Gimme Shelter from the Intensity

OK, we have finally reached the sort of big stage with the stairs, the band in the catwalks, the mosh pit full of tweener girls, and the guy with the deep voice introducing Ryan and the judges. What is new this year is the screams from the tweeners being piped in during the opening credits, drowning out the theme song that millions sing in the shower on Wednesday mornings. You may remember that after Adam Lambert rocked the stairs during one of his performances last season Trained Seal gave up entering the stage from the stairs. It is a new season though, so Ryan is back strutting down the stairs to start the show. He is actually fired up as he asks for another round of screams for the judges.

On the Tonight Show Horny Chick told Jay that she thinks a guy will win this season. This of course is at variance with Captain Jack’s earlier statements that a girl will win this season. Not that it matters since the producers and the tweeners ultimately get to decide, but I cannot help but wonder if there are some personal biases at work here and that the judges are trying to use the media to taint the jury pool.

Tonight’s theme is music by the Rolling Stones, or “the Jagger/Richards songbook” as Trained Seal called it later in the show. Ryan called the Stones “the most iconic band on the planet, period.” There goes any chance the producers had of convincing Bono or U2 to be a tormentor this season. After Idol contestants butchered Michael Jackson songs last year and Beatles songs two years ago the Stones were about the only artist left that had at least 12 songs that could be re-arranged into something dull but “contemporary.” Both Mick Jagger and Keith Richards took a pass as being tormentors and it seems that Steven Tyler had other plans this past week, so I am left without a convenient punching bag. At least they did not try to have Charlie Watts give some advice.

Michael Lynche, “Miss You”: The producers clearly do not want Michael to win since they keep putting him on first. Tonight we hear about the contestant’s childhoods in their intro videos. Michael for instance was headed for a career in football until his mother passed away. In honor of her Mike put away the pads and strapped on a guitar instead, much to the surprise of his wife. Perhaps she had been counting on those luxury box seats. Big Mike switched up the arrangement from the original, the first of many to do so tonight. Mike added a little bit of R&B flavor to the song, a good choice given how different his voice is from Mick’s. As usual Mike is strutting his stuff on stage. The vocal is OK but nothing special. He performed the song well if not sing it well. Big Sexy starts the judges’ comments by telling Mike that he “slayed it” though Randy was not too crazy about the arrangement. Ellen gets screeches from the mosh pit but does not saying anything of note. Horny Chick gives about 20 props to Mick before finally getting around to telling Mike that he was “hot on stage.” Captain Jack thought Mike’s performance was “corny,” though unlike his comment to Katelyn two weeks ago he did not mean this as a compliment. He also thought the performance was “a tiny bit desperate.” After the bumper music Trained Seal challenges Simon on the desperate comment. After Simon asks if Ryan wants him to talk to Mike or to him, Trained Seal gets into Captain Jack’s grill and tells Simon that he is only trying to help Mike. The Captain quickly backs away, looking shocked at Trained Seal’s newfound aggressiveness. It seems like Ryan has been more aggressive in attacking Simon’s comments ever since Captain Jack announced that he was leaving after this season. Either that or there is some new sexual tension at play here. Captain Jack did invite the ambiguously gay Trained Seal to come to his trailer after the show to straighten things out.

Didi Benami, “Play with Fire”: Didi told Trained Seal during her Coca-Cola treatment that her mom refuses to watch the show in person because she is too nervous about the judges’ comments. If only Drunk Chick were still around, then perhaps Didi’s mom would feel more comfortable, at least until the camera inevitably finds her in the audience. Mom gets even with Didi by revealing in her video that Didi was a “high needs baby.” Didi initially turns the song into a torch ballad with a number of pitch problems that remind me how much I do not like her voice. The pitchiness continues through most of the songs, except for perhaps the shouting she did for the chorus. The mosh pit loves the shouting of course, and greet the pitchy verses with waiving hands. The arrangement was interesting but her pitch was all over the map. As you can probably guess by now, Big Sexy comments on the pitchy song performance by declaring it was “on fire.” Only now as I type this do I realize Big Sexy was attempting to be ironic. Little E thought Didi got lost but managed to find her way back, all without leaving the stage. Horny Chick thought Didi pushed the vocals but admired her intensity, another common theme that Kara would harp on for most of the night. Simon more or less agreed with the others. When Trained Seal asked Didi to explain why she chose a darker song than usual she first tried to blame her new roommate Siobhan and then claims it is because L.A. is a much tougher town that her hometown in Tennessee.

Casey James, “It’s All Over Now”: Casey continues to earn negative points in my book by talking about how he is from Cool, Texas, how he was raised by a single mom, and how he survived seizures as a child. So he is a sob story as well as a poser. Great. Casey tempts fate by bringing back the electric guitar, though this time he has the courtesy to wait until the end of the song for his self-indulgent guitar solo. Casey is in tune, on pitch, and clearly having fun on stage, so I will give him credit for that albeit reluctantly. His performance has sort of a Garth Brooks sound to it. The vocals were a little flat but overall it was OK. Big Sexy name drops Kenny Wayne Sheppard and another guy that I could not interpret. Little E thought it was fantastic and that the hearts of “most women” everywhere where racing except “for people like me… blondes.” Don’t ask, don’t tell, Idol style. Horny Chick is back full on the Casey train and declares him to be a real rock star with his best performance “since we met.” All of America asks: “what does she mean by ‘we’?” Captain Jack thought Casey looked great and sang well but that it was like an audition performance, not the star performance that Horny Chick was watching. Trained Seal talks to Casey about whether or not he and Little E are natural blondes. Casey of course claims that he is.

Lacey Brown, “Ruby Tuesday”: After the first iTunes plug of the night from Trained Seal, Lacey and her parents talk about how shy Lacey was when she was a kid and about how their family spends so much time at the church where her parents are both pastors. Imagine growing up with two parents who are both ministers. No wonder Lacey dyed her hair beet red after she left home. Instead of Ricky and the band Lacey performs the song with a string quartet, but this is hardly a chamber music arrangement. Instead it is the quirky style that she has become famous for ever since Horny Chick told her to stop singing Stevie Nicks songs. She is also back sitting on the stage during the song, probably because Horny Chick complimented her about doing that last week. I think it is fair to say which judge Lacey pays attentions to. It was real pitchy to start but unlike Didi Lacey manages to work her way out of pitchville. It was alright for what it was, and with Lilly Scott no longer in the picture quirkiness could take her deep into the competition. Big Sexy thought it was the most “interesting” performance of the night, a Drunk Chick way of criticizing the performance without getting booed. Ellen thought it was weird that Lacey stood up during the slow part and sat down during the fast part, which makes sense but doesn't matter since Lacey does not listen to Little E anyway. Horny Chick liked the drama but heard some missed notes, so she is 50/50 overall. Let us see if Lacey can make sense out of that. Captain Jack thought Lacey was right with the vocals, and then verbally strips Lacey raw by talking about how she performs like an actress, very precise, very thought-thru, and too overthinking. Lacey has no choice but to admit the Trained Seal that Captain Jack was right, so Ryan helps her out by showing her the rest of the stage.

Andrew Garcia, “Gimme Shelter”: OK, let’s see how this guy handles a song originally performed by a bunch of dudes. Andrew’s dad brings up the gang thing again, and then says what the SEIU might think is a racist comment by telling us that he thought Andrew would be a janitor because he liked to jangle keys. The music starts kind of space agey with the synthesizer and I am thinking the worst. This is not the kind of song that you would want to do in New Age style. Thankfully Andrew does not go down that path and instead chooses to play it straight, albeit without the grit that we are all used to hearing from Mick and his many imitators. Overall it was a solid performance, his best since the performance of the Drunk Chick song. Big Sexy of course thought it was too pitchy. Little E agreed with me, but what does she know? The song did not connect with Horny Chick because it is about war and Andrew did not sing it as if he were at war, leading to this priceless exchange between her and Captain Jack:

Simon: “What was he supposed to do?”
Kara: “I just wanted more intensity!”
Simon: “You want him to come on stage with a tank or something?”

Long, uncomfortable silence follows…

Horny Chick continues to try to justify her intensity comment by debating with Captain Jack about how intense the Stones were and how she is taking things too literally. All the while Trained Seal is shouting off mic that Horny Chick seems angry. Simon finally gets around to telling Andrew that he was in the middle on the performance but liked that Andrew showed a lot of effort and that he was finally venturing away from Drunk Chick’s songs.

Come to think of it, wouldn't it be cool if some actually did come on stage with a tank? Just think of all the stupid shoot the judges comments that would elicit?

I've been typing this for almost two hours now and I am not even halfway through. I hope Carson Daly has some good guests tonight.

