The Armchair Idol Judge

So Where Have You Been?

2011-04-07T23:21:00.000-07:00

You may have noticed that I haven't been updating my blog with recaps of the shows this season. For a number of reasons I decided not to do any recaps. Those reasons include:
The judges are boring: Say what you will about Simon, Paula, and even Horny Chick Kara, but they at least made some interesting comments that were sometimes right and most of the time good comic material. There was a reason why Randy had the lowest amount of shots taken at him, he was borrrring. Last season I had to result to count the number of "yo's" he uttered just to get his count up. And now he's the most interesting judge on the panel. Jagger Lite is totally useless as a judge. And J-Lo, man, I had high hopes for her but she just hasn't come through.
It's been nothing but coddling from these three. None of these jokers want to say anything critical to anybody and that has really sapped the life out of the show. So what if the tweeners in the audience boo, what the heck do they know? You guys are supposed to be the music experts, so say something experty. Hell, I'd settle for Drunk Chick incoherence at this point.
And by the way, was anyone surprised that the judges used their magical save so early in the finals? Though I bet they regret saving Casey now with Pia voted off. Serves them right.
The results are predictable: Let's see, there have been 5 eliminations so far. Is anyone surprised that they have all been girls? Trained Seal probably is but he is getting paid millions of dollars by the Idol producers to feel that way. The same thing has happened the last two years, yes both the girls getting early exits and Ryan's faked shock about it.
It is very obvious to me why this happening, just take a look at the studio audience. Outside of the contestant's posses and the occasional celebrity that got comped tickets from Fox, the audience consists of tweener girls and their cougar mothers. And who do these chicks vote for? Cute white guys. And who is left on the show? Two chicks, one African American guy who is likely gay, and 5 cute white guys. The show is now clearly geared towards these tweener chicks (even the commercials) and the producers don't seem to care that the rest of America is watching Kristie Alley trip over herself on Dancing With The Stars.
And before anyone says "what about Casey?" I am convinced that Casey's "save" was a set-up. One of the producer's assistants snitched the next day by revealing that whoever was eliminated that night was still going on the summer tour, despite Trained Seal's claims to the contrary right up until Casey's save. But how could they announce that and make it sound legit? By having the judges "save" the eliminated contestant and then have Trained Seal claim that it was decided long ago to allow a contestant who was saved from elimination from the Top 10 to go on the tour. And if it was predetermined that someone was going to be saved, then the producers could have put anybody in that position since no one was going to be eliminated. So why wouldn't they put one of the dudes there to shock everyone and draw in viewers the next week?
This is just too easy...
I know, I'm sounding like my dad who's never met a conspiracy theory that he didn't like, but this is what the show has come to. I will say though that the producers took a big risk by selecting a guy who's already been in the hospital twice during the competition. I was worried that Casey was going to have a heart attack on live television.
The contestants are copy cats: I swear, I think just about every one of these finalists were separated at birth from a previous finalist. The Haley chick that's on the show now is just like the Haley chick that was on the show a few years ago, complete with the bland singing and the preference for mini skirts. Smilin' Paul McDonald is doing the same act as Smilin' Tim Urban did last year and will probably last as long on the show as Tim did. James Durbin is a blond, and perhaps heterosexual, version of Adam Lambert. I can go on. The African American guy who is likely gay is probably the only one in the bunch that doesn't remind me of another contestant from season's past, which is why I think he has no chance to win.
The mentors are dull: Yes, hearing will.I.am butcher "When A Man Loves A Woman" was entertaining, but Jimmy Iovine is even more boring than Randy Jackson. The rest of the bunch are so dull that I can't even remember their names. The show is clearly not as much fun without tormentors giving out advice that is either ludicrous or so generic that even I could give it. If you are going to have Gwen Stefani dress up the chicks to look like cheap versions of Gwen Stefani then the least the producers could have done was to give Gwen some air time to explain herself and provide fodder for the Idol bloggers to make fun of. Throw us a bone here man!
The audience has left the building: Let's face it, fewer of you are watching the show; even fewer of you are reading the recaps, and the one loyal reader that I knew about passed away earlier this year. My heart is just not in it any more, and I know that I am not alone. One of the VFTW recapers has all but quit on the show, and my compatriot Spasm declared on her Idol blog earlier this week that she is bored and done with the show.
I'll still watch Idol if I'm home and nothing else interesting is on, but I no longer set the DVR to record it, it is no longer appointment television for me, I no longer take notes while watching, I am going to gym on Wednesday nights, and when the Stanley Cup playoffs start I may not bother to watch the show at all if my beloved Los Tiberones are playing at the same time.
So in short, you're on your own. I'm keeping the name though just in case a miracle happens and the show gets interesting enough to recap again. Stranger things have happened.
Case dismissed due to lack of evidence....

Accepting the Case?

2011-01-16T22:00:00.001-08:00

I guess I need to decide pretty soon if I'll be judging Season 10 from my armchair...

I'm still not sure. I'm not all that excited about Steven Tyler as an Idol judge, though I already have a nickname for him. Ladies and gentlemen... here's Jagger Lite! I've never been all that excited about Randy Jackson, though it doesn't surprise me that he was the sole survivor of the great judge purge of 2010. After all, where else would he go? Sole Survivor sounds like a better nickname for him though than Big Sexy. And is there anyone out who gets excited about Ryan Seacrest? Except perhaps Trained Seal himself and my father who still thinks he's trying to kill Dick Clark and take over his New Year's Eve show? Even Ricky Minor left the show just as I was finding more ways to make fun of him.

I will say, though, that J-Lo does show some promise, and her presence alone may be enough to convince me to do another season. I know I enjoyed making fun of her when she was a tormentor a few seasons ago, and now I potentially have 5 months of material to work with....

I will likely watch on Wednesday and take notes, and if it's entertaining enough I'll jot something down here. I won't be a full recap though, there's no way I'm staying up until 2 am writing about an audition show. Perhaps a 1 or 2 paragraph summary will suffice, that is if I can control myself.

We'll see... Of course I'll have to change the side photos...

Case Summary S09-2010

2010-05-31T19:24:00.000-07:00

The longest season in American Idol history, or at least so it seems, is finally over, Just to show how little winning this competition means anymore both winner Lee DeWyze and first runner-up Crystal Bowersox signed recording contracts with 19 Entertainment, the producers of the show. It used to be that only the winner had the guaranteed record deal, though perhaps after first season winner Kelly Clarkson sued 19 Entertainment to get out of her guaranteed record contract the producers would just as soon sign both the winner and the runner-up in case the winner is unable to fulfill his or her duties as the American Idol.

The Season 9 auditions were in Boston, Atlanta, Chicago, Orlando, Los Angeles, Dallas, and Denver. My DVR crapped out on the Denver auditions and I was too busy and/or lazy to recap the Dallas auditions. I heard later that Casey James took off his shirt in his Denver auditions, and I can only assume that Kelly Clarkson was mentioned often in the Dallas auditions because ever since she auditioned for American Idol in Dallas she is always often mentioned every time there are Dallas auditions. Casey was the only auditioner from the Denver auditions to make the Top 12. Tim Urban and Paige Miles both went through the Dallas auditions, though since I didn’t watch them I cannot tell you if they were featured or not. Probably not.

Season 9 began on a somewhat auspicious note as it was announced that Simon Cowell was leaving after this season to work on Idol’s replacement, The X-Factor. Since Captain Jack’s departure was not known at the time the audition shows were taped it made for some surreal moments for the audience, half of whom are too young to know what “surreal” means (then again, I’m not sure about this either). It had already been announced that Ellen DeGeneres was taking the judge seat that Paula Abdul had abandoned after she demanded to be paid more than Ryan Seacrest. No word on what Ellen’s appearance fees for this season were, though since she already has a steady, well paid gig as Oprah’s eventual replacement she probably doesn’t need as much money as Ryan Seacrest.

Season 9 officially began on January 12, 2010 with the Boston auditions. Posh Spice Victoria Beckham served as the guest judge since Ellen was not yet on board. 9,000 contestants gathered in the rain at Gillette Stadium (where the Patriots play) even though the weather magically changed to sunny when the contestants were magically transported from the stadium to a hotel in downtown Boston, at least if Ryan was to be believed. You and I of course know that the truth is very different. Amadeo Diricco invited all of America to his house for dinner, Ashley Rodriguez was told by Simon that she had “it”, eye candy Tyler Grady got a “yes” from Kara before singing a note, Katie Stevens introduced us to her Portuguese grandma with Alzheimer’s, Justin Williams talked about overcoming cancer to appear on the show, and Norbeto Guerrero was told by Simon that he “sang like a 3 year old girl, dressed like LaToya Jackson, you’ve got a beard, the whole thing was just too weird.” I am going to miss him. In addition to Katie Siobhan Magnus came from the Boston auditions, though the producers chose not to feature her, perhaps because she was too weird for them. Funny, that usually guarantees January air time.

Next up where the auditions in Ryan’s hometown of Atlanta, where Idol had been 5 times before and where Clay Aiken auditioned for the show in Season 2. The Empress of Soul Mary J. Blige was the guest judge. I was short on quips that night as the earthquake in Haiti had just occurred. 10,000 contestants came out to try their luck getting past the producers and up to the 27th Floor of the hotel the judges were camped out in. Mary J. thought Jermaine Sellers was “anointed;” Jesse Hamilton talked about almost dying 3 times, accompanied by allegedly funny reenactments by the Idol producers; Holly Harden got a ticket to Hollywood despite dressing up like a guitar; Antonio “Skiiboski” Wheeler got a ticket to Hollywood despite a goofy nickname; The Singing Cop Bryan Walker made it through easily; and Lamar Royal got this piece of psychoanalysis from Mary J: “You have to find some humility in order to do this, and pull back and stop trying to exalt yourself and that’s what you’re doing. You’re running.” Finally, General Larry Platt scored a viral hit with “Pants On The Ground,” which as I predicted was repeated at the season finale. No Atlanta auditioners made it to the Top 12 and only Jermaine Sellers from this group made it to the Top 24.

12,000 contestants came to the Chicago auditions chanting “yes we can” at the urging of the Democrat producers. Shania Twain was the guest judge and the only one who came back later in the season to serve as a tormentor. Katelyn Epperly got a ticket to Hollywood to spite her dad who had just left her family, Amy Lang showed off her dancing boobs, Angela Martin got a ticket to Hollywood for the third and as it turned out final time, and Shania complimented John Park for his “beautiful bottom end” and his “good head.” Neither Season 9 winner Lee DeWyze nor runner-up Crystal Bowersox got any air time during the Chicago audition show, though their audition footage from Chicago magically reappeared during the finale.

10,000 auditioners passed on watching the Space Shuttle launch to come to the Orlando auditions. Guest judge Kristen Chenoweth bonded with Kara and then made a quick exit. Shelby Dressel overcame partial paralysis on the right side of her face and forgetting the lyrics of her audition song to claim a golden ticket, Janell Wheeler got 5 seconds of air time, which was more than what fellow Orlando auditioner Michael Lynche got. The producers more than made up for that during the Hollywood Week shows though. Cornelius Edwards did the splits, Jersey Shore rejects Bernadette and Amanda Desimone begged for tickets to Hollywood, Matt Lawrence talked about his 4 years in prison for robbing a bank with a BB gun, and Jarred Norrell was lead away in handcuffs by the deputy sheriff after Kara compared his singing to a lawn mower. In addition to Michael’s audition Aaron Kelly’s audition was also not seen.

The last auditions that I saw were from Los Angeles, when 11,000 showed up at the Rose Bowl in Pasadena. Avril Lavigne and her jacket with devil horns served as guest judge for Day 1, Katy Perry took her place for Day 2. Neil Goldstein failed to impress the judges with his 168 IQ, Jim Ranger got a ticket despite singing his own composition, Mary Powers looked and sounded like Pat Benetar, Simon thought A.J. Mendoza had just come from the dentist and the anesthetic had not worn off yet, Katy wondered if Austin Fuller was frisked before coming into the audition, Jason Greene gave Ryan his phone number, and Chris Golightly talked about the 25 foster homes he grew up in but neglected to mention the record deal that eventually got him kicked off the show. Andrew Garcia and Didi Benami were the Top 12 finalists who came out of the L.A. auditions.

In total 181 contestants passed the first round of auditions and received a ticket to Hollywood: 32 from Boston, 31 each from Orlando and Dallas, 26 from Denver, 25 from Atlanta, 23 from Los Angeles, and only 13 from Chicago despite Chicago having the most auditioners and the final two contestants.

Hollywood Week was staged at the Kodak Theater as a consolation prize for losing the finale to the Nokia Theater. Ellen DeGeneres joined the show at that point and did not seem too far out of her element. It is amazing what editing can do sometimes. 96 contestants made it past the first round of solo auditions, only to face the dreaded return of the group performances. 71 contestants managed to survive that and got to perform again with the band that kept changing up the contestant’s arrangements. After the traditional breakup of the contestants into rooms 46 of them made it to the chair show, which this season was held at the Kodak instead of the judges’ mansion or some mysterious dance studio in Pasadena. We got to meet Crystal for the first time and Michael Lynche got plenty of air time since his wife was giving birth to his first child while he was there. Andrew Garcia did a “genius” version of Paula’s “Straight Up”, which we were reminded of (as was Andrew) for several weeks after that. Siobhan Magnus belted out a Stevie Wonder song that earned her a spot in the Top 24. Mary Powers was the star of group night and was sent home. Sadly, Angela Martin was sent home too after missing the Top 36 last season because she spend 6 days in jail on a traffic violation. Jessica Furley, the girl from Kansas City with the crazy grandma who was featured during last season’s auditions, was also sent home even though she was convinced that she had “it.” And we finally got to see Lee DeWyze. At least last season Kris Allen got a few seconds of screen time during his audition.

The semi-finals went back to the format from Seasons 4-7 with the chicks and dudes in separate groups of 12 instead of 3 groups of 12 mixed together like they did last season and Seasons 1-3. The chicks went first and immediately Ryan and the judges tried to play up how this season was destined to be a girl’s year. Of course the tweeners and the cougars had other plans. Ashley Rodriguez did a so-so version of a Leona Lewis song and got voted off despite being considered one of the preseason favorites. Janell Wheeler, arguably the best looking chick in the Top 24, tried and failed with a Heart song and was also sent packing. On the positive side silver haired Lilly Scott got kudos for her street performer originality, Katelyn Epperly dressed like a hooker to show that she was young and current, Lacey Brown moved on even though Randy thought her rendition of a Fleetwood Mac song was “terrible.” Simon thought Siobhan Magnus was “a funny little thing,” and told Crystal that she sounded like thousands of other subway singers all over America.

I missed most of the Top 24 dude show when Tyler Grady and Joe Munoz were eliminated. I did see Simon and Michael Lynche argue about Simon’s negative comments, Ellen compare Alex Lambert to an unripe banana, Kara drool over Casey James and his partially unbuttoned shirt, and all the judges bring up the Paula Abdul song to Andrew again.

The Top 20 dudes were asked to perform one day early after Crystal was sent overnight to the hospital for reasons that were never explained (I read later it had something to do with her diabetes). Michael Lynche puts down his marker with “It’s A Man’s World”. Ryan challenged Simon after Captain Jack declared John Park a goner, though 2 days later Simon was proven right. Casey James refused to disclose his pre-show ritual unless he made the Top 10, then of course the poser reneged on his promise when he actually made it that far. Kara thought anyone would die for Alex Lambert’s tone even though he was too scared to show it. Jermaine Sellers rocked his onesee and told Ryan that God would make sure that he would be on the show the next week. Turned out God had other plans. Randy told Todrick Hall to stop changing the arrangements and then 15 minutes later Simon told Andrew Garcia to start changing the arrangements. Simon also told Lee DeWyze that he would be the one to beat if he could only lose the nerves.

Crystal Bowersox came straight from her hospital bed to lead off the Top 20 chick night. After her rendition of CCR’s “Long As I See The Light” Simon apologized for underestimating Crystal as a serious artist and compared her to Kelly Clarkson. Ryan challenged Simon again after Simon thought Haeley Vaughn’s version of a Miley Cyrus song was a mess, and again Simon was proven right when Haeley was voted off the next night. Lacey sung a song suggested by Kara and Simon criticized her for treating this show like a competition and only singing whatever is suggested to her. Katie Stevens could not name a teenage artist. Michelle Delamor committed the cardinal sin of singing a Creed song and got voted off, even though she was the best dressed of the contestants. Siobhan Magnus stunned the judges by breaking out the first of her signature big note screams at the end of Aretha Franklin’s “Think”.

The last semi-final round for the girls began with Simon and Ellen pretending to have sexual tension. Katie Stevens tried to follow the judges’ advice to go younger by singing a Kelly Clarkson song and got criticized for trying too hard to incorporate the judges’ comments. Lacey Brown sang her best performance to date and managed to get into the Top 12. The judges’ sent Katelyn Epperley packing after they criticized her performance of “I Feel The Earth Move” as “very put-on” (Randy), “fell short” (Ellen), “going through the motions” (Kara), and “request night on a Friday night at a restaurant if you worked there.” (Simon). If you ever need a quick example of the differences between the judges, there you have it. Didi Benami’s performance of Fleetwood Mac’s “Rhiannon” was the best of the night. Simon and Randy used Paige Miles’ weak performance of “Smile” to talk about food. Simon declared Crystal Bowersox the one to beat after her performance of Tracy Chapman’s “Give Me One Reason”. Lilly Scott got the closer spot, did a decent job with a Patsy Cline song, and still got voted off, leaving her to wonder what America wants.

My DVR crapped out, thankfully for the last time, for the last semi-final for the dudes so I only saw a few performances. Andrew Garcia tried to relive the past by giving the “Straight Up” treatment to Christina Aguilera’s “Genie In A Bottle”. Kara thought Aaron Kelly’s weak performance of Lonestar’s “I’m Already There” was because he was too young to relate to the song, a comment that Ellen agreed with but Simon thought was rubbish. Todrick Hall got voted off after Kara could not decide whether to laugh or love his singing and dancing performance of Queen’s “Somebody To Love”. Michael Lynche brought the house down and brought Kara to tears when he closed the show with Maxwell’s “This Woman’s Work”, establishing him as the co-favorite with Crystal heading into the finals. Meanwhile Lee DeWyze was just keeping it steady. Alex Lambert was finally sent home after another deer in the headlights performance.

The Top 12 began with Kara telling Jay Leno that she thought a guy would win even though Randy, Simon, and the producers (through their mouthpiece Ryan) all thought a girl would win this season. The theme was songs by the Rolling Stones. There was no mentor since all of the Stones plus Steven Tyler and Joe Perry apparently had other appointments. Ryan seriously got into Simon’s grill after Captain Jack thought Michael’s performance of “Miss You” sounded desperate. Didi claimed that her dark performance of “Play With Fire” was because Siobhan Magnus was her roommate. Andrew’s dad claimed that he thought his son would be a janitor because he liked to jangle keys. Kara wanted to see more intensity in Andrew’s performance of “Gimme Shelter”, leading Simon to ask Kara if she wanted to see Andrew perform in a tank. Katie’s performance of “Wild Horses” finally pleased the judges. “The Comeback Kid” Tim Urban survived another week despite crashing and burning with a reggae performance of “Under My Thumb”. Siobhan brought back the drama and the big scream with “Paint It Black”, a song choice that surprised no one. Simon accused Lee of singing “Beast Of Burden” like he thought the others were better than him. Simon could not believe Randy compared Aaron to Justin Timberlake. Lacey Brown’s over-thought performance of “Ruby Tuesday” lead to her dismissal into Idol oblivion the next night.

The judges played up how the loser from the Top 11 would be denied a slot on the summer tour as if that was a big deal or something. The theme was Billboard #1 hits, and Ryan claimed that there have been 26 songs by former American Idol contestants that have made it to #1. Interestingly none of those songs were sung that night. I was treated to the first tormentor of the season, Miley Cyrus, who was younger than all of the contestants except for Aaron. Tim tried an electric slide during his rendition of “Crazy Little Thing Called Love” and still got no love from the judges and lots of love from the tweeners. Ryan compared Aaron to David Archuleta after Simon thought Aaron had no chance of going home despite his so-so performance of Aerosmith’s “I Don’t Want To Miss a Thing”. Crystal finally did a Janis Joplin song, “Me And Bobby McGee” that Kara and Ellen thought was too reserved but Simon thought was the best version he had ever heard. Miley claimed Michael was her favorite because he was the only one who was not afraid to touch her. The judges reminded Andrew of the “Straight Up” song again after his lost version of “I Heard It Through the Grapevine” failed to inspire them. Kara ranted for the first time about how Simon thought Katie was a country singer, a charge Simon denied. Randy forgot about David Cook and Chris Daughtry and declared Casey James the best guitar player in the history of the show after “The Power Of Love”. Siobhan closed the show with another screaming note at the end of “Superstition” that Randy thought was inspired, Kara thought was amazing, and had Ellen quoting from Oliver. Paige Miles will need a ticket for the summer tour after her train wreck performance of “Against All Odds” got her voted off, and because Ellen was too chicken to criticize Paige she earned her nickname for the rest of the season.

The theme for Top 10 night was R&B and instead of Stevie Wonder or Smokey Robinson as the tormentor we got Usher instead, which was fine with me as I took more shots at him than at any other tormentor this season. Siobhan inspired two rounds of judges’ comments with her exhausting rendition of Chaka Khan’s “Through the Fire”, including comments about her boots, manslaughter, running a marathon, wandering off the trail, and “gilding the lily.” All this led to Siobhan crying backstage and a big sympathy hug from Michael. Usher told Michael that “chicks dig a guy who can play a guitar and sing,” and sure enough the chick judges digged Michael after his silky performance of India Arie’s “Ready For Love”. The judges pulled out all the analogies they could think of to criticize “Teflon” Tim’s weak performance of Anita Baker’s “Sweet Love”, and Tim still just smiled at them. Andrew finally got the judges to stop bringing up “Straight Up” by doing the same thing to Chris Brown’s “Forever”. The judges could still not agree on what type of artist Katie should be after she tried the diva approach with Aretha’s “Think”. Lee finally came out of his shell with “Treat Her Like A Lady”, inspiring a goosebump from me and an accurate prediction from Simon that this performance would change Lee’s life forever. Crystal wore high heels and played the piano for the one and only time this season during “Midnight Train To Georgia” just to be different. All four judges got booed after calling Didi Benami’s performance of “What Becomes Of The Brokenhearted” “flat line,” “dramatic,” “confusing,” and “sounded like you were swimming in jelly.” Take a guess who said the last one. After all that Ryan grilled Didi to tell all of America who she was thinking about when she cried while singing the song to Usher. No wonder Didi had some not so nice things to say about the show after she was voted off the next night.

The Top 9 saw the return of Lennon/McCartney night even though Michael Jackson no longer needed the money (sorry, I could not resist). Sir Paul sent his best wishes from as far away from the studio as he could get. Aaron’s Jedi mind tricks could not prevent the judges from criticizing his rendition of “The Long And Winding Road” as being slow and boring, kind of like a long and winding road. Katie finally showed the country in her voice with “Let It Be” and the judges thought it was her best performance of the season. “Mama Sox” Crystal Bowersox brought out a didgeridoo player for “Come Together”. The judges actually praised Tim’s performance of “All My Loving” and complimented him for taking their previous criticisms like a man. Casey had his most authentic performance to date with “Jealous Guy” and I actually praised him. After Siobhan’s soft singing performance of “Across The Universe” Kara could not comprehend that this was the same chick who unleashed all those crazy, ridiculous screams. Crystal had the line of the season when she said that new BFFs Lee and Andrew should get married and make “Danny Gokey babies.” Michael went away from his usual R&B groove to do a dramatic version of “Eleanor Rigby”, which led him to sing for his life the next night when he was the lowest vote getter. Simon sent Ryan into euphoria when he used the judge’s save and told Michael that he was coming back the next week.

I felt the need to stand up for the King of Rock & Roll when Ryan announced that the tormentor for Elvis week was Adam Lambert. I also wondered what Kris Allen and Taylor Hicks thought about Adam being the first Idol contestant to return as a tormentor. After all, they actually won. Both Kara and Simon thought Tim went from zero to hero with his rendition of “Can’t Help Falling In Love” even though Ellen thought she needed 4 tequila shots to truly appreciate it. Simon thought Lee nailed “A Little Less Conversation” after criticizing Kara for suggesting that Lee show some more playfulness on stage. Siobhan both sung and screamed “Suspicious Minds”, which confused Kara even more and led to an argument between Siobhan and Simon about the judges’ desire to put contestants into specific boxes. After Casey’s boring performance of “Lawdy Miss Clawdy” the judges finally get on Casey’s case for being boring. Andrew crashed and burned when he tried to turn “Hound Dog” into “Bossa Nova Baby” and got voted off. Katie selected “Baby, What You Want Me To Do” to express her frustration with the judges. While the judges appreciated her attitude the tweeners and cougars did not and voted her off along with Andrew.

The Top 7 saw the return of Idol Gives Back week after it was cancelled last season due to lack of inspiration the season before. At least that is my theory. Alicia Keys tormented the contestants with comments about emotion rather than anything having to do with actual singing. Casey selected Fleetwood Mac’s “Don’t Stop” because it was “me being in the song, me being present.” The judges were not impressed. Even cougar Kara, who had been dreaming about Casey all season, accused him of playing “jam band” instead of being sincere. Lee established himself as the dark horse with a bluesy rendition of “The Boxer”. Aaron tried very hard to fit his little voice within R. Kelly’s “I Believe I Can Fly” and only got a C grade for an A effort. Siobhan dared to try a Whitney and Mariah song (“When You Believe”) and told the judges that they were idiots for trying to compare her to Whitney or Mariah. Simon thought Michael’s performance of “Hero” was artificial because the song was about Spiderman. Crystal evoked memories of Jordin Sparks with a tearful rendition of The Impressions’ “People Get Ready” that was the best of the night and in my humble opinion the best performance of the season. Tim Urban survived 2-1/2 hours of pleading for money the next night only to be told that his run of luck was done and he was finally being sent home.

Shania Twain returned for a country night that was dedicated solely to her, “the biggest crossover artist ever.” I imagine Garth Brooks might have taken exception to Ryan’s claim. Randy claimed after Lee’s performance of “You’re Still The One” that it is one of his favorite songs, adding to a catalog that must be close to 1,000 songs. Michael brought Shania to tears with “It Only Hurts When I’m Breathing” even though Simon thought it was “wet.” Casey finally admitted that the judges were right to criticize him for being boring, so he tried something that sounded more sincere with “Don’t!” and got lots of praises from the judges. Crystal started her slide back to the pack with a so-so performance of ”No One Needs To Know”, even though it was an actual country arrangement and gave Ryan fodder to criticize Crystal’s boyfriend. Aaron changed up the sexual lyrics to “You’ve Got A Way” because he sang the song to his mom instead of to a girlfriend, which gave the tweeners reason to power text votes for him. Siobhan Magnus screamed her best big note of the season to no avail as the tweeners selected her to be the surprise dismissal of the season.

The producers finally selected a tormentor with some experience with the theme when they chose Harry Connick Jr. to torment the contestants on Frank Sinatra week. Harry actually went the extra mile by making the arrangements himself, bringing in his own band instead of depending on Ricky Minor and company, and taking a shot at Shania Twain for not doing the same. Harry also exchanged some mildly amusing banter with fellow New Orleans native Ellen. Casey was way out of his league and it showed with his performance of “Blue Skies”. Kara even noticed the goat vibrato that Vote for the Worst.com had been criticizing Casey for all season. Still, it was not enough to convince the cougars to vote him off even though I had predicted that very thing. On the opposite end Michael was in his element with “The Way You Look Tonight”, complete with his Sinatraesque chapeau. The judges all thought Lee was finally believing he could win this season after his gospelesque rendition of “That’s Life”, though just to be sure Kara asked Lee to write “I think I can win this thing” 100 times before next week. Aaron Kelly’s high school musicalesque version of “Fly Me to the Moon”, combined perhaps with Lee’s stronger performance, led the tweeners to finally abandon him and send him home.

The last theme night of the season was a return of last season’s Songs from the Movies night, and the producers thought it would be cool to have Jamie Foxx return to torment the contestants and plug his new movie. During rehearsals of Seal’s “Kiss From A Rose” Jamie got in Lee’s grill like he did to Danny Gokey last season but it did not seem to help Lee as much as it did Danny. The tweener chicks still declared their love for him anyway. Casey sang a Jack Johnson arrangement of “Mrs. Robinson” that the other judges used to make fun of Kara. Jamie urged Crystal to make eye contact with the audience while singing Kenny Loggins’ “I’m Alright” because by doing so would make it no longer a song but a “testimony.” Crystal did not make much eye contact but showed some emotion while battling with Ricky Minor and the Band to be heard. Lee and Crystal rocked the house with a sweet rendition of “Falling Slowly” from the movie Once that started rumors about the two of them dating. Casey and Michael closed the show with the prerequisite Bryan Adams song “Have You Ever Really Loved A Woman”. Before his solo performance Michael refused the “contestant” shirt that Jamie wanted to give him instead of the “artist” shirt that he gave everyone else, but after a performance of “Will You Be There” (from Free Willy) that Kara thought he could do in his sleep and led Simon to make sexually implicit comments about whales and willies Michael probably should have taken the contestant shirt as his dream of making it to the Top 3 was shot down the next night.

When the contestants reached the Top 3 they were finally required to sing two songs, one that they chose and one that one of the judges chose for them. Casey chose “OK, It’s Alright With Me” by Eric Hutchinson because he thought it best represented him as an artist, and after his dull, monotone, and boring performance I agreed that this song probably did represent him as an artist. The judges more or less agreed with me. Casey gave the same treatment to “Daughters” by John Mayer, selected by Randy and Kara because they wanted him to sing a sincere song about women and girls. Crystal made a bid to be part of next year’s Lilith Fair tour by selecting a Melissa Etheridge song that was honest though a bit flat. Crystal’s emotions finally appeared when she sang Ellen’s choice of Paul McCartney’s “Maybe I’m Amazed”, showing parts of her voice that Kara had never heard before and Simon thought Crystal would be thanking Ellen for drawing out and getting her to the finale. Lee made a bid to be part of a legends of rock tour next year by selecting Lynyrd Skynyrd’s “Simple Man” that was a little pitchy but a lot more emotional than Crystal’s. Lee then surpassed Simon’s expectations when he took the clichéd song that Simon chose for him, “Hallelujah”, and made it his own. I even felt a goosebump. Lee may have won the competition right then and there, especially since Casey James was eliminated and left all the chick votes for Lee.

The grand finale at the Nokia Theater featured 3 performances each from Crystal and Lee, one song that they had already sung this season, one selected by uber-producer Simon Fuller, and one selected to be their first single that was thankfully not written by either Kara or entrants in a songwriting contest. Lee started with “The Boxer” that was much more tentative than his earlier performance of the song because his nerves came back with a vengeance. Lee’s next performance of R.E.M.’s “Everybody Hurts” didn’t have enough emotion for the judges’ taste. His final performance of U2’s “Beautiful Day” was not much better than the other two, but instead of criticizing him for that the judges instead complimented Lee for his growth this season and for being such a nice guy. Crystal brought back “Me and Bobby McGee” and unlike Lee she poured on the emotion, especially at the end. The emotions changed to sassiness when she sang Allanah Myles’ “Black Velvet” in high heels. Kara thought Crystal killed herself on that stage and Simon was happy that someone had finally nailed a song that he had heard butchered hundreds of times in auditions all these years. Crystal closed the show with an emotional rendition of Patty Griffin’s “Up to the Mountain (MLK Song)” that Randy thought was one of the best performances ever and Kara thought finally brought down the emotional wall Crystal had allegedly built around herself. Ellen promised to buy any salad that Crystal made, and in his last American Idol critique Simon simply declared it “outstanding.” Crystal clearly sensed that Lee had all the momentum coming into the finale and gave it everything that she had and then some, but it was not enough to overcome the tweener and cougar vote as Lee was declared the winner of American Idol Season 9.

The Final Score: 207 shots at Captain Jack Simon; 196 shots at Horny Chick Kara; 189 shots at Trained Seal Ryan; 170 shots at Big Sexy Randy; 147 shots at Chicken Little E Ellen; 37 shots at Ricky Minor and the band, 106 shots at the audience, and 80 shots at the tormentors led by Usher with 21 and Miley Cyrus and Shania Twain with 13 each. There were 86 references to former Idol contestants, 161 references to other non-Idol performers, 47 references to Drunk Chick Paula, 30 Coca-Cola treatments, 16 iTunes plugs, 44 name drops, 13 K-word utterances, 152 yos from Big Sexy (not counting the ones he uttered during the semis), and 6 goose bumps.

Your 3 Stars of the Season: Crystal’s performance of “It’s Alright” during Idol Gives Back week still solicits goosebumps in me just by thinking about it, but then again I’ve always been a sucker for songs by The Impressions. Lee first established himself as a contender with “Treat Her Like A Lady” during R&B week and solidified it with his performance of “Hallelujah”. Once again Simon gets kudos for selecting a song that brought out the best in a contestant. Honorable mentions to Siobhan Magnus for her wild and spooky version of “Paint It Black” and to Andrew Garcia for his rendition of “Straight Up” during Hollywood Week that really was genius even though this was beaten to death by the judges.

Idol Gives Back: Let’s be honest, I suck at reading the minds of tweeners and cougars. I finished with a record of 10-12, not even getting to .500. Usually I clean up during the semis and take a beating during the final 12 since the tweener/cougar vote is not as influential then, but this year I was only 5-5. I didn’t help that my DVR crapped out during two of the dude nights. In the finals I like many predicted Tim Urban’s departure twice before he left, but Casey James hurt my average more than Tim or anyone else as it took 4 predictions before he finally left. On the plus side I did correctly predict the departures of Jermaine Sellers, John Park, Alex Lambert, Paige Miles, Didi Benami, and eventually Casey James. I am particularly proud of my Didi prediction because that was the only week that I correctly predicted the entire bottom 3 (her, Katie, and Tim) and the Clash of the Titans promo.

The Fearless Predictions: And now the moment you have all read this lengthy post just to get too, my fearless predictions for the future of the Top 12:

Lee DeWyze will release an album that will tank and then enjoy a modest career on the county fair circuit as the new lead singer of Chicago.

Crystal Bowersox will be part of Lilith Fair 2011 and then make a Jason Castro baby with her goofy boyfriend, or perhaps with Lee.

Casey James will bring his special form of blues to the Circle M every Saturday night. Girls who bring panties will get in for half price.

Michael Lynche will become the new spokesperson for GNC and sing the Season 11 (and final) Idol going home song.

Aaron Kelly will land a recurring role in Glee.

Siobhan Magnus will record a duet with Adam Lambert, marry into a rich Cape Cod family, and become the rich but eccentric aunt that we all wish that we had.

Tim Urban is already in Las Vegas gambling that his run of luck will transfer to the craps table.

Andrew Garcia will fulfill his father’s dream and become the lead janitor for the Los Angeles Unified School District. The kids will love his appearances as the singing custodian during their holiday pageants.

Katie Stevens will have a moment of inspiration and realize that Simon was right and that she can make millions as a country singer.

Didi Benami will return to Tennessee and find steady work at Dollywood, which she will use as a platform to tell the world what a terrible judge of talent the Idol judges are.

Paige Miles will discover the singing voice that the judges kept claiming was there and use it to join the cast of the revival of Dreamgirls.

Lacey Brown will call Megan Joy Corkrey and tell her that the judges were right to pick Megan over her last season.

The Armchair Idol Judge will return to the gym on Tuesday nights, spend more quality time with the judge’s significant other, and...

And...

Well, the jury is still out on whether I will recap Season 10. Without either Captain Jack or Drunk Chick to take shots at American Idol is bound to be a lot less interesting and a lot less worth my time and lost sleep to write about, especially since my time has become much more valuable in the last year (and sleep is always valuable, ask your doctor). My comrade in arms Spasm has already decided to close her American Idol blog (and she’s been doing this for far longer than me) and even the Vote for the Worst guys are talking about not coming back, though they have vowed to follow Simon over to The X-Factor.

Another factor is that the hit count to this site is about 1/3 of what it was last season. I don’t know if that is because of the general apathy about the show that has caused Idol’s TV ratings to drop or if it is because I lost my audience after not bothering to recap the Hollywood Week shows. If fewer of you are reading then the lesser my motivation there is to writing. I’m not getting paid for this you know. And let’s be honest, the producers of Idol don’t care about me because I am not a 13 year old girl or the mother of one.

Still, I will likely miss sharing my snarky comments about American Idol with the rest of the universe. I think I will wait and see who the producers select to replace Captain Jack and perhaps watch a couple of the audition shows next January and then decide. So I guess we’ll all find out together then.

Case dismissed.

Stick a Fork In It Cuz It's Done

2010-05-27T21:29:00.001-07:00

A few thoughts on the finale, since I don't recap results shows...

While I thought Lee deserved to be in the Top 2 and he seems like a genuinely nice guy, I am a little disappointed by the result. It's because once again the best singer did not win a singing competition. I think I got caught up in the moment Tuesday night when I predicted that Crystal would win since she clearly cleaned Lee's clock (or perhaps it was just the lack of sleep) because on Wednesday I began thinking that is was more likely that Lee would win because all of the cougars and tweeners that had been splitting their vote between Lee and that poser Casey James were all going to vote for the cute (and I believe single) dude over the more talented chick. Just like last season...

I was glad to see Drunk Chick return to the Idol stage last night, though I bet I was not the only person at the edge of my seat wondering what Paula was going to say on live television...

Just as I had predicted the pants on the ground guy made an appearance in the finale. I was surprised to see William Hung join him though. I cannot believe that 6 years after a 20 second appearance on a audition show Hung is still making public appearances...

Too bad they didn't let the Birdman sing his Simon tribute song. Brothers forever, man...

Season 7 winner David Cook's absence from the Simon tribute was pretty glaring considering all of the other Idol winners were there. I read that Fox claimed that Cook had a conflicting charity event Wednesday night, which sounds all well and good until you wonder why Cook would schedule something on the same night as the finale that as a former winner he would likely be asked to attend. Also makes you wonder what charity would hold an event the same night as the Idol finale...

Interesting how after bringing in a bunch of young mentors like Miley Cyrus and Alicia Keys the producers went all old school in the finale with Janet Jackson, Chicago, Alannis Morrisette, Bret Michaels, Michael McDonald, The Bee Gees, and Alice Cooper. I think Christina Aguilera was the only non-Idol performer who wouldn't remember watching the first moon landing...

Any idea who the guy in the hat was that tried to have a Kanye West moment? Beats me who he is...

I'm no fan of Dane Cook but his song was way too short...

One nice byproduct of all of the Simon tributes was that they didn't have those stupid awards again, nor did we have to see Horny Chick sing in a bikini...

I don't know why they bother to have "hosts" for the live remotes from the Top 2's home towns. Really, have any of them ever said anything informative?...

Am I the only one who thinks that Janet Jackson looks much better with longer hair? I would make a snarky comment about her age except that she is the same age as me...

Trained Seal was right, if it weren't for Simon Cowell American Idol would not be the show it is today. He was the one that brought the viewers in, the one that set American Idol apart from Star Search and all the other talent shows that occupy the vast TV wasteland. He was also the one who gave Gordon Ramsey a career on TV and rescued Paula Abdul and David Hasselhoff from total oblivion, but that is another story. He was the reality check, the splash of water to the face, the gatekeeper, the one who spoke for us. He was not afraid to tell a bad singer that they were bad, a refreshing change in this age of helicopter parents and coddled kids. Since Captain Jack was so found of analogies I found one on the web that seems oh so right, he was the dragon that had to be slayed to get to the pot of gold...

In case you wonder why I refer to Simon as Captain Jack first click on this link and scroll down to the recap of Carly Smithson's performance of "Blackbird", and then click on this link and scroll down to the recap of David Cook's performance of "Little Sparrow", or just click on this...

Since I didn't bother to recap some of the audition shows or any of Hollywood Week I will have a shorter than usual season recap posted in a week or so that will include my award winning fearless predictions of what lies ahead for the Top 12...

The Final Voyage of Captain Jack Sparrow

2010-05-26T00:22:00.000-07:00

We have finally reached the grand finale of Season 9 and not a moment too soon. Every year at this time I feel like it has been years since the first audition shows back in January. Funny that time never seems to run that slow for everything else in my life. If time flies if you have fun, what does that say about this show? I am afraid to learn the answer...

For the first time since I began recapping Idol back in Season 5, I believe that the final 2 contestants were truly the best 2 performers this season. In past seasons there was usually at least 1 contestant in the finale who was there because of looks, or age, or gender, or anything else besides singing. Since this is supposed to be a singing competition it is comforting to see that the producers and the tweener chicks finally got it right this time.

“What does it take to be an Idol?” we are asked to start the show. “Is it just luck, or is it something else?” Well, there is looks, age, gender... You get the idea. 7,000 screaming family, friends, and tweener chicks are in the Nokia Theater at LA Live for this season’s final show. Trained Seal strides down the stairs imported from the old studio and marvels that tonight’s finalists both came from the Chicago auditions, both are 24 years old, and both are “in it to win it.” Ryan also acknowledges that this week is Captain Jack’s final week on the show, which gets acknowledged again and again throughout the program. Funny how there were no similar acknowledgements and tributes for Drunk Chick when she left the show last season.

Speaking of the Angel of Death, rumor has it that Paula will make a return appearance during tomorrow’s results show as part of an all star tribute to Captain Jack’s bon voyage. Didn't Drunk Chick appear on Barbara Walters’ show last year and claim that Simon was part of the vast Idol conspiracy to discredit her and drive her to drinking? And now she is coming back to say goodbye to him? Perhaps it is also to promote her new CBS dance reality show that will debut next year. That is all we need, another goofy dance show across the hall.

