I Feel Like a Scratching Post

I'm typing this as I'm watching the Oprah - Lance Armstrong interview. I'll try not to get distracted by it as I type this. If you've seen it already don't tell me the results.

Tonight's auditions were in Chicago, hometown of Jennifer Hudson, so naturally Sole Survivor wasted no time dropping her name. In his defense though, Mr. Kidman upped him by dropping Lee Ann Womack, Dolly Parton, Carrie Underwood, and Gwen Stefani all within the first 15 minutes of the show.

The first contestant was a cute blonde haired, blue eyed chick from Tennessee country whose dad is a back up musician for some country singer whose name I didn't catch. So of course she's a shoo in for the Top 24 but there's no way the tweener chicks who vote a million times each will allow her to win. Just to make it fair, male eye candy Johnny Keyser from last season came back and was sent through to Hollywood.

There was some more polite bickering between the two chicks but the only one who seemed upset about this was Mr. Kidman, who was stuck in the middle pounding his head on the table and making cat references directed towards Nikki. When Nikki claimed that she said no to one contestant (when everyone else said yes) because the contestant wore the same eye shadow, Keith just about lost it. No wonder he ran off early, supposedly for a concert in Vegas (wink, wink).

Nikki's hit up on so many male contestants that I'm tempted to give her Kara's old Horny Chick nickname. I will consider it, though if she keeps up this habit of making up stupid nicknames for everybody I may be inclined to nickname her something else. Stupid nicknames are supposed to be my schtick.

Season 10 contestant and another Chicago native Haley Reinhardt made a cameo to remind everybody that she was once on the show. I don't remember where she placed though. For that matter I don't remember who won that season, except that it was some white guy.

The Idol small town bus tour brought in a guy from a small town in Iowa who brought cookies to his audition and belted out a Stones song that had Mr. Kidman reaching for his lighter. This dude is worth watching. The contestant, not Keith.

While there were no psychos featured in the New York audition show there was a medley of them on this show. The producers all blended them together into another lame parody titled "The Miserables". There was also one chick who like so many others refused to stop singing after she was told no, though the judges kept goading her to sing some more. I couldn't see Captain Jack ever doing that.

Things we learned tonight: There was an Idol small town bus tour, though apparently none of the judges rode the bus. We also learned that this gig is Glitter Girl's first real job, that Justin Beiber doesn't do it for Nikki and that her mom never heard her rap, and that nobody seems to be thrilled to meet Sole Survivor in person. I also learned which channel Oprah's network is on.

Tonight's sob stories: a woman who suffered from anorexia and had no friends in school, a girl who was adopted by her aunt because her birth parents had "issues", and a dude who had a serious stutter except when he sang. All three got 4 yeses and a ticket to Hollywood.

The final score (audition version): 46 golden tickets to Hollywood, 5 name drops, 2 mentions of former Idol contestants, 1 mention of a former Idol judge, 3 sob stories, 2 cat references by Mr. Kidman, and a number of cat fights and psychos that I didn't bother to count. I keep forgetting to count the number of yos from Sole Survivor.

Next Wednesday is the Charlotte auditions, "where it all happens" according to Trained Seal.

It's Amazing Because It Matters

Let's see if anyone is reading this...

After a 3 year abstention, bypassing the entire J-Lo/Tyler era, yours truly has decided to resume my seat on the Idol bench. We'll see how this goes.

One change from my earlier term is that I won't be fully recapping the audition or Hollywood Week shows. Those recaps took so long to write, and I'm older now so I need my beauty sleep. So instead I'll offer some random thoughts on these shows and save the full recaps for the live shows, that is if I last that long.

Is it really Season 12? It seems like only yesterday that my mom was swooning over Chris Daughtry and I was wondering if a guy would ever win this competition.

The season began with Phil Phillips, last year's winner, singing his multi-platinum home song. Any bets on whether or not this song will be the goodbye song this season?

