I wondered if Jaws would be extra colorful in her critique and I was not disappointed. Nicki prodded the audience to boo her as well as any pro wrestling heel would, and then told Shubha that she sounded like a cross between Christina Aguilera and “that gangnam style guy.” Mr. Kidman was just as critical but skillfully worked the crowd by saying that she was confusing (boo) but still had a lovely voice (yeah). Both Sole Survivor and Glitter Girl tried to apologize for Shubha by saying that she’s just 17. Well, Adriana is just 17 and she didn’t need to be apologized for. Randy dropped a YO just for good measure.

Kamaira Ousley showed all the sass that Brandy promised and not much else. Like Brandy I only remember her because she is from a city that I’ve been to, Oakland. She spent the whole song searching for the pitch, and then just settled for a big note at the end. Mr. Kidman tried to excuse it by claiming that her song choice was the problem. I’m surprised no one tried to claim that she was sick. Jaws discovered that she didn’t like Kamaira’s voice, while Sole Survivor re-discovered another of his favorite words besides YO, “pitchy.” Glitter Girl chose not to talk about the pitchiness because she knew that Randy would.

Next was Kree Harrison, the chick whose parents died when she was a kid. She was the only chick who wore clothes that covered up her thighs but that didn’t seem to affect Nicki’s opinion of her. Indeed, Jaws declared that she thought Kree was “sexy”. Kree revealed that she has worked in the country music “industry” in Nashville, raising the antennas of all those plant watchers out there. Kree sang like a plant with a nice voice, though it didn’t blend well with the backup singers. The other judges all thought that Kree was a natural and heaped nothing but praise on her, even though Trained Seal beforehand warned Kree that the judges were being tough on the country singers.

Trained Seal reminded us that both Carrie Underwood and Kelly Clarkson were once contestants on the show, perhaps to take credit for their Grammy awards, or perhaps to remind everyone that chicks used to win this contest.

Angela Miller was the chick who knocked it out of the park with her original song during Hollywood Week, which three of the judges beat over all our heads when critiquing her performance tonight. The only one who didn’t was Mr. Kidman, who ran out of time to say that. This performance was admittedly not as good as her last one. That’s what happens when you peak too soon on this show. Angela kind of looks like former Idol tor-mentor Miley Cyrus before she started posing for Cosmo (on stands now).

Isabelle Pasqualone, who goes by her stage name Isabelle, was the chick who lost all that weight. She along with Kree were the two audition show sob stories to appear tonight. She sang “God Bless the Child”, the only song tonight that I own a copy of, but I can’t say that I recognized it because of the cruise show arrangement that Isabelle decided to use. Randy agreed with my cruise show analogy. Yes, it does happen sometimes. The other three judges chose instead to complement Isabelle for losing the weight.

Tonight’s closer was Amber Holcomb, who was cut during last year’s Vegas shows. She returned this year with a more extraverted look (including perhaps the shortest of the short skirts) and a more extroverted sound to match. It was pitchy in some spots, strong in some others. Mr. Kidman thought it was the best performance of the night. Jaws admired her “legs for days.” Sole Survivor dropped one final YO. Glitter Girl finally said something interesting. She wanted to smack Amber because of how well she sang the song.

Instead of a chair show we get 2 chair segments at the end, as each contestant walked out one at a time to hear their fate from the judges sitting in director’s chairs. The cold stools made their first appearance of the season, only this time they were reserved for the top 5 instead of the bottom 3. No tie breakers were needed so Andy Capp got the rest of the night off. Sole Survivor told one contestant that the judges had some “tense words” during their deliberations. I admire how these guys keep trying to suggest that the judges are at war with each other. Glitter Girl sarcastically told Kree Harrison that she didn’t like her as a singer and actually got some boos. She was just kidding guys. Nigel has got you all trained even more than he does Ryan.

Things Were Learned Tonight: The judges are having some tense words during their deliberations. Sole Survivor has a Twitter handle with YO in the title. Mr. Kidman can read Nicki’s mind, needs more time for adjectives, and has figured out how to keep the audience from booing him by mixing in praises with his criticisms. Glitter Girl can recognize an Aretha song and knows what Randy will say before he says it even though she can’t interpret his critiques. Trained Seal thinks the judges are tough on country singers, likes contestants that are only 5 feet tall, and forgot that the live elimination shows are before a live studio audience. Andy Capp is still part of the Idol cast. The audience is so anxious to boo any criticism that they’ll even boo ones that are a joke. Jaws isn’t afraid to have the audience boo her.