Katie Stevens, “Wild Horses”: During her Coca-Cola treatment Katie talks about how much the song means to her because wild horses cannot drag her away from Idol. She also passed Trained Seal’s test by correctly identifying Mick Jagger as the lead singer of the Rolling Stones. Katie is wearing some quirky paper dress that Bjork would be proud to wear, the second time this season I have referenced the Icelander. She starts in her low register again that I like but Big Sexy does not. Katie sounds even older than usual but since this song is twice her age it is not so bad. The crowd is waving their hands again to this torch ballad. Overall it was a good vocal, probably her best of the live shows. All season the judges have been complaining that she sounds too old and that she doesn't know what kind of artist she wants to be, when all along the type of artist she wants to be is an older one. Big Sexy talks about all the misdirections the judges have been giving Katie but stops short to admitting his own guilt. Little E makes a snide comment about the dress and thought it sounded good, and did not say anything about Katie’s age. I guess she got the hint. Horny Chick thought the melody went in the right direction. I guess she did not get the memo about providing Katie with more cogent comments. Captain Jack liked the song choice and, after name dropping Susan Boyle, tells Katie that she finally connected with her song, eliciting a quick “yes” from the contestant.

Tim Urban, “Under My Thumb”: After iTunes #2 Trained Seal declares Tim “The Comeback Kid”, though what he came back from I am not sure. Tim is our second acoustic guitar performer of the night and about the sixth pitchy performance of the night, or maybe it is just the wrong key. Tim changed the song into a reggae number even though he is not a reggae singer. This was just weird, the facial expressions, the arrangement, even the vocals. If he really wanted to do a Stones song reggae style he should have tried “Sympathy with the Devil” instead. Big Sexy too thought it was bizarre and gets booed for keeping it real. Little E boos herself, and then imitates Captain Jack by talking about how she was thinking about pina coladas during Tim’s performance. Horny Chick tries to be polite by applauding him for trying something different. Captain Jack starts out nice by agreeing with Kara and then rips into Tim for making a crazy decision that likely caused Stones fans to turn the TV off. I believe that happened about an hour before Tim took the stage. Even Trained Seal gets into the act, openly wondering what the Stones think about how Tim butchered their song.

Siobhan Magnus, “Paint It Black”: You know, as soon as I heard that this was Rolling Stones week my first thought was “I bet Siobhan is going to sing ‘Paint It Black’.” Either Siobhan is not as unpredictable as the judges claim she is or I have been paying too much attention to this show. I read another Idol blog that claimed that Siobhan’s dad looked like Brian Johnson from AC/DC and now I cannot help but notice the similarities. Siobhan is wearing the same type of light dress as Katie but of course it is painted black. She starts with a slow arrangement that would be at home in a Tim Burton movie. Then the band kicks in to make it faster but just as spooky. I just started feeling goosebumps when Siobhan spoils it by straining her voice, but then she brings it back with another big, long, loud note that surpassed the one she did two weeks ago. She finishes up with a slow haunting finish and, hey, there is a goosebump. Best of the night so far. Big Sexy praises Siobhan for “bringing the drama to American Idol!” Little E loves everything and loves how Siobhan stands out in a crowd like Snookie’s Poof. OK, you got me with that one. Horny Chick is having an Adam Lambert flashback. Captain Jack thought it was the best performance of the night but wonders if Siobhan thinks she has to scream at the end of every song now. Trained Seal brings out Siobhan’s glasses and gets her to admit that she sings without glasses or contacts. The legend of Siobhan grows.

Lee DeWyne, “Beast of Burden”: Apparently the hard life that Lee hinted at last week has something to do with his time working in a paint store. Like Katie’s Coca-Cola treatment, Trained Seal puts Lee to the test by asking him colors for Snuggle Puss and Cupid’s Dart. Lee gets one of out two correct, and Trained Seal acts all smug like Alex Trebek. Before he starts Trained Seal warns us about how nervous Lee is and all of America wonders if this is a set up or an upcoming train wreck. Lee is strumming along slow and steady, kind of like Dave Matthews singing a Jack Johnson song. Now I am name dropping. Lee does not seem all that nervous, except for the slurred lyrics and another attempt to swallow the microphone. The vocal was decent though the arrangement was kind of dull. Hence my name drops. Big Sexy thought it was “dope” and name drops Rob Thomas along with Dave Matthews. Little E thought it was a great but a little short of complete like a hospital gown. Somebody has been peeking into Captain Jack’s bag of analogies. Horny Chick thought Lee has been growing more than anybody but does not say anything about the performance. Captain Jack, for about the fifth time tonight, starts with a compliment about how good his voice is, but then rips him bare by telling Lee that he is hiding his personality and is singing like he thinks others are better than him. Maybe I should start calling Simon Dr. Jack, psychiatrist to the wanna-be stars. Trained Seal tries to throw a bone to Lee by asking about how his nervousness may have affected his performance, but instead of answering straight up Lee talks about how he chose the song.

Paige Miles, “Honky Tonk Woman”: Paige tries to claim the sympathy vote from Casey by talking about how her dad died when she was 4. At this point she needs all the votes she can get. Paige wisely changes up the lyrics, first singing about a “honky tonk man” and then changes them again to sing about how she is a honky tonk woman. I admire her logic. For once we are finally hearing the strong voice that the judges have been claiming for weeks that she has. But it is it too little too late? Big Sexy thought she had worked it out, though this time he did not exactly say that, but he wanted to see more energy. Little E mentions that Paige had problems with her voice this week, which was news to Big Sexy. Now we know which judges go to rehearsal and which one does not. Horny Chick thought Paige was a little lost but admired her effort with her voice problems. The chick judges sound rather desperate to keep Paige on the show since they keep bringing up this mysterious voice problem. Captain Jack was happy that Paige finally validated all of his comments about her great voice. Trained Seal continues the sympathy drive by pointing out that Paige’s voice was so bad that she had to skip rehearsals.

Aaron Kelly, “Angie”: In his video Aaron talks about coming from a 50 house town. Is it me or is every contestant this season from a small town? After his mom tells us that Aaron was adopted Aaron wonders where he got his singing ability from since his mother doesn't sing. I wonder if Aaron knows that he is an adopted child. Either Aaron or Ricky and the band started early, I’m not sure which, but after a few notes Aaron and the band kiss and make up. His vocal is only so-so but that does not stop the mosh pit from waving their arms again. It was just OK for me. Big Sexy though loved the tender moments and name drops Rascal Flatts and Justin Timberlake. Little E accuses Aaron of copying her hair style but still loved the performance and the song choice. Horny Chick thinks Aaron showed her up this week after she trashed him last week even though the performances were not that much different. Captain Jack didn't get the Justin vibe that Big Sexy did but admired Aaron’s effort and his wisdom in choosing a song that he could sing with his girly voice. Trained Seal tries to help Aaron by asking him how difficult it was to learn the song.

Crystal Bowersox, “You Can’t Always Get What You Want”: The producers clearly want Crystal to win since they keep putting her on last. Her dad talks about her days as Crystal’s roadie and how touched he was when Crystal wrote a sing about her. She changed up the arrangement, making it 12 for 12 for the night, by ditching the choir and bringing out the acoustic guitar with someone’s signature on it. The audience claps along to Crystal’s steady beat until the band kicks in at the second verse to drown them out. Crystal starts to boogie with Ricky and the band, I think the first time I have heard her do that. It was well done as usual, with kind of a Melissa Etheridge feel to it. Big Sexy was not amazed but not disappointed either. Ellen saw some personality too. Crystal tries to explain her lack of personality in her earlier performances by talking about how she thinks too much when she performs, so Little E tells all the kids out there that “no one should think.” As it is now close to 1:30 AM this comment has more meaning to me than it did at 9:52 PM. Kara agrees with Ellen. Captain Jack asks Crystal why she thinks she is overthinking, which Crystal explains is because she has a lot on her mind. Trained Seal restrains himself and does not ask Crystal what she has been thinking about. The Captain then talks about how Crystal had been the favorite coming into the finals but that Siobhan had out sang her tonight. Crystal denies that she is the favorite, perhaps a smart move given what has happened to the favorites in seasons past, but thanks Captain Jack for saying that.

The Final Score: 24 shots at Trained Seal Ryan; 21 shots at Captain Jack Simon; 17 shots at Horny Chick Kara; 17 shots at Big Sexy Randy; 14 shots at Little E Ellen; 5 shots at Ricky Minor and the band, and 9 shots at the audience. There were 4 references to former Idol contestants, 34 references to other non-Idol performers (no wonder this took so long to type), and 4 references to Drunk Chick Paula. 3 Coca-Cola treatments, 2 iTunes plugs, 12 changed arrangements, 10 name drops (including mine), 1 self-indulgent guitar solo, 3 acoustic guitars that were seen but not heard, 2 pop quizzes, 2 lost and found contestants, 1 gang reference, 1 union reference, and one lonely goosebump. And nobody dared to take on "Satisfaction".

Your 3 Stars of the Night: If Siobhan were not so, well, weird she would be the morning line favorite, but as it is she was the best on this night. Michael and Crystal were their usual solid selves, and Paige earned an honorable mention for finally showing America that she can actually sing.

Idol Gives Back: Check out my last post. I pretty much covered everything I needed to say there.