Trained Seal Ryan claimed that Idol contestants have sold 200 million records and have had 371 Number 1 hits. Sounds pretty impressive until you realize that Kelly Clarkson, Carrie Underwood, and Chris Daughtry account for about 3/4 of those numbers. Ryan also claimed that songs that Randy Jackson was involved in have sold over 100 million records. I'm not nearly as impressed as I am surprised that Sole Survivor has been involved in that many songs. They must be counting the sales of all the artists that Randy has named dropped over the years on this show.

After introducing the judges and showing the crowd of auditioners that the producers still want you to think are just outside the door, Glitter Girl and PLWJ politely argue about Nikki's drum major hat and the movie Mean Girls. Later on the two chicks bantered about the lighting and we heard Nikki toss a back handed insult at Miriah's 6-octave range. Apparently the confrontation that ended up on Barbara Walters' show was during the Charlotte auditions. I'm looking forward to seeing what the producers will choose to show.

Everybody but Sole Survivor showed off a British accent tonight. Of course it makes sense that Mr. Kidman (from Australia) and PLWJ (from Trinidad & Tobago) would have such accents, but last I checked they don't speak the Queen's English on Long Island where Glitter Girl comes from.

Sole Survivor made a field visit to Staten Island to invite a bar singer to audition after her mother sent in a video of her singing in said bar. Of course she got 4 nos.

A guy from India who owns 50 turbins was nicknamed "The Turbinator" so of course the producers couldn't resist creating a stupid bit about it. He got three yeses so we'll be seeing him again.

I do enjoy trashing Trained Seal, but after painfully watching all of Captain Jack's hosts on The X-Factor I have a new appreciation for Ryan Seacrest. Not enough to stop making fun of him though.

Things we learned tonight: Glitter Girl had a singing camp in the woods and knows how to say hello in Hebrew, Mr. Kidman once sang on a train, PLWJ wanted to be a bus driver, and Sole Survivor wanted to be a NASCAR driver. I'll let you fill in your joke here. I also realized that I need to come up with a better nickname for Nikki.

Tonight's sob stories: a woman who once weighed 200 pounds but is now down around 120 I'd guess (she got a yes), a guy who was adopted and makes his living by singing on the NYC subway (yes for him too), a girl with 40% hearing loss in one ear and 20% loss in the other (yup, she got a yes), a girl whose parents have 4 foster children with disabilities (yes too), and a one legged tap dancer who lost his leg from cancer (sadly it was a no for him).

The Final Score (audition version): 41 tickets to Hollywood, 0 yos or name drops from Sole Survivor, 4 cat fights between Glitter Girl and PLWJ, 3 British accents (1 fake, 1 real, & 1 in between), 5 sob stories, 0 psychos (in New York, go figure), 1 reference to a former Idol judge (there will be more, I'm still rusty), and 0 goosebumps, but it is early.

That wasn't too bad. It only took an hour to write this, so I'll see you tomorrow night.

Cathouse: The Series

If Nikki Minaj survives until the live shows then I'll definitely be posting again. This is way to good to pass up. Holy cow...

Just Asking

If I were to resume my posts come January do you think anyone would notice?

Shock and Awe

Rick: How can you close me up? On what grounds?
Captain Renault: I'm shocked, shocked to find that gambling is going on in here!
[a croupier hands Renault a pile of money]
Croupier: Your winnings, sir.
Captain Renault: [sotto voce] Oh, thank you very much.
[aloud]
Captain Renault: Everybody out at once!

OK, so after this past Thursday's "shocking" result with Jessica Sanchez having to sing for her life until J-Lo angrily took the mic away from her, I feel the need to break my silence and comment on the events just past.

I am not at all surprised by what happened, and not because I buy into the conspiracy theory floating around that this was all a set up to justify using the judges' save to get the season back on schedule because of Jermaine Jones' disqualification. Despite the fact that Miss Sanchez is one of the better singers in the competition the odds are stacked against her winning this competition, particularly this week. Why? Glad you asked...