Your Three Stars of the Night: Adriana Lotonio introduced herself to her Filipino fan base in a big way. Tenna Torres sang well while swatting away invisible flies. Kree Harrison sang well enough to earn praise even though she was wearing pants.

The Final Score (Vegas edition): 9 short skirts, 9 ballads, 6 YOs from Sole Survivor, 2 mentions of former Idol winners, 1 mention of a former Idol judge, 1 mention of a former Idol tormentor, 2 Nigel Lythgoe mentions, 1 mention of the “gangnam style guy”, 2 name drops by Jaws and 1 by Mr. Kidman, and 4 chairs & 5 stools during 2 chair segments. Jenny, Brandy, Isabelle, Kamaira, and Shubha were all sent home. Tenna, Kree, Angela, Amber, and Adriana all moved on to the live shows, starting sometime after Easter.

The Kiss of Death in this Competition is to Doubt Yourself

According to Google's stats only 4 people viewed yesterday's post, so far anyway. I must have scared people off by threatening to take this week off.... Yeah, right.

So it's Solo Day for the dudes, the "most important moment of their lives" if Trained Seal is to be believed for the umpteenth million time. Not a day goes by on this show without Ryan claiming it's the most important day/moment/performance/nanosecond of the contestants' lives. You know, this would make for a cool Idol drinking game. Everyone takes a shot whenever Trained Seal says it's the most important whatever in the contestants' lives. Everyone would be so blitzed by the end of the show that they wouldn't be able to vote.

Once again we have another change to the format, as instead of locking the contestants in windowless and chairless conference rooms after their performances the judges announced the contestants' fate right away on the stage. I kind of miss the rooms though, since it was fun to see how the producers would try to mess with the heads of the contestants and the audience by trying to guess who was going home by who was in each room. It was also a challenge to try and guess which judge would bail out of the room tour for some imaginary gig that night.

I hope this doesn't mean that there won't be a chair show...

Last night I joked that the Hollywood shows were being staged in some nondescript theater in the Valley somewhere instead of in Hollywood. Turns out I was right! Hollywood Week was held in a nondescript theater in the Valley, this one. Technically this doesn't count as a Fearless Prediction but I'll take the win anyway. I get the feeling that I'll need it once the live shows start and the texting tweener chicks take over the show.

Jaws was in good form tonight. She first ripped into a guy who sang great but sounded "so defeated" when he talked about how nervous he was before he started to sing. He was still put through. Later she complained that she didn't get a chance to tell the short guy yesterday to stop using his short stature to get sympathy votes from the judges, which drew out eye rolls from both Glitter Girl and Sole Survivor. Funny thing is that Nicki was spot on with that comment. Jaws got really angry with Papa Peachez, who she singlehandedly pushed through to this round even though Papa thought that all the other contestants were puppets. After another lackadaisical performance from Papa Nicki wasn't just disappointed but f***ing disappointed and declared that Papa's flame was dead. Oh the irony. Papa was sent packing after that. Then later when the shy kid sang Jaws declared that she was obsessed with the kid and wanted to eat him. Is this some new thing among the kidz today, to say that they want to eat somebody when they like that person?

Nicki wasn't alone in the criticism though, as the harshest criticism of the night came not from Jaws but from Mr. Kidman, who ripped into a dude who claimed he was chasing his dream. Keith straight up told him that the answer to why someone would go out on the road and rehearse and do all the other things that someone who doesn't look hot needs to do to be a successful singing superstar should never be "chasing a dream." I didn't quite get what Mr. Kidman was going for with that comment but the contestant sure did take it hard. The dude stormed off the set in tears and then after getting cut from the show soon thereafter stormed out of the theater in even more tears.

I am pleased to see that the judges are not holding back on the mean criticism as much as Jagger Lite and J-Lo did. It makes it more fun for me. The real test though will be whether or not they'll be able to make harsh comments while being loudly booed and hissed at by the live audience that goes after anyone, even Trained Seal, who dares utter a word that is even remotely negative or critical.