The Fearless Prediction: Almost everybody did a decent job tonight, everyone that is except for Mr. Urban and his grimacing reggae performance. I suspect Andrew will be in the bottom 3 only because the producers hinted that he was in trouble last week and he didn't exactly blow it out of the box tonight. Joining him in the relegation zone will probably be Paige, though I can see either Katie or Lacey being there instead. It'll be a chick anyway. The other dudes have too much appeal to the tweener girls to be in danger of leaving now. Yeah, I'm talking to you Aaron. That leaves Tim. He was the only one that Little E criticized, and even Trained Seal got into the act while claiming that he is only trying to help the contestants. I am a little nervous picking Tim because he has managed to survive 4 weeks longer than he should have. I can only assume that it is because the tweener girls seem to like him. However, I cannot in good conscience choose anyone else, so I predict that Tim Urban will be sent home tomorrow night.

It’s time for Last Call with Carson Daly, who has ditched the audience and is now doing his show documentary style. Boy Ellen Barkin is starting to look old. Michelle Pfeiffer is still looking fine though. Alright, I’m getting punchy now so good night from the armchair.

They're Crazy and They're Kooky

First a quick Idol Gives Back review of tonight's cast-offs. Alex Lambert did not surprise me. He never did show off the supposedly great voice that the judges kept claiming he had. If you don't have the nerves to sing in front of a bunch of tweeners who cheer everything you sing no matter how bad, then perhaps you should consider another line of work. Todrick Hall's departure did not surprise me that much. Maybe if my DVR had allowed me to see Tim Urban's performance I might have picked Todrick to go instead. That blasted machine is just destroying my batting average. It's too bad to some degree because Todrick was one of the few guys who actually seemed to enjoy being on stage. Katelyn Epperly's departure is as sure a sign as any that the tweeners have taken over the voting, as they have systematically removed all of the female eye candy that Simon and the producers shoehorned into the Top 24. All we are left with are teenagers and weird indie types, which is what makes Lilly Scott's departure so surprising. Not that she had any chance of winning with all of the other weird indie types still in the field, but I would have thought that she would have stuck around at least long enough to make the summer tour. I find it funny that Lilly didn't know what America wants to hear, because indie artists like she claims to be are not supposed to care about stuff like that, or else they would be pop artists and not indie artists. Isn't that what makes an indie artist, well, indie?

So now we are down to the final 12, and in no particular order here are the pros and cons of each of them as it related to their chances of winning this thing:

Michael Lynche
Pro: He's got a good voice, he's comfortable on stage, and he's got an engaging back story that all together have him as the current favorite.
Con: One year ago tonight you could have said the exact same thing about Danny Gokey. At least Big Mike doesn't have to worry about Paula the Angel of Death picking his song when they get to the top 3.

Crystal Bowersox
Pro: Like Mike she has a good voice and is comfortable on stage, and in a year when the producers want a chick to win she is the best of the bunch.
Con: It's hard to imagine someone who sings in subways winning American Idol. Being talented and different can only get you so far on this show, just ask Adam Lambert, or Lilly Scott.

Casey James
Pro: Chicks dig the eye candy, and chicks control the voting.
Con: He's still a poser, and chicks catch on to that pretty darn quickly.

Siobhan Magnus
Pro: With all due respect to what the judges think about Paige Miles, Siobhan has the best female singing voice in the competition.
Con: She is, how should I say it, kind of weird.

Lee Dewyze
Pro: Has been consistently solid, though not spectacular, so far in the live shows.
Con: It'll take more than that to win this competition; consistency is not that important to the ADD kids who text in millions of times.

Katie Stevens
Pro: She has a good voice and is the same age as Idol's #1 demographic.
Con: She keeps trying to make the judges happy, and if there is anything the judges hate it is someone who keeps trying to do what they say.

Andrew Garcia
Pro: Has shown some creativity in his song choices, reminiscent of Kris Allen.
Con: No one is going to notice his creativity if he keeps picking songs originally sung by women.

Didi Benami
Pro: She acts like Brooke White and sings like Megan Corkrey, two prior Idol contestants who lasted far longer than they should have.
Con: Neither of those two won.

Aaron Kelly
Pro: He's cute and a teenager, two things both the cougars and the tweeners love.
Con: Nobody is voting for this kid because of his vocal talent, at least as long as he keeps singing like he's in a HS musical.

Lacey Brown
Pro: Now that the judges have told her what type of artist she should be her performances have been much more focused.
Con: One trick ponies have a limited life span on this show, just ask Chris Daughtry.

Tim Urban
Pro: He has actually shown some improvement during the live shows.
Con: He is still playing with the house money, and the house always gets their money back.

Paige Miles
Pro: Has a nice voice and isn't as quirky as all of the other girl contestants.
Con: Can't seem to pick a good song to save her life. Maybe the theme weeks will help her focus on choosing a good song, but God help her when they get to iTunes week.

While it is clear that Michael and Crystal are the favorites to win, there is no guarantees at this stage. Remember that Danny Gokey, David Archuleta, LaKesha Jones, and Chris Daughtry were all declared the ones to beat at this stage of the competition and none of them went on to win, and only Wonder Boy made it to the final 2. So we'll see. Now that the competitions will be only on Tuesday nights hopefully the curse that seems to be affecting my DVR on Wednesday's will stay that way. We'll see about that too.

Somebody Call A Lawyer

Well, once again my non-Idol live interfered with my Idol life, and once again my DVR decided not to cooperate. It seems that it thought Idol began and ended at 5 PM today, so that is what it recorded. To make matters worse, it seems the DVR has forgotten how to pause or rewind during the show, at least on Wednesdays. Since I did not get in until 9:30 I only got to see half the show and thus can only offer up half a recap. The DVR does seem to work on Tuesdays, so thank goodness this is the last Wednesday live show.

Casey James, joined in progress: … his tone and pitch are good albeit a bit boring. A little bit of pitchiness at the end but otherwise it was OK, at least the 45 seconds or so that I was allowed to see. Big Sexy thought the song choice was safe and name drops Stevie Ray Vaughn will telling Casey what type of artist he should be. Don’t listen to him Casey… Little E thinks Casey sings better singing down. Horny Chick tries to hide her hormones by claiming she is only “partially” back on board the Casey train because he didn't act like a poser like last week. I guess that means Casey is getting to second base after striking out last week. Captain Jack thought the performance made him sincere (i.e. not a poser) but that it was still forgettable. Casey made have hide his poserness this week but it is only a matter of time before it rears its ugly head again. Maybe that is what he is keeping in the box.

Aaron Kelly, “I’m Already There” by Lonestar: The BBC mentioned that a Lonestar song was a big hit 10 years ago today and I’m thinking “who the bloody hell is Lonestar?” Then young Aaron decides to sing a Lonestar song tonight. Who are these guys? Aaron’s vocal is very weak to start, but I am not sure if it is because of nerves or a bad song choice. The big vocal chorus is not so big, sad to say. Overall the vocal was decent but for me rather flat. The tweener girls of course love it, so I won’t be selecting him to go home tomorrow. Big Sexy thought it was great except for the low notes at the start. I guess he stopped listening after the first verse. Little E loves little Aaron and for the third straight week asks Aaron how old he is. He’s 16! Pay attention! Clearly Little E is not since she then talks about how Aaron stands on stage like he is 30, but then she says that the song was too big for him and gets booed. Me thinks Aaron will go far in this competition in spite of his lack of vocal talent. Horny Chick doesn't think Aaron can relate to the song because he is 16 and is trying to sing a song about a father talking to his children over the phone. Aaron tries to explain to Trained Seal that he was only trying to tell a story. Captain Jack goes on the offensive and calls Kara’s comment “rubbish.” He did not like the vocal but admired Aaron’s effort to show some emotion even though he’s about 15 years away from being able to relate to the song.

Todrick Hall, “Somebody to Love” by Queen: This is the song that Captain Jack thought Allison Iraheta should have sung last season instead of the Jefferson Airplane one or the Janis Joplin song she ended up singing. Todrick starts off really pitchy, but so did the back-up singers so it does not stand out as much. He gets only slightly better as he moves through the song. Todrick also avoids taking after Horny Chick and try and dance, though he gets on his knees to milk some squeals from the tweeners. He is no Freddie Mercury, but unlike Freddie I can understand all of the words that he is signing, so he deserves some kudos for that. Big Sexy declares that “Todrick is back” and finally realizes that Todrick can sing. He must have been daydreaming or something. Little E thought it was a brave song choice and praised him for making it sound “sort-of” gospel. Horny Chick could not decide whether she should laugh at his performance or love it, and then tried to claim that this was a compliment. Captain Jack was happy that Todrick didn't play a guitar sitting on a stool, a backhanded shot at Casey, and then tells Todrick that he should be a Broadway performer because he can sort of sing and sort of dance.