About half of the voters left on this show are preteen girls who are voting for the cutest guy, which right now is still a contest between Colton Tebow/Dixon and Mr. One Trick Pony Phillip Phillips. This is why Phillip was safe even though popular opinion was that he was one of the worst performers Wednesday night.

Another quarter of the voters are country fans who are sending all their love to Skyler Laine, the only contestant with any semblance of country in her.

That leaves only a quarter of the remaining votes for the remaining contestants, and most of them are over 35 cougars who were likely turned off by this week's theme of songs from this decade. Since no one chose an Adele or Foo Fighters song I didn't recognize any of the songs the contestants sung this week, and I'm sure many of the cougars didn't either and thus didn't bother to vote. On top of that, there is the other teenage girl in the competition, Hollie Cavanagh and her strange English/Texan accent, who was treated as Dead Girl Singing by the judges and the silent audience and thus generating sympathy votes from this relatively small group of voters, votes that were taken away from Jessica.

Given all that it should come as little surprise that Jessica had the lowest votes this week and that the other two remaining contestants, Joshua and Elise, joined her in the Bottom 3 even though all three of them were among the better performers this week.

This illustrates what I ranted about last season, that the audience for Idol has dwindled down to pre-teen girls and their mothers, and now even the pre-teen girls seem to be leaving Idol for The Voice. I suppose it could be worse, they could be leaving for Captain Jack's X-Factor instead. The producers are so desperate for a female winner this season but it doesn't appear that the audience that these same producers have been catering the show to the last few years will allow that to happen. As a result, we get dull but good looking male winners like Scotty McDreary and good singers like Jessica Sanchez are left standing on stage in shock.

And to think, I was really tempted to resume my recaps this season...

So Where Have You Been?