Finally there was one dude who claimed that the highlight of his Idol experience was getting a standing ovation from Sole Survivor. He must have been really honored then to hear Randy say "no, no, no" at the start of his performance (when he was trying to actually sing the song), then "yes, yes, yes" when he gave up the singing and just belted out some big notes. He was put through to the next round along with the Turbinator and 26 other dudes.

Things We Learned Tonight: Mr. Kidman wants to hear something special, has never had so many questions in his life, and can bring a man to tears with just a comment. Jaws is turned off by dudes that are nervous, has a nasty potty mouth, is no fan of pity parties, and now has two contestants that she wants to eat. And there is at least one guy who respects Sole Survivor. Glitter Girl has been playing things really close to the vest during the Hollywood shows. We'll see how long that lasts when the chicks try to sing one of her songs or when Jaws claims she is being disrespected again.

Sob Stories of the Night: Again, nothing new. Tonsillectomy guy and the short dude who isn't a midget were sent home, but the stutterer and the shy kid (who's suddenly not all that shy) were both put through. I guess we'll find out later about the others. There was still no sign of the guy who faked the IED impotence story at his audition.

The Final Score: 15 more cuts, leaving 28 dudes still on the show and 8 that'll get cut after the chicks' performances. Read into that what you will conspiracy theorists. 2 mentions of former Idol judges, 1 disappearing sob story, 4 dudes who got the chastising of their lives on the most important moment in their lives, 1 preseason victory for yours truly, and no performances with guitars. There's another thing for you conspiracy minded folks to consider. Me, I'm going to bed.

You Better Sing Like Your Life Depends On It

With all the drama, dread, and intensity that Trained Seal could muster in his 60 second intro, we begin Hollywood Week and the "pursuit of the most sought after title in television history."  Though apparently the title of "Your Next American Idol" is not as prestigious as it used to be, as Hollywood Week this year was not at the Nokia Theater or the Pantages Theater or the Theater Formally Known as Kodak Theater where almost all of the past Hollywood week boot camps have been held. Instead it was in some nondescript church theater in the Valley somewhere. It looks about the size as the theater that my high school senior musical was performed in. Oh how the mighty have fallen. So instead of at the judge's mansion will this year's chair show be in the judge's garage?

Although... I'd be willing to bet that Glitter Girl's garage is much nicer than Sole Survivor's mansion.

This year along with the new judges there was a host of new changes to Hollywood Week, as announced by our favorite producer Nigel Lythgoe. First is that Nigel has made two on camera appearances in as many weeks when before he only emerged from the shadows on that goofy dance show that takes Idol's time slot in the summer. Another change is that the dudes and the chicks will have separate Hollywood Weeks through at least the top 40 and maybe (rumor has it) all the way to the live shows. Yes, I know what you're thinking; the producers are really desperate to have a chick win this year, and it means that there will be two "notorious" Group Nights instead of just one.

Nigel and company even changed Group Night by picking the groups rather than allowing the contestants to build up the drama by picking their groups themselves. So naturally the producers tried to manufacture drama by pairing up the gay guys with the country guys, putting all of the kids into one group, and sprinkling out all of the sob stories so we could hear about them all over again. One such group involved a guy who was in drag and an Army sergeant, who was so thrown off that he messed up his lines and was sent home.

The sergeant was only one of the few contestants though who forgot his lines and was dismissed. Most of the others advanced to the next round despite (or in a few cases because of) their humming. Do any of you remember that back when Captain Jack was in charge everyone who forgot their lyrics was summarily dismissed?

Among those who hummed along but stayed on the show was the guy from New York with the turban and his group, who so butchered a Maroon 5 song that Mr. Kidman thought Adam Levine was turning over in his grave even though he was still alive. Then when Sole Survivor declared the whole thing to be a train wreck who should jump in but little Miss Minaj, who couldn't believe Randy was saying all of these mean things about her "favorite group." She was convinced that they could all be stars because they still worked the crowd (all 50 of them) when they forgot their lyrics, "just like I do." I've never seen Jaws perform live so I'll have to trust the fact that she can still work the crowd when she forgets the lyrics to her own songs.

Earlier in the show there was a little manufactured chick tension when Jaws interrupted one of Glitter Girl's critiques to make sure that the contestant knew just how disgusted she (Jaws) was by the way this dude sang a Whitney song. He got put through anyway. Jaws almost gave another contestant a heart attack by telling him he was done and then telling him he was through, all because he had told her that he was tired.