Michael Lynche, “This Woman’s Work” by Maxwell: Big Mike keeps tempting fate by selecting songs with titles that could offend feminists, not to mention Little E. I guess he does not realize that women and their tweener daughters control the voting on this show. Michael starts with a really good falsetto that should not be coming out of the mouth of someone who weighs more than me. Mike amazes me more by getting all dramatic with the chorus and ending with big note. Damn, that was good soulful R&B; best of the 4 I heard by a country mile. Unlike scary Lilly last night Michael took the closer spot and ate it for lunch. Big Sexy cannot believe that Michael sang so well, really! Ellen thought it was beautiful. Horny Chick plays the Drunk Chick part and starts crying because the song was so relevant to him because he has a baby and so relevant to her because she does not. I can so easily imagine Paula saying something like that. Captain Jack gives Kara a hug and seems relieved that someone finally gave a good performance. Trained Seal tries to make fun of Michael’s stage movements by running around the stage while giving out the phone number. Be careful Ryan, that guy can probably knock your pansy ass out.
Here is a quick recap of the performances I missed based on the 10 second recap of their performances. I’ll keep them short for obvious reasons.

Lee Dewyze: Sounded decent, though going first may hurt his chances for advancement.

Alex Lambert: Still sounds nasally and nervous. If we aren't hearing his allegedly wonderful singing voice by now when will we hear it?

Tim Urban: Nothing spectacular.

Andrew Garcia: Tries to make lightning strike twice by singing Christina Aguilera's “Genie in a Bottle” instead of a dude song. I couldn't tell if he changed up the arrangement or if Little E mentioned the Paula song again.

The Abbreviated Final Score: 6 shots at Captain Jack Simon; 6 shots at Little E Ellen; 6 shots at Horny Chick Kara; 4 shots at Big Sexy Randy; 2 shots at Trained Seal Ryan; 1 shot at Ricky Minor and the band, and 3 shots at the audience. 4 references to former Idol contestants including 1 reference to Chris Daughtry, 6 references to other non-Idol performers, and 4 references to Drunk Chick Paula. 1 Coca-Cola treatment (assumed), 0 iTunes plugs (hopefully Steve Jobs is not watching), 1 name drop, 5 guitars, 1 backhanded judge shot, 1 feminist reference, and 4 performances that I missed and plan to sue my DVR maker for emotional distress for.

Your 3 Stars of the Night: Michael Lynche has a good voice, a good back story, and no credible challengers among the dudes for favorite status. Right now it’s between him and Crystal Bowersox, but then these contests are never decided at the semis or else Chris Daughtry would be in the show intro graphics instead of Taylor Hicks. None of the other guys that I saw were really stars and I didn't see the rest, so it is only 1 star on this night.

Idol Gives Back: Poor Jermaine, he really thought God would keep him on the show, only to find out the hard way that God works in mysterious ways. Jermaine though is still a God fearing man so he should be alright, though we’ll never find out if Captain Jack took Jermaine up on his offer to go to church with him. John Park really had no chance, though I appreciate his help in getting my average up.

The Fearless Prediction: This will again prove to be a bigger challenge than it should be thanks to my cranky DVR. None of the 4 guys I saw would appear to be in danger of leaving, though only in Michael’s case is this due to his singing performance. I’m getting tired of hearing that Alex Lambert has a great voice so, much like Paige Miles, I am predicting that he will be joining her tomorrow on the plane ride home. Tim Urban has been playing with house money since Chris Golightly got himself canned, but everybody has to pay the dealer eventually and I have the sense that Tim’s time is up tomorrow.

Don't Pay Attention to the Judges Behind the Curtain

I think this week I’ll try something new. Rather than write essay long paragraphs about each performance I’m going to instead use a bullet point format to list my thoughts and the wacky judges’ comments. I’m going to try this now to see if this will allow me to go to bed at a reasonable time. It is perhaps appropriate tonight given how the entire show was rushed through so that Fox can start Glee on time. We’ll see how successful both of are with this.

Intro:
- Trained Seal reads off the roll call then has a spooky grin on his face as he starts the show.
- The producers are piping in the audience reaction during the intro, but is it real or is it Memorex? You kids under 35 probably don’t understand that, just like my co-worker today who did not understand the reference to expendable people as being the “red-shirts.”
- Little E is snuggling up to Captain Jack to the amazement of Trained Seal. The Captain admits to feeling a “little uncomfortable” being spooned by someone on his side of the fence.
- Simon tells the contestants that tonight is the “worse night to go” because they would have been so close to the Top 12. Tell that to Ayla Brown, whose father parlayed her departure at this stage in Season 5 to a seat in Congress.

Katie Stevens, “Breakaway” by Kelly Clarkson:
- Katie gets a cold start from Trained Seal without any intro.
- Tonight she is sounding a lot like Lisa Stansfield; whatever happened to her anyway?
- Sounds decent, more or less how she has been sounding the last three weeks.
- Big Sexy thought the song was too big for her and utters the K-word. Last week he didn't seem to have a problem with Paige Miles singing a Kelly Clarkson song, but now suddenly it is as if Katie committed sacrilege.
- Katie is finally young enough for Little E but now E has a problem with Katie not feeling the words and wanting to break away. Perhaps she does now.
- Horny Chick thinks Katie has a great radio voice that is older than her but that she doesn't know what type of artist she is. It used to be that having a good radio voice used to mean something, like back in the 70’s.
- Captain Jack thinks Katie is confused because she keeps trying to incorporate the judges’ comments into her performance. He too thinks Katie doesn't know what type of artist she wants to be.
- So basically Katie should just stop listening to the judges and do her own thing, and then get criticized for not listening to the judges. So much for her being the Chosen One.
- Trained Seal tries to help Katie by asking her to talk about how much the song means to her because she wants to breakaway from her small town origins. Ryan also points out that Katie was 8 years old when Kelly Clarkson won, and suddenly we all feel old.

Siobhan Magnus, “The House of the Rising Sun” by The Animals:
- During her Coca-Cola treatment Siobhan talks about how she is dedicating her performance tonight to her musician father. Trained Seal regrets that there is not enough time for her father to sing tonight.
- Siobhan is wearing a short Coca-Cola red mini skirt in response to all of the skirts that she saw last week.
- The first verse is slow and pitchy, the second loud and pitchy, the third verse, when Ricky and the band finally start playing, is louder but less pitchy.
- An interesting voice and an interesting song choice that I am not sure what to make of.
- Big Sexy loves how Siobhan likes to take risks and how she doesn't listen to the judges. At least he is being consistent with tonight’s theme.
- It’s because of performances like this that Ellen likes music. Perhaps it’s deep personal thoughts like this that Little E is an Idol judge and Drunk Chick is back home watching the show in the judge’s mansion.
- Horny Chick likes her uniqueness and her “unlikely” character.
- Captain Jack thought it was weird and that he didn't think Siobhan did anything with the song, even though Siobhan completely changed the arrangement. The audience boos and this time I agree with them because I’m not sure what song Simon listened to.

Lacey Brown, “The Story” by Randy Carlyle:
- Lacey sings her song while sitting on the stage steps because Siobhan and Trained Seal were still on the stage.
- She is generally on point but is drifting in and out of pitch.
- I’m sorry; I just am not a big fan of this chick’s voice.
- The camera keeps moving around but Lacey keeps facing forward, but to whom I cannot tell.
- Randy thought this was Lacey’s best performance.
- Little E also thought this was Lacey’s best performance and that he felt like the song was written just for her. Just don’t tell Randy Carlyle.
- Horny Chick thinks this is the type of song that she could record just like the song she sang last week, which Lacey sang after Horny Chick recommended it. So for Lacey it is good that she listens to the judges.
- Captain Jack hates the song but liked Lacey’s singing because she seemed to know where the camera was. I wonder if he’ll change his mind when he sees the playback like he claims he does.
- Trained Seal goes against type by jumping in with the phone number before the bumper music starts. No fish for you!

Katelyn Epperley, “I Feel the Earth Move” by Carole King:
- Katelyn follows up from her revealing outfit from last week with a moppet look this week. She has again ditched the make-up after Horny Chick made snide comments about it two weeks ago.
- This week instead of a piano Katelyn is playing a smaller keyboard; at least we are supposed to believe she is playing it even though as usually Ricky and the band are drowning her out.
- She sounds very nervous to start but gets better towards the end.
- I don’t know, it sounded like a lounge singer performance. Probably not the best song choice.
- Big Sexy dug the frizzy hair and the tiny keyboard but thought that Katelyn’s performance was “very put on.”
- Little E also liked Katelyn’s look but that she fell short. Like I said, she’s on Captain Jack’s side of the fence.
- Kara thought Katelyn was just going through the motions as if she were not in a singing competition and I now understand Big Sexy’s comment.
- In response to Horny Chick’s question as to whether or not Katelyn knew what was happening, she claimed that she wanted to be less corny this week after Captain Jack’s compliment last week.
- Captain Jack follows up this week by describing Katelyn’s performance as “request night on a Friday night at a restaurant if you worked there.” Let’s see how Katelyn tries to address that.