Tonight the two finalists will actually have to sing three songs instead of two. Song one is their favorite from this past season, song two is chosen by unseen uber producer Simon Fuller, and the last song is one that will be their first recorded single/slave task for uber producer Clive Davis. In past seasons the final two also had to sing a song of their choice that was always a song they had already sang this season, but this is the first time that Trained Seal actually admitted that they had to choose a song they had already performed rather than leave it as an implied coincidence. Must be because Simon is leaving. Another welcome change is that the last song is not the weak winner of a goofy songwriting contest nor is it a weaker song written by Horny Chick, the song writing expert. Instead it is an actual song recorded by actual artists that will be subjected to the same karaoke treatment that every other song sung this season has been subjected to. I can only imagine what special things the producers will do when Big Sexy finally decides to get out of his chair and start his own reality competition with a three judge panel.

Alright, let’s get this started. The phone lines are open for 4 hours tonight and my goal is to complete this recap before the lines are closed, in case there is someone out there who is actually paying attention.

Lee DeWyze, “The Boxer” by Simon and Garfunkel, from Idol Gives Back Week: Tonight instead of Coca-Cola interviews from Trained Seal we get Coca-Cola videos featuring the parents. Lee’s parents tell us that he wanted to be a shortstop when he was a kid but after getting a guitar all he wanted to do was sit around and write songs, some of which his parents still have. That is so sweet; they probably have them taped up to the refrigerator. Lee starts the song very slow and subdued and he more or less stays there for the entire song. His vocal was just OK except for the second verse where the phrasing seemed sloppy to me. I seem to recall his first attempt at this song was better. Big Sexy, wearing his traditionally purple finale coat he stole from Prince’s closet, utters 5 yos and thought it was nice but not very energetic and gets booed for his troubles. Chicken Little E could not be prouder if she had given birth to Lee. It truly is a different world, isn't it? Horny Chick agrees with Randy but does not get booed because she thinks Lee is meaningful and believable. Captain Jack expected more emotion and, in his final analogy of his Idol career, compared it to a kiss on the cheek when he was expecting a kiss on the lips, though of course not from Lee. The producers turn on the bumper music to cut Captain Jack off from saying anything more candid and personal.

Crystal Bowersox, “Me and Bobby McGee” by Janis Joplin, from Top 11 #1 songs week from so long ago: In her Coca-Cola video Crystal’s dad talks about how she started singing after rummaging through his closet looking for Christmas presents and finding his guitar instead. Good thing he stashed his Playboys somewhere else. Crystal also talks about how her first gig was in a coffee house in a mall, the first of thousands of appearances in coffee houses all over the upper Midwest. Crystal’s acoustic start seemed a bit rushed, though she seemed to get more on pace when the audience started their now customary overhead clapping. Crystal is verrrry sloooooowly building up to the big screaming finish, but when she finally got there Crystal poured on the emotion. That alone puts here ahead of sleepy Lee. Big Sexy utters 1 yo, repeats what I said about the slow build up, but thought it was “dope, dude.” Crystal too is just one of the guys. Chicken Little E thinks that Crystal is compelling and stunning. Horny Chick thinks Crystal told us so much about what type of artist she will be, which is convenient since Horny Chick could not figure out what type of artist any of these contestants should be. Captain Jack thinks Crystal has not been herself for the past month but that she finally went back to the type of artist that he fell in love with way back when.

Lee DeWyze, “Everybody Hurts” by R.E.M., chosen by Simon Fuller: The tweeners, perhaps sensing a potential rout in the making, start screeching for Lee right from the first note. Again, Lee is more or less in tune though slightly off pitch, though he is more spirited than his first performance. Again the producers send out a choir to help boost Lee’s confidence and hide his singing voice. Is it just me, or is Lee’s voice weaker now than it has been this season? I hope his nerves are not acting up again after spending the last 3 months trying to suppress them. Again, it was just OK. Big Sexy utters 1 yo, compliments Lee for showing more emotion, and declares that Lee pulled it together after starting out pitchy. No boos this time. Chicken Little E doesn't care that Lee went off a couple of times because it is all about the performance. She finally has an actual criticism when she tells Lee that he kept building up the emotion but kept pulling back too soon, something Horny Chick probably knows all too well. Horny Chick did not think this was Lee’s best vocal but she still feels emotionally accessible to Lee, right after Casey dumped her because of his elimination. Captain Jack thought the other Simon made a brilliant song choice but that Lee was off the melody at times. He thinks Lee is getting nervous again and all but begs him to sing better when he does his last song.

Crystal Bowersox, “Black Velvet” by Allanah Myles, also chosen by Simon Fuller: The other Simon must not have turned on a radio since the 80’s given his song choices. Crystal starts the song at the top of the stairs and actually manages to make it down while wearing high heels and singing at the same time. She might be chewing gum too. Crystal is in full sassy mode, abandoning the coffee house emo for lots of shouting, including not one but two big screams reminiscent of her former roommate Siobhan Magnus. Still, it is clear that she is giving it all she has left. Big Sexy utters 2 yos, 2 “mamasoxes,” and thinks she is in it to win it again. Chicken Little E strains to make a joke about Cher and costume changes. Horny Chick thinks that tonight “is the night to kill yourself on that stage.” Somewhere in Fox Tower there is probably a programming exec who right now is calculating the ratings boost a live suicide would bring. Thank goodness that Crystal doesn't follow the judges’ advice because I would be really sad to see her go that way. Captain Jack talks about how much he hates this song because of all of the Idol auditioners who have butchered it over the years, so he is really impressed with how well Crystal nailed it. Trained Seal gets Crystal to admit that she is shaking on stage but also allows her to send a shout-out to the folks way in the back, over by the Staples Center.

Lee DeWyze, “Beautiful Day” by U2: This is supposed the song that Lee will first record if he wins the competition, though Trained Seal neglects to mention who selected the song. I guess it depends on how well Lee sings it. If he sings it well it was Clive Davis’ choice, if he does not then it was clearly Lee’s choice. This time instead of a choir Lee is surrounded by an army of standing violinists, though as usually I cannot hear any of them over the rest of the band. This is a song with some very difficult phrasing, especially at the beginning, and Lee is struggling with it big time. Lee is also struggling with finishing his verses, almost as if he has forgotten the words. His pacing around the stage is not helping his efforts. He is trying very hard to fit this song within his style and it is not quite working very well. Lee finally settles down when he gets to the chorus when he stops walking and starts shouting. Not quite the high note finish he and his tweener fans were hoping for though. Big Sexy utters 2 yos, admires Lee for walking out of his comfort zone by walking and singing at the same time, and admires Lee’s groovy “’strong big rock voice.” Chicken Little E wonders how Lee feels and thinks he is fully present. Horny Chick gets booed for accusing Lee of getting lost in the song and quickly tries to stop the booing by talking about how much Lee has grown this season and deserves to be in the finale. Captain Jack quickly mentions that Lee made the most as he could with the song, and then he just wants to say that it was because of guys like Lee that American Idol was created; well that and all the money American Idol has put in Captain Jack’s pockets. Trained Seal asks Lee for his final thoughts, and Lee bumbles a bit about how he wants to do this for the rest of his life.

Crystal Bowersox, “Up to the Mountain (MLK Song)” by Patty Griffin: After two shouting numbers Crystal closes the show with a slower, acoustic song with her signature guitar. The producers finally allow someone else besides Lee to use the choir. One of these days the producers will actually turn on their microphones. There is some shouting from Crystal in this song as well but not as much as the other two performances. As usual Crystal stays in tune and on pitch and closes the season with a tear in her eye. Big Sexy utters 1 yo and thought it was one of the greatest performances ever. Chicken Little E thinks Crystal is unique and unlike any contemporary artist in the business. I guess Ellen has not been to a coffee house recently. Ellen also promises to not only buy Crystal’s album but to buy any salad she would make too. Horny Chick thinks Crystal was amazing because she finally brought down the emotional wall she built around herself and started shouting instead. Horny Chick loves the screaming chicks. Before he has a chance to say anything Crystal thanks Captain Jack for his criticisms and for his service to Queen and country. Captain Jack declares this performance to be the best of the night, and in his final American Idol critique ever Simon says “that was outstanding” and nothing more. Trained Seal asks Crystal to sum up her ride this season, and Crystal is beside herself, and Ryan, and says that she is now ready for anything.

Trained Seal closes the show by admitting that he will miss his bromantic partner Simon and that the show would not be here without him. For example, Trained Seal would be a morning DJ somewhere in Ohio or something instead of the multi-millionaire media mogul he is today. This season’s flashback video is accompanied by the goodbye song by British Pop Idol winner Will Young. Sadly the producers show us more of the audience and Will than the video. Even the pants on the ground guy gets the shaft.

Next week the continuation of Hell’s Kitchen gets this time slot. Don’t worry, my sweet, I won’t be recapping it.

The Final Score: 13 shots at Captain Jack Simon (who I will miss even more than Paula ;-(; 9 shots at Horny Chick Kara; 7 shots at Trained Seal Ryan; 6 shots at Big Sexy Randy; 6 shots at Chicken Little E Ellen; 3 shots at Ricky Minor and the band (plus the choir), 6 shots at the audience, and 3 shots at the other Simon. There were 4 references to former Idol contestants, 3 references to other non-Idol performers, and 5 references to Drunk Chick Paula. 2 Coca-Cola video treatments, 2 iTunes plugs, 1 summer tour plug, 1 name drop, 1 K-word utterance, 12 yos from Big Sexy, 2 Mamasox utterances, 2 uber producers, 2 coffee house references, 2 instances of walking and singing at the same time, 1 suggested suicide, 1 more goofy dance show, 1 final Captain Jack analogy, another choir appearance, and no goose bumps.

Your 3 Stars of the Night: Crystal brought her A-game tonight and outclassed Lee on all three rounds. Usually Captain Jack declares a winner after each round but out of respect for Lee he refrained from even coming close to do so tonight. He is so ready to leave.

Idol Gives Back: Thank you to all of the cougars who finally realized this is a singing competition and not a Mr. America pageant, or else you might not be reading this right now. Not that Casey was that bad of a singer, but he was nowhere near the same class of singer as either Crystal or Lee. I feel better now that the poser is gone.

The Fearless Prediction: Based on tonight’s performances alone Crystal should be the clear winner, but then there is the tweener chick and cougar vote to contend with and judging from the screeches in the audience they seem to favor the dude over the chick, similar to what they have been doing all season. And if you have been following my blog all season you know how bad I have been at predicting how they think. So rather than try and read their minds I am instead going to go with my gut and predict that Crystal Bowersox will be the American Idol for Season 9.

Amazed To Be In It To Win It

2010-05-18T23:17:00.000-07:00

I noted a couple of seasons ago that the Top 3 night is probably my favorite week of the Idol season. I have to admit that I enjoy the videos of the last three contestants making their triumphant tours of their hometowns. I know, I am such a softie.

The other reason I love this week is because this is the week that the judges get to choose one of the contestant’s songs. It not only provides a window into what the judges think of the contestants, it also provides a window into the judges themselves. Last season when Horny Chick was surprised to learn that Captain Jack actually spent time with Adam Lambert rather than just choosing the song and hitting the beach, it clearly showed who gave a damn and who was just collecting the check and the fame.

I have said many times this season how much I miss Paula Abdul, but no more so than this week. I did some research last season and found out that Drunk Chick had never selected the song for the eventual winner. The contestant that she selected the song for was either drummed out the next night or the next week, implying of course that Paula’s song choice had something to do with it. This was certainly true in Season 5 when the Angel of Death selected some lame Donny Hathaway song for Elliot Yamin while Captain Jack chose “Over the Rainbow” for Katherine McPhee. Both did fine with their performances but, in one of the closest votes in Idol history (at least that is what Trained Seal claimed at the time), Elliott was voted off the show. Coincidence? I don’t think so. That is why when the Angel of Death selected Danny Gokey’s song last season I was so certain that he was going to get voted off, and so he was. Of course now with Drunk Chick hanging out in some bar instead of the judges table I suspect it will be a lot harder to determine who will be sent home tomorrow without having to actually listen to the performances.

Again so Fox can showcase Glee the contestants only have to sing two songs tonight instead of three, one they choose and one the judges choose. That means again that Clive Davis, once a fixture of these Top 3 shows since his company gets the first born and right arm of the winner (otherwise known as a “recording contract”), can extend his boycott of the show. That apparently will not be the case next year, as Fox has announced that the performance shows will revert back to 90 minutes and the result shows will revert back to 30 minutes. Not that it matters to me since it is 50-50 I will be recapping Season 10.

Trained Seal seems on speed tonight as he is way too enthusiastic when introducing the audience, the judges, and the contestants on this, “the fight for the finale.” Let’s get ready to rumble!

Cool, Texas’s Casey James, “OK, It’s Alright with Me” by Eric Hutchinson: Casey says that he chose this song because he thinks it best represents him as an artist. He starts a little off pitch but quickly recovers. The song has a catchy beat; I tapped my feet the whole song. However, Casey’s vocal was dull, monotone, and boring. I agree, this song probably does best represent him as an artist. At least he kept the goat back at the farm. Big Sexy utters 1 yo but did not think that the song worked because it was too safe. The audience cannot muster enough energy to boo so they only murmur. Chicken Little E thinks that “this is the moment” to “live or die,” and that Casey did not quite reach that moment, though of course he is still great. Horny Chick criticizes Casey for choosing a song that no one has heard of since “you can’t take it to the next level and make it your own.” I guess Horny Chick has been so blinded by Casey’s golden locks that she has not noticed that Casey has been selecting little known songs all season and not making them his own. Never mind that she, and all the other judges, usually criticize contestants for choosing songs that everyone has heard of because they cannot make them their own. Captain Jack compares Casey’s performance to the salad before the dinner because something better will be coming later. Simon then pours on the analogies by claiming it sounded like someone buskering for a couple of dollars. Thanks to Captain Jack using that term last season on forgotten contestant Brett Smith I now know what “busker” means so I do not have to look it up. Trained Seal reminds us that tonight we get a two-course meal, whether it is dessert or a plate of vegetables remains to be seen.

Elliston, Ohio’s Crystal Bowersox, “Come to My Window” by Melissa Etheridge: During her Coca-Cola treatment Crystal tells Trained Seal that she chose this song because it is one of her favorites since it talks about passion and love. She also thinks having fun is the most important thing tonight; oh there is that winning the competition too. Crystal brings back the Neil Young harmonica along with her souvenir guitar and crystal mic stand, and brings in a bit of a country twang to the song. Crystal shows a lot more range and emotion than Casey did even though the songs have somewhat similar arrangements. Just an OK singing performance though. Big Sexy utters 1 yo, 2 heys, gets booed for disliking the arrangement and tries to get cheers by claiming to like the vocal. Chicken Little E thinks Melissa Etheridge would be proud. Horny Chick agrees with the “guys” again and thought that Crystal got lost in the arrangement but still sang it well. Captain Jack was not impressed by the singing but lauds Crystal for an honest performance and for not compromising the entire season, unlike the poser who preceded her. Trained Seal plays reporter and wants to know how Crystal feels as if she just survived a train wreck. Crystal claims to be elated.

Mount Pleasant, Illinois’ Lee DeWyze, “Simple Man” by Lynyrd Skynard: I do not recall any Top 12 Idol contestant ever singing a Skynard song before. Not even Adam Lambert took them on. A Lynyrd Skynard theme would be cool only if someone dared to sing “Free Bird”, or perhaps “That Smell”. After quickly dropping an iTunes plug during the Coca-Cola treatment Trained Seal claims that Lee is a changed man since returning from his hometown tour. Lee talks about how he can relate to the lyrics of the song, I guess because he is a simple man, but I could not hear exactly why because some screeching tweener chicks drown him out. His first notes are somewhat strained, both his vocals and the ones from his guitar. The second lyric is a little better. The chorus is a little flat vocally but Lee’s emotions are clearly on display. He is giving it his all. Lee waves at Ricky and the band at the end of the song; either that or he is flipping them the bird. I cannot tell for sure. Big Sexy utters 1 yo, thought it was a brilliant song choice, and thinks Lee is in it to win it. Chicken Little E thinks that is what we are talking about and talks about how Lee has grown from a baby lamb to a gazelle, or an impala, or (Big Sexy’s choice) a jaguar. Horny Chick commends Lee for sharing everything he has with us. Captain Jack asks Lee why he chose this song. I guess he was not listening when Trained Seal asked him the same question a few minutes ago. To be sure Lee repeats what he said before. Unlike what usually happens when Captain Jack asks these types of questions, Simon thought that Lee “absolutely nailed it” and crushed the other two contestants. Lee waves to the crowd and Trained Seal forces him to admit that the wave “has meaning.”

Casey James, “Daughters” by John Mayer, selected by Big Sexy and Horny Chick: For the second straight year Horny Chick, the self-proclaimed songwriting expert, is not trusted with selecting a song by herself. Trained Seal asks Big Sexy why he, and not we, chose this song for Casey. Randy talks about the John Mayer box that he wants Casey to fit into, I guess because he was not enthused about the box Casey selected for himself earlier. Horny Chick wants to fit Casey into the emo box again and urges Casey to sing to his audience, “women and girls.” Anyone who still wonders why Casey is still in the competition should have no doubt any more. It’s the audience stupid. Randy may be on to something here because Casey does sound a bit like John Mayer with this song. After a bunch of ballads the tweeners have finally started waiving their arms. Much like Casey’s first performance it is rather monotone and dull. Even the self-indulgent guitar solo left something to be desired. While Crystal and Lee are singing like it is the most important night of their lives Casey is singing like he is back at the Circle M. Still, it was better than his first song. Big Sexy utters 1 yo and compliments himself for choosing a song that fit Casey so well. Chicken Little E thought it was beautiful. Horny Chick also compliments Randy, I mean her and Randy, for the song choice because it showed Casey’s sympathetic side that he has otherwise struggled with like a poser usually does. Captain Jack thought Big Sexy’s song choice was better than Casey’s but that the arrangement was dull and lacking any big vocal moments. He then, much like last year, blames Randy and Kara for not working with Casey enough/at all. Horny Chick jumps to Big Sexy’s defense, saying that the reason the song did not have any “wow factor” was “because that’s the way it’s written. Randy, right or wrong?” I will acknowledge the songwriting expert’s claim that the song was not written for a wow moment but, as usual, Horny Chick missed Captain Jack’s point that she and Big Sexy should not have selected a song without a wow moment on the most important night of Casey’s life. Prior to reading the three numbers (1.5 per song instead of 1) Trained Seal tries to assure Casey that the judges’ comments sounded like approval.

Prior to talking to Ellen Trained Seal gives a shout out to Bradley Whitford and Colin Hanks, stars of the new Fox show debuting tomorrow night if you care.

Crystal Bowersox, “Maybe I’m Amazed” by Paul McCartney, selected by Chicken Little E: While visiting the AT&T store somewhere in Ohio Crystal seems amazed by Chicken Little E’s song choice, though she still thinks it is all good. Ellen chose this song because it is amazing and Crystal is amazing, and maybe I’m amazed by all of the amazement. Ellen also wants to see some more range from Crystal because Casey is clearly not providing enough. Crystal sings this song straight, right down to keeping the “man” lyrics in the song, as in “maybe I’m a man...” and so on. She also kept McCartney’s bluesy shouting of the chorus to thrill the audience. That part was indeed well done. Crystal breathes a big sigh of relief when she is done. Big Sexy utters 3 yos, 2 heys, and thinks Crystal is also in it to win it. Chicken Little E was happy that Crystal did what she hoped Crystal would do with the song. Horny Chick is amazed to have heard parts of Crystal’s voice that she had not heard before. Crystal is too. Captain Jack was initially amazed by the song choice but that she proved with this performance that she has soul and will thank Chicken Little E for putting her in the finale. Crystal claims to Trained Seal that she was really in her comfort zone while he admires her boots.

Lee DeWyze, “Hallelujah” by Leonard Cohen, selected by Captain Jack: I read an interview on Sunday with K.D. Lang saying that “Hallelujah” should be forever banned from the airwaves because it has been covered so many times, including by K.D. herself. Since there are usually about 1000 contestants who sing this song on Idol each season I cannot help by agree. This makes me wonder why Captain Jack, who usually is the most creative of the judges when it comes to selecting songs, chose it for Lee. Perhaps it is a case of senioritis. Simon does admit that we have heard this song too many times but that we have not heard it like Lee is about to do it. Lee starts with an acoustic arrangement before the strings come in with the first chorus. The 8 person choir is back to help Lee sing the second verse. He is back to trying to swallow the mic again, but like Crystal he is showing a lot of range and a lot of emotion. Very dramatic and well done. Hey, is that a goose bump? Captain Jack beams like a proud papa while Lee gets an extended ovation. Big Sexy shouts out 1 yo, gives props to Captain Jack for the song choice and arrangement, and claims that no one threw down the gauntlet this season like Lee just did. Chicken Little E is too stunned to be coherent. Horny Chick claims that this is what it is all about and that Lee has been the heart of the show all season. Captain Jack is proud of Lee because he is a great singer and an even better person. Lee, not Simon. Trained Seal again asks how Lee feels. Lee feels kind of stunned but still in the moment.

Trained Seal says good night by begging us not to abandon the person that we have invested in all season!

The Final Score: 16 shots at Captain Jack Simon; 15 shots at Horny Chick Kara; 12 shots at Trained Seal Ryan; 12 shots at Big Sexy Randy; 10 shots at Chicken Little E Ellen; 2 shots at Ricky Minor and the band, 6 shots at the audience, and 1 shot at Clive Davis the former tormentor. There were 5 references to former Idol contestants, 8 references to other non-Idol performers, and 6 references to Drunk Chick/Angel of Death Paula. 2 Coca-Cola treatments, 2 iTunes plugs, 2 web site plugs, 1 quick summer tour plug, 1 name drop, 0 K-word utterances, 8 yos from Big Sexy (he was quite frugal tonight), 4 heys from Big Sexy, 2 references to dinner, 1 case of senioritis, 1 sigh of relief, another possible bird flip, and 1 goose bump.

Your 3 Stars of the Night: I am forced to agree with Horny Chick that Lee owned the night with both of his performances. Crystal’s second song earns the third star despite the fact that Ellen chose the song.

Idol Gives Back: Once again the favorite coming out of the semis failed to make it to the finale, let alone win it. During the semis Michael Lynche showed himself to be the best performer of the group, but while the others (yes, even Casey) picked their game up during the finals Michael seemed to regress a bit. The sad part is that if Michael were better looking, like say Casey, he probably would still be in the competition and not needed Captain Jack to save him for elimination several months, I mean weeks, ago.

The Fearless Prediction: For the last several weeks it has become clear that Lee and Crystal were the class of the field this season, and tonight it was more obvious than ever. The only way I can see Casey making it past tomorrow is if the tweeners and the cougars, otherwise known as his audience, feel sorry for Casey and try to keep him on the show. And if that happens, then I will renew my pledge that I made if Aaron Kelly won and seriously reconsider recapping this show next week, let alone next season, if Casey wins.

It's No Longer a Song, It's a Testimony

2010-05-12T00:15:00.000-07:00

Remember back when the Top 5 had to sing 2 solo songs? Ever since Fox gave up on this show and wanted to instead save time for other shows like Fringe and Glee the Idol contestants have not been tested like their predecessors were. Another thing that has not been tested since then has been my endurance, having to listen to and recap twice as many songs. So perhaps I do not miss it that much after all.

Tonight’s theme is songs from the movies. When this was the theme last year I commented that it was a sign that the show may have jumped the shark. But then I made this claim: “I guess one can argue that this show is immune to shark attack, at least until Drunk Chick or Captain Jack leave Idol.” American Idol, meet Jaws.

Trained Seal begins the show by talking about dreams and how the movie theme is fit for someone who wants to be a star. I am wondering which show he is talking about. “And who better to help us, “ Trained Seal tells us, than tonight’s tormentor Jamie Foxx, a man with a “career without boundaries” and apparently a multi-platinum recording artist. I learned something new today. Jamie is also a repeat from last season when he mentored the students on songs from the Rat Pack since, as I noted at the time, Harry Connick Jr. was apparently not available. Oh the irony. At least tonight’s theme is a better fit for Jamie this time.

Seems like this week’s recap is also going to be a repeat like the theme and tormentor, doesn't it?

Lee DeWyze, “Kiss from a Rose” by Seal, from Batman Forever: I did not know that this song was in a Batman movie. I've learned two things now in the span of 5 minutes. Jamie gets in Lee’s grill like he did to Danny Gokey last season, which Captain Jack thought did wonders for the widower. Let’s see if the same magic works for Lee. Starting out it does not seem that way, as Lee is very pitchy. To make matters worse he missed his one falsetto note. His pitchiness stays there for pretty much the rest of the song, though when he shouted the chorus it was a little better. Still, it was perhaps his worse performance in several weeks. Big Sexy utters 1 yo, points out the pitchiness, thought he did nothing with the song, and still finds time to name drop Bon Jovi. He also gets booed twice. Chicken Little E still thinks Lee is great even though she kind of sees what Randy is talking about. Horny Chick gets interrupted by a couple of tweener chicks who shout out “we love you Lee!” That did not seem to help Aaron when they shouted that at him. It might have been the same chicks. After acknowledging the pleas for a date Horny Chick thinks Lee got lost and out of tune while singing a difficult song but like Chicken Little E she still thinks Lee is great. Sounds like the chicks are trying to solicit the sympathy vote that got Casey through last week. Captain Jack agrees with Randy and gets booed too. He also thought the performance verged on karaoke and a little plastic bird drops down from above. And suddenly I am channeling Dennis Miller, but I could be wrong.

Michael Lynche, “Will You Be There” by Michael Jackson, from Free Willy: Michael admits in his Coca-Cola treatment that he is feeling the pressure from his family and from his city, since next week the remaining contestants get the star treatment and keys to the city from their hometowns. He also says that his goal has been to reach the Top 3, something Chicken Little E gets on his case about afterwards. Jamie dances and spares with Mike just to show that he is a man. Jamie has “contestant” and “artist” T-shirts for each contestant, and whichever one he thinks they are is the one he gives them. Mike is the only one that gets a “contestant” T-shirt, which he refuses to accept, just like he has been refusing to accept any of the judges’ comments this season. Mike starts with a decent low register, and then settles into a safe and predictable groove. It was better sung but not performed as well as Big Mike usually does. Big Sexy utters 5 rapid yos and wonders why Mike did not predictably choose another R&B number. Chicken Little E strains to make a Free Willy joke and says that you can’t go wrong with a choir backing you up, all 5 of them in this case. She then as mentioned before gets on Michael’s case for not setting his goal to win instead of just being in the Top 3. Horny Chick thought Michael could have done this performance in his sleep, which he pretty much did. She also misses the goose bumps when he sang “Woman’s Work” and “I’m Ready for Love”. I miss goose bumps from anybody this season. Captain Jack is confused because he does not know about the movie. He gets even more confused after Michael explains to him that the movie is about a whale named Willy. Then when Horny Chick tries to claim that Free Willy is not just about a whale Captain Jack asks “well is it about a willy?” eliciting nervous laughter from Big Sexy. Ellen refuses Trained Seal’s baiting to continue the homo-banter about willies.

Duet #1, Lee and Crystal, “Falling Slowly” by Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova, from Once: Kris Allen sang this song last season and I wondered then if anyone had ever heard of it. Turns out it was an Oscar winner. I am learning so much tonight. Crystal is wearing a shoulderless blouse for the first time, and for the first time we get a glimpse of the big tattoo on Crystal’s back that she has been keeping secret all this time. Siobhan got booted after she showed her tattoo, which may explain why Crystal has been hiding it, perhaps in Casey’s secret box. It is dueling guitars and Lee is singing better than his solo performance. Both of them are singing pretty well until Ricky and the band drowns them and their guitars out. Big Sexy throws out 3 quick yos because that is what he is talkin' about. Chicken Little E thought it was great, of course, and name drops Captain and Tennille. Horny Chick loved the chemistry and thought is was one of the best moments of this season. Captain Jack thought it was a fantastic song. Trained Seal tries to play up the sexual chemistry between Lee and Crystal and manages to get Crystal to admit that Lee has been her “musical crush” since they sat next to each other at their Chicago audition. Ryan senses a chance to make himself sound like a heterosexual but Crystal politely reminds him that she said “musical.”

Casey James, “Mrs. Robinson” by Simon and Garfunkel, from The Graduate: Jamie is excited to be tormentoring a fellow Texan. He urges Casey to try to seduce him with his eyes or at least pretend to in order to be an artist. Casey kind of struggles with this even though he has been pretending to be an artist all season. Casey set aside his electric guitar for Jason Castro’s uke, and dares to venture in the mosh pit to sing this song surrounded by adoring tweener chicks. Casey has tweaked this song into a Jack Johnson type of arrangement rather than the blues that he claims to love to sing every week. He still sticks to the same three chords and still has a bit of a goat vibrato that Horny Chick finally noticed last week. It was just OK but it was better than last week’s performance. Big Sexy fires 4 quick yos (he has been quick with the yos tonight for some reason) and thought Casey did not do anything different. Randy also asked Casey why he chose this song and what it means to him. Casey is of course not specific because that is what posers do. Big Sexy then shows his cards by suggesting that Casey chose the song as a dedication to Horny Chick. Chicken Little E strains to make a joke about Casey’s uke, likes that he did something different, and then turns it over to “Mrs. Robinson.” Horny Chick feigns being offended by the jokes, and then tells Casey that she thinks he is fighting to stay in the competition by choosing a song that he has to feel attached to (i.e. actually sing) rather than play “jam band” again. Captain Jack joins in on the Mrs. Robinson joke by asking Horny Chick what the movie is about. He then gets serious, and subsequently booed, by saying that Casey’s performance was lazy and lacked any substance. What do you think I have been saying all this time?

Crystal Bowersox, “I’m Alright” by Kenny Loggins, from Caddyshack: Trained Seal, like me, wonders about Crystal’s sing choice during her Coca-Cola treatment. He also wonders if Crystal is upset that the judges have been picking on her the last 2 weeks, not wanting to admit that the comments have been a deliberate effort to gain her sympathy votes and keep her on the show in what was supposed to be a chick’s year. Crystal is star struck to be in the presence of Jamie and thus cannot bring herself to make eye contact with the mega star. Jamie urges Crystal to make that eye contact so it is “no longer a song, it’s a testimony.” Amen, brother. Crystal starts solo but the band quickly jumps in to drown her out again. Crystal fights back and shouts out the last few verses for emphasis. I liked this bluesy arrangement and Crystal’s shouting. It was not her best but it was the best of the night among the solo performances. Big Sexy utters 3 yos and thinks Crystal earned her “artist” T-shirt. Chicken Little E strains to make a joke about being “crystallized” and only Big Sexy laughs. Kara agrees with Randy and Ellen. Captain Jack thinks Crystal is “back in the game” though I do not think she was ever in danger of being on the sideline. Trained Seal goes off on Crystal’s boyfriend’s lack of rhythm, showing that he is again off his meds.

Duet #2, Casey and Michael, “Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman” by Bryan Adams, from Don Juan DeMarco: A movie theme night would not be complete without at least one Bryan Adams song. I still wonder, like I did last year, why Idol has not ever had a Bryan Adams theme night. He is still around, isn't he? Casey starts with a self-indulgent flamenco guitar solo and hogs the entire first verse. Michael gets to come in with the second verse. He too has a guitar but he seems to be just touching the strings every once in a while. And all this time I thought Casey was the poser of the group. It was just OK, better than their solo performances but pale in comparison to Duet #1. Big Sexy utters 2 yos, loves Casey’s guitar playing, and then throws a back handed criticism at Casey by saying that the singing was shaky until Michael started singing. Chicken Little E strains to make a joke about how she once loved a woman. Kara and Simon thought the duets were good.

The producers end the show too early so Trained Seal solicits some more comments from Jamie to kill time. Jamie name drops Patti Labelle and Fantasia when he says that he was not expecting anything overpowering so he was happy with the performances. Jamie is impressed that Daughtry, Fantasia, and Bon Jovi will all be performing tomorrow night, a nice post-Mother’s Day present for my mom who still boycotts the show whenever Chris Daughtry is not on. Daughtry performed on the Top 4 results show last year too, perhaps in homage to his Top 4 elimination in Season 5.

Bye, bye, America. That’s it.

The Final Score: 8 shots at Horny Chick Kara; 8 shots at Trained Seal Ryan; 8 shots at Chicken Little E Ellen; 8 shots at Big Sexy Randy; 7 shots at Captain Jack Simon; 2 shots at Ricky Minor and the band, 5 shots at the audience, and 7 shots at Jamie Foxx the tormentor. There were 8 references to former Idol contestants, 7 references to other non-Idol performers, and 1 reference to Drunk Chick Paula. 2 Coca-Cola treatments, 0 iTunes plugs, 1 summer tour plug, 1 CD plug, 4 name drops, 1 K-word utterance, 18 yo’s from Big Sexy, 8 T-shirts, 5 references to last season, 3 lessons, 3 strained jokes from Chicken Little E, 1 shark attack, 1 secret tattoo, 1 Amen, and no goose bumps.

Your 3 Stars of the Night: Crystal’s was the only solo performance worth writing home about, and she earns two stars for her duet with Lee that may have saved him from elimination. The third star goes to Michael for a decent singing performance and for not being star struck by Jamie Foxx.

Idol Gives Back: Once again I underestimated the sympathy vote, but when the sympathy is coming from 12 year old girls and their mothers this perhaps should not come as a surprise. So while I am sad that Casey was not sent home I am not too disappointed since Aaron should have gone home weeks ago. At least now I do not have to worry about fulfilling my pledge to end these recaps if Aaron won the competition.

The Fearless Prediction: If the votes were determined solely by singing performances on this night alone Lee would be in serious danger of leaving. I am tempted to predict that there will be a surprise elimination and that either Lee or Crystal will be sent home but I am going to hope that the sympathy vote will keep them both on board for another week. It is possible that Michael will not meet his Top 3 goal but I am going to again predict Casey’s departure tomorrow night if for no other reason than I have been waiting patiently for the poser to leave for several weeks now.

Somethin' Stupid

2010-05-05T00:49:00.000-07:00

I came in from a long running dinner meeting at 10 PM, so to avoid seeing Craig Ferguson again tonight and multiple cups of coffee tomorrow I’m going to try and keep this recap short and sweet. Yeah, right.

Trained Seal declares Siobhan’s departure last week a “wake-up call,” not to the other contestants, but to you for not voting enough to keep your favorite on the show. You see, just like global warming, illegal immigration, and the popularity of Miley Cyrus this is all your fault.

Tonight’s theme is the songs of Frank Sinatra, “the original American Idol” according to Trained Seal. And once again the King gets dissed, though I can see Ryan’s point this time. The Chairman’s daughters Nancy and Tina are in the house tonight and presented a monogrammed hanky to Captain Jack, who unbeknownst to me is apparently a big Sinatra fan. Anthony Hopkins and Ron Reiner are also in the house, though only Hopkins gets a shout-out from Trained Seal.

Tonight’s tormentor is Harry Connick, Jr., and finally there is a tormentor that matches the theme. Oh yeah, I forgot about Shania Twain already. After all, Harry has been imitating Sinatra his entire career, so who else would be able to tell the contestants how to give Sinatra songs the karaoke treatment? Harry gets the star treatment all night. He gets to say “this...is American Idol,” he gets to descend the stairs, and his band gets to play for the contestants instead of Ricky and the boys. Trained Seal thinks Harry is a “true renaissance man” and also dares to mention Harry’s acting career. I have to say, though, that Harry scored some points tonight for being the first tormentor to give technical advice and for taking a shot at Shania Twain for not working as hard as he has for this show. Harry also made all of the arrangements tonight so the judges cannot trash the contestants for that. We’ll see if they trash Harry instead.

Aaron Kelly, “Fly Me to the Moon”: Aaron starts the song very slowly as he tries to turns this jazzy number into another sleepy ballad from High School Musical. He only partially succeeds but he deserves props for trying. He starts wheezing like David Archuleta once did; I am not sure if it is because Aaron is trying too hard, or if he is sick again, or I only now noticed it. It was OK but kind of dull. Big Sexy utters 2 wows but no yos and thinks Aaron is in it to win it. Chicken Little E strains to make the first of three jokes about Harry’s piano playing and is happy that Aaron did not sound like country. I still cannot remember when he ever did. Horny Chick gets booed for saying that Aaron was better last week and does not have enough charisma, though she claims she is not being negative. Captain Jack says that Aaron is a mouse compared to Sinatra the lion but admires how hard he is trying to sound like an actual singer.

Casey James, “Blue Skies”: Harry admonishes Casey to not screw things up as we come out of the break. On the spot mentoring, no wonder Harry is getting special treatment. Casey reveals during his Coca-Cola treatment that he passed up a gig at the Circle M to be here tonight. Once he starts singing, Casey finally sounds at least somewhat like the blues singer he claims to be. However, his pitch is all over the place, kind of like the pitcher Charlie Sheen played in Major League. “Just a bit outside.” (Get well soon Mr. Baseball). When finally forced to actually sing instead of pretending to be a rock star poor Casey is finally exposed for the poser that he is. Big Sexy utters 2 yos and agrees with me that Casey was pitchy and sang his worse performance to date. Chicken Little E gets booed for thinking that Casey was very stiff. Not for you sweetheart. Not for Horny Chick either, especially after she points out the goat vibrato that Vote for the Worst has been making fun of since January. Captain Jack is uncomfortable and creates an uncomfortable moment by making a joke about how Casey will at least have a gig next week. Casey at least admits to Trained Seal that he felt uncomfortable the entire time.

Crystal Bowersox, “Summer Wind”: Crystal says that she chose this song for personal reasons that neither Harry nor Trained Seal were able to get out of her. Crystal is keeping it subdued this time, more Janis Ian and less Janis Joplin. Not her best but not bad either, very soft and nuanced. Big Sexy utters 1 yo and thought it was a little sleepy. Chicken Little E is still impressed even though she thought Crystal tried to swallow every word. Horny Chick only kind of liked it, but then she is only kind of an expert on singing. Captain Jack thought it was too indulgent and expected more from Crystal. I guess now Simon thinks its OK to tee off on Crystal since her chances of getting voted off are less since she is the only chick left. Crystal takes a back handed shot at Horny Chick by stating that she does not feel like she has to sing really big notes just because she is on Idol.

Michael Lynche, “The Way You Look Tonight”: Trained Seal asks Michael during his Coca-Cola treatment whether he will be in his element tonight, and of course Big Mike is sure that he is. So does Harry. Michael is styling and profiling a Sinatra-like chapeau tonight. Big Mike may be in his element after all. His phrasing is good and he is performing it well, though the singing is just OK. Big Sexy wakes up from his nap and throws out 5 yos and the gauntlet. Chicken Little E thought he sounded the part. Horny Chick thinks Mike found the drama in the song without losing himself in it. I lost myself trying to understand that comment. Captain Jack thinks Mike is back in the groove and his performance was the best of the night so far.

Lee DeWyze, “That’s Life”: Lee is clearly Harry’s favorite as Lee reminds Harry of himself and Harry’s wife thinks Lee is cute. And all this time I thought Casey had the cougar vote locked up. Harry gives the song a gospel sound from the organ instead of the piano, and Lee is singing the song like the son of a preacher man. Speaking of which, when will Idol have a Dusty Springfield night? Lee gets a bit off pace from the band but he is finally showing some personality. The singing was his usual pretty good. Lee gets 2 yos from Big Sexy and 1 from Harry. Chicken Little E takes 1 final shot at Harry and Harry shoots back by telling her to stop it right now. Ellen also thinks that if tonight were the finale Lee would win it. Sadly for both Ellen and Lee, hell all of us really, the finale is not for another month and the tweeners have yet to decide which dude they are going to back. Horny Chick asks Lee if he really thinks he can win this competition, and after Lee gives only a half-hearted “yes” in reply Kara gives him a homework assignment to write down “I think I can win this thing” 100 times. Captain Jack credits Harry for bringing out Lee’s personality and thought Lee’s performance was the best of the night “so far.” I got news for you Simon, this season may not be over but this show is and it’s time for Glee.

Craig’s on my TV screen so it will be a venti latte tomorrow for me. Maybe two.

The Final Score: 8 shots at Horny Chick Kara; 7 shots at Trained Seal Ryan; 7 shots at Chicken Little E Ellen; 6 shots at Captain Jack Simon; 5 shots at Big Sexy Randy; 2 shots at Ricky Minor and the band (because they had the night off), 2 shots at the audience, and 9 shots at Harry Connick, Jr. the tormentor. There were 3 references to former Idol contestants, 14 references to other non-Idol performers, and no references to Drunk Chick Paula; though I’m sure I’ll have a comment about her being the Angel of Death again when we get to the Final 3. 2 Coca-Cola treatments, 0 iTunes plugs, 1 summer tour plug, 3 name drops, 1 K-word utterance, 10 yo’s from Big Sexy, 3 shots at the tormentor by Chicken Little E, Sharks 4, Red Wings 3 (in OT), Lakers 111, Jazz 103, 2 props for the Circle M, 2 uncomfortable moments, 2 movie references, 1 gift, 1 Sinatra chapeau, 1 homework assignment, and no goose bumps.

Your 3 Stars of the Night: Lee and Michael were both in the zone tonight and pretty much in their element. Lee is reminding me of Elliott Yamin more and more each week. Crystal was better than the judges thought she was, so she gets the third star ahead of Aaron, who was not as good as the judges thought he was.

Idol Gives Back: I do not know if I am surprised as much as I am disappointed that Siobhan was sent packing last week. She had such an interesting personality and was the best singer. Too bad she listened to Horny Chick and went back to screaming last week. But will Kara admit that she screwed Siobhan up by pushing her to scream like she was giving birth on stage? Of course not, because Horny Chick is a trained professional and trained professionals cannot be wrong.

The Fearless Prediction: There were two strong performances, two OK performances, and then there was Casey. Even if Crystal and Aaron were only marginally better Crystal is the only chick left and Aaron is the only teenager left. There are also too many dudes left to stop the tweener chick vote from being split up, so I gladly predict that Casey will be playing at the Circle M next Tuesday night. And we will never know what was in his box.

That Don't Impress Me Much

2010-04-28T00:11:00.000-07:00

It is country with a twist this week, as the contestants will be singing country songs from only one artist, though, as Trained Seal points out, it is from “a very special songbook.” So let’s saddle up and ride and see which artist has been hiding their hidden country all this time.