Seriously, the press and Trained Seal love to play up a feud between Jaws and Glitter Girl, but really Nicki's arguments have been with Sole Survivor more so than anyone else including Mariah. Perhaps Nigel thinks they can sell more Cokes and Fords if they can get Nicki to fight with Mariah rather than with Randy.

Things We Learned Tonight: Not much really. A contestant can forget his lyrics and still move on to the next round. Mr. Kidman heard "I'll Be There" while growing up in Australia even though 1 group who tried to sing it hadn't heard the song before. Keith also is in favor of "more mass slaughtering" and thinks "wrongest" is a word, that is after he checked with Jaws first. Jaws can also see greatness in dudes who forget their lyrics and likes to jack around with guys who are tired. Sole Survivor still gets no respect.

Sob Stories of the Night: No new ones to report. Those that were put through include the guy with nerve damage from his tonsillectomy, the stutterer from Chicago, the shy kid from Baton Rouge that Glitter Girl could relate to, and the short guy from Long Beach who is not a dwarf. Those who were sent packing included the guy whose wife had cancer, the guy whose parents are deaf, and the kid with cystic fibrosis. No word on what happened to former homeless guy from Charlotte. I think the guy who lost his home to Hurricane Katrina made it through, but I didn't bother to cross check any names. The dude who claimed he was injured in Iraq from an IED and was impotent from the post-op drugs was nowhere to be found, perhaps because it was discovered later that he made up the whole story. Really, what some people will do to win the most sought after prize in television history.

The Final Score (Hollywood Week Version): 43 Group Night survivors; 1 mention of a former Idol judge; 1 mention of a judge from The Voice; Honduras 2, USA 1; Mexico 0, Jamaica 0 (take your pick on which one is more shocking); another argument between Jaws and Sole Survivor; another Nigel Lythgoe sighting, and lots and lots of manufactured drama. It was Group Night after all.

And here I thought I would have nothing to write...

When You Want a Diva Baby You Gotta Pay the Price

Google is claiming that this little web site has had over 10,000 page views in its entire history. A few of them were even real people instead of just bots. At least they seem like real people. It's not like I'm Manti Te'o or anything. That poor kid is going to be known for his fake girlfriend for the rest of his life.

OK, back to business, today's case is A Tale of Two Cities, San Antonio, Texas and Long Beach, California, whose auditions were featured on Wednesday night. Somehow Trained Seal managed to avoid name dropping Kelly Clarkson like he has every other time there has been a Texas audition. He made up for it by making a bunch of boat jokes during the Long Beach audition on board the Queen Mary.

The first contestant in San Antonio was a returning contestant who was cut at the end of Hollywood week last year but who Sole Survivor didn't remember until the contestant made a joke about how long Randy was sipping from his glass of Coke when deciding on his fate. Sole Survivor then pretended to remember and then enlightened us by claiming that "Coca Colas are good." When it comes to plugging the product Sole Survivor is a true pro, almost but not quite as good as Trained Seal, who was shown pulling up to the auditions in a white Ford vehicle.

Apparently Sole Survivor also forgot that one of last year's auditions was on an aircraft carrier, as while the fire alarm was going off on the Queen Mary Randy questioned whose idea it was to have the auditions on a boat. The fire alarm did lead to a rare Nigel Lythgoe sighting, as his back was seen telling Glitter Girl that she had to evacuate the room along with everybody else.

Both chicks were fashionably late to the Queen Mary auditions. Jaws was allegedly at the rehearsals for the AMAs, while Glitter Girl was stuck in traffic. Mariah arrived claiming that this kind of traffic doesn't happen in Manhattan. Perhaps she was referring to Manhattan, Kansas rather than NYC. I too get the them confused. Rather than being apologetic for stranding the dudes by themselves for a while Glitter Girl told them that "when you want a diva baby you gotta pay the price." Amen, darling, too bad Jaws wasn't there to demand that she get paid more than you.

The producers have cut back on showing the psychos during these auditions compared to previous seasons, but we had two nice and juicy ones tonight. Well, 3 actually. In San Antonio there were two brothers who were lousy but couldn't accept that truth when the judges told them no. Glitter Girl tried to make a technical argument about their singing but gave up after the dudes kept saying how mean she was being. Meanwhile Sole Survivor was trying to argue that the judges were trying to save these guys' lives by telling them no. In Long Beach there was a 16 year old girl with blue hair who acted all innocent until the start of her audition when she started screaming, jumping around the stage, and eventually running out the door shouting "you only live once." Her parents must have been proud. I wonder what this girl will think 20 years from now when she tells her blue haired children about her time on American Idol. The judges made jokes at this girl's expense after she left. Mr. Kidman got a shot in on Jaws since she was not there, saying "Nicki would have sent her to Hollywood."