Didi Benami, “Rhiannon” by Fleetwood Mac:
- I mentioned last week that she sounds like Megan Joy Corkrey and acts like Brooke White. She has another thing in common with those two; she keeps staying on the show for weeks after I start to predict her departure. I’m going to predict right now that she will make the Top 12 no matter now crappy she sings tonight.
- The producers are doing her no favors with the spooky pink backlighting. That may have been what doomed Michelle Delamor last week.
- She is missing notes here and there and I am still no fan of her voice, but I like how she changed up the song. There is no way she could sing this song straight and avoid another deluge of mean comments from the other judges claiming that she can’t sing like Stevie Nicks. Kind of like what Brooke White did.
- All the judges thought it was much better than last week, which means Didi may be doomed.
- Little E liked how Didi was smiling now after being on the verge of tears last week. Yes, indeedi Didi (E’s words, not mine).
- Both Little E and Horny Chick were afraid when they found out about the song choice, probably thinking that Didi would try and sing it straight, and were delighted to see that Didi did not do that.
- Both Captain Jack and Horny Chick thought it was the best performance of the night, but is that really saying much?

Paige Miles, “Smile” written by Charlie Chaplin:
- I guess the performers are no longer required to pick a song from the Billboard charts. I am not sure Billboard even existed when this song came out, unless somebody covered it when I was not looking.
- Paige is singing this slow song with a very airy voice. As the judges have been bragging about how great a voice this chick has this does not sound like a good song choice.
- Her voice seems to start shaking towards the end as if she is starting to realize that she chose the wrong song.
- Big Sexy talked about how this is one of his all time favorite songs, which he says after pretty much every song, and then starts talking about thoughts of shrimp, beef, and chicken. I guess that is a backhanded way of saying that he thought it was a lounge act performance.
- Ellen thought Paige turned an uplifting sing into a sad and heavy one.
- Kara thought it was all wrong and asked Paige if her hesitation at the end was a sign that she agreed with that assessment. Paige instead claims that she was just getting emotional.
- Captain Jack reaches into his analogy book of tricks and describes Paige’s performance as a “1974 holiday” style “peanut performance,” so named because it is what he would expect to hear in a place where the audience is sitting there eating peanuts, like say in a bar, I guess. Simon has something in common with the producers in that neither of their chosen ones have been up to the task.
- Trained Seal tries to help Paige by asking her why she was so emotional during the song. Paige claims it was because Michael Jackson recorded this song. Now I am as confused as the judges.

Crystal Bowersox, “Give Me One Reason” by Tracy Chapman:
- Any bets that Crystal has sung this song before in a Chicago subway station?
- Crystal starts solo with an acoustic guitar, and then picks up her voice to avoid being drowned out by Ricky and the band.
- The chicks up in the balcony look worried, as well they should be, Crystal is again putting them all to shame.
- Her note run at the end impresses the dudes in the audience.
- Big Sexy thinks that Crystal’s performance “is what this show is about for me.” If only it were true. As good as Crystal is does anybody think the tweener girls who control the voting will want to see her win?
- Little E has run out of adjectives for Crystal. I have run out of adjectives for Little E. Suggestions are welcome.
- Horny Chick declares “this is what we talk about when people know who they are.” So now the performers are supposed to listen to the judges when they tell them who they are? I feel like Katie.
- Simon declares Crystal to be the one to beat because her confidence has improved. I am not sure about the latter but I agree with the former, unless the evil teenage girls decide otherwise.

Lilly Scott, “I Fall to Pieces” by Patsy Cline:
- Lilly is strumming a mandolin that I cannot hear. Is anyone actually playing their instrument?
- Lilly gets point for infusing a country twang to a Patsy Cline song. Still, I find myself trying to hold back the laughter. Her voice is just so weird. How can anyone take what she is singing seriously? Her voice would work for a quirky song, like country or something, but if she ever tried to sing a serious love ballad she would be laughed out of the building. Well, perhaps not this audience. Big Sexy thinks Lilly is in a zone, though he did hesitate and stutter a little before he said it. Horny Chick thinks Lilly achieved a significant accomplishment by making Patsy Cline sound contemporary. I may be out of touch with contemporary music but I would be hard pressed to say that Lilly is “contemporary.” Captain Jack again refuses to jump off the Lilly cliff with the other judges. He thought Lilly was brave and cute but that she did not do enough to justify the closer spot.

The Final Score: 13 shots at Captain Jack Simon; 10 shots at Little E Ellen; 9 shots at Trained Seal Ryan; 9 shots at Horny Chick Kara; 6 shots at Big Sexy Randy; 3 shots at Ricky Minor and the band, and 1 shot at the audience. The audience did not have enough time to boo tonight. How else can I explain why there were more shots at Ricky and the band than there were at the audience? 7 references to former Idol contestants including 2 references to Kelly Clarkson, 4 references to other non-Idol performers, and 1 reference to Drunk Chick Paula. 1 Coca-Cola treatment, 0 iTunes plugs or name drops (another nice thing about the shortened scheduled time), 4 mini-skirts, 2 skirts paired with leggings, 2 pants, 4 references from the 70’s, 1 K-word utterances, 1 reference to a Senator, 1 banquet order, and 1 minute of overtime.

Your 3 Stars of the Night: Crystal Bowersox has established herself as the best of the girls, which means that she likely won’t win regardless of what the tweeners think since favorites coming out of the semis rarely win the finale. Didi Benami did in fact do better, and I am not just saying that to jinx her. I am still a fan of Siobhan Magnus and admire her wacky song choices and arrangements, despite what Captain Jack claims.

Idol Gives Back: Michelle was kind of a no-brainer because she did not stand out in the two weeks of exposure the producers gave her. Besides, the tweeners seem to be on a mission to weed out all of the good looking girls. Haeley’s departure kind of surprised me because the tweeners seem to like one of their own. Oh well, Horny Chick did say that she was too young, only two shows too late.

The Fearless Prediction: As much as Captain Jack gets booed he is usually pretty accurate about who is going home, so Paige Miles should be very afraid. Katelyn could be sent home because she is pretty, and Lacey could be sent home because she has a weird voice, but I cannot seem to shake the feeling that Katie Stevens will be sent home to try and find herself. So I’ll go with Katie and Paige.

Project Runaway

Hey, guess what, I got to see the entire show, so lucky for you I’ll have two full wrap-ups this week for the first time since January. Of course I am late with this recap. I am not as young as I used to be and it is not as easy for me to stay up late on multiple nights typing these things up. Let’s face it, the show is getting younger and I am getting older.

I am not entirely sure that I will do this blog next season if my non-Idol life stays as busy as it is now, especially now that Captain Jack has already declared his intention to leave the show. Maybe I will do an armchair X-Factor blog instead, though it does not have quite the same ring to it. Until then, though, I will do my best to keep you informed and entertained.

Trained Seal lays down the gauntlet to the girls, challenging them to answer back to the dudes who went the night before. I don’t really see that being that big of a challenge right now given how most the guys have not exactly stood out, except for the perhaps the guy who can bench press 5 Trained Seals and the guy who did the Paula song during Hollywood Week.

After the title sequence Ryan introduces the girls and then checks in with Crystal Bowersox, who is still on the show after spending last night in a hospital bed. She appears to be doing fine. Ryan then goes to the judges for their thoughts. Big Sexy thought the guys were hot and had fire in their eyes. Ellen mimics Randy and Simon and talks about song choice. Trained Seal asks Horny Chick why she seems to be cozying up to Captain Jack. Kara immediately denies any attraction to Ryan and then mimics attraction towards Simon to the extent that makes Trained Seal too uncomfortable.

Crystal Bowersox, “Long as I Can See the Light” by Creedance Clearwater Revival: Crystal bats leads off tonight after getting the closer spot last week. I’ll let you speculate as to whether or not her health scare has anything to do it this. Crystal has a twin brother Carl that she thinks is too square. In response to Captain Jack’s comments last week that she sings like a million singers in subway stations Crystal reveals to no one’s surprise that she had in fact used to perform in subway stations in Chicago. This is why Simon has more respect than the other judges, the dude knows his idols. Crystal starts the song with a gospel organ accompaniment, just as she promised in her intro video. She then adds some country twang to the song after the band jumps in. Crystal showed off a fine gravely voice and made the song her own. Nice job. Big Sexy lovers her and then reminds us that “truth is reality.” Little E was scared for her while she was in the hospital but was glad she came back to show off her “pure, raw, natural talent.” Horny Chick thinks Crystal personifies “Americana rock.” Captain Jack apologizes (as he has been known to do every once in a while) for underestimating Crystal and thinks she has become a serious contender like Kelly Clarkson did at this stage of the competition. Crystal flashes two fingers while Trained Seal reads the phone numbers, and then quickly changes to one finger when she realizes that she was on first.