I have to be careful now since my girlfriend is reading this blog. She called it “snarky” and I took it as a compliment. At least I hope it was…

Trained Seal begins the show by pointing out the pre-Idol lives of the remaining 6 contestants. The only one that I did not know about was that Casey James is a construction contractor. That explains why I hate him so much. Ryan then thanks America for donating $47M during the Idol Gives Back love fest. No mention of the departure of Tim Urban, who is probably back home still smiling.

Tonight’s tormentor is Shania Twain, “the biggest crossover artist ever” according to Trained Seal. Did not Elvis sing country songs? The dissing of the King continues. Crystal continues my royal theme by calling Shania “The Queen of Country.” Shania wants the contestants to live and breathe these songs because she wrote them and lived them herself, though her ex Mutt Lange may beg to differ. Shania is a little concerned about the dudes singing her chick songs and is really concerned that the loser voted off tomorrow night will blame her for it. She worries almost as much as Lee. During her interview segment with Trained Seal Shania seems disappointed that no one chose to sing “Feel like a Woman”, especially one of the dudes.

Lee DeWyze, “You’re Still the One”: Shania fell in love with Lee back at his Chicago audition that she sat in on in place of Drunk Chick. She did not want to get into his pants like she wanted to do with John Lee, but obviously that did not get poor John that far in this competition. Lee starts out low, monotone, and kind of shaky. The chorus is more spirited but a bit on the pitchy side. Shania was concerned that Lee was going to bury himself in his guitar but she need not have bothered because I cannot hear it. It was a decent performance, not one of his best but nothing bad either. Big Sexy utters 2 yos, 4 check it outs, and claims that this is one of his all time favorite songs. Randy has one long list of favorites. I swear he says that at least once a week. He must need 2 or 3 iPods to hold all of his all time favorite songs. He did agree with me that Lee was a little pitchy. Chicken Little E strains to be punny since Shania's last name sounds like “train,” then tells Lee that he was good and looks cute. Horny Chick thought his voice was so relevant (to what? Beats me) but that she did not think Lee related to the fact that he was singing a love song. To her. Captain Jack thought it was the perfect song choice though he (Lee) was a little hesitant at first. Simon then makes the mistake of pointing out the funny faces Lee makes when he sings, a mistake since Horny Chick jumped all over him trying to claim that Lee was only smiling. Kara takes up so much time with her smile claims that Captain Jack just gives up and hands the spotlight back to Trained Seal.

Instead of pimping the iTunes Trained Seal plugs the summer tour tickets that will go on sale May 14. Better go get in line now.

Michael Lynche, “It Only Hurts When I’m Breathing”: It is love at first sight between Big Mike and the tormentor. I guess Shania forgot that Mike’s wife would be sitting 10 feet away from her in the audience. She advises Mike not to take his silky voice for granted. The big guy starts the song on the stairs and struggles a bit to find the melody, but that does not deter Shania from leading the tweeners in the arm waiving. As usual Mike has a good soulful voice though I had a hard time connecting emotionally to this break up song. Maybe it is because I’m a dude. Shania is in the house and she is in tears. Big Sexy utters 3 yos and claims that Michael is “in the zone of who you are.” Chicken Little E name drops Luther Vandross and felt Michael got into the song. Horny Chick sucks up to the tormentor by talking about how connected Shania seems to be when she sings her songs and then claims that Michael has the same kind of magic. Captain Jack apparently is the last person in America to not make the connection between Michael and Luther but agrees with the analogy. Simon then confuses all of America by describing Michael’s performance as “wet,” which he first explains as “the opposite of dry,” and then as “a little bit girly.” He earns a chorus of girly boos with that last comment. Trained Seal tries to explain the wet comment by noting that Captain Jack usually wakes up in London where it is usually wet.

Casey James, “Don’t!”: Trained Seal warns us in advance that Casey was going to tap “into his inner country cougar.” Perhaps Trained Seal is jealous that Casey prefers Horny Chick to him. During his Coca-Cola treatment Casey admits that Simon and Kara were correct to criticize him for not doing anything new last week. Last week, how about the last 4 months? And again Big Sexy is ignored as he was the one who actually pointed out last week that Casey sings the same way every week. Shania actually claims that Casey is missing some inner confidence. Go figure. Casey is positioned in front of the main audience with a gauntlet of adoring tweeners ordered to stand there and look admiringly without moving their arms. Casey still sticks to the same 3 chords but shows a little more emotion than usual. I can actually kind of imagine hearing this on the radio. He seems to do better with ballads than with the allegedly blues songs that Casey likes to sing. Big Sexy utters 1 yo and thinks this is best performance of the season. Chicken Little E also thinks it was Casey’s best performance of the season and name drops Bob Segar. Horny Chick claims that true artists do not hide their vulnerability and Casey was a true artist tonight. Captain Jack claims that Casey learned from his wake-up call from last week and that he finally sounded sincere. Dude ain't fooling me though, he is still a poser. Simon then encourages Casey to give Shania a big kiss on the lips for her good advice. Casey eagerly runs down for his prize but only gets a hug from the tormentor.

Crystal Bowersox,”No One Needs to Know”: Crystal is still a bit star struck with Shania even though this is the second time the two have met. As she points out to Trained Seal in her Coca-Cola treatment Shania was at Crystal’s audition in Chicago and signed her now famous guitar. Crystal also points out how Shania is always glowing. Must be that scientifically proven perfect face of hers. Since Crystal will be dedicating her song to her boyfriend Shania encourages Crystal to smile more when she sings. Crystal sings the song with a pure country arrangement, the only artist to do so on ostensibly Country Week. As usual Crystal is in fine voice but she stumbled a bit with the rhythm at the bridge. OK but not her best. Big Sexy utters 2 yos, name drops Nickel Creek (not Nickelback mind you), and was happy that she sang a country song even though it was not his favorite. Chicken Little E compares this performance to the least favorite color of the rainbow. Much like her predecessor Ellen cannot bring herself to say anything negative. Horny Chick agrees with the “guys” but claims that Crystal cannot help but be good because of how honest she is. Leave it to Captain Jack of course to bring on the pain and the boos from the audience. He thought Crystal’s performance was limp and had no conviction and strains to compare it to a lousy coffee house performance that no one wants to hear. Crystal tries to justify her performance by claiming twice that “bigger is not always better.” So much for that Viagra endorsement deal. Simon then goes after the tormentor by telling Shania that it was a forgettable song. Trained Seal slips back into lunatic mode by first advising Simon to not leave at the same time as Shania and then pressures Crystal’s dorky boyfriend to propose to her.

Aaron Kelly, “You’ve Got a Way”: It looks like Aaron is flipping us the double bird as we go to break. I rewound the DVR twice just to be sure. Shania thinks Aaron is preoccupied with hitting the notes. Kind of like a kid rehearing for his high school musical. It is another sappy ballad from this kid, technically good but lacking in emotion no matter how hard he tries. He seems a little angry actually. Big Sexy utters 1 yo and declares that Aaron is this year’s country artist even though it was not a country arrangement. Indeed I do not recall Aaron singing any country songs this year, just sappy ballads and “Blue Suede Shoes”, which I guess is sort of country. Chicken Little E still cannot get over the idea that Aaron is only 16, oops, make that 17 years old. She also thinks Aaron has lots of emotion and depth. Horny Chick agrees with Ellen and then forces Aaron to point out that he changed the lyric that referred to making love, which was (and a quote) “very smart because it’s not something… you know…” Nervous laughter from the audience and snide comments from the dude judges follow. Aaron then justifies the lyric change by claiming that he sang the song for his mom, eliciting ahhs from Horny Chick and the audience. Captain Jack felt that Aaron was sincere and believable for a change and was a different artist from the one that was in danger of elimination the last 2 weeks.

Siobhan Magnus, “Any Man of Mine”: After taking on Mariah and Whitney last week Siobhan attempts to use the closer spot tonight to tackle the only song that I recognize. Shania tells Siobhan that this song is all about attitude and that she has to play a character to make it work. That shouldn't be too hard for Siobhan. She starts out singing well but then when she strolls into the tweeners Siobhan loses the initial key and slips into something else. Not her clothes though, which are only slightly quirky this week. Siobhan sounds distracted as she tries to bond with the chicks, but then regains her groove when she returns to the stage. Another thing that returns is Siobhan’s big scream at the end, which is the best one she has belted out this season. Big Sexy utters 2 yos and declares his love for Siobhan’s country punk look and sound. Chicken Little E strains to close the show with another pun about trains. Horny Chick is happy that the screaming Siobhan has returned in place of the singing Siobhan of the last few weeks. Captain Jack liked the song choice and compared the screaming to someone giving birth. Trained Seal wonders how Simon would know anything about that.

Glee starts now.

The Final Score: 11 shots at Big Sexy Randy; 10 shots at Captain Jack Simon; 10 shots at Horny Chick Kara; 10 shots at Trained Seal Ryan; 8 shots at Chicken Little E Ellen; 0 shots at Ricky Minor and the band, 6 shots at the audience, and 13 shots at Shania Twain the tormentor. There was 1 reference to a former Idol contestant, 7 references to other non-Idol performers, and 2 references to Drunk Chick Paula. 2 Coca-Cola treatments, 0 iTunes plugs (must be saving them for tomorrow), 3 name drops, 0 K-word utterances or kayfabe violations, 11 yo’s from Big Sexy, 3 returns, 2 strained puns about trains, 2 birds, 1 strained analogy, 1 country arrangement on Country Night, 1 reference to a male enhancement drug, 1 song dedicated to mum, and no goose bumps.

Your 3 Stars of the Night: Everyone was pretty much on the same page tonight so it is hard for me to discern who deserves a star. I have to give Casey one star because he realized he needed to at least stop acting like a poser if he wants to stay on the show. Michael connected with Big Sexy and the chicks so he gets star #2. I’ll give Siobhan star #3 for bringing back the big scream and keeping it in tune.

Idol Gives Back: Many years ago I had one great craps run at a Tahoe casino, where I rolled for over 90 minutes before crapping out. The whole table was alive with excitement and glee. I will never forget that night because I have never been that lucky like that, either before or since. I would guess Tim Urban feels the same way right now. That was one hell of a lucky roll he was on. Is it any wonder that he smiled all the time? While it was something of a surprise to see Tim leave I was not surprised to see both Aaron and Casey join him in the relegation zone, and not a moment too soon.

The Fearless Prediction: Ellen was correct for once, this will be another challenge since the two worst performances were from the two front runners, Crystal and Lee. Pretty much anybody can be in the bottom 3 at this point. Since it is late I’ll take a wild crap shoot and guess that Michael and Casey will be in the bottom 3 and that Aaron will be sent home. Just a hunch, nothing more.

Idol Brings Back the Inspiration

2010-04-20T23:47:00.000-07:00

Let us start by jumping into Captain Jack’s time machine and travel back 3 years time to the first Idol Gives Back week in Season 6. The theme then, as it is tonight, was songs of inspiration. Things looked promising with Bono as the tormentor and Sanjaya Malakar kicked off the show the week before, and for the most part the contestants did not disappoint. Phil Stacey, who embraced his country side the week before, took it to the next level with Garth Brooks “The Change”. Melinda Doolittle out sang Faith Hill on her own song. The grand finale was eventual Season 6 winner Jordin Sparks’ version of “You’ll Never Walk Alone” that was so good it left the audience in tears. Big Sexy declared it the best performance in the history of the show and I actually agreed with him. The producers were so inspired that they decided that no one was going home that week, though Trained Seal almost gave Jordin a heart attack by waiting until the very end of the show to tell her that she was safe along with everyone else.

Now let us flash forward one year later to Season 7, also known as David Cook and the Plants. The group of professionals that the producers planted into the Top 12 could not find it within themselves to even fake some sincerity. Big Sexy and Michael Johns got into an argument about whether or not Aerosmith’s “Dream On” was inspirational. Syesha Mercado sang the same “inspirational” song, Fantasia’s “I Believe”, which LaKesha Jones sang the year before and got blasted by Big Sexy for that too. Carly Smithson sang an angry version of Queen’s “The Show Must Go On” and got called out by Captain Jack for being too angry on Inspiration Night. Not even Season 7 winner David Cook was all that inspirational even though he wrote “give back” on his fingers. The producers were so uninspired that they surprised Michael Johns by telling him that a contestant was getting eliminated that week and that contestant was him. It may also be why the producers chose not to have an Idol Gives Back night last season.

So now that the producers decided to give inspirational songs one more try will it be more like the inspirational Season 6 or the uninspirational Season 7? The world awaits this life changing answer…

Trained Seal begins the show with his usual dramatic flair by talking about changing and saving lives. The announcer has been retired for the season so Ryan is left to introduce the judges, though thankfully we are spared the forced, awards show-like banter. Trained Seal reminds us that there are still tickets available for tomorrow’s Idol Gives Back spectacular in Pasadena, so hurry now!

Tonight’s tormentor is Alicia Keys, who Trained Seal claims has “changed the dynamic of R&B forever” with her powerful and uplifting songs. Alicia talks about how she wants to inspire the contestants to bring out their emotion. This is pretty much all she says to each performer tonight rather than give any actual singing advice. Come to think of it, none of the tormentors this season have been providing much technical advice. This is what happens when the producers select tormentors that are “hot”, “current”, and young enough to be Horny Chick’s kids as opposed to singers who actually know how to sing.

Casey James, “Don’t Stop” by Fleetwood Mac: Casey chose this song because it is “me being in the song, me being present.” Me, me, me, me, me, that is all it’s about with this poser. Once again Casey sticks to the same three chords and the same standing in place that he has done with every song except perhaps “Jealous Guy.” The only difference is that this time there were 2 self-indulgent guitar solos instead of just one. Again, it was OK but boring and uninspirational. Big Sexy utters 2 yos and points out that Casey keeps doing the same thing every week and he is getting bored with it too. Chicken Little E feels compelled to be tougher on the contestants and tells Casey that he was good but not great. That’s telling him Ellen. Horny Chick is getting frustrated with Casey doing the same thing every week and accuses Casey of playing “jam band.” It sounds like Horny Chick now believes that Casey is gay. Not that there is anything wrong with that, unless you are a sexually frustrated cougar. Captain Jack gets booed for accusing Casey of making a lazy song choice and showing 0 emotion and 0 originality. Trained Seal wants to know if Casey was surprised to hear the criticism and of course the poser claims that he was not. I am surprised that it took the judges this long to recognize that Casey is a dull, boring poser.

Lee DeWyze, “The Boxer” by Simon and Garfunkel: Trained Seal promotes Coca-Cola’s ties to Idol Gives Back before asking Lee about losing his new BFF Andrew Garcia last week. Lee seems more bothered by the delay to the start of his intro video than he was about losing his roommate. Lee starts the song a little pitchy and fast but then settles in when the audience starts waiving their hands. He has clearly been working on his stage presence since he is looking more at the audience that he is at the mic. It is a bluesy little ballad that was very good once the pitch kicked in. I think we have found ourselves a dark horse. Big Sexy declares 2 yos and channels Drunk Chick when he predicts that Lee will have a great career. I had to work one Paula reference in now that Andrew is gone. Chicken Little E shows some tough love by declaring it to be beautiful. Horny Chick thinks this performance was better than the life changing performance Lee had a few weeks ago. Captain Jack also has a Drunk Chick moment by declaring it the best of the night so far, and then quickly realizes that there have only been 2 performances so far. He also thought Lee was brilliant, current, and emotional.

Captain Sully is in the house. Let’s hope he can inspire something besides Trained Seal’s iTunes plug.

Tim Urban, “Better Days” by The Goo Goo Dolls: Alisha “likes it in him,” the song I guess. Tim starts in a pitchy low register, and then switches to a pitchy middle register. There are some decent moments but his pitch is all over the place, so much so that it took me a couple of minutes to realize that I have heard this song before, but then that has never stopped Tim’s screeching fans from power texting their votes for him. Big Sexy utters only 1 yo and gets booed for calling it “OK karaoke.” Chicken Little E strains to make a joke comparing Tim to the “soup of the day” and then gets tough when she tells Tim that she did not like today’s soup. Horny Chick raves about the “new Tim” but then says that tonight’s performance was not his best. Captain Jack thinks that Tim has improved but took a step too far this week, changing tactics yet again to try and get Tim voted off the show. Trained Seal compares Tim to gazpacho soup because Tim is cool. Not to be outdone by the host two tweeners in the peanut gallery declare that “Tim, you rock!”

Aaron Kelly, “I Believe I Can Fly” by R. Kelly (from that Michael Jordan, Bugs Bunny basketball movie): Aaron claims he has been singing this song since his preschool graduation a few years ago. Alicia thinks we will know if Aaron did well if he is crying at the end of the song. We find out later that she may have mistaken Aaron for another contestant. Aaron is back to the sappy ballads that have gotten him this far along with his boyish looks and lack of a girlfriend. He is clearly trying very hard but his little voice falls flat when he gets to the big chorus. I give him an A for effort but only a C for performance because he is not crying. Big Sexy utters 1 yo and thinks Aaron has a huge voice for a giant song. Chicken Little E strains to make a joke about thinking she can fly in the 70’s, implying some illegal drug activity to make her appear tougher. Horny Chick thought Aaron took off and flew. Captain Jack claims he would have turned the radio off if this song came on it, a reference the MP3ers in the audience likely did not understand. Even still, he thought it was “quite good” and admired Aaron’s guts for taking on such a big song, a reference I do not understand.

Siobhan Magnus, “When You Believe” by Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston (from some movie that I have not seen): Siobhan’s creativity in wardrobe continues as she comes up with some feathery butterfly thing that could poke someone’s eye out. Again we get the emotionally restrained Siobhan and not the screamer that the judges love. It was a valiant effort of a song that Siobhan really had no business singing. Big Sexy uttered only 1 yo and gets booed for saying it was just OK, which means he would have thought that it was really good had it not been a Mariah/Whitney song. Chicken Little E disagrees with Randy but does not say why. Horny Chick of course thought it was technically good but is still confused about who Siobhan is, the technically good singer that she hates or the wild screamer that she loves. Captain Jack thought it was odd and old fashioned and was distracted by the butterflies, maybe because he thought they were leaves. Siobhan again fires back, telling the judges that she was not scared by who recorded the song and that the judges are idiots for trying to compare her to Mariah or Whitney. I have to say that Siobhan has thus far this season provided the best responses to the judge’s comments than any contestant in recent memory.

Michael Lynche, “Hero” by Nickelback (from one of the Spiderman movies): Trained Seal forces Michael to reveal his 200 song playbook that Michael chooses his songs from. In his video Michael talks about being outside of his comfort zone and I recall the last time he did that he needed Captain Jack to save him from elimination. He starts singing in tune but his guitar is noticeably out of tune until the string section overpowers it. Soon the song begins to overpower Big Mike and his semi-big voice, though his big note at the end was bigger than Siobhan’s. Big Sexy utters 4 yos dawg, and then talks about how Mike worked it out despite being worried about Mike’s song choice because band songs are more about music than vocals. You know what he’s sayin’? If you do please let me know. Horny Chick tells Michael that he did not have the voice for this song, and then earns a shot from me for apologizing when the audience boos her. Captain Jack felt that the performance was artificial because it was about Spiderman, a charge Big Mike denies rather than take like a man. Trained Seal then recommends that Mike and Simon have some one-on-one time to talk about their mutual love of the masked web slinger.

Crystal Bowersox, “People Get Ready” by The Impressions: I immediately admire the song choice not only because it is not from a movie but also because you cannot go wrong with The Impressions, even if you are a subway singer. Not only does Crystal start without her signature guitar, she starts out with no musical accompaniment at all and hits it out of the park on the first pitch. Best of the night so far and she has just started. The quality stays there when Ricky and the band finally join in, and by the end everyone, including Crystal and me, have goosebumps and are in tears. It’s Jordin and “You’ll Never Walk Alone” revisited. Big Sexy utters 4 yos and gives Crystal a standing ovation, though he stops short of calling it the greatest performance in the history of the show. Chicken Little E admires Crystal’s looks and personal mic stand but says nothing about the vocals. Horny Chick thinks Crystal schooled the other contestants and thanks Crystal for listening to her by putting the guitar down. Captain Jack was finally inspired and thought she sang it “fantastically.” Trained Seal wants to know why Crystal was crying at the end of the song, and it was because Crystal’s dad was in the audience for the first time. The producers break kayfabe by showing Crystal’s rehearsal performance during the replays, when she was not crying at the end, instead of the crying end that all of America had just seen.

And now, Glee’s tribute to Madonna. Parental discretion is advised.

The Final Score: 9 shots at Big Sexy Randy; 9 shots at Captain Jack Simon; 9 shots at Horny Chick Kara; 7 shots at Trained Seal Ryan; 7 shots at Chicken Little E Ellen; 2 shots at Ricky Minor and the band, 8 shots at the audience, and 6 shots at Alicia Keys the tormentor (to be honest, she deserved a lot more but I got so bored hearing her say the same things over and over that I stopped keeping notes). There were 13 references to former Idol contestants, 10 references to other non-Idol performers, and 2 references to Drunk Chick Paula. 2 Coca-Cola treatments, 1 iTunes plug with an Idol Gives Back twist, 0 name drops, 1 K-word utterances, 1 kayfabe violation, 15 yo’s from Big Sexy, 7 performances with the string section, 1 dark horse discovery, Sharks 2, Avalanche 1, 3 songs from movies, 2 strained jokes from Chicken Little E, 2 comic hero references, and 2 goosebumps this week, one for the Sharks and one for Crystal.

Your 3 Stars of the Night: Crystal showed tonight why she is the class of the field, that is until the tweener chicks get bored with her. Lee is now officially the dark horse in the field and has the tweener chicks on his side. The rest were all just about the same, so I’ll give half a star to Aaron for trying really hard to be emotional and Siobhan half a star for giving the judges the business without sounding like she was whining.

Idol Gives Back: I was 2 for 2 with my prediction of the elimination of Andrew and Katie. So now we are down to Crystal, Siobhan, and all but one of the guys, as I had more or less predicted a few weeks ago. So much for Big Sexy’s claim of this being a chick’s year, though there is still a chance that Crystal may end up outlasting the guys if she keeps up her pace.

The Fearless Prediction: I am getting tired of predicting Tim’s departure every time there is not an obvious loser, as is the case this week, so I’ll take a chance and not predict it this time. I can easily see him in the bottom 3 though. Michael’s post-save grace period should be close to ending so I foresee him in the relegation zone also. However, I think this week I feel inspired to predict that Casey will be the lowest vote getter this week now that everyone else is starting to see my point about how his is a boring poser. There were also fewer screeches for him compared to the other dudes. Now the real question is whether or not the producers will be inspired to send him home or instead try to give Crystal and Lee heart attacks by making them think they will be sent home before declaring everyone safe for another week.

A Mess of Blues

2010-04-14T00:57:00.000-07:00

Like many of the contestants this season, both real and alleged, I am suffering from a nasty virus. However, since I do not have Trained Seal here to make excuses for me I feel that I must press on and get this recap out despite the feeling that I would be much better off going to bed early. At least the show ended 32 minutes early; it gives me at least the chance of getting to bed before Craig Ferguson comes on.

Trained Seal begins the show from “Idol Headquarters” with his usual dramatic flair, talking about how this week is the “big payback” after Big Mike was saved by Captain Jack last week. After the usual drama that is the opening title sequence, Trained Seal greets the tweener screechers with high fives and wassups. Even Ryan knows who the key demographic is for this show.

To save time for Glee the producers tell Trained Seal to skip the pleasantries with the judges and jumps right to the video on “one of music’s biggest icons,” Elvis Presley. Note my emphasis on “one,” especially after Trained Seal called the Rolling Stones “iconic,” heralded Usher as an “ultimate” R&B artist, and talked about how Miley Cyrus “conquered all corners of the entertainment world.” To further add insult to the King of Rock and Roll the producers have chosen Adam Lambert to be this week’s tormentor. Mind you there were no tormentors worthy enough to tutor the contestants on Rolling Stones and Beatles songs but somehow a guy with one year of professional experience and zero number one songs or albums is worthy enough to give advice on how to sing Elvis songs.

Yes, I am a bit sensitive, but somebody needs to stand up for the King, especially when the producers are using him to jump not just the shark but the entire tank.

Broadway Boy agreed to be a tormentor in honor of the King and somehow I strangely believe him. Adam is the first former contestant to reappear as a tormentor, and somewhere Taylor Hicks is asking “why him and not me?” It would not surprise me to learn that the producers had asked Chris Daughtry, Kelly Clarkson, and Carrie Underwood to be tormentors and got blown off, so they had to settle on Broadway Boy. I wonder why they did not ask Kris Allen, who actually beat Lambert last season. I give Adam credit for honesty when he tells us that he thinks this year’s contestants are boring and need some spicing up. After the video Trained Seal expresses his admiration for Broadway Boy’s talented tongue and the audience laughs at the ambiguously gay reference.

Crystal Bowersox, “Saved”: Crystal starts the night by talking about how she likes how Elvis combined gospel and the blues and expresses her hopes that she can do the same. Adam encourages Crystal to go with the electric guitar instead of the autographed acoustic one and to toss her dreads around more. She starts with an unusually off key big note but then settles into a nice groove. Crystal is shouting more than singing, again differing from her usual style. It was OK but not great. Big Sexy utters 3 yos; name drops Bonnie Raitt, and repeats himself by saying how great she is without saying why. Chicken Little E once again cannot offer any constructive comments so instead she goes for the cheap laugh and asks the audience if anyone in it is having a birthday. Horny Chick liked that Crystal sang a song with “controversial lyrics” and also admired how Crystal created drama with her rhythm change. She must have mistaken Crystal with one of the other contestants who always create drama and tension when they attempt to change up a song. Captain Jack admired Crystal for choosing a song that suited her voice and talked about how he could relate to the lyric about lyin’ and cheatin’. He must have mistaken this song with “You’re So Vain.” Simon also warns us that the rest of the contestants will likely sing karaoke versions of their songs while Crystal somehow managed to avoid doing this.

Andrew Garcia, “Hound Dog”: Andrew poked his nose when Trained Seal first introduced him, not a good omen. In his Coca-Cola treatment Trained Seal pressures Andrew to talk about the pressure he felt last week when he was in the bottom 2 and had to watch Michael sing for his life. Andrew’s response was bland and not worth repeating. Something about also being a father and some other stuff. Broadway Boy thought Andrew’s first performance was boring and encouraged him to change things up big time. Sadly Andrew took Adam’s advice and changed the song into the B-side of “Bossa Nova Baby.” He also seems to singing to the mic, which he carries with him, stand and all, around the stage and into the audience. Andrew sang mostly in tune but the vocal was flat, and the arrangement was really weird. Big Sexy utters 6 yos (most of the night), 2 check it outs, 1 K-word, and 1 angry “not good.” Chicken Little E liked the arrangement but wanted to see more swagger. Horny Chick did not feel enough from Andrew and thought he was using the mic as a crutch. Insert the sexual innuendo of your choice here. Captain Jack thought it was lazy, pulled out the throw-away song from a musical analogy again, and gets booed for saying that Andrew had sucked all of the coolness out of the song. Andrew responds by thanking the booers for backing him up. Trained Seal asks Ellen why her opinion is so different from Simon. Meanwhile Big Sexy is sitting there realizing he is still the forgotten man on this show. Don’t worry Randy; next season this show will be all yours, though it will be much like a hand-me-down from your older brother.

Tim Urban, “Can’t Help Falling in Love”: The legend continues for another week. Broadway Boy thought Tim’s voice and smile were “pretty” and surprisingly Tim does not seem worried about this. Adam tries to convince Tim to sing the last lyric in falsetto, part of me hopes he does not do that and another part hopes that he does. Trained Seal talks to his mom and introduces “turban” from the audience. Tim starts out without the band and his rhythm is all over the place. Too fast one lyric, too slow the next. The chorus is more in rhythm but pitchy. None of this seems to bother the waiving arms in the peanut gallery or Trained Seal, who is seen dancing with Season 8 contestant Michael Sarver during the song. Michael must have been laughed off the oil rig if he is hanging out with Broadway Boy now. Thankfully, or unfortunately, Tim did not sing the last lyric in falsetto. I liked the arrangement but was not impressed by the vocal. No surprise there. Big Sexy utters 2 yos, 2 Tim’s, and claims that he surprisingly likes it. Chicken Little E implies that she needed 4 tequila shots to like the performance but then says that it was beautiful, and somewhere Drunk Chick Paula is claiming she understands what Ellen is saying. Kara claims this was Tim’s best performance ever. Captain Jack says that Tim has gone from zero to hero in 2 weeks, and then gets cut off by the producers from saying any more positive things about Tim when they play the bumper music over his comments.

Lee DeWyze, “A Little Less Conversation”: Broadway Boy thinks Lee is a good singer but that there is nothing going on with his face. Maybe it is because the microphone glued to Lee’s face does not allow for any other movements. The best that Adam could offer is for Lee to smile more. Lee starts out with the acoustic guitar accompanied by overhand hand claps from the peanut gallery. It turns into an Phil Collins produced, Eric Clapton-like arrangement when the band kicks in. Ricky Minor gets to work in a solo. The arrangement is kind of flat but Lee’s vocal is very good. Lee is beginning to remind me of Elliott Yamin, who also started slowly but got better as he gained confidence and earned a third place finish in Season 5, knocking off Chris Daughtry in the process. Big Sexy utters 5 yos and thinks Lee is in the zone. Horny Chick thought Lee “went for it” vocally but wanted to see more playfulness. Captain Jack questions Kara on the playfulness comment, asking her if she expects him to skip around the stage or something. Horny Chick rambles on trying to justify her comment, and instead justifies my doubts about her songwriting expertise. Captain Jack lets her ramble on, and then dismisses all of it and just tells Lee that he nailed the vocal. Lee reveals to Trained Seal that Broadway Boy’s advice about smiling more actually inspired his performance. Wow, a tormentor’s advice that looked meaningless was actually helpful.

Aaron Kelly, “Blue Suede Shoes”: Aaron promised last week that he would not sing a slow ballad, and unlike that poser Casey James Aaron was true to his word, though even he was not sure about the song choice. Broadway Boy tells Aaron to growl more and to “grab” the song. I’m surprised that Aaron stood there rather than run and hide when he heard that. Aaron is trying his best to sing like Elvis in the low register but there is not a whole lot of depth there. He found some depth when he broke down the second half of the song, but still it had a lot of high school musical feel to it. At least it was not another sleepy ballad. Big Sexy utters 2 yos and learns from Aaron that the reason Aaron was uncomfortable with the song choice was because of the lyric about drinking liquor from the old fruit jar. Randy has a hard time believing that excuse but does not have the courage to challenge the teenager on his reasoning. Chicken Little E does show some guts though by asking Aaron if he had chose the song or if David Archuleta’s dad chose it for him. OK, just the first part, Ellen did not have the courage to make a joke about the stage dad. Horny Chick liked that Aaron ventured out of his comfort zone and that the lack of courage worked for him. Captain Jack, never lacking in courage, utters the K-word and shares my thought that it seemed like a put-on high school concert. Some tweener chick in the audience has the courage to scream “no way” at Simon at the end of his comments. Aaron is coughing and wheezing as Trained Seal reads the phone number but has the courage to not use it as an excuse.

Siobhan Magnus, “Suspicious Minds”: Siobhan and Broadway Boy compared their over-moussed hair dos before the break. Trained Seal asks Siobhan during her Coca-Cola treatment about the report on Elvis that Siobhan wrote in sixth grade, and then tries to get her to confess that her parents wrote the report for her. Siobhan is proud to tell Broadway Boy about how proud she is to be compared to him, presumably before Adam told Siobhan that her first rehearsal was sleepy and boring. He wants to see more rhythm and “oomph.” Siobhan starts the song at a faster pace than the original but the vocal is still sleepy. She then breaks down the song to a slower pace and interjects the screaming that the judges want to hear, though again she avoids the big note and saves the maintenance guys from another week of cleaning up the glass. It was a good vocal but only an OK arrangement. Big Sexy utters only 1 yo; name drops The Supremes, and thinks the song came alive when she started screaming. Chicken Little E liked the screaming more than the singing and acknowledged that the judges have been giving her mixed messages about whether or not she should tone down or pick up the screaming. Horny Chick is still confused about Siobhan’s two voices, the singing one and the “crazy screaming thing,” and expresses her preference for the screaming one. Captain Jack claims that Siobhan sounded like she was put into a time machine and came back 20 years later, and 2 hours after hearing this I still do not understand what he was trying to say with this strained analogy. The audience seems confused too because no one booed. Simon then rips into Siobhan for being terrible, erratic, screechy, and lost. Trained Seal challenges Simon to tell Siobhan what she should do next week, and he responds by saying she should choose a song that suits her “in the real world.” Ryan nods his head as if he understood that comment. At least it sounded sincere. This puts Siobhan over the edge, as she explains to Trained Seal that she cannot pinpoint or label what kind of artist she wants to be and does not welcome the judges’ attempts to put her in a nice, tidy box like they do with everyone else.

Next week is Idol Gives Back Week, sponsored by ExxonMobil. Trained Seal teases us by first saying that his old sidekick Brian Dunkelman will be hosting the pseudo-entertainment portion of the show, then after only getting one or two laughs from the one or two people who actually know who Brian Dunkelman is Ryan confesses that Queen Latifah will be co-hosting instead.

Michael Lynche, “In the Ghetto”: Michael chose this song at Siobhan’s suggestion, and after the reaction she got from singing “Suspicious Minds” Siobhan may be regretting giving that song to Big Mike. Broadway Boy wants Michael to ignore Captain Jack’s advice and be more dramatic, which Michael expresses doubts about since doing so last week left him singing for his life. Michael sings the whole song sitting on the stage with only minimal accompaniment from Ricky and the band. After last week’s experiment Michael has embraced his R&B-ness and does the song as a soft R&B ballad. Outside of being a bit rushed it is the best vocal of the night so far. The arrangement was beautiful like Tim Urban’s but sung 10 times better. Big Sexy utters 4 yos, 3 check it outs, and thinks the vocals were hot but a little sleepy. But that is OK because this is a singing competition. The producers rush the chicks through their positive comments but give time to Captain Jack to say that this performance was “million billion times better than last week.”

Katie Stevens, “Baby, What You Want Me To Do”: Katie chose this song because the title reflects how she feels about the judges. Seriously, this is what it has come to for her. Broadway Boy wants Katie to express her anger in her singing and to sell her anger more. Katie is back trying to look younger with the mini-skirt and black leggings outfit and avoidance of the low register song openings. She expresses her anger much like Whitney Houston does, with lots of head shifts and little expression in her voice. She tries to bond with the brass section but it still is not quite selling me, though it was a decent vocal. Big Sexy utters 1 yo and was entertained by Katie’s sassiness. Chicken Little E thought it was a horny song, but when the audience laughs at her instead of with her she explains that it was horny because there were a “lot of horns in it.” Horny Chick fakes sincerity by saying “you showed us judges.” Yeah, like that is going to stop Horny Chick from making conflicting comments about what box Katie should be stuffing herself in. Captain Jack gets booed for saying that the song was loud, annoying, and not his thing, which Horny Chick thought was an expression of confidence. Katie asks the obvious question but gets no answer.

Casey James, “Lowdy Miss Clawdy”: Casey again chooses a song that no one knows to avoid being exposed as a poser. He claims that he chose the song because it is “old school Elvis” but I am not buying it. Adam actually gives Casey some advice on his singing, the only contestant tonight to get any from Broadway Boy, but it does not sound like “very sexy Casey James” (per Trained Seal) took that advice to heart because the vocal is very flat throughout. It was in tune and on pitch but only at the end does Casey actually express some emotion. The arrangement was very new country, Garth Brooks like and not the bluesy number Casey promised it would be. He must have hid the blues in that box of his that he has still not told us about. Bug Sexy utters 2 yos and thought it was a solid “soulful bluesy thing,” though he mutters under his breath that it was nothing different. Chicken Little E thought it was not exciting but that he looked good singing within the sea of tweener girls in the audience. Horny Chick thought the performance feel short and that there is “so much more” in Casey, then searched for that extra prescription for Viagra. Captain Jack thought the vocal was good but that it was forgettable and a waste of the opportunity that comes with being in the closer spot. Casey did not look happy that the judges were critiquing his awesome performance.

Trained Seal is told by the producers to stall for time since they actually finished early for once, so Ryan exaggerates about how there will be no more saves or second chances after Michael was saved last week, and then plugs Glee again to close out the show.

Glee out!

The Final Score: 19 shots at Trained Seal Ryan; 13 shots at Big Sexy Randy; 13 shots at Captain Jack Simon; 11 shots at Horny Chick Kara; 6 shots at Chicken Little E Ellen; 4 shots at Ricky Minor and the band, 8 shots at the audience, and 12 shots at Broadway Boy Adam Lambert the tormentor. There were 10 references to former Idol contestants (not counting Lambert) including 2 references to Chris Daughtry, 12 references to other non-Idol performers, 1 reference to Drunk Chick Paula, and 1 reference to a former Idol host. 2 Coca-Cola treatments, 1 iTunes plug (Steve Jobs must have called), 2 name drops, 2 K-word utterances, 25 yo’s from Big Sexy, 3 song breakdowns, 2 over-moussed hair-dos, 1 ambiguously gay reference to talented tongue work, 1 AT&T shout-out from Trained Seal, and no goosebumps this week, maybe because no one tried "Viva Las Vegas" even though the sessions with Broadway Boy were in Vegas. At least no one tried to sing "Trouble" again.

Your 3 Stars of the Night: Michael was clearly scared by having to be saved by Captain Jack last week and went back to the R&B ballads that he does so well. Crystal was her usual solid self, though someone pointed out last week that she is in danger of falling into the trap Melinda Doolittle feel into where the tweener voters got bored by her consistency and voted instead for Blake Lewis because he was cute. Lee DeWyze is starting to emerge as a dark horse who could steal this thing if he keeps this up.

Idol Gives Back: Last week’s bottom 3 was a surprise to me except for Andrew. While Aaron was not very good I figured his appeal to the tweener chicks would keep him out of the relegation zone for longer than this. I was very amused by how the judges’ save came about. While Michael was singing for his life the other judges, in particular Horny Chick, were frantically waving their arms about while all the while Captain Jack was just sitting there, suggesting to me that the other three bozos wanted to save Michael but Simon was refusing to say what his vote would be until he had to. Classic stuff that will be greatly missed after Captain Jack leaves the show after this season.

The Fearless Prediction: 2 contestants have to go tomorrow so I guess I have to select a bottom 4. Michael and Tim seem safe after their performances tonight, and Casey’s looks should buy him a few more weeks. Crystal is still destined to be the last chick eliminated, and Lee is steadily building a larger fan base if the screeches from the audience are any indication. So that leaves Katie, Siobhan, Aaron, and Andrew as your bottom 4. I suspect that after last week’s scare that the tweeners will save Aaron, and while I have sneaky suspicion that Siobhan may now be in danger, especially with the judges’ save gone, I do not want to see her go just yet. So my prediction is that Andrew and Katie will be sent home on double elimination night and miss out on next week’s fake telethon.

Imagine There Will Be An Answer

2010-04-07T01:27:00.000-07:00

There is a way to fix this you know. All of you preparing to go on hunger strikes and burn effigies of Tim Urban, there is a way to fix this without resorting to violence or voodoo. Just get rid of the text voting. It is faster to place a text vote than a phone-in vote, even for a clumsy txtr like me, so just imagine how quickly a 12 year old girl who has been texting her entire life can place a bunch of votes while her cougar mom and grandma are waiting for the busy signal to end. Then imagine how many votes the tweener can make when you realize she will never see the 4 figure phone bill like mom and grandma do. Of course, for the reasons I outlined last week there is no way the Idol producers will alienate their most loyal audience that also happens to be an advertiser’s favorite, even though the rest of America is turning the channel to Dancing with the Stars.

This recap is dedicated to one, perhaps the only one, of my faithful readers who is about to go to war with the Big C. This one is for you Lil; it is for you that I am staying up until 2 AM each Tuesday night writing these things.

Trained Seal begins the show from the control booth, even though we can still hear the screeches from the peanut gallery as Ryan plays director as well as star. After the traditional opening credits, deep voice announcer, and the look from Chicken Little E that suggests she is still amazed to be here, Trained Seal wishes departed contestant Didi Benami well with a bit of a smirk on his face. Didi’s bitter comments to the press this past week may explain why the producers asked Trained Seal to try and pretend that he was sort of sincere.

Tonight’s theme is the songs of John Lennon and Paul McCartney. Rather than serve as a tormentor Sir Paul sends his greetings via video from somewhere far, far away. Trained Seal asks Randy how tonight’s contestants can possibly follow up the “standout night” the contestants in Season 7 had when they too sang Lennon/McCartney songs. I did not hear what Big Sexy said because my phone rang, but if it was anything close to agreeing with Trained Seal’s assessment of the butcher job the Season 7 contestants did with this theme I did not want to hear it. Chicken Little E said nothing of note, a technique she would use after every contestant tonight. Horny Chick uses her vast knowledge and expertise in songwriting to talk about why she thinks Lennon/McCartney songs are so good. Captain Jack agrees with Kara and says some other meaningless things.

Aaron Kelly, “The Long and Winding Road”: Tonight each of the contestants get roasted by the others, which Trained Seal bills as “inside information.” The other contestants talk about Aaron’s awesome Yoda impersonations and how Aaron’s maturity and knack for Jedi mind tricks reminds them all of the little green master. Once again Aaron has selected a slow, boring ballad and once again he sings it more or less on pitch and in tune. Once again the peanut gallery is waving their arms to the keep themselves awake during Aaron’s performance. But hey, it’s working for him and for the tweeners who keep voting for him. Big Sexy utters 3 yos; name drops Rascal Flatts, but did not like the sleepy arrangement and did not get booed. Chicken Little E thought Aaron was “fantastic” but that it also seemed like “the long and winding song.” That earned her a boo or two. Kara complains that Aaron keeps singing the same song every week and wants to hear him sing something more up tempo. Aaron responds by vowing to sing something faster next week. Captain Jack asks “sweetie” why he chose that song, and Aaron talks about how this show has been a long and winding road for him. The captain starts talking about how boring and afraid to change Aaron is when he gets interrupted by a loud and direct “BOO” from some guy in the audience. More from him later. Aaron tells Trained Seal about how he “definitely” believed in the song and hears a loud “I love you!” from a different member of the audience. Last time I remember hearing that shouted at a contestant the contestant in question ended up winning the show.