Jaws did in fact beg and plead to put through Papa Peachez (yes that is his name), a quirky and lanky white boy who claimed he had a black woman trapped inside of him. Mr. Kidman said no, Glitter Girl gave a little yes (so much for the feud between the chicks), and Sole Survivor was initially a no but changed his mind after Jaws argued with him for 5 minutes.

This week's Sole Survivor field trip (sponsored by Ford I assume) was to the University of Arkansas to give a audition bib to a student there who was nominated online by her husband. The ceremony was in the university's football stadium with the stands only half full, which is unusual for an SEC school. Idol may still be popular in the South but it's still a distant second to football. The student got a Hollywood ticket even though it meant she and her husband would be separated for some time.

Mr. Kidman kept up his name dropping over/under by mentioning both Gavin DeGraw and Wynonna Judd. Hey, I heard that Ashley Judd is available again now that she's broken up with that "loser" Dario Franchetti. If you're reading this Ashley you know where to find me. I don't drive a fast car and I hate Kentucky basketball, but I'm sure we can still work something out.

Things We Learned Tonight: The age limit was raised from 27 to 29, given 2 more chances to rejects from past seasons. Jaws is a closet romantic and can be made speechless. Glitter Girl had nerve damage in her arm, has a little bit of soul in her, and digs Arkansas accents. The two chicks can actually sit next to each other and play nice. Mr. Kidman likes the "nickiname" "Urban". Sole Survivor is the captain of his ship, can get indigestion from hearing people sing, and thinks "Coca-Colas are good." Trained Seal found joy in the music sung on the streets of San Antonio and can see fake dead people.

Tonight's Sob Stories: From San Antonio, a single mom who was unemployed and had her baby at age 19. From Long Beach came two tales from veterans with sad stories about the medical profession. One was a Iraq War veteran who suffered a severe concussion from a IED attack and was told by his doctors that the drugs he needed to take for that would make him sterile, that is until his daughter was born. Another was a sailor who had a speech impediment because his doctor damaged nerves while removing the guy's tonsils. The impediment magically disappeared when he started singing though.

Long Beach also produced two stories of bullying, a 16 year old female student who was bullied in school after she sang on Maury Povich's show 4 years ago, and a 21 year old guy who was not quite a midget but still short and disproportionate. All 5 were sent to Hollywood. Sole Survivor also promised to come to the 16 year old's school and "regulate" her bullies.

The Final Score (audition edition): 49 tickets to Hollywood from Long Beach (Trained Seal didn't bother to say how many from San Antonio); 5 sob stories; 3 psychos; Sharks 3, Oilers 2 (correction from last night); 2 name drops from Mr. Kidman; 1 mention of a former Idol winner; 1 excerpt from a Glitter Girl song ("Make It Happen"); 1 shot across the bow from Mr. Kidman about Jaws, 0 cat fights between the chicks; 2 late divas; 1 Nigel Lythgoe sighting; 1 mention of a race car driver and his now ex-wife; 1 mention of a football player and his now fake girlfriend; 1 reference to a Dickens novel; and some more stupid skits forced on us by Trained Seal and the Idol producers.

Next week is Hollywood Week, which I traditionally take off since it's mostly about the contestants and less about the judges, and I feel more comfortable making fun of the judges than I do the contestants. Plus I hate Group Night and hope that my silence will convince Nigel and the other producers to stop doing that. Yeah right. If I see something interesting I'll post it here. If not then I'll be back for the infamous chair show and the live shows when the full recaps begin and my full nights of sleep end. Goodnight all!

Are You Laughing At Me?

No, I didn't forget about last night. I was busy with another engagement. No worries though, I have it on the DVR so I'll watch Wednesday's show tomorrow and then decide if I want to post anything on it or skip it and wait until Hollywood Week.