Haeley Vaughn, “The Climb” by Miley Cyrus: Haeley likes to make hair accessories in her spare time and cannot form a mean face for the camera. She seems pretty nervous talking to Ryan and she initially carries that nervousness into her performance. Her nerves tempered a bit when she got to the big note chorus. The cameraman moves up from below and gets dangerously close to the bottom of her mini-skirt. Be careful dude, she is only 17. Her performance had a few decent moments but it was all over the map. Big Sexy wants to keep it real by telling Haeley that is was excruciating. While Haeley takes it with a smile the audience of her peers did not. Ellen compliments Haeley on her smile and gets cheered, and then she declares that she agrees with Randy and gets booed. Horny Chick thinks Haeley has an “Alex Lambert factor” that the other contestants can learn from. Simon wonders what she meant by that. I wonder if she means the “Adam Lambert factor” instead. Horny Chick tries to get serious and tells Haeley that she really needs another year of seasoning before she gets on the big stage. So why my dear did you put her through? How many other contestants did you and your cohorts send home after telling them that they were not ready yet? Captain Jack agonizes over telling Haeley that her performance was a mess, and then when her cohorts boo he asks them what song they were listening to. I've heard that tweeners hear different frequencies than older people, maybe that explains why they heard something different. Captain Jack then tries to be ironic that she fell while singing “The Climb,” which really irritates Trained Seal to the point where he openly challenges Simon to justify the usefulness of the comment. Ryan quickly drops the banter when Captain Jack refuses to reply.

Lacey Brown, “Kiss Me” by Sixpence None the Richer: Oh, so that’s who sings this song. Lacey likes to refurbish antique furniture, and like my dad who likes to refurbish old cars she sells them rather than use them. However, Lacey seems convinced that she is born to do this. Singing, not the furniture thing. Yeah, that is what they all say. Just ask Jermaine, who thinks God wants him to stay on the show. Horny Chick suggested that Lacey sing this song after she butchered the Fleetwood Mac song last week. I must admit that this song does match her voice better than any Stevie Nicks song would. Still, her performance seems lackluster to me. Big Sexy dares to utter the K-word and gets booed. Ellen thought it was adorable and gets cheered. Horny Chick likes Lacey’s “special tone” and the fact that she listened to her and did not choose another depressing song. Still, Kara thinks Lacey needs to step it up. The scary part is that this may be the best that Lacey can do. Captain Jack criticizes Lacey for treating this as a competition and will sing whatever is suggested to her, in other words doing what the judges want.

Katie Stevens, “Put Your Records On” by Corinne Bailey Rae: Katie is embarrassed to tell us that she can say “give me a kiss” in 6 languages. I’m not sure why, she should appreciate that gift because she might lose it one day. I once could count to 10 in 6 different languages, but now I can barely speak one. Katie got criticized for acting too old last week so tonight she chose what she thinks is a more youthful song. She starts with a nice low register, but gets a bit pitchy when she starts shouting. Usually it works the other way around. It was mostly OK but a rather dull song choice. Big Sexy of course disagrees with me and tells Katie that her shouting was better than her singing and that she should use that big voice for bigger songs. Well, I must admit that I agree with the latter comment. Little E still cannot believe that Katie is only 17 but at the same time wants her to be even younger and chose a song that Little E would not hear in her dentist office. Well, I must admit that the dentist thing was a good comment. If Katie sings a Miley Cyrus or Taylor Swift song next week then we’ll know that she was truthful when she said that she listens to the judges. I am not sure she can get much younger than that. “ABC” maybe? Horny Chick is frustrated that Katie seems confused by the contradictory comments from the judges. It is real simple; Katie should stop listening to the judges like all the other contestants are already doing. That’ll clear that up real quick. Captain Jack is frustrated too because Katie is not telling the audience what type of artist she wants to be. Perhaps this is because the judges can’t seem to agree on what type of artist they want Katie to be. Simon advises Katie to do some research to find out which artist she should imitate next week. It likely won’t be any teenage artist, since Katie could not name any when Trained Seal asked her to name just one.

Didi Benami, “Lean on Me” by Bill Withers: In addition to praying before her performance like most of the other contestants seem to do, Didi meows to calm herself down. It sounds like she would be a natural addition to the cast of “Cats”. Didi had to look up “indulgent” after Captain Jack accused her of being that last week. Has see not been paying attention the last 9 years? Didi starts out slurring the lyrics but found a little bit of soul at the end, just a little. She still sounds like Megan Joy Corkrey and acts like Brooke White, which means that she’ll be shoehorned into the Top 12 but will flame out sometime around “Idol Gives Back” week. Randy hated the song choice because it displayed Didi’s weaknesses more than her strengths. It is hard for me to think of a song right now that would do the opposite. Little E thought everything was “great” except for the song choice, which was great but not as great as the other great things. Horny Chick utters the K-word and thinks Didi is missing both consistency and uniqueness, and I think she just uttered an oxymoron. Captain Jack thought it was screeching and got booed by one girl in the crowd who I guess thought her friends would back her up. Not this time, though. Captain Jack shoots the girl a mad glance and Big Sexy accuses her of booing everybody. Didi is on the verge of tears and cannot bring herself to respond to Trained Seal’s comforting comments.

Michelle Delamor, “With Arms Wide Open” by Creed: Michelle thinks that what the judges say is important but that she needs to be true to herself. She should talk to Katie. Michelle wants to create a “wow” moment, so of course she picks a dull Creed song. Then she chooses to sing it in some odd pitch that I bet even the music expert Horny Chick does not recognize. She looks good though. Big Sexy is in one bad mood tonight as he admits to repeating himself with his negative comments. Little E forgot that Michelle was singing a rock song and I think she meant that as a compliment. I forgot that it was a rock song too but I am not so complimentary. Horny Chick liked Michelle’s believability and really likes that she listen to the judges and their confusing comments. Captain Jack agrees with Kara and admits that the judges give confusing comments, but that won’t stop him from spewing them out. He then asks fashion designer Vera Wang, ironically in the audience tonight, about Michelle’s nice outfit.

Lilly Scott, “A Change is Gonna Come” by Sam Cooke: During her Coca-Cola treatment Lilly talks about how she has been working with the Idol vocal coaches to be more of a rock star, and then she mentions in her video how happy she was that Big Sexy recognized her as an indie artist. I think she uttered an oxymoron. Lilly brags about all of the instruments that she can play, though they all look like either a guitar or a keyboard. I am not all that impressed. Now if she pulled out a tuba or an oboe then it would be impressed. Despite being proud of her independence Lilly chooses a song that has been done about a million times on this show. Just like last week, Lilly has scary eye mascara and hair-do to match her scary voice. She was generally in tune and on pitch, though she slurred some of the words. It was OK for what it was. Big Sexy name drops Bjork, Bob Dylan, and Lucinda Williams in quick succession and then for good measure utters the first “worked it out” of the season. What was that about broken records Randy? Little E thinks Lilly has “it” even though she doesn't know what “it” is. Since the last girl who had “it”, Ashley Rodriguez, was sent home last week I wonder how Lilly feels about being tagged. Horny Chick thinks Lilly will inspire all the other “mismatches” out there to try out for Idol. They’re going to need it after Captain Jack leaves. Speaking of the captain Simon thought it was OK but not as good as fellow indie queen Crystal.

Katelyn Epperley, “The Scientist” by Coldplay: This goofy girl is studying to be a recording engineer in case this Idol thing does not pan out. Far from thinking that Horny Chick was a bitch, Katelyn actually listened to Kara and went with a more natural look this week, and for once I think Kara’s comments were highly productive. I am digging the bare shoulder blouse and the mini skirt. I am not so crazy about the singing. Her voice is OK but it is reallllllly…reallllllly…sloooooow. It has to be really hard to stay on pitch when someone is singing that slow because Katelyn is having a hard time trying to do that. Maybe she is focusing too much on her piano playing, even though she is only playing basically three chords. Randy agrees with me so I won’t insult him. Little E was so sleepy that she thought Katelyn was playing a guitar instead of a piano. She also points out to us all that “people can’t vote if they’re asleep.” Now I understand better why the producers jumped the shark and hired her to replace Drunk Chick. Horny Chick thinks Katelyn is kinda hot, and somebody should wake up Casey and tell him that his cougar girlfriend is thinking of trying a different flavor. Captain Jack name drops Natasha Bedingfield and compliments Katelyn by describing her performance as “corny.”

Paige Miles, “Walk Away” by Kelly Clarkson: It used to be that it anyone who tried to sing a song recorded by a former Idol winner was asking for trouble, but these kids today are either fearless or reckless. At least they are not singing as many Whitney Houston songs. Paige likes to color with crayons before her performances. I wonder if she also orders grilled cheese sandwiches from the kid’s menu like that guy in the Carl’s Jr. commercials. Paige starts out rather weak, to the point that the backup singers are drowning her out. She finally starts to find her voice during the bridge. Trained Seal points out to Paige that Horny Chick wrote the song, which I am not sure Paige knew beforehand. At least she pretends like she did not know. Big Sexy liked the performance but thought there were too many words in Horny Chick’s song to show off Paige’s supposedly wonderful voice. Ellen really liked it but made no comment about the song. Horny Chick surprises no one by declaring that Paige could have a hit with that song, though as Captain Jack points out Kelly Clarkson was not able to do that. Horny Chick then pointed out that she wrote the song about an ex-boyfriend that she was pissed off with and that Paige showed bad form by smiling the whole time she was singing it. Maybe if Kelly Clarkson had smiled when she recorded the song then she might have had a hit with it. Simon agrees with Randy and tells Paige that he thinks the songs are overtaking her rather than the other way around. Trained Seal goes back to Horny Chick’s comments about how it was supposed to be an angry song, and asks Paige if she was happy being angry. He also warns Horny Chick’s husband that he has an angry wife in addition to a horny one.