Katie Stevens, “Let It Be”: Trained Seal asks Katie about the 5 prom date proposals she has received from some adoring fans. Katie promises to accept the proposal of the guy who has voted for her the most, as long as they can prove it with phone records. The other contestants talk about how she is everyone’s little sister and how she is a master of the “single lady dance.” I must admit it is pretty darn cool. Katie goes back to the low register start to her song but it is more in tune than usual this time. For the first time I can actually hear the country in her voice that Captain Jack has been claiming exists for several weeks now. Her louder notes are actually pretty good and pretty close to good pitch. I can even feel some emotion from her for once, though I would guess the judges will again whine about how too old and old-fashioned it sounds. Big Sexy utters 3 yos and declares that it was Katie’s best vocal ever. Chicken Little E tells Katie that she won’t be in the bottom 3 this week, without hearing the 7 other contestants yet. I cannot help by reminisce about how Drunk Chick used to say those kinds of things between shots. Horny Chick thinks Katie is blossoming because she is finally listening to what the judges have been telling her. Captain Jack thinks Katie has finally gotten it right by not listening to Horny Chick and instead listening to him and his advice for her to sing country. Horny Chick and Big Sexy of course defend themselves and make fun of Captain Jack and this country thing. Trained Seal joins the fun by asking Katie which country she thinks Simon is referring to.

Andrew Garcia, “Can’t Buy Me Love”: Apparently Andrew is the resident class clown and no one can understand why Captain Jack keeps claiming that Andrew has no personality. Andrew promises to sing this song with a little bit of a twist, and instead throws about 5 or 6 major twists into the song. It was an OK vocal though the ever changing arrangements left me all confused. At least he did not do a ballad version of a hip hop song this time. While none of the judges mention the Drunk Chick song someone in the audience holds up a sign saying “We’re straight up for Andrew!” Big Sexy utters 1 yo and while he thought it was solid he also thought it was corny. Chicken Little E can only say that “you can buy love,” a statement that Horny Chick quickly gets behind. Horny Chick cannot bring herself to love Andrew’s performance though and does not love the smattering of boos either. She did love the breakdown though, which must have been one of the many arrangement changes Andrew made that I lost track of after about the 5th one. Captain Jack goes after Ricky Minor and the band, saying that they overpowered the song and made it all irrelevant. Andrew claims had fun though.

Michael Lynche, “Eleanor Rigby”: As expected there were lots of comments from a number of contestants about how big Mike is and how he greets everyone and everything with a high-pitched “hey.” It appeared at first to me to be an unusual song choice for Mister R&B, but Mike explained that he used to sing this song all the time with his family band The Lynche Mob. Now that is corny. Michael lays out the drama from beginning to end, though it sounded a little awkward to me. It sounded like he was trying to fight the urge to turn the song into another R&B number. At the end it sounded like Mike just gave up on the R&B thing and just sang the song. It is no coincidence that this was the best part of his performance. Big Sexy utters 2 quick yos and tells Mike that he has the license to sing whatever he wants even if it does not all work like this time. Horny Chick heaps all kinds of praise on Michael’s fiery vocals and claims that this is what the show is all about. Between her and Big Sexy I have lost count of the number of claims they have made about what the show is all about. Captain Jack gets booed by the audience and a funny face from Michael for claiming that the performance was right out of a musical and was over the top. Big Sexy retorts by claiming that Michael’s performance was current because it would fit right in with Glee. The Fox folks slide some more Benjamin’s into Big Sexy’s pocket for that plug. Horny Chick agrees with Randy but then claims that she is not saying the same thing as him. She repeats this to Trained Seal just to make sure everyone knows that she is an idiot. Michael cannot seem to figure out what to do about Captain Jack’s comment except to challenge him to a pec contest. Typical jock, resorting to chest puffing when standard logic fails.

Crystal Bowersox, “Come Together”: During her Coca Cola treatment Crystal talks about the new city sign her dad put up in her hometown of Elliston, Ohio. Trained Seal also asks about her little cold, but unlike the others Crystal does not used it as an excuse and later tells Trained Seal that she will sing from her death bed if she had to. Now that is honesty. All of the contestants brag about Crystal “Mama Sox” motherly instincts and honesty. The song starts with a note from a didgeridoo, which I am pretty sure is a first for this show. Crystal bops along to a pretty nice groove and kicks it up a notch towards the end. She even cracks a smile. This performance is mixing in a little Melissa Etheridge with her standard Janis Joplin sound. Best of the night so far and the best song choice of the night. Big Sexy utters 3 yos and thinks that it is solid though he was distracted by the Aussie instrument. Chicken Little E loved the didgeridoo and later claims to Trained Seal that she has actually played one before. Most have been on own of her shows that I have never watched. Horny Chick name drops Bonnie Raitt and thought Crystal was slinky and sexy. Hopefully Crystal will keep ignoring Kara’s comments. Captain Jack does too and tells Crystal that her act is working because she is honest. The didgeridoo player, Ernie Fields, Jr., gets a shout out and accompanies Trained Seal’s reading of Crystal’s phone number.

Tim Urban, “All My Loving”: No surprise, all of the contestants brag about Tim’s smile because, let’s face it, they all know that is all his has going for him. Tim seems to know this too, so he picked a song that he could sing with a smile. Tim has traded up from an acoustic guitar to an electric one, but it does not seem to make any difference. He is still pitchy and I still cannot hear the guitar. Is it plugged in? Funny, I did not see a single smile the entire song, except from me. I could not keep myself from laughing at the end of this. It was no train wreck or anything but it is clear he has no business still being on this show. Big Sexy utters 4 Tim’s but no yos, and then says it was a good “Tim performance” because he has given up saying anything critical about this kid. Randy also admires Tim’s mop top hairdo and talks about getting one himself. Chicken Little E thought it was his second best performance this season (first being Tim Buckley’s “Hallelujah”) and gives another reason for the tweeners to screech. Horny Chick praises Tim for enduring the judge’s criticisms but saying nothing worth noting about his performance tonight. Captain Jack actually claims that it was good on its own merits and does not qualify it like Big Sexy did, and then praises Tim for taking the judge’s criticism like a man rather than whining and making funny faces, except for the funny faces that he makes when he sings. It seems the dude judges have gone into full Sanjaya mode, heaping false praise on Tim in the hopes that the tweeners will stop feeling sorry for him and vote for someone else. Tim apparently did not watch Season 6 because of instead of seeing through this ploy he acts stunned that the judges actually praised him for once. Trained Seal tells the screamers to stop interrupting him and works in a promo for the summer tour by telling the screamers that they can scream all they want if they buy a concert ticket.

Casey James, “Jealous Guy”: Leave it to the poser to choose a song from Lennon’s solo career instead of a Beatles song. The other contestants talk about how Casey acts like a playboy and a soap opera star. See, it is not just me who sees this guy as a poser. I am just the only one willing to call him on it. The contestants also make fun of his goldilocks hair. At least I have not done that. Casey has switched guitars with Tim, using the acoustic guitar this time instead of his self-indulgent electric one. Casey sings the whole song acoustically with only a cello accompaniment, and stays in tune and on pitch the whole time. I hate to say it, but Casey was actually good. His vocal showed some soul and was his most authentic performance to date; and there was no self-indulgent guitar solo to be found. Big Sexy utters 1 yo; name drops Stevie Ray Vaughan, and proclaims that he felt Casey up. Chicken Little E makes a quick joke about Casey’s hair and drops some boring words of praise. Horny Chick talks about how Casey finally showed some depth and vulnerability that his performances have been lacking so far. See, even the Horny Chick thinks this guy is a poser. Captain Jack thought it was the best performance of the night so far and was impressed by the “ginormous” difference from last week. Casey tells us that the emotion came from “thinking about being a jealous guy.” Trained Seal thought that was believable, and so do I.

Siobhan Magnus, “Across the Universe”: The other contestants were unanimous that Siobhan is “amazingly weird,” unique, and can hit some crazy ridiculous notes. Siobhan promises something different in her video and I wonder if that means she will be a regular person tonight. The paper mache skirt would suggest otherwise, though her hairstyle is much more subdued than her usual coif. Siobhan has changed up the song a bit and turned it into a pure ballad that sounds like it is from a musical. I am very impressed by her beautiful tone and control. Even her usual big note was in tune and low key. All in all it was very delicate and beautiful. I had tears in my eyes instead of goosebumps on my arms at the end. Big Sexy uttered 1 yo and thought it was too sleepy, but he loved the tenderness and artistry. Chicken Little E name drops Rufus Wainwright and supports Siobhan’s weirdness, but says nothing about the performance worth repeating. Horny Chick is having a hard time processing the fact that Siobhan actually sang the song instead of screaming it like she usually does. Kara does not seem to like the fact that Siobhan hit all her notes and showed control and restraint. Captain Jack wants to know what Siobhan was connecting too while singing the song. Siobhan starts to get emotional as she talks about how she was competing for her baby sisters and that she connected to the lyric that nothing was going to change her world. Simon started talking about how much better she was than last week and how he likes that Siobhan is confusing Horny Chick when he gets interrupted by the same guy that loudly booed him during Aaron’s critique. The judges demand that the heckler stand up and identify himself. Earl seems to like Siobhan’s performance so Trained Seal invites him to the stage and give Siobhan a hug while her phone number is read.

Lee DeWyze, “Hey Jude”: I guess it makes sense for the dude in the closer spot to sing the same song Paul McCartney closes his show with; at least I think he does. “Hey Jude does seem like a natural encore song though, kind of like”Freebird”. Lee is the resident worry wart who is always worried that he will be booted off the show no matter how good his performance is. As long as Tim stays on the show Lee should have nothing to worry about. The contestants also take about Lee’s bromance with Andrew. Crystal gets line of the night honors by saying that Lee and Andrew should get married and make “Danny Gokey babies.” Lee starts the song in a higher chord than the original version and has a hard time hitting all the new notes. Ricky and the band slide in during the second verse but it does not seem to help Lee’s pitch. That is until Lee gets to the shouting part of the song. Things seem to be going fine now and then a bagpipe player walks down the stairs and accompanies Lee for the rest of the song. At least the bagpipe player pretended like he did until he scurried off the stage at the end because I could not hear it over Ricky and the band. It had some good moments and some bad ones, but nothing that will change someone’s life. Big Sexy utters 2 yos; thought the bagpipes were funny, thought Lee was hot, and urges Lee to “please believe.” Chicken Little E strains to make a joke about the bagpipes. Horny Chick says the same thing as Big Sexy except for the yos. Captain Jack thought Lee was doing great until the distracting bagpipe showed up. Trained Seal strains to make a joke about Jude being Scottish and questions Lee on why he wanted a bagpipe player to perform on his song. Lee’s simple response: “why not man!” Why not indeed.

Play “Freebird!”

The Final Score: 20 shots at Horny Chick Kara; 16 shots at Big Sexy Randy; 16 shots at Captain Jack Simon; 15 shots at Trained Seal Ryan; 10 shots at Chicken Little E Ellen; 2 shots at Ricky Minor and the band, 13 shots at the audience, and no tormentor to take a shot at. There were 4 references to former Idol contestants, 9 references to other non-Idol performers (including Yoda), and 3 references to Drunk Chick Paula. I would guess this number will drop to 0 as soon as Andrew Garcia leaves the show. 2 Coca-Cola treatments, 3 name drops, 0 K-word utterances, 16 yo’s from Big Sexy, 2 blossoming contestants, 2 foreign instruments, 1 “sweetie” contestant, 1 pec contest challenge, 1 call for an encore, and a tear instead of a goosebump.

Your 3 Stars of the Night: Crystal Bowersox earned her place back in this paragraph after taking a week off to get Horny Chick to stopping whining about how Crystal would not wear high heels. Siobhan Magnus brought me to tears in a good way. And yes, I have to give Casey James a star for his performance. Hopefully I will feel better in the morning about this. Honorable mention to Katie Stevens for pulling out her best performance of the season when she desperately needed to have any chance of staying on the show.

Idol Gives Back: The ESP was on overdrive last week. Not only did I correctly predict that Didi would be sent home, not only did I predict that Katie and Tim would join Didi in the relegation zone, but I also foresaw the lame Clash of the Titans promo. Release the Kraken! Sadly, this accurate prediction also confirmed my suspicion that tweener girls have hijacked the voting.

The Fearless Prediction: I have resorted to trying to gauge the level of screeches from the audience after each contestant’s performance to try and guess who will be sent home. I cannot see how there would not be at least one chick in the relegation zone, so I would guess that Siobhan will be there because Katie sang her way out of it and Siobhan got criticized by the judges for not screaming. Aaron deserves to be in the bottom 3 but there is no way he will be placed there until at least Idol Gives Back week, or until all the chicks are eliminated. I keep predicting that Andrew will end up in the bottom 3 so I will try that again. I do believe, though, that this is the week that Tim Urban will finally be voted off the show, despite the smile and the screeches. There are just not that many chicks left that can be voted off before him.

And if Katie or Siobhan get voted off this week then I will consider giving up this blog and finding another outlet for my wit and sarcasm. Well, since Broadway Boy is going to be the tormentor next week I might wait a week before doing that.

Please believe!

Stress and Strain

2010-03-31T01:48:00.000-07:00

Imagine the possibility that the final 7 could consist of Crystal Bowersox and all 6 guys, or that the final 8 could consist of Crystal, Siobhan Magnus, and all 6 guys. This is a very real possibility given how things are shaping up, and this after both Big Sexy and Captain Jack claimed that this was a “girl’s year.” It would also be a clear sign (as if Kris Allen was not enough) that the tweener girls have hijacked the voting and potentially alienated the rest of America. The real question is whether or not the producers of American Idol or the folks at Fox even care. Tweener girls are a highly sought after advertiser’s demographic after all, and the Fox folks know that they have Captain Jack’s X-Factor show to fall back on if their current cash cow runs dry.

“OK guys, here we go,” declares Trained Seal as he starts the show back stage with the contestants standing at attention and the judges pretending to make out. Ryan then takes the stage to a standing ovation from the peanut gallery as the opening credits roll. Trained Seal asks the audience to call out the name of who they think will win, and the expected cacophony occurs. The only names Ryan claims to hear are Clay Aiken’s and Simon’s.

Tonight’s tormentor for Soul/R&B night is Usher, a “big gun” with the ultimate R&B show, at least according to Trained Seal. Whatever happened to tormentors like Stevie Wonder who does not have to pretend that he is a big name in the business? Usher asks the contestants for permission to hurt their feelings, a consideration that I have never bothered to consider in the 4 seasons I have been recapping this show. Maybe I can learn something from the tormentor for a change. After the promo video Usher and Trained Seal bond in the audience and promote the new Usher album, shades drawn of course. I guess wearing shades indoors is Usher’s “thang”. Trained Seal tries to provoke Usher to admit that some of his songs may offend people he knows. Usher of course dances around the question. A number of contestants did this tonight when pushed by Ryan to respond to personal questions, so perhaps they too learned something from the tormentor this week.

Siobhan Magnus, “Through the Fire” by Chaka Khan: Siobhan admits that she has been a big fan of Usher since she was 6 years old; a funny thing to say considering Usher looks about 5 years younger than Siobhan. Usher comments on Siobhan’s outfit but does not say much about her singing except that she has a surprisingly loud voice. He does not bother to mention the large tattoo on Siobhan’s right shoulder that she has been hiding all this time. Siobhan tells us that she just cannot wear regular dress and heels, one week after she admitted that she is a little bit strange. At least she is honest even if she is a little bit, well, weird. Siobhan starts the song slow and still in a pair of “Missy Elliott” boots as described by Trained Seal. The first verse sounds kind of muffled and tentative, not what we usually hear from Siobhan. The choruses have the usual big, long notes from her, but they sound even more strained than the big notes Siobhan sang last week. The final big notes are a little better but seem forced. Big Sexy utters 1 yo and then claims it was a “little” pitchy. He still liked Siobhan’s courage and her big boots, because this is a singing competition. Chicken Little E still likes Siobhan but thinks she wandered off of the trail and got scared, one of many analogies that Ellen strained to get out tonight. Horny Chick is still in love with the screaming parts, because again this is a singing competition and Kara is an expert in singing, and then tells Siobhan that she is entitled to an off night. Captain Jack of course disagrees and tells Siobhan that it sounded like she was running a marathon while singing the song. This of course earns Simon a chorus of boos, who in turn earn a rebuke from Captain Jack. He is not only bored with the boos but also with the screaming from Siobhan that Horny Chick is in love with. Trained Seal questions the judges on their comments, which sets off a second round of critiques from them. Siobhan told Ryan that she wanted to try something different even if she did not “kill it,” and everyone looks at Captain Jack to point out the irony of that sentence. Simon did not disappoint, calling Siobhan’s performance “manslaughter.” I think you can get parole for that, though. Chicken Little E adds a comment about “gilding the lily” and I am too tired to comment on the other comments. I swear if they are going to do this double comment thing after every contestant I am going to up all night again.

After the break we see Siobhan sulking at the green room buffet table and getting a big sympathy hug from Mike. We got to see and hear all of the contestants back stage after their performances, though Siobhan’s is the only one that warrants a comment.

Casey James, “Hold On, I’m Comin’” by Sam and Dave: Casey promised during the semis that he would reveal his pre-show routine and what is in his box if he reached the Top 10. Well, we are still waiting poser. Casey thinks this week is perfect for him because he is such the R&B/soul artist. Usher thinks he is a rock star even though Casey cannot seem to remember the lyrics. The tormentor also likes Casey’s swagger. I do not, if this is not obvious to you by now. Casey starts solo but quickly Ricky and the band kick in and have a rollicking good time with this song. Casey seems to be too, which as you all know is the most important thing to the contestants on this singing competition. Casey’s singing is decent though very staccato. I also think he made up the words to the second verse. That is one way to avoid getting called out for forgetting the lyrics. Captain Jack would normally call him on that but he clearly does not care any more. And once again Casey finishes with a self-indulgent guitar solo. Funny you don’t hear Horny Chick asking Casey to drop his guitar like she is doing with all the chick singers. Big Sexy utters 3 yos, says Casey’s name twice, name drops Sam Moore, and says nothing else worth noting. Ellen loves the vocals and the consistency but gets booed by describing the performance as safe and generic. She is clearly straining to be both funny and positive and I am really missing Drunk Chick now because Paula never had to try to be both; she was just naturally that way. Horny Chick thinks Casey is holding back and wants him to show her everything he’s got. Yes, Trained Seal did make a snide comment about this later. Captain Jack just wants to be honest when he tells Casey that it was his best performance to date and showed a new side as an artist. Casey promises Trained Seal that he will play acoustic guitar next week instead of the electric strings. Maybe that is what he has in that box.

Michael Lynche, “Ready for Love” by India Arie: Usher gives Big Mike his best advice of the night after Mike tells him that he will be playing a guitar this week: “chicks dig a guy who can play a guitar and sing.” Perhaps to some of you this is obvious but Mike treats this as words of infinite wisdom. Usher shows off his ability to look into the camera and connect with the audience and urges Mike to do the same. Mike starts his song slow and sitting behind the judges with his eyes closed instead of making love at the camera as Usher suggested. He does not seem to need Usher’s advice, though, as Mike is getting very romantic all on his own. The mosh pit does the hand waiving thing again but because Mike has his eyes closed and his back turned to the peanut gallery it is not a distraction. It is a nice, silky vocal. For once Michael was a singer and not so much of a performer. Big Sexy utters 1 yo, 2 looks, 2 Mikes, and thinks Mike is “in the zone” with the “sensitive thing.” Chicken Little E thought it was beautiful and strains to make a joke about people singing behind her back. Horny Chick had never heard this song before, even though she is a trained professional, but thought that Mike found the true emotion in the song even though he is “so far away from that.” So far away from what? Captain Jack can finally take Michael seriously as an artist instead of being a “silly karaoke singer.” Trained Seal solicits a positive comment from the tormentor in the audience before reading the phone number.

Didi Benami, “What Becomes of the Brokenhearted” by Jimmy Ruffin: Didi tells us that this song struck a nerve with her and gets all emotional after she sang it to Usher. Usher tries to urge Didi to use that emotion in her singing, though Didi is not sure that she can control it for a full 90 seconds. She bounces in and out of pitch while singing the first verse. The chorus is a little better but the second verse is even pitchier than the first. Didi keeps the emotion in check but she is clearly struggling to do so. She is wearing a nice dress though. Big Sexy utters 1 yo and thought the song was flat line. Randy gets booed but is still keeping it real. Chicken Little E strains to call it “dramatic” and can’t think of anything else to say. She gets booed for her troubles too. Horny Chick I think says “it’s over dumb girl,” but because no one booed her I wonder if I heard that correctly. Kara then babbles on about her confusion because Didi refuses to stay in the singer/songwriter box Horny Chick wants to put her in. Captain Jack prompts some more boos by telling Didi that her performance was over the top, old fashioned, off melody, no longer contemporary (was she ever?), and sounded like she was swimming in jelly and like a song from a dancing show. Big Sexy wants to know if Simon was referring to that goofy dance show across the hall with the screaming chick or the other dancing show that will soon overtake Idol in the ratings. Trained Seal asks Didi to elaborate on why the song struck a nerve with her. Didi dances around the question so Trained Seal rephrases it and asks her why she was crying after she sang the song to Usher. Again Didi deflects the question and then tries to distract Ryan by saying that it was because of him. Finally Trained Seal gets the hint and tells us that Didi was thinking of someone specific when she sang the song.

Tim Urban, “Sweet Love” by Anita Baker: Teflon Tim gets the first of two Coca-Cola treatments tonight. Trained Seal asks Tim about his new nickname and he thinks its all good, for while he respects what the judges say he is just out there to have fun. If I had a dime for every Idol contestant who has ever said that. I would be a millionaire from this season alone. After Tim’s first performance Usher does not believe that Tim has ever been in love, so he asks Tim to pretend that he is in love with him. When that does not work Usher suggests using an imaginary lover as motivation. This does not seem to work that well either but both Tim and Usher feel more comfortable about it. Tim takes a chance and puts down the guitar and sits on a chair. He has changed up the arrangement to get around how weak his voice is compared to Anita Baker’s and has only marginal success. He actually looks kind of sad, and this is supposed to be a love song. Tim sang a decent vocal for him, the key phrase being “for him.” Big Sexy utters 1 yo, 1 dog, and thinks there were both plusses and minuses in the performance. Randy then goes into detail on the minuses, straining to compare Tim’s performance to a singing waiter and saying that it was pedestrian and without swag or “looove” with a vibrato. Do you know what I’m sayin’? Chicken Little E claims that there is a drinking game out there that requires players to take a drink when she says “adorable.” I think she is not nearly as popular with college students as she thinks she is. Ellen wonders why in the world Tim chose that song and thought his walking around stage was like someone sneaking into a bedroom. Horny Chick thought it was Broadway at times, Vegas at other times, and thought Tim took the soul out of the song on R&B/Soul night. Kara then gets all upset when Tim starts laughing instead of standing there pretending like he is listening. Captain Jack pulls out the mouse pretending to be an elephant analogy again and then talks about how it does not matter what the judges say because Tim and his tweener girl fan base do not care. Simon has clearly gone into Sanjaya Malakar mode here with Teflon Tim. I can only imagine what the folks at Vote for the Worst.com think about this.

Andrew Garcia, “Forever” by Chris Brown: Usher thinks Andrew is nervous as all out during his first performance, so he pulls off the shades to be sincere, urging Andrew to believe in himself and believe in the acoustic version of the song. The strings are back but are hiding in the mosh pit. Andrew is pulling another “Straight Up”, taking a hip hop dance song and turning it into a ballad. At least this time it is a song originally sung by a male artist. And like his performance of the Drunk Chick song Andrew has a strong vocal and is making the song his own. Well done. Big Sexy utters 6 yos (tops for the night) and declares that Andrew is back from wherever he has been the last several weeks. Chicken Little E thinks Andrew finally competed with that “other song.” Horny Chick is happy to declare that Andrew has taken “one giant leap” from wherever he has been the last several weeks. Captain Jack thought this performance was miles better from where Andrew has been the last several weeks but still thinks Andrew is boring. While Trained Seal threatens to get in his grill again Simon strains to explain that contestants cannot be boring if they hope to win, right after saying that Tim Urban has no chance to win even though he is getting by only because of his personality. Trained Seal does finally back away but then mentioned the Drunk Chick song again and provokes Andrew’s mom to come forward and give Simon a piece of her mind.

Katie Stevens, “Think” by Aretha Franklin: Katie claims that she had a brush with Usher at a concert some time ago. Usher of course blew her off then but is reluctant to admit it now that Katie is all famous and stuff. Usher urges Katie to adopt a diva attitude and to try and personalize the song by singing it to one guy in the audience. Pretty much the same advice he gave Michael except with the other gender. For once Katie does not start the song in her low register but she is still pitchy. Katie is certainly dressed like she is trying to convey an attitude with her sleeveless blouse and short skirt. She is more or less in tune and her pitch got better as the song went along, but it was flat for me. I kept waiting for her allegedly big voice to bust out and it never did. Not a good thing to happen when you are trying to sing an Aretha song. Big Sexy utters only 1 yo and thought it was disconnected vocally. Even so, he thought it was the best vocal of the night because Katie sounded like Christina Aguilera. Chicken Little E annoys me by mentioning the snuggie poof again and whining about how Katie is acting too mature. Earth to Ellen, the girl is 17, get over it will ya? OK, enough of that. Horny Chick thought it was Katie’s best performance to date and that she is finally where she belongs, but she is still not acting young enough. Captain Jack cannot believe that Big Sexy compared Katie to Christina Aguilera. In response, both Randy and Horny Chick claim that Big Sexy did not mean to compare Katie to Christina, only that Katie has the potential to be as good as Christina. That is not what I heard though. Captain Jack then tells Katie that her performance was good but cold, robotic, and like someone from Star Search. Ironically Christina Aguilera got her first break appearing on Star Search, a fun fact you can share with your friends. He finishes his comments by again claiming that Horny Chick is an idiot and that Katie would be foolish to listen to her. Horny Chick again claims that Captain Jack thinks Katie should be a country singer, while Big Sexy chimes in to say that he sees Katie as a pop singer with an R&B lean. No wonder Katie is so lost. The judges still cannot agree on what box they want to force Katie into. Katie tells Trained Seal that she only listens to herself and not to any of the judges, but I am still waiting to see proof that Katie actually believes this.

Lee DeWyze, “Treat Her Like a Lady” by Cornelius Brothers and Sister Rose: Lee gets the second Coca-Cola treatment of the night and still looks and sounds like he is scared. Trained Seal plays the sympathy card and tells us that Lee has walking pneumonia. Usher is impressed by Lee’s voice but can smell the fear. “If you don’t believe it they won’t,” he advises Lee, who treats this like something from Socrates. It did the trick though, because Lee is showing lots of energy in this performance. He is showing good range, decent vocals, and he is not trying to swallow the microphone. Wait, is that a goosebump? And Crystal is not performing? How about that! Big Sexy utters 2 yos, 3 check it outs, 2 bombs, and 1 unbelievable. Ellen thought it was the best of the night. Horny Chick thought Lee brought the song into his world, whatever that means. Captain Jack gets all serious when he tells Lee that he has always believed in him even when Lee did not believe in himself and that tonight Lee finally justified that belief by giving a performance that will change his life forever. I told you he was all serious.

Crystal Bowersox, “Midnight Train to Georgia” by Gladys Knight and the Pips: Crystal promised some surprises this week and unalike that poser Casey she actually delivered. Not only is Crystal wearing high heels for the first time she is also playing a piano instead of a guitar. Usher thought it was a grand idea (pun semi intended) even though Crystal has not played a piano in years. Her rustiness at the keyboards is evident when she starts the song as Crystal keeps looking at the keyboard instead of at the hand waving audience. She finally gives up and gets off the bench to sing the chorus. The chick back-up singers are a little odd for a song famous for male back-up singers but Crystal is still working the room fairly well. It was not her best performance but she did change up a lot of things and still managed to give a decent performance. She even wore a dress if you can believe it. Big Sexy utters 2 yos, loves the outfit, and name drops Gladys Knight, who Randy is apparently working with right now, or so he says. Chicken Little E thinks Crystal is “in it to win it,” a revelation the rest of us had over a month ago. Horny Chick is happy that someone is actually listening to her. Captain Jack thought the female back-up singers were “old fashioned” but that it was still a great song choice for her. He then gets serious for the second contestant in a row when he tells Crystal to not listen to the idiot next to him and not let “the process” suck her identity out of her. He clearly wants Crystal to win and justify his claim that this is supposed to be a girl’s year. Trained Seal does not think that Crystal would take a bigger risk and wear a one shoulder blouse like the one Horny Chick is wearing. Crystal thought it was cute but did not commit to wearing something like it.

Aaron Kelly, “Ain’t No Sunshine” by Bill Withers: Usher thought Aaron was incredible and pushed him to make the famous “I know’s” in the song “personal and theatric,” his “personalized moment.” Is it just me or has Usher gotten personal with pretty much all of the contestants? Trained Seal reminds us that Aaron is ditching high school to be on this show, though this time he made no claims that Aaron was sick. He starts out kind of rushed, though he does sell the “I knows” pretty well. No shrieks from the mosh pit though so I am wondering if they were just muted or if there is something wrong. It was your typical Aaron Kelly performance, a decent vocal of a nice and easy ballad. I wonder if Aaron will ever have the courage to defy the judges and the tweeners and do another type of song. Big Sexy utters 2 yos and sort of says that Aaron worked it out. Chicken Little E strains to make another joke about Aaron’s age. Kara liked it but did not love it. Captain Jack thought it was OK but it was a cupcake compared to Lee’s main course, and again utters he belief that the tweener girls will keep in on the show for another week.

We’re out 2 minutes late with only 10 contestants. Release the Kraken!

The Final Score: 22 shots at Trained Seal Ryan; 18 shots at Captain Jack Simon; 16 shots at Horny Chick Kara; 15 shots at Big Sexy Randy; 11 shots at Chicken Little E Ellen; 3 shots at Ricky Minor and the band, 10 shots at the audience, and 21 shots at Usher the personal tormentor. There were 3 references to former Idol contestants, 6 references to other non-Idol performers (not counting the tormentor), and 5 references to Drunk Chick Paula. 2 Coca-Cola treatments, no iTunes plugs yet again, 3 name drops, 1 K-word utterance, 20 yo’s from Big Sexy, 2 references to dance shows, 2 references to Star Search, 1 tattoo, 1 manslaughter charge, 1 claim about a drinking game, 1 Greek philosopher, 1 broken promise, 1 kept promise, 1 cupcake, and the first goosebump not generated by Crystal.

Your 3 Stars of the Night: Lee finally stopped singing like he was in front of a firing squad and was the best of the night. I am forced to agree with Horny Chick that if Lee can do this next week he’ll be back in the title hunt. Andrew finally got the judges to stop comparing his performances to the Horny Chick song by doing the same thing to a Chris Brown song. Michael managed to be romantic without being dramatic and gets the third star.

Idol Gives Back: No surprise that Paige Miles ended up being sent home. None of these chicks can afford to crash and burn like she did last week and expect to stick around. Just as Katie, who found herself again on the hot seat. I avoided picking Teflon Tim because of fears that he would embarrass me as much as he did Captain Jack last week, but I was not surprised to see him there.

The Fearless Prediction: A safe bet is that the bottom 3 will be Tim Urban and 2 chicks, the only guess is which 2 girls will be on the cold seats and which one of them will be sent home. We could see Katie back there again and it would not surprise me if Siobhan shows up there for the first time. Her weirdness can only be overcome if she sings well and she did not do that this week. However, I think there will be another first timer, Didi Benami, who will end up in the bottom 3 and finally sent home tomorrow night. Of course I fully expect that now that I have predicted her departure she will be declared safe to bore us to tears for yet another week.

As If It Is A Big Deal or Something

2010-03-24T02:09:00.000-07:00

OK, let’s see if I can finish this before 2:30 AM so I can show up at work on time tomorrow.

I was thinking of writing up a white paper on why I think the tweeners who have taken control of the voting are accelerating the path Idol is taking to cancelation, and why the Idol producers won’t do anything about it, but now I realize that a) it probably doesn't matter what I think and b) it would double the time it will take to write this recap. So I’ll just do my job and save my ranting to perhaps another time.

The remaining 11 contestants are lined up on stage while Trained Seal looms over them from the video board. Downright scary if you ask me. Another scary thing is Trained Seal’s claim that last week the contestants were successful in rocking the Stones. The judges and Ryan are again introduced by the ominous announcer that is never heard from again. Little E walks out on stage looking around in amazement as if she had never been on stage before. Either that or there is a fly buzzing around her head.

Trained Seal breaks kayfabe for the first time this season by saying that the show is live from “Los Angeles” instead of “Hollywood.” There he goes, shattering the dreams of millions of tweeners worldwide who still think Hollywood is some magical place instead of the slum section of L.A. that it really is. Big Sexy reminds us that the loser this week misses out on the summer tour as if it is like a big deal or something. Little E talks about the importance of voting as if it is a big deal or something. Trained Seal tries to provoke Kara to criticize Simon for criticizing her song writing critique. Horny Chick babbles on about how much she knows about song writing though no one can hear her because Captain Jack is talking over her. Looks like Trained Seal plan backfired. After Trained Seal talks about Simon’s revealing V-neck sweater Captain Jack warns Ryan to stay away from his grill. More homo-banter ensues until Trained Seal and Little E exchange a safe kiss. Captain Jack then talks about how being kicked off this week is like getting 5 out of 6 numbers in the lottery, as if it is like a bad thing or something. Personally I would love to get 5 out of 6 numbers in the lottery. Captain Jack may not need the money but I sure do.

Another first of the season is this week’s tormentor Miley Cyrus. Trained Seal tries to dismiss the questions about whether or not a 17 year old can mentor contestants older than her by claiming that she has “lots of experience” and has “conquered all corners of the entertainment world.” Well Miley has not appeared on Dancing with the Stars yet so there is at least one corner of the entertainment world that she has not conquered yet. Miley talks about how seriously she takes her work and how she wants to tell the contestants to just be comfortable and have fun. Is it possible to be both serious and comfortable? Must be that lots of experience talking. Unlike most tormentors Miley actually has the guts to show up in the audience and listen to the contestants sing. Perhaps it is because none of them chose to sing one of Miley’s songs.

Lee DeWyze, “The Letter” by The Box Tops: Miley points out that Lee has not shown any stage presence so far. Glad to see that Miley is providing such sage advice, especially since every American over the age of 13 already knows this. Lee lays out a number of excuses for why he has been so vanilla on stage but in the end he admits that Miley is right. Even though it was announced as a Box Tops song Lee is singing the Joe Cocker version instead, complete with the horns but without the spastic motions. Lee is more or less in tune and on pitch, though he is adding a bunch of new words into the song and flubbing them at that. It was decent but not great, more or less average for him, though Lee showed more personality than usual. Big Sexy utters 2 yo’s, 2 Lee’s and then claims that Lee “knocked it out.” Little E struggles to compare Lee to her favorite pen that started to run out of ink but then starts to write again. Kara claims that Lee has raised the bar for himself. Captain Jack gets the first of many boos tonight but claiming that Lee’s performance was corny and “not a recording performance,” whatever that means. Trained Seal asks Lee about Captain Jack’s comments from last week when he said that Lee was thinking too much on stage. Lee assures us that he was not thinking at all tonight. Take that for what you will.

During the break we learn that Kris Allen’s car tells him where he can get gasoline in Napa. Glad to see that he is still keeping up the kayfabe and having us believe that he actually drives to his own gigs. When we return Trained Seal brags about how 26 songs by former Idol performers have reached #1 on one of the infinite number of Billboard charts. The real question and the real indicator of how much influence Idol has on the charts is how many of those #1s were not sung by Kelly Clarkson, Carrie Underwood, or Chris Daughtry. I will take the under on that wager.

Paige Miles, “Against All Odds” by Phil Collins: This is the first of two songs tonight that remind me of an ex-girlfriend. Thanks guys, I needed that pick me up. Paige shows off a ring that she stole from a tweener in the audience, which Trained Seal tries to pawn off on Captain Jack. Miley follows the company line by bragging about the power in Paige’s voice, but then breaks kayfabe by pointing out how pitchy Paige is. Paige attributes it to her nervousness. Listen, if you’re nervous singing in front of a 17 year old then there is not much hope that you’ll be comfortable singing for 20 million viewers. Sure enough, Paige is very pitchy right from the first note. She is also racing ahead of the band as if she knows how bad she is singing and wants to get it over with as soon as possible. The pitch gets a little better when she starts shouting the chorus, but then, oops, there goes that note. Oh this was not good, our first train wreck of the season, and not the type of performance someone who was in the final two last week should have. Big Sexy utters 2 yo’s and declares Paige’s performance to be “honestly…terrible” to only muted boos. Little E compliments Paige for not falling down from her high, high heels but then defers from further comment. Chicken. Hey, I can call her Chicken Little E! Horny Chick complains that Paige stopped listening to the judges, as if it is a big deal or something. Captain Jack asks Paige how she thinks she did. Usually this is a sign that Simon is going to be very negative and wants to avoid being booed. Usually the contestants who are asked this admit that it was not great but that they had fun, as if that is important or something. Neither Paige nor Captain Jack deviated from the script. Paige claimed that she had fun and Captain Jack claimed that the performance was terrible and killed her chances of winning.

During the break we learn that Olive Garden has a cooking school in Tuscany. Tuscany? Really? Is this the Tuscany in Italy or the one in Ohio?

Tim Urban, “Crazy Little Thing Called Love” by Queen: The tweeners screech when Trained Seal announces his name and now I know why he is still on the show. Miley seems to think that the negative reviews Tim has been getting are because he sings the song straight instead of changing up the arrangement like the others do. So I guess Miley has been watching the show. So of course Tim sings this song straight, though instead of standing still and looking foolish he instead runs around the stage and looks foolish. His electric slide and venture into the mosh pit excites the tweeners though. It was an average vocal but a more animated performance from Tim than usual. Big Sexy utters 1 yo and 1 K-word and then complains about how this is supposed to be a singing competition. Chicken Little E prompts screeches from the audience by claiming that they will love the performance, but she thought it was corny and right out of High School Musical. That explains the screeching. Horny Chick gets booed for claiming that Tim is acting like he is an established artist instead of the loser that she thinks he is. Sounds like someone got rejected “airmail special” to quote the late, great Chick Hearn. Captain Jack says that the slide distracted from the song as if it were a good thing, trashes the song in general, and then tells Tim that he has no chance of winning unless he starts taking singing lessons. Like I've said many times the contestants should stop listening to the Idol vocal coaches if they want to have any chance of winning.

Aaron Kelly, “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing” by Aerosmith: The string of oldies is broken by the youngest competitor. At least I still recognize the artist. During his Coca-Cola treatment we learn that Aaron has caught the laryngitis bug that Paige claimed to have last week and a bout of tonsillitis as well. Aaron is just a little bit intimidated by Miley, being that she is such a big star and everything and he sang Miley’s song “The Climb” at his initial audition. Miley makes a face when Aaron starts singing but then claims it was because she was surprised of how good he sang. It did not look like that kind of face to me. Aaron at least got a hug from his crush. Aaron starts off with a decent low register. He is no Steven Tyler but he is working this song out. Ballads are clearly his thing, especially since the tweeners love the chance to waive their arms. Big Sexy utters 2 yo’s, 2 check it outs, and while it was not perfect it was much better than the previous 2 singers. Chicken Little E thought it was the perfect song choice, blames the pitchiness on Aaron’s various illnesses, and talks about how she can see his career already even though he is still in the third grade. Horny Chick loves Aaron’s consistency, his country twang, and something else that I missed because the piano player decided to start rehearsing at that moment. Captain Jack gets booed for saying the performance was old fashioned but gets cheered for saying the obvious, that Aaron has “zero chance of going home.” Trained Seal introduces Aaron’s phone number by saying “if you want to vote for David Archuleta here.” That only confirms to me that Aaron is destined for the Top 5 no matter how bad he sings.

Crystal Bowersox, “Me and Bobby McGee” by Janis Joplin: I figured it was only a matter of time before Crystal sang a Janis Joplin song. Miley of course thinks this is the perfect song for Crystal but that she needs to be more animated. Crystal gets Miley to sign her guitar and join the other famous female artists who have added their autograph to it. Famous being a relative term. Crystal starts out quiet with only her guitar until the band jumps in at the chorus. Crystal was worried that she would not be able to hit the high notes at the end of the song but she seems to be doing alright to me. She is even a little bit animated. Nice, bluesy performance. I think I even feel a goosebump. Big Sexy utters 2 yo’s and declares Crystal to be a star. Chicken Little E thought of Crystal when she heard this song on the radio but thought she was still a little too reserved on stage. Horny Chick thinks Crystal needs to put the guitar down and just let herself go. Crystal responds by promising something big for next week. With that and Casey’s promise to reveal his pre-performance ritual if he makes the Top 10 next week should be a dosey of a show. Simon basically says that the chick judges are idiots and that Crystal should not change a thing. He then compliments Crystal for not running around and sliding on stage and declares this version to be the best one he has ever heard.

Michael Lynche, “When a Man Loves a Woman” by Percy Sledge: Idol’s resident Casanova is Miley’s favorite because he was the only one who was not afraid to touch her. Instead he gave her two big ole bear hugs. Miley was also impressed that Mike made eye contact with her while he was singing instead of looking away in fear like everybody else. Mike wants to speak to all of the lovers out there, including presumably the 17 year old Miley Cyrus, so he chooses a song that is almost three times Miley’s age. The string quartet is back along with the screeches that both accompany Michael’s torch ballad right from the start. It was the usual from Big Mike, OK vocal, strong performance. He still seems to be the only one who feels comfortable on stage. In a way it reminds me of Adam Lambert, who also had OK vocals but much better performing skills than anyone else in the competition. I bet you didn't see that reference coming. Big Sexy utters 2 yo’s, 2 check it outs, and lauds how Michael knows who he is even though it was only an OK song choice. Chicken Little E is still in love but thought it was safe like driving the speed limit. Horny Chick dares to anger the tweeners but describing Michael’s performance as boring, loungy, and over-indulgent. Horny Chick must be getting frustrated by all of these rejections. Captain Jack actually agrees with Kara for once and then suggested that it would have been better had Michael sung the song without the band. He then babbles on with some more technical stuff that was too boring to write down and then Captain Jack takes a shot at Trained Seal when he says how glad he is that he could talk to Michael without interruption for once.