Tonight's episode began at 5:18 AM in Oklahoma City, where 9,000 auditioners showed up to chase their cowboy hats in the wind and sing Broadway show tunes. Trained Seal promised us that things will never be the same in OKC now that Idol has come to town. The same thing was said about the plague. Ryan also claimed that Oklahoma City was "the epicenter of all things down home and wholesome," which must have come as a shock to viewers in Omaha and David Cook's hometown of Kansas City.

Naturally since we're in Oklahoma Trained Seal had to name drop OK native Carrie Underwood, "the greatest Idol ever" according to Sole Survivor. He oughta know. Mr. Kidman also name dropped OK natives Vince Gill, Garth Brooks, and some other guy. Keith is quickly surpassing Sole Survivor as Idol's prime name dropper. I'm surprised he didn't mention Mickey Mantle.

The first auditioner is a dude from Joplin, MO who was recruited by the now infamous Idol small town bus tour. He was a goofy kid that I didn't think had a chance to move on, but then again he was a WGWG who could sort of sing and sort of dance like James Brown. Ladies and gentlemen, your next American Idol.

Another auditioner was a chick who was a ventriloquist. A good one at that since her lips didn't move. She did a duet with the dummy (insert your favorite judge here) that confused everyone since she was actually a good singer. The dummy, not so much. So rather than real critique the judges instead made jokes about the dummy. Glitter Girl wondered if the dummy will open for this girl while Mr. Kidman sincerely told the chick that the dummy was holding her back. The judges gave her a ticket to Hollywood on the condition that the dummy stayed home, so of course the producers set up a dumb skit about it and got Trained Seal involved by agreeing to adopt the puppet.

The surprise of the night was provided by some psycho chick who sang the National Anthem because Obama won the election. When she sang some high note Mr. Kidman fell out of his chair and Sole Survivor declared "set yourself free Oklahoma." Salute when you say that soldier! The camera also caught Glitter Girl mouthing the words as this chick was belting out the anthem in a very unique arrangement. The surprise of the night came at the end when she was given 4 yeses and a ticket to Hollywood. Every year it seems that the judges put through at least one psycho just for fun, at least since Captain Jack left the show.

Speaking of Mr. Cowell, one of the last contestants was a woman who claimed she was told by God to audition for American Idol instead of The X Factor. This of course meant another cheap skit by the producers at the chick's expense. As is his tendency, Sole Survivor laughed throughout the entire audition, which annoyed the contestant not to mention the viewers at home. She seemed more upset at Jaws though, claiming as she stormed out that Nicki was a devil worshiper. That would explain a lot...

The audition shows ended by a guest appearance by Jagger Lite, who walked into the audition studio in drag (the dude looked like a lady, get it?) and exchanged mindless banter with Sole Survivor while the other judges seemed more annoyed than amused. I was just annoyed. I would have rather seen Drunk Chick.

Things We Learned Tonight: Jaws likes Oklahoma accents, is a southern belle sometimes, and rumor has it might worship the devil. Stevie Wonder is Glitter Girl's favorite artist. She also knows the words to the National Anthem and that Elvis had a guitar. Trained Seal learned how to say "superstar" in sign language and can use a break from all that emotion. Everybody is confused by a ventriloquist. Most important of all, I learned that Idol is much more fun to watch while drinking a full bottle of wine.

Tonight's Sob Stories: A guy whose parents are both deaf and have never heard him sing, and a 14 year old boy with cystic fibrosis. Both are going to Hollywood. Even though the kid with CF was really pitchy there was no doubt he was going to Hollywood.

The Final Score (audition edition): 44 tickets to Hollywood; 2 mentions of former Idol winners; 1 guest appearance by a former Idol judge; 2 mentions of other former judges plus their "other" show; 1 mention of a baseball Hall of Famer; 3 name drops by Mr. Kidman; Sharks 2, Oilers 2; 1 White Guy With Guitar; 1 excerpt from a Glitter Girl song ("Emotion"); 2 shots of people chasing cowboy hats blown away by the wind; and 1 shout out to Omaha, Nebraska. I've actually been to Omaha, it's a nice place with really good steaks.

Everything is Beginning to Suck

Finally after 12 seasons Idol has come to Sole Survivor's hometown of Baton Rouge, Louisiana. Should it mean anything that this is the first time there have been auditions in Randy's hometown but there have been upteen million auditions in Trained Seal's hometown of Atlanta? How bout the fact that in their first season as judges Idol had auditions in NYC, hometown of both Jaws and Glitter Girl? Yes I know that New York and Atlanta are much larger cities than Baton Rouge, but that doesn't quite work with my narrative...