You may have noticed that I haven't been updating my blog with recaps of the shows this season. For a number of reasons I decided not to do any recaps. Those reasons include:
The judges are boring: Say what you will about Simon, Paula, and even Horny Chick Kara, but they at least made some interesting comments that were sometimes right and most of the time good comic material. There was a reason why Randy had the lowest amount of shots taken at him, he was borrrring. Last season I had to result to count the number of "yo's" he uttered just to get his count up. And now he's the most interesting judge on the panel. Jagger Lite is totally useless as a judge. And J-Lo, man, I had high hopes for her but she just hasn't come through.
It's been nothing but coddling from these three. None of these jokers want to say anything critical to anybody and that has really sapped the life out of the show. So what if the tweeners in the audience boo, what the heck do they know? You guys are supposed to be the music experts, so say something experty. Hell, I'd settle for Drunk Chick incoherence at this point.
And by the way, was anyone surprised that the judges used their magical save so early in the finals? Though I bet they regret saving Casey now with Pia voted off. Serves them right.
The results are predictable: Let's see, there have been 5 eliminations so far. Is anyone surprised that they have all been girls? Trained Seal probably is but he is getting paid millions of dollars by the Idol producers to feel that way. The same thing has happened the last two years, yes both the girls getting early exits and Ryan's faked shock about it.
It is very obvious to me why this happening, just take a look at the studio audience. Outside of the contestant's posses and the occasional celebrity that got comped tickets from Fox, the audience consists of tweener girls and their cougar mothers. And who do these chicks vote for? Cute white guys. And who is left on the show? Two chicks, one African American guy who is likely gay, and 5 cute white guys. The show is now clearly geared towards these tweener chicks (even the commercials) and the producers don't seem to care that the rest of America is watching Kristie Alley trip over herself on Dancing With The Stars.
And before anyone says "what about Casey?" I am convinced that Casey's "save" was a set-up. One of the producer's assistants snitched the next day by revealing that whoever was eliminated that night was still going on the summer tour, despite Trained Seal's claims to the contrary right up until Casey's save. But how could they announce that and make it sound legit? By having the judges "save" the eliminated contestant and then have Trained Seal claim that it was decided long ago to allow a contestant who was saved from elimination from the Top 10 to go on the tour. And if it was predetermined that someone was going to be saved, then the producers could have put anybody in that position since no one was going to be eliminated. So why wouldn't they put one of the dudes there to shock everyone and draw in viewers the next week?
This is just too easy...
I know, I'm sounding like my dad who's never met a conspiracy theory that he didn't like, but this is what the show has come to. I will say though that the producers took a big risk by selecting a guy who's already been in the hospital twice during the competition. I was worried that Casey was going to have a heart attack on live television.
The contestants are copy cats: I swear, I think just about every one of these finalists were separated at birth from a previous finalist. The Haley chick that's on the show now is just like the Haley chick that was on the show a few years ago, complete with the bland singing and the preference for mini skirts. Smilin' Paul McDonald is doing the same act as Smilin' Tim Urban did last year and will probably last as long on the show as Tim did. James Durbin is a blond, and perhaps heterosexual, version of Adam Lambert. I can go on. The African American guy who is likely gay is probably the only one in the bunch that doesn't remind me of another contestant from season's past, which is why I think he has no chance to win.
The mentors are dull: Yes, hearing will.I.am butcher "When A Man Loves A Woman" was entertaining, but Jimmy Iovine is even more boring than Randy Jackson. The rest of the bunch are so dull that I can't even remember their names. The show is clearly not as much fun without tormentors giving out advice that is either ludicrous or so generic that even I could give it. If you are going to have Gwen Stefani dress up the chicks to look like cheap versions of Gwen Stefani then the least the producers could have done was to give Gwen some air time to explain herself and provide fodder for the Idol bloggers to make fun of. Throw us a bone here man!
The audience has left the building: Let's face it, fewer of you are watching the show; even fewer of you are reading the recaps, and the one loyal reader that I knew about passed away earlier this year. My heart is just not in it any more, and I know that I am not alone. One of the VFTW recapers has all but quit on the show, and my compatriot Spasm declared on her Idol blog earlier this week that she is bored and done with the show.
I'll still watch Idol if I'm home and nothing else interesting is on, but I no longer set the DVR to record it, it is no longer appointment television for me, I no longer take notes while watching, I am going to gym on Wednesday nights, and when the Stanley Cup playoffs start I may not bother to watch the show at all if my beloved Los Tiberones are playing at the same time.
So in short, you're on your own. I'm keeping the name though just in case a miracle happens and the show gets interesting enough to recap again. Stranger things have happened.
Case dismissed due to lack of evidence....

Accepting the Case?

I guess I need to decide pretty soon if I'll be judging Season 10 from my armchair...

I'm still not sure. I'm not all that excited about Steven Tyler as an Idol judge, though I already have a nickname for him. Ladies and gentlemen... here's Jagger Lite! I've never been all that excited about Randy Jackson, though it doesn't surprise me that he was the sole survivor of the great judge purge of 2010. After all, where else would he go? Sole Survivor sounds like a better nickname for him though than Big Sexy. And is there anyone out who gets excited about Ryan Seacrest? Except perhaps Trained Seal himself and my father who still thinks he's trying to kill Dick Clark and take over his New Year's Eve show? Even Ricky Minor left the show just as I was finding more ways to make fun of him.

I will say, though, that J-Lo does show some promise, and her presence alone may be enough to convince me to do another season. I know I enjoyed making fun of her when she was a tormentor a few seasons ago, and now I potentially have 5 months of material to work with....

I will likely watch on Wednesday and take notes, and if it's entertaining enough I'll jot something down here. I won't be a full recap though, there's no way I'm staying up until 2 am writing about an audition show. Perhaps a 1 or 2 paragraph summary will suffice, that is if I can control myself.

We'll see... Of course I'll have to change the side photos...