Andrew Garcia, “I Heard It through the Grapevine” by Marvin Gaye: Andrew thought it was cool to be mentored by Miley, someone “at that level.” Which level he did not elaborate. Miley senses that Andrew was too intimidated being in her presence since he keeps forgetting the words, so she suggests that Andrew put the guitar down by telling him that the chicks will dig him for it. I am not sure that it helped but Andrew at least got a hug from Miley for doing it. It is an interesting arrangement that gets spoiled by Andrew’s pitchiness. Both Andrew and the band are clearly having fun with this song, which as we all know is important to these contestants but seems strangely inappropriate while singing a song about a guy who learns that his girl has been cheating on him. Decent vocal though. Big Sexy utters 1 yo and is disappointed by Andrew and his song choice. Andrew offers to kiss Big Sexy but that does not seem to help. Chicken Little E still loves Andrew but didn't think he would win over any new fans with that performance. Horny Chick feels sorry for Andrew because he seems to have lost himself and feels sick about having to bring up his performance of the Drunk Chick song again. Captain Jack gets booed for saying that Drunk Chick’s song is overrated, but then the audience gets eerily silent when the Captain rips into Andrew for destroying and sucking the life out of the song and for still not knowing what kind of artist he wants to be, except for perhaps making a living singing Drunk Chick songs. Andrew looks really upset about this and claims to Trained Seal that he does know who he is, though again he chooses not to elaborate.

Katie Stevens, “Big Girls Don’t Cry” by Fergie, not The Four Seasons: I would have thought given Katie’s preference for older songs that she would have chosen the Four Seasons song, but I guess the presence of a tormentor who is the same age as her finally inspired Katie to take Chicken Little E’s advice and go younger. Miley offers little in the way of musical advice to Katie; instead they talk about boys and how to deal with criticism. Haven’t I been saying for weeks that Katie should just stop listening to the judges? I am only trying to help. Once again Katie starts the song in her low register, though this time I can actually hear the pitchiness that Big Sexy has been hearing for weeks. When she got to the loud notes her pitch was better though not great. Maybe she was distracted by her hair that kept trying to fall into her mouth. Big Sexy utters 2 yo’s and thought it was too sharp. He did think that it was cool that Katie went young with both her song and her outfit. I think that is a little too creepy. Chicken Little E thought it was the best performance of the night, probably because of the young outfit, and called Katie the Dakota Fanning of American Idol, probably again because of the young outfit. Horny Chick starts her critique by challenging Captain Jack’s assessment that Katie is a country singer. That must have been on one of the audition shows that I missed because I do not remember hearing Simon say that. Captain Jack acts like he does not remember this comment either. Horny Chick then lauds Katie for finally feeling the song and realizing where she belongs, and oh by the way Katie has major pitch problems. Captain Jack thought it was a good performance and that meeting Miley was the best thing for Katie, but he still does not think Katie has found herself as an artist.

Casey Jones, “The Power of Love” by Huey Lewis and the News: This is the second song that reminds me of an ex-girlfriend, and of course it is performed by one of my least favorite contestants. I think he is torturing me in purpose. Casey tells Trained Seal during his Coca-Cola treatment that he will own this song, then after Miley recommends that Casey make more eye contact with the audience Casey claims he was going to do that anyway. Of course you were, Casey. Casey also tries to be funny by saying that he is a big fan of Miley’s dad Billy Ray Cyrus. No hug from Miley for this poser. The electric guitar is back again but Casey again waits until the end for the self-indulgent guitar solo. His pitch is OK but there is no power in his voice, and this after Casey claimed in his video that he chose this song because of its power. The tweeners dig it of course. Big Sexy utters 2 yo’s and declares that Casey is the greatest guitar player in the history of the show. Did he not just remind everybody that this is supposed to be a singing competition? And isn't it a little unfair to declare Casey the greatest Idol guitar player ever when the contestants were not allowed to play guitars until Season 7? Someone is not paying attention here and it is not me. It’s not Chicken Little E either after she says that this was the best performance of the night. Horny Chick thinks that Casey is on another level and in the zone, so I guess there is at least one contestant that is still taking Horny Chick’s sexting messages. Captain Jack does not want to get personal, with Casey at least, but wonders what twilight zone Horny Chick is listening to these songs in. The Captain gets booed by the audience and the other judges when he says that Casey is not current, not different, and sang like an 80’s cover band. But maybe it is because he is English. Trained Seal cannot understand why Captain Jack and Horny Chick can be hearing two different songs at the same time. One word for you Ryan: hormones.

Didi Benami, “You’re No Good” by Linda Ronstadt: Miley loves Didi’s vibrato, which must be Italian for “pitchy”. Didi and Miley talk about how to overcome nervousness on stage, so Didi chose this song to sing at her nerves because they are no good. Seriously, that is what she said. Didi starts the song way off pitch, perhaps Trained Seal’s mispronunciation of her last name made her nervous. The chorus is a little better but not by much. The sultry arrangement is interesting but a very bad fit for Didi’s flighty voice. She is trying very hard to make this work but for me it is not, though if you like her other performances you would like this one too. Big Sexy utters 1 yo but then more or less agrees with me. Ellen more or less agrees with me too. Horny Chick gets booed for accusing Didi of performing instead of singing and for being too dramatic. Captain Jack picks up on the acting theme by accusing Didi of taking Lacey’s role as the resident actress and singing the song as if it were the last act prior to the intermission. He too gets booed for his efforts. The Captain also plays the irony card and claims that it was ironic that Didi was screeching “you’re no good” over and over. Didi plays the desperate card by fighting back; claiming that she chose the song to do something different and to, you guessed it, have fun. That is the problem with this show right now, there is too many contestants having fun and not enough contestants who have musical talent.

Siobhan Magnus, “Superstition” by Stevie Wonder: Trained Seal and the band put on shades to shield their eyes from Siobhan’s 80’s style Flock of Seagulls hairdo. Molly Ringwald called and she wants her haircut back, after she voted of course. Miley likes the swagger in Siobhan’s voice, and judging from Siobhan’s reaction it was probably the first time she heard the word “swagger” used in reference to her. Siobhan also finally admits that she knows she has been different her entire life. I admire her courage to admit that while competing for the votes of tweeners in a singing competition. Other than being more melodic than usual it is a typical Siobhan performance, decent signing, lots of range, good tone, and a big scream at the end. This scream though sounded a lot more strained than the others. I could feel the goosebumps coming but the scream chased them away. Big Sexy did not utter a single yo, the only time tonight that this happened, and instead lauds Siobhan’s inspiring fearlessness. I’m not sure if he was referring to the hairdo or the scream. Chicken Little E tries to be funny by reciting a line for a 40 year old musical, quoting Oliver by asking “more please.” Horny Chick thought the scream at the end was amazing, and I too now wonder what planet she is listening to these performances from. Captain Jack again claims that some people will love it and some people will hate it and suggests that Siobhan considered screaming at the beginning of the song instead of at the end just to change things up a bit. Siobhan told Trained Seal that if she had a choice she would scream the entire song, and here I was just beginning to like her.

The Final Score: 20 shots at Captain Jack Simon; 17 shots at Trained Seal Ryan; 16 shots at Horny Chick Kara; 16 shots at Big Sexy Randy; 16 shots at Chicken Little E Ellen; 4 shots at Ricky Minor and the band, 12 shots at the audience, 1 shot at the Idol vocal coaches, and 13 shots at Miley Cyrus the tormentor. There were 6 references to former Idol contestants, 1 reference to Kelly Clarkson, 1 reference to Chris Daughtry, 10 references to other non-Idol performers (not counting the tormentor), and 3 references to Drunk Chick Paula. 2 Coca-Cola treatments, no iTunes plugs (Steve Jobs must no longer be watching), 1 name drop (almost missed Chicken Little E's dropping of Dakota Fanning), 2 K-word utterances, 17 yo’s from Big Sexy, 10 old-fashioned songs (11 if you count the new song by the old-fashioned artist, yeah I’m referring to you Aerosmith), 2 songs with sad associations for yours truly, 2 kayfabe breaks, 1 kayfabe maintained, 1 struggled metaphor, 1 train wreck, 1 restaurant challenge, 1 reference to High School Musical, 1 reference to Casanova, and another lonely goosebump.

Your 3 Stars of the Night: Crystal Bowersox once again gets the top star for being again the only singer to inspire a goosebump. Aaron Kelly is still far from the best singer in the competition but he has clearly found his niche with the ballads that the tweeners love and his voice can actually sing. I was one scream away from awarding the third star to Siobhan Magnus but that scream scared me into the big arms of big Michael Lynche, who gets the third star instead.

Idol Gives Back: I was not surprised to see Lacey, Paige, and Tim in the relegation zone but I was surprised that Lacey was the one sent home. But because I have not seen most of Tim’s performances I had not noticed until tonight how much the tweener girls screech when they hear his name. After hearing that I am not so surprised to see him still here. I still think Tim has no chance of winning but I suspect he will be on the show for a few more weeks than I had first thought he would be.

The Fearless Prediction: Do I dare tempt fate and predict that Didi will be sent home? No, I’m not going that far, but I would guess that she is relegation zone material. I am going to give Tim a break and not predict that he will be relegated and instead try Andrew again because the screeches for him were less than the ones for Tim. However, all of contestants had to feel like they were playing with house money after Paige butchered the Phil Collins song just a week after being in the bottom 2. If a decent performance last week could not get her out of the relegation zone then I cannot see how an indecent performance this week will keep her from being sent home and off the summer tour, not that it is a big deal or anything.

It's now 2:15 AM, which means I beat my deadline by 15 minutes. Not that this will make tomorrow any easier....

Gimme Shelter from the Intensity

2010-03-17T02:01:00.000-07:00

OK, we have finally reached the sort of big stage with the stairs, the band in the catwalks, the mosh pit full of tweener girls, and the guy with the deep voice introducing Ryan and the judges. What is new this year is the screams from the tweeners being piped in during the opening credits, drowning out the theme song that millions sing in the shower on Wednesday mornings. You may remember that after Adam Lambert rocked the stairs during one of his performances last season Trained Seal gave up entering the stage from the stairs. It is a new season though, so Ryan is back strutting down the stairs to start the show. He is actually fired up as he asks for another round of screams for the judges.

On the Tonight Show Horny Chick told Jay that she thinks a guy will win this season. This of course is at variance with Captain Jack’s earlier statements that a girl will win this season. Not that it matters since the producers and the tweeners ultimately get to decide, but I cannot help but wonder if there are some personal biases at work here and that the judges are trying to use the media to taint the jury pool.

Tonight’s theme is music by the Rolling Stones, or “the Jagger/Richards songbook” as Trained Seal called it later in the show. Ryan called the Stones “the most iconic band on the planet, period.” There goes any chance the producers had of convincing Bono or U2 to be a tormentor this season. After Idol contestants butchered Michael Jackson songs last year and Beatles songs two years ago the Stones were about the only artist left that had at least 12 songs that could be re-arranged into something dull but “contemporary.” Both Mick Jagger and Keith Richards took a pass as being tormentors and it seems that Steven Tyler had other plans this past week, so I am left without a convenient punching bag. At least they did not try to have Charlie Watts give some advice.

Michael Lynche, “Miss You”: The producers clearly do not want Michael to win since they keep putting him on first. Tonight we hear about the contestant’s childhoods in their intro videos. Michael for instance was headed for a career in football until his mother passed away. In honor of her Mike put away the pads and strapped on a guitar instead, much to the surprise of his wife. Perhaps she had been counting on those luxury box seats. Big Mike switched up the arrangement from the original, the first of many to do so tonight. Mike added a little bit of R&B flavor to the song, a good choice given how different his voice is from Mick’s. As usual Mike is strutting his stuff on stage. The vocal is OK but nothing special. He performed the song well if not sing it well. Big Sexy starts the judges’ comments by telling Mike that he “slayed it” though Randy was not too crazy about the arrangement. Ellen gets screeches from the mosh pit but does not saying anything of note. Horny Chick gives about 20 props to Mick before finally getting around to telling Mike that he was “hot on stage.” Captain Jack thought Mike’s performance was “corny,” though unlike his comment to Katelyn two weeks ago he did not mean this as a compliment. He also thought the performance was “a tiny bit desperate.” After the bumper music Trained Seal challenges Simon on the desperate comment. After Simon asks if Ryan wants him to talk to Mike or to him, Trained Seal gets into Captain Jack’s grill and tells Simon that he is only trying to help Mike. The Captain quickly backs away, looking shocked at Trained Seal’s newfound aggressiveness. It seems like Ryan has been more aggressive in attacking Simon’s comments ever since Captain Jack announced that he was leaving after this season. Either that or there is some new sexual tension at play here. Captain Jack did invite the ambiguously gay Trained Seal to come to his trailer after the show to straighten things out.

Didi Benami, “Play with Fire”: Didi told Trained Seal during her Coca-Cola treatment that her mom refuses to watch the show in person because she is too nervous about the judges’ comments. If only Drunk Chick were still around, then perhaps Didi’s mom would feel more comfortable, at least until the camera inevitably finds her in the audience. Mom gets even with Didi by revealing in her video that Didi was a “high needs baby.” Didi initially turns the song into a torch ballad with a number of pitch problems that remind me how much I do not like her voice. The pitchiness continues through most of the songs, except for perhaps the shouting she did for the chorus. The mosh pit loves the shouting of course, and greet the pitchy verses with waiving hands. The arrangement was interesting but her pitch was all over the map. As you can probably guess by now, Big Sexy comments on the pitchy song performance by declaring it was “on fire.” Only now as I type this do I realize Big Sexy was attempting to be ironic. Little E thought Didi got lost but managed to find her way back, all without leaving the stage. Horny Chick thought Didi pushed the vocals but admired her intensity, another common theme that Kara would harp on for most of the night. Simon more or less agreed with the others. When Trained Seal asked Didi to explain why she chose a darker song than usual she first tried to blame her new roommate Siobhan and then claims it is because L.A. is a much tougher town that her hometown in Tennessee.

Casey James, “It’s All Over Now”: Casey continues to earn negative points in my book by talking about how he is from Cool, Texas, how he was raised by a single mom, and how he survived seizures as a child. So he is a sob story as well as a poser. Great. Casey tempts fate by bringing back the electric guitar, though this time he has the courtesy to wait until the end of the song for his self-indulgent guitar solo. Casey is in tune, on pitch, and clearly having fun on stage, so I will give him credit for that albeit reluctantly. His performance has sort of a Garth Brooks sound to it. The vocals were a little flat but overall it was OK. Big Sexy name drops Kenny Wayne Sheppard and another guy that I could not interpret. Little E thought it was fantastic and that the hearts of “most women” everywhere where racing except “for people like me… blondes.” Don’t ask, don’t tell, Idol style. Horny Chick is back full on the Casey train and declares him to be a real rock star with his best performance “since we met.” All of America asks: “what does she mean by ‘we’?” Captain Jack thought Casey looked great and sang well but that it was like an audition performance, not the star performance that Horny Chick was watching. Trained Seal talks to Casey about whether or not he and Little E are natural blondes. Casey of course claims that he is.

Lacey Brown, “Ruby Tuesday”: After the first iTunes plug of the night from Trained Seal, Lacey and her parents talk about how shy Lacey was when she was a kid and about how their family spends so much time at the church where her parents are both pastors. Imagine growing up with two parents who are both ministers. No wonder Lacey dyed her hair beet red after she left home. Instead of Ricky and the band Lacey performs the song with a string quartet, but this is hardly a chamber music arrangement. Instead it is the quirky style that she has become famous for ever since Horny Chick told her to stop singing Stevie Nicks songs. She is also back sitting on the stage during the song, probably because Horny Chick complimented her about doing that last week. I think it is fair to say which judge Lacey pays attentions to. It was real pitchy to start but unlike Didi Lacey manages to work her way out of pitchville. It was alright for what it was, and with Lilly Scott no longer in the picture quirkiness could take her deep into the competition. Big Sexy thought it was the most “interesting” performance of the night, a Drunk Chick way of criticizing the performance without getting booed. Ellen thought it was weird that Lacey stood up during the slow part and sat down during the fast part, which makes sense but doesn't matter since Lacey does not listen to Little E anyway. Horny Chick liked the drama but heard some missed notes, so she is 50/50 overall. Let us see if Lacey can make sense out of that. Captain Jack thought Lacey was right with the vocals, and then verbally strips Lacey raw by talking about how she performs like an actress, very precise, very thought-thru, and too overthinking. Lacey has no choice but to admit the Trained Seal that Captain Jack was right, so Ryan helps her out by showing her the rest of the stage.

Andrew Garcia, “Gimme Shelter”: OK, let’s see how this guy handles a song originally performed by a bunch of dudes. Andrew’s dad brings up the gang thing again, and then says what the SEIU might think is a racist comment by telling us that he thought Andrew would be a janitor because he liked to jangle keys. The music starts kind of space agey with the synthesizer and I am thinking the worst. This is not the kind of song that you would want to do in New Age style. Thankfully Andrew does not go down that path and instead chooses to play it straight, albeit without the grit that we are all used to hearing from Mick and his many imitators. Overall it was a solid performance, his best since the performance of the Drunk Chick song. Big Sexy of course thought it was too pitchy. Little E agreed with me, but what does she know? The song did not connect with Horny Chick because it is about war and Andrew did not sing it as if he were at war, leading to this priceless exchange between her and Captain Jack:

Simon: “What was he supposed to do?”
Kara: “I just wanted more intensity!”
Simon: “You want him to come on stage with a tank or something?”

Long, uncomfortable silence follows…

Horny Chick continues to try to justify her intensity comment by debating with Captain Jack about how intense the Stones were and how she is taking things too literally. All the while Trained Seal is shouting off mic that Horny Chick seems angry. Simon finally gets around to telling Andrew that he was in the middle on the performance but liked that Andrew showed a lot of effort and that he was finally venturing away from Drunk Chick’s songs.

Come to think of it, wouldn't it be cool if some actually did come on stage with a tank? Just think of all the stupid shoot the judges comments that would elicit?

I've been typing this for almost two hours now and I am not even halfway through. I hope Carson Daly has some good guests tonight.

Katie Stevens, “Wild Horses”: During her Coca-Cola treatment Katie talks about how much the song means to her because wild horses cannot drag her away from Idol. She also passed Trained Seal’s test by correctly identifying Mick Jagger as the lead singer of the Rolling Stones. Katie is wearing some quirky paper dress that Bjork would be proud to wear, the second time this season I have referenced the Icelander. She starts in her low register again that I like but Big Sexy does not. Katie sounds even older than usual but since this song is twice her age it is not so bad. The crowd is waving their hands again to this torch ballad. Overall it was a good vocal, probably her best of the live shows. All season the judges have been complaining that she sounds too old and that she doesn't know what kind of artist she wants to be, when all along the type of artist she wants to be is an older one. Big Sexy talks about all the misdirections the judges have been giving Katie but stops short to admitting his own guilt. Little E makes a snide comment about the dress and thought it sounded good, and did not say anything about Katie’s age. I guess she got the hint. Horny Chick thought the melody went in the right direction. I guess she did not get the memo about providing Katie with more cogent comments. Captain Jack liked the song choice and, after name dropping Susan Boyle, tells Katie that she finally connected with her song, eliciting a quick “yes” from the contestant.

Tim Urban, “Under My Thumb”: After iTunes #2 Trained Seal declares Tim “The Comeback Kid”, though what he came back from I am not sure. Tim is our second acoustic guitar performer of the night and about the sixth pitchy performance of the night, or maybe it is just the wrong key. Tim changed the song into a reggae number even though he is not a reggae singer. This was just weird, the facial expressions, the arrangement, even the vocals. If he really wanted to do a Stones song reggae style he should have tried “Sympathy with the Devil” instead. Big Sexy too thought it was bizarre and gets booed for keeping it real. Little E boos herself, and then imitates Captain Jack by talking about how she was thinking about pina coladas during Tim’s performance. Horny Chick tries to be polite by applauding him for trying something different. Captain Jack starts out nice by agreeing with Kara and then rips into Tim for making a crazy decision that likely caused Stones fans to turn the TV off. I believe that happened about an hour before Tim took the stage. Even Trained Seal gets into the act, openly wondering what the Stones think about how Tim butchered their song.

Siobhan Magnus, “Paint It Black”: You know, as soon as I heard that this was Rolling Stones week my first thought was “I bet Siobhan is going to sing ‘Paint It Black’.” Either Siobhan is not as unpredictable as the judges claim she is or I have been paying too much attention to this show. I read another Idol blog that claimed that Siobhan’s dad looked like Brian Johnson from AC/DC and now I cannot help but notice the similarities. Siobhan is wearing the same type of light dress as Katie but of course it is painted black. She starts with a slow arrangement that would be at home in a Tim Burton movie. Then the band kicks in to make it faster but just as spooky. I just started feeling goosebumps when Siobhan spoils it by straining her voice, but then she brings it back with another big, long, loud note that surpassed the one she did two weeks ago. She finishes up with a slow haunting finish and, hey, there is a goosebump. Best of the night so far. Big Sexy praises Siobhan for “bringing the drama to American Idol!” Little E loves everything and loves how Siobhan stands out in a crowd like Snookie’s Poof. OK, you got me with that one. Horny Chick is having an Adam Lambert flashback. Captain Jack thought it was the best performance of the night but wonders if Siobhan thinks she has to scream at the end of every song now. Trained Seal brings out Siobhan’s glasses and gets her to admit that she sings without glasses or contacts. The legend of Siobhan grows.

Lee DeWyne, “Beast of Burden”: Apparently the hard life that Lee hinted at last week has something to do with his time working in a paint store. Like Katie’s Coca-Cola treatment, Trained Seal puts Lee to the test by asking him colors for Snuggle Puss and Cupid’s Dart. Lee gets one of out two correct, and Trained Seal acts all smug like Alex Trebek. Before he starts Trained Seal warns us about how nervous Lee is and all of America wonders if this is a set up or an upcoming train wreck. Lee is strumming along slow and steady, kind of like Dave Matthews singing a Jack Johnson song. Now I am name dropping. Lee does not seem all that nervous, except for the slurred lyrics and another attempt to swallow the microphone. The vocal was decent though the arrangement was kind of dull. Hence my name drops. Big Sexy thought it was “dope” and name drops Rob Thomas along with Dave Matthews. Little E thought it was a great but a little short of complete like a hospital gown. Somebody has been peeking into Captain Jack’s bag of analogies. Horny Chick thought Lee has been growing more than anybody but does not say anything about the performance. Captain Jack, for about the fifth time tonight, starts with a compliment about how good his voice is, but then rips him bare by telling Lee that he is hiding his personality and is singing like he thinks others are better than him. Maybe I should start calling Simon Dr. Jack, psychiatrist to the wanna-be stars. Trained Seal tries to throw a bone to Lee by asking about how his nervousness may have affected his performance, but instead of answering straight up Lee talks about how he chose the song.

Paige Miles, “Honky Tonk Woman”: Paige tries to claim the sympathy vote from Casey by talking about how her dad died when she was 4. At this point she needs all the votes she can get. Paige wisely changes up the lyrics, first singing about a “honky tonk man” and then changes them again to sing about how she is a honky tonk woman. I admire her logic. For once we are finally hearing the strong voice that the judges have been claiming for weeks that she has. But it is it too little too late? Big Sexy thought she had worked it out, though this time he did not exactly say that, but he wanted to see more energy. Little E mentions that Paige had problems with her voice this week, which was news to Big Sexy. Now we know which judges go to rehearsal and which one does not. Horny Chick thought Paige was a little lost but admired her effort with her voice problems. The chick judges sound rather desperate to keep Paige on the show since they keep bringing up this mysterious voice problem. Captain Jack was happy that Paige finally validated all of his comments about her great voice. Trained Seal continues the sympathy drive by pointing out that Paige’s voice was so bad that she had to skip rehearsals.

Aaron Kelly, “Angie”: In his video Aaron talks about coming from a 50 house town. Is it me or is every contestant this season from a small town? After his mom tells us that Aaron was adopted Aaron wonders where he got his singing ability from since his mother doesn't sing. I wonder if Aaron knows that he is an adopted child. Either Aaron or Ricky and the band started early, I’m not sure which, but after a few notes Aaron and the band kiss and make up. His vocal is only so-so but that does not stop the mosh pit from waving their arms again. It was just OK for me. Big Sexy though loved the tender moments and name drops Rascal Flatts and Justin Timberlake. Little E accuses Aaron of copying her hair style but still loved the performance and the song choice. Horny Chick thinks Aaron showed her up this week after she trashed him last week even though the performances were not that much different. Captain Jack didn't get the Justin vibe that Big Sexy did but admired Aaron’s effort and his wisdom in choosing a song that he could sing with his girly voice. Trained Seal tries to help Aaron by asking him how difficult it was to learn the song.

Crystal Bowersox, “You Can’t Always Get What You Want”: The producers clearly want Crystal to win since they keep putting her on last. Her dad talks about her days as Crystal’s roadie and how touched he was when Crystal wrote a sing about her. She changed up the arrangement, making it 12 for 12 for the night, by ditching the choir and bringing out the acoustic guitar with someone’s signature on it. The audience claps along to Crystal’s steady beat until the band kicks in at the second verse to drown them out. Crystal starts to boogie with Ricky and the band, I think the first time I have heard her do that. It was well done as usual, with kind of a Melissa Etheridge feel to it. Big Sexy was not amazed but not disappointed either. Ellen saw some personality too. Crystal tries to explain her lack of personality in her earlier performances by talking about how she thinks too much when she performs, so Little E tells all the kids out there that “no one should think.” As it is now close to 1:30 AM this comment has more meaning to me than it did at 9:52 PM. Kara agrees with Ellen. Captain Jack asks Crystal why she thinks she is overthinking, which Crystal explains is because she has a lot on her mind. Trained Seal restrains himself and does not ask Crystal what she has been thinking about. The Captain then talks about how Crystal had been the favorite coming into the finals but that Siobhan had out sang her tonight. Crystal denies that she is the favorite, perhaps a smart move given what has happened to the favorites in seasons past, but thanks Captain Jack for saying that.

The Final Score: 24 shots at Trained Seal Ryan; 21 shots at Captain Jack Simon; 17 shots at Horny Chick Kara; 17 shots at Big Sexy Randy; 14 shots at Little E Ellen; 5 shots at Ricky Minor and the band, and 9 shots at the audience. There were 4 references to former Idol contestants, 34 references to other non-Idol performers (no wonder this took so long to type), and 4 references to Drunk Chick Paula. 3 Coca-Cola treatments, 2 iTunes plugs, 12 changed arrangements, 10 name drops (including mine), 1 self-indulgent guitar solo, 3 acoustic guitars that were seen but not heard, 2 pop quizzes, 2 lost and found contestants, 1 gang reference, 1 union reference, and one lonely goosebump. And nobody dared to take on "Satisfaction".

Your 3 Stars of the Night: If Siobhan were not so, well, weird she would be the morning line favorite, but as it is she was the best on this night. Michael and Crystal were their usual solid selves, and Paige earned an honorable mention for finally showing America that she can actually sing.

Idol Gives Back: Check out my last post. I pretty much covered everything I needed to say there.

The Fearless Prediction: Almost everybody did a decent job tonight, everyone that is except for Mr. Urban and his grimacing reggae performance. I suspect Andrew will be in the bottom 3 only because the producers hinted that he was in trouble last week and he didn't exactly blow it out of the box tonight. Joining him in the relegation zone will probably be Paige, though I can see either Katie or Lacey being there instead. It'll be a chick anyway. The other dudes have too much appeal to the tweener girls to be in danger of leaving now. Yeah, I'm talking to you Aaron. That leaves Tim. He was the only one that Little E criticized, and even Trained Seal got into the act while claiming that he is only trying to help the contestants. I am a little nervous picking Tim because he has managed to survive 4 weeks longer than he should have. I can only assume that it is because the tweener girls seem to like him. However, I cannot in good conscience choose anyone else, so I predict that Tim Urban will be sent home tomorrow night.

It’s time for Last Call with Carson Daly, who has ditched the audience and is now doing his show documentary style. Boy Ellen Barkin is starting to look old. Michelle Pfeiffer is still looking fine though. Alright, I’m getting punchy now so good night from the armchair.

They're Crazy and They're Kooky

2010-03-11T22:25:00.000-08:00

First a quick Idol Gives Back review of tonight's cast-offs. Alex Lambert did not surprise me. He never did show off the supposedly great voice that the judges kept claiming he had. If you don't have the nerves to sing in front of a bunch of tweeners who cheer everything you sing no matter how bad, then perhaps you should consider another line of work. Todrick Hall's departure did not surprise me that much. Maybe if my DVR had allowed me to see Tim Urban's performance I might have picked Todrick to go instead. That blasted machine is just destroying my batting average. It's too bad to some degree because Todrick was one of the few guys who actually seemed to enjoy being on stage. Katelyn Epperly's departure is as sure a sign as any that the tweeners have taken over the voting, as they have systematically removed all of the female eye candy that Simon and the producers shoehorned into the Top 24. All we are left with are teenagers and weird indie types, which is what makes Lilly Scott's departure so surprising. Not that she had any chance of winning with all of the other weird indie types still in the field, but I would have thought that she would have stuck around at least long enough to make the summer tour. I find it funny that Lilly didn't know what America wants to hear, because indie artists like she claims to be are not supposed to care about stuff like that, or else they would be pop artists and not indie artists. Isn't that what makes an indie artist, well, indie?

So now we are down to the final 12, and in no particular order here are the pros and cons of each of them as it related to their chances of winning this thing:

Michael Lynche
Pro: He's got a good voice, he's comfortable on stage, and he's got an engaging back story that all together have him as the current favorite.
Con: One year ago tonight you could have said the exact same thing about Danny Gokey. At least Big Mike doesn't have to worry about Paula the Angel of Death picking his song when they get to the top 3.

Crystal Bowersox
Pro: Like Mike she has a good voice and is comfortable on stage, and in a year when the producers want a chick to win she is the best of the bunch.
Con: It's hard to imagine someone who sings in subways winning American Idol. Being talented and different can only get you so far on this show, just ask Adam Lambert, or Lilly Scott.

Casey James
Pro: Chicks dig the eye candy, and chicks control the voting.
Con: He's still a poser, and chicks catch on to that pretty darn quickly.

Siobhan Magnus
Pro: With all due respect to what the judges think about Paige Miles, Siobhan has the best female singing voice in the competition.
Con: She is, how should I say it, kind of weird.

Lee Dewyze
Pro: Has been consistently solid, though not spectacular, so far in the live shows.
Con: It'll take more than that to win this competition; consistency is not that important to the ADD kids who text in millions of times.

Katie Stevens
Pro: She has a good voice and is the same age as Idol's #1 demographic.
Con: She keeps trying to make the judges happy, and if there is anything the judges hate it is someone who keeps trying to do what they say.

Andrew Garcia
Pro: Has shown some creativity in his song choices, reminiscent of Kris Allen.
Con: No one is going to notice his creativity if he keeps picking songs originally sung by women.

Didi Benami
Pro: She acts like Brooke White and sings like Megan Corkrey, two prior Idol contestants who lasted far longer than they should have.
Con: Neither of those two won.

Aaron Kelly
Pro: He's cute and a teenager, two things both the cougars and the tweeners love.
Con: Nobody is voting for this kid because of his vocal talent, at least as long as he keeps singing like he's in a HS musical.

Lacey Brown
Pro: Now that the judges have told her what type of artist she should be her performances have been much more focused.
Con: One trick ponies have a limited life span on this show, just ask Chris Daughtry.

Tim Urban
Pro: He has actually shown some improvement during the live shows.
Con: He is still playing with the house money, and the house always gets their money back.

Paige Miles
Pro: Has a nice voice and isn't as quirky as all of the other girl contestants.
Con: Can't seem to pick a good song to save her life. Maybe the theme weeks will help her focus on choosing a good song, but God help her when they get to iTunes week.

While it is clear that Michael and Crystal are the favorites to win, there is no guarantees at this stage. Remember that Danny Gokey, David Archuleta, LaKesha Jones, and Chris Daughtry were all declared the ones to beat at this stage of the competition and none of them went on to win, and only Wonder Boy made it to the final 2. So we'll see. Now that the competitions will be only on Tuesday nights hopefully the curse that seems to be affecting my DVR on Wednesday's will stay that way. We'll see about that too.

Somebody Call A Lawyer

2010-03-10T23:32:00.000-08:00

Well, once again my non-Idol live interfered with my Idol life, and once again my DVR decided not to cooperate. It seems that it thought Idol began and ended at 5 PM today, so that is what it recorded. To make matters worse, it seems the DVR has forgotten how to pause or rewind during the show, at least on Wednesdays. Since I did not get in until 9:30 I only got to see half the show and thus can only offer up half a recap. The DVR does seem to work on Tuesdays, so thank goodness this is the last Wednesday live show.

Casey James, joined in progress: … his tone and pitch are good albeit a bit boring. A little bit of pitchiness at the end but otherwise it was OK, at least the 45 seconds or so that I was allowed to see. Big Sexy thought the song choice was safe and name drops Stevie Ray Vaughn will telling Casey what type of artist he should be. Don’t listen to him Casey… Little E thinks Casey sings better singing down. Horny Chick tries to hide her hormones by claiming she is only “partially” back on board the Casey train because he didn't act like a poser like last week. I guess that means Casey is getting to second base after striking out last week. Captain Jack thought the performance made him sincere (i.e. not a poser) but that it was still forgettable. Casey made have hide his poserness this week but it is only a matter of time before it rears its ugly head again. Maybe that is what he is keeping in the box.

Aaron Kelly, “I’m Already There” by Lonestar: The BBC mentioned that a Lonestar song was a big hit 10 years ago today and I’m thinking “who the bloody hell is Lonestar?” Then young Aaron decides to sing a Lonestar song tonight. Who are these guys? Aaron’s vocal is very weak to start, but I am not sure if it is because of nerves or a bad song choice. The big vocal chorus is not so big, sad to say. Overall the vocal was decent but for me rather flat. The tweener girls of course love it, so I won’t be selecting him to go home tomorrow. Big Sexy thought it was great except for the low notes at the start. I guess he stopped listening after the first verse. Little E loves little Aaron and for the third straight week asks Aaron how old he is. He’s 16! Pay attention! Clearly Little E is not since she then talks about how Aaron stands on stage like he is 30, but then she says that the song was too big for him and gets booed. Me thinks Aaron will go far in this competition in spite of his lack of vocal talent. Horny Chick doesn't think Aaron can relate to the song because he is 16 and is trying to sing a song about a father talking to his children over the phone. Aaron tries to explain to Trained Seal that he was only trying to tell a story. Captain Jack goes on the offensive and calls Kara’s comment “rubbish.” He did not like the vocal but admired Aaron’s effort to show some emotion even though he’s about 15 years away from being able to relate to the song.

Todrick Hall, “Somebody to Love” by Queen: This is the song that Captain Jack thought Allison Iraheta should have sung last season instead of the Jefferson Airplane one or the Janis Joplin song she ended up singing. Todrick starts off really pitchy, but so did the back-up singers so it does not stand out as much. He gets only slightly better as he moves through the song. Todrick also avoids taking after Horny Chick and try and dance, though he gets on his knees to milk some squeals from the tweeners. He is no Freddie Mercury, but unlike Freddie I can understand all of the words that he is signing, so he deserves some kudos for that. Big Sexy declares that “Todrick is back” and finally realizes that Todrick can sing. He must have been daydreaming or something. Little E thought it was a brave song choice and praised him for making it sound “sort-of” gospel. Horny Chick could not decide whether she should laugh at his performance or love it, and then tried to claim that this was a compliment. Captain Jack was happy that Todrick didn't play a guitar sitting on a stool, a backhanded shot at Casey, and then tells Todrick that he should be a Broadway performer because he can sort of sing and sort of dance.

Michael Lynche, “This Woman’s Work” by Maxwell: Big Mike keeps tempting fate by selecting songs with titles that could offend feminists, not to mention Little E. I guess he does not realize that women and their tweener daughters control the voting on this show. Michael starts with a really good falsetto that should not be coming out of the mouth of someone who weighs more than me. Mike amazes me more by getting all dramatic with the chorus and ending with big note. Damn, that was good soulful R&B; best of the 4 I heard by a country mile. Unlike scary Lilly last night Michael took the closer spot and ate it for lunch. Big Sexy cannot believe that Michael sang so well, really! Ellen thought it was beautiful. Horny Chick plays the Drunk Chick part and starts crying because the song was so relevant to him because he has a baby and so relevant to her because she does not. I can so easily imagine Paula saying something like that. Captain Jack gives Kara a hug and seems relieved that someone finally gave a good performance. Trained Seal tries to make fun of Michael’s stage movements by running around the stage while giving out the phone number. Be careful Ryan, that guy can probably knock your pansy ass out.
Here is a quick recap of the performances I missed based on the 10 second recap of their performances. I’ll keep them short for obvious reasons.

Lee Dewyze: Sounded decent, though going first may hurt his chances for advancement.

Alex Lambert: Still sounds nasally and nervous. If we aren't hearing his allegedly wonderful singing voice by now when will we hear it?

Tim Urban: Nothing spectacular.

Andrew Garcia: Tries to make lightning strike twice by singing Christina Aguilera's “Genie in a Bottle” instead of a dude song. I couldn't tell if he changed up the arrangement or if Little E mentioned the Paula song again.

The Abbreviated Final Score: 6 shots at Captain Jack Simon; 6 shots at Little E Ellen; 6 shots at Horny Chick Kara; 4 shots at Big Sexy Randy; 2 shots at Trained Seal Ryan; 1 shot at Ricky Minor and the band, and 3 shots at the audience. 4 references to former Idol contestants including 1 reference to Chris Daughtry, 6 references to other non-Idol performers, and 4 references to Drunk Chick Paula. 1 Coca-Cola treatment (assumed), 0 iTunes plugs (hopefully Steve Jobs is not watching), 1 name drop, 5 guitars, 1 backhanded judge shot, 1 feminist reference, and 4 performances that I missed and plan to sue my DVR maker for emotional distress for.

Your 3 Stars of the Night: Michael Lynche has a good voice, a good back story, and no credible challengers among the dudes for favorite status. Right now it’s between him and Crystal Bowersox, but then these contests are never decided at the semis or else Chris Daughtry would be in the show intro graphics instead of Taylor Hicks. None of the other guys that I saw were really stars and I didn't see the rest, so it is only 1 star on this night.

Idol Gives Back: Poor Jermaine, he really thought God would keep him on the show, only to find out the hard way that God works in mysterious ways. Jermaine though is still a God fearing man so he should be alright, though we’ll never find out if Captain Jack took Jermaine up on his offer to go to church with him. John Park really had no chance, though I appreciate his help in getting my average up.

The Fearless Prediction: This will again prove to be a bigger challenge than it should be thanks to my cranky DVR. None of the 4 guys I saw would appear to be in danger of leaving, though only in Michael’s case is this due to his singing performance. I’m getting tired of hearing that Alex Lambert has a great voice so, much like Paige Miles, I am predicting that he will be joining her tomorrow on the plane ride home. Tim Urban has been playing with house money since Chris Golightly got himself canned, but everybody has to pay the dealer eventually and I have the sense that Tim’s time is up tomorrow.

Don't Pay Attention to the Judges Behind the Curtain

2010-03-09T23:18:00.000-08:00

I think this week I’ll try something new. Rather than write essay long paragraphs about each performance I’m going to instead use a bullet point format to list my thoughts and the wacky judges’ comments. I’m going to try this now to see if this will allow me to go to bed at a reasonable time. It is perhaps appropriate tonight given how the entire show was rushed through so that Fox can start Glee on time. We’ll see how successful both of are with this.

Intro:
- Trained Seal reads off the roll call then has a spooky grin on his face as he starts the show.
- The producers are piping in the audience reaction during the intro, but is it real or is it Memorex? You kids under 35 probably don’t understand that, just like my co-worker today who did not understand the reference to expendable people as being the “red-shirts.”
- Little E is snuggling up to Captain Jack to the amazement of Trained Seal. The Captain admits to feeling a “little uncomfortable” being spooned by someone on his side of the fence.
- Simon tells the contestants that tonight is the “worse night to go” because they would have been so close to the Top 12. Tell that to Ayla Brown, whose father parlayed her departure at this stage in Season 5 to a seat in Congress.

Katie Stevens, “Breakaway” by Kelly Clarkson:
- Katie gets a cold start from Trained Seal without any intro.
- Tonight she is sounding a lot like Lisa Stansfield; whatever happened to her anyway?
- Sounds decent, more or less how she has been sounding the last three weeks.
- Big Sexy thought the song was too big for her and utters the K-word. Last week he didn't seem to have a problem with Paige Miles singing a Kelly Clarkson song, but now suddenly it is as if Katie committed sacrilege.
- Katie is finally young enough for Little E but now E has a problem with Katie not feeling the words and wanting to break away. Perhaps she does now.
- Horny Chick thinks Katie has a great radio voice that is older than her but that she doesn't know what type of artist she is. It used to be that having a good radio voice used to mean something, like back in the 70’s.
- Captain Jack thinks Katie is confused because she keeps trying to incorporate the judges’ comments into her performance. He too thinks Katie doesn't know what type of artist she wants to be.
- So basically Katie should just stop listening to the judges and do her own thing, and then get criticized for not listening to the judges. So much for her being the Chosen One.
- Trained Seal tries to help Katie by asking her to talk about how much the song means to her because she wants to breakaway from her small town origins. Ryan also points out that Katie was 8 years old when Kelly Clarkson won, and suddenly we all feel old.