There were no cat fights tonight, funny in that these auditions were 3 days after the auditions in Charlotte where the chicks allegedly went after each other. The only reference was at the very, very end of the show when Mr. Kidman called Nicki "Mariah" and then said he needed to do some Hail Marys for forgiveness. I'm starting to get the feeling that we are being played...

Some of the more interesting contestants included a firefighter that Jaws hit on and thought would make a great country star (see my last post for background on that comment), and a physician. Yes, a real doctor with a real residency. We haven't seen too many of those try out for this show, let alone get a ticket to Hollywood.

Sole Survivor made a field visit to Cafe du Monde in New Orleans to invite a street singer to audition after she was recommended by her grandma. At least I thought she was a street singer until I saw the graphic identifying her as a student from Virginia. She got a Hollywood ticket even though she wasn't quite what she seemed and that she claimed former Idol contestant Haley Reinhart as an influence.

By the way, I love the beignets at Cafe du Monde. If you've never had Cafe du Monde beignets make sure you put that on your bucket list. You'll thank me later.

The producers thankfully decided not to stage any stupid skit playing off on the stereotypes about people from Louisiana, perhaps out of respect for Sole Survivor. Instead we got a parade of psychos who were upset at being rejected, though none of them really stood out compared to past seasons. We haven't really seen as many psychos this season. I don't know if that is because fewer psychos auditioned this year or if someone figured out that psychos don't sell many Fords or Cokes.

Things We Learned Tonight: Glitter Girl was a beauty school dropout and could identify with the shy kid who uses music as "escapism". Jaws has special powers whenever she has a towel over her head and was blessed by running her fingers through the hair of one of the contestants who she nicknamed "Mushroom". Mr. Kidman's astrological sign is Confused. And of course that Sole Survivor was born in Baton Rouge.

Tonight's Sob Stories: A woman who auditioned three days after being in a car accident and was scheduled for surgery right after her audition (the surgery went well we're told); a guy whose grandpa, who was a sergeant in the Army, had just died; a kid who was so shy that his parents thought he was autistic; and a guy whose family lost their home in New Orleans due to Hurricane Katrina. All four were put through to Hollywood. So far the 12 out of the 13 sob stories featured have been put through.

The Final Score (audition edition): 34 tickets to Hollywood; 1 reference to a former Idol contestant, 1/2 a reference to the alleged feud between the chicks; Sharks 5, Coyotes 3;  1 name drop when Mr. Kidman compared the shy kid to David Bowie; 1 contestant (the afore mentioned shy kid) who Sole Survivor thought was "seemingly dark, strange, but cool guy;" and no stupid skit featuring Trained Seal.

Next week the audition shows are from Texas and the Queen Mary in California. No doubt Kelly Clarkson will be name dropped during the Texas show and there'll be stupid skits involving boats during the California show.

Please Don't Fight, It Makes Us Sad

According to Blogger's stats 63 people visited my site last week. So perhaps someone has noticed that I've revived this blog, though there does seem to be an awful lot of visitors from Russia....

I read today that Vote for the Worst.com, home to Idol commentators even more smarmy than me, will be shutting down after this season. They should have done what I did and taken the entire J-Lo/Tyler era off to rejuvenate. I'll be sad to see them go since I won't have anybody to point out all the juicy stuff that I missed.

Tonight's auditions are at the Charlotte Motor Speedway in North Carolina, so naturally there were lots of goofy references from Trained Seal about racing. The show opened in fact with Ryan "racing" around the track in some fake race with some fake announcers calling the "action". Trained Seal was naturally driving a Ford; I'm surprised the producers didn't show him drinking a Coke and listening to his iPod while he was driving.

This was the audition where allegedly Nicki threatened to shoot Mariah, who then went on Barbara Walters' show to say that she felt like her life was being threatened and wasn't sure she wanted to continue to be on the show with the other chick. The producers went to great links to build up to the Big Moment by showing lots of clips from TMZ and other shows, but when the moment came it was, well, not so big after all. There was this singer, you see, a blonde hair blued eyed chick who claimed that she did (note the past tense) "the country thing" but wanted to sing more soul music. That got country guy Mr. Kidman a bit miffed and prompted both Glitter Girl and Sole Survivor to try and fit this chick back into the country box. Nicki bitched about this, which then prompted Randy to tout his "30 years in the business" as justification for what he was saying. Nicki apparently took this as an insult since she doesn't have 30 years in the biz and stormed off the set, shutting down the show for the rest of the day. And...and? That was it. No death threats, no screaming, nothing that we were led to believe by Trained Seal that we would see. The next day the judges were all hunky dory, especially after the first contestant that morning told the judges "please don't fight, it makes us sad."