Siobhan Magnus, “Think” by Aretha Franklin: Siobhan adds to her quirky persona by telling us that she gave herself a Mohawk last year after a slip up with her hair clippers. She doesn't want to be predictable so of course she chooses an Aretha Franklin song. She starts out alright but a bit pitchy, then shows some good intonation with the fast moving bridge before finally unveiling the mother of all big notes at the end. I have no idea where that came from. Big Sexy thought the big note was dope and fearless. Little E compares her to a snuggie. She tries to explain her analogy but it was so inconsequential that I did not bother to write it down. Kara can’t get over the big note. Captain Jack thought the big note was terrific but the rest of the song was horrible. Funny what one note can do. Siobhan explains her ability to belt out big notes comes from singing Kelly Clarkson songs in the shower. Maybe Kelly can have a hit with that.

The Final Score: 19 shots at Horny Chick Kara; 17 shots at Captain Jack Simon; 11 shots at Big Sexy Randy; 10 shots at Trained Seal Ryan; 8 shots at Little E Ellen; 1 shot at Ricky Minor and the band, and 6 shots at the audience. 3 references to former Idol contestants, 4 references to Kelly Clarkson, 8 references to other non-Idol performers, and 2 references to Drunk Chick Paula. 1 Coca-Cola treatment, 2 iTunes plugs, 5 name drops, 4 mini-skirts, 4 skirts paired with leggings, 2 pants, 2 K-word utterances, 2 oxymorons, 1 reference to a Broadway musical, and 1 fashion designer shout out. Where is Heidi Klum when you need her?

Your 3 Stars of the Night: Crystal Bowersox emerged from her hospital bed to give the best performance of the night, the second night in row that the leadoff batter defied the producers who like to put the cannon fodder in that slot. Siobhan Magnus gets a shout-out for that big shout-out, and it is a tie for third between Katelyn Epperly’s outfit and Lilly Scott’s mascara.

Idol Gives Back: So much for Ashley Rodriguez being the female favorite coming out of Hollywood Week. I did not expect her to be allowed by the producers to be bounced out so quickly. I was more disappointed than surprised about Janell Wheeler leaving. She was the prettiest girl in the Top 24 and her performance was no worse than any of the other girls last week, so I am at a loss as to why she was given the boot so quickly. It must be those evil tweener girls. Those chicks are going to ruin my batting average this season, I just feel it.

The Fearless Prediction: From my post earlier today: Based solely on who I think should be sent home I predict that Didi and Michelle will be the ones sent packing. I cannot even begin to predict who the tweener girls who control the voting on this show will choose to dismiss, but then again this is supposed to be a "fearless" prediction, right?

A Quick Prediction

I retired for the evening after getting about a third of the way through the recap of last night's show. When my head started bouncing off of the computer screen I took it as a sign that perhaps I should stop typing and pick it up tomorrow. The recap will be posted later this evening, but I wanted to get my fearless prediction out now so that you won't think I'm cheating later.

Based solely on who I think should be sent home I predict that Didi and Michelle will be the ones sent packing. I cannot even begin to predict who the tweener girls who control the voting on this show will choose to dismiss, but then again this is supposed to be a "fearless" prediction, right?

See you tonight.

Dropping Frustration

Just in case the DVR wanted to be uncooperative again I watched the show live, or as live as it gets in the West Coast. But at least I don’t have to stay up past midnight to see the end of the World Series games. I only have to stay up past midnight to type these recaps.

From Hollywood, this is the Ryan Seacrest Show. Trained Seal begins by telling us that the remaining contestants have seen “two of their own sent home.” Ryan then explains why the dudes were on stage instead of the chicks. Girl contestant Crystal Bowersox was taken to the hospital earlier today and was under doctor’s orders not to perform tonight, so to help her get into the Top 12 the producers decided to switch the schedule and pressured the dudes to “agree” to sing tonight instead. Ryan did not bother to say why Crystal was in the hospital nor did he speculate as to whether or not she will be able to perform tomorrow night. As soon as I post this I’ll check the Net and find out. I’m sure somebody has spilled the beams.

Randy and Ellen have switched seats from last week so I guess Little E is a little more comfortable sharing a stage with Captain Jack. I saw some reviews of Ellen on CNN.com and most of them felt that she was too nervous and tense and that she should just be herself. Kind of like the contestants. In reference to Crystal’s absence Trained Seal asks Little E if she ever missed a show, and Ellen tries to be humorous by saying that she missed American Gladiators and Bewitched but not her own show except for the day she spent in the hospital with Ryan. She was so much funnier when she was tenser. Horny Chick is sporting an 80’s style boofy hair-do reminiscent of some of the classic dos her ex-running mate Drunk Chick used to sport. Captain Jack is still holding the company line that the girls are better than the guys this season, though he concedes that the gap is “only a smidge.”

Michael Lynche, “It’s a Man’s World” by James Brown: For the second straight week Big Mike bats leadoff. Michael admits that he is big into musical theater and that he can bench 505 pounds. He wants to prove Simon wrong and be the main event by making an interesting song choice. Michael is as expressive as he was last week but his voice is much better. He is showing some soul for once. He is a little out of synch with Ricky and the band but overall it was well done. Randy gives Mike a standing O. Little E thought the song was “educational,” apparently offended by the song title, but she still liked the song choice. Horny Chick is now finally getting Michael and wonders what he ate that caused him to change so much. In his case that could be a dangerous question. Captain Jack attempts to compare Michael’s transition to that from a pussycat to a lion. I am pretty sure he has used that one before. Trained Seal tries to follow up on Kara’s comment by asking Michael if anything has changed in the last week. Turns out his wife and new baby will be flying out on Friday. He must be pretty confident that he’ll be back next week.

During the first break we learn that NASCAR driver Carl Edwards wants to call Kanye West from his new Ford and that K-Mart has layaway. Hello!

John Park, “Gravity” by John Mayer: John gets the first of three Coca-Cola treatments tonight. Apparently John is a member of an a-capella group at Northwestern called “Purple Haze.” You see, Northwestern’s colors are purple, and… oh forget it. John’s secret is that Korean is his second language instead of English. I’m not sure how secret that is. If he has said that his first language was Farsi, then I would have been more surprised. John promises that tonight he will be “honest and relevant.” Turns out he only batted .500 on that front. His performance was better than last week’s but his voice was too breathy and he had a hard time staying in rhythm with Ricky and the band. Big Sexy thought his performance lacked spice. I thought he was on a diet. Little E wanted more soul, or should I say Seoul (sorry, I could not resist). Kara did not think it was believable enough. Captain Jack thinks John is a goner after his “so what performance,” and Trained Seal quickly challenges him on that comment. In the meantime Horny Chick tells anyone listening to her that all the judges agree with her.

Casey James, “I Don’t Wanna Be” by Gavin McGraw: Casey claims that he never watched Idol before he auditioned, so he wasn't aware that Bo Bice, Elliott Yamin, and Chris Richardson all sang this same song on the show. Casey also claims that he has not watched TV since the age of 7 and that he bought and restored his own house. Now isn't he special, and all this time I thought he was on the show because he was eye candy. Casey also mentions his pre-show ritual but he won’t tell us what it is unless he makes it to the Top 10. Now I really dislike this guy. Casey rocks it out with the electric guitar but his vocals are flat and nasally. If this was America’s Got Talent he would earn 4 stars but this is a singing competition. Big Sexy has apparently forgotten about this and compliments Casey for his Hendrix, Stevie Ray channeling. Little E thinks Casey is there “on paper” but was too stiff on stage. Speaking of stiff, Horny Chick is still a fan but thinks Casey took two steps back and then reminds Big Sexy and Little E that Idol is supposed to be a singing competition. Simon accuses Casey of being a poser and claims that Casey does not have enough grit in his voice. Trained Seal tries to provoke Casey to disagree with Captain Jack’s comments but Casey is too savvy to fall for that. I now question Casey’s claim that he had never seen the show before.