Siobhan Magnus, “The House of the Rising Sun” by The Animals:
- During her Coca-Cola treatment Siobhan talks about how she is dedicating her performance tonight to her musician father. Trained Seal regrets that there is not enough time for her father to sing tonight.
- Siobhan is wearing a short Coca-Cola red mini skirt in response to all of the skirts that she saw last week.
- The first verse is slow and pitchy, the second loud and pitchy, the third verse, when Ricky and the band finally start playing, is louder but less pitchy.
- An interesting voice and an interesting song choice that I am not sure what to make of.
- Big Sexy loves how Siobhan likes to take risks and how she doesn't listen to the judges. At least he is being consistent with tonight’s theme.
- It’s because of performances like this that Ellen likes music. Perhaps it’s deep personal thoughts like this that Little E is an Idol judge and Drunk Chick is back home watching the show in the judge’s mansion.
- Horny Chick likes her uniqueness and her “unlikely” character.
- Captain Jack thought it was weird and that he didn't think Siobhan did anything with the song, even though Siobhan completely changed the arrangement. The audience boos and this time I agree with them because I’m not sure what song Simon listened to.

Lacey Brown, “The Story” by Randy Carlyle:
- Lacey sings her song while sitting on the stage steps because Siobhan and Trained Seal were still on the stage.
- She is generally on point but is drifting in and out of pitch.
- I’m sorry; I just am not a big fan of this chick’s voice.
- The camera keeps moving around but Lacey keeps facing forward, but to whom I cannot tell.
- Randy thought this was Lacey’s best performance.
- Little E also thought this was Lacey’s best performance and that he felt like the song was written just for her. Just don’t tell Randy Carlyle.
- Horny Chick thinks this is the type of song that she could record just like the song she sang last week, which Lacey sang after Horny Chick recommended it. So for Lacey it is good that she listens to the judges.
- Captain Jack hates the song but liked Lacey’s singing because she seemed to know where the camera was. I wonder if he’ll change his mind when he sees the playback like he claims he does.
- Trained Seal goes against type by jumping in with the phone number before the bumper music starts. No fish for you!

Katelyn Epperley, “I Feel the Earth Move” by Carole King:
- Katelyn follows up from her revealing outfit from last week with a moppet look this week. She has again ditched the make-up after Horny Chick made snide comments about it two weeks ago.
- This week instead of a piano Katelyn is playing a smaller keyboard; at least we are supposed to believe she is playing it even though as usually Ricky and the band are drowning her out.
- She sounds very nervous to start but gets better towards the end.
- I don’t know, it sounded like a lounge singer performance. Probably not the best song choice.
- Big Sexy dug the frizzy hair and the tiny keyboard but thought that Katelyn’s performance was “very put on.”
- Little E also liked Katelyn’s look but that she fell short. Like I said, she’s on Captain Jack’s side of the fence.
- Kara thought Katelyn was just going through the motions as if she were not in a singing competition and I now understand Big Sexy’s comment.
- In response to Horny Chick’s question as to whether or not Katelyn knew what was happening, she claimed that she wanted to be less corny this week after Captain Jack’s compliment last week.
- Captain Jack follows up this week by describing Katelyn’s performance as “request night on a Friday night at a restaurant if you worked there.” Let’s see how Katelyn tries to address that.

Didi Benami, “Rhiannon” by Fleetwood Mac:
- I mentioned last week that she sounds like Megan Joy Corkrey and acts like Brooke White. She has another thing in common with those two; she keeps staying on the show for weeks after I start to predict her departure. I’m going to predict right now that she will make the Top 12 no matter now crappy she sings tonight.
- The producers are doing her no favors with the spooky pink backlighting. That may have been what doomed Michelle Delamor last week.
- She is missing notes here and there and I am still no fan of her voice, but I like how she changed up the song. There is no way she could sing this song straight and avoid another deluge of mean comments from the other judges claiming that she can’t sing like Stevie Nicks. Kind of like what Brooke White did.
- All the judges thought it was much better than last week, which means Didi may be doomed.
- Little E liked how Didi was smiling now after being on the verge of tears last week. Yes, indeedi Didi (E’s words, not mine).
- Both Little E and Horny Chick were afraid when they found out about the song choice, probably thinking that Didi would try and sing it straight, and were delighted to see that Didi did not do that.
- Both Captain Jack and Horny Chick thought it was the best performance of the night, but is that really saying much?

Paige Miles, “Smile” written by Charlie Chaplin:
- I guess the performers are no longer required to pick a song from the Billboard charts. I am not sure Billboard even existed when this song came out, unless somebody covered it when I was not looking.
- Paige is singing this slow song with a very airy voice. As the judges have been bragging about how great a voice this chick has this does not sound like a good song choice.
- Her voice seems to start shaking towards the end as if she is starting to realize that she chose the wrong song.
- Big Sexy talked about how this is one of his all time favorite songs, which he says after pretty much every song, and then starts talking about thoughts of shrimp, beef, and chicken. I guess that is a backhanded way of saying that he thought it was a lounge act performance.
- Ellen thought Paige turned an uplifting sing into a sad and heavy one.
- Kara thought it was all wrong and asked Paige if her hesitation at the end was a sign that she agreed with that assessment. Paige instead claims that she was just getting emotional.
- Captain Jack reaches into his analogy book of tricks and describes Paige’s performance as a “1974 holiday” style “peanut performance,” so named because it is what he would expect to hear in a place where the audience is sitting there eating peanuts, like say in a bar, I guess. Simon has something in common with the producers in that neither of their chosen ones have been up to the task.
- Trained Seal tries to help Paige by asking her why she was so emotional during the song. Paige claims it was because Michael Jackson recorded this song. Now I am as confused as the judges.

Crystal Bowersox, “Give Me One Reason” by Tracy Chapman:
- Any bets that Crystal has sung this song before in a Chicago subway station?
- Crystal starts solo with an acoustic guitar, and then picks up her voice to avoid being drowned out by Ricky and the band.
- The chicks up in the balcony look worried, as well they should be, Crystal is again putting them all to shame.
- Her note run at the end impresses the dudes in the audience.
- Big Sexy thinks that Crystal’s performance “is what this show is about for me.” If only it were true. As good as Crystal is does anybody think the tweener girls who control the voting will want to see her win?
- Little E has run out of adjectives for Crystal. I have run out of adjectives for Little E. Suggestions are welcome.
- Horny Chick declares “this is what we talk about when people know who they are.” So now the performers are supposed to listen to the judges when they tell them who they are? I feel like Katie.
- Simon declares Crystal to be the one to beat because her confidence has improved. I am not sure about the latter but I agree with the former, unless the evil teenage girls decide otherwise.

Lilly Scott, “I Fall to Pieces” by Patsy Cline:
- Lilly is strumming a mandolin that I cannot hear. Is anyone actually playing their instrument?
- Lilly gets point for infusing a country twang to a Patsy Cline song. Still, I find myself trying to hold back the laughter. Her voice is just so weird. How can anyone take what she is singing seriously? Her voice would work for a quirky song, like country or something, but if she ever tried to sing a serious love ballad she would be laughed out of the building. Well, perhaps not this audience. Big Sexy thinks Lilly is in a zone, though he did hesitate and stutter a little before he said it. Horny Chick thinks Lilly achieved a significant accomplishment by making Patsy Cline sound contemporary. I may be out of touch with contemporary music but I would be hard pressed to say that Lilly is “contemporary.” Captain Jack again refuses to jump off the Lilly cliff with the other judges. He thought Lilly was brave and cute but that she did not do enough to justify the closer spot.

The Final Score: 13 shots at Captain Jack Simon; 10 shots at Little E Ellen; 9 shots at Trained Seal Ryan; 9 shots at Horny Chick Kara; 6 shots at Big Sexy Randy; 3 shots at Ricky Minor and the band, and 1 shot at the audience. The audience did not have enough time to boo tonight. How else can I explain why there were more shots at Ricky and the band than there were at the audience? 7 references to former Idol contestants including 2 references to Kelly Clarkson, 4 references to other non-Idol performers, and 1 reference to Drunk Chick Paula. 1 Coca-Cola treatment, 0 iTunes plugs or name drops (another nice thing about the shortened scheduled time), 4 mini-skirts, 2 skirts paired with leggings, 2 pants, 4 references from the 70’s, 1 K-word utterances, 1 reference to a Senator, 1 banquet order, and 1 minute of overtime.

Your 3 Stars of the Night: Crystal Bowersox has established herself as the best of the girls, which means that she likely won’t win regardless of what the tweeners think since favorites coming out of the semis rarely win the finale. Didi Benami did in fact do better, and I am not just saying that to jinx her. I am still a fan of Siobhan Magnus and admire her wacky song choices and arrangements, despite what Captain Jack claims.

Idol Gives Back: Michelle was kind of a no-brainer because she did not stand out in the two weeks of exposure the producers gave her. Besides, the tweeners seem to be on a mission to weed out all of the good looking girls. Haeley’s departure kind of surprised me because the tweeners seem to like one of their own. Oh well, Horny Chick did say that she was too young, only two shows too late.

The Fearless Prediction: As much as Captain Jack gets booed he is usually pretty accurate about who is going home, so Paige Miles should be very afraid. Katelyn could be sent home because she is pretty, and Lacey could be sent home because she has a weird voice, but I cannot seem to shake the feeling that Katie Stevens will be sent home to try and find herself. So I’ll go with Katie and Paige.

Project Runaway

2010-03-04T23:10:00.000-08:00

Hey, guess what, I got to see the entire show, so lucky for you I’ll have two full wrap-ups this week for the first time since January. Of course I am late with this recap. I am not as young as I used to be and it is not as easy for me to stay up late on multiple nights typing these things up. Let’s face it, the show is getting younger and I am getting older.

I am not entirely sure that I will do this blog next season if my non-Idol life stays as busy as it is now, especially now that Captain Jack has already declared his intention to leave the show. Maybe I will do an armchair X-Factor blog instead, though it does not have quite the same ring to it. Until then, though, I will do my best to keep you informed and entertained.

Trained Seal lays down the gauntlet to the girls, challenging them to answer back to the dudes who went the night before. I don’t really see that being that big of a challenge right now given how most the guys have not exactly stood out, except for the perhaps the guy who can bench press 5 Trained Seals and the guy who did the Paula song during Hollywood Week.

After the title sequence Ryan introduces the girls and then checks in with Crystal Bowersox, who is still on the show after spending last night in a hospital bed. She appears to be doing fine. Ryan then goes to the judges for their thoughts. Big Sexy thought the guys were hot and had fire in their eyes. Ellen mimics Randy and Simon and talks about song choice. Trained Seal asks Horny Chick why she seems to be cozying up to Captain Jack. Kara immediately denies any attraction to Ryan and then mimics attraction towards Simon to the extent that makes Trained Seal too uncomfortable.

Crystal Bowersox, “Long as I Can See the Light” by Creedance Clearwater Revival: Crystal bats leads off tonight after getting the closer spot last week. I’ll let you speculate as to whether or not her health scare has anything to do it this. Crystal has a twin brother Carl that she thinks is too square. In response to Captain Jack’s comments last week that she sings like a million singers in subway stations Crystal reveals to no one’s surprise that she had in fact used to perform in subway stations in Chicago. This is why Simon has more respect than the other judges, the dude knows his idols. Crystal starts the song with a gospel organ accompaniment, just as she promised in her intro video. She then adds some country twang to the song after the band jumps in. Crystal showed off a fine gravely voice and made the song her own. Nice job. Big Sexy lovers her and then reminds us that “truth is reality.” Little E was scared for her while she was in the hospital but was glad she came back to show off her “pure, raw, natural talent.” Horny Chick thinks Crystal personifies “Americana rock.” Captain Jack apologizes (as he has been known to do every once in a while) for underestimating Crystal and thinks she has become a serious contender like Kelly Clarkson did at this stage of the competition. Crystal flashes two fingers while Trained Seal reads the phone numbers, and then quickly changes to one finger when she realizes that she was on first.

Haeley Vaughn, “The Climb” by Miley Cyrus: Haeley likes to make hair accessories in her spare time and cannot form a mean face for the camera. She seems pretty nervous talking to Ryan and she initially carries that nervousness into her performance. Her nerves tempered a bit when she got to the big note chorus. The cameraman moves up from below and gets dangerously close to the bottom of her mini-skirt. Be careful dude, she is only 17. Her performance had a few decent moments but it was all over the map. Big Sexy wants to keep it real by telling Haeley that is was excruciating. While Haeley takes it with a smile the audience of her peers did not. Ellen compliments Haeley on her smile and gets cheered, and then she declares that she agrees with Randy and gets booed. Horny Chick thinks Haeley has an “Alex Lambert factor” that the other contestants can learn from. Simon wonders what she meant by that. I wonder if she means the “Adam Lambert factor” instead. Horny Chick tries to get serious and tells Haeley that she really needs another year of seasoning before she gets on the big stage. So why my dear did you put her through? How many other contestants did you and your cohorts send home after telling them that they were not ready yet? Captain Jack agonizes over telling Haeley that her performance was a mess, and then when her cohorts boo he asks them what song they were listening to. I've heard that tweeners hear different frequencies than older people, maybe that explains why they heard something different. Captain Jack then tries to be ironic that she fell while singing “The Climb,” which really irritates Trained Seal to the point where he openly challenges Simon to justify the usefulness of the comment. Ryan quickly drops the banter when Captain Jack refuses to reply.

Lacey Brown, “Kiss Me” by Sixpence None the Richer: Oh, so that’s who sings this song. Lacey likes to refurbish antique furniture, and like my dad who likes to refurbish old cars she sells them rather than use them. However, Lacey seems convinced that she is born to do this. Singing, not the furniture thing. Yeah, that is what they all say. Just ask Jermaine, who thinks God wants him to stay on the show. Horny Chick suggested that Lacey sing this song after she butchered the Fleetwood Mac song last week. I must admit that this song does match her voice better than any Stevie Nicks song would. Still, her performance seems lackluster to me. Big Sexy dares to utter the K-word and gets booed. Ellen thought it was adorable and gets cheered. Horny Chick likes Lacey’s “special tone” and the fact that she listened to her and did not choose another depressing song. Still, Kara thinks Lacey needs to step it up. The scary part is that this may be the best that Lacey can do. Captain Jack criticizes Lacey for treating this as a competition and will sing whatever is suggested to her, in other words doing what the judges want.

Katie Stevens, “Put Your Records On” by Corinne Bailey Rae: Katie is embarrassed to tell us that she can say “give me a kiss” in 6 languages. I’m not sure why, she should appreciate that gift because she might lose it one day. I once could count to 10 in 6 different languages, but now I can barely speak one. Katie got criticized for acting too old last week so tonight she chose what she thinks is a more youthful song. She starts with a nice low register, but gets a bit pitchy when she starts shouting. Usually it works the other way around. It was mostly OK but a rather dull song choice. Big Sexy of course disagrees with me and tells Katie that her shouting was better than her singing and that she should use that big voice for bigger songs. Well, I must admit that I agree with the latter comment. Little E still cannot believe that Katie is only 17 but at the same time wants her to be even younger and chose a song that Little E would not hear in her dentist office. Well, I must admit that the dentist thing was a good comment. If Katie sings a Miley Cyrus or Taylor Swift song next week then we’ll know that she was truthful when she said that she listens to the judges. I am not sure she can get much younger than that. “ABC” maybe? Horny Chick is frustrated that Katie seems confused by the contradictory comments from the judges. It is real simple; Katie should stop listening to the judges like all the other contestants are already doing. That’ll clear that up real quick. Captain Jack is frustrated too because Katie is not telling the audience what type of artist she wants to be. Perhaps this is because the judges can’t seem to agree on what type of artist they want Katie to be. Simon advises Katie to do some research to find out which artist she should imitate next week. It likely won’t be any teenage artist, since Katie could not name any when Trained Seal asked her to name just one.

Didi Benami, “Lean on Me” by Bill Withers: In addition to praying before her performance like most of the other contestants seem to do, Didi meows to calm herself down. It sounds like she would be a natural addition to the cast of “Cats”. Didi had to look up “indulgent” after Captain Jack accused her of being that last week. Has see not been paying attention the last 9 years? Didi starts out slurring the lyrics but found a little bit of soul at the end, just a little. She still sounds like Megan Joy Corkrey and acts like Brooke White, which means that she’ll be shoehorned into the Top 12 but will flame out sometime around “Idol Gives Back” week. Randy hated the song choice because it displayed Didi’s weaknesses more than her strengths. It is hard for me to think of a song right now that would do the opposite. Little E thought everything was “great” except for the song choice, which was great but not as great as the other great things. Horny Chick utters the K-word and thinks Didi is missing both consistency and uniqueness, and I think she just uttered an oxymoron. Captain Jack thought it was screeching and got booed by one girl in the crowd who I guess thought her friends would back her up. Not this time, though. Captain Jack shoots the girl a mad glance and Big Sexy accuses her of booing everybody. Didi is on the verge of tears and cannot bring herself to respond to Trained Seal’s comforting comments.

Michelle Delamor, “With Arms Wide Open” by Creed: Michelle thinks that what the judges say is important but that she needs to be true to herself. She should talk to Katie. Michelle wants to create a “wow” moment, so of course she picks a dull Creed song. Then she chooses to sing it in some odd pitch that I bet even the music expert Horny Chick does not recognize. She looks good though. Big Sexy is in one bad mood tonight as he admits to repeating himself with his negative comments. Little E forgot that Michelle was singing a rock song and I think she meant that as a compliment. I forgot that it was a rock song too but I am not so complimentary. Horny Chick liked Michelle’s believability and really likes that she listen to the judges and their confusing comments. Captain Jack agrees with Kara and admits that the judges give confusing comments, but that won’t stop him from spewing them out. He then asks fashion designer Vera Wang, ironically in the audience tonight, about Michelle’s nice outfit.

Lilly Scott, “A Change is Gonna Come” by Sam Cooke: During her Coca-Cola treatment Lilly talks about how she has been working with the Idol vocal coaches to be more of a rock star, and then she mentions in her video how happy she was that Big Sexy recognized her as an indie artist. I think she uttered an oxymoron. Lilly brags about all of the instruments that she can play, though they all look like either a guitar or a keyboard. I am not all that impressed. Now if she pulled out a tuba or an oboe then it would be impressed. Despite being proud of her independence Lilly chooses a song that has been done about a million times on this show. Just like last week, Lilly has scary eye mascara and hair-do to match her scary voice. She was generally in tune and on pitch, though she slurred some of the words. It was OK for what it was. Big Sexy name drops Bjork, Bob Dylan, and Lucinda Williams in quick succession and then for good measure utters the first “worked it out” of the season. What was that about broken records Randy? Little E thinks Lilly has “it” even though she doesn't know what “it” is. Since the last girl who had “it”, Ashley Rodriguez, was sent home last week I wonder how Lilly feels about being tagged. Horny Chick thinks Lilly will inspire all the other “mismatches” out there to try out for Idol. They’re going to need it after Captain Jack leaves. Speaking of the captain Simon thought it was OK but not as good as fellow indie queen Crystal.

Katelyn Epperley, “The Scientist” by Coldplay: This goofy girl is studying to be a recording engineer in case this Idol thing does not pan out. Far from thinking that Horny Chick was a bitch, Katelyn actually listened to Kara and went with a more natural look this week, and for once I think Kara’s comments were highly productive. I am digging the bare shoulder blouse and the mini skirt. I am not so crazy about the singing. Her voice is OK but it is reallllllly…reallllllly…sloooooow. It has to be really hard to stay on pitch when someone is singing that slow because Katelyn is having a hard time trying to do that. Maybe she is focusing too much on her piano playing, even though she is only playing basically three chords. Randy agrees with me so I won’t insult him. Little E was so sleepy that she thought Katelyn was playing a guitar instead of a piano. She also points out to us all that “people can’t vote if they’re asleep.” Now I understand better why the producers jumped the shark and hired her to replace Drunk Chick. Horny Chick thinks Katelyn is kinda hot, and somebody should wake up Casey and tell him that his cougar girlfriend is thinking of trying a different flavor. Captain Jack name drops Natasha Bedingfield and compliments Katelyn by describing her performance as “corny.”

Paige Miles, “Walk Away” by Kelly Clarkson: It used to be that it anyone who tried to sing a song recorded by a former Idol winner was asking for trouble, but these kids today are either fearless or reckless. At least they are not singing as many Whitney Houston songs. Paige likes to color with crayons before her performances. I wonder if she also orders grilled cheese sandwiches from the kid’s menu like that guy in the Carl’s Jr. commercials. Paige starts out rather weak, to the point that the backup singers are drowning her out. She finally starts to find her voice during the bridge. Trained Seal points out to Paige that Horny Chick wrote the song, which I am not sure Paige knew beforehand. At least she pretends like she did not know. Big Sexy liked the performance but thought there were too many words in Horny Chick’s song to show off Paige’s supposedly wonderful voice. Ellen really liked it but made no comment about the song. Horny Chick surprises no one by declaring that Paige could have a hit with that song, though as Captain Jack points out Kelly Clarkson was not able to do that. Horny Chick then pointed out that she wrote the song about an ex-boyfriend that she was pissed off with and that Paige showed bad form by smiling the whole time she was singing it. Maybe if Kelly Clarkson had smiled when she recorded the song then she might have had a hit with it. Simon agrees with Randy and tells Paige that he thinks the songs are overtaking her rather than the other way around. Trained Seal goes back to Horny Chick’s comments about how it was supposed to be an angry song, and asks Paige if she was happy being angry. He also warns Horny Chick’s husband that he has an angry wife in addition to a horny one.

Siobhan Magnus, “Think” by Aretha Franklin: Siobhan adds to her quirky persona by telling us that she gave herself a Mohawk last year after a slip up with her hair clippers. She doesn't want to be predictable so of course she chooses an Aretha Franklin song. She starts out alright but a bit pitchy, then shows some good intonation with the fast moving bridge before finally unveiling the mother of all big notes at the end. I have no idea where that came from. Big Sexy thought the big note was dope and fearless. Little E compares her to a snuggie. She tries to explain her analogy but it was so inconsequential that I did not bother to write it down. Kara can’t get over the big note. Captain Jack thought the big note was terrific but the rest of the song was horrible. Funny what one note can do. Siobhan explains her ability to belt out big notes comes from singing Kelly Clarkson songs in the shower. Maybe Kelly can have a hit with that.

The Final Score: 19 shots at Horny Chick Kara; 17 shots at Captain Jack Simon; 11 shots at Big Sexy Randy; 10 shots at Trained Seal Ryan; 8 shots at Little E Ellen; 1 shot at Ricky Minor and the band, and 6 shots at the audience. 3 references to former Idol contestants, 4 references to Kelly Clarkson, 8 references to other non-Idol performers, and 2 references to Drunk Chick Paula. 1 Coca-Cola treatment, 2 iTunes plugs, 5 name drops, 4 mini-skirts, 4 skirts paired with leggings, 2 pants, 2 K-word utterances, 2 oxymorons, 1 reference to a Broadway musical, and 1 fashion designer shout out. Where is Heidi Klum when you need her?

Your 3 Stars of the Night: Crystal Bowersox emerged from her hospital bed to give the best performance of the night, the second night in row that the leadoff batter defied the producers who like to put the cannon fodder in that slot. Siobhan Magnus gets a shout-out for that big shout-out, and it is a tie for third between Katelyn Epperly’s outfit and Lilly Scott’s mascara.

Idol Gives Back: So much for Ashley Rodriguez being the female favorite coming out of Hollywood Week. I did not expect her to be allowed by the producers to be bounced out so quickly. I was more disappointed than surprised about Janell Wheeler leaving. She was the prettiest girl in the Top 24 and her performance was no worse than any of the other girls last week, so I am at a loss as to why she was given the boot so quickly. It must be those evil tweener girls. Those chicks are going to ruin my batting average this season, I just feel it.

The Fearless Prediction: From my post earlier today: Based solely on who I think should be sent home I predict that Didi and Michelle will be the ones sent packing. I cannot even begin to predict who the tweener girls who control the voting on this show will choose to dismiss, but then again this is supposed to be a "fearless" prediction, right?

A Quick Prediction

2010-03-04T08:26:00.000-08:00

I retired for the evening after getting about a third of the way through the recap of last night's show. When my head started bouncing off of the computer screen I took it as a sign that perhaps I should stop typing and pick it up tomorrow. The recap will be posted later this evening, but I wanted to get my fearless prediction out now so that you won't think I'm cheating later.

Based solely on who I think should be sent home I predict that Didi and Michelle will be the ones sent packing. I cannot even begin to predict who the tweener girls who control the voting on this show will choose to dismiss, but then again this is supposed to be a "fearless" prediction, right?

See you tonight.

Dropping Frustration

2010-03-03T00:48:00.000-08:00

Just in case the DVR wanted to be uncooperative again I watched the show live, or as live as it gets in the West Coast. But at least I don’t have to stay up past midnight to see the end of the World Series games. I only have to stay up past midnight to type these recaps.

From Hollywood, this is the Ryan Seacrest Show. Trained Seal begins by telling us that the remaining contestants have seen “two of their own sent home.” Ryan then explains why the dudes were on stage instead of the chicks. Girl contestant Crystal Bowersox was taken to the hospital earlier today and was under doctor’s orders not to perform tonight, so to help her get into the Top 12 the producers decided to switch the schedule and pressured the dudes to “agree” to sing tonight instead. Ryan did not bother to say why Crystal was in the hospital nor did he speculate as to whether or not she will be able to perform tomorrow night. As soon as I post this I’ll check the Net and find out. I’m sure somebody has spilled the beams.

Randy and Ellen have switched seats from last week so I guess Little E is a little more comfortable sharing a stage with Captain Jack. I saw some reviews of Ellen on CNN.com and most of them felt that she was too nervous and tense and that she should just be herself. Kind of like the contestants. In reference to Crystal’s absence Trained Seal asks Little E if she ever missed a show, and Ellen tries to be humorous by saying that she missed American Gladiators and Bewitched but not her own show except for the day she spent in the hospital with Ryan. She was so much funnier when she was tenser. Horny Chick is sporting an 80’s style boofy hair-do reminiscent of some of the classic dos her ex-running mate Drunk Chick used to sport. Captain Jack is still holding the company line that the girls are better than the guys this season, though he concedes that the gap is “only a smidge.”

Michael Lynche, “It’s a Man’s World” by James Brown: For the second straight week Big Mike bats leadoff. Michael admits that he is big into musical theater and that he can bench 505 pounds. He wants to prove Simon wrong and be the main event by making an interesting song choice. Michael is as expressive as he was last week but his voice is much better. He is showing some soul for once. He is a little out of synch with Ricky and the band but overall it was well done. Randy gives Mike a standing O. Little E thought the song was “educational,” apparently offended by the song title, but she still liked the song choice. Horny Chick is now finally getting Michael and wonders what he ate that caused him to change so much. In his case that could be a dangerous question. Captain Jack attempts to compare Michael’s transition to that from a pussycat to a lion. I am pretty sure he has used that one before. Trained Seal tries to follow up on Kara’s comment by asking Michael if anything has changed in the last week. Turns out his wife and new baby will be flying out on Friday. He must be pretty confident that he’ll be back next week.

During the first break we learn that NASCAR driver Carl Edwards wants to call Kanye West from his new Ford and that K-Mart has layaway. Hello!

John Park, “Gravity” by John Mayer: John gets the first of three Coca-Cola treatments tonight. Apparently John is a member of an a-capella group at Northwestern called “Purple Haze.” You see, Northwestern’s colors are purple, and… oh forget it. John’s secret is that Korean is his second language instead of English. I’m not sure how secret that is. If he has said that his first language was Farsi, then I would have been more surprised. John promises that tonight he will be “honest and relevant.” Turns out he only batted .500 on that front. His performance was better than last week’s but his voice was too breathy and he had a hard time staying in rhythm with Ricky and the band. Big Sexy thought his performance lacked spice. I thought he was on a diet. Little E wanted more soul, or should I say Seoul (sorry, I could not resist). Kara did not think it was believable enough. Captain Jack thinks John is a goner after his “so what performance,” and Trained Seal quickly challenges him on that comment. In the meantime Horny Chick tells anyone listening to her that all the judges agree with her.

Casey James, “I Don’t Wanna Be” by Gavin McGraw: Casey claims that he never watched Idol before he auditioned, so he wasn't aware that Bo Bice, Elliott Yamin, and Chris Richardson all sang this same song on the show. Casey also claims that he has not watched TV since the age of 7 and that he bought and restored his own house. Now isn't he special, and all this time I thought he was on the show because he was eye candy. Casey also mentions his pre-show ritual but he won’t tell us what it is unless he makes it to the Top 10. Now I really dislike this guy. Casey rocks it out with the electric guitar but his vocals are flat and nasally. If this was America’s Got Talent he would earn 4 stars but this is a singing competition. Big Sexy has apparently forgotten about this and compliments Casey for his Hendrix, Stevie Ray channeling. Little E thinks Casey is there “on paper” but was too stiff on stage. Speaking of stiff, Horny Chick is still a fan but thinks Casey took two steps back and then reminds Big Sexy and Little E that Idol is supposed to be a singing competition. Simon accuses Casey of being a poser and claims that Casey does not have enough grit in his voice. Trained Seal tries to provoke Casey to disagree with Captain Jack’s comments but Casey is too savvy to fall for that. I now question Casey’s claim that he had never seen the show before.

Alex Lambert, “Everybody Knows” by John Legend: During his Coca-Cola treatment Alex admits to Ryan that he was so scared last week that he threw up before the show. Alex has perhaps the most interesting secret of the night; he invented a language when he was in 6th grade. It sounded like a cross between Spanish and Japanese. Alex has his comfortable guitar this week and he sounds a little more confident, though perhaps starting the song unplugged was not the best idea, especially for someone who claims to suffer from stage fright. Alex is better than last week but it is still kind of flat. I am still waiting to hear the great voice the other judges claim that Alex has. Big Sexy bonds with Alex over the language thing and thought he was “way legit tonight.” Little E thought Alex’s ripe banana ripened during the past week and then tries to convince Alex that she meant the banana thing as a compliment. She also compared Alex to “Sam Cooke with a mullet.” Horny Chick thinks everyone would die for Alex’s tone, if only he were not so scared every time he tries to sing. Captain Jack thought it was a million times better than last week and then drops this tidbit of advice: “the only time you should be nervous is if you’re useless.” Words to live by. Simon still thinks Alex is missing a killer instinct. Trained Seal tries to draw that out of him but the best that Alex can muster is a weak “I really want to be here.”

Todrick Hall, “What’s Love Got to Do with It” by Tina Turner: During his Coca-Cola treatment Trained Seal asked Todrick about all of the heat he took last week for monkeying up a Kelly Clarkson song. This week Todrick promises that he won’t be compared to the original artist, and chose a Tina Turner song specifically for that reason. I see, the dude chose a song by a woman so that he would not naturally be compared to the original singer. Can’t fault the logic, even though it makes no sense in reality. Todrick also promises to sing to Ellen’s “baby blue” eyes, even though her eyes are actually hazel. To top it all off Todrick compares himself to Drunk Chick, a singer who can also dance instead of a dancer who happens to sing. Oh deary deary. Todrick’s performance is OK but pales in comparison to the original singer, but then I am not supposed to compare Todrick to Tina Turner. It sounded like a lounge act. Randy liked Todrick’s falsetto but not the “wild arrangement.” Instead Big Sexy wanted Todrick to “just sing” the song rather than change the arrangement. Ellen wanted Todrick to dance more and didn't like the song choice and got booed by the tweeners in the audience. Horny Chick still thinks Todrick is likeable by openly wonders where the Todrick from the auditions went. Perhaps he left with the pants on the ground guy. Simon thought it was a theme park performance and that Todrick has got it all wrong. Trained Seal tries to reconcile Big Sexy’s comment that Todrick was “one of the best that we found” with Captain Jack’s comment that Todrick has got it all wrong. Todrick then asks Ryan why the judges are upset about him changing the song arrangements when they tell all the other contestants that they want them to do just that. Dude, you should know by know that you are playing with fire if you actually listen to the judges’ comments. Except mine of course. I’m straight up with you buddy.

Jermaine Sellers, “What’s Going On” by Marvin Gaye: Jermaine rocks his “onesee,” which I guess is the new name for a one piece pajama. Jermaine then tells us how he could not believe how harsh the judges were last week. He trashed the band during Hollywood Week and then trashes the judges now. This will not score him points with the producers who control his fate. Jermaine turned this classic soul song into a really slow miasmic ballad straight from a wedding reception. He tries to change it up a bit at the end but by then it is too late. Big Sexy is frustrated that Jermaine butchered a Marvin Gaye song. I am just mad. Ellen got cheered for liking the onesee but got booed for saying that the performance did not work for her. These tweener chicks are way too fickle. Kara challenges Jermaine to find the meaning in the songs. As frustrated as Jermaine clearly is to hear this he refrains from challenging Horny Chick to find the meaning to her songs. Captain Jack is also frustrated and disappointed and thinks Jermaine is watering down his songs. In this case he sure did. Jermaine asks the judges to tell him what to sing next week as if that will actually help, and only Little E steps up to challenge by suggesting Maze. Jermaine also challenges the judges to come to church with him on Sunday, supposedly so that they can really hear him sing, and Captain Jack immediately accepts. Jermaine claims to be a God fearing person and that God will ensure that he will be back next week. Jermaine, let me tell ya, God has a plan for all of us, but it is obvious to everyone but you that God’s plan does not involve you sticking around for much longer.

Andrew Garcia, “You Gave Me Something” by James Morrison: For the second week in a row a singer confuses me by selecting a song that I first thought was performed by The Doors. Like everyone else tonight Andrew took in the judges’ comments from last week, a polite way to say that he blew them off. Andrew starts out with a decent imitation of Taylor Hicks but soon thereafter he starts to get a little pitchy and flat. He has a great voice if he ever learns to sing in tune. Big Sexy name drops Jason Mraz and gets booed for pointing out the pitchiness. Little E wants to tattoo Andrew’s name on her neck but then brings up his performance of Drunk Chick’s “Straight Up” again. Horny Chick also brings up the Drunk Chick song and claims that it has been all downhill for Andrew since then. The same could be said for American Idol. Captain Jack is still frustrated with Andrew and wants him to go back to changing up the arrangements, only 15 minutes after he told Todrick Hall not to do that. Trained Seal carries on the Drunk Chick theme by asking Andrew which Paula Abdul song he will sing next week.

Aaron Kelly, “My Girl” by The Temptations: The youngest dude in the competition talked about his love for photography and how awesome he felt after Captain Jack urged Aaron to believe in himself more. This must be the Backstreet Boys version of the song because that is what this performance sounds like. He has a decent voice and there were no major mess-ups but it was not all that impressive. Big Sexy amazingly did not bring up the age thing but got booed for saying that the second half of the song was not very good. Little E channels Captain Jack and says that the performance was forgettable. Now she is trying too hard. Horny Chick makes up for Big Sexy and brings up how much control he has for a 16 year old. Captain Jack thought Aaron was all over the place and, to Big Sexy’s approval, name drops Justin Bieber. Who the heck is Justin Bieber? I looked him up on line and he is one of those evil Canadians like the ones that took our hockey gold.

Tim Urban, “Come on Get Higher” by Matt Nathanson: Since I was already online looking up Justin Bieber and went ahead and did the same for Matt Nathanson since I had never heard of him either. As I said before, part of the reason why I watch this show is to learn about who the kids are listening to these days. I’m proud to say that he is one of us. This is my first opportunity to hear Mr. Urban’s voice and I am not all that impressed. It is decent but he is a bit pitchy. Big Sexy pulls out the K-word for the first time this season and got booed. Little E got booed for saying that Tim would be better off acting on Glee rather than sing on Idol. Horny Chick is frustrated because it is not adding up for her yet. Idol has apparently become a math competition in her eyes. Captain Jack shocks everyone, especially Tim, by saying that he liked the performance and his work ethic after telling Tim last week that he should not even be on the show. Trained Seal embarrasses Tim by asking him why he was exhaling during Kara’s critique. It’s called breathing Ryan.

Lee Dewyne, “Lips of an Angel” by Hinder: After 9 performances of songs that I heard before the last 3 contestants required me to look up the artist online just to find out who they are. Thanks for the education guys. Lee talked about the bad decisions that he made as a youth without going into any details. Dude, if you are going to use your experience to win this contest then we deserve to know what you got busted for. Lee shows off a nice deep voice, one of the few dudes that actually have a deep voice that would sound even better if he stopped trying to shallow the microphone. Big Sexy liked that Lee took chances, basically by choosing a song that was a bigger hit in Canada than it was in the USA. Little E interprets his nervousness as “intensity.” Horny Chick thinks he can sing on the radio right now, as if she would know. Simon thinks that he would be the one to beat if he can only lose the nerves. Trained Seal tries to help out by recommending that Lee get to know the mic stand.

The Final Score: 14 shots at Captain Jack Simon; 12 shots at Little E Ellen; 11 shots at Trained Seal Ryan; 10 shots at Big Sexy Randy; 7 shots at Horny Chick Kara (seriously? Only 7? I thought with that haircut there would have been more); 3 shots at Ricky Minor and the band, and 5 shots at the audience. 6 references to former Idol contestants, 8 references to other non-Idol performers, and 4 references to Drunk Chick Paula. 3 Coca-Cola treatments, 3 artists that I had never heard of before, 2 iTunes plugs, 2 references to old TV shows, 5 name drops, 1 NASCAR driver, 1 church invitation, 1 K-word utterance, and 1 reference to an evil Canadian.

Your 3 Stars of the Night: Michael Lynche defied the producers by being the best of the night even though he went first. Lee Dewyne had a decent voice once he figured out the mic was not a lollipop. Alex Lambert was not all that good but gets the award for most improved performer of the night.

Idol Gives Back: I think I need to have my 7 year old niece help me with these predictions because I clearly do not think like the 10 year old girls who dominate the phone lines. I was surprised that eye candy Tyler Grady was voted off last week, and I was really surprised about the girls who were sent home, which I’ll discuss in my next post. I was not surprised about Joe Munoz because I had no idea who he was.

The Fearless Prediction: Alright, I’ll try this again. I suspect that God has other plans for Jermaine Sellers and so that he will be one of the two dudes sent home on Thursday. Besides, he is starting to annoy me. Any number of dudes can join him tomorrow, but I suspect that Captain Jack is right and John Park will be rejoining his singing group back in Chicago.

An Abbreviated Session

2010-02-24T22:59:00.000-08:00

First, a warning. I walked into the courtroom a little after 9 PM tonight thinking that my DVR would allow me to still see the entire show. Well, the blasted machine had other ideas and decided it did not want to work tonight. Not only did it not record but it would not allow me to rewind to the beginning of the show. So the bad news is that the first 8 recaps are based only on the replay at the end of the show. The good news is that I get to go to bed early.

I came in when John Park was getting trashed by the judges for his song choice, which he told Ryan later he selected as a tribute to his parents. Boy don’t the judges feel bad now.

Michael Lynche, “This Love” by Maroon 5: It is an interesting song choice for the new papa. I found lots of picky things to criticize, such as his nasally somewhat monotone voice, his slurred lyrics, his pitch problems, and a guitar that could not be heard. Still, it was OK but far from amazing. Little E loves Michael’s personality so much that she does not think his pitch problems matter, then later warns him not to get cocky. Big Sexy bonds with the fellow big fella, but then he whines about how Michael’s hug injured his back. Horny Chick thought it was good relative to the other performers so far, so perhaps my DVR was doing me a favor. Captain Jack thought Michael sang like a supporting act instead of a leading one, provoking Michael into some subtle “ahhs” and “come ons.”

Alex Lambert, “Wonderful World” by James Morrison: I had forgotten about this guy until his video reminded us that he was part of Rocker Bitch Mary Powers’ group. Since all of the judges later commented that Alex’s voice resembles James Morrison I can only assume that was why he chose a James Morrison song. Sadly, though, this song was such a mess that James Morrison is likely offended by the comparison. Jim Morrison would likely be offended too if he were alive today. Alex was clearly scared out of his wits, so much that by the end I was feeling sorry for the guy. Simon thought it was the most uncomfortable performance of the night and got booed by the sympathetic crowd. Horny Chick wants to give Alex a hug. Both she and Big Sexy thinks that Alex has crazy vocals and great potential but say nothing about tonight’s performance. Little E supports the mullet and compares him to a banana that has not ripened yet. Insert your sexual reference here, not so much for poor Alex but in preparation for our next contestant.

Casey Jones, “Heaven” by Bryan Adams: Horny Chick’s lover boy is back with two shirt buttons undone. Kara is waiving her arms from the first note and it looks like Casey is trying really hard not to laugh. It is OK, not great, but considering the distractions from the judges table it was a stellar performance. The dude judges back away from the table and ask Kara to go first. Horny Chick apologizes to her husband (for now) for drooling over Casey and then turns to Ellen for help, forgetting that Little E is a chick chick and not a dude chick. Rather than correct Horny Chick for her faux paux Little E fires back by accusing Kara of undressing Casey with her eyes. Randy likes Casey’s voice and swagger. Horny Chick tries to be serious by telling Casey that he is ear candy as well as eye candy. Seriously. Simon liked the sincere song choice and thought he did well to overcome the actions of the “cougar” next to him. Horny Chick calls for her lawyer while Trained Seal reads out the number and mentions something about an HR meeting.

Andrew Garcia, “Sugar, We’re Going Down” by Fall Out Boys: The favorite coming out of Hollywood Week naturally gets the closer spot tonight. Again he goes semi-acoustic and changes up the arrangement, but this time it is not as dramatic as when he treated Drunk Chick’s song that way. It was OK but kind of monotone and uninspiring. Captain Jack talks for 5 minutes about how disappointed he is with Andrew’s performance, including some of his traditional buzz words such as “indulgent” and “boring.” The other three judges all thought the performance was strange and that it paled in comparison to the Drunk Chick song.

And now the rest in the closing replay:

Todrick Hall: sloppy;
Aaron Kelly: bland;
Jermaine Sellers: over the top;
Tim Urban: super sub with goofy facial expressions
Joe Munoz: slurred lyrics;
Tyler Grady: Michael Johns like;
Lee Dewyne: decent;
John Park: the judges were right; it was a lousy song choice.