By the way, the soul country chick who prompted this argument got a ticket to Hollywood, as did the girl who was sad that the judges were fighting.

Let's see, what else is there to mention...

Season 10 winner Scotty McCreery was in the house to relate to the peasants who hope to emulate him by winning the competition and then only appearing on future Idol shows and the occasional Branson gig. I did read though that he'll be at the Grand Ole Opry in Nashville next Saturday night with Roy Clark. Get you tickets now!

Chris Daughtry was named dropped again, this time in reference to his supposedly infamous mentoring stint in Season 5 with Andrea Bocelli and then uber-producer David Foster when Daughtry sang while lying on the floor. One of the contestants tonight auditioned while lying on the floor, apparently unaware of what Daughtry did. He got a no. Since Daughtry is from North Carolina I'm surprised that he wasn't at the audition too.

Sole Survivor made another field trip, this time in a (rented) school bus to a nearby high school to pick up student Isabelle Gonzalez, who was nominated online by her aunt. The aunt claimed that her niece would never think of auditioning for Idol, so naturally after she got 4 yeses little Isabelle claimed that she had always dreamed about this moment.

Mr. Kidman lived up to his nickname by leaving early again, this time to fly to New York to escort his wife who was picking up an award. Despite the fact that Sole Survivor was all alone with the two chicks one day after all hell supposedly broke loose there was no trouble, no trouble at all.

No psychos or egos tonight but there were a larger than usual dose of freaks and geeks paraded before us by the producers. One of the geeks though could actually sing and got a Hollywood ticket. You should have seen the looks of surprise on all the judges' faces.

Like last week there was another former contestant from last season who reappeared. While the producers showed footage of her being cut in Vegas by Jagger Lite, apparently Sole Survivor forgot all about her. He thought the audition was the best of the season so far and agreed with Nicki that there would be something wrong if she didn't make it to the last round. Yes, even though he was one of those who cut this same contestant last season before the live shows.

Nicki was also impressed by this contestant, saying to her, and I quote, "I want to skin you and eat you." So I've been thinking of a new nickname for the nickname chick and I think I'll try "Jaws." It originally came to me from thinking about how Idol jumped the shark by hiring her, but this sentence alone sealed the deal, at least until she says something even more worthy of a nickname.

Things We Learned Tonight: Jaws has a Twitter hash tag for her nicknames, eats turkey bacon every day, and sometimes thinks her hair is edible like cotton candy. Mr. Kidman wants an alter ego, thinks Nikki is "sweet", and never heard Billie Holliday while growing up in Australia. Glitter Girl starting writing songs at Age 6 and was considering leaving the set before Jaws beat her to it. Sole Survivor thinks chicken gets a bad rap, and thinks "you're allowed to feel on Idol." I also figured out how to use an app that syncs my photos between my iPhone and my iPad. Yes, the judge is getting old...

Tonight's Sob Stories: A woman whose boyfriend was badly injured in an automobile accident and didn't know she was auditioning; a former homeless person who now entertains street people as "The Voice of Charlotte"; and a man whose wife was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer 3 years ago but is still alive and well. For a minute I thought we were being set up with the second coming of Danny Gokey. All 3 got tickets to Hollywood.

The Final Score (audition version): 37 tickets to Hollywood, 3 references to former Idol contestants, 1 returning former Idol contestant, 3 references to former Idol judges, 2 current Idol judges who threatened to leave and 1 who actually did, 1 death threat left on the editing room floor, 3 visuals to TMZ founder and former attorney Harvey Levin, and more references to racing than I cared to count. I actually listened for the "yos" from Sole Survivor and didn't hear any, though there were a couple of "Dawgs" thrown out. Since tomorrow night's show features the auditions in Randy's hometown of Baton Rouge perhaps we'll get a few more yos to savor. Thankfully Fox wants to promote Glee some more so it'll only be an hour long show. Thank the Lord for little favors...