Alex Lambert, “Everybody Knows” by John Legend: During his Coca-Cola treatment Alex admits to Ryan that he was so scared last week that he threw up before the show. Alex has perhaps the most interesting secret of the night; he invented a language when he was in 6th grade. It sounded like a cross between Spanish and Japanese. Alex has his comfortable guitar this week and he sounds a little more confident, though perhaps starting the song unplugged was not the best idea, especially for someone who claims to suffer from stage fright. Alex is better than last week but it is still kind of flat. I am still waiting to hear the great voice the other judges claim that Alex has. Big Sexy bonds with Alex over the language thing and thought he was “way legit tonight.” Little E thought Alex’s ripe banana ripened during the past week and then tries to convince Alex that she meant the banana thing as a compliment. She also compared Alex to “Sam Cooke with a mullet.” Horny Chick thinks everyone would die for Alex’s tone, if only he were not so scared every time he tries to sing. Captain Jack thought it was a million times better than last week and then drops this tidbit of advice: “the only time you should be nervous is if you’re useless.” Words to live by. Simon still thinks Alex is missing a killer instinct. Trained Seal tries to draw that out of him but the best that Alex can muster is a weak “I really want to be here.”

Todrick Hall, “What’s Love Got to Do with It” by Tina Turner: During his Coca-Cola treatment Trained Seal asked Todrick about all of the heat he took last week for monkeying up a Kelly Clarkson song. This week Todrick promises that he won’t be compared to the original artist, and chose a Tina Turner song specifically for that reason. I see, the dude chose a song by a woman so that he would not naturally be compared to the original singer. Can’t fault the logic, even though it makes no sense in reality. Todrick also promises to sing to Ellen’s “baby blue” eyes, even though her eyes are actually hazel. To top it all off Todrick compares himself to Drunk Chick, a singer who can also dance instead of a dancer who happens to sing. Oh deary deary. Todrick’s performance is OK but pales in comparison to the original singer, but then I am not supposed to compare Todrick to Tina Turner. It sounded like a lounge act. Randy liked Todrick’s falsetto but not the “wild arrangement.” Instead Big Sexy wanted Todrick to “just sing” the song rather than change the arrangement. Ellen wanted Todrick to dance more and didn't like the song choice and got booed by the tweeners in the audience. Horny Chick still thinks Todrick is likeable by openly wonders where the Todrick from the auditions went. Perhaps he left with the pants on the ground guy. Simon thought it was a theme park performance and that Todrick has got it all wrong. Trained Seal tries to reconcile Big Sexy’s comment that Todrick was “one of the best that we found” with Captain Jack’s comment that Todrick has got it all wrong. Todrick then asks Ryan why the judges are upset about him changing the song arrangements when they tell all the other contestants that they want them to do just that. Dude, you should know by know that you are playing with fire if you actually listen to the judges’ comments. Except mine of course. I’m straight up with you buddy.

Jermaine Sellers, “What’s Going On” by Marvin Gaye: Jermaine rocks his “onesee,” which I guess is the new name for a one piece pajama. Jermaine then tells us how he could not believe how harsh the judges were last week. He trashed the band during Hollywood Week and then trashes the judges now. This will not score him points with the producers who control his fate. Jermaine turned this classic soul song into a really slow miasmic ballad straight from a wedding reception. He tries to change it up a bit at the end but by then it is too late. Big Sexy is frustrated that Jermaine butchered a Marvin Gaye song. I am just mad. Ellen got cheered for liking the onesee but got booed for saying that the performance did not work for her. These tweener chicks are way too fickle. Kara challenges Jermaine to find the meaning in the songs. As frustrated as Jermaine clearly is to hear this he refrains from challenging Horny Chick to find the meaning to her songs. Captain Jack is also frustrated and disappointed and thinks Jermaine is watering down his songs. In this case he sure did. Jermaine asks the judges to tell him what to sing next week as if that will actually help, and only Little E steps up to challenge by suggesting Maze. Jermaine also challenges the judges to come to church with him on Sunday, supposedly so that they can really hear him sing, and Captain Jack immediately accepts. Jermaine claims to be a God fearing person and that God will ensure that he will be back next week. Jermaine, let me tell ya, God has a plan for all of us, but it is obvious to everyone but you that God’s plan does not involve you sticking around for much longer.

Andrew Garcia, “You Gave Me Something” by James Morrison: For the second week in a row a singer confuses me by selecting a song that I first thought was performed by The Doors. Like everyone else tonight Andrew took in the judges’ comments from last week, a polite way to say that he blew them off. Andrew starts out with a decent imitation of Taylor Hicks but soon thereafter he starts to get a little pitchy and flat. He has a great voice if he ever learns to sing in tune. Big Sexy name drops Jason Mraz and gets booed for pointing out the pitchiness. Little E wants to tattoo Andrew’s name on her neck but then brings up his performance of Drunk Chick’s “Straight Up” again. Horny Chick also brings up the Drunk Chick song and claims that it has been all downhill for Andrew since then. The same could be said for American Idol. Captain Jack is still frustrated with Andrew and wants him to go back to changing up the arrangements, only 15 minutes after he told Todrick Hall not to do that. Trained Seal carries on the Drunk Chick theme by asking Andrew which Paula Abdul song he will sing next week.

Aaron Kelly, “My Girl” by The Temptations: The youngest dude in the competition talked about his love for photography and how awesome he felt after Captain Jack urged Aaron to believe in himself more. This must be the Backstreet Boys version of the song because that is what this performance sounds like. He has a decent voice and there were no major mess-ups but it was not all that impressive. Big Sexy amazingly did not bring up the age thing but got booed for saying that the second half of the song was not very good. Little E channels Captain Jack and says that the performance was forgettable. Now she is trying too hard. Horny Chick makes up for Big Sexy and brings up how much control he has for a 16 year old. Captain Jack thought Aaron was all over the place and, to Big Sexy’s approval, name drops Justin Bieber. Who the heck is Justin Bieber? I looked him up on line and he is one of those evil Canadians like the ones that took our hockey gold.

Tim Urban, “Come on Get Higher” by Matt Nathanson: Since I was already online looking up Justin Bieber and went ahead and did the same for Matt Nathanson since I had never heard of him either. As I said before, part of the reason why I watch this show is to learn about who the kids are listening to these days. I’m proud to say that he is one of us. This is my first opportunity to hear Mr. Urban’s voice and I am not all that impressed. It is decent but he is a bit pitchy. Big Sexy pulls out the K-word for the first time this season and got booed. Little E got booed for saying that Tim would be better off acting on Glee rather than sing on Idol. Horny Chick is frustrated because it is not adding up for her yet. Idol has apparently become a math competition in her eyes. Captain Jack shocks everyone, especially Tim, by saying that he liked the performance and his work ethic after telling Tim last week that he should not even be on the show. Trained Seal embarrasses Tim by asking him why he was exhaling during Kara’s critique. It’s called breathing Ryan.

Lee Dewyne, “Lips of an Angel” by Hinder: After 9 performances of songs that I heard before the last 3 contestants required me to look up the artist online just to find out who they are. Thanks for the education guys. Lee talked about the bad decisions that he made as a youth without going into any details. Dude, if you are going to use your experience to win this contest then we deserve to know what you got busted for. Lee shows off a nice deep voice, one of the few dudes that actually have a deep voice that would sound even better if he stopped trying to shallow the microphone. Big Sexy liked that Lee took chances, basically by choosing a song that was a bigger hit in Canada than it was in the USA. Little E interprets his nervousness as “intensity.” Horny Chick thinks he can sing on the radio right now, as if she would know. Simon thinks that he would be the one to beat if he can only lose the nerves. Trained Seal tries to help out by recommending that Lee get to know the mic stand.

The Final Score: 14 shots at Captain Jack Simon; 12 shots at Little E Ellen; 11 shots at Trained Seal Ryan; 10 shots at Big Sexy Randy; 7 shots at Horny Chick Kara (seriously? Only 7? I thought with that haircut there would have been more); 3 shots at Ricky Minor and the band, and 5 shots at the audience. 6 references to former Idol contestants, 8 references to other non-Idol performers, and 4 references to Drunk Chick Paula. 3 Coca-Cola treatments, 3 artists that I had never heard of before, 2 iTunes plugs, 2 references to old TV shows, 5 name drops, 1 NASCAR driver, 1 church invitation, 1 K-word utterance, and 1 reference to an evil Canadian.

Your 3 Stars of the Night: Michael Lynche defied the producers by being the best of the night even though he went first. Lee Dewyne had a decent voice once he figured out the mic was not a lollipop. Alex Lambert was not all that good but gets the award for most improved performer of the night.

Idol Gives Back: I think I need to have my 7 year old niece help me with these predictions because I clearly do not think like the 10 year old girls who dominate the phone lines. I was surprised that eye candy Tyler Grady was voted off last week, and I was really surprised about the girls who were sent home, which I’ll discuss in my next post. I was not surprised about Joe Munoz because I had no idea who he was.

The Fearless Prediction: Alright, I’ll try this again. I suspect that God has other plans for Jermaine Sellers and so that he will be one of the two dudes sent home on Thursday. Besides, he is starting to annoy me. Any number of dudes can join him tomorrow, but I suspect that Captain Jack is right and John Park will be rejoining his singing group back in Chicago.