The Final Score: 7 shots at Horny Chick Kara; 3 shots at Little E Ellen; 2 shots at Big Sexy Randy; 1 shot at Trained Seal Ryan; 1 shot at Captain Jack Simon; and 1 shot at the audience. 1 reference to a former Idol contestants, 3 references to other non-Idol performers (1 deceased?), and 2 references to Drunk Chick Paula. 2 iTunes plugs (I assume), 2 sexual innuendos, an unripe fruit, and 8 performances that my DVR would not allow me to see. I suppose I can download the performances from iTunes, but I’m not paying money for stuff like this. If you really want to know how they did you’re on your own.

Your 3 Stars of the Night: Casey James was the best of the 4 that I saw. Lee Dewyne sounded OK for the 10 seconds that I saw him. And that is about the best I can do.

The Fearless Prediction: I don't think I saw enough performances to be able to fairly judge this also, but I will take a chance and predict that Alex Lambert will be one of the two sent home tomorrow. You're one your own for the other.

Tradition with a Small t

2010-02-24T01:00:00.000-08:00

Continuing the director’s milieu this season of including behind the scenes shots we start the semi-finals with a shot of the director cueing Trained Seal from the booth. After the traditional manufactured drama from Ryan and the traditional main theme, we are set to begin the live portion of Season 9 from the traditional Coca-Cola studio.

The theme being pushed by the producers is that this is a girl’s year, so right away Trained Seal asks Captain Jack to elaborate on his statements to that effect. We’ll see if there is anything to back that up as this chicks get to go first tonight. The judges have played musical chairs tonight as Ellen is on the end instead of Randy and Kara occupies the Drunk Chick seat next to Simon. Captain Jack of course is in his traditional aisle seat. Ellen claims that she moved to the other end of the table because Simon groped her during Hollywood Week, and even has some manufactured video to prove it. It was not as good as the manufactured video of Paula and Simon kissing a few seasons back but it is on par with the fake videos that the producers featured during the auditions.

Tonight the contestants got to choose from the Billboard charts, so with virtually every song ever recorded over the last 50 years available to sing I would expect that there will be a lot of dull and unoriginal song choices.

Paige Miles, “All Right Now” by Free: Paige is a preschool teacher who was on another planet during Hollywood Week when she got to sing with Michael Jackson’s ex-backup singers. Paige starts out flat, and then picks it up a bit when she starts shouting. She finishes with the traditional big note finish. Quite honestly, it was the wrong song choice. Captain Jack agrees with me, accusing Paige of choosing a “wedding reception song.” Simon still thinks she has the best voice in the competition. Of course the rest of America hasn't been able to judge this for themselves thanks to the producers’ decision to not feature her during the auditions shows. Horny Chick disagrees with Simon and thinks that Paige “slayed” the verses. Randy basically agrees with Simon, and then tosses it to “E,” who thought Paige was “there.” Trained Seal pushes Paige to admit that her dress was so tight that she hasn't been able to pee for 5 hours. Thanks for that, Ryan, what a way to promote one of your contestants.

Ashley Rodriguez, “Happy” by Leona Lewis: Ashley is the Berkeley music school student from Boston that Vote for the Worst.com thinks is one of the producers’ favorites to win. She doesn't help her cause by talking about how big of a Jordin Sparks fan she is. Ashley attempts a slow ballad and hits some good notes when she is not breathing into the microphone and trying so hard to show some emotion. Horny Chick was not impressed and told Ashley that she should sing something different. Big Sexy thinks Ashley should attempt more diva songs, completely the opposite advice he would tell most of the other contestants later on. E repeats what Kara said. Captain Jack thought the performance was clumsy and that Ashley was regressing backward from her audition. Unlike the others Simon thinks she may be in trouble. Trained Seal attempts to give her some banal advice that belittles his standing as America’s most popular host.

Janell Wheeler, “What About Love” by Heart: Immediately I question the song choice. This is a big voice song and typically thin blonde chicks don’t have big voices. A few seconds in and Janell does not disappoint. Ann Wilson she clearly is not, in more ways than one. Janell has a nice little country twang in her voice but that does her no good here. Likewise her looks. Big Sexy still has vibes though he too didn't like the song choice. E thought a couple notes were off. So much for her not being able to make any music comments. Captain Jack gave her an A for effort but only a C+ for performance. He really gave it a 65% but we are grading on a curve here. Kara agrees with me that the song was too big for her. Trained Seal asks Randy what song he would have chosen, and rather than be specific Big Sexy vaguely talks about originality, if you know what he is saying.

Lilly Scott, “Fixing a Hole” by The Beatles: Of all the songs that The Beatles placed on the Billboard charts Lilly picked this obscure one for her first live performance. I’ll give her points for originality. She is playing a guitar that of course we cannot hear, but that worked pretty well for Kris Allen last year so who am I to criticize? Lilly has some scary eye make-up on with a scary singing voice to match. She is an original, which means that she has no chance to win but will be fun to watch. E declares “that’s what I’m talking about.” Captain Jack thought it was the best so far because it was original but also felt that Lilly does not have enough star power. The screams in the audience of course turn to boos. Horny Chick likes Lilly’s believability and compliments her for bringing her street musician experience to Idol. Yeah, that’s what this show needs, more street performers. Big Sexy likes that Lilly is an indie artist who is not a sound-alike, unlike many of the copy cat performers from last season. Yes, he really did say that. Trained Seal does some trash talking about Horny Chick while she is flirting with Simon.

Katelyn Epperly, “Oh Darling” by The Beatles: Two straight performers choosing obscure Beatles numbers. Rather than play it straight and belt it out like the original blues number, Katelyn instead sings it as if it is the second act at the Moulin Rouge. Katelyn has dressed for the part too with all sorts of make-up and a tight black dress. Captain Jack as expected likes her because she is blonde and wearing a tight black dress even though she screamed part of the song. Horny Chick liked how she switched up the song but is no fan of the make-up. Big Sexy likes the make-up, while E was overcome by Katelyn’s scintillating personality. Tight dress + make-up + dramatic voice = big personality. Trained Seal wants to know what Katelyn was thinking when she was listening to Horny Chick trashing her make-up. Katelyn is too nice to say so Kara jumps in to say that Katelyn was thinking that she was a bitch. In your dreams Horny Chick.

As I type this I’m watching the Olympic giant slalom event, and there is this big voiced guy in the Olympic alpine skiers start house yelling at the US skiers. “Come on, Ted!” “Beat it up!” “Come on Bode, take this thing!” Talk about a vocal coach. The Idol producers should consider hiring this guy after the Olympics are over.

Haeley Vaughn, “I Wanna Hold Your Hand” by The Beatles: Unlike the previous 2 performers Haeley (with an extra “e”) chose a better known Beatles song but then changed up the arrangement. What’s up with these girls that they think that they can actually improve a Paul McCartney arrangement? Who do they think they are, Adam Lambert? Haeley changed the song into a ballad number, and while the arrangement was OK her intonation was very sloppy. Horny Chick jumped on the technical issues but then complimented her for having fun on stage, because after all this is a singing competition. Big Sexy goes further by saying that they high notes that Hayley screamed were “unpleasant.” He also brings up the age thing of course, a theme that E quickly picks up on. Captain Jack thought it was borderline terrible and that she was like a wind-up doll. The audience of wind-up dolls of course boos being insulted like that. Simon then admonishes the audience for booing him for saying “what you’re thinking.” That’s just it, none of them are thinking.

Lacey Brown, “Landslide” by Fleetwood Mac: At first I did not recognize the song title, and after Lacey started singing it still took me a while to recognize it. It is a very textured vocal but sadly Lacey is not a very textured vocalist. Stevie Nicks she is not. She would have been better off trying a Pat Benetar number; it would have matched both her voice and her hairdo. Big Sexy dares to say that “it was terrible,” a rare show of honesty from the big fella. E was not much more complimentary, telling Lacey that she got lost. Captain Jack thought it was depressing, indulgent, and boring, and no one boos. Horny Chick thought Lacey tried to force the notes but she still hopes that America will give Lacey another chance, though Kara doesn't volunteer to offer up someone to take her place. Lacey reveals to Trained Seal that she was surprised that Simon thought it was boring.

Michelle Delamor, “Fallin” by Alicia Keys: Michelle gets the Coca-Cola treatment from Trained Seal, though Ryan allows fellow contestant Katie Stevens to take up some of her air time. Since Michelle got zero air time during the auditions we are allowed to learn that Michelle is a 22 year old from Miami who works at a clothing store and sings at corporate events. Kind of reminds me of Syesha Mercado from 2 seasons back, another corporate singer from Miami. Michelle turns the song into a corporate ballad with the requisite big note at the end, albeit with a nice voice. E acknowledged that Michelle sang a difficult vocal well but felt that Michelle played it too safe. Big Sexy agreed with E, confirming that Ellen has this Idol judging thing already down pat. Simon thought it was OK but lacked “wow.” Horny Chick thought Michelle was too professional and that she seemed to be trying to be a diva. So I guess after 8 seasons of professional divas being put forth by these guys this is no longer acceptable.

Didi Benami, “The Way I Am” by Ingrid Michaelson: 9 songs in and I finally come across a song that I need to look up on the Internet. Usually it only takes 2 or 3 songs before that happens. Trained Seal claimed that we would learn how Didi has been on a roller coaster journey on Idol but then her video only talks about how she often cried without saying why. It only takes me two notes to realize that she looks and sounds just like Megan Joy Corkrey from last season only without the tummy shimmy. She gives out hints that she has a good voice but it’s buried by her bad phrasing and pitchiness. Captain Jack uses Didi as an example for all of the Adele and Duffy sound-alikes among the female contestants. And this is supposed to be the girl’s year. Both he and Big Sexy thought it was too dreary, too sleepy, and lacked any spark, though only Simon gets booed. E joins the low key bandwagon, but Horny Chick disagrees with all of them and declares that she loves Didi’s originality. Trained Seal asks Simon to elaborate on why he seemed so frustrated. Captain Jack talks about how the first Idol performance should be memorable like a first kiss. When Ryan claims that his first kiss was nothing like that Simon retaliates by claiming that “it probably went both ways.” Captain Jack does show some restraint though and stays away from the ambiguously gay comments.

Siobhan Magnus, “Wicked Game” by Chris Issak: For the record, her first name is pronounced “shi-von”, just like it is spelled. She has the deepest voice among the chicks tonight, but after belting out a Stevie Wonder song during Hollywood Week Siobhan chooses a slow haunting ballad this time. And this is after Captain Jack told her that the Stevie Wonder song was what got her in the Top 24. She has a decent voice, but it was not the best song choice by all accounts. Randy agrees with me. Horny Chick thinks she is quirky and in the moment but says nothing about her voice. E was entertained and also says nothing about her voice, but then unlike Kara Ellen has never claimed to be a judge of musical talent. Captain Jack thinks Siobhan is a “funny little thing” who could be a dark horse in the competition but also wonders why she chose this particular song.

Crystal Bowersox, “Hands in My Pocket” by Alanis Morissette: Crystal admitted that she had not considered auditioning for Idol until she needed money to support her son. Crystal has got the Janis Joplin thing going on and even pulls out a harmonica for a full coffee house effect. Big Sexy loves Crystal’s originality and name drops Springsteen, Dylan, and Melissa Etheridge with three quick blasts. Ellen says that she will vote for Crystal. Captain Jack puts a damper on things by telling Crystal (correctly) that while there are few Idol performers like Crystal there are thousands just like her singing in subway stations all over America. He suggested that Crystal try a David Bowie song instead, a suggestion that Crystal says she will consider. Kara essentially agrees with Simon and tells Crystal that she can be more than a “coffee house performer.”

Katie Stevens, “Feeling Good” by Michael Buble: After getting both the closer spot and a few seconds of airtime during Michelle Delamor’s Coca-Cola interview is there any doubt who the producers are pushing during this “girl’s year”? Katie attempts a slow ballad and sounds like a lounge singer. It was a traditional 16-17 year old performance, a girl trying to sing like a 30 year old. E thought Katie was too conservative and too old of a performance. Captain Jack agreed with Ellen and quipped that it sounded like Katie’s parents picked the song. Horny Chick thought it was pitchy but that Katie still had “ridiculous chops.” Big Sexy goes all technical and talks about how Katie’s pitch was too sharp because she was pushing too hard. Katie nods in agreement, but then again the season is still young.

The Final Score: 9 shots at Horny Chick Kara; 9 shots at Big Sexy Randy; 8 shots at Trained Seal Ryan; 7 shots at Captain Jack Simon; 6 shots at E Ellen; and 5 shots at the audience. 5 references to former Idol contestants, 12 references to other non-Idol performers including the US Ski Team coach, and 2 references to Drunk Chick Paula. 3 name drops (all by Big Sexy), 2 iTunes plugs, 2 tight dresses, 2 extra E’s, 1 Coca-Cola treatment, 1 Moulin Rouge reference, 1 song I needed to look up online, and only 1 contestant who challenges the judge’s comments.

Your 3 Stars of the Night: It was very disappointing that none of the girls stood out when the promos have all touted how talented this season’s girls are. Lilly Scott, Siobhan Magnus, and Crystal Bowersox get kudos for being original. The rest were mostly OK. Perhaps the guys will be better tomorrow.

The Fearless Prediction: Lacey Brown got the most critical comments and while she was not an embarrassment she was not up to par with the others on an overall sub-par night. So my first fearless prediction is that she will be going home on Thursday. There are a number of contenders for the second ticket home, including Hollywood favorite Ashley Rodriguez, Haeley Vaughn, and Michelle Delamor. However, my guess is that Megan Joy Corkrey sound-alike Didi Benami’s roller coaster ride will come to an end before we learn why it has been a roller coaster ride.

After The Break

2010-02-17T22:42:00.000-08:00

Because of a number of reasons, some of them legit (like work) and some not so legit (my DVR lost the recording of the Denver audition show) I fell way behind on my recaps so I decided that I was going to skip recapping Hollywood Week. I hate recapping Hollywood Week anyway. All that jumping around from contestant to contestant made it take forever to watch the show, take down the notes, and then rehash it here for your entertainment pleasure. But now that Hollywood Week is over and the Top 24 has been selected I guess that it is time for me to get back into the game.

This year the Idol producers threw a new wrinkle in the Chair Show. Apparently I was right about Paula getting the rights to the judges' mansion in the divorce settlement since this year the Chair Show was staged at the Kodak Theater. Trained Seal of course made all sorts of claims about how historic the Kodak is, even though the theater has only been around for about 10 years or so and Idol hasn't staged their grand finale there in about 3 seasons. I miss the old days when Hollywood Week was at the Pantages and the Chair Show was in some non-descript dance studio in Pasadena.

So far Ellen DeGeneres has not embarrassed herself, thereby increasing the challenge of finding creative ways to insult her. I was going to say that perhaps this is because she hasn't been in a live show yet, but then I remembered that she has already done quite a few live shows already. I guess that means no acid trips from the judges' table this season.

And who among you out there seriously believe that the Idol producers want to hire Howard Stern to take Captain Jack's place next season? If they do that then this blog becomes an archive.

So this season's Top 24 are:

"Big" Mike Lynche, the personal trainer whose wife had a baby during Hollywood Week.

Didi Benami, who sang Horny Chick's song in honor of her deceased BFF at her audition.

Katelyn Epperly, who auditioned for her mom since her dad left town.

Casey Jones, who turned Horny Chick on in his Denver audition by taking his shirt off. He may be the most attractive dude in the Top 24.

Aaron Kelly, a 16 year old with a "difficult upbringing" who got no screen time during his audition.

Lee Dewyze, who got even less screen time than Aaron.

Todrick Hall, who still got through to Hollywood despite singing an original song, did back flips when he was put through, and knows Fantasia personally.

Janell Wheeler, a leggy blonde who was barely mentioned during the auditions but may be the most attractive girl in the Top 24.

Tyler Grady, the drummer with the look from the 70's and who auditioned with 2 broken wrists and may give Casey a run for the chick vote.

Lacey Brown, who was set up to lose to Megan Joy during one of the sing-offs in last season's Chair Show but made it through this season.

Ashley Rodriguez, a Berkeley School of Music student who Captain Jack thinks has "it" and could give Janell Wheeler a run for the dude vote.

Alex Lambert, who is not related to Broadway Boy.

Joe Munoz, who must have auditioned in Denver because I don't remember ever seeing him.

Crystal Bowersox, the harmonica playing mama who may be this season's Amanda Overmyer.

Katie Stevens, the 17 year old whose Portuguese grandma has Alzheimer's.

Lilly Scott, the silver haired girl featured during the Hollywood shows.

Paige Miles, who got some screen time during Hollywood Week.

Siobhan Magnus, who wins the award for most unique name of any Top 24 contestant ever.

Michelle Delamor, who I know nothing about.

Jermaine Sellers, whose R&B groove of "One of Us" Mary J. Blige thought was "anointed."

John Park, the requisite Asian-American (every season needs at least 1 in the Top 24) whose bottom end and "good head" impressed Shania Twain during his Chicago audition.

Haley Vaughn, who could pass for Paige Miles' sister. At first I thought they were the same person.

and last but not least, Andrew Garcia, who gave Katy Perry chills during his LA audition and who blew away Horny Chick with his emo rendition of Paula's "Straight Up" during Hollywood Week.

But wait, if you're keeping score at home you'll notice I've only listed 23 contestants. That is because the 24th contestant, Tim Urban, was not shown during either Chair Show until the goofy dancing bit at the end. He was not even on stage with Trained Seal. Chris Golightly, the shoe salesman who grew up with 24 different foster care families, was on the stage instead but was also mysteriously not featured during the show. According to the AP a Fox spokesperson claimed that they would explain the "switcharoo" after the West Coast broadcast. Well, I'm waiting... Vote for the Worst is reporting that Golightly was disqualified because he already has a record deal. Nice of them to find this out now. We'll see if Trained Seal bothers to mention this next week.

Among the notable auditioners who did not make it to the Top 24 are Maddy Curtis, the 16 year old whose brothers all have Down's Syndrome; Justin Williams, the cancer survivor from David Archuleta's hometown of Sandy, UT; Bryan Walker, the singing cop from Tennessee; Charity Vance, the 16 year old who sings in her parents' beauty salon; Matt Lawrence, who spent time in prison for robbing a bank with a BB gun; Mary Powers, the rocker chick who was the star of Hollywood Week; Shelby Dressel, the girl who suffers from facial paralysis except when she sings; and Angela Martin. This was Angela's third attempt to make it to the Top 24. Two years ago she dropped out during Hollywood Week after her father was murdered, and last year she missed the Chair Show because she was in jail for a traffic violation. This year her mother went missing while she was in Hollywood but she still managed to make it to the chairs only to be sent home, and since Angela is 28 she won't be eligible to compete on Idol ever again. Everyone was in tears, which leads me to wonder why she was cut in the first place. I have to admit, I was sad to see her go to.

So buckle up America, because the live shows begin next Tuesday. Time to start warming up the laptop and that sarcasm machine...

Rose Parade of Losers

2010-02-01T23:07:00.000-08:00

Yes, I know I am late with this recap. The 1 or 2 of you out there who know me know the reasons why. I won’t subject the rest of you to the details. I love you all but some things are best kept to one’s self. However, thanks to the miracle of modern technology known as the DVR I recorded last week’s auditions for review at a later time. I’ll be doing the same this week so that I am not up until 2 am three nights in a row. I love you all but I don’t love all of you that much…

The Los Angeles auditions began with Trained Seal promoting his L.A. radio show, followed by some meaningless old style Hollywood promo. Perhaps it goes without saying that neither the mass gathering of 11,000 auditioners at the Rose Bowl in Pasadena nor the real auditions at an unknown hotel in Marina Del Rey were actually in either Los Angeles or Hollywood, though you could see the Hollywood sign from the hotel.

Our guest judge for Day 1 is Avril Lavigne, the young Canadian who is still under the age of 28 and perhaps may end up trying out for the show next season unless her next album actually sells. For some reason Avril is supporting a hoodie with horns on the hood, which Captain Jack finds attractive and the rest of America finds confusing.

Our first contestant is 19 year old Neil Goldstein, a data entry tech from Redlands, CA who claims to have an IQ of 168. If he really is as smart as he claims he is Neil would not have a) tried out for American Idol and b) have a job as a data entry tech. 19 year olds with an IQ that high are usually studying at Cal Tech, not ITT Tech. Neil starts by forgetting the second lyric of Meatloaf’s “Rock and Roll Dreams Come True”. He finally remembers his lines and would have had a decent audition if he didn't sound so much like a goat. Once Captain Jack starts into his usual search for bad analogies Neil declares that he is “not going anywhere.” Simon tells Neil that he needs a reality check, to which Neil replies “Simon Cowell, there is no reality except for what we make for ourselves man.” Now there is that high IQ at work. Avril thinks Neil is awkward and bizarre, and with that Neil is off and away; the closest we came, it turned out, to Psycho of the Night.

Next up was Jim Ranger, a 27 year old pastor from Bakersfield, CA. In addition to his ministry Jim also has a wife and three kids that get the full sympathy treatment from the producers. He attempts his own composition, “Drive”, which prompted Trained Seal to warn Jim’s family about the dangers of singing an original song. I guess Ryan forgot to tell Jim. Jim actually does a decent rendition of the song, sounding a lot like Season 5 winner Chris Dau... oh, sorry, Taylor Hicks. Avril says no, thinking that Jim won’t be able to deal with life on the road as a singer and still be a pastor with 3 kids. So here we have some kid singer wearing a hoodie with devil horns telling an older pastor that his ministry and his kids are more important than a singing career. Now I am really confused. The other judges are more impressed by Jim’s singing voice and as a result he is off to Hollywood despite Avril’s concerns.

After a parade of losers we are introduced to 27 year old Damien Lefavor, a sandwich maker from Seattle. Damien claims to be a pacifist with an addiction for martial arts, which suggests to me that a) his audition will suck and that b) he is a potential Psycho of the Night candidate. His rendition of “You Lost That Loving Feeling” did in fact suck but rather than act all psycho about it Damien admitted that he screwed up and left the room without so much as a whimper of protest.

The next montage was of the little kids who were at the audition. One of them was an 8 year old girl who really liked Simon because he was the negative one. Her mother, 28 year old Mary Powers from Burbank, CA, was hoping that her daughter was wrong. Mary has the rocker chick look and matches it with her rocker chick rendition of Pat Benatar's “Love is a Battlefield”. Captain Jack was negative about Mary’s clichéd look but voted yes anyway, as did the other judges because of the Idol rule that there has to be at least one rocker chick in the competition, and Mary is the best one that the producers have allowed us to see so far.

After the break there was yet another montage, this time of all the auditioners pretending to be Adam Lambert. The only one of the imitators to get any screen time was 20 year old A.J. Mendoza from Upland, CA. A.J. is a theatrical performer (now there is a surprise) who claimed to have received positive feedback from Broadway Boy after A.J. sent Adam a demo tape. After a sloppy theatrical production of Living Colour’s “Cult of Personality” A.J. won’t be getting a callback, though both Big Sexy and I admired the song choice. Captain Jack reached into his bag of analogies and pulled out this zinger that really impressed Avril: “It sounded like you've gone to the dentist 10 minutes ago with a ton of anesthetic.” Both Randy and Kara (yes, they were actually there) noticed that A.J. barely opened his mouth and were disgusted when he finally did.

Day 2 begins with a new guest judge. Avril is out and Katy Perry is in. Katy may be a one-hit wonder but unlike Avril she actually has had a hit record recently and also promised to be brutally honest to the contestants. I read today that Katy and her groom to be plan to get married naked so this promise took on some extra meaning. One benefit of typing this a week late is that I can incorporate this important piece of information.

First up is Austin Fullner, a 19 year old water treatment tech from Glendale, CA. I think two techs in one night is a new Idol record. Austin waltzes in wearing a shinny stripped shirt and does a decent impression of Jim Carrey impersonating Mick Jagger while yelling out Cheap Trick’s “Surrender”. Katy too saw the Mick Jagger impression but thought it was Iggy Pop doing Mick instead of Jim Carrey. Austin starts to beg when Captain Jack disagrees with Austin’s claim that his purpose in life is to sing, and goes into full begging mode when Big Sexy starts to agree with Simon. Finally Austin leaves, though without the need for security. After his departure Katy wonders if the contestants get frisked before being let in. I believe that is one of Trained Seal’s jobs along with teasing the breaks, saying what the producers tell him to, and plotting to take over the entire entertainment industry.

After yet another parade of losers, these ones crying, we meet 23 year old musician Andrew Garcia from Moreno Valley, CA. Like the pastor before him Andrew is a dad too but in his intro we see more of Andrew’s mom and dad, who were both former gang members in Compton but moved away to keep their son out of them. Also like Pastor Jim Ranger Andrew does a decent Taylor Hicks impression including hitting some good high notes. This sends chills up Katy’s spin and sends Andrew to Hollywood with 4 yeses.

Another Idol first was set when the second minister of the night, 26 year old Tasha Layton from Granada Hills, CA, enters the room. Two ministers, two dads, and two Taylor Hicks impersonators all in one night has got to be a first. Tasha sings Josh Stone’s “Baby, Baby, Baby”. I have not heard of Josh Stone but this is one reason why I watch this show, so I can find out about all the singers the kids are digging these days. Tasha has a decent voice but appears somewhat self-indulgent. Captain Jack surprised me by not pointing this out. Instead Simon guarantees that there will be an “Oh Happy Day” medley if Tasha makes the Top 12. Since I don’t usually watch the results shows I’ll never know. Tasha received 4 yeses and a gold ticket.

Trained Seal promised us that the next featured contestant, 21 year old student Jason Greene from Los Angeles, would be the exact opposite from Reverend Tasha. Jason does a creepy version of “I Touch Myself” that Horny Chick cannot resist singing along to and grouping Big Sexy at the same time. Jason gets on his knees and invites Captain Jack to join him, which of course Simon respectfully declines. Katy declares that she “feels dirty” after the performance, which prompts Jason to sass back “I’m sure it does, especially with that top.” Mind you Katy was wearing a standard issue pink blouse. Horny Chick proudly claims that “it’s hard for girls to get dirty,” which surprised both Big Sexy and me. Jason threatens the judges by promising to try out again next season and gives Trained Seal his phone number, telling Ryan that he can call him “anytime, I’m serious.” Ryan sternly tells Jason that “as much as you may believe what you read” he doesn't want the number and instead gives it to one of the bodyguards. See, it’s not just me and Captain Jack that questions Trained Seal’s ambiguous sexual preference, unless Ryan is actually reading this blog.

The last contestant of the evening is our Sob Story of the Night. 25 year old shoe salesman Chris Golightly grew up in 25 different foster care homes and claims that he just wants to be loved and accepted. Chris sang the now classic “Stand by Me”. He has a decent tenor voice though he too seems a little bit self-indulgent. Horny Chick declares that Chris was her favorite from the L.A. auditions mostly because he can “really connect with” his back story, kind of like the blind guy that Kara and Paula fell for last season. Katy reminds Horny Chick that Idol is a singing competition and “not a Lifetime story,” leading Kara to complain that Katy is not teaming up with her like all the other guest female judges have done. It also leads me to wonder why Katy was not asked to be the full time fourth judge instead of Ellen. Katy and Simon give Chris a small “y” yes while Big Sexy agrees with Kara and gets a big hug from Horny Chick. Chris is off to Hollywood and gets beaten up by his 2 buddies while he tries to leave the hotel.

In all 22 golden tickets were handed out during the L.A. auditions, though for some reason the producers only felt like showing 5 of them.

The next auditions are in Dallas, where Trained Seal promised us a Barney appearance. Ooh, I should go fire up that DVR right now.

Your Three Stars of the Night: The two dads, Jim Ranger and Andrew Garcia, both stood out as did the apparently designated rocker chick Mary Powers. Honorable mention goes to the other minister, Tasha Layton.

My Kind of Town Disney World Is

2010-01-22T01:07:00.000-08:00

No, I have not abandoned you all. I was busy with other cases the last two nights, but thanks to the DVR I can still give you my insights into America’s favorite television program only a day or two later. Yeah, like you all care. Since I watched both audition shows tonight you get a 2 for 1 special. I thought about mailing this in and just giving you a list of winners and losers, but that would not be fair to the 2 or 3 regular readers out there who might actually care.

Let us start in Chicago, the Jewel of the Midwest (among other names it seems) and apparently the home of a lot of angry people, at least that is what the Idol producers want us to apparently believe since they start the show with a bunch of swearing and one-finger salutes. Trained Seal then tries to use the fact that President Obama lived in Chicago to promote the show as if Obama was the guest judge. 12,000 contestants try to follow in Obama’s footsteps by lobbying the judges for the right for American voters to vote for them.

Tonight’s guest judge is Shania Twain, heralded by Horny Chick as someone who “wrote some of the greatest pop songs” in history. Now wait, Trained Seal just told us that Shania was a country singer. I am so confused. Shania enlightens us by revealing that she once peed her pants during an audition. Thanks for sharing Shania.

First up is 19 year old Katelyn Epperly from West Des Moines, IA. Katelyn immediately campaigns for Sob Story of the Night when she tells us that her dad had just left her and her mom and that she was auditioning to cheer her mom up after this tragic event. Katelyn has a decent voice and blonde hair, so take a guess what happens. That’s right, it is in your face dad, Katelyn and her mom are going to Hollywood!

Broadway baby Amy Lang from Westchester, OH, is next, and she is 10 tons of fun with her dancing boobs. Yes, dancing boobs, but hey, she only wants to have a good time. Amy also told Ryan that she had a wet dream about him, which along with Shania’s revelation about her on-stage “accident” is something I would have preferred not to know. Amy butchered an Aretha Franklin song and got three no’s, though she impressed Horny Chick with her “boob-boxing.”

Charity Vance, 16, from Little Rock, AK, was encouraged to try out for Idol by the customers at her parents’ hair salon. The judges are surprised by her good rendition of “Summertime”. For the umpteenth millionth time Big Sexy is surprised that a 16 year old can sing that well. After 9 seasons of 16 year old baby divas parading before him you would think Randy would have figured out by now that kids that young can actually sing.

After a parade of losers that the Idol producers love to show us during the audition shows, we are introduced again to Angela Martin from Chicago. I actually remember this chick who tried out in both Season 7 and Season 8. She was cut during Hollywood Week in Season 7, which she implied was due in part to her dad being killed before she left home. Then in Season 8 she made it to the Top 50 but had to drop out to because she had to go to court for a “traffic violation.” I guess they don’t have traffic school in Chicago or something. You would think that if it were only a traffic violation then Angela could have just applied for traffic school or at least get a postponement until after the chair show, but I guess not. Angela promises that this time it’ll be different. She works her way through a decent version of Mary J. Blige’s “Just Fine” that was not great, but then it probably did not need to be since she was more or less automatic to go to Hollywood anyway. Horny Chick is impressed that Angela “actually listened to the criticism” from the judges in seasons past. Yeah, that is why she is going to Hollywood, and if you believe that then I have a bridge I can sell you.

Day 2 begins with Curley Newbern, a 26 year old “parent” from Chicago. Unemployed I would guess. Untalented for sure. The singing sounded like steam from a kettle, and during his audition Captain Jack was laughing, Horny Chick was daydreaming, the guest judge was sleeping, and Big Sexy was looking out the window. Even Curley did not think he was very good as he walked out of the audition room before the judges voted.

Hot on Curley’s heels is 19 year old Alannah Halbert, a bookstore employee also from Chicago. Alannah has a hard time finding the key to her song so the judges of course try to give her one, which Big Sexy thought was just “wild.” When you need singing lessons during your audition then your chances of getting a golden ticket are not very good. It did not seem to matter to Alannah though, since she told Trained Seal afterwards that she had already forgotten what the judges had tried to teach her.

After a parade of losers shown like a silent movie, we meet 27 year old Army vet Brian Krause from Pittsburgh, PA. Brian wants to show his former staff sergeant that he will be the next American Idol, though singing Tiny Tim’s “Tiptoe through the Tulips” is probably not the best way to do this. After Captain Jack questions his sincerity Brian assures us on his mother’s life that his appearance was not a joke. I do not know what is scarier, that Brian is a substitute teacher or that Brian once carried a rifle.

Trained Seal whined about the lack of golden tickets in Day 2, and it only gets worse when 25 year old construction worker Harold Davis claims that he has spirit and soul and that he will blast off like a rocket in the audition room. Sadly his rocket was a dud. Harold claimed that it was because of his allergies but Big Sexy was not buying it. This leaves Harold in tears, so Randy tries to cheer him up by saying that he hoped Harold learned a lot from his audition.

Finally, we get a new loser’s medley that was such a highlight from last season’s auditions. In honor of the guest judge the losers attempt to sing Shania’s “Impress Me Much” with expected results.

John Park, a 20 year old student from Northbrook, IL, finally breaks the loser streak by showing off a nice, smooth voice that sends Shania into a cascade of sexually laced metaphors that turns Big Sexy on. Shania thought John had “a beautiful bottom end,” “nice lips,” and a “good head.” Afterwards Shania has no regrets and Randy needs a cold shower.

Trained Seal tries to pump up the remaining contestants and introduces us to our final contestant, 21 year old Paige Dechausse from Morris, IL. We had a sob story to start the show and now here is one at the end, as Paige talked about how she almost died after a bad asthma attack when she was 15. She does a decent rendition of Sam Cooke’s “A Change is Gonna Come.” Captain Jack thought it was too indulgent, probably because Paige closed her eyes during the entire song. Horny Chick and the guest judge both say yes and then lobby a wavering Big Sexy to give her a Hollywood ticket.

13 auditioners received tickets to Hollywood, including Justin Ray, Keith Semple, and Marcus Jones, who we hear for only about 5 seconds. The only reason I mention them is because after Kris Allen’s victory last year you never know if one of these unknowns will end up winning this thing.

We are off to Orlando for the second audition show, where 10,000 auditioners arrive on the same day as the launch of the Space Shuttle. Thus Trained Seal treated us to a number of space analogies along with a number of unnamed references to Disney World. Since Idol is on Fox instead of ABC I guess Ryan cannot use the name of any Disney property, at least until he takes Disney over as part of his plan to rule the world.

Trained Seal tempts fate by revealing that the judges are not at the audition. Could it be that kayfabe will finally be broken and Ryan will tell us that the initial auditions and the judging are not held on the same day? Nope, guess again. Instead Trained Seal follows his marching orders and claims that he, Simon, and Randy flew in after a short vacation in Miami.

Orlando’s guest judge is Kristen Chenowith, who immediately bonds with Horny Chick. Apparently Kara really does miss Rehab Girl after stealing Paula’s job because she claims that she needs another chick to bond with, even though all of the guest judges so far have been fellow chicks.

The first contestant from Orlando is 22 year old Theo Glinton, a hairdresser from Fort Pierce, FL, who vamps into the audition with a cape and silver discs glued to his face. He sings Pat Benetar’s “Heartbreaker” with a better voice than someone wearing a cape and silver discs should have, but not good enough to convince the judges to give him a yes. Like so many other contestants this season Theo thought he was another Jennifer Hudson, who apparently has become the patron saint of Idol losers judging by how often they evoke her name after they get rejected.

We see a parade of no’s highlighted by someone in a chicken suit and another person dressed as a gargoyle. Trained Seal then brags about the bond the two chick judges have formed in just a few short hours together.

Seth Rollins, 28, from Lakeland, FL, is the first of three promised sob stories of the night, as he tells us about his son with autism. Other than that Seth seems like a normal guy, quite odd for this program. Seth shows off a good voice while singing “Someone to Watch over Me,” which impressed Kristen the Broadway vet. Kara wants to keep hearing him while Randy wants more vibe. Seth gets 4 yeses and a big hug from his son.

24 year old student Jermaine Purifoy from Cleveland, TN auditioned in Season 7 but was rejected, and now is back for more. He has a decent voice that I thought was a little pitchy, but pitchy man Big Sexy thought it was the best audition of the season. Kristen likes the purity, Horny Chick likes the honesty, and this time Jermaine is off to Hollywood.

The last contestant from Day 1 in Orlando is Shelby Dressel, an 18 year old waitress from Avon Park, FL, who is sob story number two. Shelby suffers from a condition where the right side of her mouth is paralyzed. Shelby does a nice imitation of Norah Jones while singing “Turn Me On”, despite only singing on one side of her mouth and forgetting the lyrics about two-thirds of the way through the audition. It was good enough for the judges to award her with 4 yeses and a golden ticket.

Day 2 begins with Kristen being summoned back to Broadway so we are back to the classic 3 judge format with Captain Jack, Big Sexy, and Horny Chick in the middle. I guess Kristen and Horny Chick did not bond as well as Trained Seal told us they did. The first auditioner is 25 year old music student Jay Stone from Miami. Despite being a music student Jay chooses to make noises instead of singing “Come Together”. Horny Chick is in ecstasy over the Michael Winslow impersonation and says yes on the spot. Randy challenges him to actually sing a song, but Jay’s singing of Bill Withers’ “Ain't No Sunshine” is drowned out by Kara and Randy making noises. Horny Chick convinces Big Sexy to say yes and he is off to Hollywood.

Janell Wheeler, Brittany Starr Jones, and Kasi Bedford all get 5 seconds of air time and tickets to Hollywood, though they have really cool names.

Cornelius Edwards, 24, from Boynton Beach, FL, tells the judges that he learned how to dance from his friends who are male strippers. After saying that he is going to sing Tina Turner’s “Rollin’” (instead of Ike and Tina Turner’s “Proud Mary”) I’m thinking that he is auditioning for the wrong Fox show. His singing does not change my mind until Cornelius does a split that lands with a big thud on the floor, causing every woman in America to jump and every man in America to wince. Captain Jack admires the sacrifice and says yes for that reason alone. Randy and Kara concur and he is off to Hollywood.

Cherry Hill, NJ, sisters Bernadette and Amanda Desimone stroll in together with tall hair-dos and short dresses. Bernadette, 27, goes first and does a rushed version of “Hit the Road Jack.” Then Amanda, 23, does a less rushed version of Whitney’s “I Wanna Dance With Somebody” that sis mouthed and danced along to from the side. Horny Chick loves the Jersey girls, while Captain Jack thought Bernadette was being “crazy naughty” during her sister’s audition. The sisters beg the judges to say yes claiming that “the show needs us.” Yeah, like a kick in the head, or an actual singer. The begging worked as the judges say yes.

28 year old graphic designer Jarred Norrell from Marietta, GA, prepped for his audition by dancing on the beach to get his buzz on. Jarred sounds like he has a buzz from a different source. Jarred attempts “Amazing Grace” because he has “gotta give it up for God.” The judges wish that he just give up. I thought he sounded like a buzz saw. Horny Chick one ups me by asking “Oh good Lord, what was that?” and comparing his voice to a lawn mower. Jarred starts losing it because he cannot believe Kara is serious. That’s not Rehab Girl sitting there pal; you ain't getting the positive treatment from the chick judge this year. Like other Psychos of the Night Jarred starts to sing again rather than accept his good advice and leave. Unlike other Psychos of the Night Jarred is led out of the audition hall in handcuffs by security and a deputy sheriff.

The last performer in Orlando is 25 year old Matt Lawrence, who manages his father’s trucking company in Starke, FL. Matt is sob story number 3 since he spent 4 years behind bars for robbing a bank with a BB gun when he was 15. The big guy sings “Trouble” with a big ole’ country voice even though he has a hard time staying in rhythm. All the judges love Matt’s authenticity, another common theme of the night besides Disney and the space shuttle, and he gets 3 yeses. Horny Chick then channels Rehab Girl by predicting that Matt will be in the Top 12.

31 Hollywood tickets were awarded in Orlando, more than any another audition site so far. Next week the auditions are from LA with Katy Perry joining the judges. We will see if I will be able to post the recap within 24 hours of its airing.

Your Three Stars of (Both) Nights: Charity Vance and John Park impressed me the most from the Chicago auditions, and normal guy Seth Rollins was the only one who impressed me from Orlando. Honorable mention goes to Katelyn Epperly from Chicago and Matt Lawrence from Orlando.

She's a Little Bit Country

2010-01-14T00:11:00.000-08:00

For the fifth time in nine seasons American Idol has come to Atlanta for auditions. It is Trained Seal’s hometown, which may explain why American Idol has been there more than any other city. Perhaps my dad is on to something about his theory about Ryan taking over the entire entertainment industry.

By the way, I refuse to refer to Atlanta as Hotlanta, and this will be the only sentence that you will see this mutant word. Just so you know.

It is with a heavy heart that I write this as I am watching the footage from Haiti. It is just indescribable.

Tonight’s guest judge is Mary J. Blige, the Empress of Soul who has actually sold some records recently, unlike almost of the other judges both permanent and guest, not to mention the tor-mentors the producers have paraded out in recent years. I imagine Mary J is the Empress of Soul because the Queen of Soul name has already been taken and is still very much alive, though it was hard to find Aretha Franklin behind that hat she wore at the Obama inauguration.

But I digress…

10,000 auditioners arrived at an unnamed sports facility to do some group shouting and try and bribe the producers to let them come back a month or two later to entertain the judges and all of us. The judging was held at yet another unnamed hotel, but this time the contestants had to travel up a glass elevator to the 27th Floor to meet the judges. Of course this unique feature was played to the hilt by Trained Seal throughout the show.

Our first contestant is Dewone Robinson, a 27 year old sales associate (i.e. retail salesman) from Atlanta. Dewone has music in his blood, or so he says. He claims that his great uncle discovered the Pips, though no mention of former Idol guest judge Gladys Knight, and that another relative was a drummer at Motown. Dewone attempts a self-written number that is almost always (with 1 exception last season) the kiss of death. Sure enough that was the case here, though Dewone blamed his shaky performance on Captain Jack’s interruptions when he started. Simon, to be fair, gave him another chance and it was obvious that it wasn't the interruptions.

During the first break there was a Kris Allen sighting. He’s in a new Ford commercial for all of about 10 seconds. But at least he was there.

Our first good contestant was Kela Johnson, 26, from Memphis, TN. Kela won the Miss Congeniality prize at a Miss America warm up pageant and it was clear that it was because of her nice, pleasant personality. Kela has a nice voice too, though her choice of one of Celine Dion’s Titanic songs was not one of her brighter decisions. She still got 4 yeses and a golden ticket though. Horny Chick said yes because Kela didn't make funny faces when she sang.

Miriam Lemnoimi, Noel Reese, and Tisha Holland all got 10 seconds of air time and tickets to Hollywood.

26 year old church singer Jermaine Sellers from Joliet, IL, told us about his mother with spinal bifida that he has been taking care of. Despite his attempt at a sob story Jermaine impressed the judges with good voice by putting an R&B groove into Joan Osborne’s “One of Us”. Horny Chick was in love (though Jermaine did not ask her out), Big Sexy thought he had “skillz,” and Mary J thought Jermaine was anointed. All Captain Jack said was that Jermaine was going to Hollywood.

Christy Marie Agronow just turned 25 and told us about her job as a TV hostess for a local Atlanta show “411: The Show”. One wonders why a show with a title like that is not nationally syndicated. Christy does an over-emotional version of Pat Benetar's “Love is a Battlefield”, which Horny Chick sympathized with. Captain Jack told Christy that she should change her TV show name to 911. I wonder why no one advised Christy to try out for Trained Seal’s job.

19 year old Vanessa Wolfe comes from the smallest town in Tennessee, Vonore. Vanessa spends her time in Vonore jumping off bridges, thankfully into water. If you think Vanessa needs to get out more she would be the first to agree with you. Vanessa walks into the audition room very nervous but still manages to sing a decent version of some country song with an authentic country twang. All 4 judges like her authenticity and give her a ticket to Hollywood. Vanessa is so excited that she will be flying in an “aero-plane” for the first time in her life. Hmmm, that sounds familiar...

I wondered if Jesse Hamilton had even been on an aero plane after he talked about how he almost died three separate times, including one time when Jesse’s cousin almost shot him. We know this thanks to the cheap dramatizations put together by the producers. Horny Chick apparently didn't read her notes because she got all upset at Captain Jack when he asked Jesse to confirm that he almost died. The 26 year old from Anniston, AL, was too scared to sing Garth Brooks “The River” so Big Sexy suggests Jesse sing “If Tomorrow Never Comes” instead. Jesse still struggles with that, leading Mary J to break down in either tears of laughter or tears of sadness. It was hard to tell since Mary J hid behind Horny Chick to get out of sight of the camera and from Jesse. Even though Jesse finally got some words out it was not enough to go to Hollywood.

Holly Harden, 20, from Rockmort, GA, walked into the audition room as The Human Guitar. Holly wore the outfit for Halloween and because her friends liked the costume so much she thought it would work for Idol too. Holly looks and sounds just like Kellie Pickler, the second one tonight to lead me to think of the country girl from Season 6. Holly too has a decent country voice. If only the guitar sunglasses were not so distracting. Horny Chick voted yes because Holly is “ballsy” for wearing the costume. Both Mary J and Big Sexy voted no, leaving it to Captain Jack to decide Holly’s fate. The next shot is Holly dancing out of the elevator with a golden ticket.

20 year old Mallory Haley from Winner, SD, lives up to her name by earning a ticket to Hollywood, even though she was the one-millionth contestant to sing “Piece of My Heart”. Mary J thought it was the best vocal of the audition.

Antonio “Skiiboski” Wheeler, 22, from Orlando, FL, waltzed into the audition room full of confidence and smooth moves. His shirt even had his name on it, though until Big Sexy pointed it out he didn't know that the printer left out the second “i.” Skiiboski sang a decent version of “Grapevine” (his name for “I Heard It through the Grapevine”) with a couple of extra moves and words thrown in. He tells the judges that he is “like a dollar store… you can have everything you want in one package and it ain't gonna cost you more than a dollar.” Seriously, I don’t make this stuff up. Horny Chick can feel him and says yes. After that line I am not surprised. Mary J likes the voice but not the image yet still says yes. Big Sexy is lost but still says yes, meaning Skiiboski is off to Hollywood even though Captain Jack said no.

BFFs from Baxley, GA, 19 year old Carmen Turner and 18 year old Lauren Sanders, come together into the audition room and engage in some silly banter with the judges. Before heading up the elevator Trained Seal asks them how they would feel if one of them made it and the other did not, all but guaranteeing that this would in fact happen. Lauren goes first and threatens to sing “ in My Pants”, but instead chooses a more standard number and does OK. Carmen is louder and according to the judges a little better. Guess which of the two the blonde is. Captain Jack doesn't want to break up the “Ditz Sisters” but the other three judges all say yes to the blonde Carmen and no to the brunette Lauren. Afterwards with Trained Seal Carmen seems more upset about this development than Lauren.

Captain Jack leaves the room to take a powder, leaving the remaining three judges to deal with a bunch of sour sounding Southern belles and The Singing Cop. Bryan Waller, a 25 year old police officer from Sevierville, TN, sang “Superstar” in the style of former Idol winner Ruben Stoddard and leaves the remaining judges stunned. Apparently none of them ever thought that a cop could sing (Didn't they ever see "Cop Rock"?). This one could and so he is off to Hollywood.

20 year old Lamar Royal from Goldsboro, NC, promises us that he will respect the judges’ opinions and that he welcomes constructive criticism. Yes, I’m sure you can see what is coming too. Lamar shouts out some unknown song that Big Sexy thought was torture. Horny Chick doesn't want to say that Lamar is a bad singer and Lamar clearly doesn't want to hear it. Both Randy and Kara try to give Lamar some good advice but Lamar doesn't want to hear that either, so instead he starts singing again. Lamar finally shuts up to hear this piece of advice from Mary J: “You have to find some humility in order to do this, and pull back and stop trying to exalt yourself and that’s what you’re doing. You’re running.” I’m not sure what it means but it must have been good because Lamar looked seriously hurt by it. It did sound nice and thus it is the Line of the Night. Lamar starts singing again so it is time for security to make its nightly appearance. On the way out Lamar shouts out some curse that Horny Chick did not think was cool. Lamar continuing that cursing while travelling down the elevator, storming through the lobby, and then strutting out into the street. It is hard to believe that someone could earn Psycho of the Night honors without Captain Jack in the room, but anything can happen on American Idol.

Our final “contestant” is General Larry Platt, a 62 year old veteran from Atlanta who was let in solely to close the show with an original song, “Pants on the Ground.” It’s a catchy little tune that puts the judges in tears and inspires both Big Sexy and Captain Jack to go buy a belt afterwards. General Platt also managed to do the splits not once but twice. Like “Brothers Forever” two seasons back this song is destined to be relived at the finale in May.

25 Hollywood tickets were issued in Atlanta, and they all were asked to sing the pants song before going home to pack their bags.

Next Tuesday American Idol goes to Chicago with Shania Twain as the guest judge. Hopefully it’ll only be an hour show and I'll be able to finish the recap before midnight, though these recaps have allowed me to see Conan and Dave crack jokes about Jay Leno.

Your Three Stars of the Night: Jermaine Sellers, Mallory Haley, and The Singing Cop Bryan Walker were the best of the evening. Kela Johnson was pretty good, and if you like country you can send some love to Vanessa Wolfe and The Human Guitar Holly Harden.

Don't Look Back

2010-01-13T00:21:00.000-08:00

We begin the ninth season of American Idol with a quick recap of the Season 8 finale, “the most spectacular finale in history” according to Ryan. We’re only 30 seconds into the new season and Trained Seal is already in mid-season form. The opening sequence also briefly mentions Paula leaving and Ellen’s pending arrival during Hollywood Week. Ryan also throws some sob story previews at us.

After the world famous intro, including Season 8 winner Adam Lam…, I mean Kris Allen, we are in Boston, where 9,000 potential American Idols wait in the rain at Foxboro Stadium for the opportunity to come back later when it is nice and sunny to perform for the fab four in some downtown hotel. Trained Seal later attempted to explain the difference in weather between the stadium and the hotel by claiming that the weather cleared up. I love how the producers still try to keep up the illusion that the auditions and the judging are on the same day and at the same place.

Tonight’s guest judge is Posh Spice, also known to football fans as Mrs. David Beckham, to her many fans as Victoria, and to her friends as V. I’ll go with V because it is easier to type and I would like to be her friend.

Our first contestant of the evening is Janet McNamara, a 26 year old accountant from Somersville, MA. If I have learned anything from doing these Idol recaps it is that the first contestant of the season is always bad, and Season 9 was no exception. Janet claims that she learned how to sing from the American Idol video game, and then promptly makes the programmers look real bad. Captain Jack looks ready to jump out of the back window, which unlike last season in New York doesn't fall on him. After Horny Chick critiques Janet’s performance she claims that Paula always liked her in the video game, which comes as no surprise to anyone except Kara, who believes from that comment that Janet thought she was Rehab Girl.

Contestant Number 2 is 16 year old Maddy Curtis from Bluemont, VA. Maddy is the 9th of 12 children and has been taking care of her Down’s Syndrome older brother along with two younger brothers with Down’s that her parents adopted. I think I will stop there with the snide comments and instead point out that she did a nice job with Leonard Coen's “Hallelujah”. All 4 judges liked her authentic sound despite the nervousness that I for one did not hear. Maddy got 4 yeses and the first Season 9 golden ticket to Hollywood.

Pat Ford, 17, from Derry, NH, took time out of entertaining the crowd in the waiting room with white guy break dancing to dance and holler in front of the judges. Horny Chick likes Pat’s moves but no one was thrilled with Pat’s singing, especially Captain Jack who is again ready to jump out of the window. Pat of course thought that he “did awesome”. Big Sexy makes his first appearance of the season to tell Pat that he should quit singing forever. He was just keeping it real of course. Pat gets a hug from Horny Chick but no ticket to Hollywood.

The Ford moment of the day featured Jennifer Hirsh, Claire Fuller, and Jess Wolfe, three chicks who didn't do enough to get lots of TV time but did enough to get Hollywood tickets. Well, it worked for Kris Allen.

28 year old Amadeo Diricco brought a big Italian family from Providence, RI, and a big Italian attitude to his audition. He belted out Muddy Waters’ “Hoochie Coochie Man” with lots of passion but with not so much singing talent. However, all of the judges liked Amadeo's spirit and gave him 4 yeses. Maybe it was because Amadeo invited them all to dinner with the family along with the rest of America. I’ll give him credit for singing a Muddy Waters song on American Idol. Amadeo got a big family hug from his brothers when he came out of the audition room, so big that they almost strangled both him and Trained Seal.

Next up was Derek Hilton, a 19 year old “spiritual kind of guy” from Bellingham, MA. He claimed his voice was a cross between Chris Brown and The Eagles, and while he had 1 or 2 good notes there were hundreds of others that were not even close to either Chris Brown, The Eagles, or anyone else. I've never heard Chris Brown but I bet he doesn't sound like Derek. After getting four no’s Derek leaves the hotel disappointed, thinking that he could have “touched America in a totally different way.” I’m afraid to imagine what he meant by that.

After a parade of losers and tears, we are introduced to Mary Doyle, a 24 year old amine freak from Walpore, MA who makes her own kimonos and claims to have auditioned hundreds of times. She rushed though Janis Joplin’s “Piece of My Heart”, but apparently it was not fast enough for Captain Jack. After hearing Simon’s criticism Mary whines that “you can’t really say that to me” because “everyone says that I’m good,” including 2 vocal judges. Big Sexy is surprised to hear that she has had vocal coaching. Captain Jack reveals that he wanted to go to the moon but didn't and that Mary should follow his good advice, that is if she can figure out what Simon was advising her about. Indeed, Mary is not buying it and by doing so she put herself in the running for Psycho of the Night.

We quickly see Luke Shafter from New York City and Ben Bright from Rome, NY, get golden tickets.

Then comes 25 year old Andrew Fenlon from Boston. Andrew is full of anger from having to wait all day in the holding room for his audition. At least he didn't get sent back out in the rain like those other scmucks back at the stadium. Captain Jack reads Andrew the riot act after Andrew acts like a smart ass during the Q&A. After stumbling through “House of the Rising Sun” Horny Chick rips into Andrew for being upset about waiting so long to audition and attempts to make him feel guilty for his bad attitude. Andrew thinks Kara was reading too much into his attitude. After Captain Jack claims Andrew has “bad energy” Andrew wants to have a little conversation about his attitude, claiming that his anger was in fact confidence. After some more yelling from Horny Chick she, V, and Big Sexy say no. Captain Jack then provokes Horny Chick further by voting yes before Andrew is escorted from the audition room.

After some more losers we hear from Ashley Rodriquez, a 21 year old Berkeley School of Music student from Boston. She does a nice version of an Alisha Keys song and has both the look and the sound, or “It” as Captain Jack calls it. 4 strong yeses and a ticket to Hollywood.

19 year old Tyler Grady from Nazareth, PA, comes into the audition room with both of his wrists taped. Apparently he fell out of tree and broke both of them, but that doesn't stop Tyler from pursuing his big break. Tyler is a drummer who wants to be a front man, and if you ask Horny Chick and V he’s ready for that role without singing a note. Big Sexy asks Captain Jack “are we even here?” a question I've wanted to ask Randy for years. Tyler has a decent voice to go with the look and gets 4 yeses to Hollywood.

Day 2 begins with a lame attempt by Trained Seal and Idol’s graphic artist to explain the history of Boston using caricatures of the judges. No sign of Paula sadly. This is followed by Lisa Olivero, a 24 year old waitress from Billerica, MA, who has a nice booty but a nasty voice, which she shows off by screaming her way through Mariah Carey’s “Vision of Love”. Well, if you are going to scream a song you can’t go wrong with Mariah Carey. Captain Jack thinks it was the craziest rendition of a Mariah Carey song that he had ever heard, which is saying something given how many Mariah songs have been butchered on this show over the years. Horny Chick, showing off her impressive talent evaluation skills, tells Lisa that she should practice more as if that would help.

18 year old Mike Davis, an actor who performs on a speedboat named “Codzilla” in Boston, performs a decent though unspectacular version of The Beatles' “Yesterday”. Horny Chick tells Mike that she wants to hang out with him, and the cheeky guy actually asks Kara out for a date. While Big Sexy was not happy with his voice, Mike gets yeses from the other judges. Trained Seal broke the news to Mike later that Horny Chick says that to all the male performers and that he really has no chance of getting anywhere with her.

90 minutes in and we finally get to the first contender for Sob Story of the Night. It is 16 year old Katie Stevens from Middlebury, CT. Katie takes care of her grandmother who is suffering from Alzheimer’s. She even learned Portuguese in order to talk to her grandma who is from Portugal. Katie wants to do well on Idol while her grandma still remembers who she is. Now that’s sweet. Katie does her grandma proud by singing a strong rendition of Etta James’ “At Last”. After 4 equally strong yeses Katie is greeted at the door by about 50 people, all except for grandma who hears the news over the phone and still remembers who called her.

Joshua Blaylock, a 28 year old from New York City, does a bit pitchy but decent rendition of an unidentified song (there were plenty of those tonight). V likes Joshua’s little voice, but Captain Jack was bored. Both Simon and Big Sexy urge Joshua to be a little more assertive. Randy asks Joshua to tell Simon to shut up, while Captain Jack asks Joshua to get on Big Sexy’s case when Randy says that he sees Joshua as a Spandau Ballet type singer. The assertiveness training seemed to work as Joshua was given a Hollywood ticket.

Katie’s rival for Sob Story of the Night is Justin Williams, a 27 year old vocal coach from Sandy, UT (David Archuleta’s home town I believe) who was diagnosed with cancer 7 years ago. He’s cancer free now and impressed the judges with his torch singer voice. 4 yeses and a ticket to Hollywood soon followed.

After a short montage of V just to remind us that she was the guest judge tonight, we meet 18 year old Norbeto Guerrero from Reading, PA. Norbeto is sporting a big puffy hairdo, a beard, and some interesting attire. He does a dirge rendition of some song and then forgets the lyrics because he is so nervous, or so he claims. Big Sexy gratuitously allows Norbeto to try again but it is not much better. Norbeto inspires Captain Jack to utter tonight’s Line of the Night, saying that Norbeto “sang like a 3 year old girl, dressed like LaToya Jackson, you've got a beard, the whole thing was just too weird.” V tries to make Norbeto feel better by telling him that she too forgets the lyrics sometimes, but then behind his back she tells Captain Jack that she thought Norbeto was dressed like Janet Jackson instead of LaToya.

Bosa Mora, a 22 year old from Columbus, OH, is the son of immigrants from Nigeria. Bosa's mom wears a traditional Nigerian headdress to the audition that elicits a smart ass comment from Trained Seal. Bosa has a decent voice but some goofy facial expressions that Captain Jack thought was boring. V finally shows some Rehab Girl sassiness by questioning why Captain Jack always rolls his eyes. After telling Big Sexy that he is “ready to work,” on what we don’t know, Bosa gets a ticket to Hollywood.

Our last contestant of the evening is Lea Laurenti, a 22 year old from Medford, NY who claims to have lived a sheltered childhood. She belts her way through “Big Skies”, which I thought drowned out the soul of the song but the other judges thought was a soulful rendition. Well, what do they know? That being said, Lea had one of the better voices of the night and is going to Hollywood.

All in all 21 of the 9000 auditioners in Boston are going to Hollywood, or are in Hollywood right now if the Idol dream machine is to be believed. Tomorrow it’s the Atlanta auditions where we were promised some more swearing than what we had to endure tonight.

Your Three Stars of the Night: Ashley Rodriguez was the best of the night, which naturally leads me to wonder if she is a ringer. Maddy Curtis and Katie Stevens followed close behind, with honorable mentions to Justin Williams and Lea Laurenti.

Revolution Number 9

2010-01-05T21:39:00.000-08:00

OK boys and girls, it's January, it's cold, Fox has aired it's last BCS bowl game, so that can only mean one thing; this will be the last Tuesday night that I'll be able to go to bed at a reasonable hour because American Idol is coming back.

Yes, the singing sensation that has swept the nation survived an offseason that saw one of the judges leave, another of the judges threaten to leave, the previous season runner-up embarrass himself on national television, and the previous season winner pretty much disappear, just as I predicted back in May. Yes, I know Tender Dawg's debut album debuted at #11 on the Billboard charts back in November, but where it is now? Try #59. Meanwhile, the frumpy Susan Boyle from Captain Jack's other show has the #1 album in America right now and last season's runner-up Adam Lambert's album is at #29. In other Idol news Chris Daughtry's second album is at #53, David Archuleta's Christmas album is at #80 (I'm still waiting for that rehab stint I predicted 2 years ago), Kelly Clarkson's album is at #144, Carrie Underwood has 2 albums on the charts at #146 and at #156, third place finisher Alison Irahata's album is at #165 (and no, I haven't bought it), Daughtry's first album is still on the charts at #173, and Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon is at #91. I know Pink Floyd has nothing to do with Idol. I am just amazed that it is still on the charts. I thought it was like an urban legend or something. No sign of Katherine McPhee (though rumor has it that she has an album out) or David Cook, who I have not heard any rumors about since he stopped dating that reality TV star whose name escapes me at the moment.

Yes, I did try and add in as many former Idol contestants as I could into that last paragraph. I have to rehearse too, you know.

Speaking of Pink Floyd, that is about where my knowledge of popular music ends, so one of the things that I like about Idol is that I get to learn about all the pop stars that the kids like but don't make the news for cutting their hair off or going into rehab. Jason Mraz and Snow Patrol are just 2 examples of artists that I would have never heard of had I not been watching Idol and taking notes as I did so.

I suppose the reason why all of last year's contestants except for Broadway Boy have disappeared into the mist is because the media attention paid to Idol this summer and fall has been the circus going on behind the judges' table. My favorite judge Paula Abdul officially left the show back in the summer for reasons that to this day she refuses to fully explain. Or perhaps she is just unable to. In her place came a parade of celebrity fourth judges during the auditions, and come February we will see the debut of Ellen DeGeneres as the full time judge. The biggest challenge for Idol this season will be to try and justify having a stand-up comic/daytime talk show host who cannot sing judging a singing competition without having it look like the show jumped the shark. The second biggest challenge will be for me to figure out a politically correct nickname for her.

But seriously, how did the producers pull Ellen's name out of the hat? Was Oprah not interested? Was Tyra Banks too busy? You mean to tell me that out of the thousands and thousands of female singers out there they could not find a single one willing to be paid millions of dollars to make incoherent comments and serve as a comic fodder for Simon Cowell? This sure smells like a jumping the shark moment to me.

And now the rumor mill is filled with stories that Captain Jack will be leaving after this season in order to blackmail Fox into greenlighting his singing competition show The X Factor. Some have speculated that this is why Simon has not said anything about the Ellen hiring, given how often he got on Kara DioGuardi's case last season for being a bad judge of singing ability. Horny Chick has been silent about the Captain Jack rumors but both Randy Jackson and Ryan Seacrest (who my dad still thinks is trying to take over the world) have coyly suggested that there are no truth to them. Like Simon would tell either of those two. Piers Morgan, who does a decent Captain Jack impression on America's Got Talent, is the odds-on favorite to replace Simon should he decide to leave, though Morgan seems more interested in promoting The X Factor than campaigning to take the captain's place. Second choice right now is Sean Combs for reasons that I have no clue about. I don't ever remember Puff Daddy/P Diddy/Puffy/P Buffy ever even being a guest mentor on Idol. At least Ellen appeared on the Idol Gives Back shows. I wonder what the odds are on Ted McGinley?

Variety is reporting that the Idol producers decided to ditch the 36 semi-finalists idea that they used last season and go back to the 12 boys/12 girls format they used in Seasons 4-7. Apparently this decision was based on focus group research (which may also explain the Ellen hiring) and on the belief that having 36 contestants allowed a few folks to get into the semis last season who perhaps should not have. Funny, using the 12/12 format in Season 6 didn't stop Sanjaya Malakar from getting into the final 12. How soon they forgot about you Sanjaya...

So everyone get your pencil and paper out because here is the Idol Season 9 schedule:

Tuesday, Jan. 12: Season Premiere, Part 1 – Boston Auditions Episode
Wednesday, Jan. 13: Season Premiere, Part 2 – Atlanta Auditions Episode
Tuesday, Jan. 19: Chicago Auditions Episode
Wednesday, Jan. 20: Orlando Auditions Episode
Tuesday, Jan. 26: Dallas Auditions Episode
Wednesday, Jan. 27: Los Angeles Auditions Episode
Tuesday, Feb. 2: Denver Auditions Episode
Wednesday, Feb. 3: “The Road to Hollywood” Auditions Episode (previously known as "The Best of the Rest" episode)

Tuesday, Feb. 9: Hollywood Round, Part 1
Wednesday, Feb. 10: Hollywood Round, Part 2 (a whole night of Group Day, oh, joy)
Tuesday, Feb. 16: Hollywood Round, Part 3
Wednesday, Feb. 17: Hollywood Round, Part 4 – Top 24 Semifinalists Announced (no word on whether or not they'll be using chairs or the judges' mansion again - maybe Paula took the mansion with her in the divorce settlement)

Tuesday, Feb. 23: Top 12 Female Semifinalists Perform
Wednesday, Feb. 24: Top 12 Male Semifinalists Perform
Thursday, Feb. 25: First Results Show – Two Male and Two Female Contestants Eliminated
Tuesday, March 2: Top 10 Female Semifinalists Perform
Wednesday, March 3: Top 10 Male Semifinalists Perform
Thursday, March 4: Results Show – Two Male and Two Female Contestants Eliminated
Tuesday, March 9: Top 8 Female Semifinalists Perform
Wednesday, March 10: Top 8 Male Semifinalists Perform
Thursday, March 11: Results Show – Two Male and Two Female Contestants Eliminated; Finalists Revealed

Tuesday, March 16: Top 12 Finalists Perform
Wednesday, March 17: Top 12 Results Show
Tuesday, March 23: Top 11 Finalists Perform
Wednesday, March 24: Top 11 Results Show
Tuesday, March 29: Top 10 Finalists Perform
Wednesday, March 30: Top 10 Results Show (the Idol summer tour lineup is set)
Tuesday, April 6: Top 9 Finalists Perform
Wednesday, April 7: Top 9 Results Show
Tuesday, April 13: Top 8 Finalists Perform
Wednesday, April 14: Top 8 Results Show
Tuesday, April 20: Top 7 Finalists Perform
Wednesday, April 21: Idol Gives Back returns (Top 7 Results? We'll find out, after the break)
Tuesday, April 27: Top 6 or 7 Finalists Perform
Wednesday, April 28: Top 6 or 7 Results Show
Tuesday, May 4: Top 5 Finalists Perform (1 song or 2?)
Wednesday, May 5: Top 5 Results Show
Tuesday, May 11: Top 4 Finalists Perform (will we see the duets again?)
Wednesday, May 12: Top 4 Results Show
Tuesday, May 18: Top 3 Finalists Perform (without Paula picking the song for one of the contestants how will we know which of the 3 will be eliminated?)
Wednesday, May 19: Top 3 Results Show
Tuesday, May 25: Top 2 Finalists Perform at the Nokia Theater (will they be forced to sing one of Horny Chick's songs again?)
Wednesday, May 26: The Season Finale (the Season 9 American Idol is crowned; lots of confetti is dropped; lots of awkward group and duet performances; followed by a 20 page recap by yours truly)

I have no idea how I am going to find time to write all of these recaps. The judge's docket is a little more crowded this year compared to the last 2, so I cannot promise that I'll have my recap up before the next sunrise or before the Vote for the Worst.com guys do. I can only paraphrase the infamous Idol auditioner William Hung: I'll do my best.

Sitting In For Paula While She Is On Assignment

2009-08-20T20:45:00.001-07:00

So in wake of Rehab Girl's decision to abandon the best job of her career, the producers of American Idol have been auditioniing "guest judges" during the auditions. So far the list of fourth panelists includes:

Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham, getting in her last Hollywood licks before hubby David ships her off to Milan;
Shania Twain, trying to prove that she can actually have a career in music after leaving her ex-husband/producer/Svengali Mutt Lange;
Katy Perry, trying to prove that she is not a novelty act. Odd way to do it though;
Mary J. Blige, who doesn't need this drama;
Joe Jonas, who doesn't need the money;
Kelly Clarkson, who keeps coming back to Idol even after telling 19 Entertainment to kiss her ass a few years ago.

Rumored to be either under consideration or being hotly pursued by the Idol producers for a guest judge stint include Queen Latifah, Jennifer Lopez, and...

Paula Abdul

Yes, there are actually rumors that Rehab Girl is talking to Fox about returning to the chair next to Captain Jack after all, especially after she was left off of the guest list of the upcoming Dancing With The Stars. Her agent of course denies this because that is what agents do to earn their big bucks, but neither Paula nor her agent have publically ruled it out. Her old buddy Nigel Lythgoe still wants Paula to appear on that stupid dance show across the hall, So You Think You Can Dance, but sources say that Rehab Girl is not interested in sitting next to Lythgoe and that screaming chick anytime soon.

While I for one think I can make some good hay with Posh Spice, J-Lo, or most of the other celebrity impersonators/judges, none of them would be better than my dear friend Paula, especially now that she has made such a dramatic scene by leaving. Can you imagine what off-the-wall analogies Simon Cowell will be able to dream up if Paula comes back? It would make things a lot more interesting, and make it easier to sit through the off-key auditions and the self-indulgent contestants.

I just noticed something, Debbie Gibson is not on this list. Remember a few years ago when Gibson sat in for a few guest judge appearances and the rumors started to fly that she was going to replace Paula? But now that the producers are actually looking for someone to replace Paula Ms. Electric Youth is nowhere to be seen. Must have been that Playboy spread...

Rehab Girl Has Left The Building

2009-08-04T21:38:00.000-07:00

The countdown to American Idol's final episode has officially begun.

From the Los Angeles Times:

Paula Abdul posts on Twitter she won't be back on 'American Idol'
08:47 PM PT, Aug 4 2009

Paula Abdul, who has been in tense negotiations with Fox for a new deal to stay with "American Idol," wrote on Twitter tonight that she is leaving the show.

Abdul wrote: "I’ll miss nurturing all the new talent, but most of all being a part of a show that I helped from day1 become an international phenomenon."

Abdul's contract expired after this past season, its eighth, ended in May. Auditions for next season begin Thursday in Denver. Last week, word leaked that Kara DioGuardi, who was added this year to the judging panel, would return, and Fox officially announced Monday that DioGuardi's option had been picked up, putting even more pressure on the Abdul question.

Tuesday, Fox and the two companies that produce "American Idol," FremantleMedia North America and 19 Entertainment, issued a joint statement: "Paula Abdul has been an important part of the 'American Idol' family over the last eight seasons and we are saddened that she has decided not to return to the show. While Paula will not be continuing with us, she's a tremendous talent and we wish her the best."

Host Ryan Seacrest recently signed a deal paying him $10 million and Abdul, according to people close to the show, wanted a similar paycheck. She was making between $2 million and $4 million a year and wanted a significant raise, these people said. (Those close to Abdul put the salary figure on the lower end of that spectrum.)

Abdul's manager did not respond to a call seeking comment earlier Tuesday when word started to spread that talks had soured.

-- Joe Flint

The Times also had this report:

Paula Abdul Won't Return to American Idol
Sarah Jersild

The blogosphere is agog with the news that veteran judge Paula Abdul will not be returning to " American Idol" next season. Abdul broke the news to her fans via her Twitter account. Here's the text of her message in full:

"With sadness in my heart, I've decided not to return to #IDOL. I'll miss nurturing all the new talent, but most of all ...being a part of a show that I helped from day1become an international phenomenon ... What I want to say most, is how much I appreciate the undying support and enormous love that you have showered upon me ... It truly has been breathtaking, especially over the past month ... I do without any doubt have the BEST fans in the entire world and I love you all."

This comes on the heels of the news, announced on August 3, that controversial new judge Kara DioGuardi would be returning to the series. DioGuardi's presence at the judging table has divided the Idol fandom.

And this was in USA Today:

Abdul won't return for Season 9 of 'Idol'
By Edna Gundersen, USA TODAY

Paula Abdul has tweeted ta-ta to American Idol, ending weeks of negotiations and speculation.

"With sadness in my heart, I've decided not to return to #IDOL," she wrote on Twitter late Tuesday. "I'll miss nurturing all the new talent, but most of all being a part of a show that I helped from day 1 become an international phenomenon."

In a statement, Fox and the show's producers said Abdul was "an important part of the American Idol family over the last eight seasons, and we are saddened that she has decided not to return to the show."

They said she was a "tremendous talent" and wished her the best.

Her move follows news that songwriter Kara DioGuardi, who just completed her first season as a judge on the top-rated Fox talent show, would return for the ninth season. After eight seasons with the series, Abdul had been in talks with Fox for a raise and expressed hope that she'd return. She told fans on Twitter last week, "I hope you can understand that I can only return to Idol if the deal is fair."

Fellow judges Simon Cowell and Randy Jackson already are under contract for the upcoming season.

Contributing: The Associated Press

Even the New York Times reported on this story, but rather than post the report, which pretty much echoed all the other reports, I'll instead post some of the comments left on their message board. Keep in mind that this is the New York Times:

"At least she has her sensational singing career to fall back on. Oh wait."
(now that is just mean)

"SAD day for American Idol. So much for the number one show. Do they think we’re all going to watch Simon and Kara fight with each other? Had enough of that last year. Simon without Paula will be the death of the show. They WERE the show. He will not be happy sitting in that chair IF he even shows up for work. I wouldn't blame you if you DON’T show up Simon. Simon HAS Paula’s heart but now the show has NO HEART."
(do you think Captain Jack is going to quit the show just because Rehab Girl isn't there anymore? I know of 10 million reasons why he'll still show up)

"Oh Paula, you’re only hurting yourself. Idol revived her career & its never wise to leave a hit show for potentially greener pastures (just ask David Caruso). Other than Dancing w/the stars, I’m not sure we’ll see much more of Paula."
(good point, now that Paula is available I could see Dancing With The Stars making a move to hire her. It would be lots of good publicity)

"$2 million not enough? don’t let the door hit you on the way out."
(when everyone else on the show including Trained Seal is getting paid more? I agree with Paula, $2 mil isn't enough. I betcha Ricky Minor is getting paid more than that)

"2 million dollars to say your presence is good your outfit is great and you shine on stage….come on people! Why can we not grab a gig like this American Idol I am your next judge.
Sincerily a true fan that doesn't miss an episode!"
(if just watching every episode is enough to qualify someone to be an Idol judge then I should be at the front of this line. I do have documented judging experience and proof that I have watched every show after all)

"Hummm … We will all tune in & witness the new season judging, minus a real heart. I predict a substantial drop in viewership."
(I imagine both Randy and Kara would be offended by this opinion, Simon not so much)

"Don’t they understand that Seacrest is NOT who their audience enjoys–its the contestants and the judges!!"
(Come on Dad, enough of this Ryan Seacrest is trying to take over the world conspiracy talk)

"I am sorry that Fox decides that paula was not worth the money, and I feel they will come to regret this decision, as for myself, I will no longer watch the show! Greedy fox, you should be ashamed."
(judging from how Fox forced Idol to air shorter episodes this past season compared to years past I suspect Fox gave up on this show before you did)

"I would like to suggest she redefine her definition of “Fair” two million bucks for six months work would seem more than fair to most people."
( I would like to suggest that you redefine your definition of "most people")

"You Go Girl! I only watched IDOL because of you and Simon, and Randy. Without you it will never be the same."
(notice the comma before Big Sexy's name, as if he were an afterthought. But I guess being an afterthought is better than not being mentioned at all, right Kara?)

Since I'm enjoying this so much here are some more comments from Popsugar.com, not exactly playing in the same league as the New York Times:

"Paula will be missed. Now we will be stuck with Kara as the only female voice on the panel. I can't stand Kara. I want Paula back! "You suck Fox!
(I bet no one who comments on the Times website will use the words "You suck Fox")

"Slowly, I have lost interest in what happens to AI. While this past season was quite talented, I get tired of the bickering and exaggerated time-slots (seriously, 60 minutes just to find out in the last 2 minutes who goes home). Oh well, I'll sort-of miss her, sort-of feel relief that I no longer have to hear her confusing ramblings. "
(I'll sort-of miss having to type her confusing ramblings)

"I used to be embarrassed for her craziness, but I came to realize she was the only one who tried to give any kind of useful feedback and had personality. I was pretty close to giving up on it next season--now I'm officially Anonymous, Out. "
(what show were you watching? And why are you embarrassed for Paula? She sure isn't)

"I will not watch AI without Paula. FOX has made a bad error in letting her go. Kara can't cut it."
(I cannot think of any witty rebuttal to this one)

"I am really sad to hear this. I am actually one of the few who likes Kara but I also loved Paula. I will miss the bickering between Paula and Simon"
(I also liked Kara and loved Paula, but probably for much different reasons than you)

"I like Paula ..... I can't stand Kara with her annoying and long comments. Ugh can't stand her "
(I bet if you were to go through last year's shows and time them you'll find that Paula's comments were longer and more annoying that Kara's. They were also more entertaining I might add)

"i am not a fan of the show, and she always seemed disturbed to me. i think she needs a rest and some treatment. "
(if you're not a fan of the show then why are you posting a comment about it on some obscure web site? Are you hiding something?)

"Paula is crazy as can be, the woman needs help! I thought she would have been fired a long time ago. She looks drugged every time i see a clip of her. "
(you must have been watching clips from Seasons 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, or 7. She was much more sober in Season 8. Perhaps that's what led Fox to let her go)

This is just sad. I suspected for over a year now that this was coming, but still.... I'll be able to finish the recaps earlier and go to bed sooner next season, but still....

My Heart Will Go On

2009-07-20T21:11:00.000-07:00

Can't say that I am surprised by this story from the Associated Press:

Fans support Paula Abdul, but would 'Idol' go on?
By ERIN CARLSON, AP Entertainment Writer Erin Carlson, Ap Entertainment Writer – Mon Jul 20, 7:44 pm ET

NEW YORK – The clock is winding down to the judges' round of "American Idol" auditions — next month, the gates will be opened for a new batch of hopefuls. They'd do well to come prepared: Paula Abdul might not be around to dole out much-needed hugs and kind words of encouragement.

The kooky, feel-good judge, whose sweetness tempers the tart-tongued Simon Cowell, is reportedly unhappy about her status on the top-rated talent competition — and she wants her frustration known. Abdul's manager, David Sonenberg, dropped an "Idol" bombshell last Friday when he told The Los Angeles Times' Web site that the longtime judge may not be returning to the upcoming ninth season.

The reason? According to Sonenberg, she had not yet received a proposal for a new contract.
"I find it under these circumstances particularly unusual; I think unnecessarily hurtful," said Sonenberg, who noted Abdul was "not a happy camper" as a result of stalled contract negotiations.

Abdul seems to be healing her wounds on Twitter. After Sonenberg's public statements, a campaign of support sprung up on the micro-blogging site, where "KeepPaula" became a hot trending tropic. Among those joining the effort were former "Idol" contestants Anoop Desai, Danny Gokey and Syesha Mercado.

Mercado, a finalist on season seven, tweeted: "No Paula No American Idol."

Abdul, who has over 725,000 followers on the site, responded to her fans, gushing, "I'm actually moved 2 tears upon reading the enormous amount of tweets showing me your kindness, love, & undying support."

Meanwhile, host Ryan Seacrest is making bank. The media mogul signed a lucrative deal that keeps him hosting "Idol" through 2012 as well as participating in new projects. The announcement, made last week, specified no dollar figure, although The Hollywood Reporter pegged the deal at $45 million.

The other "Idol" judges are Simon Cowell, Randy Jackson and newcomer Kara DioGuardi. Representatives for Fox and the show's producers — 19 Entertainment and FremantleMedia — declined to comment on Abdul's situation. Abdul's publicist, Jeff Ballard, directed The Associated Press to Sonenberg, who did not respond to requests for comment.

"She'll be fine. She'll be on the show," Cowell was quoted as telling "Extra" on Monday. "I don't get a lot of say. I've just made it clear that I want Paula on the show."

According to the entertainment news show, Seacrest said as far as he knows, "you'll see everybody back." Cowell agent Alan Berger and Seacrest spokeswoman Meredith O'Sullivan did not immediately respond to interview requests.

"The perturbing thing of this Paula Abdul news, of her not coming back, is the sort of implication that if Paula doesn't come back, does this mean that they're now relying on Kara to fill that third seat?" mused Michael Slezak, who blogs about "Idol" for Entertainment Weekly magazine's Web site.

"Because I think in the history of show additions, Kara would be in the top 10 least successful additions to popular shows ever. She was dreadful last season and I think the `Idol'-verse has sort of uniformly felt that she really didn't bring much to the show."

Beyond that, Slezak added, who can tell what is truth and what is fiction with Abdul? "These people, and this show, want to be in the headlines, and this is a good way to do it," he said. "So you don't know: Is this another case of crying wolf ... or do they really mean it this time? Are they really through with her?"

Contract disputes are among the juiciest bits of television history. Suzanne Somers' acting career faded in the 1980s after she was written out of the ABC sitcom "Three's Company." Her crime: Demanding more money. The stars of "The Dukes Of Hazzard," Tom Wopat and John Schneider, walked off the show in 1982 and were replaced after a nationwide talent search. Their substitutes weren't accepted by the public, and the original "Dukes" were back on set within the year.

In 2004, Jorja Fox and George Eads were fired from the CBS hit "CSI: Crime Scene Investigation" during tense contract negotiations. They were later hired back.

And two years ago, "Grey's Anatomy" actress Katherine Heigl talked publicly about a protracted dispute with ABC. She has said she wanted "the same respect they're showing the other actors."

As for Abdul, could the show survive without its sweetest critic?

"I don't think `American Idol' will die without her," said Rickey Yaneza, who blogs about "Idol" at Rickey.org. "Judging from last year, I mean, it's ... actually kind of nice to have things change. It makes it fresher."

"It's kind of like a bold move," Yaneza said, referring to Sonenberg's media announcement, "but I think what'll happen is I think eventually whatever they'll offer her, she'll take."

If "Idol" lost Abdul, the show would lose its second most valuable judge, Slezak said, raising another question: Why not drop Jackson and Dioguardi as well?

"I have a feeling in my gut that if they shook that panel up and just kept Simon and brought in two people who maybe could be equal to Simon — or as good or close to as good — I think it could only benefit the show," he said.

"This thought that Simon can be the only sharp insightful judge at that table, I think people would be surprised how much they might enjoy having three really sharp people on that panel."

I could have told you that Rehab Girl's job was in jeopardy when they hired Horny Chick Kara to be the "fourth" judge back in August of last year. In fact, I think I did:

From August 25, 2008:

You notice how the producers are going out of their way to portray this as being a positive for Paula Abdul? Indeed, another AP story stated that Dioguardio and Abdul are "longtime friends". Ms. DioGuardio is back-up for Paula alright, back-up in case Paula acts like Barney Gumble again. Who else could Simon Fuller be referring to when he says that they are "turning up the heat"? Make no mistake, Drunk Chick has been put on notice here, which is kind of sad for me since Paula has been such a rich source of material for this blog. I have no idea about this new girl. I don't even have a nickname for her yet.

Looking back I think Paula was on her best behavior last season. Indeed, I took more shots at Captain Jack Simon than I did at her, whereas in Season 7 Paula was the runaway winner in that department. But it appears that it may not have been enough, or perhaps the producers are unhappy that Rehab Girl didn't act like a drunk chick, or perhaps the producers realized that it is too much of a pain in the rear, and in Fox's pocketbook, to have 4 judges on the show and they are not going to dump Simon (because he is their real cash cow) or Kara (because they would have to then admit that hiring her was a mistake) or Randy (because who would notice if they did?). Paula is the odd one out here (in more ways than one), and she did herself no favors last fall when she accused the producers of deliberately risking her life by allowing her stalker to audition.

Yes, the show would go on without her, but I don't think viewers are going to stop watching just because Paula is not there to give words of encouragement to contestants that don't listen to anyway. My blog would go on without her too, but I would miss her mostly because I am one of the few people who actually does pay attention to what she says.

Personally, if I had a say I would choose Paula over Kara in a New York minute. But then I'm just a lonely Idol blogger, what do I know?